Death to Life podcast
#165 Finding Faith and Freedom: Mallory Garza's Journey from Gender Confusion to Unshakable Conviction
Summary:
Have you ever stood at the crossroads of conflict and conviction, where your deepest struggles meet divine purpose? Mallory Garza's riveting narrative unfolds as she recounts her transformative journey from gender confusion and same-sex attraction to a life of unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. Her testimony isn't just a story; it's a map that charts the rocky terrain of self-discovery, identity, and the relentless pursuit of something more in a world that often tells us we're never enough.
Timestamps:
21:03 - Journey of Faith and Transformation
26:38 - Walking in Faith and Freedom
34:42 - Transformation Through Understanding the Gospel
39:37 - Influence and Platform for Ministry
46:13 - Journey of Faith and Redemption
51:24 - Empowering Message of Hope and Love
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👍 LIKE us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alovereality
📷 FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/riyoung31/
📚 LEARN more at our site: lovereality.org
Looking for discipleship and fellowship? Join a Circle at lovereality.org/circles
Summary:
Have you ever stood at the crossroads of conflict and conviction, where your deepest struggles meet divine purpose? Mallory Garza's riveting narrative unfolds as she recounts her transformative journey from gender confusion and same-sex attraction to a life of unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. Her testimony isn't just a story; it's a map that charts the rocky terrain of self-discovery, identity, and the relentless pursuit of something more in a world that often tells us we're never enough.
Timestamps:
21:03 - Journey of Faith and Transformation
26:38 - Walking in Faith and Freedom
34:42 - Transformation Through Understanding the Gospel
39:37 - Influence and Platform for Ministry
46:13 - Journey of Faith and Redemption
51:24 - Empowering Message of Hope and Love
💰 DONATE & SUPPORT our Ministry: lovereality.org/give
👍 LIKE us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alovereality
📷 FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/riyoung31/
📚 LEARN more at our site: lovereality.org
Looking for discipleship and fellowship? Join a Circle at lovereality.org/circles
The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I was having conversations with God at night like Lord, why is this? Like again? I know that this is wrong. Why did you make me this way? So I'm believing the lie that this is how I was made. And I remember, just like distinctly, at the age of nine, having this conversation, because it's already three years, three or two years of me somewhat embracing the lesbian lifestyle which is crazy because I'm still a kid and I was like Lord, this is, this is who I am. Like I'm sorry. And I was like Lord, when I turn 18, I'm going to move out and I'm going to live the way that I want to live as a lesbian.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is the death to life story of Mallory Garza and man, what a crazy story. You know, when it's heavy death, sometimes it involves sexual immorality. That's what comes for the best of us. Morality, that's what comes for the best of us. You're going to hear her story and how the enemy attacked from a very young age and how she received freedom in Jesus Christ. So obviously not for super young ears, but let's get into the story. This is Mallory Love y'all the story. Uh, this is mallory love y'all. Appreciate y'all, buckle up, strap in, yeah, so, uh, this is the first time we've ever spoken. We've messaged back and forth a little bit, uh, and so I usually don't do podcasts like this, usually have like a little background. I've I followed you on instagram and I was like, oh, this is about to be, uh, super interesting. But, mallory, where are we starting this thing? Where does the story start with you?
Speaker 2:I mean honestly, as followed you on Instagram and I was like oh, this is about to be super interesting. But, Mallory, where are we starting this thing? Where does the story start with you? I mean, honestly, as early as I can remember, that's where the testimony starts, Because I grew up in church and I'm sure you know.
Speaker 1:I guess.
Speaker 2:I can go ahead and get started right now. So I grew up in like a Pentecostal church, but it was very much like I wouldn't even say borderline, but full on like legalistic religious sort of thing. So there wasn't too much like grace being preached, a lot of fire and brimstone. It was kind of, you know, just that age of Pentecostal teachings. But I was really, really grateful that I had the opportunity to witness like the gifts of the Holy Spirit being active and stuff, because that stuff unfortunately isn't very common in the American church. But anyways, as early as I can remember, I found myself having same-sex desires and gender confusion. I didn't even know what those words were at the time. I just knew that I liked the girls the way that the guys liked the girls, and I was very much more geared and related more to the guys in my school and my guy cousins and the girls. And I was very much more geared and like, related more to the guys in my school and my guy cousins and the girls around me, especially because my sister was an extreme girly girl and I was nothing like that, like extremely tomboy, and so growing up in this very you know religious church I'm hearing that like it's wrong to like. You know the same gender and everything, and so I know that these desires are bad. You know and I'm hearing that you can go to hell for it and so. But it's weird when I was young, I loved God, like the presence of God was even in, like the kingdom's minute or the, the kids, what is it called Kingdom's ministry, and I remember like as a young kid I would, I would love the Lord. There's so many photos of me being that one kid in the middle of the sanctuary praising God with all my heart. I loved him. But I remember as early as five years old being in my bed and I laid at night and I'm like crying, I'm like Lord. I hear all these people saying that these desires are bad. Why am I struggling with this? Five years old? Yes, and what's crazy is, again, I'm already struggling with this and it's not necessarily like a burning desire, but I could just tell that it was wrong. You know, we all have the law of God written on our heart and that's why we have a conscience and we get convicted.
Speaker 2:And I believe even at a young age, I had the Holy Spirit really tugging on me and convicting me, and then the enemy really just got a foothold at me. Around the age of six I had an older cousin who was a female um began to experiment things on me where a lot of people don't like to talk about it, but it's where they come in the name of playing um, playing house, playing doctor, yeah and um. So she started exposing me to a lot of stuff, exposing me to like same-sex porn and everything um, and again like just the, the twistiness, the wickedness of of like our human desires as well, because I was already struggling with those desires. And then when this got approached to me, I was like, well, I guess this is just the cards that I'm dealt with. I guess this is just who I am like, what I would you know. And so it ended up becoming, unfortunately, like a consensual thing. Like it was was straight, straight up incest. I'm being completely honest.
Speaker 2:And the the enemy really just had a foothold on me.
Speaker 2:And then I ended up like experimenting with other girls and like my elementary and stuff. This is stuff that people don't want to talk about, but I'm so open about it because my parents never in a million years where they would have thought this stuff was happening behind closed doors, but I'm very open about this for other kids to be comforted in knowing, because what kept me from going to my parents about this was that no one else was struggling with this. No one else, no one would believe me, you know, but it's actually unfortunately a really common thing and I'm also honest about it with parents are. So, to encourage them, don't be afraid to be heavily involved and like, don't think you're being a helicopter parent, you know. Be involved with your parent, with your kid's life, because they could be, you could be saving them from experiencing something that could be very traumatic in their life.
Speaker 2:And so I'm still going to church for a bit, but I find myself at the age of seven, eight already, highly addicted to porn, like going on my parents' laptop and phone when I can like. As a kid I knew how to like clear the like the safari and everything. It's crazy, like, um, but keeping everything behind closed doors, like I said, messing around with with uh girls at school, um, and then, around the age of nine, we ended up moving away and my parents experienced a lot of church hurt Cause it was, like I said, very religious, legalistic. Can I ask you?
Speaker 1:a question real quick, yeah. Can I ask you a question real quick, yeah, when you're seven or eight and there's stuff going on at school, are you still thinking about God at this point, or are you kind of moving past that? Yeah, and then the other question is besides that stuff, were you getting along at school pretty okay? Were you getting along with your parents, or was, yeah, all of this like rolled into some yeah time stuff?
Speaker 2:so again, my personality was very tomboy. I was, I'm always, I was always very headstrong and so everyone kind of just thought it was my personality. I was a very angry person. They didn't think much of it but they didn't know that I was struggling internally with so much so I was very rebellious, was I was a bully to like my classmates in elementary. I was, you know, the problem kid in all my classes, you know, and I would just stir up a lot of stuff. It almost seemed like and now I understand the spiritual aspect of it, you know generational curses, familiar spirits, but I always had, like I was, a common denominator in everything. We always had this joke. It wasn't a joke, it was like serious with my family.
Speaker 2:If I was in a room, some kid was going to get hurt because I was going to end up fighting somebody, like I was just, I was, I was all over the place and I was just, I was just so broken and um, and not even like purposely fighting, but it just kind of accidents or like I don't know, just seemed to follow me. It it's weird and I remember so, like I said at the age of five, but even to the age of like eight, nine, still having those conversations with God in bed, cause I loved him I really did, but I didn't know how to process through all of this. I didn't even know what the word lesbianism was Like. It was me looking up some girl with girl, cause I didn't know you know what I mean and sorry. So, like, I was having conversations with god at night, like lord, why is this like? Again, I know that this is wrong. Why did you make me this way? So I'm believing the lie that this is how I was made um, and I remember, just like, distinctly, at the age of nine, again on my bed, late at night.
Speaker 2:Um, I remember having this conversation because it's already three years, three or two years of me, like you know, uh, somewhat embracing the lesbian lifestyle, which is crazy because I'm still a kid. Um, and I was like lord, this is, this is who I am. Like, I'm sorry and and, and I know, like my parents had suspicion, um, and I was like lord, when I, when I turn 18, I'm going to move out and I'm going to live the way that I want to live, as a lesbian. And it's crazy, like, because at that same time, like I mentioned before, that's when my parents moved away, or we all moved away and so we stopped going to church, they experienced so much church hurt from there that they ended up like pulling completely away. So it was like I made that decision and I was pulled away from the one you know thing that I had had from God or with God.
Speaker 2:So it was weird, like it still kind of started to spiral, but I thank God. This is really weird. Like transitioning point, although I wasn't in in school, um, or I wasn't in church, my, my, the Lord started giving my mom crazy discernment. So like I ended up getting caught watching porn at like nine, 10 years old and I'm so thankful for the stuff that I was caught for. Crazy enough because even though it didn't stop there, it things were allowed to be brought to the light. That makes sense.
Speaker 2:It wasn't allowed to fester as much in the dark, and so I thank God for my mom's discernment. But what was so weird is I ended up when I started hit puberty at around like 11 or 12. So I went from being girl crazy to boy crazy, and the reality is is like I don't. I don't believe that you know it's true that God will create people with homosexual desires. That's a lie. I'm being completely honest. It's that we were all born in sin and you know sin or any sort of sexual immorality that comes with desires that people may have. And really the root of all of my stuff was I didn't know how to receive love because I didn't see myself as worthy enough. I saw myself as messed up, jacked up, because everyone like, again, I was a messed up kid. I had people at church, at school, calling me like monster, the problem kid. Like you know, I was just that, that rowdy one, and my parents didn't really know how to handle me and they were working a lot. So I felt, like you know, I just wasn't lovable, so I couldn't receive love, and so the reason why I went from girl crazy to boy crazy, it wasn't that I was, I was homosexual and that, like then I was boy crazy. It was just I was just trying to like find acceptance from people and the way that I found that was through sexual morality, um, and so I ended up, you know, like I said, boy crazy. So I go through that whole teenage girl like, um, you know, trying to give myself uh to guys, trying to find like um, um, uh, like validation from the guys around me. And it was even hard to was. I went to all white school and I'm mexican, so I'm like the one of few brown people here and they all like the other white girls and I'm trying to like. That makes me feel even more that I'm not enough and, you know, not worthy enough for people's love and affection because I don't live up to the standards that all these other guys, like you know.
Speaker 2:And then I found myself, um, around like middle of high school, which is like after I had like gotten into CrossFit and weightlifting, um, really it was just like talking to a lot of guys but I got in like an actual, you know, relationship, um, and that's when, like, I, you know, started having sex before marriage and they just it went downhill from there because, like, it's one thing to practice homosexuality, but one thing to actually like, knit your souls and like what's supposed to be saved in a covenantal marriage, um, and begin to have like sex before marriage, like my. I became so attached to this person and, um, I just became even more confused. Um, I was like four years of um, four years of it wasn't a good relationship. There was cheating involved on my end, there was just a lot of emotional abuse and I ended up moving to North Carolina to go to college and this person was there and everything, and so what I called North Carolina was like my breeding ground for sin because he lived right across the street, was like my breeding ground for sin because he lived right across the street, so like I didn't have my parents there telling me like hey, you know, can't stay up past a certain time, can't do this, and it's like I was able to do whatever I wanted.
Speaker 2:Um, and I embraced that. Unfortunately, and I remember, throughout those couple of years, there was two moments, two, two times where we had broken up and I had found my way back to God, trying to. At least I found myself trying to go back to church, trying to, you know, get right with God Because, again, I loved God as a kid. I knew what was right and wrong, but and it was so weird looking back at it I even have old archive posts from like middle school from, and even looking back at when I was in North Carolina, I would still preach the gospel to people.
Speaker 1:I would tell people what was the gospel you were preaching.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I was like talking. It was more like fire brimstone, because I didn't understand the love of God. So it was like kind of how Jesus is the one true God. You know that that he loves us, but if we don't put our faith and trust in him, like we are going to hell and the thing I knew that to be true and I would straight up tell, like all the guys that I was with, I was like we're going to hell because we're living in sin, you know. But like that's how wicked it was. It's like I would know truth but I still wouldn't fully surrender to God.
Speaker 2:And so I found myself those two couple of times trying to go back to God. I would go to him, but it was out of a heart posture of I know that God, I believe that God can free me from all my struggles and my anxieties, my depression, because I was extremely suicidal when I was in North Carolina, like being separated from my family and all those sorts of things. But I would go to Jesus for him to try to fix all of my stuff without the willingness to fully surrender my life to him. And you know that that's not how that works. So all both of those times I ended up backsliding completely, like we ended up getting back with this boy and falling back into sexual immorality. And man, it's such a testament to like sexual immorality will be the first thing that completely draws you away from God. I remember these two instances I would have encounters with God, like I could feel His presence and I would go to church. I feel convicted. But the second I would let in to that sexual morality. It was like all conviction went out the window. It's crazy. It's crazy.
Speaker 2:And so I found myself, long story short, still living in North Carolina. Again, the discernment of my mom. My mom didn't even know exactly how much I was struggling, but the Lord told her it was time for me to come home, cause my parents were, like, for the most part financially supporting me, so they had the say of where I was going to live and everything. And it was so weird because, like I said, I was depressed, anxious, like I I was, I was a psychosomatic, I'll be completely honest Like I could not be in a clear state of mind unless I was doing something, you know, whether that be porn stuff with my boyfriend, or even just like, like seeking the validation, the attention of other of my other guy friends is crazy. And keep in mind too, this whole time I still had attraction to girls, but it was just because I was suppressing, you know, or like covering that with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and so my mom bringing me back home and what's so weird I can't even begin to like fully explain it in the words was my, in my flesh and in my mind.
Speaker 2:I was extremely upset because I knew that I wasn't going to have the access to, like you know, sex and everything. I wasn't going to have that freedom either. What the world defines as freedom, as doing what you want, that's not freedom, that's bondage. But I was upset, but in my spirit, because I believe, and I tell everyone this our spirits, our souls all long for intimacy with God, and I was aware of that, because I knew that doing life the way that I wanted to do only left me depressed, anxious, suicidal, and my soul was crying out for God. And what's weird is, when my mom told me we're going back home again, I was upset. But my soul was also so excited because I knew that this wasn't just God geographically moving me home, this was him calling me home spiritually. And so, you know, ended up like packing up again. It was sad I left my boyfriend. Whatever, we try to still work things out, but it's so weird Again, I can't even explain it when I said bye to him, like I knew in my soul, in my spirit, that that was the last time I was going to say bye to him in the sense of like him being my boyfriend.
Speaker 2:And so I come home and that really starts the sanctification process. Like I, I was really wrestling with God when I say sanctification, like I no longer was in an area where I was able to continuously live in sin, because I was in the same household with under the same roof with my parents, and so conviction started coming back and just this tug that God was having on my heart, like my parents started making me go to church again and I was like, no, I don't want to, because I don't want to be convicted, you know, but it just really reminds me of the story of Jesus and Jacob in the Old Testament. You know where the Spirit of God is wrestling with him, and that's what it was for a few months. God is just wrestling with me and I always say, like he put me to the point where I was in a chokehold and I had to tap out, you know, because, like the way I imagine it too is God allowed me to reap the consequences of my actions fully. So where I thought I was anxious, depressed, I was wrestling with God. Lord, take anybody out of my life that separates me from you.
Speaker 2:All of a sudden, boyfriend started leaving me for somebody else, but still staying in a toxic relationship. Any friends that I had gone. I remember there was this one night specifically, I started having a lot of anxiety attacks. On top of all this, I was injured for the first time. So I wasn't training. So all of the identity and validation that I got from being a Team USA weightlifter gone and out the window. So I was like down in the slumps and I was having a lot of anxiety attacks.
Speaker 2:There was one day where I had a lot of driving. I almost drove off the highway and later that weekend I had my 40. I was ready to take my own life in my bedroom. That weekend I had my 40. I was ready to take my own life in my bedroom. And what's crazy is I heard God speak to me and he didn't come to me necessarily in the name of love. He told me if you were to die right now, you'd be going to hell. And all of a sudden the fear of the Lord in my bedroom came over me so heavy that I at one the reality of hell stopped me from taking my own life. But then so much peace came out of me because it was almost him showing me that if I were to die right now I'd be going to hell. But that doesn't mean that you have to continue walking down that path. So for the first time in like my life being so dark, I saw a light. I saw hope for the first time, and this is at like 19 years old and um, and the lord ended up leading me to like a ministry through the uh, utsa, the school I was.
Speaker 2:I used to be at um called Chi Alpha and they that same weekend they were having like this church event. I ended up going and um, and this was like a week after that encounter with the Lord and I can't even I can't even begin to like fully explain it. I was still holding on to my ex-boyfriend and porn specifically, but I was trying to get right with God. And then, before the Saturday night service I heard him speak to me. He said your breakthrough will happen once you lay everything down and at that moment I decided I was done. I was fed up because I'm still having suicidal thoughts, I'm still having all this struggle and bondage I delete. Fed up because, like I'm still having suicidal thoughts, I'm still having all this like struggle and bondage, I delete all of like the videos I had on my phone. I made the decision in my head. I didn't like communicate with him at the time but, like I was done, I was fully giving my life to Jesus.
Speaker 2:And at that worship that night, what was supposed to be three songs ended up turning to a two hour worship service because the spirit of the Holy Spirit ended up pouring down on everybody and I can't even explain it. I took my glasses off because I was covered with tears. I had become so depressed in life that life was kind of like black and white. And then, at this moment when, truly, the Lord removed the scales off of my eyes, completely, switched my life around. The lights in the room were significantly brighter, like. The colors in the room were significantly more vibrant and I just remember like almost feeling high. I know it sounds crazy, but I always make the joke like there's no high, like the most high. And I just remember, like feeling this peace that I had been longing for my entire life, that I had been trying to find in. You know the sexual morality, the, you know the weightlifting, the, everything. But like I felt it all in that one moment because God had delivered me and he had like shown me that, like I was truly forgiven for my past, I didn't feel guilty. For the first time, I knew that I was truly forgiven and it was just a crazy experience I still can't even really fully put it into words other than I was born again.
Speaker 2:Simply, simply put, and um, after that, like I just became so, so zealous for the Lord, um, which was a good and bad thing, it was a beautiful thing, but I didn't have the wisdom and the maturity to to um, combine with that quite yet, and so I, just, I was just sharing with everybody like, oh my gosh, this Jesus guy that I heard about growing up, like I encountered him, he's real. Everybody in my gym that was primarily atheists and LGBTQ. I didn't care what they had to say, I was telling them. I was like, bro, this Jesus guy, he's real.
Speaker 2:I started preaching, or I started like just posting random stuff on my story Nothing crazy on Instagram, quite yet and then, of course, the Lord had to chastise me for a few months, you know, like help me mature, um, um, help me understand what his love is, you know, so that I can pour that out to other people, cause I still definitely, was still on that Like again, it's true, and I still, I still will preach this, cause it's part of the gospel. You know, if we do not believe in Jesus Christ as a son, that he lived, died and rose again, we will perish, you know. But God, he didn't come to condemn the world. He came to give life so that we can have everlasting life. It's a message of hope and love, and so that's what the Lord had to take me through for journey of a few months, of giving me that perspective, so that I can now share that perspective with other people and allowing my life to show the gospel, instead of trying to sell people a message they could just see the hope of glory inside of me, you know, and being able to share them the best news, the good news, you know, that's what gospel stands for. And yeah, that's just been the journey he's been taking me through, like the Bible said, going from glory to glory and faith to faith, and I'm so grateful he's been so patient with me. Like I said, I tried coming to him two times and I still backslid and I was professing His name.
Speaker 2:Through all of this, I was still professing Christian through it all. I was like lukewarm to the T and I always say all the time, even when I was extremely unfaithful, god was faithful to me and I thank Him so much for that every single day, because I wasn't deserving None of us are deserving of His grace and His mercy, you know but he extended it to me and now I just try to help other people see that, see the hope that lies in Jesus and especially, a big calling that I believe I have over my life and a burden that I have over my heart is to wake up people who are living in lukewarm Christianity and just to help them see the reality that we need to be living a life worthy of the price that he paid for us that we claim to believe in. And yeah, that's just been the journey since I started preaching the sit down talk videos on Instagram like a few months ago and yeah, it was pretty much.
Speaker 1:So how long ago was this moment in the church? This was.
Speaker 2:October of 2022. And I forgot to mention as well, when I was still in the world, like I mentioned, I still had same-sex attraction. I still had a crippling addiction to sex and that moment after I encountered gone, I did not have a lustful thought for a girl afterwards. There was still a struggle with craving sex, because that's a desire God's put in our heart. It's not inherently a bad thing, but lustful. You know, premarital thoughts is not good and that took about a month for the Lord to deliver me from. But yeah, I'm no longer addicted to porn. I've not watched porn since, like the day before that, like I said, no longer having same-sex attraction. So that's why I can confidently preach that homosexuality is not from God. Sexual immorality is not from God. He can free you from it. You know, because he freed me from it. I just thank him so much, man, because it was a crippling, crippling addiction. But whom the sun sets free is free indeed.
Speaker 1:So, and praise the Lord for that, when you were like five, six, seven, eight and you're starting to watch porn, did you feel the guilt right away or did you push it away? Did you push that guilt away?
Speaker 2:yeah, oh, I, um, I felt disgusting, like I felt so dirty again because, even though I didn't hear exactly in the church that porn is wrong or, you know, same-sex attraction is wrong, again, we have the law of god written on our hearts and I knew it was wrong.
Speaker 2:I, I, was a slave to condemnation and guilt. That's why I kept it in the darkness, that's why I never told my parents about it. But man God, like I said, he was just so faithful. But, yeah, I just kept pushing it and just kept trying to embrace it, because that was the only like temporary satisfaction that I knew of, you know, because sin will satisfy you for a season and it would satisfy me in a moment, but it just brought so much more death and destruction. One of my favorite verses that I like refer to is Proverbs 12, 14, where it says like there's a way that seems right to man, but his ways lead to death and destruction. And that seemed right to me, you know what I mean Like to fulfill my temporary, you know, lustful desires, but it just ended up creating like a whole world of chaos.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what was not meant for you will never fulfill you, Yep. So I always think of sin, like drinking a Coca-Cola when you're super thirsty.
Speaker 1:If you drink a Coca-Cola when you're super thirsty. You, you drink a Coca-Cola when you're super thirsty, you will get dehydrated. Caffeine is a diuretic Like it will not actually quench your thirst, you drink the whole thing. You're going to want another one because it will never actually satisfy. And so what you weren't created for will never satisfy you. But if you keep going back for sexual immorality, um, it will never satisfy, it will never satisfy. So you, if you keep going back for sexual immorality, it will never satisfy, it will never satisfy. So you have to keep going back and going back, and that's how our mind gets changed, right, because we keep going for something different, something new, and it will never satisfy.
Speaker 1:When you were talking about your church, the experience of the church, it made me think of this, and I'm sure you know this verse is in Ephesians, chapter two. This is verse five. It says even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. By grace, you've been saved and raised us up with him and seated us with him in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. So the truth is, you knew about him, but you didn't have him in you. You didn't have life right. Whoever has a son has life. Whoever does not have the son does not have life.
Speaker 1:And you're talking about this high that a Christian is simply a human being who is filled with the spirit of God. Right, yeah, and you then were filled with the spirit of God, yeah, and so, like there's actually life in you, you weren't a zombie anymore, and now you've been. And when you're talking about being zealous, I can totally understand that sentiment, because when you know I had been a Christian my whole life, but I didn't know I had actually been set free, and so I was still struggling with all of these things been set free, and so I was still struggling with the all of these things that. So, yeah, that moment when you actually have life since that moment you've had life this whole time you're, you're rocking with life, uh, and I can just like feel it coming off of you, like the spirit of God, like you have it. Uh, when, uh, when you don't feel like that, when you're not on a podcast, um, what brings you or reminds you of the truth? Like this isn't about a feeling, this is about the truth.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So something too I would like to add, probably honestly, six, where the enemy still definitely had a grip over my mind, where I started to fall back into legalism, where I was like I have to work my way to be righteous. You know what I mean, and I would struggle with condemnation of if I would like mess up with like a lustful thought or, you know, wouldn't act in love on something. Then I would forget about God's grace, you know. And so the Lord had to take me through this journey. Or, like you just mentioned, mentioned Ephesians 2, but like Ephesians 2, 8, where it says we're saved by grace through faith, and the Lord had to take me through this whole.
Speaker 2:Like bringing so much revelation on how it really does all come back to belief in faith. You even read in the Old Testament before Jesus. It said Abraham was accounted righteous because of his faith in God, because of his belief. And you know how it really is all by God's grace that we're made righteous, you know, as long as we continue to put our faith in the finished work of the cross and believe that his blood truly has washed us clean from all shame, guilt and condemnation that my sins in the past and every sin that I'm going to commit, god thrown in the sea of forgetfulness. That's what Apostle Paul is talking about, of like running the race of faith, like the enemy isn't. The enemy is already under our feet. Jesus already defeated him. The race and the battle, or the battle is with ourselves, of not allowing the shame of the past or the lies of the enemy, or the circumstances around our life to cause us to lose our focus and sight on Jesus, the circumstances around our life to cause us to lose our focus and sight on Jesus.
Speaker 2:And so around, like last summer, that's where he had to take me through this journey of really, as I say, at all times it's almost frustrating how simple it is, but that's how amazing, like it's so beautifully simplistic of this walk, as a Christian is just continuing to fight, to continue to behold Jesus, keeping our eyes fixated on him.
Speaker 2:And it was after that where I finally learned, like man, like I know it sounds like so simple and like duh, but it's not until God brings that revelation and like growing in that true intimacy and relationship with God, understanding what his grace is. You know, not that it's a license to sin, of course, but it empowers us to live righteously, as he calls us to. And that's definitely like from that point where I felt like I was truly, truly able to walk in and freedom. Um, you know, even though I like I was baptizing the fire of the Holy spirit and everything but, uh, just understanding like how infinite and how great his love is, has been extremely freeing. Um, would you remind me of the question you asked, cause I know that was like leading into it.
Speaker 1:I was asking, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I think I was just commenting about you having life.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and then you wanted to, but you said something.
Speaker 2:Oh, you said even when I'm not on, like podcasts and stuff. Oh, that's right.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right, yeah. Like, do you need to feel like this specific way and have all this energy? Because you seem like a super energized person and when you're feeling low, all these things about you are still true right, regardless if you're feeling it or not, right? Yeah, I would say how do you believe that, even when you're not feeling it?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, so that's. That's why I mentioned the first part, because my feelings were they were my master, still the first, like six months of my walk. You know, god's given us feelings for a reason. They're good. I heard the saying once. It was like they're good indicators but they're not good masters.
Speaker 2:And so anytime, like you said, I wouldn't feel the presence of God or I wouldn't feel his love, I would allow that to weigh on me and I wouldn't continually decide, I'd go, sometimes days, without reading my Bible, and that's really just like a tactic from the enemy. You know what I mean Again to take our eyes off of Jesus. But when the Lord gave me this revelation of again fighting the fight of faith, of just continuing to behold Jesus no matter what, I was able to disconnect with my feeling To where now, like doesn't matter if I don't want to, because I still feel like that at times, where I don't want to get in the Word because I'm tired, I don't want to wake up early and pray, I don't want to minister to people around me, but I've learned that my feelings aren't. My master Jesus Christ is and His Word is true, and His Word says that. Not exactly, but this is a revelation that he's given me. He commands His people to be on fire for Him. That's why, when you read the revelation, I'd rather you be hot or cold, but because you're lukewarm I'll vomit you out my mouth Like he wants us to be continually on fire for him. And if you think about actual fire, you can keep that burning as long as you feed it. And so, having the understanding of my fire can my fire can continually burn and grow for God as long as I feed it with the word of God, feeding it with prayer, feeding it with intimacy, feeding it with time in the secret place. And so it's now like just that understanding of like it doesn't matter what I feel. You know, that's why Jesus says like Lord, follow me. You got to pick up your cross, crucify your flesh, putting that to death.
Speaker 2:And it's really just like I say mine don't matter, but I don't even think it's like. It's really just like I say mine don't matter, but I don't even think. It's like it just comes out of a love for him, of I truly understand, now that he is he's my life, like he's my breath. You know, I say all the time I go in the secret place and I feel like I can breathe when, you know, when I actually go and commune with him, and so I recognize that he's my lifeline and I need that. So, even when I feel like I don't need it, I force myself to you know, and then it's just like I said, like it rejuvenates the fire and everything. It becomes a discipline, exactly, and that's what keeps me going. And man, god's just so intentional too with what he brings us in life. Then you know the other passions he puts on our heart.
Speaker 2:With me being in weightlifting at a high level for six years, I learned the craft of doesn't matter what you feel or think, you get the work done and because you love it.
Speaker 2:And it's the same thing with, like our walk with God.
Speaker 2:And I'm careful saying work, because again, going back to Ephesians, like there are two, nine not saved by works, lest any man would boast Because again, it all goes back to faith. But it's that same thing of doesn't matter what I feel, doesn't matter what I think, I know what the truth is, I know what my heart longs for and what my soul needs, and I'm going to fight, do whatever I need to do to grow in that intimacy and that relationship, because now, being in a leadership position like I understand that it's not just my walk with God on the line, like there's thousands of other people. You know what I mean, that the Lord has called me to minister to and to feed into that. You know I don't want to get to judgment day and hear about all the things that I could have done if I would have just fully, fully invested my everything into God. I want to fully, fully live for Him and then when I get to judgment day I hear that well done, good and faithful servant. You know so.
Speaker 1:It's. I want to offer you this, and I know you believe this, as I'm thinking about old Mallory. It isn't that God came and changed old Mallory in the sense that he patched up your filthy rags or like. The problem with old Mallory was so severe that the only the only thing that would work was that she had to die, and so old Mallory did die with Christ.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And there's this verse in Galatians where he says Paul says, I've been crucified with Christ is no longer I who live, but Christ that lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh. I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. And so old Mallory like this isn't Mallory 2.0.
Speaker 2:Like oh, you're just saying.
Speaker 1:It's a completely new creation, one that has never been seen before on this planet, and it is Mallory and Christ together, and so it's not like, oh, I just need to get better. What you need is to have your mind set on this. I'm in Christ and Christ is in me and he is living his life out through me. When I walk into the room, it smells like Christ, because I am the aroma of Christ. I have the mind of Christ Like I don't have to, literally like I don't ask him to do things. He's given me authority, and when I go in, I get to love people and he loves them through me. And if we don't have that understanding of the gospel, then it is just a behavior modification system, right. It is just oh, you were in that, yeah, you just got in that church and you just got. No, you died with Christ. And it's a totally new creation, right.
Speaker 2:And I think the difference too. Like I love how you said you get to love other people. That's what I was missing those past two times that I, you know, try coming to the Lord Again. Behavior modification. I didn't truly understand that concept of if I truly believe, if I'm truly born again. Like I love the verse and I think it's like 1 Corinthians 5. It's like behold, like new creation, everything is new. I didn't truly believe that and so I would see things as like, oh, I have to do this, I have to do this for God to love me. But I didn't understand that, like the Bible says, there's nothing that we can do to separate him from his perfect love. Like his love is unconditional. You know what I mean and it's just a matter of me believing that and growing in that, growing in a greater revelation of that. And now I understand, like you said, I get to do all these things. I get to serve a holy and perfect God. I get to zealously burn for him every single day. You know, I get to minister the good news to strangers all around me. It's incredible and it really was.
Speaker 2:Just like the way I explain it is, it was a perspective change. You know like. If you look at even what depression and anxiety is, it's simply your eyes are fixated on the wrong stuff. Depression is selfish. That's what it is it's. You're thinking so much about yourself and how bad your life is.
Speaker 2:And when I had that encounter with God, my perspective completely changed. That's why the colors were brighter. The lights were brighter, you know. And, oh my gosh, I was on live the other day and the Holy Spirit said this through me and it explains it perfectly. The world will say you have to see the cup half full instead of half empty. He changed my perspective, not to where I see the cup half full.
Speaker 2:Now I realize that my life in Christ, my cup, is truly overflowing, because when we come to Christ, we have those never-ending rivers of living water flowing in and through us. And so that's the perspective that he gave me at that point, and I just have to again fighting the fight of faith. We have to continue to fight to that perspective, because when you become Christian, the enemy isn't like oh, I lost another one. No, you get a bigger target on your back. There's greater spiritual warfare, there's greater. He's going to try to hit you with a condemnation and everything of your past. But after it all comes back down, as simple as it is, like believing in that finished work and, like you said, believing that I truly have been made new and man, the former things are in the past. You know they got to leave it dead. Like Jesus said, let the dead bury the dead.
Speaker 1:She got to move forward with him yeah, uh, rip old mallory, she, she desperately wanted to be loved because she didn't know how much she was. Okay, we're gonna interrupt this episode real quick and I'm gonna bring on my friend, sarah. Sarah, how long has it been that you've been uh down with the gospel?
Speaker 3:um Since February of 2019. So five years.
Speaker 1:February of 2019. Five years what has the gospel done to change your life?
Speaker 3:The gospel has radically transformed my life. Um, I think the first thing that happened was I didn't have an eating disorder anymore, and that was amazing. And it's just deepened drastically since then, I think.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's go. It's changed your life so much that you have an episode on the Death to Life podcast. Actually, you have dedicated some of your time, your energy, your finances to keep this message that we are free from and dead to sin in Christ moving forward. Why is that important to you?
Speaker 3:Because everybody deserves to know who they are in Christ and everybody deserves to experience healing and freedom and newness of life so important.
Speaker 1:And newness of life so important, so we got to get it out there.
Speaker 1:If you're listening to this, you've heard the spiel. We would love you to go to loverealityorg slash give. Every dollar that you give goes towards this message getting out there, whether through the podcast, through the Bible studies, through Internet Church. This is what we want to keep doing. We want these episodes to reach all over the world, and they do, but we want more people. So, loverealityorg slash give, I wanted to ask you this how has God given you influence and a platform to be able to share this with people?
Speaker 2:I would say it's something that he's actually like brought me through recently, because the whole social media thing, like preaching online, has been kind of recent. I was doing the weightlifting and, you know, mixing that with the gospel for some time. I think I got up to like 30,000 followers, which is no small feat. But this past growth, the past few months, is definitely a lot more significant. But the Lord honestly has. I got to a point. I'm going to be completely honest. I love being honest with people because I believe, like the truth can set people free from condemnation.
Speaker 2:With all the growth, I started to fall in a place of pride, thinking that the numbers were almost a representation of my intimacy with God. And the Lord gave me a revelation that or he spoke to me that I actually have an influence or I have a grace of influence over my life. And he was like the gifts are without repentance. He was like, so don't ever think that this influence is a representation of how well I know you and how well you know me, and so it would keep me in a place of humility, of like okay, like this is simply a gift, like a talent, like the Matthew 25 talks about, that the Lord has entrusted me with and, frankly, because I asked, like I didn't ask for this necessarily, but I asked for God's will to be done in my life and this is kind of what happened, you know. But yeah, like that really just humbled me in the sense of like, okay, our worth isn't put in what we're doing for ministry, like, again, it all goes back to our work. Our worth is determined and our value is determined based on what, the price we were paid for and that's, you know, jesus Christ's life, and we're going to be judged so according to the intimate personal relationship that we have for him. You know, like we're not justified by the works that we do in ministry or anything.
Speaker 2:That was kind of like a side note I felt led to just share that, because I feel like there's a lot of people in my generation trying to go into social media preaching the gospel, which is a great passion, a great desire, but it can be a slippery slope, you know, like social media can definitely be, um, a blessing and a curse, which is why we have to consistently, consistently be connected to god so he can keep us in that place of, uh, humility, um, but yeah, like I said I I never would have thought that I'd be doing this.
Speaker 2:Um, I would say, although and when I was in the world, I still very much was a leader. People would see me as a leader because I was very outgoing, I was very outspoken, and so I think that that kind of was just a grace that God had over my life from the beginning, like I mentioned, and that grace, of course, has carried over to now with my walk with him, where he now, you know, entrusted me with like somewhat of a flock and everything. And I always say all the time I don't know what I'm doing most times but, like you know, see, the spirit leads and I just pour everything from my heart out of again, truly, truly, like a love for jesus and pointing people back to him. It's not about following me, like the apostle says, follow me as I follow christ, like it's uh and um, yeah I just, yeah, the biggest risk is seeing yourself outside of Christ, like without Christ.
Speaker 1:old Mallory is old Mallory, but that isn't true. I mean that person is gone. So Christ is your sanctification, which means Christ is your holiness. You are holy as he is holy. Christ is your righteousness. You are as righteous as he is, just just as he is. So are you in this world. But all of that is in Christ. You have every spiritual blessing in Christ. You're free from sin in Christ.
Speaker 1:So all of these things are in Christ, and as long as we grab a hold of that and believe that is the truth I am in Christ then the social media thing can be a huge blessing, because there is boasting. The Bible says there's boasting, but it's boasting in the Lord. Yeah, it's not like you're not going out there and praying over people or setting people free in the name of Mallory, right, you're setting people free in the name of Jesus, because that is the only name that will set anybody free by. So that's. I'm super encouraged to see you ministering to people. Let me take you back, let's. Where are we going to go If you could sit down with Mallory when she was trying to figure out this? Like nine-year-old Mallory already has a qualified heart because she loves God but doesn't know the truth. If you get to spend some time with this girl who's just kind of angry and and you get to put your arm around her.
Speaker 1:What? What are you going to minister to this, to this girl?
Speaker 2:Man, that is a crazy question. When you mentioned it earlier, I was like I could cry just thinking about this, because I don't think I've ever actually like sat down and because, again, when the Lord freed me from condemnation and guilt, like he freed me from all regret. So, like now I look back at my past and where a lot of people you know may see that I would regret, I'm so incredibly grateful that I went through everything that I went through, because, because now you look at the prominent, you know I would say issues, but like you know, sin in society, lgbtq, you know, like sexual immorality. Now I have a voice in those, you know, not that you know no one else would, but now I can approach people, which I do. I ministered a lot of LGBTQ when they come in the name of.
Speaker 2:I was born this way and I'm like I completely understand where you're coming from because I was in your same shoes, but we're all born in sin. That's why the bible tells us we have to be born again and um. So I'm incredibly grateful for everything I went through. You know my testimony. I truly believe that the lord, like, has ordained my steps from the beginning. You know, like he, there was this one incident where I was four. I forgot to mention that from the very beginning.
Speaker 2:Um, and I'll circle back to, like the, the nine-year-old but, um, uh, when, at this church, again, like it was very legalistic and religious, but the spirit of god was still there and, um, I remember watching my uncle, who was a pastor at the time, preach and I was in like the back of the sanctuary and I just remember looking out and seeing the spirit of god come over people and I knew I knew I couldn't even put into words at the time that God was going to use me in that way, like to lead people to, you know, to like believing in Jesus.
Speaker 2:In simple terms, like that's what I understood at like four or five years old and I believe at that moment that's really where, like the Spirit of God marked me Because, again, even when I was living in the world, I was preaching like as twisted as that sounds, but like I believe that's like an anointing that the God, that God hadn't or you know what, like the Bible talks about how, like, our, um, our days are written, you know, like and um, he orders us up to the righteous and everything, um, but, yeah, so, like, fast forward, so like when I was nine man, I can't even again.
Speaker 2:So it's weird because, like I, I don't, I don't regret anything. So I wouldn't tell her necessarily like, oh, do this and this so you can avoid this and this, because, like I said, I wouldn't go back and change anything. However, um, I think I probably would just come and comfort her of your fear that nothing's going to work out. It's not real. God's going to bring everything back full circle, that love that you had for him, that pure love that you had for him as a kid. He's going to bring you back home and I feel like I would just comfort her with that.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I was trying to think of what I was talking about, but I just haven't thought about that before what I would just like comfort her with that Sorry, I was trying to think of what I was talking about, but I just haven't thought about that before Like what I would tell her because I was living in so much shame at that time at nine years old it's like really hard to even comprehend a kid going through that. But I would just comfort her with like he loves you so much because I was believing the lie that he didn't love me because of the things that I was struggling with so I would just tell him like he's so that he cares about you and so much so that something I left out of that testimony was that encounter that I had with God oh my gosh, and that my apartment in North Carolina, where I was like super depressed and I had a lot of moments where, like my boyfriend would leave at night and I would feel so alone. I cried myself to sleep almost every night the Lord took me through like this, this series of visions where it was like me alone in my apartment, and he showed me exactly where he was in that room every single time. So, like, when I was crying myself to sleep in my bedroom, he showed me like there is one where she was like sitting on the office chair next to me. There is one where he was sitting right next to me like dead. You know, like when I had that 40 to my head and I tried taking my life, he showed me that he was hovering over me. I didn't feel him like physically at that moment, but he showed me that he was there. You know, like the Bible talks about King David like I, in the, in the, in the depths of hell, you're there with me. You know, in in my lowest moments, he was there with me, and so I would just like share that with her. Um, and those visions like hey, he's there with you.
Speaker 2:And it's so crazy to think about that. It's so difficult to wrap my mind around how a holy and perfect God would be not just willing or not just like, yeah, willing, but wanting to sit with us in our vomit and in our dark moments, um, out of, you know, the hope and plan that he has for us to pick us out of it. And so, again, I would just tell her, like it didn't matter how much I would say, that I loved her. You know, I tell people all the time I love you, but you know that doesn't matter. What matters is that Jesus loves you, you know, and I would just try to share with her how real that is and comfort her with um. You're going to mess up a lot, um, before things come around full circle, but trust that it's going to come around full circle, um, and yeah, I never thought about that before. That was such a cool question, thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, mallory, you're a testimony to us. I'm excited to see and hear how God continues to use you to touch people's lives, and thank you so much for sharing your story.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much I really like the way that you set up this podcast with, you know, really going in with the bad and everything podcast with um, you know, really going in with the bad and everything. It just really sets up you know, the um. When we do we come face to face with the, with the hope of glory man. He just radically changes things and, like you said it, like as long as we keep believing, keep fighting that, that the fight of faith, we never go back.
Speaker 1:You know because we're a new creation to frame. Now we can't go back. I'm not going back, right, you going back, I so right, heck, no, she's dead D-E-D.
Speaker 2:I want to raise people from the dead, but not that kind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not going back to old Mallory or old Richard. God bless them. Thank you so much, Mallory.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:I love to hear Mallory's fervor and zeal for God and if you feel, like you're in that place, that there's condemnation, there's guilt, condemnation and shame just racking your brain, your life, this is for you. Father, thank you that you have freed me, thank you that you didn't come to condemn me but you came to save me. Thank you that you have saved me, that you've seated me with your son, jesus, in heavenly places, and you did this all because you love me. Thank you, jesus name, amen, Make sure you vibe with us on Internet Church every other Friday night. We love to see you there. It's where it goes down. So check out Internet Church. It's going to be a blessing Love y'all, appreciate y'all. Bye.