What if understanding your personal thresholds could be the key to enhanced mental and emotional well-being? Join us on the Islamic Life Coach School Podcast as we explore this transformative concept. We'll uncover how these invisible boundaries act as a buffer between our most grounded selves and our more reactive states.
Our discussion will also delve into the role of self-awareness and divine guidance. By embracing Quranic wisdom on speaking with kindness and recognizing your boundaries without judgment, you'll learn to elevate your tolerance and improve your overall well-being.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
What if understanding your personal thresholds could be the key to enhanced mental and emotional well-being? Join us on the Islamic Life Coach School Podcast as we explore this transformative concept. We'll uncover how these invisible boundaries act as a buffer between our most grounded selves and our more reactive states.
Our discussion will also delve into the role of self-awareness and divine guidance. By embracing Quranic wisdom on speaking with kindness and recognizing your boundaries without judgment, you'll learn to elevate your tolerance and improve your overall well-being.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1:
My main intention behind this podcast is if you don't already know is for you to gain your sense of wellness, mental and emotional well-being, and create a sense of thriving. And in that pursuit today I want to help you understand what you are capable of sustaining, what your breaking points are, what your limits are, when you do start to go in a fight and flight response, when to recognize that and when to get out of it from start to finish, all of it. And the reason I want to do this is because people go through their entire lives thinking they're at the mercy of other people around them. The things outside of them determine their reactions. Women live all of their lives being very disempowered and helpless. One way to gain that empowerment back is to define when you're reaching the threshold of your limits, and this is a concept that nobody really clarifies for themselves, but is extremely important. So what I'm going to define today is like your boundaries, sort of limits, and I'm going to call it your threshold. This threshold defines the distinction between two states of being that you're going to be encountering Either you're being your best self, the one that's grounded, understanding, evolved, or when you're not and you're being the opposite of it. The threshold that I'm talking about is sort of a boundary between these two states. That I'm talking about is sort of a boundary between these two states. It's a border and, for the sake of getting into practice, of taking care of your own well-being, I want you guys to think of it as a set point of no return, meaning, once you've crossed this threshold, you've stepped over the boundary, you have gone into the other state of the primal self. And when you've crossed this threshold, through the point of no return and entered the primal state, you will have to use a completely different set of guidelines and rules for yourself to keep yourself from doing anything regrettable. You will have to implement a completely different set of strategies when you are in one state versus the other, when you're in a state of reactivity strategies, when you are in one state versus the other. When you're in a state of reactivity state, when emotions are high and thinking brain does not really offer anything helpful, you know that you are in primal state of being.
Speaker 1:
To clarify what kind of state I'm describing here, imagine you take two strong magnets, you put them at a certain distance apart from each other on a table and you start to move one magnet closer to the other. There will come a point after which the magnet forcefully attracts the other and no matter how slowly you are approaching the threshold, once you cross it the magnet attaching themselves to each other is inevitable. Think of this invisible border as a threshold, your line between you and your default self. Inshallah, with this example it's clear enough, because I'm about to introduce a twist.
Speaker 1:
Magnets, depending on their strength of field of attraction, are constant. You can define certain boundaries around a magnet. That's called their magnetic field. All of it defines its threshold. If you influence that magnet with different environments, the magnetic field will change. If you expose the magnet to higher temperature, it will have a weaker magnetic field. If you expose it to cooler temperatures, the magnetic field will become more concentrated and stronger. But this is not a lesson in physics, this is a lesson in your wellness. What does it have to do with you? Just like, depending on the context of the magnet, the threshold of the magnetic field changes, your threshold of how much you can tolerate also changes Meaning. You're able to tolerate more of the kid's nonsensical fighting. When you're just returning from a vacation it almost seems cute, but after a long day of work their smallest argument becomes nerve-wracking. And I'm going to give you more examples to help you embody and understand this concept more. But just so we can do a quick recap.
Speaker 1:
Thresholds are boundaries that are borders, limits that are defined by the difference between your more evolved and composed, grounded self and your more de-evolved, reactive, primal self. These thresholds are psychological constructs, they are not physical entities. But that does not make them less important than any physical boundary. Just because they're intangible does not make them less important than any physical boundary. Just because they're intangible does not make them less important. If anything, it makes them more important. So your threshold fluctuates depending on the context. This fluctuation makes it difficult to identify your threshold makes them more elusive, easy to ignore. But the threshold always exists because you are a human.
Speaker 1:
Understanding and respecting these boundaries is important for your well-being. So think of thresholds as both being solid and tangible, because they do exist for you, but they're also fluid and flexible within you, depending on your context. If you're in pain from a physical injury, discomfort from your monthly cycles or have chronic pain issues, you might notice that with every flare-up of your pain, you will have a less of a threshold to deal with the rest of life issues. You will be easily triggered into a primal default state. All of this determines what might trigger a strong reaction from you in one setting would barely affect you in another setting. Understanding and acknowledging these intrapersonal differences will help you respect your own limits, because without you knowing and respecting your own limits, you cannot ask others to respect them. And that, my friend, is the whole point of understanding thresholds as it relates to your well-being. So when you're thinking of a threshold as a boundary, as a wall that you cross over, after which your primal protected system engages into action and no, that's not a bad thing, it's a protective mechanism which plays a very important role in your protection when you clearly understand your boundaries in each situation, you can communicate them well. So we're not undermining this protective design. We're not judging ourselves for being in the primal state or the fact that Allah created us in this way. What we're doing is figuring out when we get there, how we got there, how long do we have to stay there? For what signs do we have to understand that we are in such a state and how to come back to a more regulated state if we want to?
Speaker 1:
Everyone has a different threshold of when their primal system kicks into gear. Think about how you respond differently to a jump scare in a horror movie, because one other person might find it thrilling and laughable, even while other person will be genuinely terrified, and I'm one of those people who cannot stand horror movies because of that reason. Think of your threshold as solid, flexible structures that create a barrier between two states. One is a thinking, cognitive, reasoning, aware, in control state. The other one is a reactive, instinctual, automatic, out of control state where your primal responses take over. In that state, you're unable to think, unable to reason yourself out of this state. Usually, this is not the place where you're going to choose to stay in, because this is where most of your regrettable actions will arise. So the sooner you identify that you've crossed over your threshold, the sooner you can put measures into place that do not cause any further damage and that give you grace.
Speaker 1:
When an animalistic response kicks into gear, you are purely reactive. So I was watching a recent video and a woman was startled by her husband, who was actually hiding in a big garbage can and she was going out to throw the garbage out. He jumped out to scream in a scary mask and she screamed so hard and her reactive, instinctual action was to punch him in the face. He fell over so hard that he tipped over the garbage can and he broke the fence as he fell through it. This punching reaction was obviously reactive out of the primal sense of protection. In any other given circumstance she was never going to punch her husband. Her threshold was for sure reached. She was just so scared that she reflexively punched. And, of course, in this case the primal response is that of fight, where you gather up the energy to engage your opponent. Some people might have that of a flight response, some other people might completely pass out, which is the primal response of playing dead.
Speaker 1:
I give you this example to just clarify what a threshold looks like in each context. Start by understanding your own threshold, what it means for you as a person. When do you cross over to the other state? Is it later than usual compared to others? Is it later than usual for you in one context versus the other? A high threshold means that that point of no return is higher for you than others. A low threshold means the opposite that you will pass into the other state earlier than the norm, and there's no such thing as norm. Whenever you do, it is completely normal for you. Something that helps me immensely in my life is remembering that there's nothing wrong with a high or a low threshold. There's nothing wrong with me being able to tolerate some things one day and not the next.
Speaker 1:
Your tolerance response does not add or take away from your worthiness as a human. You do not have to push through and bury your emotions and pretend your thresholds don't exist just so you can portray a higher tolerance when you clearly don't have it. Define your thresholds to yourself and accept it fully and completely so, if you want, you can start to heal from them, especially if they're dysfunctional. My threshold of being scared from a scary movie is very, very low. I do not find it funny and I'm going to keep it that way. That is not a dysfunctional threshold. It does not need my work. It does not need my attention. I just choose not to watch horror movies. It might be something completely different for you. All you have to do is identify where you can make space for your thresholds, where they're becoming dysfunctional and you want to work on them.
Speaker 1:
The Quran advises believers to speak with kindness and clarity. In the Quran, surah Baqarah, ayah 83, and speak to people with good words. Communicating your boundaries is about being clear and kind in your interactions. If you don't understand your threshold, you cannot communicate them. If you cross over to your threshold, into a primal self and you're being reactive reactive and you say something out of anger that is not speaking to people gently All of these are reasons why you might want to identify your limits and your thresholds. Let's say, for example, you've gotten ready to go to a barbecue, you've gotten your kids ready, you've gotten the house ready to come back to a clean house and then, when you get there, looking forward to eating the good food, your toddler clings to you with dear life because she has social anxiety. While yesterday she might have been clinging to you for hours and you might have found it cute, but today it makes you frustrated because you're hungry. Give yourself acceptance and space for what is happening. Understanding that your threshold today is lower because of your expectations, because of your hunger response, all that will do is help you understand why you are acting the way you're acting, regardless of what the toddler is doing, and then, if you want, you can communicate, ask for help, knowing how much you can tolerate in this given moment and with practice these moments will become more predictable where you can arrange for the toddler to sleep during that hour or ask your husband to feed you and make you a plate, especially if the toddler only wants you.
Speaker 1:
There are multiple measures you can put into place once you start to make space for yourself. Your homework here is identify three thresholds for yourself this week and three next week and identify the context with each threshold. Let's say it looks like I was working on disrupted sleep. I couldn't do my morning dhikr, so when the kids didn't get out of bed for school, I got very irritated and yelled at them. Your understanding of this context might be that I have a low threshold or default response when I'm sleep deprived. Just take a note of it. Or let's say I prepare for the exam, but it got canceled because of extreme weather and now they're scheduling for a date when I was planning on traveling. I have a low threshold for changing plans. It puts me into reactivity and frustration.
Speaker 1:
All of this is just an exercise in recognition. With practice, you can announce your threshold way ahead of time and accurately predict them. You can put measures into place so that the situation never comes into play, meaning you are preventing a situation from ever transpiring play. Meaning you are preventing a situation from ever transpiring or, if it does happen, you don't cause more damage with your actions because you recognize that you're not acting like your best self. There's no judgment here of you being in a default state. There's no judgment of you being in a high or low threshold state. These are not inherently good or bad. Your context always matters. You're just learning yourself at a deeper level. And here is the key your ability to hold space for your threshold automatically raises it. I'll repeat your ability to hold space for your threshold automatically raises it.
Speaker 1:
If you know you will not be able to tolerate the cold weather on the skiing trip, you make space for that threshold. Instead of being snippy with your family, you just get hot cocoa. You don't spend as much time on the slopes. You pack more layers for yourself. You give yourself acceptance for having the threshold that you have for cold weather. You will notice all of a sudden you're able to enjoy a lot more of that vacation than you expected. Your threshold of tolerance will become higher just by your acceptance of it. There is no inherent value in judgment, in having a high or low threshold. What matters is the context in which these thresholds will manifest. Your ability to tolerate different situations will vary greatly depending on your circumstances, and that's perfectly normal. One day you might be able to handle a crowded, noisy environment with ease, while on another day it might overwhelm you.
Speaker 1:
Identify your threshold and the context, make note of it, make space for it. The crossing over the threshold is sometimes so subtle that you can't even tell. Sometimes there are physical signs. Sometimes you notice that your mind starts to race. Sometimes you find yourself in a prolonged negative emotion like anger, resentment, avoidance. Each of these can be an indication for you that you've crossed over the threshold. And again, the key to managing these is to first define them clearly and then to accept them without judgment. Embrace your limits as a part of who you are, and that's what's going to be really important for your well-being. If you've been indoors for most of the beautiful spring season and you're craving interaction here, your threshold is low of you suffering from cabin fever. Notice, make space and then do what you want to about it.
Speaker 1:
Identify three personal thresholds this week and three next week, noticing the context for each. That's your homework. These are your personal guidelines that help you manage interactions more smoothly. When you recognize and respect these limits, you create healthier relationship, starting with yourself and then extending to those around you. You have a higher chance of living in peace and harmony.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so one important point is that these thresholds are identified to strengthen your resolve and enhance your self-awareness. They are not meant to impose your limits on others, because, while it is important that you communicate your thresholds clearly, you cannot expect others to adhere to them. The true value here lies in understanding and respecting your own boundaries, not in enforcing them forcefully on the people around you, because think of it as a personal journey towards self mastery. All you're doing is you're recognizing your limits and respecting them. You're communicating these limits to others, but all of this is independent of how others react to your communication. They might or might not follow your recommendation. Your thresholds are not a reason to enforce your limits on others. Other people's reactions to your threshold is completely independent of you actually having them. How other people respond to you and your limits does not alter your thresholds.
Speaker 1:
Okay. So, for example, suppose you've identified that you need quiet time after work to decompress and you communicate this need to your family or your roommates, but expecting them to always provide you that quiet time, and being frustrated when that doesn't happen. That is not why we are creating thresholds. There will be days when your threshold of a noisy environment will be low and your expectations might not be met. But, understanding that the primary goal is your self-awareness and not the control of others, you can prepare alternative strategies to find your peace, like going for a walk or using noise-canceling headphones, or locking the door to your room, or just sitting alone in the car before you enter the house to give yourself some space to decompress.
Speaker 1:
When you expect others to follow the exact guidelines of your threshold, you tie your emotional well-being to their actions and their respect of your limits. This dependency will lead to frustration and disappointment, because if you have a low tolerance for last-minute changes and you expect your colleagues to always plan perfectly, any sort of deviation from this expectation will cause unneeded stress. Recognizing this alone that your well-being is not to hinge on others' behavior allows you to maintain control and adapt more flexibly to changes. The whole purpose of identifying your threshold is to empower you to manage your reactions and maintain your well-being, independent of other people's behaviors. It's about you fostering a sense of self-control and inner peace, knowing that you can uphold your boundaries regardless of external circumstances. If you become easily irritated because you're hungry, keep healthy snacks at hand. There are such simple solutions that your brain will offer you when you create this framework for yourself and, ultimately, this self-awareness and respect for your threshold helps you navigate your interactions more smoothly. You will feel good about yourself when others respect your boundaries, but you won't be dependent on their compliance for your emotional stability. This is a healthy, balanced approach where your sense of well-being is anchored in your self-understanding and not in the unpredictable behaviors of others around you.
Speaker 1:
With that, I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, grant me and all of us the wisdom to understand our limits and the strength to respect them. Help me communicate my boundaries with kindness and clarity. Guide me to manage my emotions and reactions in a way that pleases you alone. O Allah, give me patience and resilience in a time of challenge, and let my self-awareness lead to a greater inner peace and well-being. Ya Allah, grant us success in this world and the afterlife through this work and above all of this, make this journey a means for all of us to get closer to you. Ya Rabb Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as I'll talk to you guys next time.
