Valerie Maksym - Author - Maksymizing Life

Valerie Maksym, author of Maksymizing Life: Turn Self Doubt into Self Confidence. After two divorces Valerie found herself alone for the first time in her life. She took this opportunity to embark on a journey of self discovery. This determination led Valerie to discover her passion for fitness, and eventually becoming a nationally qualified NPC figure bodybuilder competitor. An author, a parent, personal trainer and life coach makes this episode of Papamutes a valuable lesson in  breaking free from limiting beliefs and embracing our inner superhero, we all have the potential to create the life we were meant to live.

photos: courtesy of v. maksym

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Transcript

Speaker 1:

You're listening to Unmuted with Papamutes.

Papamutes:

Welcome to Papamutes, everybody. Today my guest is Valerie Maksym. Valerie is the author of Maksymizing Life, Turn Self-Doubt into Self-Confidence. A mother of four, grandmother of two, a personal trainer and a body building competitor. I'm thrilled to have her on. Valerie, welcome to Papamutes.

Valerie Maksym:

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Papamutes:

Now you're in Texas. Is that where you were born?

Valerie Maksym:

I was born in Michigan and I've lived in Texas since I was six years old.

Papamutes:

How was your, just briefly, childhood? Normal, typical, or did you move around a lot?

Valerie Maksym:

We didn't move around too much. I was born in Michigan, we moved to Texas when I was six. Went back to Michigan for one year because my dad was working for his dad, and then we came back to Texas and been back here since. And my mom lives in the same house I lived in from when I was seven years old, she's still in the same house.

Papamutes:

Wow. Now, which part of Texas are you in?

Valerie Maksym:

We're north of Houston.

Papamutes:

Okay. So we fast forward through two marriages. Looking back, hindsight's 2020, and no one wants to go through a divorce, especially twice. But do you feel it was a blessing in disguise, even though it may have been painful because now I'm assuming you're in a better spot?

Valerie Maksym:

Yes, absolutely. Yes, for sure. Looking back, I've been putting the pieces together as I've been on my healing journey these last eight years and I can definitely see it is for the better, yes.

Papamutes:

What led you to wanting to write a book? Have you written a book before?

Valerie Maksym:

No, I have not. And it was just one of those things, it's so interesting, about 30 years old, I just started with this concept, "Oh, I think I'm going to write a book one day." At that time, I had no clue what it would be about. I don't even know why I had those thoughts. I was just like, I think I'm going to write a book one day. And then after my second divorce, I realized, I've learned so much about myself taking the time out at 45 years old till I was like... I started writing my book when I was 48. I need to write this. I need to write it out, how it happened, how I healed, things that I learned because it could help somebody else.

I wish I would've had somebody at that time kind of going through the things, that's what you went through, and there is hope, and at this age, I can still figure out who I am and my purpose and all the things that I didn't know. Again, there's so much we can talk about going back to my childhood, which led to these relationships. And like you said, when you look backwards, you can connect all the dots like, "Oh, okay I see that. Okay, I see that." And then able to take that time to process it, heal and grow and know now, those were all learning moments for me, for sure.

Papamutes:

Now, if you haven't written a book, did you get help? You could write down stuff, but it may not be in a professional book manner. So how did you write a book not having a background?

Valerie Maksym:

That was a little difficult thing. I hired a company thinking, "Oh, they have the Better Business Bureau." I looked at their website, all these things, this company's going to be great. I talked to them and little naive me, didn't realize that anybody can have a website and anybody can say they're A+ on the Better Business Bureau. Looking back, I did not know all those things, and I gave them about $8,000 and they were a fraud.

Papamutes:

But what were they pushing? We can write, you give us your idea-

Valerie Maksym:

They're a ghost writer. They can help you. So you have the concept, the idea. So I would write things and then send it in, and then they would edit it, but they were in another country. When they would edit it back to me, it was like a fourth grader wrote it in a different, completely different... They're in a different country, different wording. They would word things the way we wouldn't say them here in the US. It was just a very different thing. And then they really wanted to publish my book, and I told them from the beginning, I'm self-publishing and so then they started playing games with me, and then they wouldn't send me my stuff unless I said I wouldn't self-publish. And anyways, long story short, it didn't end well. So I had to decide, do I write this book myself because I don't have another 8,000?

I was on credit card, I'm single mom who was trying to get this going, or I'm just going to have to finish it myself. And so writing my book, I wrote my book the way I would speak, the way I would talk. So in my book, it's how I talk, it's how I would share. So when I did the audible and I read it, that's how I talked. So I just went through and I just wrote it how I would say it, and then I bought some software to help me with the editing, and then I had to do all the margins, and that was tricky, trying to get all the margins right. And there was two things I couldn't finish. So I did have somebody at the end help me get the page numbers right and where we could upload to Amazon. I learned my lesson and I asked around, and I found someone who knew what they were doing, and he's been great, to help me to upload it into the right formatting on it.

Papamutes:

Yeah, well, writing a book is not, it's a job. It's a lot of work. It's like a movie or whatever. You got to put the effort in. Now, from the time you started until it was actually on the shelf, how long, what are we talking a year, two years?

Valerie Maksym:

It was, let me think about this, it was almost two years.

Papamutes:

So the book itself, Maksymizing Life and for people, it's not spelled the way you think it would be spelled it is M-A-K-S-Y-M-I-Z-I-N-G, a play on your last name, of course, Maksymizing Life. What's it about? Who should read it? What's going on?

Valerie Maksym:

Okay. So I wrote my book to anybody who comes to a point in life, and it's male or female, because I have just as many male as female read it and interestingly enough, I actually have several young people who I've read it, who, young twenties, late teens, and they loved it. So I think it can speak to anybody who is trying to figure out their selves, figure out where they're at. Maybe they're broken, maybe they've been through some things that are disappointing, they can be early on in life and they're just getting started and they've already had some trauma or disappointments or you could be all the way to your like I was, almost 50 and never addressing things. So the book is for anybody that wants to take their life to the next level, and maybe they feel stuck somewhere, maybe whether relationship, finances, just any part of their life, they just feel like they're stuck.

I've been living here for 10 years, 15 years, nothing better happens for me, nothing. I keep trying to do the same things, but I'm just stuck. And so when I wrote my book, the first four chapters, I give topics, and those are the four topics that took me from living a life of self-doubt, living a life of basically surviving, to how I got to living and finding my self-confidence in thriving in life. And so those are the first four chapters that I talk about. Things as simple as I had a vision when I was driving out of my neighborhood one day and I had to stop to actually speak it into my phone so I wouldn't forget it. And it basically said to me, "Valerie, you've been in charge your entire life, as to when you can take off and soar and have the things that you want to have. You have just chosen to hang on to your baggage, to hang on to disappointments, to hang on to your hurts, to hang on to things that you didn't have closure on. You just hanging on to all the things that hurt you."

And it correlated me to an having an airplane. So my baggage on my airplane was so heavy that my plane couldn't take off, that I could physically could not take off. And I really related to that because I would live my days and you could just feel the heaviness in my heart. You breathe heavy, you talk heavy, you're just heavy, because you're carrying so much stuff around.

Papamutes:

Now, do you think that was depression? Were you depressed or was it just anxiety?

Valerie Maksym:

I think it might have been a little bit of both, just not knowing where to turn, how to fix this, how do you get past this? How do you find happiness? So I little by little began to just heal and forgive and forgive myself and let my baggage go. And then it said, now you're going to be able to soar to place as you never thought possible because you've released and you've let go of the things that you don't have control over. We don't have control over things. But I had to forgive for me, not for the other person necessarily, but I had to forgive because when I did, it was just this weight left me.

Papamutes:

How do you get, come on, you got to get with it.

Valerie Maksym:

So that's why in writing the book, the first four chapters are just literally topics to get people to start thinking because people that I talk to, their journey's not going to be my journey. So something as simple as forgiveness or self-forgiveness is going to look differently to somebody else than it might for me. They might have a different aha moment of how they were able to get to that point, but it gets them thinking about it. And then once I was able to do that, I'm, "Okay, now what?" Like you said, "Okay, now what? I forgave. What's next?" And then I kept hearing this thing with my life coach that you need to find self-love. You need to focus on self-love. And I heard that for four years, and I was a little put off by it because I'm like self-love, such a cliche, such a, we hear that so weird.

That's selfish. I mean, I just was so tuned out with it because I'm like, I love so big. I don't know that anybody loves bigger than I love. I have a huge heart, and that's just something that comes easy. So I was like, why self-love? It just might be a little different. But what I didn't understand when I really, really decided, and this is chapter two, to figure out what this self-love thing means, that when I did find self-love and I did learn how to take care of myself and learn that I mattered, that my voice mattered, that it matters to me. If I don't want to do something, I can say no, I don't have to please every single person in my life because that's impossible. I was trying to please this person, please that person, please my kids, please my ex. Please, please, please.

And at the end of the day, I'm disappointing everybody because I'm not doing it right. People please, sir, in their eyes. And so I had realized, okay, I need to find that. And so I kind of talk in chapter two, what self-love is not, and how when I did find self-love, I noticed that I began to have boundaries, and I began to be able to have stand up a little taller and my shoulders back a little more. And I had a little more say in the things that went on around me were, before I would just take the crumbs when I was dating or whatever, just whatever they wanted to give me, I would take, because I was just so happy to get something that now I viewed myself differently in learning. I also learned and realized, which I didn't know this, and many people may know this, but I did not realize this, that every relationship we have is an extension of the relationship we first have with ourself.

So people don't think about that. So the relationship you have with yourself, if you don't have true self-love and you don't have the knowing of yourself, then you're trying to put that onto somebody else to give that to you. And that's sometimes that's a really hard thing to ask somebody to do when you can't even find your value and your love. And people treat us the way we allow them to. So if we're not caring for ourselves and we're not treating ourselves correctly and we're not doing those things, then we're expecting somebody else to, it gets real messy. And so I realize your relationships. So that's important. It's not selfish. It's important to have a solid foundation of who you are. And that way your relationships at work, your relationship with your kids, your relationship with your spouse, who you're dating, they become better because you love yourself, you care.

And they see that love and respect. And it just, what I have found that I've been working on this, that it's the foundation of the whole entire thing of knowing who you are and being authentic, being authentic to who you are, whatever that is. And then you start attracting the right people, the right things, the right opportunities, because you're being you. You're not being somebody else. And so that's my whole self-love thing that there, and once I found the self-love, I said, okay, but I still have these voices in my head that tell me I'm not enough. And oh, but you didn't go to college. Oh, you can't do that. Or you know, didn't grow up having money for other people, just all the negative self-talk, right? So then chapter three goes into what is that negative? We all have it in, it's our limiting beliefs from whatever it could be from a childhood where somebody said, oh, you're not smart, or, oh, you'll never do this, or you'll never amount to anything.

And for some reason, subconsciously it's still in our mind and we've fixated on it and we think about it and we actually live it out. And it's really just what somebody said. It's somebody's opinion. So learning how to break those limiting beliefs, learning how to replace positive affirmations, so your subconscious hears it to change that subconscious belief because the mind's powerful. So if you can remember something back from childhood that somebody said over you that you're still hanging onto today, how powerful is it? Your power, your positive words, your affirmations, the things that you're going to say, I am successful. I am enough. I am valuable. I am the CEO of my own business. I can make enough money to travel the world when I want to. The things that you say to counterbalance all of the negative self-talk that wants to, and it still comes even when you're doing this, it's still going to come, but you have tools to realize when it starts hitting your mind.

Yeah, I'm not speaking that out. I'm speaking the opposite out. And so I've learned to do that, and it really has helped so much in turning my life around. And then the chapter four, I talk about letting our emotional walls down because I was the queen of having walls up the queen of it. I'm telling you, I had walls over walls, over walls, over walls, over walls. And I had so many walls that people were like, you were so hard to even connect with on any level. And it's because I had so much hurt that I would continue to put walls up and put walls up. But looking back of doing this for 45 years, I kept out the bad. But how many good opportunities and friendships and things that I also keep out that needed to come into my life. So I kept the good bad out, but I also kept all the good out.

So when you want success and you want love, you have to get to a place that you're willing to be vulnerable again, and you're willing to put yourself out there and you're willing to. And I have found that it's been easier to bring my walls down and be vulnerable. The more self-love I have, it's, it kind of plays on each other. So the more self-love I keep developing, the more I'm okay letting those walls down. Because if things don't turn out exactly, I anticipated, it doesn't just like knock me off. It just doesn't just wipe me out because I have enough self-love to know that was on them or that's their projection of it, but I'm okay. And so those are just the four little basic nuggets of how I started on this journey to really allowing that authentic child who was like 10 years old, come back out and just be who I was created to be, not who people tell me to be.

And I think it's a process and a journey. I feel like I'm continually daily learning things about myself, but it's also just having the awareness and wanting to maximize your life. And when I mean that, it's just continue to grow level to level. And there's periods of times that you will have a timeout and you get to be in your comfort zone because you're like, okay, I've done so much. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I'm going to get to stay here for a little while. I'm going to get to enjoy my comfort zone because I've been working so hard on myself.

And then you can't stay there too long because then you'll realize, okay, it's time to grow again. It's time to go to the next level. It's time to invest in myself. It's time to, what are my next goals? What are the next things I want to accomplish? And so not getting stuck, but given yourself some love and grace, knowing, okay, you don't always have to live outside your comfort zone 24/7, but there is a place to get out of your comfort zone because that's where change happens. That's where they say the magic happens. That's where you're doing things that you're maybe not comfortable with. But those are the things that I have found that really are the game changers in our life.

Papamutes:

So this is not an overnight transformation. This could take some time, not, not you, but just people in general. I guess the more motivated, the more stronger the person, the less time. But it's a continuous thing,

Valerie Maksym:

Right? Absolutely. I mean, we're not given a manual and we're always changing. We're always evolving. We're always changing. There's new things that come in our life, new ideas. I mean, we're not just stagnant. You don't grow like that, it's change. And so being willing to be okay with when it's time to change and transition and go to the next level, and having that mindset of not just staying stuck somewhere for the next 30, 40, 50 years unless you want to, and it means some people just enjoy having a good life. And there's nothing wrong with that. But when you're wanting an extraordinary life, it's going to take doing these extra things and not just being comfortable with just being comfortable with whatever's just the normal. Just whatever you feel is your little comfort zone.

Papamutes:

Step out of that comfort zone, exactly. Now, what led you to body building? I mean, this is part of the process for you, but not everyone's going to jump in as heavy duty as you, but what made you want to work out to the level that you're at obviously?

Valerie Maksym:

So on my journey, so eight years ago when I divorced, I was super broken. I didn't even literally know who I was on any level. And I did find a life coach. I didn't even know what a life coach was, she just happened to cross my path at a party. And anyways, she began to ask me what my hobbies were, and I was at a point that I was, "Hobbies? What do you mean hobbies? I don't have any clue what you're talking about." And so she's like, "Your outlet, what makes you happy? Some people golf, some people play tennis, some people, some people like to quilt, some people, there's just your thing." And I was a gymnast back in the day, and I really have always enjoyed the gym and working out and doing those things. And so a friend of mine was going to do a body building competition, and long story short, she backed out and I did it do in doing that, when I went to my first show, it was very, very stressful.

I had just come off a divorce. I was having panic attacks every day to drive myself three hours to a competition by myself. Did not have the financial means to have a coach. There was like, okay. I was really out of my comfort zone on many, many levels, getting on a stage in a two-piece swimsuit, like 500 people. I got on the stage. And it was way different than I thought because I came on stage from the opposite direction that I was practicing. So that threw me off. And I get out there and I'm like shaking. I don't have a coach there. I turning the wrong way. I could tell people are laughing because it's not laughing, they're laughing at me, but kind of like, you're doing it wrong. And I was just fear. I mean, the fear just overtook me. And I'm like, what are you doing Valerie?

You need to get off this stage, nobody knows you're here, go back to your hotel room, go home and never do this again. But I had two more times to go back on stage. And so when I got off, the lady just ripped me back around cause I was in three different categories. There's different age categories than that. So okay, it's like, oh my goodness, okay, I have to do this again. So second time was a little bit better. I wasn't so shaking. And this is what I'm talking about, perseverance in life. So the first time something may not go your way, doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. You sometimes you have to let the ego down and the pride down be like, okay, I'm going to do this again. I'm going to, that's how you build self-confidence, right? It's not fun, but you're building it.

And so the third time around I get on, I'm like, okay, I wasn't shaking. I actually knew where to walk to which way to turn did my posing. And then we came back to the night shows. And of course the first two times I went out, I got last place, whatever that was like 11th place, 12th place, how many girls there were. But the third time out, when I went back, I got first place. And for me, I think if I did not get that first place, I would've probably just quit. That sport said that was not for me very competitive. But by getting that, it was like showed me that with persistence, perseverance, believing in myself, doing it when it's hard, not quitting, when all those things are coming at you. And I just wanted to run off that stage and go to my room and cry and be like, what is going on?

What did I just do? And I did it. So body building has been my therapy for, I did it. I've done it for five years every year I've had major breakthroughs in my life. At 50 years old, I addressed my dad's death. He died at 12. I was the only one with him. I watched it happen and we actually never talked about the next day. So at 12 years old, we put it under the rug. I learned subconsciously when anything tough happens in my life, I put it under the rug and we move on. And so I lived 38 years never addressing his death. And I created patterns in my life and I created, created a person who wasn't even true or authentic to who she was and didn't know who I was by not healing because I just thought, oh, time heals all things.

It's been this long, I'm going to be healed. Right? No, it's not that way at all. And so body building, definitely my therapy. So many breakthroughs, so many, I mean, just because you're pushing yourself to such extremes, I feel like that it made me then push in other areas of my life to extremes. And then it was like, oh, I can do this. Oh, I can do that. Oh, I did that. Okay, wow. I guess I can set that goal. Oh, I accomplished that goal. And self-confidence is a muscle. So as the more you use it and the more you put yourself out there, the more self-confidence that you build. And so that's just kind of been my journey as far as that goes

Papamutes:

Now. I mean, you're into it heavy. Okay, you're at the net, you're, I've seen the photos, the competitions and all this. Not everybody works out that way. So you recommend going to the gym and working out. I mean, you know, don't have to be into a body building competition to gain confidence. But working out is a no is a good thing.

Valerie Maksym:

Right. I'm saying when you find your hobby, whatever that is, it could be golf, it could be swimming, it could be quilting. Mine just happened to be body building. And so that's was my journey. But definitely not going to be everybody's journey. And you don't definitely don't have to be in the gym lifting weights to find confidence by no means, but whatever it is that we all have authentic things to us. So whatever your gifts and your talents are and you're working them and you're using them and you're building your confidence through them, I just think it's important to have an outlet, a hobby. I know it changed. I know it really helped me heal and grow. I don't know if I did, if I didn't have a hobby, I don't really know how I would've would've learned the lessons that I needed to learn to go to the next level and to heal.

Papamutes:

How do you feel, and this is kind of off the topic, but with people, men and women who may be enhancing themself, not naturally, what's your feelings on that steroid?

Valerie Maksym:

Yeah, that's going to be the levels above what I do. So I mean, if somebody wants to get to that level, there's no way to get there without taking things. So I'm bikini and figure were at still the levels that your body can get there and do that naturally. And so that's where I stay. So yes, take fat burner, I get it, GNC, but not steroids.

But to get to certain levels that it's the sport, I believe everybody and this is how I am, just, you get to be true to whoever you are. So if somebody chooses to do that, the men that look like that in body building, they have to take that. That's just what it is. And if that's what they choose to do with their life and that's what they choose, then...

Papamutes:

That's on them.

Valerie Maksym:

I can't fix that, I can't to change that. And then there's women that want to do the body building, and so it's going to require them to take some things.

Papamutes:

But where can people in general find the book?

Valerie Maksym:

I self-publish my book. And so because I self-published through Amazon, and then I also put it on Barnes and Noble's website. It's not in their store, but it's on their website. Amazon, the way they did it's a couple dollars less to buy it on Amazon than Barnes and Noble. I'm not really sure. But anyways, so I always tell people Amazon and it comes faster, so that's going to be probably the easiest way to get it.

Papamutes:

What would we do without Amazon? It's unbelievable.

Valerie Maksym:

We'd have to find something else. I don't know.

Papamutes:

Let's go off a little topic here. I have a wheel. Can't see it because it's off camera. It's a segment wheel and I spin it and it comes up and it's just questions, general fun stuff. Are you willing to take the segment wheel?

Valerie Maksym:

Sure, I'll take it.

Papamutes:

Yes you are. Let me spin it.

Valerie Maksym:

Spin the wheel.

Papamutes:

And it lands on this or that? This is easy. Two choices. This is just get to know you beyond what we're talking about. So I'm going to give you two choices. Coffee or tea?

Valerie Maksym:

Coffee.

Papamutes:

Free weights or machine?

Valerie Maksym:

Free weights.

Papamutes:

Pizza or pasta?

Valerie Maksym:

Pizza.

Papamutes:

Ooh, all right. I thought you'd go for pasta. I don't know why. No idea. Just for some reason. Dine in or home or dine out.

Valerie Maksym:

Oh, to me that's an equal, but I'll say dining out.

Papamutes:

I agree. Beach or mountains?

Speaker 4:

Oh, beach.

Papamutes:

Okay. City or country?

Valerie Maksym:

Oh. City.

Speaker 4:

All right.

Papamutes:

High heels or flats?

Speaker 4:

High heels.

Papamutes:

Always? Movies or TV?

Speaker 4:

Movies.

Papamutes:

Sunrise or sunset?

Speaker 4:

Sunrise.

Papamutes:

Credit card or cash?

Speaker 4:

Cash.

Papamutes:

Cash. Shower or bath?

Speaker 4:

A bath.

Papamutes:

Last one. Phone calls or text Messaging.

Valerie Maksym:

Phone calls.

Papamutes:

All right. What's the rest of 2023 have in store for you?

Valerie Maksym:

I have a life coaching program I'm finalizing right now to get a copyrighted called Who am I? It's a six week program. And I have a second book coming out called Unleash Your Inner Superhero.

Papamutes:

Great. Now when may that come out?

Valerie Maksym:

I'm hoping to have the book out August or September is my goal. Maybe sooner.

Papamutes:

Okay, cool.

Valerie Maksym:

I have found for women, especially, I have women, I did a book signing at Barnes and Noble last weekend and I can't tell you the women I talked to that are around 50 ish that when I told them I had a program, they even got tears in their eyes. They're like, "I'm at a place. My kids are graduated high school. I don't know who I am. My husband travels and works all the time. I don't know how to find out who I am. My kids are gone. I feel like I don't know what." So it's a program for six weeks. We just go through just even what it means to have and just what it means to your personality types, your love language, things that you like. We just really go through things that people don't really think about to find their passion. What is your passion?

Your passion to me, your purpose that's connected to your happiness. And so we just work through things like that when you can find that in. And I've helped some people that they didn't realize just volunteering at a local charity that they like. They just even think about, and then you go through this program and then they're like, oh, I'm volunteering here. I'm doing this, and then this is my passion and I'm so, but just helping them guide because they just get so stuck that they can't see two feet in front of them. They don't see that until you help dig it out of it up and like, okay, we're going to talk about these things and help you figure out what it is that's your gifts and talents are inside of you.

Papamutes:

I really appreciate your time. Appreciate you coming on, and we'll talk soon.

Valerie Maksym:

Okay, thank you.

Papamutes:

Thank you. Have a good one.

Valerie Maksym:

You too.

Papamutes:

You have it. Valerie Malsym, Maksymizing Life Turn Self Doubt into Self Confidence! Her book is available through Amazon. Check it out. Sounds like a great read if you're in a situation where you want to get involved with turning your life around. Until next time, take care.

Speaker 1:

This has been an Unmuted podcast with Papamutes.