Have you ever found yourself reflecting on an emotional misstep, perhaps a time when you reacted impulsively to a loved one, and wished you could handle it with more grace? That's where our guest Dr. Patrick Kilcarr steps in, guiding us through the maze of emotional intelligence. As the New Year beckons, we're often enticed by the allure of resolutions, but the harsh reality is that a staggering 91% of us are set up for disappointment. This episode peels back the layers of why these well-meant promises to ourselves fall apart, highlighting the critical role emotional intelligence plays in not only shaping our personal ambitions but also in enriching our relationships and professional endeavors.
Join me on Holly's Highlights podcast as we tread through the five pillars of emotional intelligence, unraveling how they interweave within the fabric of our day-to-day interactions and the importance of continuously nurturing these skills. We juxtapose the concept of EQ as a journey, not a destination, and the significance of offering ourselves and others the grace to navigate the ebbs and flows of our emotions.
To cap off this enlightening episode, we probe into the vast influence of emotional intelligence on leadership and personal success, underscoring the astonishing claim that up to 80% of our life's achievements could be tied to our EQ. It's not just about the resolutions we set but about the conscious effort to enhance our emotional faculties for a more rewarding and accomplished existence. Dr. Kilcarr's insights are a beacon for anyone looking to elevate their emotional intelligence, offering a cup of wisdom for the soul as we embark on a New Year's journey of transformation.
This episode brought to you by Hill Chiropractic Dr. Bryce Hill 801.703.3545 1035 W Bellwood Lane #100 Murray, Utah 84123 www.hill-chiropractic.com
Visit www.hollycurby.com for more information and to sign up for the monthly Holly's Happenings e-newsletter. Holly's Highlights podcast and the opinions and ideas shared within it are for entertainment purposes only. The advice should be confirmed with a qualified professional.
Have you ever found yourself reflecting on an emotional misstep, perhaps a time when you reacted impulsively to a loved one, and wished you could handle it with more grace? That's where our guest Dr. Patrick Kilcarr steps in, guiding us through the maze of emotional intelligence. As the New Year beckons, we're often enticed by the allure of resolutions, but the harsh reality is that a staggering 91% of us are set up for disappointment. This episode peels back the layers of why these well-meant promises to ourselves fall apart, highlighting the critical role emotional intelligence plays in not only shaping our personal ambitions but also in enriching our relationships and professional endeavors.
Join me on Holly's Highlights podcast as we tread through the five pillars of emotional intelligence, unraveling how they interweave within the fabric of our day-to-day interactions and the importance of continuously nurturing these skills. We juxtapose the concept of EQ as a journey, not a destination, and the significance of offering ourselves and others the grace to navigate the ebbs and flows of our emotions.
To cap off this enlightening episode, we probe into the vast influence of emotional intelligence on leadership and personal success, underscoring the astonishing claim that up to 80% of our life's achievements could be tied to our EQ. It's not just about the resolutions we set but about the conscious effort to enhance our emotional faculties for a more rewarding and accomplished existence. Dr. Kilcarr's insights are a beacon for anyone looking to elevate their emotional intelligence, offering a cup of wisdom for the soul as we embark on a New Year's journey of transformation.
This episode brought to you by Hill Chiropractic Dr. Bryce Hill 801.703.3545 1035 W Bellwood Lane #100 Murray, Utah 84123 www.hill-chiropractic.com
Visit www.hollycurby.com for more information and to sign up for the monthly Holly's Happenings e-newsletter. Holly's Highlights podcast and the opinions and ideas shared within it are for entertainment purposes only. The advice should be confirmed with a qualified professional.
Speaker 1:
Happy New Year everyone. With a new year comes New Year's resolutions and, as we've talked about before, in season four, episode one, season three, episode one, even season two, episode one the number one New Year's resolution is always health-related Lose weight, workout, build muscle, you name it. However, according to Ohio State University's Fisher College of Business, only 9% of those who make New Year's resolutions actually follow through. Why is that? Well, perhaps it's the emotions behind the New Year's resolution made. According to a Forbes article regarding our New Year's resolutions, emotional intelligence is highlighted and said to include the ability to recognize, understand, appropriately express and even regulate such emotions. Emotional intelligence helps us build stronger relationships, do well in school or at work and achieve both our career and our personal goals in life. Yes, even those New Year's resolutions. Emotional intelligence contains five elements self-awareness, self-regulation or management. Motivation, empathy and social skills. Mindtoolscom breaks emotional connection down to what they refer to as the three Cs Consciousness, so being mindful of your emotions and being self-aware, so that you can identify how your emotions impact others. Compassion this is being empathetic towards others and having the ability to identify with and understand the wants and the needs and the viewpoints of those around you. And then connectedness the ability to get along with others. Now, emotional intelligence impacts every area of our lives. In fact, it has said that IQ gets you hired but EQ gets you promoted. So as we make those New Year's resolutions this year and try to stick to them right, Perhaps we might be wise just back up a bit to learn more about those emotions behind the resolution. Now, to do that, we have a special guest joining us to help navigate this path.
Speaker 1:
Dr Patrick Kilcar has been the director of Georgetown University Center for Personal Development since 1999. He also is an adjunct professor at Georgetown University School of Continuing Studies, where he teaches in the health coaching program. He completed his PhD in human development through the Acclaimed Institute of Child Study, and all of his work is directed toward strengthening the individual with respect to his herenic talents and abilities. He has written extensively on emotional intelligence, but also addiction and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, where he coauthored an award-winning book, voices from Fatherhood, fathers, sons and ADHD. Dr Kilcar maintains a private practice in Washington DC where he offers individual, couples, group and family therapy to local residents. Welcome, dr Kilcar, we're so pleased to have you today.
Speaker 2:
Well, thank you so much for having me, holly, your intro was absolutely brilliant. I've never really heard anyone kind of put it together in that way, but yeah, I'm just extremely impressed, thank you. Oh well, thank you.
Speaker 1:
Thank you. It just seems like there is so much to encompass when it comes to emotional intelligence, so we'll dive right in into kind of that first question of what makes emotional intelligence such a powerful tool for personal transformation.
Speaker 2:
Well, if you go back to what you just said earlier, I think that really captures it. Your IQ gets you in the door. What gets you promoted Is your EQ, is that emotional quotient, that emotional ability, and why is it? It's because, again going back to what you said, why is it that 9% of us start with this New Year's resolution and really don't complete it and don't finish it? It's not intellectual that when we begin it and most of us I don't know what that percentage is actually do begin it and then something stops it. And what stops it? It's an emotional reaction to what we're doing and what's happening, and that emotional reaction may then transfer into negative thinking. Or what's the point? Or I've done it this long. What difference does it make? Even though, whatever that resolution is, we know would allow us to experience a little bit more balance, or more balance in our life, the emotional piece guides really what we do relationally, not the intellect.
Speaker 2:
And I once had a young woman come in to see me. She was professional, she's in Washington DC, she's in a relationship, and she said you know, my life is really remarkable and I have gratitude every day for it. I love it and I love my partner. However, when he does a particular thing that is not malicious, it's not mean, but he does it in my presence, I begin to see red. I just begin yelling and screaming and he looks at me like who are you? Like? Dr Jack will miss hi. What is going on here?
Speaker 2:
And she said I have to figure out what this is because I don't know how long the shelf life is gonna be with any relationship. But this kind of thing goes on, and certainly it comes from the arc of our development, from growing up, the people that were in our lives family, friends and others and no matter who we are, holly, and where we come from, there's some element of trauma all of us have had to try to push through, and if that trauma is unresolved, it finds its way into our present life, probably differently than when it occurred, but in that kind of hot, difficult, overwhelming way that this woman was talking about. So emotions matter, and if I'm the CEO throwing a coffee cup at somebody across the executive table, how long am I really gonna be in that particular position? Not that long, and so how we are with people and what we do with people completely matters.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely. Now you touched a little bit on the woman that came into your office, so comment, maybe tap into that a little bit more, about how that emotional intelligence can benefit individuals in those personal relationships.
Speaker 2:
Sure. So let's just look at what she really came in for. Here's somebody that has, by all intents and purposes, a great life, and yet this one piece is beginning to eclipse it, and so part of it was inviting her to do this, and that is, imagine putting your ear to the train track. Now, you can't hear the train, you can't see the train, but you feel the vibration it's coming, and so part of it is this person, and it's true of all of us learning. What is the trigger? What is our body doing as we begin moving toward being angry or outraged or whatever it is? And the vibration is there. We just have to be able to give ourselves permission to feel it, to see it, and then, once that begins, we can choose to have a different reaction, emotionally and in all sorts of different ways. We can begin breathing, like in yoga, you know, through our nose, lungs and diaphragm, and we hold it for a moment and we exhale through our mouth, and in doing that, no matter what we're feeling, it's remarkable in just bringing down our emotional set. It just allows us to feel more balance at the moment and to think about, in that more balanced place, what is going on. What do I need to say how do I need to react? So the anger may be there. It's not about not being angry.
Speaker 2:
I think anger is a really important part of who we are in the world, because it suggests one of two things Either my needs are not being met or my expectations are not. What about that is happening, so that I can own it and then share with the person what's going on? You know, I heard a statistic that I thought was unbelievable and yet very, very true in terms of what I see in the world in this privileged chair that I sit in. If you think about what percentage of people in our culture, when they're angry, actually say to the person in front of them, you know what you said or did was really uncool, it didn't feel good. I just want to let you know that.
Speaker 2:
What percentage of people do you think acknowledge what they're feeling and say something to the person in front of them? It is very small, yeah, 2%. So where's the 98% going? It's going into passive, aggressive behavior. It's going into aggressive, blowing up type behavior. It's going into withdrawing emotionally from what's happening or self-blame. That's where it goes, rather than being able to acknowledge what we're feeling and say it to the person that what happens is it just goes to another place and therefore it doesn't go away. It just emotionally begins stacking in our life in a way. That's not. I mean. It's not only not helpful, it's just not healthy. I mean, imagine if you have a backpack that's completely empty and you take a little pebble and drop it in it and it's on your back. What do you feel? Nothing. But you keep dropping those pebbles in that backpack over time and your legs are going to start shaking, your back is going to start aching. It just begins to take a toll. So I talk a lot with people from an emotional perspective about what is it you're feeling, what's going on and what do you really need to do with it in order to feel more balanced. So withdrawing or doing something passive-aggressive, that's not going to do it.
Speaker 2:
I had a guy come in and see me once and he said you know I don't understand it. My wife occasionally forgets to pick me up at the train station. And you know I said well, how far do you have to walk Because you can't walk? It's a long way from home. And he goes. I still understand it and I said have you asked her and he goes, yeah, but she doesn't really come up with anything.
Speaker 2:
And then so we began kind of peeling it back and excavating a little bit of what goes on, and, as it turned out that he would travel into work almost every day with her, and he dropped her off and then he'd go to his office and then he'd pick her up and they'd go home, but because of his job, sometimes he had to travel in earlier by train, and the days that he went in by train without her, she forgot to pick him up Every single time, and while it's kind of nutty and crazy, it's very passive-aggressive. You know, this woman is absolutely hurt that her husband isn't there with and with her on this nice journey into the office to talk about what they do and share and start the day together, so that she just would forget, and. But that's the kind of stuff that goes on. It's sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it's not. It is, though, extremely based in emotion, not the intellect.
Speaker 1:
And I think that brings up a valid point too, if sometimes we're not even aware of it. I know one of the top things I'm constantly asked to speak or train about with businesses besides customer service would be that of this emotional intelligence. So how is emotional intelligence impacting us at work or even in our leadership roles?
Speaker 2:
Ah, fantastic question, and it's constantly. And I'm going to give you one hot off the press. Yesterday, in a staff meeting at work, one of my colleagues was across the table and she asked something to be done, not of me per se, but she kind of put it out in the middle of the group and nobody latched onto it. So it just she kind of said this and then she was essentially blown off and I watched her and she just really became quiet, turned into herself, and after the meeting, you know, like a little imprinted chicken, I walked behind her into her office. I said can we talk for a second? She said sure. I said what just?
Speaker 2:
happened, you know, in the meeting. She goes what do you mean? I said, come on, you know what I mean. She goes. You saw that. I said, yeah, I saw it. And what I also saw is that you put out something that for you was really important and no one seemed to say anything, including me, and that you just kind of collapsed on it and walked away from it. And she goes yeah, I can't believe it, but that's really true. And she goes and I said what do you want to do with it? She goes well, we're going to get back together later in the day and I'd like to bring it back up.
Speaker 2:
I said sure, it's this piece that when we're wounded, particularly at work, do we give ourselves permission to talk about what was wounding us. You know a project that we've worked really hard on, that we put all of our time and effort into that. We lay out for everybody and it's kind of a that people react to it in a vanilla kind of way, and what we were hoping is people would pick us up over their shoulders and, yeah, this is freaking, the best thing I've ever seen and is that realistic? I don't know, but part of it is is for us to really be aware of when things are happening professionally to us. What is the feeling, what is really going on? And if it's a negative feeling, it doesn't mean that you always necessarily say something to someone. It's more of what is it, what are my expectations around it or what is happening? And, based on those expectations, what I'm feeling, does that really make sense in terms of doing or saying something about it? So it doesn't mean we always just pipe up when we're feeling something. We want to hold it, I think, in relation to what exactly is happening internally with us regarding, you know, what we want, what we feel, the outcome that we want to see, if that makes sense, because it's doing a bit of our own due diligence at the moment and what are we really feeling and what's going on?
Speaker 2:
And in this case, you know my colleague had every right to be. I've been working on this, I put it out here and everybody's grabbing donuts and talking about stuff other than what I'm talking about. So it matters how we feel. And here's the other piece, and probably everybody listening this can relate If we're at work or whatever we're doing, and we feel undernourished, we feel taken advantage of, we feel unheard and we drink it in, we withdraw or we don't do anything about it. That's there and that pain at some level is there and it's got to come out somehow. So if I go home and then my daughter or my son or my dog or my cat whatever it may be does something to irritate me, I'm going to blow up and the punishment doesn't fit the crime. There's no reason for that. But that buildup and that anger and that stuff that we try to stuff down will invariably come up somewhere sometime.
Speaker 1:
Every night at dinner our family sits around the dinner table and one of those is still very valued. That and make that a priority, and we talk about what was the worst part about your day and then what was the best part about your day? And one of the reasons I ask about the worst part of that day is I want to know, kind of, what they're dealing with, what's laying on them, and also it helps me understand those moods. Or, yeah, if something comes out, it's like, oh, that's probably kind of residual coming from this type thing, but then always end on a good note of what was good about your day, because of course, we just like to focus on the positive also, but I think that's so good for me.
Speaker 1:
Personally, I definitely see how sometimes I will withdraw when it's like, oh, that kind of hurt for a moment. But one of my staple, I guess, statements that I would say is I'll say this is the hill I'm willing to die on and that is my passionate hey guys, listen up, this is important to me type thing and trying to communicate that. So it's a very interesting take there. Now, what are some of the common misconceptions about emotional intelligence and how do you address them?
Speaker 2:
Well, I think the misperceptions that people have about emotional intelligence is that emotional intelligence is a destination, that once I become emotionally intelligent, I'm always emotionally intelligent, which is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, being an emotionally intelligent person is a day in, day out, 24, 7, 365 journey, and there are days where we feel particularly good in our own body and we feel our emotional set is really working and we're on point, and there are other days we don't. The other day, my nine year old daughter said something was going on. She goes you know, dad, you really didn't deal with that very well and I said yeah, I agree, I really didn't and we talked about it. But you know, but I really love you anyway. Writing books about it or learning about it, that's all nice and that's very intellectual Living it, being able to really be in a space of harnessing all of our energies and harnessing our feelings.
Speaker 2:
It's like Tesla not the Tesla, the car company Tesla, the, the Nicholas Tesla with harnessing this energy for the first time probably ever and understanding what it means and what he can do with it, and when we harness our ability to really be emotionally aware not necessarily what we're going to do with it, but to be aware of it. All of a sudden, we put ourselves in a place where anything is possible, I think relationally and their moments were me and everybody listening to this we just fall short of it for all kinds of different reasons. And being able to be reminded of it kind of what you do at the dinner table at night with your family About what really didn't go well today and what really went well. And ending on that, how wonderful, because you give everybody the opportunity to talk about Was there a wound that occurred today and, if so, how did you manage it? What happened? What went on? Where is it now? Right, and then to be able to kind of put their stake in the top of the mountain after they climbed and say what was the best part of your day?
Speaker 2:
It's, it's being able to be in a place of feeling, moment to moment, that we really do have the ability to harness this energy that really is our emotions, because that's what it is. It's energy, and it spills out in lots of different ways. So the misperception is that if I see somebody who is emotionally intelligent and we may not be able to describe what emotional intelligence says, but we definitely know when we see it because we feel it in somebody, but when that person doesn't act emotionally intelligent, we just kind of go. Well, maybe I had it all wrong. This person really isn't. No, they probably are there in this pursuit daily of being the best they can be, with all of this stuff saddled on them from the moment they came into this world to this moment in time. And we I think we at that moment to give people some grace about just being human and really trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we all have our off days, right yeah?
Speaker 2:
All of us, every one of us.
Speaker 1:
Now, with all of this feeling, as you've tapped into, how can emotional intelligence help individuals navigate difficult emotions or those difficult feelings?
Speaker 2:
Well, so there a book that I had that came out last August called Leading an Emotionally Intelligent Life. It's based on this instrument called the EQI. Now, people don't really have to know about the EQI to really get a lot out of the book. Within the book it talks about 15 competencies and their competencies that you, me and everybody on this planet operate out of every day. And what I mean by competencies they're self-regard. How do I feel about Patrick today? What's going on that allows me to feel good or not feel so good? How assertive am I in the world, and what does that mean? How emotionally independent am I in the world, and what does that mean? Am I optimistic? Am I impulsive? These things that every day, in one way or another, are happening in our life. So when people take the EQI, there's this page three and on page three there are the 15 competencies and within the 15 competencies there's this symmetry between all of them, kind of like, if you will, a spider web. Some are more closely connected and other more distally, but they're connected and it's being able to kind of look at. What does it mean for me to be an emotionally intelligent person in regards to how I see myself? And let me kind of give you an idea of self-regard. Self-regard when I look at it, I listen for it Now, I don't see it, but I listen for it.
Speaker 2:
In terms of how do people think about themselves and where they are in the world. Meaning does the dial move toward being negative, neutral or positive, and oftentimes, when people feel stuck or they're uncertain or they're not sure what to do, that dial has moved more to the negative, and by negative I mean this is, I can't do this. This is ridiculous. What am I thinking? Why am I pretending? The imposter syndrome? If anybody really knew me, even though I look really great, they'd run for cover.
Speaker 2:
All of these things go on in our brain and I don't believe, any time we have negative thoughts, that they serve us in any way. They don't. And so moving that dial from thinking negatively to thinking positively is really critical, and in fact, it's exactly what you do at the dinner table. What kind of wasn't great today? Essentially, what kind of sucked in your life today? And then, what about it? Did you just really slam, dunk it?
Speaker 2:
And let's look at it. Moving that dial based on the individual can be either something fairly fluid and easy or really difficult, and for most of us it's difficult Because those negative thoughts are things that have come to us through our relationships and growing up, things that we've heard going to school and being bullied, all of these things. That's where it's all captured in our adult brain. That little person is alive and well in that negative thinking. And to get rid of that as quickly as humanly possible and for people to begin to experience and it does mean being in their final cortex, but experience, thinking about who and what they are in a way that's life-affirming, that's giving and that's positive.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that, I think, was just my light bulb moment, because I'm thinking back to those that I've worked with, specifically on emotional intelligence or business. As I've said, I need you to help this person or that person on their EDQ. You've just nailed it, you've just nailed their self-talk, you've nailed their approach to things and conversations. So that was my light bulb moment. So, thank you so much, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
And bravo. On Monday, I was talking with the CEO of a company here in DC I mean a big company and in this moment she said to me you know, I live under this enormous umbrella of fear, and the fear is that at some moment I'm going to be found out. This woman is. I mean, I don't even know if there's a scale for how smart this woman is. She's just off the charts smart. She's been lovely. As smart as she is, she's just a remarkable leader. However, she let this kind of pop out and I said so what is this fear like? And she began to talk about it, and she began to put it out there, and she began to show how it really shows up in her life. And so we talked about it where it came from.
Speaker 2:
What would it be like if that fear really were not there in her life? How would it change things for her? And why? The fear being there serves what purpose? And it serves a purpose that she's now spending time beginning to think about. It's there for a reason, and. But I shared with her this story and I heard it years ago and it's a kind of an American Indian war, but I thought it was just so powerful when I heard it. When I heard it.
Speaker 2:
And it's his grandfather, american Indian grandfather, taking his grandson and his granddaughter on this journey. And they're on this journey and he sees them sitting down by this river and the water's flowing over the rocks and they're dangling their feet in the water and he goes, you know, to himself. I have to share with them what I'm going through. So he goes down and he sits with them. He said I want to share with you too what's going on inside of me. And there's a war inside of me. And the war is between two wolves. One wolf is kind and loving and the other wolf is angry and voracious. And the grandson looks and said well, what do you feed them? And he said the, the wolf of hope and love is exactly what you feed them hope and love, thank you. The mean, spirited, voracious wolf you feed fear. And then the granddaughter said well, who wins, grandpa, who wins? And he looked at her and he said it's the one you feed. And I think about this all the time, by the way, which wolf am I feeding in my life? Is it the wolf of fear? And if so, what is that all about? And if it's the wolf of hope, what is that all about?
Speaker 2:
In my true, honest opinion, professional and other walks, anorexia should only exist in one place on this planet and that's with the wolf of fear.
Speaker 2:
We don't feed it and, beginning when I first heard it years ago and it thought about it in so many ways over so many different experiences, it always feels like it makes so much sense.
Speaker 2:
What is it that we fear? And I bring it up because there are two things generally going on with someone who was in that negative place in their brain. It's the negativity and challenging themselves constantly in really who they are in the world. And then it's driven often by fear, the fear of, like this woman the CEO was saying, the fear of being found out, and it's very real and it's very there and it's something that she's always kind of guarding from the observing eye. And for us to ask if we have fear, what is that about? How does it really serve us? And if we come to a place of understanding that and then imagining living our life without that fear, without feeding that wolf, to really allow ourselves to wonder what it would be like, that's the nexus of change and I think that's also the nexus of us stepping as close to our being as emotionally intelligent as we can.
Speaker 1:
Oh, that's a beautiful way to explain it. That makes me think of a song that I love, which is Fear is a Liar, but then also a decor piece I have up about feeding our faith, not our fear. So you shared with us some tips on feeding that emotional intelligence of hope and love and positive speaking and thinking, which is so crucial. What are some other practical tips for developing that emotional intelligence just in our everyday life?
Speaker 2:
I think, being able to take a piece of paper and on that piece of paper you run a line vertically all the way down the middle. On the left side, you write down the things you don't like about you and this is going back to your dinner conversation because I'm stealing it from it, but this is what I talk about with people all the time what is it you don't like about where you are, who you are, what's happening in your life, what's going to be as comprehensive as you can be? And then what is it about the things in your life that you really love, the things that you feel gratitude for? And I talk a lot about with people gratitude. And in the morning, when I get up, before I really get out and start my day, I just take a moment and think about what I'm grateful for, and sometimes it's the same day to day and sometimes it changes. However, doing that, putting that right in front of me, it just frames the day. It frames it and then it allows me in that moment to see what kind of day I want to have. What do I want to bring into it? So for people to write down what is it about their life, what is it about who they are that they really deeply appreciate and love. And I ask them, when you look at that list and be as comprehensive as you can, if that left side is longer than the right side, what is that about? And to invite them to spend from that moment forward only thinking about the right side of that legend, not the left side. It's the right side. And if people's right side is longer than their left side, then I invite them to really get clear about what they're doing. That allows them to be in a place celebrating who they are every day, because it's conscious, it's real, and for them to really be able to embrace the fact that what stays in their brain are the things that are life-given.
Speaker 2:
And you talked about faith, and faith is a huge piece of this on a lot of different levels. And when you look at faith and I talk about people in their faith or lack thereof a lot, but whether you're talking to somebody who's a person of faith or not, what I think everybody would agree on is that the universe is energy and we're an extension of that energy. We're an extension of that universe. What we put out matters, it just does. When people pray, and what are they doing? They're putting out energy that is really critical in thinking about, usually, others.
Speaker 2:
It's interesting that often we don't pray for ourselves, we pray for others, but we're putting out that energy and it's a protective energy that we so deeply want to see happen and that's that piece. But then often what happens when someone's not praying or someone's not putting out this positive energy, they just don't think about it. The piece is being able to be with it. How does that walk through your day, this thing where you want to see so much change, so much love occur that maybe is not occurring, or healing occur that's not occurring. And again, that's just a vital piece of, I think, being somebody who really is comfortable with their emotions and I think, ultimately, that's a person who is emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 1:
All the power of prayer. Now, what resources you shared with us your book but what resources do you recommend for listeners to want to work on growing in their own emotional intelligence this new year?
Speaker 2:
Yes, there's my book, certainly, but it's too. I would Google and this is what I say to people all the time because there's so many resources out there now. It's mind-blowing, ollie, what's out there. I could come up with a couple books or things to consider, but just Google emotional intelligence and all of a sudden, generally, you're going to see some of the best stuff that's out there. It could be in story form, it could be kind of in educational format to follow a particular way of thinking or an exercise.
Speaker 2:
Whatever it is, though, I think it will allow people that want to know more about this. It's going to give them that sense. Okay, I'm on a really good journey here. I'm learning a lot. They can begin employing what they're reading, and it doesn't get any better than that. That begins the journey of self-discovery, of what it means to be emotionally liberated and free, and being emotionally liberated and free is being a person who is emotionally intelligent, because you know how to manage your emotions, the whole array of them. Now, it doesn't always work, because some things catch us off guard, or our heart is broken, or there's a loss that's just unimaginable. All of these things occur. As being human, however, it can put you on this kind of path of beginning to live in a way that I really do believe ultimately is just so worth it and allows people to feel that sense of personal freedom.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and with any New Year's resolution, it takes that first step. It's that first step of whether you look at your book or do the Google search, as you mentioned, but taking that first step toward reaching that goal. As we shared earlier, we're going to have our off days, but it's getting back out there and taking those next steps.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you're exactly right, the piece about going back a bit like full circle to the beginning of the new year and these resolutions. In terms of Googling, I had a client come to me after saying this exactly to him and he came and he goes yeah, I Google this emotional intelligence stuff that was making me feel bad, so I didn't want to pursue it. Yeah, and I'm going, okay. So we kind of broke that down and began looking at it and so forth.
Speaker 2:
I bring that up because, if it's losing weight for the new year or entering into a fitness program for the new year, what you're talking about is doing something where your body is going to be experiencing a lot of different feelings and at times, the feelings that aren't very good.
Speaker 2:
You're going to be sore, or you're going to be hungry, or you're going to be these different things and at that moment, when you want to just say this isn't worth it, that pizza looks way too good, I'm out, or it's 5.30 in the morning, I'm not getting in my car, I'm not going to Equinox or whatever it is. I'm done Is to be able to acknowledge at that moment this is hard, it is and you want to do these things. However, there's something about this that's important to you and, with regard to it and this notion of emotional intelligence, it's important to your emotional intelligence to be able to do this and achieve that goal that, hopefully, is reasonable, and so it's pushing past that pain point, I think, because that's where I don't know what it is 91% of the people just go. This is too much I didn't think this through very well, whatever it might be and to give themselves that opportunity.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's a great point. That's a great point, Dr Kilcarp. Where can our listeners connect further with you?
Speaker 2:
You can send me a note at Kilcarp, k-i-l-c-a-r-r-p, at Georgetownedu or theeilifecom. Do you have to send me a note? I mean, I get a lot of different notes from a lot of different people about different things. They see in the book and one I just got this morning with somebody writing you know, when you said in the book that whoever came up with sticks and stones make break my bones, but words will never hurt was working with a really small sample size, whoever the person was just said that was right on, and it's true. Words are probably far more damaging than the fist. And so, yes, you write me, send me a note. Whatever you think, I will get back to you.
Speaker 1:
Okay and I'd throw it out there also. I'll make sure to put all of this in the show notes, but if you're a business out there and perhaps looking at introducing a book kicking up this new year for your team to grow in some way, perhaps this is a book you'll want to check into and help grow the team's emotional intelligence there also.
Speaker 2:
Thank you so much. It can be. My book is on Amazon, so you just go Kilcarp Amazon. It'll be there and if you read it, I hope you enjoy the courage of all those people that read. It's amazing, perfect.
Speaker 1:
And from one author to another, leave a review. When you read his book, go back and leave a review. That's very helpful.
Speaker 2:
Brilliant, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:
Wonderful yes.
Speaker 2:
Now fabulous.
Speaker 1:
Now in Holly's highlights, we have a signature question. If you could encourage, inspire or equip yourself as a child, what would you tell your young self?
Speaker 2:
I would tell my young self that you are so smart and you're so capable and you're so good, and if you hold on to those and believe them because they're true, life will be everything you want it to be. That's what I would say, because those are things I grew up not believing.
Speaker 1:
Beking truth to yourself for sure.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And many of us, if we could only do that, if we could only do it.
Speaker 1:
The power of positive thinking and speaking truth Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. But the part is, even if we can't do that, we can begin doing it now, and it's everything that you and I have been talking about. Yeah, just shifting out this way of thinking about who we are to really what we are, which is, to a person, pretty remarkable.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, Absolutely. Thank you so much, Dr Kilcarver. This has been a wonderful. Really appreciate your time and listeners. Join us next time on Holly's Highlights podcast, where we're going to be diving a little deeper into this emotional intelligence as we learn more about how our emotional intelligence, otherwise known as EQ, impacts our leadership styles. As author Jay Friedman says, emotional intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding and choosing how we think, feel and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn. It allows us to set priorities. It determines the majority of our daily actions. Research even suggests that it is responsible for as much as 80% of the success in our lives. So here's to intentionally living our lives more successfully this year by growing in our emotional intelligence. Happy New Year, my friend, and thank you again, Dr Kilcarver.
