You Do You

Join us on a heartfelt journey through the highs and lows of motherhood as we sit down with our special guest, Grace, to unpack the divisive debate between stay-at-home and working moms. We tackle the harsh realities of mom judgement and the guilt that shadows the decisions we make for our children's upbringing and education. Listen in as we share personal stories and confront the unnecessary criticism that clouds the joy of parenting, emphasizing the importance of choosing paths that bring us happiness, be it in the workforce or at home with our little ones.

Transcript

00:02 - Jess (Host)
If you're new here, welcome. And if you came back, oh God bless ya. Thank you for coming back. This is the Jesus Fix it podcast. With Jess, we talk about everything. Life. It's craziness, it's ups and downs, cause you know what Jesus can fix it and he can handle it all. 

00:24
I'm so excited today because I have a friend. I am not alone today. Say, hey Grace, hey there, amazing Grace. Okay. How often do you hear that? Probably like twice a day. Okay, I'm sorry, you are amazing though. Oh, thanks, okay. So my friend Grace is here. She's actually our office manager here at Spirit. She's new to the team, and I just wanted another mom to sit in here and talk to me today because I am scrolling through social media and you know how it is when you're on social media. 

00:56
Sometimes you get sucked into things and the next thing I know I am on this post and literally had to stop and get a snack and come back. Because now for real, though, because I think I sat and watched like women go back and forth on this post for a good hour. Like an hour and a half of my life, I watched this post. It was stay at home moms and working moms going in on each other, like fighting. Yeah, it was like arguing and I was just like, here we are in 2024. 

01:33
Is this still a thing? Is it still like a battle? Like, do moms still argue with each other about, oh, you're a bad mom because you work and leave your kids every day, oh, you're a bad mom because you stay home and like. I just feel like mom in is hard anyway, and we all like as moms, first of all, if you're a dad and listening, we don't mean to leave you out today. Please keep on listening to Jesus, fix it. But this is just something that really caught my attention because I just feel like, as moms, there's always something. Even as dads, there's always something you feel guilty about. Right, Absolutely. 

02:13
And then there's this one more thing, like comparing, comparison. For me there's like this weight thing, like there's always something personally like your weight, whether it's am I doing enough? I don't know why. Did I throw weight in there? With being a mom, I'm always just, it's always a weight thing with me, but not just that, but just like mom stuff. Did I do the right thing? Am I saying the right things? Just something. But then there's this like are we still battling each other over? 

02:45 - Grace (Guest)
this. Well, I've never personally encountered a battle about homeschooling versus public schools or private schools. What that? 

02:54 - Jess (Host)
may be, or stay at home. Or stay at home, moms, with our kids. That's a whole other issue too, whether you send your kids to public school, whether you send your kids to private school, whether you're home school. 

03:02 - Grace (Guest)
I mean ugh. I mean, like you said, mothering is hard on its own and we all get down on ourselves, as it is the idea that there are moms out there who are, instead of uplifting and encouraging each other and giving some ideas to help along the way that they're just bringing each other down. That just doesn't really sit well with me. Yeah, like are we still here? 

03:32 - Jess (Host)
In 2024, we're still arguing over this. Like I just feel there's gotta be a point in which you just let people do you Whatever it is for you that's gonna make you happy. Now I've done both, Like I've been a stay at home mom and I've been a working mom. And being a stay at home mom wasn't my thing. Now, later in life, now that my kids are grown I mean, you have a little one. How's your little girl? She'll be six this February. Now, when my kids were that age, I did enjoy staying home with them. I only stayed home with them for about maybe two years, and then I enjoyed working outside of the home. I've always enjoyed that. Now that they are out of the house, I do look forward to retirement one day. 

04:23 - Grace (Guest)
I enjoy having my own time back. 

04:25 - Jess (Host)
You can, you can I do, but I gotta say I don't mean that I enjoyed being away from them, because when I was away from them I did miss them, of course, and I did feel guilty sometimes. I felt guilty when I would see, like, stay at home moms, they got to actually do crafts with them and they actually got to spend, you know, gobs of time with them, more time than I was able to spend with my kids, I did have that guilt. 

04:52
But then also I would see some stay at home moms even more tired at the end of the day because they felt like they didn't get enough time for themselves. So then I felt like, oh, I still have some me time, Some me time yeah. 

05:07
Yeah, so I guess it just depends and I just felt like it wasn't for me. But then I know there's one of my friends who's a stay-at-home mom and she's like I couldn't imagine like being away from my kids. I feel sorry for you. Oh, you know. So I guess it's just and she didn't mean that in a bad way, you know, I just feel like we are just in a culture that just really judges each other. 

05:31 - Grace (Guest)
Yes, yeah, for sure, I'm actually kind of in the same boat with you. I just know on my personal abilities, that I could not homeschool, as much as I want to have that and be able to do that for my daughter. I just know I am a person who likes to be outside of the home, working outside of the home. Yes, I wanna be there and be able to monitor and engage with my daughter and what's being poured into her, because I mean, you know them kids at schools man, they're mean, they say some crazy stuff. Yeah, my kids have picked up some. Yeah. So, with that being said, I just don't see where, because you only know what your child is, you know what they need in life, you know you're able to guide them and to a certain extent, but I don't see where we need to get to the point of bringing each other down, because every mom has their own abilities and their own skills. 

06:31 - Jess (Host)
Yeah, you know what your child needs and you know what you need. 

06:34 - Grace (Guest)
Yeah, exactly, and I miss my daughter too. I mean, her father and I are separated, so in those couple of days that I don't have her, I miss her. And then there's also those couple of days that I do have her, and it's not that I'm trying to get rid of her, but it's just like okay, let's all take a deep breath. 

06:54 - Jess (Host)
I can breathe. I can breathe, yes, I so get that too. There's also the element of when I first went through divorce and I became a single mom. I had to work Like I didn't have a choice. Exactly, we're in that, like if we wanted to eat I had to work outside the home, like I didn't have a choice. I didn't have that choice. 

07:16
And, being a Christian at church, I remember the church I was going to back then and I really got a lot of judgment from my church and that hurt. It's not the church I go to now, so I have some church hurt from that aspect and that really hurt, because I think sometimes in the Christian community this is not all churches, this is not all Christians. So please don't come for me. I say this in love please don't come for me, but I just feel like, being a Christian, there's that misconception that it's still women are meant to stay with the kids or you're supposed to homeschool. I felt a lot of pressure from that as well, because I know the church I was going to. When some of the ladies in the church found out I wasn't a stay-at-home mom or that I wasn't homeschooling, that was like oh Well and see, there's that standard, traditional role that mothers are looked to be a part of in their household. 

08:17 - Grace (Guest)
but we're just not in that time era anymore. I mean, god bless you if you are able to survive off of one income or if you're in a situation where your child is in a separated relationship between the mom and dad, be that whatever it is, but it's just not that time period anymore where people can survive just on one income solely. 

08:39 - Jess (Host)
Yeah, and, like you said, if you can do it, awesome, great, that is awesome, that is good for you. We just weren't able to do that. I would have loved it if I could go to my ex-husband and say, listen, I know we're not married anymore, but I still want you to support all of us. That wouldn't have went over well. Now he's very good. He supports his children. But I doubt it if he wanted to support me for the rest of my life, understood. Supporting the kids yeah, that's non-negotiable. But supporting me? 

09:15
and my shoes and all the things, all your shopping sprees. I doubt Not that I got to do a lot of that when I was newly divorced, but yeah, that was non-negotiable. But yeah, I guess what was really disheartening was really seeing these ladies just go back and forth with each other, and most of these ladies or ladies are ladies that are Believers. Yeah, and that's so sad to me because we're supposed to be building each other up. Where is the love? Where is the love? And I just feel, like you know, sometimes we get so legalistic and caught up in our own, like we can have our own beliefs and do what's best for us, but sometimes we just try to force those things on other people and I admit I can be judgy, I'm trying to work on that but we have the right to do what's best for us and then just respect other people's decisions to do what's best for them. 

10:14 - Grace (Guest)
It's really that simple. I don't know why people have to complicate it so much sometimes. But yeah, just, you know, we, we are. We are God's jars of clay. You know he hides our treasures inside of us. It doesn't matter anything that's outside of our inner selves. You know, it's not about the house, it's not about our careers, it's what we can and cannot do for our kids. 

10:37
You know, everything is within side, these clay jars, and you know, when people can finally be able to accept that God will provide them an open mind, a judgment free mind, and be able to just love each other and cause. Everybody's circumstances are completely, a hundred percent different. Everybody's kids are a hundred percent different. You know, I know it. Yeah, so just the end of the day, there's Mama's. There's no reason to be bringing each other down. Let's just come on. No, not, not, it's hard enough as it is. 

11:10 - Jess (Host)
I know Mama ain't easy, I say that all the time. Okay, now, I'm known for going completely off the subject and off topic, so okay, so you mentioned and you do not have to answer this because I'm catching you completely off guard and off topic so you can decline to answer this question. So you mentioned you were separated. How do you get along with your daughter's father? Do y'all co-parent really really well? How is that dynamic for you? Yeah? 

11:39 - Grace (Guest)
No, I'm happy to share because it's something that I feel God had blessed me with. I want to be able to share it and boast about it, that it's been a true blessing from God that my daughter her name's Fiona that her father and I, you know, we separated on amicable terms and we co-parent very well. 

12:00 - Jess (Host)
Yeah. 

12:01 - Grace (Guest)
And it's kind of become a rare thing, a rare commodity in this day and age. 

12:06
We're there too, yeah, yeah. So my now fiance. When we first started dating, you know he came from the same situation. Him and his wife had divorced. It wasn't as blissful and it took him some time to get used to how well you know her father and I communicated, even down to the point like we still cared about each other. You know, even if it wasn't fully about Fiona at that moment, if we had a question, just to see how each other were doing, is there anything I can do to help you take something off your plate? That way you can be better for Fiona, Just like, let me know, and we've been able to really cherish that relationship and know that it's to her benefit at the end. 

12:48 - Jess (Host)
I am so glad to hear that, because me and my ex we have that type of relationship as well. We've been divorced for so, so long One of my sons was three months old and the other son was three years old Since we've been divorced. But we've always remained a united front as parents and we've always remained friends. Now, I'm not gonna say it hasn't been easy, we've always. Well, that was when we separated the first time, because we did get back together and then right, before I started seeing it Same here is that. 

13:25
But we have always remained really, really close to for the kids and even when we were arguing or weren't getting along in front of them, we were always a united front and we truly are friends. Like I just called him the other day and was like is my car a four-wheel drive or two-wheel drive? He was like your car is a no-wheel drive. I mean like he's always just been there and a lot of people are like y'all really don't get along like that. And I'm like, yeah, we genuinely do. Even like if I was dating someone, they couldn't believe that y'all aren't friends. There's gotta be something going. I'm like, no, legit, we just we have kids. We're gonna always be connected in that way and I just wanna encourage people to do that. If you find yourself in a situation where you've tried counseling, you've prayed about it and this relationship it's just not gonna work out and you have kids or kids involved, I just pray that people can find a way to have that peace because it is so freeing it is it really is. 

14:32
It is such a blessing to be able to get along and to still be a family and people. They just don't believe that that is possible and you just have to pray through it and you just have to just find a way. And I know there were just many, many nights that I would just ask God to just help me through it and he did. And so it's just refreshing to know that there are other people out there who have found that peace, who have found that forgiveness, who have that hope, yes and who can get along, especially for your child. 

15:09
That's just such a freeing thing. I just can't really just explain how much more easy and peaceful your life will be if you can find that common ground. Yeah, and. 

15:22 - Grace (Guest)
I was. This was right before we decided to separate and I was having the conversation with a family member about it, saying things aren't just working out. We tried and their response was well, you don't want your daughter being brought up in a broken home. And I sat there and thought about that for a second. I'm like you know there's really not gonna be too much brokenness about it as long as she knows that her mother and her father love her, her mother and father care about each other still, and then, most importantly, that God loves her. I don't really see where the brokenness is in that scenario, but I pray that for the ladies and the fathers out there too, absolutely Just. It is worth so much to just try to get along. You're not gonna get along about everything, but to just have that common ground of what God already asks and commands us to do, which is love another. You know, I mean even to love your enemy. He's telling us to do that. Okay, at least practice with caring about and showing some love to your other. 

16:26 - Jess (Host)
So the person you had kids with Exactly, at least you can do, yeah, okay, so I have to ask and again, thank you, thank you for being here. 

16:36 - Grace (Guest)
Oh, thank you for having me. 

16:38 - Jess (Host)
Just having a conversation with me, okay, and so what I'd like to ask anybody who is on Jesus fix it with Jess, if there could be. I know there are tons of things we would love Jesus to come fix, but just for today, if there was one thing you could ask Jesus, please fix it. 

16:55 - Grace (Guest)
What would it be? Oh, this is something that I have to proclaim or pray to God about every day is just to give me the peace of mind to not stress the little things. I'm with you and I mean, and just when I mean little things, I mean the little things, oh okay, I'm constantly. Just I'll sing this little thing in the morning or just throughout the day I'll say, like, keep it working on me, lord, and when I start singing that he knows what I'm talking about. It's to give me peace of mind, just to let go and not stress the little things that are completely out of my control and I shouldn't even be stressing over in the first place. 

17:40 - Jess (Host)
See, I don't even need to say anything, she just said a whole word right there. Ha ha, ha, ha ha. 

17:49 - Grace (Guest)
Friends to laugh with and be real with the Peas and Carrots Podcast with Brian and Kayla Sanders. Check out peasandcarrotspodcast.com or search Peas & Carrots wherever you listen.