#173 From Fear to Freedom: Becca Dickerson's Journey of Healing and Spiritual Awakening

How do you transition from a life paralyzed by fear and anxiety to one of spiritual freedom and fulfillment? Join us on this heartfelt episode of the Death to Life podcast as we sit down with Becca Dickerson, a sixth-generation Adventist, who shares her powerful journey of healing through faith in Jesus. Becca opens up about her early struggles with fear, social awkwardness, and the pressure to seek validation from adults. She reveals how immersing herself in scripture and building a personal relationship with Jesus helped her overcome depression, worry, and anxiety, bringing profound transformation into her life.

During her college years, Becca navigated the complexities of maintaining her religious identity amidst social pressures and the challenge of forming meaningful connections. Her story explores intense emotions surrounding relationships, the struggle for authenticity, and the guilt and shame from actions that conflicted with her self-image. Becca's testimony of spiritual awakening offers a deep exploration of how faith can be a guiding light during the most challenging times, reshaping her understanding of the Holy Spirit and deepening her connection with God. From battling chronic health issues to experiencing miraculous moments of spiritual awakening, Becca's journey is a beacon of hope for anyone seeking healing and freedom through faith in Jesus.

Chapters
0:00 - From Fear to Freedom
10:16 - Navigating Relationships and Faith in College
22:28 - Finding Hope Through Supernatural Healing
34:19 - Transformative Spiritual Awakening and Healing
47:41 - Journey to Spiritual Freedom
59:43 - Journey to Spiritual Transformation
1:05:52 - Finding Rest in Jesus
1:16:51 - Embracing Healing and Freedom

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:35

The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.

Speaker 2: 0:58

I had started digging into scripture even more to see just what it said about healing in general, and I compiled this list of scriptures that talked about healing, and so I printed it out and I decided that we were going to eat some normal food. And that was really scary as a mom, first of all because I was going to feed my son some normal food. I had no idea what would happen at this point. So so yeah, we ate it and immediately started reacting to it. I started feeling terrible.

Speaker 2: 1:28

But I had these scriptures printed out and I started speaking them out loud and I was like no, like we are not sick people.

Speaker 1: 1:38

Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with Becca Dickerson and Becca man powerful, powerful story Healing depression, worry, anxiety, all of these things that God has set her free from. I think that you are going to be super blessed by this episode. I am super blessed by this episode, and, yeah, so much life. So buckle up, strap in. This is Becca Dickerson love y'all, love y'all, appreciate y'all.

Speaker 2: 2:26

Okay, becca, where are you from I am. I've lived in Colorado since I was nine. So I was born in Michigan, lived there until I was three and then lived in Maryland until I was nine and my dad he was a pastor back then. I lived in Maryland until I was nine and my dad he was a pastor back then, and then he decided to go into chaplaincy and so he did that and got a job in Colorado and I've pretty much been there ever since, other than college.

Speaker 1: 2:50

So when you're thinking of your story and where it starts, it sounds like your dad's a pastor in the Adventist church. I'm guessing?

Speaker 2: 2:59

Yeah, when would you say your spiritual story starts? Pretty much in the beginning. I am a sixth-generation Adventist, so my great-grandparents and my great-grandparents on my mom's side they were spiritualists and they were converted to Adventism at a tent revival and so I grew up in an Adventist home. It was a good home. My parents were great. I didn't have anything to complain about. I went to Adventist schools pretty much all the way through college, except for a little brief stint with homeschooling.

Speaker 1: 3:40

Yeah, so I grew up very steeped in Adventism. I ask this question all the time who was your God? What was he like growing up in Adventism?

Speaker 2: 3:49

Yeah, I feel like I learned a lot about how to be a good Adventist. I learned my parents never. They never taught me anything legalistic or like all these rules that we had to follow, but I think I picked those up from other places.

Speaker 2: 4:09

So I was like I was baptized when I was 12 and I truly wanted to be baptized. However, I didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I didn't even know what that meant really and I was worried a lot about—I think I heard at a camp meeting. Once in the kids' meeting somebody told us that if we had even one unforgiven sin, then we wouldn't go to heaven. And I remember as a kid lying awake at night trying to think of any sin that I had committed during the day, because what if I woke up—what if I didn't wake up the night or wake up the next morning? So yeah, I remember just some fear and anxiety about that and I hoped that I would go to heaven, but I wasn't really sure.

Speaker 1: 4:53

Yeah, that's a legit fear, because there is literature that says that, with the whole, you have to confess every single sin. So were you sitting there trying to confess everything that you could? You're like I yelled at my sister, or something that you were thinking about all the time.

Speaker 2: 5:12

Yeah, I wouldn't say all the time, but it definitely was in my mind. Some yeah. What if I wasn't good enough? What if I miss one? What if I forget one of the sins and don't confess it?

Speaker 1: 5:25

Yeah, that's a legit fear. So you're growing up, you're 12, you sincerely want to be baptized. You love the Lord for as much as you can love the Lord at 12 years old Sounds like you're a sincere person. What happened?

Speaker 2: 5:42

When I was a kid I was really academic. I was pretty shy and quiet. I was very intense and that will be a big part of my story, just the intensity that. My mom says that even when I was a baby I was intense and I don't know what that means. Even that's pretty much who I've been ever since childhood I had really high standards for myself. My parents never pressured me to be high performing or anything, but I think I pressured myself.

Speaker 2: 6:14

I felt really socially awkward a lot of the years like elementary school, middle school. I felt really socially awkward a lot of the years like elementary school, middle school. I felt really socially awkward and I felt I found a lot of my value in adults finding me special. So since I was so high performing, teachers loved me. I started I was really musical. I started playing violin when I was four. So I'm sure I got like attention and praise or whatever from other adults and so that gave me a lot of validation and my sense of worth, just from, yeah, other adults. But then there was this piece of me that felt really lacking, like I didn't measure up because of the social piece. Yeah, just didn't feel like I fit in. I felt really, even from an early age, really different from other people. That's something I remember feeling when I was like six. But I felt really different from other kids and sometimes I even felt invisible. I literally, when I was young, wondered if I might be invisible because I blended in and I was quiet.

Speaker 1: 7:23

Yeah, what would you say were the main, the differences that you saw Between me and the other kids.

Speaker 2: 7:31

I don't even know it's not. I don't know if it's anything I can tangibly put into words. I just felt different.

Speaker 1: 7:38

Were you not interested in the same things that like, if everyone's interested in like all of these different things like pogs, and you're just like nah, I'm good, I'm not interested. What were you interested? That they weren't?

Speaker 2: 7:51

I don't think it was like different interests really, it was just the way, the way I felt I wasn't really accepted. Just in various friend groups there were just some things that happened that made me feel like, okay, I don't measure up, there must be something wrong with me. That was a pretty deep thought that I think I had most of my childhood. There must be something wrong with me because I don't fit in.

Speaker 1: 8:17

Hmm, so that went into high school, or it just got bigger in high school?

Speaker 2: 8:23

It got definitely bigger in middle school. Middle school was rough.

Speaker 1: 8:29

It's the worst.

Speaker 2: 8:31

Yeah, I don't know if middle school was ever easy for anybody. It definitely was not for me. So I started looking for value in boys in definitely a middle school. I thought that if I could get a boy to like me then that would prove that I had worth.

Speaker 1: 8:50

And yeah, that was people still think this way as adults, by the way. So it's not strange. It's just we're more honest about it in middle school than we are as adults. As adults, it's oh, if I get someone it in middle school than we are as adults. As adults, it's oh, if I get someone to like me, then I can be cool. But we have to hide that In middle school we're just like. I really want them to like me.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Yeah, yeah. So I yeah, there were boys that I liked and they didn't like me back and that was just like a source of angst, I would say. Closer to high school I started having some boyfriends. So then I felt like, okay, now I'm really worth something, or now somebody finally likes me. So high school got a lot better, actually, socially. I had friends. I felt like a normal person.

Speaker 1: 9:33

And yeah, so were you one of these girls that when you were dating right from the beginning it was like a serious relationship.

Speaker 2: 9:43

I don't know what do you mean by serious.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Some girls dated to date and some girls were dating like they had stretches of two year or one year long relationships. There was never any kind of oh we dated for the summer or something like that. It was serious stuff.

Speaker 2: 9:59

Yeah, it wasn't usually serious. There was one long, longer term relationship for a year and a half my senior year. That was really bad and I knew at the time that it was really just a relationship of convenience. Sometimes it's easier to have a relationship, yeah. So that one was not good, but yeah, I felt need. I had this constant need for validation. So, whether it was a long-term one or whether it was just a sling, that that's where I was getting a lot of worth from was having those relationships so when you see go ahead

Speaker 2: 10:37

so I saw myself as a good kid. I didn't want to be rebellious or anything like that. However I was, and there was a lot of stuff that I just rationalized a whole lot in my head because I wanted to be good. But then if I did something that wasn't all that good, then I would just rationalize it away. And there was a lot of pressure from some of these boys to do things that I didn't really want to do but but I felt like I needed to keep them and I think in my mind it was like, okay, if I don't actually have sex, then I'm a good girl, I can still consider myself a good girl. But yeah, there was like a lot of stuff that I just even.

Speaker 1: 11:15

It took me into adulthood to really come to terms with some of the denial that I was in about that I think and I've talked about this on here before when you come from a good family and you are a good kid, those mistakes they seem to land and hit harder. And you look at your buddies who are like doing crazy stuff and they're not dealing with the guilt or the shame that you're dealing with. And, similar to you, mine went deep into marriage until I was like, oh, this is why I'm acting like this. I'm living in, I don't believe I'm forgiven. And when that relationship ended, your senior year relationship because a year and a half that's a long time In that age, you know did the feelings of rejection, or even if you, what kind of, went into that and how did it have you feeling?

Speaker 2: 12:13

There wasn't feelings of rejection because I was the one that ended the relationship.

Speaker 1: 12:17

It was feelings of rejection for him. I rejected him. See you the relationship. It was feelings of rejection for him, I rejected him.

Speaker 2: 12:20

See you, buddy. It was brutal. Like I said, I knew that I was using this person. Just it was a relationship of convenience for me and I knew that it was not something I wanted long term. And yeah, after we graduated, yeah, ended it pretty quickly. It wasn't healthy anyway.

Speaker 2: 12:37

So, yeah, even though I wanted to be, be like, see myself as a good girl, I also didn't want to be too good um, like, because of all the social stuff that I went through, I became very aware of not like how not to stick out in a weird way. Right, I wanted to either blend in or stick out for being awesome, but not stick out for being weird way. Right, I wanted to either blend in or stick out for being awesome, but not stick out for being weird. And I saw some of these people that just seemed really holy and I didn't really get it. I didn't understand what that was about and they just seemed weird to me.

Speaker 2: 13:11

So I was like okay, I want to be a good girl, but I don't want to be like too holy or anything like that, cause those people are weird.

Speaker 1: 13:17

Where'd you go to college? Anything like that, because those people are weird. Where'd you? Go to college I went to union college.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Oh, union college at union college, and I just I don't know why this sticks out the people who were really good. It just is that they showed up to all the vespers and church and dorm worships and all that. You couldn't really tell who, like when you're a kid and I think of a freshman or sophomores in college they're just kids right when you're you, if you're, they're showing up to events you're like, oh, this is a religious person or this might be a good person because they're actually singing for the song service. Are you saying you didn't want to be like them that show up to everything? Oh no, I want to skip a few things.

Speaker 2: 14:00

Oh no, I would never skip. I was too much of a rule follower for that, for sure. Yeah, I would show up to stuff, but I wasn't like I don't know. Some people are just like on fire for god and I was like I, I don't know, I don't get that. I would like that. It sounds maybe good, but I don't even know, I don't know how to get there. I don't know that I want to. It was just, I was confused by them so how did that go?

Speaker 1: 14:25

how did college go?

Speaker 2: 14:28

actually, going back just a little bit, I would say my relationship at that point with God was I went to him if I needed something or if I had a big decision to make. So it wasn't like yeah, it wasn't like I didn't have a relationship with him, I did, it was just yeah, if I needed something I might pray. And one thing that I prayed in the summer before college I remember praying I was. I told him I was tired of playing this, these dating games. I was just tired of random flings and all of that. And so I said I am ready to find the one, which is an interesting prayer to pray when you're 18 years old. But I did like I was ready. I was tired of playing games, I was ready to find the one. And there was this guy that I met at summer camp that summer who worked at Glacier View Ranch, and he was interesting. I was interested in him, but it wasn't like we didn't have, we weren't dating, or anything like that.

Speaker 2: 15:26

And so then I head off to college, to Union College, and most of my friends from high school had gone to different colleges, so I didn't know a whole lot of people there and I had been a pretty shy and quiet person. However, I was like I need to meet people so I'm not just a total loner this whole time here at college. So I, pretty early on, decided at the cafeteria to sit at a random table, just pick a table and meet some people. That was like a big deal for me because I was, like I said, pretty shy. I ended up sitting at the table across from my future husband, aaron, and yeah, he had his sisters there and his friend group from Texas, and so I started hanging out with them and I was interested in him and he was interested in me.

Speaker 2: 16:17

I didn't know that at the time it came to, I think there was a weekend, like a long weekend or something, and a lot of people are going back to Colorado for the long weekend and I had still been talking to this guy a little bit on the phone, the summer camp guy, and so I prayed and I asked God. He was like okay. I said if summer camp guy is somebody that I need to pursue, then help me find a ride home so I can go see him. And if it's not, then if it's Aaron that I need to pursue, then let me not find a ride.

Speaker 2: 16:49

And I thought that was a pretty easy thing. There are lots of people from Colorado. I figured surely I'll be able to find a ride. But I asked a ton of people and nobody would take me, and so I ended up staying there that weekend, and that was the weekend that we started dating, aaron and I so this is like how far into school, like labor day it was October, early October, yeah, our freshman year so you, you start dating right at the first kind of big break, freshman year.

Speaker 2: 17:23

Yeah, and we dated all four years of college. We had big financial reasons to not get married. However, I think we both knew within six months of dating that we were going to get married. So, yeah, he was the one.

Speaker 1: 17:43

Wow, all right, I'm guessing your parents both worked for the church. That was the financial reasons to not get married, so that 70% tuition. Praise God, yeah, exactly yeah, what happened.

Speaker 2: 17:57

So we got married. We went to the union for two years. He was an engineering major, so he had to go somewhere else.

Speaker 1: 18:03

After those first two years we both ended up going to walla walla um I guess it's university now used to be college and yeah, your parents were like yeah, she's going to walla with this guy. They're pretty much going to get married.

Speaker 2: 18:21

Oh yeah, I think everybody knew it was just we just had to wait it out, and I don't. We didn't want to get married and be still be going to school. That didn't sound wise. Plan was just to get through school as fast as possible, graduate and then get married and that's what happened yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, that's what happened. We got married two weeks after graduation. Neither of us had jobs. We lived with his parents for three days.

Speaker 1: 18:50

What was your major?

Speaker 2: 18:52

My major was communications.

Speaker 1: 18:55

So you graduated with a communications degree and he's an engineer. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: 18:59

Yeah, yeah. So I got a job really quickly that I wanted to get out of there wasn't. I love my in-laws. I love my in-laws. However, yeah, starting out marriage in their house was not the greatest thing. So I got a job right away and we moved just to the north side of Denver and, yeah, we just started out doing all the things that you do. You get a job he got an engineering job eventually and just checking off the boxes all the things that you're supposed to do. We worked, we hung out with friends on the weekend, we were really involved in church, helping out various areas of church adulting yeah, adulting, we just did all the things.

Speaker 2: 19:46

But I I wondered I I don't know if I would have been able to actually articulate this back then, but I wondered what the point of it all was. You know, like you, you just check off the boxes, you do the things as they come, you do all the different life stages and then you hope that you go to heaven when you die. It's just, it's like okay, what's the point? Like yeah, we did that, just lived our life before all of that is getting married.

Speaker 1: 20:14

Yes, because if you get married you can have, you can have sex and no one's mad at you. And so then, once that happens, you're like, okay, now, what Now?

Speaker 2: 20:27

what Exactly? Yeah, we waited seven years to have kids and then decided we were ready. It was the next thing.

Speaker 1: 20:37

Seven years.

Speaker 2: 20:38

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:39

That's different. That's a little bit longer than most people.

Speaker 2: 20:43

Well, we were pretty young when I got married. So yeah, my son was born one week before I turned 30, our oldest. And so that was that started the transition to motherhood. Like I had been planning on going back to work part-time After my maternity leave and I ended up not, and so, just yeah, I was a stay-at-home mom after that and I threw myself into motherhood With intensity, just like I did everything else. I wanted to be the best mom ever, do the best job that I could With this job that I was given.

Speaker 1: 21:23

What was the thing that you were reading about or hearing about that was going to make you the best mom? What were you going to do?

Speaker 2: 21:31

We had feeding issues from the beginning. I found out much later that he had a tongue tie and so he wasn't nursing well, and so I tried to figure that out. Had a tongue tie and so he wasn't like nursing well, and so I tried to figure that out. For a long time never, it never really took. And so I started like pumping milk for him and I literally, at some points I was doing it like eight hours a day I just, and I still I was making like a third of what he needed.

Speaker 2: 21:59

But I, I was like this is what I'm talking about, intensity, like I wanted to do the best that I could do for my son and so, yeah, I was spending eight hours a day to try and feed him the best thing that I could feed him and I read tons of parenting books, just all the things. Yeah, I just wanted to be a good mom read tons of parenting books, just all the things.

Speaker 1: 22:23

Yeah, I just wanted to be a good mom At this point. You're in it for a while. What was? How did God feel about you in your mind?

Speaker 2: 22:30

or was that something that crossed your mind? I think it was the same at that point. Just he was there, I had somewhat of a relationship with him, but again, it was when I needed something I would pray. If I was feeling something, I might pray about it. And all of these years it was like a hamster wheel of I would have this spiritual high and then I'd get home and I would be like, okay, I should pray and read my Bible and I'd try to do it for a few days and it'd be just so boring I just couldn't do it and yeah, I'd just fall off the wagon and then I'd start feeling guilty because I wasn't doing what I should be doing. And yeah, it was that cycle over and over.

Speaker 1: 23:18

As you're going into motherhood, you're all in. Were there lies creeping up, or is it just the identity of like motherhood that was taken over?

Speaker 2: 23:29

yeah, there were lies. I wouldn't have been able to identify them then. Much later I was like in counseling and realized one of the lies I had started believing, even before he was born, was that I'm a bad mom. I'd fallen on some ice about six weeks before my due date and, yeah, that established a lie that I'm a bad mom. I should have been more careful. What was I thinking I should have? Yeah, there was a lot of that. Just really high pressure on myself.

Speaker 1: 24:01

Wow. So you just slip and fall and you blame yourself, because you should have known better. Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 2: 24:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:13

How did the counselor get you to see that or unpack that?

Speaker 2: 24:24

get you to see that or unpack that we were. That was much later. I was doing some trauma work on some later births and she said to start at the beginning and so that that came up for him. He was actually born. He was born five weeks early because my water broke and they couldn't stop yeah, they couldn't stop labor, did couldn't stop labor at that point Did your water break right after the fall. No, it was like a week later. So yeah, I definitely at least subconsciously blamed myself for that.

Speaker 1: 24:51

Mercy, yeah, but yeah, you're going into motherhood. Keep going, tell me what happened.

Speaker 2: 24:58

Yeah, when my son was around two years old, things started spiraling down for me. I had always had like some chronic health issues, even when I was a kid and like food sensitivities, but at this point they got worse quite a bit worse and I started noticing that my son was reacting to food as well, and so I went into problem solving mode research. There's a saying that a worried mom does better research than the FBI, and that was definitely.

Speaker 2: 25:28

I mean hours and hours of research and I was just trying to figure this out Went to lots of doctors and practitioners and traditional medicine, alternative medicine, all these protocols, like everything I could come up with to try to fix these issues, and each practitioner would put me through their program and then they would give up and then they would tell me to find somebody else and how that was affecting us. So it was different for both of us. For me, I would have this intense heartburn that just I'd be on the couch not functioning For a while after I ate. I had really bad brain fog, which was that was really frustrating, because one of the things I had always parted myself on was having a really quick brain. I was just being really intelligent and being really quick and I was. It felt like my brain was in molasses like all the time. I just couldn't, I couldn't remember, I couldn't process things very quickly and there was just a lot of inflammation in my whole body, so that sometimes it would be like pain in my body. Sometimes it was always like a really itchy burning rash. Sometimes it was always like a really itchy burning rash and yeah, that's how it was for me and then for my son. It was mostly behavioral.

Speaker 2: 26:46

I realized that there was a difference between his normal self and his food reaction self. So his normal self was like a joy to be around, like I genuinely loved being his mom and it was just great. But when he started reacting to food, it was like he would turn into the opposite. I mean, he was mean, he was defiant, he would try to hurt us. It seemed like he was resistant to spiritual things, which was really interesting. There were times we had to physically restrain him just to keep him from hurting himself or hurting us.

Speaker 2: 27:23

He was really hyper and unfocused and he wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't take naps at all if he was reacting to food and he wouldn't sleep very well at night. He wasn't digesting his food very well at all, so he would have these dirty diapers that were just raw, like pure acid, and it would just make his skin so raw and it would be like bleeding. It was just awful and he wasn't growing very well. Both of us, it seemed like our immune systems were really weak, so we would get like every bug that came along, like every little virus we would get. So we were sick all the time. It wasn't just like certain foods that we were reacting to. It was everything, so it wasn't like I could just take out a few foods from a diet and then we'd be good. And so, after a whole lot of research, I self-diagnosed us with leaky gut syndrome, which is where everything.

Speaker 1: 28:19

That's a thing. That's like the medical term for it Leaky gut syndrome. Yeah, mercy WebMD says I got a leaky gut, yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:28

It's basically where your food is not supposed to go through your intestines as it's being digested. But in our guts it was going through like little bits, little particles were digested. But in our guts it was going through like little bits, little particles were going through, and then our immune systems would react to it like it's, like a foreign invader. And so it was everything that we ate on a regular basis we would start reacting to. Yeah, one of the practitioners that we saw taught us how to test our food before we ate it, and we would know with pretty good accuracy whether or not we could tolerate it or not. And so we did that.

Speaker 2: 28:59

We started doing that, but we were testing all of our food before every meal, and it was different for my son than it was for me, and so then it literally just took over my life trying to figure out what to eat for every meal. I would be cooking a different meal for him and then something for me and then something for aaron, because aaron could eat anything and didn't want to eat weird food. So it was just like all day long, that's all I did, and it was. It was exhausting. It literally just took over did you get resentful?

Speaker 2: 29:36

I don't know that it was. I don't think it was resentful, I just I felt really hopeless. I couldn't see a way out of it. The doctors weren't helping. They, like I said, they would all give up and then send me on to somebody else. Of course I was praying I was praying a lot at this point that God would help me figure out what to do, but that I wasn't hearing anything from Him. And, yeah, I felt really alone. I felt like nobody really understood what I was going through. I felt like a lot of people didn't even believe me, thought that I was just making it up and I really came to the end of myself. I was just overwhelmed and depressed and hopeless. It seemed really unsustainable at that point. And I had been seeing a dietician at that time. I had gone through her whole program and it didn't work again and she asked me to come pray with her.

Speaker 2: 30:41

She was a Christian and she asked me to come pray with her to figure out my next step, basically. And she told me her testimony at that point and she said that she had been supernaturally healed of a similar condition. And I was like that was just a whole new idea for me at that point. I believed that supernatural healing was possible but probably not probable. All I knew about it was that maybe if somebody was like on their deathbed, the elders might go anoint them with oil. But like a last ditch effort, right, like this probably won't work, but we'll try it just to see because this person's about to die. That was really what I thought about supernatural healing.

Speaker 2: 31:25

Talking to somebody who had actually experienced a miracle was just very new, and I remember driving home from that appointment with like feeling hope again for the first time, just a little glimmer of hope. Wow, maybe there's something to this. And so I decided I had nothing to lose by like the research that I was doing. All of my efforts to try to fix it were just making it worse, like it wasn't helping at all, and so I decided to seek God out with my whole heart for the first time, really with intensity. Of course, I did a two-week fast from internet and media and I just prayed, read my Bible, read books, spent time in my closet that was my secret place, but I didn't have the words for it at that time and, yeah, I just dove into seeking God and very quickly he showed up. He was always there. He was always there before, but I really quickly discovered a God who actually saw what I was going through and cared. I discovered a God who would communicate with me in two-way conversations.

Speaker 2: 32:41

That had never happened before. I had never heard God's voice or anything like that other than through circumstances. There's a story in Genesis about Hagar, abraham's servant, and she's running away because Abraham's wife is treating her so terribly. So she's running away and she has this encounter with God and after that encounter she gives him a name and she calls him El Roy, which means the God who sees me. And that story means a lot to me because that is how I felt God actually sees me. It's not just about some eternal salvation someday kind of thing, but he actually sees me right now, in my pain, and he cares. So, yeah, it was a really amazing time and that was the beginning of my true relationship with God. I think he helped me survive some of the health stuff. He led me to a doctor who helped us get some foods back into our diet.

Speaker 2: 33:45

So at least we weren't just losing more and more foods, and it was a rotation. We could maybe get the food back in for a meal or two, and so we just rotate our food. I, right after, shortly after this happened, I remember going to the grocery store once and I prayed as soon as I got there and I was like God, I don't know what to eat, I don't even know where to go, what do I look for? Because I can't eat any of this stuff, please help me. And he showed me a couple of foods that I could actually eat. I hadn't tried in a long time and could actually tolerate pretty well. So that helped. That same grocery store trip I prayed and I said God, it would be really amazing if I could just find a snack that I could eat out of bag and not have to cook for two hours first, because at this point I was making crazy concoctions like I might be able to only tolerate three foods at a time. So wow.

Speaker 2: 34:40

I was making weird stuff like patties out of millet and yellow split peas and walnut oil. I mean.

Speaker 1: 34:50

I don't know what millet is, but I don't want no part of it yeah, it was bad, um, and so, yeah, I just prayed.

Speaker 2: 34:58

I was like I've been through the snack aisle a million times. I know there's nothing here I can eat, but it'd be great if I could just reach into a bag and have a snack food. And so I went to the snack aisle and I found something that I had not seen before and I I could actually eat it. It was made out of like root vegetables, but I could eat it and it was amazing. So like right away I could tell God's here, he cares about me, he's helping me, so yeah.

Speaker 2: 35:27

So, since the dietician had told me about this supernatural healing kind of thing, I started reading some more charismatic kind of books because I wanted to learn about it. And I learned about a new concept to me, the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and I was like what is that? So I googled it baptism of the Holy Spirit. And this is a crazy God thing. The first, literally the first, search result in Google was this Adventist pastor named Dennis Smith, who had written a series of books about the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I later tried to search for the same thing and I could not find him. I went through 20, 30 pages of search results and I couldn't find it anywhere. So it was definitely God leading me to this and so.

Speaker 2: 36:14

I ordered a bunch of his books and started reading. Up to that point all I thought about the Holy Spirit was that was my conscience, like the Holy Spirit was what made me feel guilty if I sinned.

Speaker 1: 36:28

Like that was what I thought, like, I don't really like that guy.

Speaker 2: 36:32

Exactly. I'm so sad, but yeah, that's all I thought. And so, reading these books, it was really different. So he said that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is different from water baptism. And so I started reading in the Bible and I saw, oh yeah, there's some stories and acts where people have been baptized with water in the name of Jesus, but they hadn't received the Holy Spirit yet until the apostles laid hands on them, and then they received the Holy Spirit. So it's like, oh, okay, that does seem like a separate thing. So like, why have I never heard of this before?

Speaker 2: 37:04

And so he said in the books that the benefits, some of the benefits of receiving this baptism would be wanting to read the Bible and pray more, having a deeper repentance for sin, and then changes in your lifestyle or activities. And I was like, okay, that sounds pretty good, that sounds like something I would want. And so I prayed just in my closet one day. I just prayed and I said, god, I'd like this baptism of the Holy Spirit. And nothing crazy happened. Nothing noticeable happened at that moment. But looking back, everything changed at that moment. Wow yeah.

Speaker 2: 37:46

So I did. I started really wanting to pray and read the Bible, and that had never happened before, but I truly desired to do that and to spend time with God. I also I had thought I was a pretty good person before. I was a good girl, right and so there were people who would have, they'd tell their testimony and they'd be like, oh, I'm such a wretched person and I just couldn't relate. Honestly, I was like I don't know, I've never done anything that bad. That's pretty good. But after praying for this, I just realized my need for a savior in a way that I never had before. It wasn't like in a condemning way, but I just realized I was convicted of some stuff.

Speaker 2: 38:27

Oh yeah, I really I need a savior deeply and then my desires for certain entertainment and just some things like that. They just changed without any effort on my part. I had a pretty strong TB addiction before that, and that just it was taken away, and I just I didn't like some of the things that I had done I had been doing before. I didn't even want to anymore. There had always been a lot of rationalization of, oh, this isn't that bad, this can't really affect me, I can handle it, you know. But, yeah, my spirit started feeling grieved at some of the things that I hadn't thought were a big deal before. So I just things just started changing in my heart without any effort.

Speaker 2: 39:14

The main thing, though, was I was on fire for God, so I was like one of those weird people, but I did not care at this point. I didn't care if I was weird, I didn't care how anybody saw me. I was just passionate about spiritual things. I was passionate about God. I wanted to tell everybody, I wanted everybody to experience what I had experienced, and they just looked at me a little bit like I was crazy. At that point, I hadn't really learned how to steward what I had received in a way that people could understand or receive themselves. So I'm sure there's a lot of people who thought I was pretty crazy. But yeah, I was just all in Loved God and yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 1: 39:58

What year was this?

Speaker 2: 40:01

This was 2013.

Speaker 1: 40:03

2013.

Speaker 2: 40:05

So, yeah, just continued growing, learning about spiritual things. Some of the things I learned as I discovered that not every thought that comes to my brain is from me, that a lot of them are external and I don't have to let them land. I learned a lot about spiritual warfare. I learned that the spiritual battles happen in the mind, and I learned how powerful my words are.

Speaker 2: 40:33

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and I realized that some of the things I would say just flippantly, offhandedly, were very negative, and so I started paying attention to just what I was saying and what other people were saying about me or my kids. There were certain things I didn't want to agree with that they were saying. And then in August of that year so all of that, like the beginning of this was probably February of 2013. And then in August, I got to one of the Dennis Smith books that was about deliverance. Deliverance meaning being set free from, like mental, emotional, physical ailments issues, and one thing that I had always questioned throughout all of this was whether it was God's will for us to be sick.

Speaker 2: 41:18

I thought maybe he's just trying to teach us something, maybe he doesn't want to heal us yet, maybe it's not His timing. And I started reading this book and it changed my mind. It pointed out that Jesus never said no to healing anybody. There were people he couldn't heal, but that was because of their unbelief. And then another thing it said was okay, if we truly believe that sickness is God's will, then why would we try to get better, why would we try to go to the doctor or do any of that? Because we'd be going against God's will.

Speaker 2: 41:52

But the biggest thing that changed my mind was I started realizing that in Scripture there's a lot of places where freedom from sin and freedom from sickness are talked about almost in the same breath, like in the same verse. So there's a few of them. Like 1 Peter 2.24, he personally carried our sins in His body on the cross so we could be dead to sin and live for what is right, and by His wounds you are healed. And then, like Psalm 103.3, he forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. And Isaiah 53.5, he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole and he was whipped so we could be healed. I realized there's just all these times where it's tied together freedom from sin, freedom from sickness. It's right there so many times in the Bible. So it seemed to me after looking at that that, okay, freedom from sin happened at the cross and freedom from sickness happened when Jesus was whipped. And we already have both of those provisions. So it's up to us to receive it, like we already have it. We just have to receive it and walk it out. And it's walked out by faith, in the same exact way, which is standing firm on what God says.

Speaker 2: 43:08

Does he say that you're a sinner or does he say that you're a righteous person? Does he say that you're a sick person or does he say that you're healed? What does he say that you're a sick person or does he say that you're healed? What does he say? And then stand on that. So that changed my mind enough that I decided to take him at his word. I had started digging into scripture even more to see just what it said about healing in general, and I compiled this list of scriptures that talked about healing, about healing in general. And I compiled this list of scriptures that talked about healing, and so I printed it out and I decided that we were going to eat some normal food and just take him at his word. And that was really scary as a mom, first of all because I was going to feed my son some normal food. I had no idea what would happen at this point. We had been eating crazy stuff for months. At this point, I had no idea how either of us would react to just normal food.

Speaker 1: 44:03

Do you remember what you ate?

Speaker 2: 44:07

I ate a boxed macaroni and cheese. I've always macaroni and cheese has been my favorite food since I was a kid, and I think for my son I gave him like peanut butter on toast with applesauce. So yeah, we ate it and immediately started reacting to it.

Speaker 2: 44:26

He was going crazy, like it was naptime and he was not sleeping. He was just all the things. I started feeling terrible. But I had these scriptures printed out and I started speaking them out loud and I was like no, we are not sick people. By Jesus' stripes, we are already healed. The Lord forgives all of our sins and heals all of our diseases, including leaky gut syndrome. So we are not accepting this. We are healed.

Speaker 2: 44:52

And I just started declaring out loud and it was like there was a war in my brain. I could almost literally feel these arrows of doubt from the enemy hitting my brain, these voices telling me you're such a bad mom. Like how could you do this? You don't even know what's going to happen to your son, what if something really bad happens to him? And this is all your fault? Just all this, all this stuff coming to my brain. Or like why would you even think that this would work? You've made a terrible mistake.

Speaker 2: 45:22

And so I just kept countering those with scripture. I was like no, this is what God says. He says we're healed and we are. And that kept on for about 20 minutes and all of a sudden he went, went to sleep. My son went to sleep and I the symptoms disappeared for me and I was like what just happened? Oh my goodness. I was like I think it worked. So then the next meal, I was like okay, we're gonna do this again, so we ate normal food. Second meal, and that time it took like maybe 10 minutes and then everything stopped. And then the next meal it was like two minutes and then everything stopped, and then after that we were eating like completely normal food no symptoms, no reactions whatsoever. There's was complete healing.

Speaker 1: 46:15

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 2: 46:17

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 46:18

Go.

Speaker 2: 46:20

Yeah, it was awesome.

Speaker 1: 46:22

That's the kind of thing that will build some faith.

Speaker 2: 46:25

It did. Yeah, unfortunately, the devil was not excited about us being healed and so pretty quickly he started taking a different angle to get at me and so pretty quickly, symptoms would start coming back a little bit. I'd start feeling some stuff, start noticing some symptoms in my son, and I started noticing that sometimes this happened when I sinned. If I sinned then we would start feeling bad again, and so I'd confess it and then we'd start feeling good again. But then like, how do you keep from sinning all the time? I didn't have freedom from sin that message yet, and it felt like our freedom was dependent on my ability to be good.

Speaker 1: 47:15

Not good.

Speaker 2: 47:16

No, it was not good, it was really bad, and so I came under all this condemnation. It got to the point where we'd be feeling terrible and I would be racking my brain trying to figure out what did I do? That was wrong. I cannot think of anything.

Speaker 2: 47:32

I can't think of a single thing that I would have done. That was wrong. But we're feeling bad so I must have done something. It was, yeah, it was really bad. I was just, yeah, so sin conscious and legalistic about it, and that lasted a long time, unfortunately I also I had not learned discernment in hearing God's voice, so I knew that there were certain ways that I heard God's voice, but I didn't realize that the enemy could communicate to me in the same ways and so it seemed, oh, it's always God's voice. That led to a whole lot of deception until I finally realized, oh, I have to learn discernment of who's talking. That was really hard for me because it felt like I was starting all over again in my relationship with God. I didn't know what I could trust from before. I didn't know what was true, and it felt really difficult because, yeah, I felt like I couldn't trust God. I couldn't trust what I was hearing from Him. I couldn't trust God, I couldn't trust what I was hearing from Him. So eventually learned some discernment and how to figure out who was talking and all of that. But yeah, it was just.

Speaker 2: 48:43

It was a hard time, and then I also learned just the difference between conviction and condemnation. I realized that conviction, it's very gentle and kind and it's hey, here's something in your life that maybe we should look at. It's just very gentle, Whereas condemnation, it would attack my identity, it would tell me how bad I am, how wrong I am, and it would bring this shame and guilt that just doesn't go away. And so learning the difference between those two things was big, and so until around probably 2016, 2017, something like that I was just very intensely trying to get back to what I had before. I was like ultra focused on getting our healing to manifest again. I didn't believe that God had taken it away, but I believed that I had lost it, that I wasn't strong enough to keep it, and so I had lost it and I had to figure out how to get it back. Now I believe that it came back, or we lost it. It's not really I didn't ever lose anything, but because I was still seeing myself as a sick person. But intellectually, back then, I knew that we already had the provision for healing, but I was so focused on what I saw or felt in my body and that was what was true to me, and so I was just desperately trying to get those things to go away and, ironically, now I know that desperation was just making it worse.

Speaker 2: 50:20

I affectionately refer to those years as my crazy years, because I had all these formulas of like prayer and quoting scripture and spiritual warfare and even intercession for other people who were sick. So just all these things. I would stay up for days on end praying, like literally not sleeping ever, for days, praying, quoting scripture, all these things. And I think at some point I thought that if I could pray and quote scripture long enough, something would break through and it would manifest again. But it just didn't. And I wasn't relying on my own strength to do this, I was relying on God's strength. But it was just so intense and it was still bondage. It was bondage to spiritual warfare. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2: 51:14

So I did learn a couple couple good things through this. I learned like praise and worship even when things are really hard like that was really good. It was a useful tool. I learned about focusing more on what jesus is doing instead of what the devil is doing. That was really important and, yeah, there were good things that I was learning, but it was just, it was a crazy intense few years there.

Speaker 2: 51:40

It was also. It was just really rough. Life was rough. I had three more children after the first one and they all started exhibiting some of the same kinds of symptoms. We never went back to testing all of our food and restricting our diet and all of that we were just living with the symptoms we were just living with whatever happened.

Speaker 2: 52:02

And there was a lot of mom guilt for me of I can't receive healing and so what is that going to do to my kids' long-term health? My inability to receive for them is going to affect them long-term. So, yeah, I felt lots of guilt, lots of just I was in survival mode. Honestly, I was really overwhelmed, exhausted and just felt really stuck and so after, yeah, probably around 2017, something like that I just gave up on all the spiritual like the spiritual warfare and the praying and all of that. I just gave up and let it be. We just lived with it.

Speaker 2: 52:47

I had tried literally everything I knew how to do spiritually to fix the problem and sometimes it worked. Honestly, it was a roller coaster because we'd have these huge victories where we would see dramatic supernatural healing and then sometimes we wouldn't. And, yeah, it felt like I was on this roller coaster all the time and I actually had a lot of victories when praying for other people. I believed at some point that God had given me the spiritual gift of healing and so I would pray for other people who were sick. I saw a woman with her hearing restored. She was mostly deaf. I saw autoimmune diseases disappear. I saw a lot of victory in other people's lives, and so I actually had a lot of faith when it came to praying for other people, but I didn't have faith for myself or for my kids. It was like everybody else can receive this but I can't.

Speaker 2: 53:45

And, yeah, when I basically gave up, I decided to go back to just all the research, trying to find a way to fix this in a natural sort of way, whether it was a medicine or a supplement or whatever and I learned a lot actually in those years of research. I learned a lot that's valuable for where I am now. And even in those years of doubt, god was there, he was leading me, he was teaching me. So, yeah, that takes me up to February of 2020. And that is when Love Reality Tour came to our church. It was advertised as a youth rally, so I didn't. I wasn't excited about that, so I didn't go. I actually I didn't know anything about Love Reality and I was like that's, I don't need to go hang out with a bunch of youth, so I'll just stay home.

Speaker 2: 54:41

So a week later, like the last day, I think, that Love Reality was there, I was at church and my friend Cheryl came to see me and she was glowing, like almost literally glowing, like I had never seen anything like it, and she was like I got it. And I was like what she's like? I finally got it. And so, to backtrack just a little bit, a few years before that I had started teaching a class at that church about the Holy Spirit and her husband, kevin, had been in my class. It had been a really good class, but I wasn't really sure where they were at. With all of that was this whole Holy Spirit thing. So she's like I got the Holy Spirit. I was like, wait, tell me more. So I won't tell her story.

Speaker 2: 55:34

But I realized, oh, these people, this love reality stuff. They're Spirit-filled Adventists. I was like this is amazing, people actually believe in the holy spirit and they're adventists. It was, yeah, it was crazy. So I went to talk to jonathan um that day and I just I kind of shared briefly about like how I'd been feeling like I was stuck behind this just mountain of doubt. Like Like I was just stuck there and I couldn't move past it and I prayed and prayed, and prayed and it wasn't nothing was moving it. And he just said he was like that's weird, because you're not a doubtful person. And I was like what? And so he opens his Bible to Ephesians 1 and he's yeah, see, like you've been given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, and that includes faith. I was like what? Like it didn't really I didn't know what to make of it at that time.

Speaker 1: 56:26

Then why am I not being faithful, bro?

Speaker 2: 56:27

Yeah, exactly. Really. If I'm not doubtful, then why am I being doubtful? Yeah, that was right before COVID hit.

Speaker 1: 56:39

I remember.

Speaker 2: 56:40

Yeah. So you guys started doing lots of Zoom weaves and I was there for all of them like the first five at least, I would say we were. Just we were really into it. And then I got involved in the Bible studies eventually.

Speaker 1: 56:57

What was the first things that were being unlocked or that you were seeing differently?

Speaker 2: 57:01

The first thing that I remember really hitting me was Jonathan was talking about Adam 1 and Adam 2. And it just hit me all of a sudden. He was talking about how sin came into the world because of Adam and that I was born with the propensity to sin because I inherited it from Adam. And I remember thinking, wait, so it's not my fault and yes, my sins are my fault, but no, the propensity to even do that like I inherited that from Adam. It was like, oh, I'm not like a dirty rotten sinner, it's not that I'm just really bad at behaving. It was like, oh, I'm not like a dirty rotten sinner, it's not that I'm just really bad at behaving, it's that I inherited this propensity to sin. Yeah, that's one of the biggest things.

Speaker 2: 57:48

I remember hitting me at that time, A lot of it. It wasn't a dramatic transformation Some of the people's stories after hearing gospel. It wasn't a dramatic thing I had already had a dramatic transformation before but it was like, layer upon layer, of understanding my identity in Christ and getting freedom from a lot of things.

Speaker 1: 58:11

All right, we're going to take a quick break and I'm going to bring out my brother, joshua Bonifacio. Joshua, what's up today, man? How you doing? I'm doing all right, rich. How long have you been? What's up today, man? How you doing? I'm doing all right, rich. How long have you been rocking with the gospel man? How long has it been?

Speaker 4: 58:27

I say that I officially kind of found Jesus when about 2018, 2017.

Speaker 1: 58:34

2017, 2018. What has that done in changing your life or what has it done for your life? What has that done in?

Speaker 4: 58:41

changing your life, or what has it done for your life, man? It's taught me that it's okay to go through what I go through so I can come out on the other side better. Through Jesus, it has led me to a loving community and it has brought peace and love in a way that I did not have before.

Speaker 1: 58:59

Man praise God. You've dedicated time, money, energy to keep the gospel moving forward. Why is that important to you that this gospel moves forward?

Speaker 4: 59:10

Because I know what it was like before I found the gospel and I know people personally who are still going through it and you really don't know what it's like to really be loved, uh, in a way that Jesus loves until it happens to you. And it has brought again, like I said, so much peace and love to me that I I cannot wait to keep pushing this and see other people figure it out, what it's like to be on the other side.

Speaker 1: 59:43

Wow, if you guys want to partner with us, you know you can go to loverealityorg slash give. That's loverealityorg slash give, and every dollar you donate goes to further this message. We want it to get out there. We believe that if we keep preaching it, we're always going to have podcast guests. We're always going to be preaching this truth. So partner with us, loverealityorg slash give. Thanks a lot, josh. Appreciate you, man. No problem.

Speaker 2: 1:00:11

Yeah, so some of the things, it was just like it felt like Holy Spirit was peeling back layers, so there was like freedom from needing to feel special. That was a big thing, wanting to feel special.

Speaker 1: 1:00:25

How did that lie reveal itself? And then you grab on to truth with that.

Speaker 2: 1:00:32

A lot of these things were just realizing that my value isn't in what other people think about me. It's about I'm a daughter and I'm loved perfectly. And freedom from needing affirmation, freedom from needing to be loved in a certain way All of these things. It was just a lot of realizing who I am, that I already have all the love that I need and I don't need to worry about what other people think. There's a few freedom stories that I'll highlight One of them. So I had this huge trigger that was, I felt like I needed to be understood and so actually, when I was attending a lot of those Bible studies, I was in a lot of anxiety because sometimes I'd say something, I'd share something, and I'd feel like it didn't really land the way I wanted it to or people weren't really understanding what I was saying or trying to say, and it was just very. It was making me feel some certain sort of way. And one weekend there was about a year where it felt like the Holy Spirit was surfacing stuff. He would bring stuff to the surface and it was like once a week or something he was bringing something out. But there was this one weekend and I was misunderstood like three times in a row and I had been communicating with Eddie a lot in the beginning, just when I had questions like how do I walk this out, that kind of thing. And so the third time I was misunderstood. It was Eddie that misunderstood me and I was just so triggered after all of that. So I'm just really upset. I'm like crying, I'm angry, all these things. And he texts me and he's like can we FaceTime? And I'm like, no, I'm not in any condition to FaceTime right now. No, and he calls me anyway. Do I answer this? No, I told you I'm not ready, I don't want to talk to you right now. But I finally answered and I'm just like, I'm sobbing, I'm like a mess and he's just completely unfazed and spirit gave me freedom. In that conversation I realized that I had been putting a lot of high value on my thoughts and my words, and so if I actually spoke them out loud to people, it was like that was a big deal for me. I put a high value on this kind of offering of what I was sharing and if they didn't receive that in the way that I intended, then it felt like they couldn't see my value, like they didn't see my value as a person and I wanted to be known Like I've always had a lot going on in my head. I wanted to be known and understood and loved. And I finally realized that God, he sees me, he knows all the things that are going on in my head and he loves me perfectly. And I don realized that God, he sees me, he knows all the things that are going on in my head and he loves me perfectly and I don't need to have that validation or the affirmation from other people. So that was, yeah, that was a big one.

Speaker 2: 1:03:32

There was another thing where I was living in a lot of suspicion I was being pretty critical of.

Speaker 2: 1:03:41

I've always been critical of myself, but I was critical of others and I was fearful. I didn't want to be led astray by anybody I didn't want, so I didn't want to associate much with people who didn't believe what I believed, because I thought I might get corrupted somehow, yeah. So I finally realized that was not allowing me to love people the way that God loves them and that if I'm walking in the Spirit, he's got me. He's not going to let me accidentally fall away, accidentally get deceived, and I can trust Him to keep me where I need to be and to show me truth and show me deception, and that I can just be free to love people, no matter what they believe or where they're at in their journey. So that was another big thing. And then there was a theme, just in general, of pride, lots of pride. I've been told by somebody that they think I have the spiritual gift of knowledge, which I didn't know was even a thing. But I thought that I had the answer for everyone.

Speaker 2: 1:04:48

So, whatever somebody was going through, I thought I knew the answer for them, not just the answer for me, but the answer for them. And so Spirit had to teach me. I don't actually know everything, and so Spirit had to teach me I don't actually know everything and to just chill out a whole lot, especially when it comes to other people and their journeys, and to just trust him and follow his leading. I would try to manipulate situations, especially when it came to the freedom of people close to me. I would try to manipulate, want to orchestrate situations so they could get free or whatever, and I just had to realize, no, like everybody has their own journey, it's not going to look like mine and I can just trust God to do what he needs to do.

Speaker 1: 1:05:31

Do you find yourself not doing the things that you used to do and being like, oh, that used to wreck me or that used to, I would have totally done this, and now you're just moving in peace.

Speaker 2: 1:05:42

Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah, I'm way different In general, just a lot more grounded and peaceful. There was another huge revelation related to control. So, again, I was in overwhelmed mom mode a lot of these years and I had this picture of myself of juggling a whole lot of balls in the air, trying to keep a bunch of balls in the air and dropping a whole lot of them. I even have a clip art picture on my phone that I had found in those years, because it was just such a strong mental picture. This is me and this is my life. This is my reality.

Speaker 2: 1:06:24

And so I was in the secret place one day and I heard Spirit telling me to just let go. And I'm thinking about this picture and I see myself trying to keep all these balls in the air and I just let them all fall to the floor and I kept my hands up. But I kept my hands up to God. And then he started picking up the balls, one at a time, whichever one needed to be in the air, and he would suspend it in the air between my hands and his. But he was. Yeah, I gave him control of all those things and, yeah, that was a big thing. I started trusting him to bring things to mind, to my memory that needed to be there, or to schedule my day or things like that the things that I felt like I was failing I just trusted him with. So that was a big thing. I was just learning how to trust.

Speaker 2: 1:07:26

So then, going back to the health stuff, after I got connected with Love Reality, I had that new knowledge of oh, I'm not a doubtful person. However, I was just so tired from those years of fighting the spiritual warfare stuff with everything I had in me that I didn't feel like I had it in me to start over again, and so it just felt easier for a while to just continue living with the symptoms and continue the research and all of that. It just felt easier for quite a while, and so a couple of years ago I started learning about some people that are overcoming chronic symptoms through what they call brain rewiring. It's basically renewing your mind to truth. I'm a life coach now, and so I started doing these trainings with these secular coaches and practitioners and stuff, and I realized what they're teaching is basically biblical concepts.

Speaker 2: 1:08:24

They're teaching that chronic symptoms happen because your brain is living in fear, and I did not used to think that I was a fearful person. Actually, fearful people really annoyed me, people who were really overly worried. It just annoyed me. But I started realizing, oh, I have been living in fear most of my life and I just hid it really well, even from myself. And yeah, these practitioners they're saying they're like teaching you how to basically renew your mind, to not live in fear anymore, focusing on the good things that your body is doing instead of whatever symptoms you're feeling.

Speaker 2: 1:09:01

Not researching and being in problem-solving mode, like that actually teaches your brain that you're in danger or that there's something wrong with you. Not putting, not living with intensity and pressure like these, this high pressure stuff that I was putting on myself, not believing that you're lacking something and just believing that you're already a whole healthy person and seeing yourself as a healthy person already, no matter what your body is telling you. So there was just so much that was in line with what I've learned spiritually already. I actually believe now that sanctification learned spiritually already. I actually believe now that sanctification it's coming into belief about who you already are at a heart level, that level of belief.

Speaker 2: 1:09:52

And so I started putting a lot of this stuff into practice, just letting the spirit heal a lot of those patterns, those brain patterns that have been so ingrained for most of my life. And, interestingly enough, as I've started putting those things into practice, the physical symptoms have gotten a lot better. So, as I live in peace and gratitude and joy and the fruit of the Spirit, my body is agreeing with truth and so, yeah, just letting Him heal perfectionism and all of these things pressure and control and anxiety my physical body feels a lot better. So there's one more huge breakthrough, and this is very recent, probably a couple months ago.

Speaker 2: 1:10:49

So for years and years I had felt I had been feeling like if there was a pipe between me and God, that it was pretty clogged up, little drips were getting through, but it felt like there was something in the way, because I remembered what it was like in the beginning with the Holy Spirit.

Speaker 2: 1:11:09

I remembered what it felt like to walk in the Spirit, to see crazy things happening, to see myself reacting in ways that were clearly not natural, that were definitely Him.

Speaker 2: 1:11:16

I just saw evidence around me of the Spirit and in those middle years I stopped seeing a lot of that, and so I decided that I must not be walking in the Spirit anymore, or not very well, anyway not like I used to be and so I was trying desperately to figure out how to get back to that. And I could not figure it out. So a couple months ago I started reading the book If Jesus Loves Me, then why Isn't this Working? Finally started reading that, and near the end it talks about how we are a container for Jesus and he lives His life through us. And I realized if I pictured where Jesus is, if I thought where is Jesus right now In my mind he would be somewhere near me, probably even close to me. But I realized after reading this no, it's a different picture. I started picturing him superimposed on me. He's in me, so it's his hands and his mouth and his legs living this life through me.

Speaker 2: 1:12:19

He's in me, so it's His hands and His mouth and His legs living this life through me when I give Him the permission to do that, and then if I act in a way that's contrary to who he is I just forgot for a minute and I took over but that it's Him living this life and the book. It said that I already have all of Jesus. I hear Him clearly, I walk in Him. I can't get more of Him because I already have all that I could ever have. And it was like just believe it, Just believe that you have it. And it said that we have two jobs. One is to just have the awareness of Jesus in us, and then the second job is to affirm the reality of him living in us so that we are free that we are healthy, that we are whole, all of those things.

Speaker 2: 1:13:10

To just keep affirming that. And as we continue to affirm that, the Spirit confirms it in us and it starts manifesting outside of us. It in us and it starts manifesting outside of us. So we really just keep our attention on Jesus instead of all the problems or the lack that we think we have. And this verse came to mind after I read that Hebrews 11, 1, which says Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. And I realized that I had been looking for evidence all of these years. I had been looking in my body for evidence that I was healed and I had been looking for evidence of the Spirit to tell me whether I was walking in the Spirit or not. But that's not faith, that's unbelief, that's double-mindedness. Faith is assurance and conviction that I already have what I think I need. I already have these things and I don't need to see the evidence first.

Speaker 2: 1:14:17

The biggest transformation I think for me is going from a life of intensity and striving and trying to get these things that I thought I needed to, just resting in Jesus, letting him live his life through me. He hears God perfectly, he walks in the Spirit perfectly. He provides for himself perfectly. He eradicated sickness and disease and so I get to just rest in this finished work that he's already done. In Him I'm healed, I'm set free from fear and anxiety, pride and finding value in other people and how they see me. I have everything I need and I am perfectly loved through him. That's the biggest. The biggest freedom, I think, is just coming to a place of rest.

Speaker 1: 1:15:13

If we're going to go back and we're going to see Becca doing the whole FBI research and you can feel the fear coming off this lady and you get to put. I just pictured you in a library when you were telling that story. This was all these books around you and the laptop open and you're just like trying to figure it out and you get to come down. And you get to come down and you get to sit at the table with her across from her. Just stop her for a second. How would you encourage her?

Speaker 2: 1:15:52

I would say you can just rest, you can take a break. You stop, because you already have what you're looking for the thing, the answer and the solution that you're looking for. You already have it. It's in Jesus. So just stop trying to get it, stop trying to find it and just rest. Jesus will do the heavy lifting for you. He's going to, he will take it from here If you let him, just trust him and just rest. You don't have to keep striving. You don't have to keep trying to make everything happen and putting the weight of the world on your shoulders. You already have it. And putting the weight of the world on your shoulders, you already have it.

Speaker 1: 1:16:42

You know this has been such a huge blessing to me to hear your heart. I just feel super encouraged by your testimony. I think the things about healing the doubt that we all find ourselves susceptible to and just the freedom that you're walking in is a testimony that is just going to bless people's lives, and it's blessed mine.

Speaker 2: 1:17:10

So thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 1:17:17

Yeah, thanks. Well, I feel like I want to go back and listen to the last 40 minutes over again to just believe simply that you already have what you're searching for in the person of Jesus Christ. If you want to believe that, if that is your prayer tonight, pray this with me. Father, I thank you that I'm healed by Jesus's stripes, that I'm made whole, that I'm filled in Jesus and that I've been given everything in him. I have nothing without him, but I have him, so I have everything. Thank you for doing this, thank you for setting me free In Jesus's name. Amen. Listen, guys, we want you to check out all of our podcasts the worthy of everything podcast with Jadra and Michaela, two of my favorites. They came to my house and they took a photo and they put it right next to where I uh, I record my podcast. So this, if you're watching this on YouTube, that's Jadrian Michaela, and they have an awesome, awesome podcast called worthy of everything. Check it out. Uh, love y'all, appreciate y'all. Bye.