They say time heals all wounds, but the pain of losing a child is a chasm that can seem insurmountable. Jamie Lee Silver joins us, courageously opening up about her son's passing just shy of his 22nd birthday. Today we navigate the often avoided conversation about grief, and how society's discomfort with deep emotions can add a layer of isolation to an already unbearable experience. Jamie introduces us to the practice of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Tapping, a lifeline for many who are drowning in the despair of loss, merging the wisdom of Eastern and Western healing to carve out a space for solace and support.
In this heart-to-heart, we also walk through the story of a mother turning pain into celebration, an incredible testimony to the power of EFT in transforming anticipatory grief into a remembrance filled with joy. The technique's simplicity, the rhythmic tapping, the whispered affirmations — these become the backdrop to which we discuss the cognitive clarity and emotional release that EFT can bring. Listen in...
They say time heals all wounds, but the pain of losing a child is a chasm that can seem insurmountable. Jamie Lee Silver joins us, courageously opening up about her son's passing just shy of his 22nd birthday. Today we navigate the often avoided conversation about grief, and how society's discomfort with deep emotions can add a layer of isolation to an already unbearable experience. Jamie introduces us to the practice of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Tapping, a lifeline for many who are drowning in the despair of loss, merging the wisdom of Eastern and Western healing to carve out a space for solace and support.
In this heart-to-heart, we also walk through the story of a mother turning pain into celebration, an incredible testimony to the power of EFT in transforming anticipatory grief into a remembrance filled with joy. The technique's simplicity, the rhythmic tapping, the whispered affirmations — these become the backdrop to which we discuss the cognitive clarity and emotional release that EFT can bring. Listen in...
The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.
Stephanie:
Welcome to As I Live and Grieve, a podcast that tells the truth about how hard this is. We're glad you joined us today. We know how hard it is to lose someone you love and how well-intentioned friends and family try so hard to comfort us. We created this podcast to provide you with comfort, knowledge and support. We are grief advocates, not professionals, not licensed therapists. We are YOU.
Kathy:
Hi everyone, welcome back again to another episode of As I Live and Grieve. I'm so grateful that you tune back in week after week. Every episode is very special to me and you know I love each and every one of my guests. Today's no different. With me today is Jamie Lee Silver. Jamie Lee, thank you so much here. I am calling you, Jamie Lee, like we've known each other for years, like we're sisters. Thanks so much for joining me today.
Kathy:
Jamie: Oh, thanks so much for having me on. Kathy, I'm really happy to be here.
Kathy:
Kathy:
Kathy:
Oh, absolutely, this is going to be a great conversation, but before we get started, I always ask my guests if they will kind of introduce themselves to our listeners. Just tell our listeners a little bit about your background.
Kathy:
Jamie: Sure, thanks for asking. Well, my background is I was always somebody who was interested in generating happiness from the inside, from the earliest time I can remember and really thought everything in my life was going to be just fine and everything was going to be great forever and ever and ever. And then I had a young son, my second, who ended up not making it past his 22nd birthday. And I'm sorry, I'm just expressing my empathy. Thank you. And he was a love and a delight and just the kind of person that we finished each other's sentences and we laughed together all the time.
Kathy:
And he got sick and I was faced with -- I realized I was on this precipice, this turning point that as a mother like I was born to keep my child alive I mean that was my mission in life was to protect my children. And I had this overwhelming sense of failure that I hadn't done that. And I discovered a tool called Emotional Freedom Techniques EFT tapping which I later became clinically certified in so that I could help others and it has greatly helped me on my grief journey and really that's why I'm here and I'm just delighted to be here with you, Kathy.
Kathy:
Kathy: Well, it's certainly my pleasure to have you here and your story is so touching, it's so difficult and I know I've mentioned in some of my podcast episodes that I lost a son, but as an infant, Lee was less than 24 hours old when he died. I had never held him, touched him, never seen him, because he was whisked off to another facility. And I know that's difficult even today for me, because my grief was -- it was stuffed. It was almost like this never happened. It was just me that had that experience. But when you have a child, a son that you have watched grow, that has become a young man and adult themselves, and then you have to, you have to give them up.
Kathy:
Yeah, I just can only imagine the devastation that you must feel, and not that I like to compare, but I can only imagine that losing a child is even more devastating than losing a spouse, because all of your dreams go with that child, all of your dreams. Now you mentioned EFT, which, in truth, one of the very first episodes we did as a podcast was on the technique of EFT. Our podcast was new enough and we treated it in a certain way, but I am doubly glad today to be able to circle back to this, because I just know in our conversation it's going to be far more meaningful to me and it's going to become a better resource. So can you explain to me how something that just to me seemingly sounds so simple as tapping your fingers together? And I don't, please excuse me again, I'm naive on this issue, so I'm only imagining. This is what I think of when I think of EFT. How can something like that possibly be helpful?
Kathy:
It's such a great question. Such a great question, Kathy.
Kathy:
Emotional freedom techniques. EFT is a blending kind of Eastern and Western philosophies and practices, because what is called chi, or the energy that goes through your body, is very similar to the nervous system. So what I like to tell people who I'm working with is that I'm teaching and I do view myself as a teacher because EFT is largely a self-help phenomenon so I teach you how to do it and then you can do it for yourself at various times. But what it is is tapping with the fingertips on certain acupressure points, mostly on the upper part of the body, the side of the hand, top of the head, eyebrow point, side of the eye. There will be a quiz, just kidding, underneath the eye. As a matter of fact, I do have a download for the guests and I'll send it to you that has close-up pictures and a sample of it, and under the nose, under the lip and collarbone point, and I'll send it to you that has those different pictures and a sample of it, and under the nose, under the lip and collarbone point, and when you tap on those points, like you know how and you used the best phrase when you were describing what must have been just a really, really gut-wrenching experience for you, and I'm so sorry that you experienced that and it sounds like you didn't know if you would, o bviously you didn't know if you would ever see this little being again and I'm so sorry. And you said you stuffed those emotions. You said you stuffed those emotions and we live an emotion phobic society.
Kathy:
And it's all too easy for us to almost like Scarlett O'Hara, like I'll think about that tomorrow, I'll grieve tomorrow. But grief is like picture a balloon and inside that balloon is all the feelings that you don't want to feel right and you push it under the water. And no matter how far you push it under the water, it's always trying to rear its little head. And what we accomplish in EFT tapping is the allowance of that emotion in this safe setting where I'm guiding you along the path of being able to say that, even though I feel what I feel, it's okay to feel it and as we're tapping, that feeling lifts and the body has been.
Kathy:
When you go through traumatic stress, which many deaths have, at least one, sometimes more, elements of that right, your body goes into fight, flight or freeze. And one of the first things that I learned when I was going through Ben's illness and then death when I studied EFT, was that the emotions live in the body and that, to me, was a revelation. I don't know what I thought emotions were, but I did not know that they lived in the body. So, knowing that they live in the body, EFT can help you tune into where in the body you're feeling something. And as you tune into that and as you're tapping that, even though I feel this sadness and I feel it in my chest, I deeply and completely accept myself. As you're tapping on that, it begins to lift, and it begins to lift more and more and more.
Kathy:
And as you continue on with EFT, you really kind of get to the basis of whatever it is. That's really troubling. So, for me, what really troubled me was I'm a mom and I was supposed to keep my son alive. There's no two ways about that. That's in my DNA. And as we went on in his illness and I lived for two and a half years waking up with nothing but the thought of how can I keep Ben alive today? How can I help Ben today? What can I do? What can I do, and all throughout the day, doing everything I possibly could, that when he died, all I could think of was I wish I had this and if only I had that. And that's the stuff that keeps you awake at night and the EFT tapping was what freed me from that. It was like so gripping that I know that there are people out there who are not free from that. That is why I became clinically trained so that I could help those people, because it's a horrible feeling, right?
Kathy:
So many things that you said just resonated with me. So let me try to start. First of all, that phrase fight or flight. I had never heard the word freeze added onto that, but now that that has been added, that makes even more sense. And especially when we're talking about grief, we don't have just that flight or fright, fight or flight, because the fight usually by the time we've lost someone, there's no fight left in us. Yeah, there is no fight. There's nothing we can do to jostle that Flight. You know, there's no way that we can run away from it because it's going to go with us wherever we go. Yep, so by adding that word freeze, that adds that component of reality.
Kathy:
Yeah, and many times that's what it feels like to be at that phase of grief You're frozen, yeah, frozen in time. You cannot figure out what you need to do, what you should do or anything, except allow yourselves to be overwhelmed with all of these thoughts of guilt of being a failure. And, like you say, you know, moms, we're meant to protect our children and keep them alive until our dying day. Yes, I don't believe it was ever truly intended that we outlive our kids. That is one of the most difficult, difficult things, and I know a few people in my network who have lost children either as infants or even as adults, and there's no, no easy path, and so many of them are really struggling seemingly in that same initial phase of devastation Six or seven years later, where, for myself, after losing my husband six plus years ago now, I've progressed through different phases of it. Grief now is kind of wrapped around me. It's part of my life. It's still with me wherever I go, but I have learned how to make it part of me and by making it part of me, I've learned how to support others that are grieving. But when that involves the loss of a child, it's so, so hard to see people suffer.
Kathy:
Now, how exactly did you discover EFT?
Kathy:
It was through the Tapping Solution, Nick Ortner and Jessica Ortner, I think it was on Facebook and they said that Louise Hay considered it the most important modalities to have come along in her lifetime and I greatly revere and respect Louise Hay considered it the most important modality to have come along in her lifetime and I greatly revere and respect Louise Hay. And the first time I tried to do it, when I said I deeply and completely love and accept myself, I couldn't say it without weeping and I thought maybe this can help be a bridge from wanting to love myself, which everybody always tells you that and I always thought, well, that's a darn good idea. I really want to love myself. And when I started tapping with those words, I thought maybe this is a bridge to the actual experience of loving myself. So I pursued it partly with that in mind. And Ben got sick soon after that and I tapped to the best of my ability soon after that and I tapped to the best of my ability. But then, once Ben had died and I moved to Florida, I decided that I was going to learn tapping so completely that if any beautiful human being trusted me enough to sit in front of me to go through a tapping sequence, that I would know exactly what to do. So I put myself through various and I'm still I'm always learning. But I put myself through various certification programs Some were really intense to learn how to do it Right.
Kathy:
So you actually discovered and started your self-practicing EFT while Ben was ill?
Kathy:
Jamie: Yes, and I used it on him sometimes too.
Kathy:
Kathy: Okay, all right, and so this did it help you in this what they call anticipatory phase of grief?
Kathy:
Jamie: Oh, absolutely, and it has since, and I help people with that a lot. You know, I had one client whose daughter died at childbirth and her granddaughter survived, and she came to me because every year she wanted to celebrate her granddaughter's birthday. But on the other hand, she was gripped with all of this anticipatory pain. And what a difficult situation. Yeah, what a difficult situation, what a difficult situation. And we tapped through all of that, which means we tapped on into the future, like, picture yourself in this Pictures and then how do you feel? And we tapped through all of that. So when it came to the day she said that she was able to celebrate more fully it was her daughter's, her granddaughter's 10th birthday than she ever had, ever since her granddaughter had been born. Wow, so difficult to remember in death. At the same time, you're celebrating a life
Kathy:
Kathy: We J?? ?
Kathy:
We talk about making the complex more complex, honestly, honestly so
Kathy:
Jamie: What Toddler question. I have what I call my toddler questions. They're also very simple questions such that a toddler might ask but I can't not ask it, so I label it this is my toddler question and we get it phrased correctly here. This sounds very simple tapping a finger. You mentioned, while you are speaking to yourself, a statement. It's the combination, then, of those things.
Kathy:
Does the rhythm matter? Does the timing, the pacing matter? What a great question. Not really, but you do tend to fall into a rhythm. You know, I just saw a client right before this and we were tapping. It was actually some anticipatory anxiety about a thing that was coming up and I had her picture herself on the stage at that point and she was tapping, even though I feel this anxiety just thinking about and she said in my chest, we gave it a number. It was anxiety at a level four. I deeply and
Kathy:
Kathy: So accept myself and I'm soothing myself then, h ow and we did a couple of rounds of tapping and you know what the beautiful thing is that tapping helps do and I know
Kathy:
Jamie: When going to resonate with this and that is, it helps you clear your brain so you can think more clearly.
Kathy:
Kathy: It's of the fight, flight or fright symptoms of having too much cortisol is that our ability to have the blood where we need it, in the front part of the brain. It's just gone, and I know a lot of people who, after they've gone through a really bad, are in the midst of grief, start thinking that they're losing their minds at the same time, and this greatly helped me. Yeah, our brain sometimes can be our worst enemy, because there are all those thoughts in our brain that we just we can't clear them out. So how, as part of EFT then? How do you clear them out? You mentioned it clears the cortisol or whatever. But what do you do to make that happen?
Kathy:
Jamie: It is are tapping and using the reminder phrase, which is, even though I feel name an emotion for me, what emotion Could you? Even though I grief, even though I feel this grief in my chest, I deeply and completely accept myself and, some might add, I comfort and soothe myself. Now, and then you tap on the top of your head. You do that three times. Even though I feel this grief in my throat, I deeply and completely accept myself and you write down the number that, like it's a level 11. Maybe it's just this overwhelming feeling, but I would also say this is ideally done with a practitioner mirroring you. So you're in a self-capsule, which is why I became a practitioner to help people through those moments and what I teach. That are some easy not easy but I remember when Ben, the first few days after and I would wake up with this scream in my heart and just like this can't be possible. And I would tap on myself and say, even though I feel this extreme emotion, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, allowing that emotion to be and to pass through me. But I feel like you might have another question that I'm not answering here. What would that be? It's a question that was just coming up, in fact, the idea about having a practitioner, yet the experience that you just mentioned you probably didn't have a practitioner at that moment in time Is it just more successful?
Kathy:
Is it like keeping you on track, like accountability, if you're doing it with a practitioner that's marrying you, or is that really only for the initial phase, as you're learning it and learning to trust that this is going to work for you? Great question. One of the people I'm working with right
Kathy:
Kathy: Yes now is a widow and we've been working together for almost a year and she is really appreciating the work that we're doing together as she goes through this first year. I have worked with people and I do work with people for shorter amounts of time. The thing is, when you work with a trans, with I'm a guide and your intuition and my intuition work together. It's not all me saying, here's what you do, this is what you do.
Kathy:
It's me saying which feels stronger right now. Is it the anger or is it the sadness? And you would say, right now it's the anger, and I'm like, okay, great, we're going to take the anger and we're going to tap on that, and then other emotions may come up, but at the end of the session astute, is this feeling of relief that you've gone somewhere, that you have accomplished something.
Kathy:
Kathy: I I do want to add that what I'm talking about here and what I'm sharing isn't a substitute for counseling or medical advice., and that the information is something informative and educate, without making any kinds of guarantees of anything. That's just important that I add that. But I have lots of stories. Yes, I agree. I agree with that completely. I mean, there are always instances where someone is going to be just so, so immersed in grief that they're going to need different kinds of help. What we're talking about with EFT is a modality that, as you're progressing and moving forward, this may just offer you a bit more relief, and my assessment is that it provides you with some direction. Heaven knows, we all want to be moving forward.
Kathy:
By repeating these statements that are types of affirmations, you're not only confirming that this is what you're doing, but you're giving yourself, your inner self, permission to allow these things to happen, because it is by these things happening that are going to help you continue to move forward. Is that a fair assessment? That is a very astute yes, astute assessment, and one thing I'd say is oh, there's this talk about okay, are we tapping in a good feeling or are we tapping out bad feeling? And I would say we need to start in the present moment, which is why, if I say, even though I feel this anger, I deeply and completely accept myself Right, like we've got to accept our feelings and tap about them and get them out before we can go, wow, I feel so much joy. It's a process. Yes, yes, we do have to accept those feelings. We have to validate them, because if we don't, we're just stuffing them.
Kathy:
Jamie: It's know so We people and it does no good, and I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I am speaking from experience Stuffing those feelings is not going to help you get anywhere, other than years later in my case, decades later when you reach a point where at last, for whatever reason, you are dealing with those feelings that you stuffed decades ago. They are every bit. They hurt as
Kathy:
Kathy: We people and it does no good, and I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I am speaking from experience Stuffing those feelings is not going to help you get anywhere, other than years later in my case, decades later when you reach a point where at last, for whatever reason, you are dealing with those feelings that you stuffed decades ago. They are every bit. They hurt as much, if not more, because now you've added other feelings on, like why did I do that to myself? What was I thinking? Now you've added all these other feelings on that you've been stuffing for years.
Kathy:
So h to summarize, I guess EFT Kathy is a modality, it
Kathy:
Kathy: Thank a suggested method
Kathy:
to help you deal with some of the emotions and feelings, and those two are different. I'm still working that out, but emotions and feelings are different consciousness, a very matter-of-fact, focused method process and, as with anything, anytime you can do it with a buddy, so to speak, a coach, your success rate is going to be higher. Not only your success rate, but the amount of time it takes is only going to be higher because you have someone there guiding you along the way. Sometimes when
Kathy:
Jamie: Oh say, okay, I got Kathy, no problem, I got it all figured out,
Kathy:
I'll just handle it by myself. Thank you so much. And you go home and before you know it, you start to take shortcut. Maybe your shortcut is that all right, I'll skip that part of it today, I'm just going to do the tapping part. . gmail.
Kathy:
Kathy: That sounds wonderful, Jamie. Thank you. I important, especially when you're trying something for the first time, to have that coach, and once you move along and you realize that this modality is something that's helping you, then perhaps you could try some of it on your own. But it's always nice to have that coach available for a little checkup here and there, a little touch base. How are you doing today? Are you still progressing? Yeah, Jamie we offer EFT as a suggestion for people who are grieving, and that's really my purpose, my intent for having Jane Lee come on today and talk in great detail about this. Last time we talked about EFT, we did not discuss it in this detail, so I'm so tickled that we got to that aspect of it today. But since we have think about it and this is for you, my listener If your grief continues to be something you're really, really struggling with and you just don't know which way to turn, we all know that Western medicine can offer us pills for depression, for anxiety, etc.
Kathy:
Etc. Etc. We know there are numerous holistic again methods out there and it's always good to research some of the options available. We are merely offering you EFT, which to me sounds like such a peaceful, kind, serene modality that you might consider. How could you not benefit from any statement that just tells you to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, admit that that's what you're feeling and then offer you something to focus on so you might try to work the negative feelings out, clear your mind and allow some positivity in. That positivity will do so much for your healing, not only your mental healing Jamie your. emotional
Kathy:
Jamie: Thank your spiritual Kathy healing,
Kathy:
and the wonderful side effect of this all is once those things fall into your place, you'll get physical healing out of it too. What do you think, jamie? Oh, that was a masterpiece info@asiliveandgrieve. com and well said. Thank you so much.
Kathy:
Sadly, our time is winding down. I think we've conveyed to people that this is a non-intrusive method. It involves no medications, no altered states of consciousness. No medications, no altered states of consciousness, none of that, just a very simple methodic process that they can consider. They can do more research, and in a little bit I'm going to turn the microphone over to you so you can tell them how they might find you and, in finding you, find more resources and more information on EFT. This is your turn. The floor is yours. Oh, thank you so much, kathy. This has been a wonderful conversation, thank you.
Kathy:
You can find me at tapforhappinesscom. My name is Jamie Lee Silver and my program is called the Silver Lining System for Going from Grief to Gratitude, and that is what happens. I am thrilled with gratitude that I had that boy for 22 years and tapping helped me get there. I have a gift for your listeners Tap your way to a joyful day, your way to a joyful day and that you can access by sending me an email at tapforhappiness, at gmailcom, and I will send that to you. And also, if any of your listeners want to spend a little time on Zoom or the telephone with me since I do work via Zoom all over the world that please send me an email. We will set up a time and we can do a little talking and see if this is something that you'd like to do. There's never any pressure, just you know, get your questions answered and find out where you want to get to. That sounds wonderful. We will make sure and include the email for your handout, as well as the contact information that they can reach you to schedule a little consultation time or question and answer period, call it what you will. We'll make sure to include that in the podcast notes and on our website with the episode as well. Such a wonderful gift you're offering.
Kathy:
I love it when our guests say reach out to me here and let's just talk. Let's just talk, because so much of success for me with a coach, of whatever modality, is the relationship that you have with that person. Yeah, and I have to tell you podcasters, listeners out there you're hearing us talk. You do not see the beautiful smile and the beautiful demeanor that is on the face of Jeannie Lee in front of me. You will be enriched with just moments in discussion with her. I know you will. So please consider taking her up on her offer no obligation, as she says, and you will be enriched, and your life will be enriched, for that contact, trust me.
Kathy:
So for today, we have to say farewell Again. Thank you so much for listening in today. I hope you'll think about EFT. Certainly go to Jamie Lee's website where you'll find more information about it. Consider it. It sounds to me like such a delicate but successful solution to help us move through grief. Likely we'll grieve for the rest of our lives, matter of fact. But I hope you can move through it and, like me and like Jamie Lee, find happiness in your grief. Hold your grief, treasure your memories, but find happiness as we all continue to live and grieve. Thank you, jamie Lee, thank you, kathy.
Stephanie:
Thank you so much for listening with us today. Do you have a topic that you'd like us to cover or do you have a question from one of our episodes? Please email us at info at asiliveandgrievecom and let us know. We hope you will find a moment to leave a review, send an email and share with others. Join us next time as we continue to live and grieve together.
