United States of Race
United States of Race
Episode 12: It's Time To Storm the Castle
After years of learning to survive in an unwelcome environment, Gabe is tired of trying to make others feel comfortable around him. The time for talk is over; he wants to see action and change.
Even at that age, I knew there was a difference. I was different. I knew I looked different from everyone. I knew that our family looked different from other families. But I didn't understand why and it didn't really bother me, because again, inside the house, we were all considered equals. It was only outside, just how we were treated or how I was treated.
DB Crema:This is United States of Race, personal stories of how our earliest memories determine a lifetime of relationships. Each episode features one guest sharing their experiences with race. Listen, without prejudice to their real, uninhibited stories, because by sharing when we first learned we are all different, we find the common thread that shows us how much we are all the same. I'm your host DB Crema. Gabe is tired of trying to make others feel comfortable around him. And after years of learning to survive in an unwelcome environment. He wants to see action and change. When did you become aware of race?
Gabe:So we camped a lot when I was growing up, and we would go everywhere all over the country, actually to camp. I remember one, one incident where we were in, I think, Wyoming Cheyenne, is that right? And I was a toddler at the time, walking down the street holding my mother's hand. I think I was too close to the edge of the curb. And my father was a few steps ahead. And apparently, from what I was told, I actually vaguely do remember this, but the circumstances behind it, I was told later. There was a truck that came speeding by and tried to hit me. My father happened to be turned around talking to us both, you know, because he was in front of us at the time. And he saw the car coming, the truck coming. And both he and my mother kind of jumped on me and pulled me closer into the curb, and the car missed, s he, you know, went off. And they did yell something out the window. And you know, things like that have happened. My father has gotten into many, fisticuffs, if you will, over the fact of having a black child. And that's happened a fair amount of times or not being accepted to this camp ground or any place for that matter. Because you know, we don't want his kindhere. Or why do you have a black son? Then you're a traitor, so to speak. That's happened, of course, you know. You see that all the time. But that's happened to us quite a bit.
DB Crema:You'd be turned away from campsite because of it?
Gabe:That, or restaurants or, yeah, absolutely. So, I'm mixed race, I'm half white and black. Both my parents are white, so I was adopted about one month old, I think it was. And you can imagine that with those optics living in the suburbs of Boston, in particular, there was quite a bit to talk about, quite a bit to experience if you will, so. My actual family was great. My parents are very loving, very affectionate, very supportive. I had a wonderful childhood, as far as the family is concerned. They didn't keep anything from me. So we had very open dialogue throughout my childhood. And we had all kinds of people in and out of the house, different cultures and backgrounds and so forth. So I lived in a very open, free environment, which I'm very thankful for to this day. And they didn't hide anything from me. I will say, though, that I didn't have a lot of knowledge of my cultural background, so to speak. And I don't think it's because they chose not to immerse me in that I think they just didn't know how to. And, you know, I wish things were different in that regard. But great childhood, no complaints. I was generally a happy kid. But the outside world didn't see that. Inside the house, it was great. Outside is a little different story.
DB Crema:Why did your parents adopt you, a black child?
Gabe:Well, if you ask either one of them, they'd say, well because he was the most beautiful baby that we've ever seen. They probably lost a bet, I don't know.
DB Crema:I mean, knowing all the hardships that a black child, a black male child, faces in this country. Why do your parents choose to adopt a black child?
Gabe:Yeah, I again, I don't think they chose to adopt me because of anything other than they couldn't have a child. They wanted to have an inclusive family. It didn't necessarily mean if they couldn't have one themselves physically, they just wanted to have a child. So when it came time for kids that were available, you know, back then this is the early 70s. So they didn't, again, this is what they told me. And you know, who knows, but they said, you know, they had a few options, but they looked at me and they, they saw that, that this is something that they really wanted, and that they thought I was, I would just add to the family, and they. I don't know, love at first sight. I guess, I really, I couldn't tell you. But what I can say is that any social ramifications of doing so was
DB Crema:What did your parents teach you about your identity, really not top of mind with them. They didn't seem to be concerned about that, at that time. They were more concerned about having a kid. And what type of kid didn't really matter- male, female, Asian, Latina, didn't matter. They just wanted a kid that they connected with. And that's where I came along. I will say that, I think they probably should have thought of that. But they didn't. Because things did get fairly bad at times. You know, again, this is Boston. So in the early 70s, we're going through busing, we're going through a lot of segregation, there's, you know, a lot of communities that just did not want any type of integration whatsoever. So even within their own families, you know, we're dealing with, you know, Irish, you know, that... I didn't see my father's mother, so my grandmother, I guess - I never called her that - until was 13. And the reason why never saw her till I was 13, i because she didn't want to se me. And that wasn't kept fro me. That was not kept from me a all. But when you're young, yo know, I'm not getting present this year. That's all ou think about. You don't think about, okay, she doesn't want to see me because I'm black, or that her son had a black kid. E, I don't care. Right? It doesn't really bother me. And it didn't. I think I am who I a, is because I've had to learn t not live with a lot of the sup ort or a lot of these people n my life. your cultural identity, your race, racial identity?
Gabe:It was unfortunate, there was not a lot of exposure to my cultural identity at all from my parents. As I mentioned before, that it's not because they didn't want to, it's I don't think they were equipped to. I don't think they knew how to. And again, they wanted to give me everything they could, they wanted to give me every opportunity every expose me to everything and I was but I don't think they were equipped to kind of hand over the reins to another culture. Maybe they thought that I would escape and I would forget where I was or who they were. But yeah, I think for the most part, the childhood was was fine. It's once you ventured out to other places, going on vacation with the family. Wherever we would travel, that's when I saw a lot of it, especially with two white parents. And you know, it's funny, because, you know, I was the type of kid and person who was always caught in the middle from the white community and the black community. But generally, it was me and hundreds of white kids, predominately white school, I think I was one of two black kids in the school. And the strange dynamics about me growing up in that environment was that I was ostracized. But I was also, at some times, considered almost a mascot, if you will. You know, clearly a token. So I would be protected. But I would also be harassed too. To a certain point, of course, because towards midway through high school, I got really big, and all that stuff stopped. Let's just say that.
DB Crema:That helps.
Gabe:Which is great. Of course, this elevated when I got older into, let's say pre-teens and started to date and whatnot. Dating was a huge part of my growing up. Now, you can picture that the suburbs are predominantly white. And let's just say that, that what was available...I'm trying to be very respectful here. What was available, were not not a diversity as far as the dating pool. And the people I had access to were, of course, you know, white girls and whatnot. Which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. But the parents and the friends, they didn't like it. They didn't like it at all. I can't tell you how many times I've even met parents, specifically fathers of not just girlfriends but friends, both male and female, who just did not want me around. And because when you're young, you make light of everything, because you don't understand the gravity of what you're dealing with. So let's say for example, I was out with a group of, let's say six or eight people, and we were wasting time at someone's house. There would have to be these strategic moves to let's say, if the parents come home, where are we going to hide Gabe? You know, what's he gonna do. So
DB Crema:Hiding from them? we would be carrying on and doing what we're not supposed to do. And then we'd see a car come up. And you know then, shit, there's the father and then I would make a mad dash for the back. Now forget about dating a daughter that was always in cloak and dagger mode. That that was, you know, meet somewhere, don't let anyone know. And friends too. Friends of said girlfriend, you know, becaus they could get back to th parents or did you know?
Gabe:Yes, exactly. And there were occasions where parents would find out and threats were made. You know, if you see Gabe, then you know, you're done. What that would mean? I don't know. But I've had personal threats too. Well, if we see you with him, we're gonna, we're gonna hang him or drag me by the car, you know? Absolutely. Yep.
DB Crema:Would they say this to you?
Gabe:I have been told that face to face on a couple of occasions. But I've heard through either the girlfriend who I would no longer see moving forward, or the friends, the communal friends, if you will. That was just commonplace. That happened. One one particular instance, where as I was saying before, there was a group of friends that we met at this friend's house. And she, it was in the afternoon and her paren s weren't home. I was, you know it was like a Saturday aft rnoon, or what have you. I think we were 15 or so. And we were ust sitting in the living room nd drinking, of course, and oing things that we're probab y shouldn't be doing. And t e father and older brother did ome home a bit earlier than they were expected. So what had appened was, you know, surviv l mode. Everyone started to f eak out, clean up, but no one l ft. But they suggested th t I leave. So, you know, I've n ver been to this house before
DB Crema:It didn't matter that, um, that you had white parents? What do you want me to do? Wh t do you want me to go? I'm a fr end too. I mean, the negotiat on necessarily didn't happe that way. But, so I found my wa to the kitchen, to the back do r, and I hid out in the backyar till they came in. Apparent y, the father was really u set just that there was people i his house anyway. Okay. Th n he saw me through the window. hat is he doing here? Who is t at? And I think they said, We l, that's a friend of ours. By that time I was running throug the yard, which in itself is all kinds of stuff. And I was you know, I was trying to ru back home because I lived a few streets away. And appar ntly, he and the older broth r who was with him, they decid d to come after me. They wanted to find me. So they got back i the car. And they they drove all the rest of the friends sta ed there. Because they we e all white. And they went looki g for me. Apparently. They d d not find me because I did make it home okay. But I come to find out later that that's w at they did. And they threaten t e daughter, and they didn't eve want any of the other friends o er again. And they certainly idn't want me there again, so..
Gabe:No, not at all. Not at all, because, what what people see is what they say. I'm black. So it doesn't matter where I come from, who my parents are, who I know, who I don't know. They see black. They see I'm not like them. They didn't care.
DB Crema:Well, I mean, clearly no parent wants to come home and find like a group of kids drinking in their house. But it's telling that like, nobody else moved. That's indicative.
Gabe:Exactly. But not only did they not move, but think about it, they didn't even have the foresight to think well, this is wrong. You know, here's our friend who has to do this, who has to escape before something happens. And we're just sitting here like nothing. I mean, I understand this is a 15 year old brain. So they don't understand. They don't, you know, they don't get the social awareness. So they don't, they don't understand something's wrong, something could happen to one of their friends. And all they think of is, well, as long as we just sit put and be silent, nothing's gonna happen. They're not going to call our parents or what have you. But that's what it was like, you know? And over time you learn to... these mechanisms, you learn over time how to survive in this type of environment. It's awful. It's survival, but it's how life is, especially in that environment. You know?
DB Crema:Like, it doesn't matter where you're from, doesn't matter if you grew up in... Your skin color is your skin color, and that is the only factor.
Gabe:Exactly. Oh man. Meeting parents for the first time. I mean, that's that's a big one. I was dating this this young woman quite a while ago, and it got to the point in the relationship where she desperately wanted me to meet her parents. Having gone through this many times before in the past, that's not something I want to do. You know, especially... I don't know if it's a male thing or what, but it's definitely, it's definitely not a black male thing when you when you're seeing a white woman. It's just not in the cards. But you know, you got to do it. And I remember having discussions with her before the actual dinner, you know, a few days before. You know, what's it going to be like? Should we have an exit exit strategy, so forth? You know. And she was not too concerned about it. Of course, she was in this kind of, like, I'm so excited, he's gonna come and I'm gonna mix the two worlds together and all this... You know, you don't understand. I just want to... you know, we'll have a good time, I just want to understand what to expect. Okay? No, don't worry about it. It's all in your head. Now, let me tell you that I've been told my entire life. It's all in your head. No, it's not. It's, well, it might be in 13.9% of the population in this country's head, but it's their. Apparently, her mother asked her... I'm sorry, this still makes me chuckle. She had asked her, like, I think the day before our dinner. She said, You know, I don't know what to do when he comes to the door. What should I expect? Is he going to have a bone in his nose? She did say that. What do they eat? Not what do I eat? What do they eat? She told me that, I was floored. But I started to laugh. It didn't shock me at all. And actually, just because of my really bad humor and who I am as a person, I actually thought about showing up that night, putting a bone in my nose. I really did. I didn't, because that would just be all kinds of a nightmare for everybody. But, I didn't. And you know, it's unfortunate, but people really do think that way. And anything to show the division between who you are and they are, that's all they can focus on. It goes far beyond skin tone.
DB Crema:Did things ever change for you? of how do you...
Gabe:Yeah, you know, you get older, you have a different perspective on life, you have a different perspective of your surroundings. You learn how to navigate things a lot easier in life. But I'm well aware of the division that we have, not only in this country, but just around the world - how people see me. I also don't care anymore. I don't give a shit anymore. I really don't. You know, people just hate us so much. I can't get over it. But now I found myself getting a lot more, I don't know how to say this,...not angry, but forceful with with my cause and how I want to handle things. Let's just say that. I think it's about time. I'm not a conversation person. I'm an action person. I don't want to hear anyone talk. I don't want to sit down at the table. And I don't want to discuss how we can move forward. I'm done. I'm done with that. I want action. We've talked for over 200 years, I don't want to deal with it anymore. You know, it's just not who I am...now.
DB Crema:What do you mean by you're more forceful? I mean, like, what do you mean by taking action?
Gabe:What I mean by forceful is that, you know, my tolerance level for any kind of interaction that might go south is, I just, I don't tend to laugh it off these days, I tend to get more involved. I'm exhausted, I don't have the fight me to make certain groups happy to make them feel comfortable when they're around me. I mean, for most of my life, I had to do that, which I do know, a lot of people of color have to do that. I mean, you know, be it a job interview or going to the store or, you know, you know, always taking the brunt of a situation that might go south. Oh, that's me. That's my bad, you know, when it's not, you know, that kind of B.S.. I mean, I'm not doing it, you know, but after a while, you know, making yourself small and, in the background or, you know, not seen. I'm done with all that, you know, I don't want to live my life anymore like that. I've had to do that for 40 plus years. It's just not...I don't want to do it. I'm done. So, if something goes south, I think my reactions to that....they're going to be a little different.
DB Crema:Mm hmm.
Gabe:But you know, it's funny because I'm seeing all this stuff happen now with my son. And we often talk about what he's going through. And it brings me right back to when I was his age. He's dealing with the same stuff - meeting parents, groups of people, being shunned by this group, being called names. Certainly he's been harassed by the police. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
DB Crema:What have you talked to your son about?
Gabe:Well, like me when I was his age, when something happens to him, he'll come to me to look, you'll never guess what happened. This happened. Why do they always have to hate us? He throws that one at me all the time. You know, sometimes I'm a little, I don't know what to say. But, you know, oftentimes, hey, look, man, you know, this is something you're gonna have to deal with. But don't let them take you down, man. You know, you have every right to be where you are, who you are. Fight for what you want to do in life, you know, this is your life. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. You know, when it comes to the cops, that's a whole other thing. Like, we've talked about how to deal with the cops and have an I.D. on all the time. Put your hands out there, be respectful. But even if you do that, and that's happened to me too, even if you do, they don't give a shit. They don't care. They don't care if your hands are out the window. If you say, Okay, look, now I'm going to take my hands off the wheel and grab and get my idea what you know, whatever. They don't care, they do not care at all. You know? So we deal a lot with that. He talks to me a lot about that stuff. Yeah, we've talked a lot about that. We didn't talk a lot about this when I was growing up. And I don't know how you can't have those conversations now your kids. Especially in the current climate, it's awful now, it's absolutely awful. So it makes sense that these conversations would be more, you know, commonplace than they were, again, 20 or 30 years ago.
DB Crema:It's more prevalent.
Gabe:Yeah. And because, as I was mentioning earlier, because of how I am now, my tolerance level is virtually non existent at this point. So I tell my son, look, man, this is the way it is. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I'm not gonna say, look, it's going to be okay and if we work together, we can make change. Fuck that. I'm just, I just, I do not feel that way anymore. You know, I try to be a person who embraces everybody, you know. And no matter who you are, where you come from, what you look like, who you sleep with, who you, you know, what you talk about, what you think and, and I want my son to be the same way. But if, people don't accept you... and I'm not going to tolerate - those days are over, forget tolerate. If they don't want to accept you, then it's okay. You don't need them in your life, you know? But if they want to keep you down from advancing, if they want to, you know oppress you in some way, then that's where things have... we got to take a stand. We got to storm the castle, so to speak. And those are the things I share with him right now. I go, not everyone's gonna like you, maybe for who if you're an asshole, you're an asshole. But if you're a black asshole, there's something different there. You know what I mean? You know, you're unfortunately going to have to live, this is what I tell him, in a time where eople just do not like you for t e way you look. It's nothing
DB Crema:Yeah. Yeah.
Gabe:You know, I just know for me, I just hope that you know, the rest of my time on this planet, you know, is good. Like I hope for everybody. I hope for you. I hope it's it's good I hope for my son it's goo. You know, cuz he has his whole life ahead of him. And I don't want, I don't want him to have t experience too much stuff. ight now, it's pretty bad. But'm hopeful that we'll get hrough this. I really am. But f not, I'm ready to throw down.
DB Crema:Thanks for listening to United States of Race. This podcast was produced by me DB Crema. Our artwork is designed by Aly Creative, and our ecordings are done via Squadc stFM. With everything being re ote these days, Squadcast del vers studio quality remote rec rding for all your podcast nee s. If you love great sto ytelling, you can follow Uni ed States of Race on Spo ify, Apple podcasts, or whe ever you get your podcasts. An show us some love by rating an writing a review on Apple Podca ts are Podchaser. You can also s are this podcast with your f iends, and anyone who believ s in the power of buildi g connection through sharin personal stories. And you ca follow us on Instagram at uni edstatesofrace. And as always, i you, Yes, you, have a compellin story to share and would like to be featured in an upcom ng episode. Send us a message at unitedstatesofrace@gmail.co. Until next time,