#166 Embracing a New Beginning, Michael's Path to Transformation

Standing at the edge of despair, only to be pulled back by an unseen hand of hope, Michael's story captures this dramatic shift from contemplating suicide to embracing a life he never imagined. Join us as he shares how an invitation to a Love Reality event sparked an incredible transformation. Through a deeply vulnerable conversation, Michael's baptism symbolizes his release from self-doubt and destructive habits, welcoming him into a life of faith and community.

When dance transcends mere movement, where is the line between art and intimacy? Michael discusses navigating personal boundaries in the vibrant yet complicated dance community. His candid reflections on seeking connection in fleeting relationships and addressing sex and consent amid expressive body language will resonate with anyone searching for love in the rhythm of life.

Experience the power of rebirth in this episode as we journey with Michael through his struggles and healing. From a childhood marked by early exposure to pornography and lack of guidance to his quest for identity amid unhealthy relationships, his story is a poignant reminder of the complexities of human experience. Michael's transformation is not just about overcoming the odds; it's a testament to the restorative power of love, understanding, and believing in new beginnings.

Timestamps:
0:00 - Transformation and Freedom Through the Gospel
9:59 - Life Changing Baptism Experience
18:44 - Personal Journey Through Struggles and Healing
28:23 - Navigating Intimacy and Boundaries in Dance

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:35

The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus.

Speaker 2: 0:49

This is Death to Life, so November 15th of 2019, I was going to commit suicide. I quit my job, telling everybody I was going to move to California become an actor and it was a lie. Nobody knew. Family members didn't know. That was the last day. It was marked for me. I was like this is the day I'm going to go. So my best friend hits me up randomly and say, hey, I'm going to go to this thing called Love Reality. You should come with me. And I'm like OK, yeah, we'll go. I didn't tell him. I was like this is my last night. Anyways, I'm just going to appease him, hang out with my best friend and then dip out.

Speaker 1: 1:41

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo yo. Welcome to the Death of Life podcast. I'm Richard and today's episode is with my brother, michael, and I have never met Michael in real life. I've just seen him over and over again. We have a video where he's getting baptized, and today you're going to get to hear the background of that story and it'll blow your mind.

Speaker 1: 2:09

It is so beautiful and this episode has a lot about sexual identity. It has a lot about pornography. Make sure you use discernment in who listens to this episode. But it is beautiful, it's wild, it's God loving Michael. So buckle up, strap in Love y'all, appreciate y'all. This is Michael. So I have like you're kind of a celebrity in my mind, dude, because I've seen, like on a lot of our love reality stuff. There's this video of you getting baptized and then you were in one of my favorite music videos for one of my favorite songs, the made for a music video with Christian, and so I've seen your moves, I've seen your baptism. We have never spoken, but I've heard, uh like I don't think I know you're like the complete in and outs of your story or I just maybe just have a general view, but man, I'm super excited uh to have you on and to hear the story. Man, where, where would you say it starts? Where? Where are you going to take us back to in the michael, in the michael shannon story?

Speaker 2: 3:12

yo, let's start with that night, like, let's just start there, because I think that was the craziest moment that I've had in my whole life. I've had a lot of crazy moments, but that one was just. When I think about it, I just want to cry, because it's like I've never had a moment where I was so vulnerable and that change was just so instant. Um, yeah, so, uh. I'll give you a little bit of um what happened.

Speaker 2: 3:54

So, november 15th of 2019 uh, I was gonna commit suicide oh man yeah, I quit my job, telling everybody I was gonna move to california become an actor. And uh, it was a lie. And um, it was crazy because not even my best friend knew, nobody knew, family members didn't know. That was the last day. It was marked for me. I was like this is the day I'm gonna go and um. So my best friend hits me up randomly. He's like, hey, I'm gonna go to this thing called love reality. You should come with me. And I'm like, okay, yeah, we'll go. I didn't tell him, but I was like this is my last night. Anyways, I'm just gonna appease him, hang out with my best friend and then dip out.

Speaker 2: 4:43

Uh, yeah, so that night, uh, he actually you know I'm in and um, just just real quick, at that time I was identifying as a gay man and I was identifying with everything that was brought to the table that I thought was good, and nothing that, nothing that was in my heart at the time was keeping me alive. Every, every, every word that was being spoken to me, spoken into me, was um, one ear and not the other and just dying. So like when someone would try to hype me up and give me life, I wasn't receiving it, and a lot of that had to do with, uh, my belief. So the reason why I brought that up was because what I'm about to say is, like when I went into love reality and I went to listen to jonathan uh, jonathan speak um, I came with the mindset like I'm gonna go, I'm gonna listen and it's gonna to die anyways.

Speaker 2: 5:59

So when I went and I was, oh, sorry, let me, let me bring this up, because I, this is, this is noteworthy, so I'm getting ready to go, I have my best, get on, I look, fly, I'm getting ready to like, uh, go to love reality. And then I'm going to go to the club after, and then this after, that's gonna happen. And so, um, my best friend texts me as I'm driving there hey, I'm not gonna be able to make it. What am I doing? Yeah, so I'm driving 45 minutes to go meet this kid out in the middle of nowhere I've never been. And, uh, he texts me as I'm going hey, I'm not showing up, and I'm like I'm going because of you. And so I get there. I see, hui. I'm like, hey, hui, what's up? You know, I know them from the dance scene. Uh, I was a b-boy growing up, for you know, I know them from the dance scene. I was a B-boy growing up. For those that don't know, I've been dancing since I was like, really, really little.

Speaker 1: 7:06

My dad was a B-boy and for those who don't know a B-boy is just a breakdancer, or educate them.

Speaker 2: 7:14

So a B-boy is a boy who breakdances, a B-girl is, a is a boy who break dances, a b girl is a girl who break dances. So it's like it's short terminology to uh reference like the younger generation or just like, uh, that demographic um, but yeah, so I was identified as b boy, uh, uh and so yeah, so you know, I'm coming in. I see the dance scene there. I'm like, oh, shoot it's we. Oh, shoot it's bb. Oh, shoot it's uh josh. Yeah, so you know I'm coming in. I see the dance scene there. I'm like, oh, shoot it's we. Oh, shoot it's bb. Oh, shoot it's uh joshua. Cool, you know, I know some people here, all right, so, uh, we know, I kind of just sit down there because I got a little.

Speaker 2: 7:50

I got there a little late, I believe, and jonathan's speaking and he's talking about the old testament and, uh, he's breaking um, breaking down, walking into the house and then coming out of the house, the church or the tabernacle I can't remember exactly what he was saying and he's like when you enter you, can't you, you leave out a different door and you're not the same. And I'm like, oh yeah, I know about this. I grew up in church and so I was like, oh man, jonathan, what he's saying is is like true, like it's all knowledge. I know this. Okay, he's not lying. Here is what I'm getting at, and so I'm just listening to him. But then he asked a question that kind of hit me different, and it was what's your relationship to sin? Which is like it hit me different because no one's ever asked me that and growing up in church and with how my family was talking about Christ, was you're still a sinner after knowing Christ? And I believe that. So I was like, okay, well, I'm still a sinner, I'm going to do sinner things. Then you know what I mean, and so that's what I grew up learning.

Speaker 2: 9:13

But when he asked that question, it challenged that thought process for me. So I sat there in my seat and I was like kind of pondering the thought. I was like, oh, okay, that's, that's different. I didn't really know how to interpret it very well for myself because of my belief system that I had built up for a while, like like God was here, not here, like stuck in the, stuck in the brain, it was consistently being reasoned with, but it wasn't being planted. And so, you know, I heard him speak. He was dope, like everything he had to say. It was really awesome to hear really loving guy when I met him.

Speaker 2: 9:58

And uh, right as I'm about to leave, he's like uh, hey, I can't let you leave. And I was like in my head I said this I was like who are you to tell me I can't leave? Like like I got hostile real quick on the inside. And he, uh, he's like no, I can't let you leave. And I'm like, okay, he's like starts asking me questions. He's like how are you doing? Uh, what's going on in life? Uh, you know, just starts, starts berating me with, like like common questions.

Speaker 2: 10:36

But then he asked this one question that just totally hit different and made me cry. He asked me what my relationship to my parents was, and I was yeah, you hit something there, brother. So he, he, he kind of like opened up my heart a little bit with that question, cause I was at this point like I'm thinking suicide and I'm looking for someone to save me from what I'm about to do, subconsciously or just I don't know. I just knew it was. I was looking for something. I knew I was in my heart, but in my head I was like this is what I'm going to go do. And uh, when he said that, it opened up my heart a lot and I just started bawling I don't even know why, just my my eyes. I just started crying. And he's like hey, do you want to go in the back room? He was like concerned for me. You want to go in the back room? We can go talk to the back. I was like, yeah, let's go. Okay, so we go in the back, we start talking and he's like.

Speaker 2: 11:40

He's like do you not believe you not worthy of love? I don't believe I am. And a lot of that came from. My parents were my idols. You know. They got divorced when I was around 16 or 17. No 20. They got divorced and I was like, if they can't make it, I can't make it Right. So, like they were my idols, they were my teachers.

Speaker 2: 12:14

And when he asked me that questions like all my feelings reference them Because I didn't. My version of love was like get a, get in a marriage, be committed to that one person, try to make it work no matter what. And when I saw them get a divorce, I was like that's me, like I'm not, that's not going to work for me. And so when he asked me that question, like all my feelings for my family members just kind of, just kind of came out, like my culture, my what I grew up with, and I started crying. And then he's like he said this. He's like didn't even say anything, I'm just crying, talking. And then he says do you want to lay it down tonight? And I was like yeah, what do you mean? He's like you want to get baptized? I was like yeah, let's do it. And he's like okay, hold on, hold on. So he, he runs out. And he runs out because it's I don't know what he's gonna go do, he just runs out. He's like hold on, stay here, I'm gonna go ask a question. I was like okay, so I'm sitting there crying.

Speaker 2: 13:25

Joshua comes in and joshua's like bro, you're not gonna believe this, the holy spirit told me three times to not come in here and then said go. And these two literally went like this in the door, like didn't skip a beat, like the timing was perfect and they weren't talking to each other because we wasn't on his phone. That's the crazy part. So it was like. It was like okay, this is weird, am I mic'd up? And so josh comes in and he's like you're not gonna believe this, but I struggled with depression and suicide and god freed me from it.

Speaker 2: 14:02

And I'm just like I start crying again because I'm like, okay, I know this guy, he struggles with I struggle, and he's talking and he's like speaking love into me and I'm just like, okay, when does this stop? Like I'm crying, I don't cry, I don't like crying. And so I'm in this back room bawling my eyes out who. He comes in and he says oh, you're not gonna believe this, someone was supposed to get baptized this morning, but they never showed up. And the pool is hot, it's for you. And I'm like all right, let's do it, let's go. So we go home. And, um, no, we, I don't have clothes. So they helped me out with some clothes.

Speaker 2: 14:46

And you know, one of the crazy parts is like when I'm walking in the back to go change, everybody starts singing.

Speaker 2: 14:56

But the church sounds packed from where I'm at, and I know because before I walked in there there was maybe less than 12 people Maybe, and so it just sounds loud. I don't know if it's the acoustics or anything, but the sound was beautiful and I was like okay, this is different, started changing, got out got baptized. But when I came up, um, I I felt and I knew that I like this pressure was left. And when I got out of the pool and I changed again and I walked in back into the sanctuary where everybody was hanging out at A couple of things that I took from that that I really enjoyed that. I never heard other believers speak this way, but when I went out there and they were talking to me, they acted like they never knew me, like literally they were saying hi, I knew you, I don't even know you. I got to re-get to know you and the people who didn't know me treated me as such and that was different and so hold on.

Speaker 1: 16:16

They were saying this is it like treating you like you were a completely new person? Is what you're saying? Yeah?

Speaker 2: 16:21

yeah, yeah, which was different because, like when I got baptized the first time, when I was really little and I was doing it because other people were doing it, not because I knew People treated me like a sinner, like as if nothing had ever changed. I'm still the person that went into the pool and out of the pool and I think that was life changing to me, because not only did they set me up for success in Christ, but also, um, it just made me know God's love even more through them, like I truly believe that the Holy spirit was speaking through them. When they were talking to me and when we were in the circle and they were speaking life into me, one of the guys cracked a joke and I thought it was. It was up my alley for humor. He's like do you hear that pool draining? In the background, and I was like yeah. And he's like that's old you being washed away. Oh, sorry, sorry, I have like this feature. It like gets really in your face.

Speaker 1: 17:39

That's awesome, yeah you're like that's old you getting washed away yeah, and I was okay.

Speaker 2: 17:47

This is it. By the way, I never committed suicide that night.

Speaker 1: 17:53

I like your humor. Your humor is up my alley.

Speaker 2: 17:58

But also another thing is that next morning I knew something was different because when I woke up there was like a presence that I had never understood before. That was with me and I still commune with that presence today. And when I moved to California and I actually did it which was surprising, which I didn't have the finances for, and I still did it I knew that I was walking with that presence that was instilled with me that day and with what love reality spoke into me that night really changed my life. I don't know where to go from here.

Speaker 1: 18:51

So let me ask you this question um yeah, did you at some point in the night make a decision like, oh, I'm not gonna kill myself? Or did that just leave your mind? Like I guess I guess this is what's happening now, like I guess I'm new, a new person?

Speaker 2: 19:07

gone. I wasn't even thinking about it, like I've completely forgot about it, and it wasn't uh, it wasn't like I didn't even get a reminder that night. You know, thinking back, like you asking that question and making me think back is like, yeah, I can't remember. I can't recall bringing that back up later that night because like right after I left, kind of like hung out with the guys for a little bit and then went home and just went straight to bed like there was no contemplation, never went to the club, didn't even consider it, just went straight straight to rest, went to go lay down and just rested for the rest of the night so do you mind talking to me about what led like the lies and the life that led up to this night, and considering this idea of hurting yourself?

Speaker 2: 20:05

Yes, so okay, so I want. I believe it started at the age of nine. At the age of nine I got introduced to pornography really young age, and I think right there it it really distorted my understanding of, of, distorted my understanding of, uh, of just love and sex and the whole identity of it, because my parents never really they didn't educate me so much. They expected the other people from the church to educate me, and so, you know, I grew up with this perversion that was instilled in me in a really young age and I thought it was OK. And so I'm growing up, I'm, I'm in a hole, I'm being left alone at the same time. So, like I was, I've been a gamer since I was really little and so I was left alone and the computer was open for me to search up whatever I wanted. So that's where I got my education and I was by myself a lot, and so my parents fought a lot. So they were too focused on each other to even have a conversation with me. They were, you know, go to put your church clothes on on sunday and then, uh, monday, through, saturday, it's, it's bicker, it's fight, it's.

Speaker 2: 21:31

It was, uh, it was a tough household.

Speaker 2: 21:33

I know my parents meant well and they they tried their best to uh keep me fed and have clothes on my back and have a roof over my head, um, uh, but like that was kind of the uh, the household that was brought up, and there was a lot of anger, there was a lot of frustration, communication was terrible.

Speaker 2: 21:58

Um so, and then, like, moving forward, I got a little bit older, I got my first girlfriend and the first thing I I thought I should be doing is having sex with this woman and, uh, fulfilling the fantasies that I had from online pornography, and so that was a huge part of that was it was like it was filtered in with commitment somehow, like it, somehow it got tied in there and, uh, so my first girlfriend I got, um, the only thing I could think about was sexual fantasy, sexual fantasies. And then, uh, when she on me, um, I was like, oh, uh, I, I guess girls aren't for me, because I was so hurt. I was like, oh, this, this, okay, girls aren't loyal, right, and I'm listening to a lot of music that's influencing that kind of conversation.

Speaker 2: 23:02

it was rap, a lot of rap, uh, and 90s R&B. 90s R&B is a lie.

Speaker 1: 23:12

What do you say? 90s R&B? I think Boyz II Men, You're much younger than I am. What are you thinking? What's 90s R&B to you?

Speaker 2: 23:19

I'm thinking Usher Right. Yeah yeah, yeah. So I'm thinking Usher, maybe some T-Pain. Okay. You know his early stuff. Oh gosh, I don't think Chris Brown's 90s, I think he's more 2000s, he's a little later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like you know that kind of stuff and I know there was a little of the messages that were in there were influencing me a lot I'm sure and so um yeah, so I got my first girlfriend how old were?

Speaker 3: 23:52

you when your first girlfriend 19? I was 19 oh okay, that's better than I thought it was gonna be.

Speaker 1: 23:59

I'm like you're like nine and you're like and I got my first girlfriend and I'm like I hope he's not 12 and like this okay no, I, I was 19, uh, I did not know how to conduct a relationship.

Speaker 2: 24:12

I'll tell you that, um 19, so three years together, she cheated on me every year and I was like I'm done, got another girlfriend right after that, didn't know how to heal, uh, still living the same, same life, same methods, um, you know, and then this girlfriend starts hitting me and I'm like, oh no, I got to get out of this relationship or I'm going to prison, cause, you know, I grew up in a household where it's like, you know, there was a bit of an aggressiveness, like there was hands thrown and uh, it was aggressiveness, like there was hands thrown and uh, it was, it was wild. And so I was like I knew better, I was like I suck, so I'm gonna get out of this relationship right now, before I go to prison. So I think that was around 21 and then after that, and you're dancing this whole time.

Speaker 1: 25:02

Right, you're like dancing? Oh yeah, is that your thing?

Speaker 2: 25:06

it was. My lower back hurts now so I don't. I don't do it anymore currently. No, um, but yeah, sorry, yeah, I was, uh, I was good at two things growing up uh, soccer and, um, break dancing very athletic.

Speaker 2: 25:22

So, uh, going to soccer, uh, I think I can't remember if he was a manager or regional for pepsi, but he wanted to sponsor me to go play soccer and I said no because I chose dance. And so I chose dance and, uh, when I chose dance, I was like, okay, um, this is it, I'm gonna live my life through dance and something about the, the dance community is, uh, it's very feely, like you conduct your relationship with people on how you feel with the music. At least that's what I got it, that's how I interpreted it and so started with break dancing, got into all styles, actually did world of dance with a crew here in Vancouver up in Seattle, and then kind of just did battles here and there across the states. But you know, dance was kind of my escape for a long time. It was my, my physical escape for what was going on on the inside, where I just entered turmoil.

Speaker 2: 26:29

Uh, didn't really know how to figure things out. I knew I wasn't an intelligent person at all, so I was, like I felt, very dumb, and so I I believe that, like dance was my way of interpreting my feelings, my understandings, um. The thing with dance, though, is it is it's surrounded by a lot of sex that a lot of people don't like to talk about. There's a lot of sexualisms in it, and there's many different forms that other people identify in it.

Speaker 1: 27:01

Why do you think people don't want to talk about it?

Speaker 2: 27:04

I think people don't want to talk about it because I'll tell you why I didn't want to talk about it. I'll start with me. I think I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't know how to. I think the feelings on the inside I didn't know how to interpret, and that when I did interpret them, they were always they didn't come out right. And so I think also that there's a lot of childlike mentalities that get perverted in the dance communities.

Speaker 2: 27:37

I think, like, when I came in, I came in with the identity of, like you know, this is, this is pure to me, this is clean.

Speaker 2: 27:44

But then when you get a sense of fame with dance, then then you start to see what you can get away with.

Speaker 2: 27:51

Then it, then you start to see what you can get away with, and so I found that happening a lot, at least with myself. When, when I got a hint of fame and you know, I saw people that were pleasing to the eye and how they would gawk to me, I was like, I was like, oh okay, all right, cool, let's fill you out, let's see what happens, and like, like you communicate in such a physical way, I guess it just really leads to uh, something, something I tell my wife is you know, when you, when you hang out with someone for a long time, you start to attract to them, and if you don't have any boundaries or limits, then most always it leads to some sort of sex or some sort of version of that, or intimacy. And so for me, I was looking for intimacy, and in dance I could find intimacy there. Now, if I were having a conversation with somebody and dance wasn't involved, I knew for a fact I wasn't going to get intimate with anybody, because I'm not good at talking Like, at least I think so, and so I think in dance there's just a lot of uninterpreted things that people don't want to say with their mouths and that they do it through their bodies instead.

Speaker 1: 29:20

It's almost like a speaking in code, almost. I think this idea of consent and sex has to be so confusing, because you want to be a good person, right, you want to be a good person, right, you want to be moral. But there's also this thing and you would like to enjoy that, and asking if it's okay to do this and that kind of takes the sexiness out of it. And when you're in something called dance, which is super sexy, I'm sure that lines get super blurred, right, yeah yeah, I would say there's confusion.

Speaker 1: 29:56

Yeah, you're right and so then you really can't talk about it like because what if you did go across the line? Or I mean, because it gets super heavy, because sex is super, it's like it, it's an intense thing, it's a real thing. It's not just you're not just playing around, but then if you wanted it, so it leads to that. That's what I'm thinking when I see, like this would be difficult to talk about because that's, it's nuanced and it's very important, but then it's also yeah, how would you talk about it?

Speaker 2: 30:31

yeah, yeah, I would say. This I was just about to say is like there's a lot of like poly happenings, so you would see people dating a different person at the next event. I thought you were dating so and so or, and it seemed like there was this culture of like hookup and breakup in the dance communities. Seemed like there was this culture of like hook up and break up in the dance communities. And there's this one phrase that I would always hear which was confusing to me, and it's love is love that confused me, but people talk so highly of it. It could. It could be anything like I felt.