#135 Breaking the Chains: Freddy's Journey through Addiction, Despair, and the Power of Faith

Join us on a profound journey through Freddy's life as he grapples with the chains of addiction, despair, and depression. We'll explore his early years as a preacher's son, the relentless battle against sexual temptation, and the overwhelming shame associated with pornography, a topic often left untouched in many church settings. Freddy's college years were marked by turbulent relationships as he searched for love and safety while wrestling with his own self-identity. His story is a testament to the power of raw honesty, as he reveals his inner struggles, anger, shame, and fervent prayers for divine guidance.

Prepare to be moved as we delve into the conversation that forever changed Freddy's life, leading him to freedom from addiction, despair, and depression. We'll uncover the remarkable healing capacity of confession and forgiveness and the profound impact of embracing life as God's child. Freddy's transformation and unwavering commitment to faith will leave you inspired to make the choice to become a cherished child of the King.

view more resources on our website

0:00 - Journey From Confusion to Understanding
5:00 - Struggling With Faith and Sexual Temptation
16:44 - Navigating Guilt, Shame, and Relationships
24:20 - Struggling With Relationships and Self-Identity
33:18 - Finding Hope Through Prayer and Signs
37:34 - Encountering Divine Guidance and Transformation
40:43 - Reunion and Gospel Transformation
44:53 - A Life-Changing Conversation About Freedom
58:41 - Forgiveness and Living as God's Child
1:10:58 - Becoming a Son of the King

Keywords: addiction, despair, depression, preacher's son, sexual temptation, pornography, college, relationships, self-identity, faith, transformation.

Looking for discipleship and fellowship? Join a Circle at lovereality.org/circles

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:35

Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.

Speaker 3: 0:53

The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.

Speaker 1: 1:15

I remember looking him straight in the face and telling him was like how dare you even think you're on the same level of what I feel when it comes to that type of insecurity? I was exposed to this when I was 12 years old and you think you're anywhere near my level of understanding the pain and the shame that I'm feeling right now? Like just get out of my face. There's no reason in talking to you, because I know you don't understand what I'm going through.

Speaker 3: 1:41

Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my brother, freddie, and this episode goes in depth with addiction, despair, depression, the 3Ds. Wait, addiction is not a D Anyway, it is heavy and I would be mindful of who's listening to this episode, but, man, there's so much beautiful life in this story and just to see my brother and his heart for the Lord and how he's been loved, I think you're going to love it to hear the sincerity and in his voice. So let's get into the episode Without further ado. Here is Freddie Fuentes Love y'all, appreciate y'all, buckle up, strap in. Where does your story start, man? And your mind where, as you were thinking about this, like when it comes to your spiritual life, where does your story start?

Speaker 1: 2:46

Growing up, I remember I grew up in a very conservative church and then had a lot of rules, regulations, things you have to follow, always hearing there are certain things you have to do to be safe, type of thing, and yet you have the paradigm that, oh, you don't have to do anything to be safe. So there was always this confusion for me about what does it mean to be safe, type of thing.

Speaker 3: 3:05

When you said your church was conservative and they believe that you had to do this and this to be safe, but also that you didn't have to do anything. What was the this and this?

Speaker 1: 3:15

It was like you have to always do go. The Sabbath was a huge one, especially being Adventist. You go over and says, oh, you can't swim on Sabbath, you can't do this on Sabbath. Sabbath is only for this, for making sure that you're worshiping and going to church and dealing with all the spiritual things that are on Sabbath. And then sometimes my parents would be sleeping, so Sabbath afternoons for their Sabbath afternoon rest. But yeah, praise the Lord for that Sabbath afternoon rest. And but I think something that my parents actually did well in my life in is they always said if there's a truth that is out there, seek the truth. It's not about what church you belong to, just seek the truth. And they've always opened my mind to seek truth. That's top notch, before anything.

Speaker 3: 3:52

And yeah, bro, you tell me if this makes sense to you, because when you said, I don't think I was very confused, but I don't think I knew the answer either. Yeah, I think I knew that it was Jesus, and I'm thinking about, like when I was in high school. I don't feel like I was confused, I felt pretty solid, but I don't think I could have told you. Yeah, talk to me about that, where it seems like there's this double, there's like a double mindedness, like it's by faith alone and Christ alone, but it's also we have to do all of these things. Was it confusing?

Speaker 1: 4:30

It was super confusing. There was a thing with this is when I grew up, my dad was a preacher and he was preaching all over to all sorts of churches and so there were several times where I was. I remember asking myself I was scared because I was not. I didn't know if I was going to be saved or not. Like I was terrified, like I remember crying in my car to my dad. I was like I just don't know what. Am I going to be saved? Am I doing everything right? Is there something more that I need to do? And so that was a huge. I didn't know how to answer that question because people would say are you going to be saved? And I remember in the congregation very few people would even raise their hands like they didn't know. So if they didn't know, how was I supposed to know? And they were the adults.

Speaker 3: 5:11

Did your dad tell you no, so I feel like he probably had a good answer for you. Am I wrong?

Speaker 1: 5:17

I think at the time I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I got the answer I needed at the time, or even a good answer at the time he just tried to stop me from crying. At the time it wasn't like let me give you the answer that's going to bring all peace to you. It's here, Just don't cry. We're in the car together. It's going to be okay. You God's coming soon and everything will be taken care of. You don't have to worry about it type of thing. But it wasn't enough to satisfy the why on me or the how or those type of things. But I was going through school in probably seventh grade when I first encountered or had my first encounter with a www you should not be here dot com. So that's where it all started for me. It was actually in. I remember exactly was yesterday. It was inside of an art classroom and our school was one of the pilot schools in Connecticut at the time, Because that's where I was living for bringing laptops to the kids. So it was one of the first schools in the nation to actually have a lot tops for the kids. All right, and the kids. They were like oh yeah, we have firewalls for everything and so on and so forth. But here I am in a seventh grade classroom with actually a seventh grade girl who said, hey, check this out, and she's the one who actually introduced me to it. So I was female in seventh grade.

Speaker 3: 6:28

Yikes, did you know what that was when you first encountered it? Did you know? You're like oh, it was like, this is something I shouldn't be looking at.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Yeah, definitely. I mean you growing up in public school. I went to public school most of my younger, younger years, and so growing up in public school, like you, definitely hear a lot more that's going on. I remember eighth grade. There was a girl who was pregnant, so I knew that there were. I knew the concepts of the birds and the bees and things like that happen. But seeing that imagery for the first time was shocking and at the same time, sadly to say, enticing. It was like it was something that was a wow, like what is that? I've never seen that before and it just opened a doorway to a lot of things in the future.

Speaker 3: 7:10

Yeah, man, and I think right away there's shame, am I right?

Speaker 1: 7:14

Yeah, most definitely.

Speaker 3: 7:17

Tell me about this dude. I live in a world where we talk about this stuff very pretty openly and often, and so the shame that comes with pornography. We want to go right through that to get to the heart of the matter, that you're free from and dead to sin. But you tell me, out there in the world, is there still and in the churches that you were, was there still a lot of shame with it that you couldn't even talk about it?

Speaker 1: 7:44

Absolutely, Absolutely. You talk about anything sex or anything like sex related. It's taboo, it's straight taboo. You can't mention it. It everything was so hidden and just kept in secrets and you're left to when the time comes. And so, I guess, when I started seeing some of the images that I started seeing, it's like I started to notice it more, in the world around me too. It's at first you're not even paying attention to these things and the next thing you know, you realize, oh, look, you have family members that you have actually walked in on while they're doing things, or you have certain things that you see that you're like oh, I never really noticed that before, but wow, that's. You start realizing how, I don't know. I almost compare it to like the Adam and Eve type of thing, Like how did you know you were naked? Like. Now I'm starting to realize everybody is in some sort of way in the world Like. You know what I'm saying. I don't know how to like, reiterate it.

Speaker 3: 8:38

It's like when you buy a white Honda, then you're driving the white Honda and you realize how many white Honda's there.

Speaker 1: 8:42

How many white?

Speaker 3: 8:43

Yeah, exactly, yeah, it's just or like a word you hear a new word. So this thing's opened up to you and you're like, oh, the world is all about this thing.

Speaker 1: 8:50

Yeah, I'm just getting on board and I didn't even realize type of thing.

Speaker 3: 8:53

So how did that go for you? When did you know, like, when did it become a thing where you were drawn to it and you're like, oh man.

Speaker 1: 9:03

So I think I was introduced then and then at in those moments at the same time. I had a girlfriend at the time who actually was ended up putting hands on me in places where I was. It was, it was worth it. Wish you shouldn't have, okay, but it's still. It still sparked a lot of fire, to put it that way. For sure, okay, for sure. And as things kept going, I think when I started to get into high school I think it's really when it started taking off and taking a real hold on my life that's kind of what was the plan to get out of it, or was there even a plan to get out of it? I don't think there was a plan at the time. I don't we're ever want. I don't think I wanted to. It was something new, was something I was curious about and I wanted to learn more about and you know, I just went with it.

Speaker 3: 9:49

There was never like an altar call or a thing where people are talking about it and you're just like I don't want. I don't want. A part of this is like this, is like my thing now.

Speaker 1: 10:00

No, it was my thing. And at the same time I had this double mindedness, because I remember telling myself you know what, if I was ever in a situation where Potter Potter for his wife would ever roll up on me, I'd be just like Joseph and I'd be able to walk away, but I had no idea how deep I wasn't already and that that would never At least where I was. Then. That would not be a possibility.

Speaker 3: 10:22

So who was God banning your life at this point?

Speaker 1: 10:26

God was the guy that directed my family to do things that kind of just moved me all over the place because I've moved all over. And God was the guy who we went to church and we sung about on Sabbath, but then for the rest of the week it was just something you mentioned from here and there. I do remember when I was growing up that I always felt like I had this connection or this calling to be something more. I know that a hundred percent. I remember arguing with one of my teachers in fifth grade hey, it's not evolution, it's creation. And I was so frustrated because I was trying to tell her no, evolution is just nothing. But I had to prove that God was right. I had to stand up for it, I had to show it, I had to be it. And I ended up being in shame and embarrassment when I was trying to share it because nothing really happened there.

Speaker 3: 11:19

But something about spiritual things or something about God was always a draw in your life.

Speaker 1: 11:25

Yeah, and I knew he was there. For example, I remember I knew my life meant something more because I was I was I was an actor. Growing up in seventh and eighth grade I was in a lot of plays because I couldn't do any sports on Sabbath and it was the only thing that was that could be done. And as I was growing up I remember there were times where I couldn't be a part of the play because there were certain days. But by the end of my eighth grade year the director was actually changing the dates of the play so that I could participate more and I was keeping hold of some of these things. So I knew that God was saying I need you to follow me in certain things and do certain things and be there. But I didn't know how to bring that into later on in my life, where now I was frustrated because I was the nerd. I literally was the nerd in school, Like I girls would think I was turtle cute and that that was about it. And I know that is, that is saying I guess I've heard it before, bro it has to be.

Speaker 3: 12:21

Okay, so you get into high school. I ran into you when you were in Minnesota. Were you not a minute on. For a long time I was not.

Speaker 1: 12:30

I was not. I actually went to CTA down in Texas she's in and she's in trail, yeah, and I got. I hung out there for a while, was there for my sophomore year and then got uprooted because my dad got a calling, which was really hard, and actually went to, went to Minnesota and then basketball tournaments is where I met you, bro, but you were a completely different person back then.

Speaker 3: 12:52

Who would have thought, yeah man, who would have thought you were I? I'll be honest, I think I remember what year did you graduate high school? Oh four, yeah, oh four, okay. So we probably played against each other or something a little bit like that. But you graduate from high school. What is the plan for your life? Where you headed? What's going to happen?

Speaker 1: 13:17

when I graduated from high school. At this point I was like you know what? Anything but union. At the time, my union Half. I know, but I said anywhere but union. I had been in Texas years before. My parents still own the house down there. So I told myself you know what? I'm just going to go to Southwestern and that's where I started my whole my college career.

Speaker 3: 13:40

Okay, and your plan was to do what? What were you going to be?

Speaker 1: 13:43

Yes, I had no idea. Then it was a physical therapy and it was like a patch all I was way into gymnastics at the time being with CTA and then Minnetonka, and then also doing gymnastics at that's and on SWAT for a long time and I cared more about that than I even cared about school. I honestly couldn't tell you what I wanted to be. I was interested in the outdoors and that and want to be like an outdoor therapy place to for kids. I knew that maybe that would be something, but, to be honest, southwestern didn't have that so I was like, oh, whatever, I'm just going to try to get by somehow.

Speaker 3: 14:15

Same bro. I got to union I was like I'm here to try to make the basketball team, that's what I'm here for, and I didn't even know what I was going to do. No guilt, condemnation or shame or anything about any of this stuff. You're just at this point. Are you knee deep into it and it's just part of your life?

Speaker 1: 14:33

but you're, I'm knee deep into it and and now that I'm in college I have the freedom to explore it fully. And I got myself into some predicaments with relationships early on. And I remember going into the first, my first experiences with with some of these things. I remember feeling a lot of shame. God would never forgive me, like how could God even look at me anymore? And I'm really close with my mom and I remember coming to her and telling her mom this is what I did. I feel like I've just failed so much. And what if there are consequences that happen because of what I've done? And and then my whole life is already ruined and I was already panicking, panic attack mode before, before anything even happened, and she, she tried to console me and say it's all right, you don't have to worry about it, it'll be OK, like we'll make it work, no matter whatever happens. You just got to be, just fix it, you don't have to do this anymore, just do it to go the other way. And that didn't quite go that route.

Speaker 3: 15:32

What kind of guy did you think you were like in college? There's, there's this kind of guy, and then there's this kind of guy what? What did you believe about yourself?

Speaker 1: 15:43

I thought I don't. I'm all of my educational career I never really felt like I could connect with a lot of people, I don't know what it was there were. The people that I connected with were usually people who were on the outskirts and never. I never really had a lot of friends and I brought some just because my brother was the exact opposite of me. He would he be able to make friends with anybody and just joke around. But he had his own struggles and I had mine and we were close friends for a long time and it me had started to keep secrets from him of what I was doing and he was keeping secret from me from for his doing and we lost our connection with that. And then, like me, continuingly following all these different things and I don't know it, just I was. I thought I was a good guy, I felt like a good guy but deep down inside I was like two good guys really do what I'm doing? There was always that question mark Are you really?

Speaker 3: 16:33

did the girls that you are in relationships with when they ended, or that they have some strong words to say to you that then put you like how did that go in college? It sounds like you had a few relationships.

Speaker 1: 16:50

I had a few, and when things at first before I crossed lines that I shouldn't, I would push the lines, and then I would feel a shame that I pushed them, so I would just like back off and cut her off completely, and so they would, of course, retaliate with that. What are you doing? I thought we were some things. Not, I don't want this anymore. I changed my mind. This is not where I want to go, and it was like this back and forth struggle inside of me that left a lot of people hanging, to be honest. And then when I started crossing lines, then it just made things even worse because I would want back out. But then I would try to like reason with them, saying we shouldn't be doing this, we should be doing things right, and I don't know. I really I was in a space, bro.

Speaker 3: 17:29

I was kind of like out of control, right, because there's this thing that you really want and the thing they tell me, if I'm wrong, the thing that you really wanted was to be a good dude, because you knew what being a good dude was and you wanted to honor these women. But then this thing that in the moment, what you really wanted seemed to override the deeper thing that you wanted, and so then, yeah, there's that that thing. Is he? Am I a player?

Speaker 1: 17:57

Am I in or out? Like yeah, Do I want it and it's.

Speaker 3: 18:01

That's not black and white right, Because there's this seems like there's a battle going on.

Speaker 1: 18:05

No, I really felt your everything was gray and I wanted black and white. I wanted my life to be black and white, so simply to be black and white. But like every time I did something, I was like maybe, and I would, I would allow myself to justify the action and not allow myself to really, to really necessarily, dwell on it but be convicted by something greater. It's just, I'm, I've got to do what I got to do and I don't know it. Just it was not a safe place to be.

Speaker 3: 18:36

Yeah, man, it's called deception. And I was talking to someone the other day and they're like man, I don't even know why that I did the things I did. And I was like, yeah, I think that's what deception is all about. If we knew why we were doing this or why we're doing that, well then we could, we could stop. But, by definition, when you're deceived, you don't know it and you're just you want to be somebody. You want to be loved. You also want to love. It's a tough scene. How long were you in college?

Speaker 1: 19:06

So I started in. I don't know your story, dude. No, in 2004 and I ended 2013, so that's when I actually officially graduated. You have three PhDs then, something like that, but I think the one uh oh.

Speaker 3: 19:20

I heard there for nine years.

Speaker 1: 19:22

Okay, hold on, before you say nine years, I was. Let me explain how this all works out. All right, and I got to say something now, because this comes into my story later, because I told you this before I remember, because, speaking of this whole shame piece and now it's only I thought like God had something planned for me. I told you about this when we talked over at that retreat that we went to, that there was. I went to go see a Vespers one night and I saw Pastor Rojas, okay, the big dude with the curly mustache or whatever, and then the man with the white guitar and supposedly like famous all over the world.

Speaker 3: 19:52

Juan Valdez. If you, that's what he looks like. If you haven't, yeah.

Speaker 1: 19:59

And I remember walking into that place and I had been doing a lot of these things that I have been saying all up until this point, but walking in and he had done the whole week of prayer, I come to him at the end of the week and I'm just going to say hi to him. The only reason I actually went to the Vespers was because of the fact that I wanted to see a pretty girl that was there anyway. It was like I'm in for me. Hey, see, pastor Rojas, see the pretty girl get to hang out with her. But as we I was going to go say hi to him at the end. I was in line. There was a long line dropping out, like all around the sanctuary. I finally get to him and he says he grabs my hand and, like everyone around me, like looks at me at the moment, because it was like he was a shake hand, he was just passing people through, but when it came to me, he double-class my hand and says God's gonna do great things through you, and when he does, I want to hear all about it. Now this was like exciting and terrifying at the same time, because I know where I was in my life and I knew what I was doing in my life and I was like how can God even use me in my life, like with how it is right now? It was super scary, and so I that translated a lot into the guilt and shame of every time I had an experience that was popping up into my head, a lot Saying you're not worthy for that, you're not gonna be like, you've messed up God's plan for you. That that lie kept coming over and over again. And when I eventually in college, I had a fallout with the gymnastics coach which caused me to move, and moved to Connecticut for I don't know a couple years, and then I found out that southern had an outdoor program, which is what I was, all I wanted to do anyway. So then I went to southern and actually graduated from southern in 2010, and then I went back to school to get my with outdoor leadership, and then I went back to school Until 2013 to graduate with my education degree in biology. So it's I was officially done by 2013, but there was some there's some gaps in there. I was in school tech the whole time.

Speaker 3: 21:45

So this thing that Jose Rojas, he wanted to encourage you but it might have done the maybe the exact opposite, but put a lot, and of course this man was just wanted to encourage you in the Lord, but the guilt, condemnation, shame it's that hit you hard.

Speaker 1: 22:00

Yeah, it piled up, and I remember times in tears I'd be like I don't want this anymore. Why, god, take it away? This is terrible. The guilt that I'm feeling for this is terrible, and I could see how it was affecting my relationships every single one of them, every single one of them.

Speaker 3: 22:17

So was there a plan to be able to get out, or were you just I'll just pray about it? What was that like?

Speaker 1: 22:24

There were times where I even talked to the significant other at the time, and Sometimes we would even just talk about it, and it was almost like Accepted between us, like there was nothing, like the shame didn't come from them, it came from outside of them. But when I was with them, it like it was not necessarily encouraged, but it wasn't discouraged either. It wasn't until later in my life where I was in a relationship and I had gotten engaged and then I made a Foolish error on my part by involving myself with somebody else in the process, and what happened, what had happened, was that I told her hey, I'm struggling with these things and this is one of the things I'm struggling with, and she ended up taking it personally on her and I didn't comprehend that, because I think this wasn't about her. At the same time, it was affecting her and I was like you're taking this out in so many different ways. I don't even know why. I told you maybe I shouldn't have told you in the first place, and that really made me feel like I couldn't even share any of my deepest, darkest secrets with even the person who's supposed to love me the most. I'm about to get engaged, was about to get engaged, and so when we separated, she ended up taking all of that information that I had confided in her with and telling that to her family as a means of making I don't know whatever she wanted to do to just justify that the relationship was over.

Speaker 3: 23:44

Can you certain? Can you see now why she would feel that way?

Speaker 1: 23:48

Definitely. Now I can see why she would feel that way. It's. I can completely understand that I was in the wrong. I was definitely in the wrong and it, it. I just didn't know how to get out. I really did how to get out and I told myself you know what? At this point, I was like you know what? I'm gonna go to counseling, I'm gonna get books, I'm gonna start seeking people out, seeing what I can do, start finding therapy. So I could finally talk about this and figure out what my deeper issue is, because this is probably just stemming from another issue, like everybody says, and so I got to find out what my deeper issues are that are holding me back in all of this.

Speaker 3: 24:19

In your mind what was the problem then? The problem was I am what?

Speaker 1: 24:27

The thing is like I I couldn't pinpoint on anything like I just felt like I was. I felt like I was stuck Because, like my, my upbringing wasn't bad, like I didn't have abusive parents, I didn't my parents discouraged that those type of behaviors. I didn't have a Bad high school, I just wanted. Now that I'm looking back now I think my problem was that I just I wanted affection. I wanted to somehow feel Good about that and and and feel loved and I was equating that to love and it. It was messing up my whole perspective of what Love and relationships are more.

Speaker 3: 25:04

So if you would have gone to the therapist and the therapist says why are you visiting me today, you would have said I have the. My relationships have fallen apart because of.

Speaker 1: 25:16

Not at first. I remember that when I was engaged, I we would try to go to a cat's a therapy or counseling together to work through the issue, and when we walked in, we actually talked to somebody there and the person happened to be somebody who was close to both of us and as we were talking to them, he actually ended up telling her later in private that she needed to leave me until I figured myself out. And that infuriated me, like infuriated me because it was like how dare he have the audacity to say those type of things and what not? And and it was just a complete mess and I, I was just angry more, even at myself and even at him, and just directing all that Shame into anger towards other people. Because why would? Why do they need to be in my business? Why do they need to be? Why do they need to be conducting my life? Let me handle myself, I'll be fine. I still hadn't come to the terms with it, bro you're a passionate dude?

Speaker 3: 26:09

Yeah, they're really passionate and and I think Any type of thing that hits you like that it could, it would affect you in a deep way. Am I wrong it?

Speaker 1: 26:19

I feel, think like I feel shame in ways, so it feels like things are holding, like chains are physically holding me. It hurts deep. I there was speaking of the same incident. I remember one of her one of her brother-in-law came to talk to me to tell me dude, I struggled with porn for six months or whatever, and you're, it'll be just fine. And I remember looking him straight in the face and telling was like how dare you Even think you're on the same level of what I feel when it comes to that type of insecurity or that type of temptation Like I've been deal? I was exposed to this when I was 12 years old and you think you're anywhere near my level of Understanding the pain, the shame that I'm feeling right now? Just get out of my face. I don't even want to talk to you. There's no reason in talking to you, because I know you don't understand what I'm going through and I would just shut doors and I was like it was angry. I was angry and that anger just kept welling up and I and this god, I begging god to take this away, but it not going away and watching things fall through my fingers in front of me. We're just tearing me apart and I was like Constantly just on my knees. Say god, why am I like this? Why am I such a failure, like I've ruined everything that I touch? This is not. It's like the opposite of the Midas touch. It's like I'm touching things and just crumbling and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so tired. I'm tired of things falling apart in my life, so tired.

Speaker 3: 27:44

Man, did you think that if you could understand this pornography thing, that that would be like the gateway for you to be living a better life? Did you think that was one of the main things?

Speaker 1: 27:56

Yeah, I feel like if I could get this fixed, maybe, just maybe, I'll have one that works, because I was desperate to feel a Safe place to be loved and I couldn't find it, so it was really hard at the time.

Speaker 3: 28:14

Were you participating in church at this time and god Seems like you're praying to him, so he's still there. Talk to me about that.

Speaker 1: 28:23

I think in college a lot of my spiritual life kind of went downhill. I would go to church but I had no connection to church or had no connection really to God. I would I've always felt, if you remember, fiddler on the roof. I always wanted to be like a reptivier, like walking down the street talking to my, talking out to God out loud and like just having so, like having that conversation. But I every time I felt like I Look, says the good book, says If a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick. And you are also right. Yeah, I really like that experience and I was longing for that experience, that connection with Christ, and I felt like if I could have that, then also everything else would just be done with to and yearning for something, but not sure how to grasp it, and then being pulled and and chained on the other side, because I would be either upfront at church sometimes but then be completely I don't know, living a different life in the background that nobody knew about. This is not like there was a Public you talk about. There are people who, like they'll go drinking and doing all this stuff. That it's like public, but it's the secret life on the side. Mine was secret behind closed doors that people didn't know about. And so I felt even I, I don't know. I felt even more of a Hypocrite, being up, living as, hey, I'm preaching all of this stuff, but when I go home behind closed doors, I'm being where I shouldn't be.

Speaker 3: 29:52

So you were preaching and doing music and after college, and you still got back into this in your adult life.

Speaker 1: 29:58

So this is this never stopped from college. It went straight through college, went straight into my adult life. I was preaching, I was doing all these things and I even went later on, in 2018, I started my ministry, a united in Christ ministries, to help like song services and praise teams and things like that, and so that was like a read, that that was like, okay, this is gonna be my thing to help me get out of this and show the world that I'm changed and I'm different and I can do things different and I'm praising the Lord, and I was using that to cover the what was hidden inside.

Speaker 3: 30:27

What were you preaching? If I went to hear three sermons in a row from Fredo, I was gonna walk away. With what message? What message were you trying to instill in the people that were listening?

Speaker 1: 30:37

to you some of my sermons were Just that you have to give it to God, you have to surrender to God. It was a lot of surrender. I had heard that all my whole life surrender to God. Give everything to God, he'll fix everything. If you give it to him, everything will be okay. And I remember preaching, so my sermons, and coming home as I got, I feel like I've surrendered everything and yet you still haven't taken this away. What's wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I not getting the message? I'm preaching? And I sometimes I would preach and I'd be like, wow, I just completely preach to myself, but I have no idea how to even find what I'm looking for in that either.

Speaker 3: 31:10

Yeah, man, I'm all about surrendering, but we also need to get some truth up in there, right? We had to. Yeah, we need to know. That's like a one-size-fits-all. So what happened? Man, keep going. I.

Speaker 1: 31:24

Don't know. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've been living this double life for a long time and I ended up meeting somebody who I was head over heels for and I was in a relationship them for a long time and in that I still lived my double life and made a lot of mistakes and a lot of errors, and In all of that, after several years of a relationship, we ended up going our separate ways and and it absolutely, totally crushed me it was probably the one of the worst ones I've ever. I've, one of the worst feelings I've ever felt, and as I was going through that, it put me in a really dark place because I was just so fed up and I was angry at God's like. God, I've asked you to take this away from me and you haven't. This is your fault. This is your fault. This is your fault why I'm like this. You're the reason why I can't get over this, because you have told, put, put me in a position to torture me and to torment me, and I Was in a dark place. Man, I was in such a dark place and I had friends who were close to me who, like I don't know how, I didn't Completely obliterate them in the wake of the destruction of destructive things I was saying, but they would at least Hear me out and say to you, just into, you're gonna make it through this, it's gonna be okay, but I I At that point in my life, actually hearing about God was detestable to me.

Speaker 3: 32:49

Oh Wow.

Speaker 1: 32:50

It was detestable. There was no answers. There was no answers there I why would I search? Why would I look at God when God just is gonna be like the kid with a magnifying glass, just putting me in the fire for no reason? God could cure everything in a snap of his fingers, but why hasn't he done it already? And I didn't want to hear about God. I would go to church and I would hear songs, and I had. I couldn't even listen to Christian music anymore. I would turn my car and just go in silence because I didn't want to hear anything, because the stuff that those talking about on the Secularator was all about love songs and all this other stuff, and I didn't want to hear that at the time. And then you have the Christian songs, which is supposed to be uplifting, and it wasn't uplifting me. It was just making me resent God. I, just I, I, I, literally. At this point I felt like there was a hole in my chest the size of the size of the Sun. I couldn't. I felt consumed by shame, by regret, by by just. I Felt like no one would ever love me. I was just there. I did. I wanted to take my life. I Was in the verge and I thought about it several times. The whole time was like what if I just Take my car while I'm driving to work, pull the steering really hard? I have a bunch of trees here. Hopefully it's. It's hard enough and I'm done. I'm done, I don't need, I don't, I don't have to worry about anymore. All this pain I'm feeling doesn't work. I would. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I lost. I only weigh a hundred and forty five pounds. I was down to 120. Yeah, you didn't have weight to lose, bro, I didn't. I didn't have weight to lose and so I was in, I was. I Didn't know what to do, man, I was suck. I didn't know what to do and I was just full of anger.

Speaker 3: 34:32

So then what happens I?

Speaker 1: 34:35

Guess I can. What happened was, I don't know, for some reason, in my anger, even in my anger, I still reach out to God because what else is there? What else is there? What other option do I have? I, even though I hated talking to God because I felt like I wasn't getting the answers, god was the only person that I felt like I could talk to or at least yell at, because it was his fault anyway. And about a month after I prayed is it God? If you, really, if you want me to go back to this relationship, let me give me a sign. Or if you want me to start over white as snow, you know what? Here's a better sign. I want you to make it snow, and he's, and I'm like you know what, let me be even better, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm just even more. I want you to make it snow only at my house. And so that was on a Friday and I was teaching, cause I was at work and I look at my watch, cause my watch all of a sudden buzzes and it says now snowing in Cleveland, tennessee. And I look at my watch and I was like no, god In my mind, I'm like no, we're not doing it. We're not doing it like this. We're not going down like this. This is a cop out, this is a cop out.

Speaker 3: 35:39

I you ask God to make it snow at your house. And then it started snowing at your house and you're like what? No, that's not cool.

Speaker 1: 35:45

That's not cool. No, I said that's a cop out, god. I was like, if I don't see it, it doesn't, it didn't happen. And yeah, no, I know. And so I'm again, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. So, while my kids are working, I'm writing a letter to God, just putting all of my, my conditions, everything that I just told you. And I get home, I go out into the middle of the woods by my house and I start read the letter out loud, in tears and my full expression of what I'm saying, and I burn the letter and the little sacrum, that ceremonial thing that I've been doing there. That night I go and I participate in a Vespers practice and as we're driving home okay, as we're driving home all of a sudden we're a mile from my house, nothing. Half a mile from my house, nothing. I'm almost pulling into my driveway okay, and it starts snowing at my house, like there are flurries, and my friends are looking and say, dude, why is it snowing right now? I was just sitting in the forecast. So they're going through their phones trying to see if this is actually happening right now and I'm like look at them and say, no, this is guys. You're not going to find this in the forecast, like it's just not going to be there and they're looking, trying to find it. I'm different. Like they're looking at the weather app, they're looking at this and they're not finding anywhere. And they'll say, guys, you're not going to find it in there. So why are you saying that? It's like you're just not going to find it in there? It's like I it's not, I just know it's not, you're not going to find it there. And I walk into the house and as I walk into the house, my watch goes off again and says now snowing in Cleveland, tennessee. And I was like, all right, fine. And so God told me it's time for you to start over, like it's time for you to be new. And so, as I got that, I got my answer, but it's not the answer I wanted. So it made me even more angry. I said God, you're supposed to fix this, not tell me to start over. This is not what I wanted.

Speaker 3: 37:30

This is Tennessee. It's all because of snow here.

Speaker 1: 37:34

So I was angry, I was even more frustrated and I think it was about three weeks later. I run in. I was asked hey, you know what my head elder says? Hey, I want you to go ahead and do music. We have a special guest coming in to do a work, a week of prayer, a mini week of prayer, and they're talking about freedom. And I was like, yeah, okay, and what's crazy, rich? What's crazy is I had some church members who they had left the church and they came back maybe a couple of weeks before that and they noticed my mood because I mean I had I had a black cloud. People walked by, they could tell like I wasn't myself. The cloud was there. And she told me you should go to internet church. It's really cool here, let me go ahead and invite you. And I was like, yeah, cool. I was like what is internet church? Like we just got a COVID. Like why are we going back into, like, zoom church? That is the thing of the past, we're over this already. Like why are we going back? And she said, no, just trust me, I want you to go for it. I want you to check it out. It's going to be really good. It's going to be really good. And so I log in and they started. I think I saw Jonathan or somebody talking there and I was there for me 15 minutes and I was like I don't want to hear this and I turned it off and I got off. Then come back and go up and says, oh, you're doing music. I walk into church and as I walk into church guess who? I see my good old pal Richard is right there and he says hey man, what's going on? I'm like wait what.

Speaker 3: 39:01

All right, I got to tell you this. I'm going to cut you off. I for some reason, when Sean invited me, I start like do I know anybody at this church? And I start looking and they said that I don't know how I saw it, but that you were a member of this church and I did what you do. I went and snooped you out on Facebook. I'm like, let me see what's going on with this guy. Is he married? Is he this? I mean, is this? And I was like man, I don't know Anybody who knew me from just basketball from a long time ago. I'm already like, oh man, this dude's not going to like me at all. This is bad, yeah. But I prayed about it and I was like I hope I see that dude. Because here's the thing, man, when you know you have something that the whole world needs, but they don't even know it. And I feel like we talk like this before we knew the gospel and we're like, oh yeah, if everybody would just know Jesus. But like that's not. I mean it is it, but it hasn't been it in the past. But now I know, oh, I've got something. I've got something. And so I think I asked Sean if you were going to be there and he said that you were going to be there the first night. So I was excited to see you and I had no idea what was going on. But I'm like I know I'm going to have something to offer this dude if I see him, because it's just kind of cool to catch up with people from the past, and then I walk in there and I'll let you go here in a second. But once you start talking to me, dude, you didn't even give me. It was like a what's up man and we gave some daps and it immediately was a sob story. Immediately was like bro my life, and so I'm sitting here with all this information like bro man. I've got some news for you, but go ahead, you tell me from your vantage point How'd it go.

Speaker 1: 41:01

I mean, that's exactly how it went down. Like I walk in, I see you and I'm like dude and I, you know, we dap it up. I was like in my head I'm like man, this guy was a jerk way back then but you know what, maybe he's a different guy, like maybe he's preaching now he's got to be a different guy, like it's got to be different. And so, like I was like he didn't do anything to specifically to me, so I'm not going to hold grudges and I'm not going to judge him because he could be different. So I, we dap it up. And then you asked me so hey, man, how, how, how's it going? And I remember you asking that because then it was the straight, like you said. I was like look, honestly I'm not doing. I said I'm not doing great, I'm tired, I'm angry. I broke up with my girlfriend and honestly I don't even want to be here, but when I do music I'm probably going to leave.

Speaker 3: 41:43

I guess I was, I was, you were a lot. You were a lot sweeter than that. You were a lot sweeter than that. You think so and oh, yeah, for sure, because we didn't know each other. And when someone, when you don't know someone, you have to. You're putting on your best. And you haven't seen someone in 15 years, you're putting on your best. And in my mind I'm like, oh man, if this dude can just listen to tonight, if he can just listen to tonight. I know, I know he hasn't heard what I'm about to say and so I think that's what I said, right.

Speaker 1: 42:11

You said I think that today's, tonight's message is going to be just for you. And what I said in my mind was says every preacher ever? So yeah, whatever. So with that I went and I did my music and I sat down and I will be 100% honest, I had never heard the gospel. I thought I did, but I have never heard the gospel until that moment and what you were saying made sense. But I had so many questions and I was just so unsettled.

Speaker 3: 42:48

Do you remember what I said that night, or that I was preaching that you're like okay, this might be a little different.

Speaker 1: 42:54

Honestly, I think my motives at first were wrong, because I had heard you saying how you had been. You went through this. You went through your own testimony of struggling with certain things and you had a huge thing with your wife. That was going on and there was restoration, but you still there was something that happened there and I was like that's what I want. I want restoration, I want to feel like I'm worth something and I, the way that you, even talking about Roman six, that you need to understand that you're free. You need to understand that you don't need to deal with any of this past anymore. And the way you even talked about it, you said you had your own personal struggles with WWW. I should not be here. I think you had mentionedcom, but that's where I got the phrase from, because you had said it.

Speaker 3: 43:42

Okay, we're going to take a quick break from our episode and I'm going to bring my sister, angie, in. Angie, how long have you been rocking with this good gospel, this good gospel?

Speaker 2: 43:55

It's been about five years now. I know that I received it a little bit after Christian, so probably like four and a half five years. And what has it meant to your life? It's changed completely, just like who I am and how I see other people. I'm able to be a very forgiving person. I used to hold a lot of grudges and I was one to seek revenge, but now I want who loves people and forgives.

Speaker 3: 44:24

You've decided to donate of your hard earned cash to keep this movement going. Why do that?

Speaker 2: 44:31

I've seen the miracles and all the stories, I've heard them, like all the people's lives that have been impacted by this ministry, and so I just want for that to continue on.

Speaker 3: 44:42

Absolutely. If you want to help out, if you're listening, you want to help out, you can go to loverealityorg slash give and you can donate to the Death of Life podcast. And we really just believe that, if we keep preaching this message, that we're never going to run out of podcast episodes, and we've just seen that the podcast has been able to encourage and edify so many people. So go to loverealityorg slash give and you can be a part of this thing moving forward. Thanks, angie.

Speaker 1: 45:15

And I said that's what I want. I want to be free from that. What do I have to do to be free from that? And so I remember, because you had finished your sermon and I was in charge of the music and everything, so I was cleaning up and you went downstairs to go to have the whole little dinner that they were having downstairs and they were having soup or something, and so I was taking my time because I really didn't want to be around people. I hated being around people at that time, but I didn't want to say, I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you. So something told me go downstairs. I went downstairs and I remember it to like this it's like God was the architect of what was happening next, because I remember it was you. It was a round table, there were six chairs and you were sitting on one side and then to your left was the head elder. To next to him was the pastor. There was an empty seat. There was another seat next to that was filled with somebody else and whatever. So, like the only seat available was to sit directly across from you and I was like, oh, this is not where I want to be in his line of sight. He's had me in his line of sight all day. I don't want to be in his line of sight anymore. But anyways, I go in and I sit down and so you're already having a conversation. I was not even telling him talking, I was just going to sit and listen because I wanted to hear more. At that instant we were maybe 30 seconds in, 60 seconds in, and you just finally, it's like the rest of the room didn't exist and it was just you and me. And you looked at me and you said so what did you think of the sermon? And I remember saying, like well, it's interesting in theory, but I still have a couple of questions. And you said no, no, no, this is not a theory, this is the gospel and I need you to understand it. So ask your questions. And that was like all right, so let's go. And I can't tell you what my questions were, but I remember asking them and you would spit out a scripture. I asked another one and you would spit out a scripture. I asked another one and you would spit out a scripture. And I would continue to ask my questions. And every time I asked a question it was like cutting deeper and deeper into my soul that I was missing something and that the answer was standing right in front of me. And I could tell, because at this moment, I didn't even catch myself till later. But I realized that there were actually tears coming down my face as I was asking my questions and then, in the midst of all that I don't know what it is, whether it's because we had this previous connection or what, but you felt, must have felt, something, because you would. Next, the next thing was the one that that really caught me deep, because you said you know what? There is something in your heart right now that is stopping you from giving your heart completely to Christ, and I need you to confess it right now.

Speaker 3: 48:06

Man, when you were sitting across from me, I knew it was. This is too good to be true. And when we preach that you have every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places and that you are righteous, you've been set aside for good works, you are free from and dead to sin, and I think what I asked is what is there that is keeping you from believing this? And the answer, 99% of the time, is a hidden sin. Right, if you are free from and dead to sin, and I'm telling you that, look, romans six, seven, or one who has died has been set free from sin. Look, romans six, 11,. Consider yourself dead to sin and alive to God. And I'm like can you do that? And if the answer is no, then there is a hidden sin slash, lie that you're believing about yourself. Right, yeah, because I mean it says that, and I don't know if you had ever seen those verses before. I hadn't, when I was receiving the gospel. I hadn't seen those verses before, because it was that question. What is keeping you from seeing this yourself?

Speaker 1: 49:20

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 49:21

So when I asked you that, what was your response?

Speaker 1: 49:25

I said I have no idea what you're talking about. And then you said that I had no idea. I had no idea what you're talking about and your response was no, there is something right now that is stopping you from believing what I'm saying and I need you to just say it right now. And I said I have no idea what you're talking about and I could tell you we're going to push more and you want it to push more. But then you flip the script, don't worry about it, we're going to talk about it tomorrow. And in my mind I was like good, because I won't be here tomorrow, I don't have to deal with this type of thing. Like I'm looking around at the people next to me, especially when you ask those questions, and now everybody's looking at me to say, oh, what is keeping this guy from not accepting this message right now? This is like the pressure was on, like I've never felt pressure like that before. And it probably wasn't intentional, because at that moment it was just you and me, regardless of who was in the room. It was just you and me and, I think, the Holy Spirit. I will say that because that was driving straight to my core. And so I would look around and it's like people are looking for what's your answer going to be? And I'm terrified to even say. And so I said you know what, thank you for whatever, and I think I just stayed quiet. And then I got up to leave, maybe about five minutes later, because I was trying to keep face, because I was on the verge of crying, because I didn't know what to say and I felt ashamed. And as I get up to leave, you get up and you say come here, let's talk in private for a second. And so you pull me into one of our, the classrooms that are at the church and we close the door. And I think, even before the door closed, I remember telling you. I was like I know what's keeping me from believing and I said I'm so tired of where my life has been and I am addicted to pornography, I am lost in sexual sin and I don't know how God can love me because he hasn't answered my call, he hasn't been listening to me, and how could God love someone like me who can't even do what he's supposed to do? And at this point I couldn't even hold back. I know tears were already down my face and I was, I was, I was, I was broken and I knew you could see it. And you stayed quiet a really long time before you said anything. At least, it felt like forever. It was like you were thinking or I don't know, waiting for an answer from God. I don't know what it was, but the next words out of your mouth over really changed me, because what you said next resonated in so many levels. Because, first of all, like like I told you earlier, I started a ministry called United in Christ and you didn't know that. You didn't know that about me. I was. You stalk me on Facebook, but you didn't know that I was involved in United in Christ. But your next words were this he goes. I want you to understand that right now you feel like you're broken into pieces, but I need you to know that you are united in Christ. The moment you said that was the moment that I felt chains release from my body and it was like truth had hit my core. And I did not accept it at the time, because what you said next he says I need you to stop living like a slave and start living like a son of the king. Those words run so true and I didn't know what to do with them, but they were speaking to who I needed to be. They were speaking to what I wanted and they were showing me that I was made for something more.

Speaker 3: 53:52

And.

Speaker 1: 53:57

I didn't know what to do. But I knew from that moment seven months ago, when you spoke that truth into my life and I believed it, I accepted it. I was cured from wanting to find love in places I shouldn't.

Speaker 3: 54:19

I think I told you were forgiven, because I think you were having a hard time believing you were forgiven, right, and I was like, bro, that stuff, old Fredo is gone, bro, and I think that's what I needed you to understand that dude is dead and that your sin is as far away from you as the east is from the west. Old Fredo is as close to you as the east is from the west. So I think I'll just say this man, I just saw that in your heart you wanted it so bad. And when you say that, other people were paying attention because they were wondering what you were going to answer. They were thinking about what their answer was. They're trying to decide. Can I believe that I'm free from and dead to sin and the lie, the thing that's in the way, that's the thing that we just got to confess it. We got to name it right. I didn't want to embarrass you because I knew what your problem was. Why? How did I know? Because you're a man in the United States of America with an internet connection. Okay, so I knew what your problem was, but I didn't want to embarrass you in front of the. I think there was a couple of ladies there too. So I was like no man, we'll do this over here. But, bro, your heart has always been so sincere, even in your deception. You wanted out. You knew it wasn't the right way to live and so I just needed you to see that. I just needed you to see that your life was not in agreement with the word. But the word is still true, right, amen. And yeah, man, I wasn't planning on you leaving. I was like I just got to. I got to. You were. Sometimes people joke around that at a Bible study or something, someone gets in my sights or something and I don't know how to not go for it. God has shown me some discernment, but I just want people to receive it so bad, because I know what it did to my life. In that sense, I wasn't going to let you go until at least you confessed that and we hugged it out and prayed like a sincere prayer of confession of all these lies, right, yeah?

Speaker 1: 56:53

And that was I think that was the biggest lie that I was believing. Was that Christ? How could Christ love me when I couldn't even uphold what I was supposed to, when I bragged so much when I was younger, about oh, I'm going to be just like Joseph, I'm going to walk away, walk the other way? And yet I had fallen to temptation over and over again. But when I heard, stop living like a slave, it was that that made me realize I have power to live free. I can choose not to live like a slave. I can fully commit to living like a son of the King. And that perspective alone tore down and broke walls, because it's time to live like a son of the King. And that transformed me right then and there. Live like a son of the King, live like a son of the King. And now, if temptation rises or those thoughts come up, I remind myself as you are a son of the King, that is not what you need to do anymore. And it's gone. I walk away. I have the power. And I think one of the verses where you were where, where you really was, like death has sorry, sin has no power over you anymore. I had never read Romans. But now I've been diving into Romans and I've been teaching Romans in a Bible study and going through it on my own, now understanding the full power that this. I was set free a long time ago and I was living under deception and lies my whole life and I needed to stop believing the lies that were being told about me, that were being put in my brain, that were being said by other people that I was no good anymore, that I should just give up on certain things of my life because I'm never going to be out of this. Now I can finally accept and say no, I am Christ child, he is my savior and he has given me authority here to move past whatever struggles I have and become one with him. Because I am, he is in me and I can choose him to follow him at my pace, when I want and always because I want to.

Speaker 3: 59:20

Man. So that night I think I pressured you into coming back the next day. I said you don't need to go camping. I don't know what I said online, like don't go camping, bro, you need to be here tomorrow. And I think I actually got you to at least say you come back for the morning or something.

Speaker 1: 59:37

Yeah, it came back because actually my friends that night all the camping trip for Friday night fizzled out, so I was like, well, I guess I can't really not go now. So I ended up having to go back anyway and heard the rest of your message.

Speaker 3: 59:51

That was God. Yeah, he was like nah, we're not camping this weekend and you were just walking away. I remember Brittany was there. I gave her a hug and I think you were riding back home with her and she hadn't seen anything, what was going on, and I was like kind of make sure that dude is okay and I just thought, okay, I think he's got a different perspective. When you're driving home that night, what was the new perspective or the new lens or what was new?

Speaker 1: 1:00:18

as you were driving home and did it feel weird the new I felt like I wasn't carrying the world on my shoulders anymore and then, at the same time, I felt tired, but it was a tired of I could finally rest and be okay. It's like emotionally, physically, everything had just been pulled out and I had a piece that it was like it's going to be okay, I want you to just. It's like I was like, just go to sleep tonight. We're going to learn how to walk this out together and it's going to be okay.

Speaker 3: 1:00:59

Yeah, man, I think what you were feeling in the tiredness is because, like when we're vulnerable and we share, like that, it is exhausting, but it's a good thing, right, and I've been thinking about first John 1 9 recently. I was thinking about this I was lying in bed last night. And first John 1 9 says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And I'm thinking about this idea, man, who's the confession for? Is the confession the fulcrum or the hinge? That's God's okay, now I will forgive. Or is the confession so important because we're entering into reality as we know it, that I am forgiven, that I am a son, that Jesus is Lord? Because the previous texts in first John 1 and for the listener I would start at verse 5, it just starts talking about darkness and light and whoever walks in the light loves their neighbor and or loves their brother, and then it says that he cleanses us from sin. But if you don't believe you need Jesus, then they're gonna have a problem. That's first John 1-8. But if you confess Jesus as Lord, he is faithful and just to forgive your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. So it's like this confession that you did was actually you entering into reality as it is. I am forgiven and I am a son, Absolutely. So the confession is for you, the confession is for me. If we're walking in deception, confession actually in the Greek means it's homologous, means same word, so you're agreeing with the word that the Father has spoken. So when you're agreeing with the word that the Father has spoken, if the Father speaks a word, then it is fact, you agreeing with it, is you entering into reality as it is right? So that night you were entering because you named this thing and you're like but what's truth is that I am forgiven and I am a son. You were entering into reality as it is, maybe for the first time in your life.

Speaker 1: 1:03:04

Most definitely for the first time in my life. I think that in the past I feel like I've had like the. You know you go to these spiritual retreats and you get these emotional moments of feeling the spirit, but I don't think this was the first time where I felt truth touch my core. I think one of the verses that you even told me that I remember you saying that I had never read before was first wait, yeah, first John, chapter two, verse one that we have, if, yeah, little children.

Speaker 3: 1:03:34

I tell you this so you don't sin, but if you do, you have an advocate with Christ, the righteous right.

Speaker 1: 1:03:39

Yeah, yeah and that when I was in, when we were in that room together and we were going through a prayer, you had me repeat after you, and as you were saying, the words which I couldn't even formulate at the time, but I spoke them with utmost sincerity that I could. I remember you saying and I understand that I am forgiven, and I remember when you made me say that, or when you asked me to say that you didn't make me, when you asked me to say that, that made me almost sob, even more uncontrollably, because I was believing what I was saying. It was talking to me, telling God I believe this, this is true for me, and so that was just like you said, completely draining, emotionally exhausting, but to the utmost degree of liberation that I could ever feel in my life.

Speaker 3: 1:04:34

So how long ago was this?

Speaker 1: 1:04:36

This was seven months, six months, yeah, the second, second or third week of February, I think it was.

Speaker 3: 1:04:44

So it's been some time. What have you been learning and how have you been able to walk this thing out? Because I think I told you this isn't an emotional, this isn't a mountaintop experience. We're just reading. The Bible's gonna say the same thing tomorrow as it says tonight. Right, as you've been growing in this, what has become a non-negotiable this is truth about me from the word, and how has that been allowed you to live your life differently than you were before?

Speaker 1: 1:05:19

That I'm his son and nothing in the world is gonna change that. And I have heard Romans and all that stuff. But when I actually started reading Romans for myself and going through it from chapter one all the way to where I am right now which is I think I just finished chapter 10 and diving into it and trying to figure it out it was always there, it was always written there the whole experience, the whole truth, speaking, knowing that you're his child. Throughout most of the New Testament, paul consistently refers to the people as saints, not as sinners. I am not a sinner. I'm living as a child of God. I'm free. I can't live that way. I always compared it to me being a teacher and saying as a teacher, I can choose whether a student is gonna be a good student or a bad student. Just by speaking truth into their life per se. I can say you're never gonna amount to anything and they're probably gonna believe that and they're gonna live their life like they didn't amount to anything. Or I could say, hey, you are gonna be the greatest inventor of all mankind. The next thing is winning a Nobel Peace Prize. God spoke that truth about me 2000 years ago by saying they're my children and I'm going to save them so that they can be with me. And I'm going to do that with my blood. And understanding that and realizing that and now allowing that righteousness that to cover me and say I am his son, I'm putting on his robe, I'm good, he's got me. I'm living my life different now in every way possible and I'm trying I would say trying, I'm just trying to get closer to him. That's what I'm trying to do, just trying to get closer to him. I'm diving into the word as much as I can. People have said you turn into a gospel junkie. Guess what? I'm sign me up, cause I'm already there. Gospel junkie, I'm trying to. Let's hear it all the time. I wanna hear it all the time. Tell me more. Tell me more. I wanna know more about Jesus.

Speaker 3: 1:07:16

Yeah, man, it's been a little over four years for me and it's just gonna get worse. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna know him more, I'm gonna be with him more. He's been discipling me and pruning me and he's doing the same thing for you and there's gonna be new stuff you're gonna receive and you're not gonna. You're we're not living from the revelation of February. There's more and more every single day. But, yeah, man, you preached a sermon. You sent me the sermon and I was listening to it and, man, I was crying, just because just to see a life changed and your life, you're new. Like everything about old Abner is gone, abner, everything about sorry I'm sure you've heard that your whole life from your mom Everything about old Fredo is gone and everything about you is new. Man, this is what I kinda wanna do right now, and we haven't done this on the podcast, but I want you to pray for someone right now. First of all, I just want you to speak to them, someone who is listening to this episode, who is dealing with the same exact thing that you've dealt with for the largest part of your life, and they're feeling like they're stuck and they've heard this episode and they're like man. I want that for me. I would like for you to speak to them and then I want you to pray. Walk that listener through confession just with prayer. If you could, you do that right now, I can try.

Speaker 1: 1:08:59

So I guess my first thing I would say to a person who's dealing with this similar situation, or any form of addiction in that matter, is that sin has no power over you. It has already been defeated and it has been taken to the grave. And the moment that you can proclaim from your mouth that Jesus is Lord and you believe that his sacrifice is real for you, you will rise up brand new with him and he will be in you. And we have been given authority here on earth to conquer that because of his sacrifice. And so if you're struggling with this, believe and I know it sounds crazy that it's that simple, but Christ did that for you so that you could walk it out with him. So know that there's no power, and since there is no power, you have every right to choose everything the other way, and it could be a struggle.

Speaker 3: 1:10:20

I know.

Speaker 1: 1:10:20

But you know what. You have every right to choose the other way, and you can choose the other way. You don't have to feel stuck. I remember when I was there. There were times I might as well keep going when I didn't have this mindset. But my mindset changed because when I'm a son of the king, I am choosing to be a son of the king with my whole heart and soul, and you have that same power. Choose to be a son of the king. Stop living like a slave stuck in a rut, and choose to be free and a son of the king. Let's walk you through prayer. Dear heavenly father, there is someone out there right now that is feels like they are chains, but, lord, those are just lies that the devil puts, because you have already broken those chains and set them free. So, as this person right now is with us and hearing this, I'm gonna ask them to repeat after me I am a son of the king, he has set me free, I am forgiven and my sins are set apart as far as the east is from the west. He loves me, he will never leave me and he will always guide me to the truth, and please always make yourself known so that I know you are there Amen.

Speaker 3: 1:12:09

For a man. You're a brother in Christ man, you're a testimony to me and it's just gonna be more and more man Lives are gonna be changed because your life was changed. Amen, I'm Jesus right.

Speaker 1: 1:12:23

Yeah, it's his story, all right, his story made my story history, so let's go, bro, let's go.

Speaker 3: 1:12:31

Thank you, man. Thank you for sharing. Yep, have a good one, powerful, powerful episode. And this brother is going to be preaching the gospel wherever he goes. I think God has anointed him with that as a gift, and if you're sitting here and you're thinking the same thing, you want what he has. Well, let me tell you, you have it in Jesus Christ. If you want the truth to set you free, this prayer is for you. Father, we just thank you that you have already done it, that you have set us free from sin, that you came to set us free and you have in fact done it. There is absolutely nothing in the way of us receiving this, and so we do believe it and we do receive it, and we thank you for the Holy Spirit that lives in us. The same spirit that rose Jesus from the dead lives in us, and we thank you for it, because this is all what you have done, because you love us, and so we thank you for this truth in Jesus' name, amen.