Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#181 From Anxiety to Inner Peace: Kaylee Ann Peil's Story
From battling anxiety and seeking validation to navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and marriage, Kaylee's candid story will resonate deeply with anyone on a path to spiritual growth. Her father's strong spiritual beliefs and her tumultuous experiences in young love set the stage for a transformative journey marked by both struggle and redemption.
Kaylee's recounting of her early romantic relationships and the purity culture challenges will shed light on the emotional turmoil and guilt that many young people face. She bravely shares her efforts to maintain physical boundaries and stay true to her values amidst the powerful influence of shame. You'll hear about the intense conversations with her parents and husband, along with the self-imposed accountability measures that helped her navigate these struggles. The episode also delves into the unique pressures of young love intertwined with deep spiritual convictions, revealing the path toward a committed and faith-filled partnership.
In this heartfelt episode, Kaylee also opens up about overcoming bitterness and resentment in her marriage, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. You'll learn about the concept of giving 100% in a relationship and viewing marriage as a path to holiness rather than happiness. Her journey from new age beliefs to embracing Christian faith is an inspiring transformation that showcases the power of God's unconditional love. Finally, Kaylee reflects on discovering her self-worth through faith, finding peace and harmony in her life, and the supportive community that helped her along the way. Join us for a moving conversation that explores the depths of faith, love, and personal growth.
Chapters:
11:44 - Romantic Relationships and High Standards
23:22 - Navigating Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
32:55 - Navigating Early Marital Challenges
48:31 - Journey to Spiritual Transformation
1:00:19 - Exploring Faith and Spiritual Transformation
1:04:27 - Discovering Faith Through Life Changes
1:11:29 - Discovering Worthiness Through God's Love"
1:23:12 - Rediscovering Worthiness Through God's Love
💰 DONATE & SUPPORT our Ministry: lovereality.org/give
👍 LIKE us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alovereality
📷 FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/riyoung31/
📚 LEARN more at our site: lovereality.org
Register to WAVE 1 Workshop over at lovereality.org/workshop.
The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I was literally not any fun to hang out with on that trip and all I could think about was I'm going to get home and my husband is not going to have missed me at all. That's what I was believing. These are the stories that I was like circulating in my mind constantly, like the enemy. That was his way of making me believe things that weren't true about my husband and about our marriage, and it was so destructive. Um, so I got back from my trip, I didn't even give my husband a hug because I'm like, yeah, you don't miss me. Obviously you don't miss me, because you didn't tell me you missed me. So, like it just goes to show how reliant I was on him to meet my needs and to act a certain way so that I felt valued and validated and special.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with Kaylee. And Kaylee has been hanging out with us for about a year. I got to meet her in Nebraska and I didn't know her very well, and to hear her story man, it resonates with me so much the shame, the guilt, the condemnation that plagued us for so long and how Jesus takes it all away. So this is Kaylee. She is a blessing and you will be blessed by hearing her story. Love y'all, appreciate y'all, buckle up, strap in. Here's Kaylee. Where does the story start, kaylee? Where are we going?
Speaker 2:There's a lot. I'm going to try to be like concise and not ramble too much, because I tend to do that. That's just how my brain works. But yeah, I guess I would go back to like my earliest memories as a kid, so probably like school, like five or six. I was always. I always wanted to please people. I was always so focused on just what. What if what I was doing was right or wrong. So I remember like a story from when I was five or six I was on the bus and someone told me and pressured me to say a bad word, like a swear word, and I felt so bad I didn't like eat or barely slept for like two or three days until I told my parents about it and they were, like I said, a bad word.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they were like okay, okay, well, don't do it again.
Speaker 1:I bet you remember what it was. Don't tell us, don't tell us.
Speaker 2:But yeah, it was. It's just crazy because I feel like that was almost innate in me, like as a personality, not necessarily something that my parents put on me. My parents did such an amazing job raising us and I'll share more about that but yeah, it was built into me at an early age that just that moral compass, that, like my conscience was so strong and I was also very hard on myself and kind of perfectionist from a young age. My dad was a huge part of like my spiritual, like my introduction to the spiritual world and we I remember going to church and staying after for like hours sometimes, cause he'd be meeting with the pastor and some of the elders and it was. It's a non-denominational church. I actually go there now.
Speaker 1:So he he would meet with the elders and the and the pastor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I just have these really early memories of of church was really important and my dad was so serious and um, I just remember, even in worship, like his facial expressions and I was really into worship too. But you know, you kind of start, you know the things that are modeled to you are kind of, especially with religion, I feel like you start to grow into as a kid. But, um, yeah, I remember worship as a really young kid too. As a kid, but yeah, I remember worship as a really young kid. I remember really enjoying it and I just remember my dad and how, yeah, just how serious and intense he was, Like he's kind of that kind of person anyway, but during this time he was going through a lot with his own spiritual walk with God and maybe someday he'll get to share his story or two.
Speaker 2:But um, yeah, I just remember being kind of impacted by that and I don't know when, like my first realization about God was Cause I, like I said, I feel like I was kind of born into it and I believed in God like from an early age. Um, and so I guess going into like school and stuff, one of my biggest things is this goes way back to like kindergarten. I always wanted boys attention and like I would be running around on the playground, like I remember this like boys would like were chasing me. I ended up running into this metal pole and blacking out once oh no this is so random, but, um, just the things you remember.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I, I was always seeking affirmation, I wanted to be special, I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be like in the popular group, um, but in reality I just I really smart. I was a teacher's pet kind of person. I remember like going closer, like later elementary school I would get my homework and you know there's like so much space to leave your answer and I would like fill that space and go beyond and go into the back of the page, cause I was, I wanted to be, um, like I wanted to answer the question really well and uh, so that's you're an overachiever.
Speaker 2:That's yes. That that is how I was as a kid. Um.
Speaker 1:I used to tell people I'm barely an achiever and you're an overachiever. You're making us achievers look mid-level.
Speaker 2:Sorry, yeah, but that was just my nature and yeah. So I remember that I actually had my first gray hair in fifth grade because of these homework assignments.
Speaker 1:Is that legit? Do we get gray hair for?
Speaker 2:stress. You think I actually did yeah, yep. What.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so were your parents like yo chill.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah. Well, actually the next year I had a really chill teacher and she like read to us during school and so that helped and I think homework kind of dialed down a little bit too. But that was my last year in public school for elementary school and then we ended up getting homeschooled for like through all the middle school years, which I think was a huge blessing because they're so tumultuous Like there's there's just so much drama and I did not have to take part in that.
Speaker 2:I did still like I was still part of homeschool groups and had friend groups and stuff.
Speaker 1:So I wasn't like isolated but um my family is the worst, what is middle school is the worst. But it's kind of like a microcosm of like adult life. Yeah, I think adults are more like middle schoolers and high schoolers. They're just kind of true. It's like mean, like middle school is like just mean, like people will, they don't care and they say whatever cause they're not trying. They're just just.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's my least favorite yeah yeah so thankfully I was able to be a part of that, but um, yeah, my parents, they were really great about it.
Speaker 2:They, they, they had us talk to other people who were homeschooled, ask them about their opinions and basically just do like a pros and cons list and ultimately we decided so it's like a family decision, which I really appreciated. Um that's awesome yeah, yeah. So I want to make sure I didn't miss anything like big from my elementary school years, because who was god to you?
Speaker 2:oh, oh, you know, I think he was just. I knew he loved me, but I also knew that I disappointed him a lot, or I felt that I disappointed him Um, especially if I made a mistake. Oh, this is a big thing. I wanted to make him proud and I felt that when I did something wrong he was upset with me and I had to distance myself from him. I couldn't go to him and you know my my dad modeled so many faces of God to me, like that fatherly role, but I think it was similar with him, like I wanted to make him proud and I felt that he was disappointed in me if I, if I, did something wrong.
Speaker 2:And there was a lot of focus on maybe more works, um, versus like you're loved and I'm proud of you, and those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I guess the way that I was relating to my earthly father was how I related to God at the time and during this time, um, we taught we there were a lot of beliefs that we held that went against or were kind of counter to the church we were going to Um, and one of the biggest ones was um that we don't have to sin, like we're not, like stuck in this, this prison, um, and my dad had believed during this time that, like the goal is perfection, like as far as like getting to a point where we don't sin anymore, um, and this has evolved over time, but but as a kid I I think this was really important to me, because I remember being really young and thinking, okay, I'll be perfect as soon as I fix my relationship with my sister, everything else is good, I don't have any other sins I need to get rid of, like I've got it all figured out, except for this one thing.
Speaker 2:I remember praying to God that that my sister and I wouldn't fight just for a day, and he actually answered my prayer. Like the next day we did not fight at all, which was like a miracle, because we were at each other's throats all the time. So I was really sincere. For sure.
Speaker 2:But I think I carried that weight on me of like that perfectionism.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that can lead to some legalistic behavior.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. So that's like an underlying theme that will come up again later. Yeah, when I was about 13, there was this guy that started giving me attention. There was this guy that started giving me attention and it left like a really deep, uh, emotional wound, or just it had this strong effect on me because he was the first person that had ever treated me that way and it was intense.
Speaker 2:Like we were not like in a relationship or dating, or there was nothing physical. It was literally we would talk all the time dating or there was nothing physical. It was literally we would talk all the time. He would tell me like how beautiful I was and all these things. It I was 13.
Speaker 2:It left a really like it made a huge impact on me and it's something I've had to work through over time. But, um, I just remember that being a big thing because again, like I was able to get attention from somebody. I felt special. I felt like he was able to fill that void for me. And then it just kind of got worse.
Speaker 2:Like there was some kind of not unhealthy things with that, but like their family didn't want us getting like overly attached to each other, even though that had already happened. Like we were writing letters and we weren't allowed to write letters to each other anymore. Um, so it was just kind of weird. But we grew apart and there were other things that happened that I won't go into all the details. But um, and I had, like another guy that I was interested in I was 15 at that time, guy that I was interested in. I was 15 at that time and, um, honestly, at that age I pretty much liked anyone that I could like, anyone that was available the most like the most available person at the time you come here.
Speaker 2:So we, I hung out with this guy a little bit and, um, I actually feel kind of bad because I think I really hurt him because, like it got to a point where we were thinking about becoming a thing, Like he actually called me or my dad or something and was going to ask permission to hold my hand because we had had this conversation.
Speaker 1:That's pretty sweet.
Speaker 2:Yeah and um, around that same time, I had come to this realization like I don't want to date, like dating is dumb, like this was during the time. I think a lot of people have talked about this. Like the purity culture, like kiss dating, goodbye, um. We call it like courting, if there was someone that you're actually like wanting to I hate.
Speaker 1:I don't know why I hate that word so much. Why is it that I hate the word courtship and courting? Why?
Speaker 2:I don't know, probably because it sounds so old fashioned, but like, I've seen some beautiful courtships and, like heard some beautiful stories. But when you start to set that as the standard and you fall short of that, it can be really dangerous, and that's that's what happened to me eventually. But it can be really dangerous, and that's that's what happened to me eventually. But but yeah, so basically broke this guy's heart because I told him um, yeah, I'm really not interested in a relationship right now. Also still kind of hung up on this other guy which at the time I didn't realize. Um, I'm only 15 here. Like this is just a lot.
Speaker 1:It's not you, it's me. I'm 15.
Speaker 2:Oh, so complicated. And so I, yeah, I remember, um, I always just craved a relationship, Like I always wanted someone to yeah, just make me feel special.
Speaker 1:And in some ways we're built for that.
Speaker 2:In some ways, we're built for that right. In some ways we're built for that. It's a natural need and desire, but, um, I just wasn't looking in the right places to have that filled and so, going into high school, I actually went back to public school my junior year, um, for like college in the school, so college classes that I took with like high school students, um, and so I met my future husband there and or my current husband, but at the time he was my future husband and, um, I was a new girl. In school. He was kind of shy, I wasn't really like interested in a relationship or anything, but I kind of pursued him. I have this history of like, yeah, pursuing things when I shouldn't necessarily be.
Speaker 1:Try to go for it.
Speaker 2:I'm glad. I'm glad I did, though, cause it worked out. But yeah, so I remember when Twilight came out. Have you heard of the Twilight series? Have you?
Speaker 1:heard of the Twilight series. I'm Team Bella. Okay, I haven't read the books and I think I've only seen the first movie, but I do know. Yeah, what was it? Team Jacob and Team team. What's the other guy's?
Speaker 2:name uh the white dude wait, why don't I know this?
Speaker 1:yeah, so you can tell I was never crazy about it, uh but during twilight, what's his name I have it like right here team robert, is it robert? I think robert pattinson is the name of the actor. Oh what j no jacob is I can't remember, I can't believe it either way, someone will be yelling at it right now when they're listening to the podcast. Yeah, it's team. Uh, so what? What was going on with that?
Speaker 2:well, I, I couldn't like, I hated it because it was so romantic and I did not have a romantic relationship and it just made me want one more.
Speaker 1:I hate you, Bella. Yeah, for having this beautiful, dramatic moment with the werewolf and the vampire.
Speaker 2:That's what I want for me. Yeah, absolutely. And I was always like fantasizing about things Like you know, as far as love and being loved, and, yeah, my mind would just go all kinds of places imagining, like, what it would be like to have a boyfriend and whatever, but yeah, anyway. So September, oh gosh, junior year, 2013.
Speaker 2:Um, and was really interested in him, but I didn't want to tell him I liked him or anything like. Nope, not going to cross that line, we're just going to be friends, whatever. And, um, we just got to know each other and I think he didn't join the ski team with me that year, but we got to know each other, and I think it was around like February where, like, the feelings seemed to be kind of mutual. And so, on my 17th birthday, um, I was at one of his family functions and he asked me to be his girlfriend, like in a really sweet way. He had like a cart and a couple other things that basically led up to that question and I said yes, and then I like whispered in his ear and said, but you're gonna have to ask my dad yeah, I've met your dad.
Speaker 1:I think that that would be a I I don't know if it would be the easiest moment of life intimidating. Yeah, just a tad. Yeah, I mean, he's a great guy, but the quiet ones. You got to be nervous about the quiet ones, right? Isn't that what they say? So did he do it?
Speaker 2:yeah, so the rest of the night we were at his aunt's birthday party or something. He literally was like like a statue. He was so nervous and he didn't move or talk to me for like the rest of the night pretty much. And so we walked into my house once they were dropping me off at home and I think my I had hinted to something to my mom and so she like kind of prepped my dad for it in a way, so it wasn't like a huge shock to him and so he knew about it and he asked him and he gave him his like blessing or whatever you want to say, like like yes, I'm okay with this. But then he gave us like like blessing or whatever you want to say, like like yes, I'm okay with this. But then he gave us like the magnet talk and you know he like had two magnets and he's like the closer the magnets get, the stronger the pull is. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, I knew. I feel I think I'm picking up what you're laying down.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So that was the talk that he gave him, not not intense at all, but yeah. So then we started dating and, um, I want to make sure I don't miss anything else from my childhood. That's like important, because this is when things started to really shift for me, like in a negative way. Um, shift for me like in a negative way. Um.
Speaker 2:So I had these like hugely high standards and one thing that I had been reading through this like christian girl teenage girls book series, and this was before I met alex, and I had had like this pretty clear vision of my wedding day and having my first kiss like at the altar. And uh, so I had this conviction of like I wasn't gonna kiss my partner until we were married. And, um, he was like initially I think he was okay with that, like he's never been huge on like the physical touch, like that's not his love language at all. Like I initiated the handholding thing, like I always wanted that stuff. So I was like, well, I'm going to get it. Like we're dating now, so we're going to hold hands. I'm pretty sure, like a couple of weeks after dating, we like totally each other, we loved each other, like really really early on yeah, end of junior year Very quickly.
Speaker 2:Um didn't know what that meant at the time. Obviously, it was like very feelings based and we were in that.
Speaker 1:You loved him as much as you could love a person at that time in that way Right.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:You didn't know any better. That's, that's the max, right, that way, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, you didn't know any better. That's, that's the max, right, yeah. So it was just like kind of swept up in the feelings and the um, that experience of falling in love, which, yeah, again something I held up really high on this pedestal, that finally I'm able to do it now and, um, yeah, yeah, it really became like the main part of my life. And oh, I want to say one thing before I keep going one of the biggest themes that I noticed as I was going back and reading through my journals was I would always come back and say, like I haven't written in three months, I'm so far away from god, I need to seek him more. And it was like this constant up and down of I'd end up in this low spot and then I'd have some kind of uh, like revelation or breakthrough and like this mountaintop moment and that would like push me into the next, like, okay, I'm going to seek God now and like I'm going to commit my life to this Um, and I, uh, yeah, just kind of like this constant cycle of relying on those low moments and then those high moments to keep going.
Speaker 2:That was my way of functioning and I saw like this direct relationship between like how much time I was spending with God and how good my life was. So, if I was struggling in life, then I was like, oh, I need to start seeking God more because, obviously, like he has the answers. I want him more than anything. Like you know, I was really sincere. So so, yeah, I'm in this relationship and, um, we spent a ton of time together. We did a ton of things with each other's families, but we also spent some alone time together, which ultimately resulted in some like temptations, and we like both had this hard and fast rule that, like we weren't gonna have sex like that was our draw the line, and we also weren't kissing, but there were all these other things that we were still doing, and so it was like the kissing thing was so dumb, because the whole point of not kissing was to not like like lead into potential other things that are worse.
Speaker 2:And so we we fell into some like uh, sexual sin. I guess we had like we were um, I don't want to like you were doing stuff that you didn't want to do.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, Physical things not, obviously not sex, but like, yeah, we were crossing lines and um one night in particular, I was late curfew, I gave myself a curfew. This is another thing I appreciated about my parents. They did not have rules for us. There was no dating age rule, there was no like like things that like yeah, no curfew. And so I asked I think at 16, I asked my parents, or 17. I asked my parents for a curfew, 17 or 18. Why. Because I wanted to be accountable.
Speaker 1:You're different, I am. Why do you want, like, tell me what time I have to be here?
Speaker 2:yeah, actually, I think I think I maybe was 18 at that point and like that's the beautiful thing about having parents, that that didn't um, like they weren't so focused on rules and like that's the word I'm trying to think of.
Speaker 2:Like they weren't legalistic in that way. So we always we got along so well, like like I loved my parents as a teenager, like they were my friends, they were my mentors, they were my counselors. Like my dad would sit us down as kids and say like, hey, how are you? And it wasn't just like a casual thing, it was, oh, I'm not good and this is why. And he would just like I'd bawl my eyes out and I'd be like pouring my heart out to him and then and feel so much better. And it was, yeah, it was such a blessing, such a blessing so, yeah, what happens?
Speaker 1:you probably are going to go into some guilt condemnation shame much, so much.
Speaker 2:Um, we actually had a journal that we wrote to each other and me and my boyfriend now husband, um and we would talk about this stuff, about how we felt so bad every time we would fall into temptation, and I was also like really pushing Alex like to have a relationship with God, like he loved, like he believed in God. But seriously, the first questions I asked him when we started dating were like what's your deepest fear and do you love God? And like all these like intense questions, like literally right out the gate, and he kind of questioned like he kind of second guess himself for a little bit, little bit like, oh, this girl's kind of crazy, I don't know, I don't know about this. Pretty intense, yeah, yeah. So, um, it was so important to me.
Speaker 2:That was like the most important thing to me was that my husband had to be a believer and he had to be committed, and the fact that we kept falling short, um, like it injured my relationship with God because in my mind, like that sin was literally pushing me away from God. It was, it was distancing me from God, and so I carried a lot of shame and I and I don't I didn't realize how much it affected me, but it really did.
Speaker 1:And um isn't that the way it always goes, that we don't find out till later how much that shame had a hold of hold on us and kind of dictated how we felt about ourselves and how we felt about God?
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally Like, when things come to light, it kind of all makes sense. It's like, oh, no wonder I felt that way as a kid, or I did that as a kid, or you know, a young adult or whatever it's. It's just this underlying thing. But, um, yeah, I remember the first time so when I was late for my curfew, that, circling back to that, my parents were waiting up for me, or my mom, and she asked me what I was doing. I think they knew that things were happening, like something was happening, um, and I told her, I told her what happened and we had crossed a line and we were so remorseful, like we all got together, like me and my husband and my parents, and we had like this discussion about it and we were crying and we were like, yeah, we're not going to do it again that sounds terrible.
Speaker 2:Ah, it really. It was like so much of what I went through, like the intentions were good, but it ended up I just told someone this I feel like the, the shame that I was carrying actually was um more harmful than like the actual temptation we were falling into. Like this in itself, didn't I?
Speaker 1:I think I said that, I think I heard that somewhere. Maybe you were there, maybe it was a Bible study or something it was like a Bible study where someone was saying that the shame does more damage than the actual. Like pornography use, like that shame. Shame is so powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, mercy, yeah, and that's the enemy's tactic to keep us separated from God, so that we stay in that place. So that came out into the light. We like resolved to do better, to not make mistakes again.
Speaker 1:You guys still weren't kissing.
Speaker 2:Yes, no, we weren't. Yeah, it's messed up.
Speaker 1:You're like well, at least we aren't meeting with your family? Were you're like well, at least we aren't. We is that meeting with your family? Were you guys like well, we're not kissing, though, probably?
Speaker 2:you're like uh okay cool, you really did it yeah yeah you guys are awesome and so gosh, I think it was about a year into our relationship I went on a 17 day trip with my grandparents and when I came back, like I missed him so much, like we ended up kissing. It was our first kiss. No it was amazing. It was like I think, yeah, it must've been like the summer after I graduated high school. So it was yeah, yeah. And so my husband, my alex, was like oh great, so we're kissing now.
Speaker 2:This is awesome and you're like no and then I felt so bad and so like the next morning I confessed to my parents and I was like so sad and I told him we can't kiss anymore are you?
Speaker 1:this is like story. Did you know that that happened to me? That exact thing? Yes, my mom, I wasn't going to confess it. My mom knew that the morning after I had my first kiss, she knew and she confronted me in the hallway and she's like I knew it and I'm like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:I'll never do it again. But it was even more intense because I had had this strong conviction and this vision and this thing I told them about years before that, and so it was a big deal and it's like you set up a whole bunch of stuff for yourself to fail.
Speaker 1:I did, I did yeah you're like I'm gonna do this so that it will make me feel bad.
Speaker 2:Of course, you didn't know that all these books are so inspiring, though like the couple that only did side hugs and never like you know why is that inspiring?
Speaker 1:I don't know. Look at them side hugging praise the lord I never went.
Speaker 2:I never was like that strict but like, but yeah it was sad and it's I don't know, I don't know what.
Speaker 2:I Praise the Lord. I think it actually ruined like our future of kissing honestly. So like there was just some kind of injury there, like there was a, I don't know, it was somewhat traumatic. I'm sure I started going to nursing school the following spring or winter, like January, out of high school and yeah, I guess I was pretty busy with that and I was working. I was a nursing assistant in the hospital, so getting a lot of good experience and learning a lot.
Speaker 1:You still felt the same way about God, that God was looking at your life and he's like I love you, but you're messing up a lot.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Quite a bit disappointed in your messing up. Yeah, that wasn't a side hug I saw that that was a front hug. I saw that that was a front hug.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, yeah, it was. Yeah, this constant cycle of of falling short and, um, feeling really bad about it and then, like, resolving to do better, um, and eventually, I think it was, um, uh, it was 20. So I grew up, I was in school, okay, 2016. I think it was 2016. So, as we got married the following year, but before we got married, a ton of stuff happened. So, like the summer of 2016, I was like I'm done with this. I am like I can't do this anymore. This relationship is not going to work. Like, since we keep falling into this, like I'm so far away from God. And I confess, like I told that to my, to Alex, and I was like, yeah, this isn't going to work.
Speaker 2:And but he this whole time had this knowing, like he knew he was going to marry me, he knew I was the one, like he, he had this assurance and I didn't, um, and so we had some discussions during this time and we decided to stay together, but we weren't gonna have any physical contact. Zero, cutting it off. Like we would. We would hang out, but like we wouldn't. Like, yeah, we literally would not touch each other at all, not even like whole hands or anything. Nothing. We're like. I'm like that's the only way to fix this. What?
Speaker 2:safety first right, yeah, exactly so. Um, we did that for a few months. We actually signed a contract. It's in the journal. My husband won't even look at this journal.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you you're making him sign contracts, you're cutting him off from smooching I know the things I put him through, the poor man.
Speaker 2:So, um, yeah, so we I think it was like fall of 2016. So then we I don't know, we started. We must have like ended that and just went on with our relationship. And I still was questioning some things, wasn't sure if he was the one and or no. Yeah, I was going back and forth all the time. It was just it was crazy. And so I, in November, I have a journal entry that was saying like love Alex so much. He's the one for me, like we're gonna make this work, all these things. Like I was sure that, like we were gonna do this.
Speaker 1:Two days later, I'm writing in there and I'm like I'm breaking up with Alex why, it was just, it was shame you were breaking up because you guys had fooled around, and then you're like yeah, because we had fallen back into that same temptation again and again and I could not live with myself.
Speaker 2:I was like the only solution here is to leave him, totally whiplashed him. I'm sure I remember going there and telling him I was breaking up with him and he was like heartbroken and he even considered like that it was the end. Like he like, because up until this point he was like super committed, like she's the one, I'm marrying her, and there was like a I don't know some time, like during this time we were broken up for not very long but he was thinking like maybe I should just let her go and but then eventually he resolved to like no, no, I can't. Like I know she's the one. Like he stayed strong in his, in his um, you know, knowing that we were going to get married, in his you know, knowing that we were going to get married.
Speaker 2:And so during this time, this two weeks or so that we were not dating, he was spending a lot of time with God in prayer and hardest, worst time of his life, he said. He told me this like after the fact, but he invited me over one day to pray and we prayed and he prayed like pouring out his heart, like I've never heard him pray before to god for like an hour about our relationship and about his relationship with god, and it was the craziest thing I've ever seen. And so at that point I was like, wow, this is for real, like he's for real about his relationship with God and, like I said, that was the most important thing to me and I made him make this commitment, like I asked him. I'm like are you, do you promise to keep learning, growing and changing?
Speaker 1:You're like that's a very nice prayer. I would like you to sign this contract in my journal. Basically, that says that you will continue to pray that way.
Speaker 2:It was awful. That was my mindset, like I had to make sure that he changed or make sure that he fit in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because that's up to you, you know, to change someone I thought that up until just like a couple years ago. So, yeah, um, so we got back together and you can do it to all those ladies who are listening and you want to change your man. You just keep going harder. Just keep trying to change them. If they're not changing, say it stronger or make a harsher contract.
Speaker 2:And nag more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and more nagging.
Speaker 2:It's really effective.
Speaker 1:Oh man, in no time they will be changed. Not in the way you want. They'll probably be changed into a different thing. Time they will be changed. Uh, not in the way you want. Uh, they'll probably change it into a different thing, but they'll be changed. Yeah, so that kept on going. Uh, or are you guys getting getting closer to getting married? Was it like okay, he's the one now yeah.
Speaker 2:So we got back together and basically I told him like okay, like we gotta get married soon. I'm just saying like I'm not doing this forever, I'm not doing this, waiting, falling into temptation thing.
Speaker 1:How old are you at this point? I?
Speaker 2:was 19.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not waiting forever. I'm 19. I'm drying up. I'm 19 years old.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Are you guys non-denominational?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What's with you, guys and getting married at age four?
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Like you and and all everybody who's non-denominational that I've had on this podcast is like and I was determined to get married by age 17. What is with y'all Good for you, I guess, is with y'all good for you.
Speaker 2:I guess I feel like the biggest thing is like when you're in a relationship with someone and it's been like three or four or five years like there's no way you haven't like been intimate in some way yeah you know, and so then you're. That's why you do it early yeah, when that guilt's hanging over you, it's like, okay, we gotta hurry up and do this so that we don't have to feel guilty anymore yeah, and I think that's the reason to get married, you know. Yeah, really good, so you so you don't have guilt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but.
Speaker 1:I'm teasing you.
Speaker 2:I followed the breakup rule, like you like you always say and it ended up working.
Speaker 1:What was the breakup rule?
Speaker 2:Like like just break up.
Speaker 1:Things aren't good.
Speaker 2:Break up.
Speaker 1:Call it.
Speaker 2:And ended up working out. So. So, yeah, I was like, yep, we got to get married soon, I'm not doing this forever. And, um, he was like, oh, okay, uh, okay, and so we set a date, or no, we didn't set a date. He he proposed first, obviously in February of 2017, I uh was, oh, he's fine. Um, I think I was in my third semester of nursing school, so it's still in school. I missed like multiple assignments that week Cause we like we, we set the date, we set the location, we did all this stuff and I was super busy and like for the first week, I was like just all in and then I, okay, I focused on my, my nursing school again. So, um, yeah, we going up to the wedding was was good, I was feeling good about it. I think the day of the wedding, I was like god, just give me peace if this is like the right thing.
Speaker 1:And he did like I had told me. Tell me now if it's the wrong thing before it's too late.
Speaker 2:No, I got 30 minutes yeah, so, um, yeah, yeah, we got married and solved all your problems it really didn't, oh my god oh, it didn't.
Speaker 2:I'm surprised what happened right so so, going into marriage, I had like a lot of expectations on what intimacy would be like or look like, and he wasn't like meeting those expectations for me, and so that was like the first big issue that was happening. But there was also, like I'm a firm believer that like shame that, or like just uh, like spiritual relationship issues like have a huge effect on those things. Yeah, certainly, and uh, whether he was conscious of it or not, but but yeah, um, so that was a problem for a while. And then, of course, like I still didn't know who I was, I got married at 20, we were 20 and I thought that he was supposed to fulfill all my needs and like meet me halfway, like do all these things that they talk about in the world, like what a marriage should look like? The other person should make you happy, they should follow your love languages? I think that, um, elias and gabby talk about did you put that in your contract?
Speaker 1:when love languages?
Speaker 2:yeah, we didn't do vows, we just had a contract. No, um, so so, yeah, um, I had all these expectations that he wasn't meeting, like right from the start, and that's a really bad way to start a marriage. Unfortunately, a lot of people stay in marriages like that and it's miserable. But, um, I trying to think of like, yeah, the first year or two was really rough.
Speaker 1:You know what will fix all of that. If marriage didn't fix it, you know what will fix it, what Having kids.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, you know what? Thankfully we were able to figure things out before having kids and I think I knew this. There were times where I was like, oh, if I just had a baby, like I could be happy and like we would figure things out.
Speaker 2:But thankfully we actually did work through things before we were married for four years before we had our son, our first son, um and so which was good, because I needed time I was like having some like health issues nothing diagnosed, but just like I was burnt out, I was exhausted. Like the amount of things that I did in a very small amount of time was kind of insane. Um, just over those few years and becoming a nurse and doing shift work and working a stressful job and you know, like moving, and all these things that we did in a short amount of time, and so I was at the point where I like would lay on the couch and not watch Netflix all day and then go to work and then sleep for like 10 hours, like it was full-on burnout and then this is right around the time the pandemic hit, I'm sure um a little bit before.
Speaker 2:So it was 2019 and we had been married for like I guess it would have been like a year and a half at that point. And so, yeah, still the same struggles in marriage, lots of arguments um expectations not being met, and I committed to a year of rest and so I finished my bachelor's degree online and I was like I'm not doing anything else new Because I have this thing where I like to like start new things and I'll change things up. I'm getting kind of bored. I'm going to do this thing Like my commitment.
Speaker 1:You do might have a little. You might have a little ADHD.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Yes, I feel just a smidgen yeah, yeah, so I'll start things, not finish them or like not be fully committed.
Speaker 2:So, um, um, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I finished my bachelor's degree, spent the summer just chilling, like trying to rest, uh, recover from life, but I was so unhappy Like the negative thought spirals in my head were like taking over and I think I was still at the same point in my life with God like just not able to be consistent in like my devotional time and still relying on these highs and lows.
Speaker 2:Um, I think he had shown me maybe before that like he wanted me to seek him daily and like he wanted it. He was starting to teach me about my past of relying on those rollercoaster, rollercoaster kind of life, and then he wanted me to start like abiding and just you know, like. So he I think he like introduced that to me around that time possibly. But that summer I went on a trip with my sister and my cousin and I expected the trip to fill me up. I'd feel good and feel like myself again. I was literally not any fun to hang out with on that trip and all I could think about was I'm going to get home and my husband is not going to have missed me at all.
Speaker 2:That's what I was believing. These are the stories that I was like circulating in my mind constantly, like the enemy, that that was his way of making me believe things that weren't true about my husband and about our marriage, and it was so destructive. Um, so I got back from my trip, I didn't even give my husband a hug, cause I'm like, yeah, you don't miss me. Obviously you don't miss me because you didn't tell me you missed me. So, like it just goes to show how reliant I was on him to meet my needs and to act a certain way so that I felt valued and validated and special you know, and I realized that I was in a pretty low spot.
Speaker 2:And around that time I joined a women's group and we were reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and it's all about gratitude and how gratitude changed her life and like, basically finding multiple, like at least a few things a day that's why it's called a thousand gifts. It's like a thousand gifts over the course of a year, things that you're grateful for, that you just noticed because you're paying attention. So this book opened me up to, like, the realization that I was choosing negativity, I was choosing to be unhappy and discontent with my life and all I had to do was start noticing the good things and choosing joy and seeing that God had joy for me. And that was a huge turning point for me Because, leading up to this, between the marriage issues and the emotional overwhelm and stress from life and burnout, I would wake up sometimes feeling like I don't want to get out of bed, like what's the point? Like I had no drive, I had no like to get me going for the day because I just couldn't do it.
Speaker 2:Like, and when I had this realization about the way I was living my life and where it was taking me, I think maybe you can help me quote the verse about um like how bitterness, uh like, rots the bones, or something like. That's literally what was happening to me. The bitterness and the resentment that I was like carrying with me and threw me throughout every single day was literally making me ill. Mercy.
Speaker 2:And um, and control obviously was a huge part of it. I wanted to control my husband this whole time, as I'm sure everyone can tell. But yeah, god did something in me. It was a big moment and I started to see the good things and kind of rewire, renew my mind, um, in the truth, and I had, like the best for sure. It was like that first month. It was like heaven on earth, like God gave me this glimpse of what our marriage could be like, or maybe what it really was, underneath all the crap, and we got along super well, like I remember. I also changed some things, like with my health and my lifestyle. That made a big difference. Got off social media for a while, like was taking care of my body and everything just fell into place. It was all I had to do was release, let go of the bitterness and the expectation. I also learned during this time that marriage isn't 50 50, it's 100 percent, no matter what percent they're putting out right it could be 100, zero like, and that's super countercultural.
Speaker 2:It's's even countercultural in the Christian world. For sure, for sure. And my perception was that he wasn't giving enough and therefore I have this right to be upset and irritated and nagging.
Speaker 1:Taking rights.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he got to the point where he dreaded coming home because he didn't know what kind of Kaylee he'd be coming home to. So, yeah, this was a big turn turning point for our marriage when I learned a lot of things about like I can't control him. I don't need to expect things from him in order to be happy. He is not my happiness. I think I read a book called um sacred marriage by I think it's Gary Thompson, and he talks about that. Like you don't get married for happiness, you get married like for holiness. Ultimately, like it's one of the most refining things you'll ever do alongside having kids. And, um, yeah, so the like several months after that were really good. Like there was still things we had to work through, but, um, like, I felt good. I could eat whatever I had, my food sensitivities were gone, I had energy. I had this like underlying piece where, instead of my husband asked me like oh, is everything okay? Like because I was quiet, oh, is everything okay? Like because I was quiet, I was, instead of being like, well, yeah, no, all of these things are wrong, it was like, no, I'm good. Like I'm, I'm actually good. And it's crazy I think people have said this before too Like when you experience God's love and power, like things are brighter, colors are brighter, the sun shines brighter, like you see the good things, you start enjoying life again, and so that was huge. That was huge for me.
Speaker 2:Um, then covid hit. I was working on a post-op orthopedic unit. It kind of like went dead for a while because I think they canceled all the surgeries. It was weird. And then I got a different job at that point. So this is 2020.
Speaker 2:So I was always super interested in health and wellness. So I started this coaching program for nurses, specifically to become board certified health coaches, essentially. And that was all of my 2020 and 2021, 2021 and really dove into that, dove into the training, dove into mentorship. That was a huge part of my life and that kind of started trending into like the new age beliefs. So I'll just briefly explain a little bit of what I was doing. So like I was saying affirmations like at the end of the day, like saying things out loud as if they were true, even though they weren't true yet. Like I own a large house with a porch and horses in the backyard, I am happy and content with my marriage, like some good things, but it was along those lines of, like, I'm creating my reality and I can manifest whatever I want into my life. This just kind of comes along with a lot of the coaching industry and especially the part that I was in Um, and so, yeah, kind of just getting entangled with that a little bit.
Speaker 2:Um, there's a lot of good in it, there's a lot of truth in it, but when they leave Jesus out, it removes the whole point of life, you're making it on your own yes, yeah, and so, like during coaching, I felt, you know, even though I was pretty healthy and content, like leading up to that, I started to kind of put on this face of like well, I'm a coach now, like I can't have issues because I've got to help all these other people and I'd have a hard day, and like, okay, well, now I gotta put on my coach face and and coach this person because I need to help them with their life. And my life was, you know, not like I wasn't literally. I wasn't actually like walking my talk very well, not that I was trying. Like I knew I wasn't going to be perfect, even though I wanted to be. I knew I wasn't going to be perfect even though I wanted to be.
Speaker 2:But I got pregnant that fall. So I just launched my business, worked with a few clients, was doing well, got pregnant. We planned that like we wanted to have a baby and pregnancy like hit me really hard with exhaustion. I wasn't super like sick or anything, but just like no energy, like could barely move, kind of energy for the first few months. Then I started to feel better but I noticed like I needed my energy to go into me, like I was so inward focused, I didn't have much love to extra love to give, overflowing into other people, and so I took a break from the coaching thing. I had my first son in august of 21 and, um, it was amazing, crazy experience, you know.
Speaker 2:Things went pretty good overall um and yeah, I don't remember much like like after was born. I had an amazing postpartum experience. My husband had eight weeks off, seven or eight weeks off. I started my, my postnatal workout program like right away. I felt super good. I feel like I was just lucky, because a lot of people don't have that experience after they have a baby, like as far as like hormone imbalances and all of that.
Speaker 2:But there were a little bit of things like I had some intrusive thoughts that that came in shortly after the birth because of just the way he was born, like how intense it was and a little bit of a complication. But he obviously he was fine, we were both fine, and so I think the intrusive thoughts kind of were uh triggered by the trauma of that. So I worked through that um, because that was my biggest concern because like my whole life I didn't talk about this too much, but as a kid I dealt with some anxiety. There were like a couple months where I didn't eat because I was afraid I was going to throw up, because I had been sick previous to that, and so I I was afraid to eat. It's an actual like paranoia or whatever.
Speaker 2:And then like some OCD tendencies like um, around 14 or 15, like my parents would ask me questions and I'd say I don't, I don't know. I think I think this is the answer, but I'm not sure, cause I was so in my mind I was like I don't know if it's exactly right, like it was weird, and then I'd wake up at night sometimes and have like a panic attack or whatever from a dream. So just these things that kind of were like over the years and so that was a little bit of a concern with my postpartum, but thankfully I worked through that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so how did you start listening to Savannah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so how did you start listening to Savannah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my sister sent me one of her videos because I got married young and so she had this viral video that was like getting married at 19 or 20 or whatever.
Speaker 2:And I think my sister sent me that Um and I started listening to her, followed along with her her years actually, before she stopped doing videos. But, um, she was talking about this like freedom from sin thing, and I was like, what, like, because, okay, so how the spiritual thing morphed over our childhood was like first we were so focused on works and perfection and attaining perfection, like the goal is to be like jesus, like that's why Jesus came, so that we could be perfect Like him, like, like not not sinning ever, and um, and then so, like we, we also didn't have any um, like assurance of salvation. Because of that Cause, it's like, well, yeah, maybe, like, maybe, like I don't know, it's up to God, I guess Like if I'm still sinning, then why would I want to be in heaven? Because if I'm sinning, like, I'm wanting sin more than I'm wanting God, so why would I want to spend eternity with God if I wanted that sin?
Speaker 2:That was kind of our thought process on it, and then we kind of morphed into like well, if you're going in the right direction and you're pursuing God, then you'll go to heaven. Like you know, it kind of shifted more towards in the right direction Because for some reason, like in my family growing up, that wasn't a big deal, like the assurance of salvation wasn't a big deal. And I remember arguing with people, like people who had booths up, and they were like like they would have john 316 and then they'd like rope you in and be like what do you like you know? Do you know if you're going to heaven or not?
Speaker 2:And we would sit there and like debate forever and it was so stressful because I didn't know, um, right, and so that just kind of evolved and then my parents started to learn more about like love, like, wow, love is powerful. It's not just like loving someone isn't going to cause them to like, uh, you know sin more, like I think that was kind of our mentality. It was because a lot of like the groups we were a part of, it was like hyper grace focused in a way that was like the groups we were a part of it was like hyper grace focused in a way that was like almost licentiousness. I guess you could say, um, it's too far in that direction, and so when I saw savannah's videos and I was like freedom from sin, whoa this?
Speaker 1:and we started listening to dan moeller was this before she had gotten it, or was this like in the like?
Speaker 2:She had.
Speaker 1:Early, early stuff.
Speaker 2:I think it was pretty early on. Yeah, because she had just started to be introduced to it. I don't think she was like fully in it yet, and so we listened to Dan Moeller. That's what we spent a lot of time doing. I didn't start listening to like.
Speaker 1:So you're listening to Savannah I'm not sure when her podcast came out, but so you're listening to Savannah.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure when her podcast came out, but I know I like started to listen to her podcast but I didn't finish it, yeah, so I was kind of intrigued by it because I'm like, oh, there's other people out there who believe that you literally don't have to be a slave to sin. Like that was the biggest thing to me, like, like that identity, like not taking on that identity of sinner and broken and trash, you know, and so that was really interesting to me. Um, I started listening to Dan Moeller. Our church one of our ladies at church actually did like a group where we like a Bible study where we listened to him and talked about it and stuff, um, and so I think I'll just fast forward to leading up to um. So she introduced me to it, like I knew there was something there, but I didn't really know about love reality at that time.
Speaker 2:So, uh, january of 23 last year rolls around, um, and I'm running my coaching business, doing all the things, um, and I start to question things, like because of the new age beliefs there's. You know, like I said, there's a lot there that's interesting and maybe true, but out of the context of God. It does not align with my beliefs. And so, ultimately, I got to the point where I was like then, why would Jesus have to come? Like, if we're the author of our life and we're like, ultimately, like our own God, like, why would we need a savior? And as soon as that question hit my mind, it was like and I was surprised, not that I was actually questioning it because I knew what I believed, but I realized how far I had gone into that train of thought, because that's what these people believe. They believe that Jesus was another great teacher or prophet, or even a spirit guide, like. There's people who pray to spirit guides and Jesus is one of them, and there's all these others.
Speaker 2:I don't know who they are, but different, spiritual, not great people you know, and I also read this book that was really eye-opening about this girl's experience with new age stuff and when she finally decided she would choose jesus as her ultimate spirit guide, that's when everything was revealed to her about what she was in like, what she was in like what she was following and how dangerous it was. And so all this happened at once. I also was realizing that my own life was kind of falling apart because I was not taking care of my own health.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to take a quick commercial break and I'm here with my brother, Enoch Enoch. Question for you, my friend how long has it been that you've been marinating in this good, good gospel? Five years approximately. Five years. What would you say it's done in your life, would you say?
Speaker 4:Well, I would say it's shown me that I'm free from sin at the level of my identity and because of that, temptations are losing their power and I find myself at a new level of success I couldn't have imagined possible.
Speaker 1:Oh okay. You've donated time, money, energy. It seems like you really want people to hear this message. Why is that important to you?
Speaker 4:Well, because it's changed my life. I wanted to change others too, because I struggled very hard before I knew this to get free of things and to live a new life, and I found myself stuck. So getting unstuck, I think, is very important.
Speaker 1:That sounds great, man, if you're listening to this, you want to partner with us. We want to keep doing this. We want to keep spreading the gospel. We don't think we'll ever run out of people, but it does take money to do this, and so you can donate at wwwloverealityorg slash give, and every dollar you give goes to us being able to put the podcast out, internet church, the Bible studies, all of that good stuff. So love realityorg slash give. Thank you so much. You know I appreciate you, man. Thank you very much.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you too, richard. So major shift in my life, and I was like, okay, I'm taking a break from my coaching business because this whole time I know I believe God led me to coaching and I believe that it's something I'll do in the future, but I want to do it in his way, in his timing, and my dad had said something leading up to this point where I was like, really hitting it hard in my business. He's like it might just maybe, it's just not the right time. And I looked at him like he was crazy. I was like, uh, no, like I'm going to do this, like I can be successful if I put my mind to it.
Speaker 2:He was right, though, and another friend of mine, she, she said, like what are you wanting to help people with? And I'm like I want to just help people live a life of abundance, because I've always been passionate about that, like a life of freedom and abundance and thriving, like those are the kinds of things that inspire me and that I want for my life. And she's like looks at me and she's like do you feel like you're living a life of abundance?
Speaker 2:you're like shut up and don't look at the man behind the curtain and then I like started going on and saying well, yeah, yeah, like and explaining and stuff, but it really made me think it was. It was another uh piece of you know going in that.
Speaker 1:Were you living a life of abundance.
Speaker 2:No, no, it was still constant, striving, constant, um, trying really hard and then burning out. And I wasn't at peace, I wasn't aligned. I was trying to make this thing work in my own way. I wanted to be successful in my business and it was at the expense of my life and my relationships and my own health too. So ultimately decided I'm going to take a break from from the coaching thing for the two reasons just the I need a break for myself and also, like the new age stuff, I'm not aligning with it. I can't. I can't like through the coat. In the coaching world you're taught to seek your inner wisdom. I think we, I think we can find Jesus there. I think Jesus speaks to us like internally. But you can't say to someone that you are enough, you are um, like you have everything you need to be healthy and happy inside of you, if you leave out the Jesus part right.
Speaker 2:Like that's the whole point of this whole thing.
Speaker 2:Like yeah that's why I'm here today, because Jesus literally was the answer to all of my questions that I had. And so, um, I, I wasn't aligning with that anymore. I couldn't do that, um, and so, yeah I, I went forward. Last, it was last spring and summer, um, so that's when I found the podcast and love reality, at the perfect time, the right time, when I decided this new age thing isn't working. I'm, I'm going to, I'm really going to know Jesus. I really want to know Jesus now. I want to know what this is all about, and yeah, so you listen to Tyler's episode, the first one.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And this is off the strength of Savannah. She was talking about the death.
Speaker 2:I think she had shared her podcast episode at some point and that's how I knew about the podcast. So for some reason, I don't know how, I thought I must have found love reality through her podcast link or something, because I think I looked at the podcast and was like oh, there's this link for Love Reality, what is this? And then I found the Bible studies and I was kind of creeping on the Bible studies for a while, not super consistently.
Speaker 1:I didn't call you out. That doesn't sound like me.
Speaker 2:I think I would have called you out. Probably. I feel like you did ask me where I was from or if it was my first time, Because I think I was on Made like a few times but I wasn't consistent. Okay. But I was consistently listening to the podcasts. So, starting like sometime last summer, continuously just this podcast. This is it, Just at the life. I didn't listen to any of my self-help stuff or anything else that I was listening to before I was hooked.
Speaker 1:So what were you growing in as you were listening to all these episodes then?
Speaker 2:It's hard, Richard, because I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. I just knew I wanted what these people had.
Speaker 2:Hmm these people had, um, like I was tired of striving, I was tired of tired of continually falling short of my standards or God's standard, and like feeling that he was disappointed in me. Um, I wanted that, that underlying sense of peace and security, um, and all the stories like that. It just got things turning in my mind and, um, I was kind of waiting for a moment, like something. You know, I think it had been so like leading up to this year. I'm, like you know, dozens of podcasts in and I'm like I still feel like I'm missing something.
Speaker 2:I think I shared that in the group on Facebook, like I don't know, like I was, I was believing it. I believed it from the beginning because I love with the freedom from sin thing, like 100%, because that's something I always believed in as a kid. It was maybe more in that side of perfectionistic, but this was just a different way of looking at it. So my gears are turning and I'm kind of processing it. Processing it and, yeah, agreeing with a lot of the things that you guys were teaching and everything. On the podcast episode.
Speaker 1:Was there anything that we taught that like kind of rocked your world a little bit, or was it just all like okay, okay, this is starting to make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah, nothing really crazy that I was like, oh, I don't agree with that. I think that maybe the biggest thing was like believing that we are like righteous, holy, without having to prove that. It's like a different way of looking at it. So the way that I explain it is our actions and our works. So the way that I explain it is our actions and our works. They're a product of our faith. They're a product of our, of what Jesus did and us accepting that it's not. It's not. So the things that we're doing, our works, are not a means to the end, so it's the end to the means, which was Jesus Christ. So it's a natural consequence or a natural outcome of the gospel.
Speaker 2:It just starts to show up in your life without so much effort and gritting your teeth and, like God, I'm going to try harder, I'm going to seek you more, I'm going to pray more, I'm going to do better, all I'm going to do better. You know, all those things we resolved to do kind of in vain, um, and so that, yeah, that was really intriguing to me because I spent my whole life just kind of going back and forth and thinking that like I wasn't enough. Um, also, my um, self image was pretty messed up, so lacking a lot of confidence, um, second guessing myself all the time. And so there was a huge lack of security there, huge insecurity, which is why I relied on other people to provide that for me through affirmation, through encouragement, through physical affection, whatever, depending on who it was my husband or my friends and family. And so there was a huge void there, something I didn't even know about.
Speaker 2:I had no idea, richard, I idea until I was listening to Beezus episode and he was talking at the very end about being worthy of God's love and being unapologetically royal, and and I didn't even realize what was happening because, like I said, I was kind of waiting for this moment. I didn't know if it was going to come, like, I didn't know if there was something more that I was missing. Well, that night I'm laying in bed after finishing this episode and I'm listening to Christian song Uh two zero two, 23,. 23 is called. It's the death to life.
Speaker 1:You know why it's called that song?
Speaker 2:You know, I 23 is called it's the death to life.
Speaker 1:You know why it's called that song. You know I got married right that day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the day that he got married. I had to find out. I went on their instagram and I'm listening to the song on a repeat, repeat, repeat, like like. It's not so much that the words were like like uh, mind-blowing or anything, it was the spirit behind the song was hitting me and I'm laying there in bed and I'm, like you know, leading up to this point I missed kind of a part of the story.
Speaker 2:Sorry, ruth, ruth, ellen, she I worked with her from like January of last year, or like for a few months over the winter. Um, you know, it would have been spring, would have been spring, cause it was after I started getting involved in this stuff and my big thing was there's something stopping me from intimacy with God, there's a wall, like I can't sing, I can't go to him, I'm afraid. Like I knew he had shown me, he had shown me previously that I was safe with him and that I was his daughter. But I hadn't fully accepted that yet and I didn't know what that fully meant. And so I reached out to Ruth and I said I want, I know that the secret place is the answer and I want to know how I can get there, because if I can get there. All my questions can be answered there. And so she worked with me for a few months and we worked through a lot of things. A lot of that was shame that was holding me back from God. It's this underlying shame that I carried from my past story, which I, you know, shared, and that was stopping me from going to God even now, like years and years and years later. That was stopping me from going to God even now, like years and years and years later, because I had allowed that to separate me from him. I had allowed that fear of disappointing him, or that I was a disappointment Like.
Speaker 2:I ultimately felt that I was flawed as an individual, and so I had been spending some time in the secret place leading up to this, lots of beautiful realizations and sweet moments with God, which I think laid the framework for this moment. So I'm laying in bed after listening to this episode, listening to this song, and I'm like God. I just wish I could like go get my journal and my Bible, and, and it was late, late at night. So I'm with my kids in the bedroom and my husband's on a trip and I'm like God, I want, I want to spend time with you in the secret place, like I wish I could go and do that right now, but I'm in bed and whatever, like, because his spirit was there and he literally, like poured his love out over me and all I knew in that moment was that I was worthy of his love. Like my whole life I always was.
Speaker 2:I wanted people to make me feel loved. So I would ask my husband every day, like, do you love me? Do you love me Like ew? Like I did that all the time and it never filled me. I never believed it because I didn't actually believe I was worthy of love. I didn't think I was lovable, like at a core level, at my innermost being. And God came to me in that very moment that he poured his spirit over me and showed me that I was worthy of his love because I'm his daughter and that's all that matters. I'm not worthy of his love because of my performance or attaining a certain level of achievement, or following all the rules or seeking him enough Like. I am simply loved by him. And you know, like I knew my parents loved, loved me, but I felt like they had to because they were my parents it's in the contract right.
Speaker 2:but yeah, it was like this deep lie that I never knew I was living in an unworthiness and I never knew how it was affecting everything else. And so, in this moment, god took my heart and like, like, healed it and like poured his love into me and filled me up to this point of just overflowing. I'm crying there in bed, like crying and crying.
Speaker 2:It was late there in bed, like crying and crying, for it was late, it was like one in the morning and just soaking it in and believing it and accepting it, and I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy. Just it kept over and over like filling me and just I can't even describe it because it was such a Holy Spirit experience it's hard to put into words. But that next day I knew I was different, like something had majorly shifted and that is what was missing. I didn't even realize I was believing, I wasn't worthy of love, and so being able to fully experience and accept God's love for me has now allowed me to love other people my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, coworkers, complete strangers. Because it's not coming from like my effort anymore, because I have this overflowing well spring of life to give, because Christ is in me and because I've been loved so well, I'm able to share that with others now. And it's crazy because just a week or two before this happened, I had written in my journal life and death, and I was able to write a lot of things in there, all the things I was struggling with Lack of confidence, lust. The lust was like the lusting after romance, not necessarily like sexual stuff, but like I want to be loved and held and special to someone and, um, there's so many things anger, some rage that I was dealing with, like in my parenting. Um, yeah, it's hard, it's so crazy because my brain, like once, I'm in a certain reality. It's hard for me to go back and like explain what that previous experience was, because I'm in this brand new mind space. But all I know is, after that experience, I was able to write down, like in that that empty page of life and freedom that I couldn't, that I couldn't write in at that time. I was able to fill it up in like minutes, just a few minutes. This page is full. In like minutes, just a few minutes. This page is full. It's like I have confidence, I, I can love people. I don't need anything from anybody in order to feel worthy or valued. Like that's just built in now, like I have that and I received that.
Speaker 2:And I tried to find my journal because I wanted to like look at it to remind myself of all the things, because so much has changed. But I had actually sat down, like shortly after this time and at my piano, and started writing a song about how everything changed. When he called me worthy yeah, when he called me worthy, um, yeah, so it was about a month of like this. I don't know like I felt so clear and it had so much peace, like it was like this, um, like it's still there, but it was really intense for like that first month. It was like this beautiful picture of like god saying like you can like live heaven on earth, ultimately, like this is, this is what it's like to have you know, to be walking in my kingdom, um, and, yeah, just, and the crazy thing is, my mom noticed, she, she saw me, I was doing a baby shower for my sister and she's like I don't know, maybe was doing a baby shower for my sister and she's like I don't know, maybe I'm reading into things, but you seem happy, like something. Yeah, you seem happy and I'm like I am. I'll tell you about it.
Speaker 2:And a few days later I told her and and if you, you know people who don't know me, like I, when I'm excited about something and I'm kind of going off the handle, like I'll, like I can't control myself because I'm, like you know, so excited and I want to share stuff with people and I can get a little bit like sensational. But with this it was like deep rooted, grounded and I was able to just look at her and be like, yep, I am different, and I'll tell you why. In a few days and I did I told them what happened. My parents and I knew that like week after week that went by and it was still just this, yeah, beautiful new reality that I was walking in.
Speaker 2:You know, like I think it's normal like for some lies to kind of try to creep back in or like previous habits to show up, but I'm able to look at them from a place of security now and like I just security. Security was literally the answer to all the questions I had about lack of confidence and feeling insecure around people and, um, just, yeah, like my purpose and all of these things, I am secure in God and I am living from that place now and I'm at peace because of it. And so now, if I have a disagreement with my husband, it's not a dig to me, it's not that, oh, I'm an inconvenience or I'm starting to believe this horrible lie about myself, because I, you know like I don't feel a certain way. You know my husband's not making me feel a certain way, because I know what's true about me now. Wow.
Speaker 1:How long was this before you came to Nebraska? How long was this before you?
Speaker 2:came to Nebraska, so it was April 24th of this year and Nebraska was like the 4th of July, so a couple months yeah.
Speaker 1:When you came out and you saw us all in person and you're hanging out. Was there an impact with that? Like seeing that we were not just on the internet?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, yeah, I mean it was such a fun trip.
Speaker 2:It was it. I was so excited and actually the story about how that came about and my dad being able to come is so cool, but, like I was able to, it solidified in me like what I was seeing in the community, like the realness and the transformation in people's lives, how real it was and also just how, you know, loving everyone was um, there was no room for. Um. Uh, what's the Bible study called on Tuesdays? Um, yeah, there's no room for it. There was no room for offense, like it was just. Yeah, like the. I could totally tell that everything I had seen from the Bible studies and the podcast was real and legit and I also felt like I was able to find my voice again. Um, being able to just have all these conversations with people and pour into some people and also to be poured into, like that was such a blessing.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it was amazing so where are we going back to? Where's? Where's the old kaylee that you would want to talk to? Is it the newlywed old kaylee or is it the boy, crazy old Kaylee? If you could pick a time to go back to talk to old Kaylee, what time period would you? Would you go to?
Speaker 2:It's crazy because I always think about if I had the presence of mind that I have now, like in that time my life would have gone in a totally different direction. But like Shame filled.
Speaker 1:Kaylee breaking up with her boyfriend Kaylee.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Contract Kaylee.
Speaker 2:I think I would have just said, I think I would have just said you, your worth and your value, like you have inherent value. You don't need that from anybody else, because God sees you, god loves you, you're his daughter, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter if you mess up Like he's still there. He's not sitting there like crossing his arms and giving you the cold shoulder, waiting for you to feel sorry enough and to get into shape so that you can come back to him.
Speaker 1:He's not disappointed in you. Yeah, kayla, you've been a blessing to us in the community, on Internet Church, on the Bible studies and just meeting you in person, I think, meeting you in person I just saw just this life and just this energy and just this love for, like you could tell, you've been loved and I think it was like. I think it was in Nebraska where I found out that you, like you, weren't Adventist and I thought that was the coolest thing ever and I think hearing your story and how you came across us and what a blessing this platform has been, that makes this whole thing worth it and it's humbling, and I'm sure that this story is going to touch people in the same way. So thank you for sharing your story and just receiving the love of God, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Maybe one day we'll get your pop on here and your mom. That might be fun.
Speaker 1:That would be awesome man receiving the fact that you are worthy to be loved because you are a child of the king. If you're struggling with that, this prayer is for you. Father, thank you. I struggle sometimes to believe what you have done because of my past, but thank you that you have thrown that all away and that I'm a new creature in you. I believe it and receive it in Jesus's name, amen. Kaylee was mentioning the Made New podcast. It's Wednesdays at nine o'clock, central 930, central. We'd love for you to join us. Uh, text made new to the love reality number. You can find that in the show notes. We would love to see you there. Uh, love y'all, appreciate y'all. Bye.