United States of Race
United States of Race
Episode 6: Privilege Doesn’t Keep Me Safe from Racial Violence
Ken feels his community is often treated as an invisible group, but neither that nor growing up with privilege are keeping him and his family safe right now.
I do you have privilege and it's really hard to even admit that sometimes because you don't want to comment on it. You know, you have to really reach deep within yourself to be able to talk about it, because I feel like when you mention privilege, people look down on you right away, as if... it's actually uncomfortable talking about privilege.
DB Crema:This is United States of Race, personal stories of how our earliest memories determine a lifetime of relationships. Each episode features one guest sharing their experiences with race. Keeping these episodes anonymous lets our guests share the real uninhibited stories of their life. And it gives us the chance to listen without prejudice. I'm your host, DB Crema. Today, we're joined by Ken who feels his community is often treated as an invisible group. But neither that nor the privilege he grew up with are keeping him and his family safe right now. When did you first become aware of race?
Unknown:My first time actually confronting race was my second week of school, second grade. And basically, this blonde, blue eyed girl comes up to me at lunch and goes, is it true that you eat dogs? And I looked at her and I was like, I don't know. I have never eaten a dog before. So the same day I came home and asked my mother, I asked, Mom, do we eat dogs? And she goes, What are you talking about? Because we actually come from a very upper middle class family. So my mom was shocked to hear about, you know, hearing my question, because it was very low for her. She was like, did someone ask you this, did your teacher ask you this? And I told her a little girl asked me at lunch. And she goes, No, we do not eat dogs. So I was really happy about that answer. Next day. I told this little girl that no, my mom said we don't eat dogs. So I was born in the islands of the Philippines. And if you know anything about the Philippines, we do have a long history with the Spaniards and also the Americans and actually seeing white people, or American missionaries - It was pretty common. Growing up, my parents sent us to an all American school. So we spoke English in school, we would speak Tagalog in public, as well as my parents' - dialects kapampangan and elcano. So, ya know, I was always surrounded by people of different colors back in the Philippines. But the issue of race actually came up when I started to go to school here in the US. We immigrated to the US in 2001, and landed in San Francisco. And if you know anything about San Francisco, it has a huge Asian American Pacific Islander population, because of the whole history of the transcontinental railroads with the Chinese arriving, the Vietnamese refugees, so I actually felt at home. I sometimes can't imagine landing in the Midwest. So acclimating in the US was actually easy for me. And actually, it's funny because my mom would always pack us lunch, and she would cook us traditional Filipino food, and I would take it to school. And I would be made fun of, you know, it's traditional for us to eat with our hands. But people kept staring at me. I was mortified. I wanted to fit in. I was in a new country. So I actually asked my mom the same day, Can I possibly get some Lunchables? Because my friends all have them.
DB Crema:Don't all children eat their school lunch with their hands like their sandwiches, their Lunchables and their like little packets of gummy bears and their apple and their juice box. It's all with your hands.
Unknown:Yeah, you would think so. But my school would actually make sure that we don't use our hands. They actually encouraged us to really use our utensils that were given to us. And they tried to enforce that. I mean, I would come home and my dad would be using his hands to eat his dinner, and I would kind of look at him almost in disgust. So I struggled with my identity when I came here because my mom actually told us stop speaking Tagalog, stop speaking dialects. And I never understood why until later on, because my mom wanted us to really, really acclimate and actually be a part of the general population without being stared up. Despite the huge Asian American community already in the Bay Area. I had a lot of friends who were Asian, actually, the African American, and also the white community was actually the minority in my school. So I never really interacted with many black or white people, until I actually moved to Reno, Nevada. When I first got here, I was like, were my Asians at? I was really shocked because I went to university here. And people would actually look at me and mistaken me as an international student, which really, really sucked because they thought that I didn't speak English. No one wanted to sit with me at my science labs, because they thought there would be, you know, a language barrier. And they already judged me based on what I looked like. I actually even tried to really, really integrate myself in the student population here by joining a fraternity. And it wasn't for me, so I actually quit my fraternity within a year because I was just trying to fit in. And with me joining a fraternity and being introduced to the community, I was more likely highlighted. And it felt like, you know, I was like the elephant in the room that people stared at.
DB Crema:It's amazing what we'll do to try and fit in. But sometimes it ends up just making you stick out more.
Unknown:Exactly, exactly. That's how I felt. And it wasn't until I joined some AAPI, which caters to the Asian American and Pacific Islander community. It felt like home there, but I didn't want that to be just my university experience with, oh yeah, you know, all these Asians know each other.
DB Crema:Makes me think about how one goes about creating spaces, safe spaces, without kind of self segregating. You know, like, you don't want to purposefully seek out only, quote, unquote, your kind or only, you know, almost becoming even more insulated. Because of feeling welcome. But...
Unknown:But it was easier to hang out with people who look like me, because they understood what I was going through. But actually, dating dating was really hard. Because I was fetishized. I went to a gay club. This six foot six white man came up to me and was like, You look really exotic.
DB Crema:Oh the exoticized thing.
Unknown:And I was like, uh...thanks? I was just like, well, it really, really caught me off guard. Because in the Bay Area, there are so many people that look like me. But coming into a city where it's predominantly white, made me feel fetishized.
DB Crema:I mean, what's wrong with that? You know, you're being appreciated for your different looks. And and in theory, it's a compliment that you're good looking and different from everyone else. So why is it an issue?
Unknown:For me personally, I don't want to be a box that someone checks off their list. I don't want to, I don't want to be that one story where a guy goes, Yeah, I tried an Asian. I mean, you know. And it's almost demeaning that you want to possibly date me just so you can say that, you have expanded your circle, dating circle. So it did make me feel awful. But I did end up dating a white guy. And actually, this is a terrible story. I met his family. And, you know, they seemed really nice. And one night, I was alone with my ex's mom. And she actually said to me, do you love my son, or are you just looking for a green card? And I was like, What are you talking about? I'm actually a US citizen. That really hit me hard. It just made me feel like shit. In all honestly. So I almost moved back to the Bay Area, so so many times. It was really hard on me in this... in a smaller town. You know, people who look like me primarily were people who work in casinos that were on a worker's visa. So it was really, really difficult. So especially with COVID, you know, I used to live in downtown Reno, and a truck came by with their windows down, and someone screamed COVID and pointed at me. And I was like, What? Are you kidding? This is happening here? But in all honesty, it doesn't surprise me as much. I'm more surprised that the anti-Asian American, discrimination in San Francisco, where it's already predominantly Asian American. So you hear all about these news articles featuring like, older Asian Americans being killed or even hit just out of nowhere. I'm more surprised about that.
DB Crema:What...where's that coming from?
Ken:I mean, it's xenophobia at its finest. I mean, in comparison to other people of color. Asian Americans haven't really been targeted. COVID really sparked that up again.
DB Crema:Do you think it ever bothers you? The assumptions made about you, whether your status in the US or COVID, is because you come from a place of privilege?
Ken:That's tough. Yeah, I would say so. I would say that it does hit me a little bit harder, because they think we're all savages who come from a third world country and it's like, Actually, no, I grew up speaking four languages. And, you know, my parents are educated. And I guess it does hit my ego a little bit more. Because like I said, in the very beginning, we come from a very upper middle class kind of family. Each child had their own maid, each child had their own chauffeur. But I didn't realize that we were upper middle class at the age of seven. I just thought everyone had a nanny. Everyone had someone who drove them. Growing up, we were basically shielded from all of the poverty around us. But race was never really an issue growing up, because we saw people of all colors. I mean, honestly, hen I came to the US, my first question was, Why do why people get tans? I mean, because in Asian culture, if you have lighter skin, it means that you're richer because you don't work in the fields. If you have darker skin, it really means that you work outside, and maybe you work the land. My mom never understood it. She was the type of Asian lady who would bring an umbrella on a sunny day. You know, that kind of lady who wants to avoid tanning, because she thought in her head, her skin color meant her social class. So white people, who she thought because of their color, were rich or higher up there, you know, upper middle class, were making themselves darker. Whereas people in the Philippines would want to portray themselves as light as possible to avoid biases, people may be looking down on them. So actually a little funny story, I joined my high school swim team. And it was an outdoor pool. So I would get tan really, really fast. And my mother one day, she didn't say anything. She just handed it to me. She gives me a whitening soap. And I was like, What is this? And she goes, it's for your skin. Skin color was a defining feature, and my mom wanted, she just wanted me to feel secure and not be judged for having darker color. Because that's what she thought. She wanted to protect me, and that's how I see it.
DB Crema:Yeah, it's it's interesting that you're saying about the Philippines that colorism, which you can think of as an offshoot of racism is, in this case, it's showing the connection to the issue of social class, more so than the issue of race, which I mean, the US is looked at sometimes almost entirely as a black and white issue. But this is about class.
Unknown:Exactly. That is correct. You're on point there. And in America, it has become more of a black and white issue. And maybe this is why I considered Asian Americans as an invisible figure, we're almost just like an invisible race in the middle. Because, you know, honestly, we kind of fly by pretty okay. And should we be okay with that, with where we are? I mean, within my lifetime, this is the first time I have seen anti-Asian attacks. I wasn't around then in 1942, during Manzanar. Okay, Japanese Americans were sentenced to this is still controversial, but internment camps in Manzanar. I feel like that was the last time xenophobia really attacked the Asian American community. So how do I feel with xenophobia, now? I worry about my parents who live in San Francisco. I mean, they're still working. And it scares me. It scares me more. And I feel like I'm able to hold my ground here in a tiny town, even though I've experienced racism, but I do worry about my parents, I do check up on them more often nowadays. I mean, people are attacking all sorts of Asians, not just people who look Chinese. If you look Asian, you probably know they kind of consider you as a COVID carrier. Or you started COVID. And this is why my grandfather died. Or this is why my cousin is in the hospital right now. They project their hate towards people who look Asian. It doesn't matter if you grew up in mainland Asia or the archipelagos of the Philippines. It's scary.
DB Crema:Are your parents worried?
Unknown:My parents are worried. So my mom is currently a hospice worker. In the Bay Area, she's not in one facility. She goes into people's homes and cares for them. So it does scare me when my mom goes to different parts of the Bay Area. So sometimes I ask her where are you stationed today? And, you know, when she goes to an area that is predominantly white, I always tell her to message me when she's done because she leaves around like 1am. You know most crimes occur around them. So, it's weird, you know, fearing for my mom who is in a predominantly white community. So it's, it's a crazy time right now. And it's weird to feel like that. I mean, the scar that we will carry from COVID, if it ever ends, is going to be long lasting. So it's kind of hard to be hopeful, because this is going to stick with this for a while in terms of how people treated the Asian American community. But let's try, let's try to be helpful. Let's try to find a way. I feel like it'll pass. I mean, we will remember, but I feel like the racism based on assuming that every single Asian had something to do with COVID will pass. And with social media, people are able to really spread positive messages and educating people and I feel like that's the only way. It's been so nice. I mean, a lot of my Asian friends have been reposting those things. But s eing people of all colors r posting them, it makes me feel l ss of a target. And as one of t em.
DB Crema:Thanks for listening to United States of Race. This podcast was produced by me, You host, DB Crema, and our artwo k is designed by Aly Creative. I you love great storytelling, g ahead and subscribe to Unite States of Race on Spotify, Appl podcasts or wherever you ge your podcasts and show us some ove by rating and writing a re iew on Apple podcasts or Podchas r. You see podchaser.com is t e world's most comprehensi e podcast database. So rating an writing a review there helps u get the message out and help other listeners discover thi amazing show. And you can als share this podcast with you friends, and anyone who believe in the power of buildin connection through sharin personal stories. You can als follow us on Instagram at un tedstatesof race. And as always if you Yes, you have a compel ing story to share and would lik to be featured on an upcoming e isode, send us a message at un tedstatesofrace@gmail.com. ntil next time,