Parenting Kids' Screen Time

Good morning! Happy New year my friend. Of course every year when entering a new year, we all tend to re-evaluate life and as result tend to set goals for the new year to come. Statista.com states the #1 goal made each year of course as we’d probably all guess has to do with our health. Forbes  reports 80% of resolutions are broken before February.

One goal I set each year is with my parenting - of getting more sleep, but according to a recent doctor visit it seems a new concern for parents these days should be parenting their kids' screen time.

Well, perhaps you are battling this same dilemma, or maybe your child already has social media access or even just basic technology use, but you have some questions to help keep them safe and healthy too.

Today we have special guest, Ms. Arlene Pellicane. Arlene Pellicane is a speaker, podcast host, and published author. She has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, the Wall Street Journal and one of my favorites, Focus on the Family. Join us as Arlene helps us navigate through all things kids and their screens.

Connect with Arlene at ArlenePellicane.com.
Listen to her podcast, The Happy Home Podcast, wherever podcasts are available.
Check out Arlene's masterclasses at HappyHomeUniversity.com

This episode brought to you by Larry H. Miller Honda:
Larry H. Miller Honda
5808 S State Street
Murray, Utah 84107
877-749-8850
lhmhonda.com

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Transcript

Unknown Speaker  0:01  
Hi friends, welcome to Holly's highlight a podcast designed to encourage, inspire and equip you to intentionally live your life full of purpose. I'm your host Holly Kirby, motivational speaker, leadership cultivator, marketing strategist and personal cheerleader. Let's check out today's highlight.

Unknown Speaker  0:21  
This episode brought to you by Larry H. Miller Honda. Larry H. Miller Honda is located centrally in the Salt Lake Valley, home of the price protection guarantee. If you find a lower advertised price within seven days, we'll refund the difference. See website or dealer for details. Located at 5808 South State Street in Murray, Utah, or on the web at LH am honda.com

Unknown Speaker  0:48  
Good morning and happy new year my friend. Of course every year when entering a new year, we all tend to reevaluate life and as a result in to set goals for the new year to come. We talked about goal setting in season two episode one statistic.com states though that the number one goal may be cheer which I'm sure we can all guess this has to do with our health. Well, what area I personally tend to reflect on each year when I'm looking at a goal to make is my parenting, what's working, what's not working? Where can we improve all of that. And every year I set out in the new year to help all of us get one goal of getting more sleep, you know that bedtime wind down routine? Well, I recently took my kids to their annual checkup with their doctor. And the list of questions typically involve how many sugar drinks do you consume a day? Or are you getting enough veggies? And of course they focus on that sleep question too. That's actually how that came about to be one of my goals for each year. Now thankfully, this year, unlike California's report, 80% of resolutions are broken before February. Well, our doctor gave us the happy report that we were right on target with the kids sleep I was excited. The new question though, that got me thinking was about technology. You know, as I mentioned, they talk about the veggies and the sleep and all of this. But now they're asking about this thing called screen time as our doctor put it. Now when the doctor asked about my kids screen time, my daughter was quick to take advantage of adding her bit of sass to the moment by telling the doctor that she's not allowed social media because her mom doesn't allow it. So she didn't have to worry about the screen time there. Well, that is true. I have had my guard up to social media for teens. And the question always lingers more like my daughter always reverts back to asking about when is the right time for my child to have social media? Well, ironically enough, just as we were heading into this winter break, I received an email from our school district superintendent. And it was basically informing parents that there was a concerning issue going on with teens and social media. And they were asking parents to check their kids sites. Now I should mention that I was reading this email out loud to my daughter. And when I finished reading it, she just looked up at me gave me the biggest eye roll. And then just very almost depressingly said that did it hurt my chances of ever getting social media did it?

Unknown Speaker  3:13  
Well, no, it didn't. But perhaps you're battling this same dilemma. Or maybe your child already has social media access or even just basic technology use, but perhaps you have some questions to help keep them safe and healthy to boy are we in for a treat. Today we have called in the expert for all things technology and kids. And I am so excited to learn from her. I'm referring to our special guests today. Miss Arlene Pella cane. Now Arlene Pella cane is a speaker, host of The Happy Home podcast and author of several books including parents rising 31 Days to a happy husband, and the one that caught my attention screen kids. Arlene knows her stuff, my friend. She has been featured on The Today Show and Fox and Friends at the Wall Street Journal. And one of my favorites Focus on the Family. Arlene lives in San Diego with her husband, James and their three children. And I'm so thankful for her willingness to find time in the midst of her daily demands to basically help us navigate through all of this. Welcome, Arlene, thank you for being here with us today. So much fun to be with you, Holly. Thanks for having me. Now we have so much to unpack today that I just want to dive right into probably what's on all of our minds. And that's how do we know we even need help with this issue? Meaning what warning signs can we look for if our kids being on the screen to match? Would that be gaming or TV or phones? Yeah, and you know, you kind of know in your gut like you already in your mind when you're thinking that doesn't feel right. So there are things that you can look for obviously, if you see that your child has very different behavior, you know, different mood swings, different interests, like for instance if your child used to love playing soccer, but now it's like ah, you know what, I'm not gonna play soccer. I'd rather just stay home mom and you know that they're gaming instead. So

Unknown Speaker  5:00  
Have lots of different interests, mood swings, emotional up and downs, more withdrawn, you know, usually you see them and then you're like, where's my child? Right? You might talk for a very long time. It's like, oh, look at that you're in your room a lot with your tablet. Great. So, you know, these are things if it's taken away, that they freak out when they're, you know, when it's time for dinner or time for homework, that that's becoming more of a battle. Anything, if you feel like you are having any recurring conflict, you know, then you know, like, there's something up here, you know, if once in a while, your kids like, oh, just give me 10 minutes, you know, that happens once a month, then you're probably okay. But if you're finding that you are butting against this over and over and over again, then you know, okay, you know, they're sneaking around to use it. They're up in the middle of the night using it things like this. These are all really, really big red flags, that something is wrong. Okay, good to know. I know, for my son one time, he was having a little bit of sass with me where it was like, Ooh, went too far. We were taken that off. So we were done. So that was kind of my warning sign at that moment. Yeah. Like you are not acting respectfully toward me. That is a warning sign. Like where are you learning this? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Now, with them being so much. And specifically, this is probably more for that social media side is, is teens tend to spend more time on their phones. how are kids even gauging success through their social media? Are there any trends we should be aware of? Yeah, you know, and you look at this and and just think of us as adults, right? Yeah. I think about myself, when I walk into an exercise class at the gym, I immediately look to the left look to the right, and I'll say to myself, Oh, wow, she's a lot bigger than me. Good. I feel good. Oh, she's a lot smaller than me. Oh, I feel awful. Like, it's just human nature. And so you give a teenager a tween social media, and you're giving them this amplification of every single thing in their life. They're comparing like, Oh, am I better than that person? Am I worse than that person, and it's this very toxic environment. And you know, the use is so has so dramatically risen in 2012 41% of teens had a phone, a smartphone. And then by 2018, already, 89% of those kids have a smartphone, and in 2012 34% of them are using social media many times a day compared to 70% in 2018. And what it does is you're you're setting up your friendships in a very strange way, that instead of a few close friends that you know, face to face, who love you, who support you who have common interests with you, who know when you're at school, and when you're not at school, instead of that we're exchanging that for like, Oh, I just need this number. Like, I need to have the most followers because that must mean I'm really popular, I'm really worth something. So it's a very shallow way to live. And unfortunately, too many girls, mostly girls, you know, some boys, but mostly girls will think that, hey, if I'm going to be somebody, if I'm going to connect and have friends, I have to have social media. And the truth is, you know, and I'm the same like you, I have a sophomore girl, and she does not have social media, she will not have social media through high school. And she's come to the place where she can recognize, you know, mom, I'd rather have one person in real life, say, Hey, you're a good person, and I'm glad you're in my life, then have all these followers that she understands that that's a very shallow thing, but a lot of kids don't get that. And that's what they are measuring their worth. They're they're growing up asking the question, Am I worth it? Am I beautiful? Who am I going to identify with? Who thinks I'm great? They're asking all these questions. And if they find the answers in social media, it's it's really a downward spiral. Are there good things on social media? Yes. But you know, my friend, nurse, Melanie Hepburn, it can be talks about social media, kind of like the dump, like you can find good things in the dump, like you can find in there. But most of what your kid is going to pick up is trash. And so do you really want them surrounded by that? True Very good point. It's such a slippery slope. I know here in our area, there was a trend to destroying things on other people's property and then filming it to post on Tik Tok. Right, and here we are, we live in totally different parts of the country. I think I'm in San Diego. And same thing, like our school will have all this vandalism, the bathrooms are closed, it'd be like why are the bathrooms closed? They've been vandalized because things have been stolen out of them because it was a tick tock challenge. It's just like okay, so as parents for us to think Wait a minute, I am paying for that stream of TiC tock that's going into my home like I'd like I don't want to do that like you as a parent. You do have a lot more influence and power perhaps and you give yourself credit for Yes, yes. I love one thing that my dad has has shared throughout his ministry is be the parent don't let the kid be the parent you be the parent and and I think we're seeing more and more how prevalent that that needs to be because we are having such issue so it's such a valid point there. Help us understand the different ages or age groups the the basically the growing of our kids brains at those ages, so we better understand how

Unknown Speaker  10:00  
Is this truly affecting them? Yeah. So if you have a baby, then you know, you're thinking from birth to three years old, that brain is going to grow, grow, grow, grow, grow, grow, and that baby needs no screen time and what they instead need, they need to hold a real apple, not Apple phones, they need to hold a real apple they need to crawl, they need to, you know, be the hearing you. So really be very diligent. And I think I feel like with our first child, we're pretty diligent with that. But by the time child 234, whatever comes along, you're like, oh, all the older kids are on it. How am I going to keep my baby from watching this or my toddler, etc. But I say use that time with your older kids, hey, you know what, baby chat can't see that. So let's make sure that we put that away. And it's kind of a good way to make to put on the brakes with your older kids. But the reason being just think of it like scaffolding in a building like you are your child's brain is really their fastest period of growth is in those first years. And if you give them all the building materials they need, they will be able to make a cathedral. But if you give an 18 month old, like, Oh, let me just keep you quiet Here, hold this tablet. And please, if you've done this, do not feel like oh my word, I'm such a bad mom, I'm such bad dad, just listen, and say, Hey, next time, I'm not going to do that. It's just like, the Okay, instead of giving you this beautiful cathedral of a brain, that you're learning how all these motor skills, and you're listening and all these things, now, all of a sudden, you're just you're just watching on the screen, and it's so it's, it's, it's not allowing them to learn language, that's a big one, you know, so for for you, as a parent to really be vigilant on those early years so that your child can have more neurons literally, and more paths to different things that are built in the brain. You know, they even show that if TV is on in the background, what happens is the parent talks less to the child because you know, there's some this noise on in the background. Whereas if there was no TV in the background, what would that parent be doing? Okay, let's go take a walk. Okay, let's go grab an apple, Okay, it's time for you to eat now, you know, they're talking to the child. So this is huge. Whether you have a toddler or a teenager, they need that, you know, the so the first set of big growth is those early years. The second set of big growth in the brain is the it's kind of funny is when your kid is going to become a teenager. So in this pre pubescent age, their brain is also what it's doing is it's pruning, it's saying, Okay, let's clean up, we're going to be growing up, what's not being used here. And if it's not being used, let's take it away, and let's strengthen what's being used. And what that means is if your kid Dr. J. geed, from UCLA had said that, okay, what that means is, if your kid is doing music, and school and sports, then those are the things that are going to be strengthened. But if you're a kid sitting on the couch and playing video games, then those are the things that are being strengthened. So really, when you look at your sixth, seventh, eighth grader, and sometimes they're getting all they're just middle schoolers, that's what they do. But really, as a parent, think of like, this is the brain, their brain right now is pruning, and their brain is deciding what's important for this kid. And what's not important, let's kind of clean house. And if all that's left there is oh, here's your pathway to social media, here's your pathway to YouTube, here's your pathway to video games, you can kind of see that's a bit limiting. But if you've got like a service pathway, like okay, they do volunteer work, and they read books, and they listen to music, they play music, they play sports, they hang out with friends in real life and talk to them. Okay, these are interpersonal skills, these are the things that are they use these these brain cells, we better keep them. So it is really important, even for your your middle schoolers that you think, oh, that's just what teenagers do. They like sit in the room. And no, that's not what they do. That's what they've learned to do, because that's what we've given them. But in the absence of electronics, guess what, they'll go out and play, they'll go bill, they'll do different things. So it's really important to do that. And then the last thing I just want to say about the brain is you know, they have this prefrontal cortex in the front of the brain, it's the executive decision center that helps your child know, you know, I've been playing for two hours, I probably should stop and like do some homework. Now, that part of the brain that helps them with decision making is not yet formed, it's forming all the way through, they say used to be in the early 20s. Now they're saying all the way to 30, because it's so delayed. And the reason it's so delayed is when kids are on video games, when they're watching really scary things, whatever the body thinks, oh, fight or flight like this is like we got to keep this kid alive. So all the blood goes to keeping those major organs healthy, that it's all and all the blood goes away from this prefrontal cortex. So it's very anemic, it's very weak. And so we have to think to ourselves, how do I strengthen that in my child? And the way you do that is through reading, through exercise through talking to people not through gaming, watching violent things, and

Unknown Speaker  15:00  
etc. So all these things, we just have to remember the this is the brain that your child is going to have for the rest of his or her life as an adult. And as a parent, like your dad says, We've got to be the parent, and give them the best shot that they can have. Oh, that makes so much sense. Oh, that I really liked how you touch on the interpersonal skills, though, because so often is for talking with especially teens. Now I notice there's no eye contact. And it's like, I almost want to put my head down to where a phone would be if look at me.

Unknown Speaker  15:30  
I

Unknown Speaker  15:32  
bet you're right, we've got to help protect and nurture our kids brains. But what boundaries and rules can we set to help our kids? What are some things that perhaps we could do and leading by example, perhaps, yeah, and even going to your point, if it's your own child, to say, Okay, let's try that. Again. When you talk to someone, you have to look at them, because it's a sign of caring, it's a sign of respect, it's a sign of like, I see you. And so let's try that again. But this time, look at me, and literally, you cut their head in in your hands and turn it up to you, if you need to look at it, you can make it funny, you know,

Unknown Speaker  16:07  
make it funny, but but train them that like no one you talk to people, you have to look at them. And one way hopefully, that you could also do that, by example is if you spent a day on purpose, not looking at your child, let's say looking at your phone all day, while talking to them, and then ask them, you know, or maybe just do it at dinnertime. But did you notice a difference? Did that feel weird to you? And hopefully it will feel weird to them? Hopefully, we are looking at them during the day. But it's also a check on us. So to answer your question, that boundary is modeling that when we talk to our kids, are we practicing what I call the pivot where you're on your device, you hear someone come into the room and you jerk away from your phone, looking at that person like a marionette doll like someone just jerked you away from your tablet or your phone? Hey, how's it going? How was your day always preferring that person over electronics? Can you model that to your kids, you know, once in a while, if they catch you and you're like finishing a text and your head is down, that's not a big deal. But if over and over and over every time your child sees you, you are not giving them eye contact. That's a problem. So that boundary begins with us. So modeling, this is what healthy technology use looks like when we have a conversation, I will put my phone down, I will turn towards you and I will listen. And I want to listen, you know they did a survey of 6000 kids and more than half of them said my parents worst habit is picking up the phone while we are in conversation. So that's a boundary that you say that's not going to be me and I'm going to teach my kids that's not going to be you either. So it's training them interpersonal skills. I think that's really, really key. And then of course, like the set kinds of things, like no phones at mealtime, right and maybe right now that seems overwhelming. Like what like even in a restaurant, like how would we ever survive, you know, no phone or tablet at mealtime, you know, then give it practice, say, Hey, we're gonna go out today and none of us were going to leave our devices in the car. And instead, you know, we're gonna play a game, or we're going to bring, you know, Mad Libs or we're, like, be prepared, like, have something. So this epic failure. But you know, say we're going to do this different and start retraining your family, whether they're toddlers or they're teenagers, that, hey, we can have a family meal with no electronics. And sometimes it's the mom and the dad that have the hardest time with that. Now, obviously, if you're emergency worker, and you have to have the phone, that's fine, but just keep it you know, away from the table. If it rains, you'll hear it. And so meal screen food mealtime, I think is a great boundary, no phones in the bedroom is a great boundary, because then it forces whatever's happening to be in the living room, somewhere that's open, and definitely no screens overnight. So as your point is for sleep so that your child can get a decent night's sleep because most kids are not sleeping. And that's why you see so many attention problems and so many other things. So that's a good start. And then you know, we can get into personally, I feel like when whatever you're thinking, Should I let my child have this phone? Is it time for them to play this more violent video game? Whenever you have that thought? Just that, you know, let's just delay one more year. Let's just push that back one more year and revisit it. Like when you are wondering, should I delay? Yes, you should delay because think about it. Is there one parent that you know that was like Oh, my goodness, I got my middle school or a phone and it has been like amazing. Like my middle schooler is so happy now and talks to us all the time. And so loving finishes all their homework does all their chores. This is great. No, every parent is like, Why did I do that? Like why didn't I wait? So push that back? Personally, you know, I like what Bill Gates did. He knows a bit about technology. He did not give his kids phones until they were in high school.

Unknown Speaker  19:51  
I have a senior in high school who does not have a smartphone who does not have a phone at all they have he has a Google Voice number. And so he checks that on his laptop

Unknown Speaker  20:00  
up. So that's how he does his group chats with his friends. And he makes it just fine. So I really am truly living this. I'm not saying you have to do it this way. But I'm saying you can do it this way. So push back that phone, don't give a phone to an elementary school student under no circumstances. And if you need to get in touch with them, maybe they're getting dropped off by one parent getting picked up by another parent, you know, get them a dumb phone that just texts that's, you know, not a smartphone. So that's fine. So think of why does my child need this phone and get it because of that, not because of the peer pressure that other parents and the kids are giving you. And then in middle school, I think it's not the right time, we're talking about that brain development. And that's not the right time to throw that phone in the mix. And then the same thing now video games, that's a hot topic. And for us the boundary of just not starting that that was the boundary we chose because we felt like That was Pandora's box. Now, that's a kind of extreme view. And I'm not expecting that everyone follows that. But I will say it works. It does work. Because video games, that's a huge problem, obviously, for boys, and the addiction that comes from that. So you've got to talk to, you know, whether you're married, whether they're grandparents involved, have a family adult powwow, you know, and think this through what do we want for our child, what boundaries is going to work for our family, and then once you set them, you really have to keep them, you can't waver and just think it's not about feelings. It's not about being popular, it's about keeping your kid healthy. True, that consistency is so important. Now, what are some tips to teaching our kids about being safe online? So even as you mentioned the gaming? Yeah, you know, and I would really tell your kids, when you're with people online, they need to be people that you know, in real life, and that's going to cross over very fast, you know, they're going to be somewhere to be like, Oh, I don't know that person. What should I do? And it's, I think it really is that talk to them about, okay, we will let you play if you're playing with people, you know, but once we don't know them, and this is very hard. So this kind of shows you how murky these waters are. So personally, I you don't know. Like, I think it's language, you know, your kids is going to leave it here a lot of languages, I do want them to be exposed to that. You don't know, obviously, you always think of worst case scenario. But that worst case scenario is real. This is like a predators dream that they can say that they're a 12 year old boy, when they are a 40 year old man, you know, I mean, it's just like a dream world for predator because all the kids are in one place already. So talking to your kids, but I think it's there's a place for showing your children a video of like some person who thought they were meeting this 12 year old at a park. And instead it was this 40 year old, you know, so show them this, that this is real, that you do not know who these people are. So you just need to interact with people that you know. And you also want this environment where if something strange happens, that your kid feels very comfortable coming to you and not like, Oh, I'm gonna get in so much trouble. So even if you're shocked, like, Oh, my goodness, you saw that pornography, oh, my goodness, you responded to that, whatever it is, like, hide all that and just listen, and be like, thank you so much for telling me about that. Let me think that and maybe in the moment, you don't know what to do. Let me think about that. And let's talk about that again tomorrow. And then freak out with your friends and with your support group and pray about etc. But your kids need to know that they can come to you. Because I feel like if they think my mom's gonna freak out, they're not going to come to you. And that's when the problems start because they start hiding things. So make an environment where they can come to you teach them to play with people that they know. And then let your girls know that they're going to be groomed. Let your girls know that when you're on social media, if you decide to make your thing public, because you want more followers that you're going to have. And this is the reason why I don't allow my kids have social media, it is because they are going to one I think I've had four girls will be sexually solicited on social media. And you Why would you want that right. So you have to tell your girls, they're not just going to come out straight and say like, oh, send me a nude picture of you. That's not what they're gonna do. They're gonna start with you or the prettiest girl. And they're gonna say that to for four months, you are amazing, I love and then by the time you are connected to this person who you've never met, right? That's when they're going to ask and by then you feel very invested in this person. So I think teaching your kids that that's going to help them to be more skeptical. I feel like you have to teach your kids to be a lot more skeptical online than they currently are. So those would be some places to start. But again, that's a really heavy bar for kids to lift. And that's why I would suggest that boundary of not giving your kids social media is a better boundary. Absolutely such a scary world out there and so much to protect them from but more importantly to

Unknown Speaker  25:00  
As you shared, teach them and educate them on now, and I haven't, you know, said, but you know, on your computer to have the filters, all that is good. So do that, like filter out the bad stuff, get on your router and say these kinds of sites can't be accessed make it more difficult. So that's all good. And you should do that. And then also understand, you know, they can access this from their friend's phone, they can access this from other places. So it's, it's really praying and teaching them to guard their heart. And at some point in their life, that's going to be transferred from you to the kid that the kids going to have to want to do it themselves. And that's what we're praying and we're training for true. Now there are some things our kids just need screens for such as homework, what are some skills our kids need for this technology in this overall, just technology driven world? Yes. And it's a mess, isn't it? And that's why it's not like drugs or alcohol, where you can just say, just say, No,

Unknown Speaker  25:55  
you have to say yes, because the style has to read their homework, apparently. So I think you can you can have the idea of digital vegetables and digital candy, which I talked about a lot that, yes, there are vegetables that you have to consume. That's like math. And you know, no one came out of the pandemic thinking, Oh, my word, I'm so addicted to Google Classroom. I can't wait. You know, no one did that. So. So there's obviously technology that doesn't taste very good, right? Okay. And those are the digital vegetables where you as the mom are saying, get on and go and learn your language or, you know, let's time for your piano lesson, you know, or whatever. So you can teach your kids this, that there's there are digital vegetables, and those are things that you have to consume. That's like work for an adult, like real legitimate work is a digital vegetable. But of course, as you're doing your digital vegetable, all this candy is dancing around everywhere in your screen. And that's you know, your YouTube, your movie trailers, your social media, all that stuff. You're shopping the things on sale, all that. So teaching your kids okay, kid, there's digital vegetables, there's digital candy, there's good and there's bad here, the candy is meant to attract you. And we get that. And so as a parent, it's kind of like with the homework. It's tough, because they'll say, Oh, we're doing homework. Are you really? So it for Kids Who Care? You could say, Hey, we're gonna say how much time do you think you need to finish your homework? Okay, you need 45 minutes, great. We're going to set the timer and 45 minutes that's going to be done. You know, and if the kid cares that that works, because they're like, Oh, I better finish. If the kid doesn't really care if their homework gets done or not, then that's, that's a whole other issue of making them want to care from inside of themselves. But the idea is not just carte blanche like, oh, you say you're doing homework, okay, then I guess you're gonna be on the computer the whole time. But believe me, like, we struggle with this as well of like, okay, what movies are watching on YouTube while they're doing their homework. So even though we don't have personal devices, our kids don't have social media, and they don't have phones, but they have YouTube, you know, and they've got a computer at home to do their homework on and they've got laptops from their schools. So so don't think we're saintly, but we are able, at least to avoid that social media and video game rabbit hole, but there's a YouTube rabbit hole. And that's a pretty big one. So so it really is a I think it's like putting the big rocks in first, like, is your homework really done? Did you get your exercise today? Did you you know, read your Bible today, like, did you like are the big things in there. And then hopefully, there's not these huge swathes of time, they're just going to be now wasted on on disk candy. That makes sense. Now, you shared with us earlier about how we can set an example like at the dinner table and not have phones or electronics there. And and of course it has to start with if kids are just going to choose. I think I should not do technology right now. So any other tips that you would give us and how we can lead by example, to just help our children have that more balanced life? Yeah. And I think for them, if they see us correct ourselves, that is a good thing. So I know sometimes my husband will tell my kids, hey, I'm gonna go on a news fast for a month, because it's just kind of overwhelming. And I think that's good for them to see, as parents, you also recalibrate when things are getting a little bit too out of hand when I'm on the phone, like so I don't like using social media, but as a speaker and an author, like they tell you like, oh, you should post on social media so that I hear you you're doing it right. Yep. So I will tell my kids, you know, because they laugh, they Google moms on Instagram on Sunday.

Unknown Speaker  29:22  
And I'll tell them like, Okay, I'm posting my graphic. I'm posting my quote about my podcast. So here we go. You know, so I explained to them like, this is what I'm using it for. So I think that is good. So they can see a they can see you because there is legitimate work to be done. But they also it also gives you as the parent accountability. Like I just told them I was working. So I guess if they look and I'm on Amazon, this can be a problem. That helps you. It helps you be a little bit more honest with it. And again, saying to your kids, I struggle with this to kids so that they know like, Okay, this, I get it. This is a struggle for everyone. I think that's a better position than you telling your kid

Unknown Speaker  30:00  
Do XY and Z while they see that you do the opposite, you know. And so and then another The last thing I would say is a digital Sabbath, like some kind of reset, whether it's Hey, we're gonna spend Sunday afternoon, where everyone's offline and we're gonna go to the park instead, you know, something like that. We play ultimate frisbee every Sunday afternoon. So some kind of Sabbath where it's a time where there are no screens, or reoccurring time. So it could be a weeknight, a particular weeknight, it could be from eight o'clock on we turn off the modem, you know, it could be you know, you think about what might work. But I think a rhythm of forcibly getting off is helpful, particularly if you have young kids, totally if you have young kids so they can have other skills, hobbies, interests, having a reading night instead like saying, oh, Tuesday nights or reading night, everybody, even mom or dad gets out their book, I mean, can you imagine and just even set up, set the timer for 10 minutes, just do it for 10 minutes the first time and then expanded out, things like that rhythms, habits that kind of balance out the amount of time on screen, just physically even to be in a different position than hunched over and looking down like you were talking about onto your phone. These are all good habits to try out. Now, where I'm going to have to work on on that is I use my phone for the camera, and I love to take pictures. I love to capture every moment. Yeah, so I'll be somewhere without my phone. It's like, oh, but I'm missing this moment of capture Yes, memory. And you can even just put your phone on airplane mode and explain that to your kids and just say hey, you know what, I'm just this is no longer phone. This is a camera when we go out and I'm just going to put it on airplane mode or do not disturb or however you want to do it and just use it as a phone as a camera. And I think that's good, because that was that's the problem with technology. It does. It does everything where it used to be it was a typewriter and it could only type suit the only one option. So even though this technology is so glorious, that's the rub is that oh look, I can do a gazillion things with this. So it's a machine of distraction. Good tip. I like that. It's so true. It just is it does too many things. I'm still buying going back to a rotary landline phone.

Unknown Speaker  32:08  
Like mom, what's that? I saw that, right?

Unknown Speaker  32:13  
Now for that signature question here on Holly's highlights. Arlene, if you could go back and tell yourself anything as a kid? What would it be? Your cell phone, I would tell myself, please learn some sports because now that I'm an adult, like my husband's very athletic. My kids are very athletic. And I'm just like, oh, dear Lord Jesus, I would tell myself, will you please like learn how to rollerblade? Or could you please learn how to you know, I don't know bike better so so that I could be a little bit more non lame.

Unknown Speaker  32:48  
Tell myself, go find a mentor who like could do that and follow them. Oh, how fun.

Unknown Speaker  32:56  
Now Arlene, how can our listeners connect further with you? Yeah, so you can go to Arlene pelikan.com, just by name, Arlene pelikin.com. The book, we've been talking about a screen kids. And I have a movie that we've made of documentary of the kids talking about how, what has it been like without a phone, etc. So this is something you can watch yourselves for some inspiration. And also just to know, like, you're not crazy, because I think that's why most people feel like if I push it back to high school, or even later, the phone, people think I'm crazy. Like, they will literally think I'm crazy. And I don't know what to do. And I'm really the only one. So go watch screen kids in their own words. And then you will know they are not the only one. And you can find that at happy home. university.com Happy Home university.com. And the movie is called Screen kids. So that's a good encouragement, I think. And I made a 15 minute version of only my kids talking that you can show to your children so that kids can see other kids like talking about it. So I think that would be helpful. And then of course my podcast is called the happy home. Perfect that listener I am sure that this has helped you out a lot with all just those lingering questions and all things screen time for our kids. And Arlene, I just can't thank you enough for your time invested in being with us today and sharing all these valuable tips especially the one on the airplane. That was my biggest takeaway. My photos. So thank you.

Unknown Speaker  34:19  
Thank you so much all you're doing a great job with your kids. You can tell you can tell your daughter that I said so.

Unknown Speaker  34:25  
I told her I was talking with you today and she's like, Oh great, my chances are

Unknown Speaker  34:30  
she's gonna make it even worse. But do do tell her that I love her and I think she has a very bright happy future. For mom. Awesome. Thank you well and for all of us. May we just keep pushing on and keeping our kids safe and healthy when it comes to basically all things technology. Thanks again Arlene. Thanks so much.

Unknown Speaker  34:52  
Thank you for joining me on this journey of life. I hope that today's highlight has been encouraging, inspiring, and equipping

Unknown Speaker  35:00  
So you can go out and live your life full of purpose. I'd be honored if you take a moment to leave a review, or better yet, subscribe. We can also stay in touch by joining my email list at Holly kirby.com. That's H O ll y curby.com. Until next time, make it a great day for a great day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai