32. Can Lesbians Say "Gay"? (solo episode)

 "I've noticed more lesbian women referring to themselves as gay... I'm curious as to why." 

This is something someone said to me recently. An inference that lesbians (like myself) were using the wrong word. 

At first, I was a bit shocked by the question because I've never known anyone who was bothered by it. Like, this isn't new. Lesbians say gay. It's ok. Then it made me think (Gay men can't be lesbians, so does that mean lesbians can't be gay?). Ultimately, it made me listen to the words folx use to describe themselves. What word feels comfortable? 

This is a quick episode about all all the above.

spoiler alert: lesbians can (and do) say "gay."

mentioned in this episode: Perfectly Queer by Jillian Abby

Connect with me:
Instagram: @thegaypodcast_foreveryone
Website: thegaypodastforeveryone.com

Please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode!

Share this podcast with someone you think might find value from it, and please leave a rating and review on Apple podcasts! New episodes every month (with some bonuses in between).

Transcript

Ep. 32 Can Lesbians Say "Gay"?

Angela: [00:00:00] (intro) Welcome to the gay podcast for everyone, a podcast where my LGBTQ plus community and our allies can come together in conversation and keep building stronger ones together. Whether you're in the LGBTQ plus fam or you're an ally. Welcome. This is the gay podcast for everyone. 

 (Episode) Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the gay podcast for everyone.

My name is Angela and today's episode is a very quick episode. Just wanted to jump on here and chat real quick because something very interesting happened this last week, something that was very surprising, kind of shocking, kind of all of the above. And I wanted to share it here because I thought it would be a good topic for the podcast.

Basically I had somebody say, Hey, I noticed that lesbians are using the word gay a lot lately to describe themselves. I'm curious about that. And then they went on to ask a different question, which I'll talk about later. But I thought that question was really strange because I was like, since when [00:01:00] have lesbians not used the word gay?

Like this is news to me. And then I was just like, is this person insinuating that I'm not supposed to be using the word gay? So just to set the context up a little bit, like this person is a cis gay man and I'm a cis gay woman. And it was just really weird to me because we're around the same age. Um, I'm 49.

I think this person is definitely in their forties. Definitely probably 45 ish, maybe a little older. I don't know, somewhere in that age range, but we're around the same age. So all things being equal, you know, in that context, I thought it was a very strange thing to say and kind of felt a little bit accusatory, kind of felt a little bit like stay in your lane.

You know, like, just call yourself a lesbian. You're not gay. Which I thought was really, really And interesting for several reasons.  [00:02:00] I've been hearing a lot how there's a lot of divisiveness within our own community, which has been really shocking to me.

I can't even imagine. Just, I don't know. And maybe I don't understand what's actually going on, to be honest, and I don't want to get off track to something else, but I've been hearing a lot about the divisiveness and to me, this was like a small example of it, you know, of like, Hey, lesbian, don't be gay.

You know, like, Hey, lesbian, you know, stay in your lesbian lane. You're not supposed to use the word gay, which I knew wasn't true. Like I truly knew this. Like I came out as gay. you know. So even though I knew this all to be true, I still kind of did the thing that I do, like, this is my personality. I will naturally assume I'm wrong about everything to be honest with you.

I'm like, well, [00:03:00] I'm, I'm probably wrong. There was probably a memo, you know, like, I mean, I missed the memo. That's all it is. Because I'm just thinking, like, I'm being funny about it. But the truth of the matter is, like, language evolves, right? And we use words differently than we did in the past. So I was like, well, maybe something has changed.

And I just, like, I didn't get the game memo. Period. I didn't get it. And so I started doing, like, some high level research, whatever, you know, Google. And it turns out, no, I'm not wrong. I can use the word gay, which I knew, right? But let me just like stop for a second and tell you that when I was doing my high level Google research, I found a really good definition of gay that I wanted to share with you guys because it's important not to tell somebody they can't use a certain word, especially within your own community.

Per the trevorproject. org Their definition of gay is, gay is an adjective that describes people who are physically, romantically, and emotionally and [00:04:00] or spiritually attracted to other people in, of the same gender. In the past, gay specifically referred to men who are attracted to men. Now it is common for gay to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same gender.

And it is all up to you and which word fits you best, which I love that last part, y'all. I love that last part because we talk about that a lot on the podcast, right? Like a lot of the guests on the podcast remind us that it's whatever makes you feel comfortable and secure and describes you and all of the above, right?

And then what's really interesting is like, you know, when like the symbiosis of the world, like when you're, thinking about something or whatever, all of a sudden it's everywhere. Like you see a billboard, you know, you see a street sign, you see somebody wearing a t shirt, right? So that happened to me because as I'm, you know, in the middle of this thing of going, Oh my gosh, this person's kind of making me feel like I'm not supposed to use this word.

What's that about? I am reading this book right now called, [00:05:00] ironically, it's called Perfectly Queer and it's written by a lesbian woman and she's going to be on the podcast in the next few months. So listen for that cause it's going to be really awesome, I know. Her name is Jillian Abby and she's a lesbian.

The title of her book is Perfectly Queer and she talks about how when she came out, like there was a moment where she came out to her friends in a moment when she didn't really, like she wasn't planning it. It just happened. And she describes it as like, she blacked out because it was a, it was a group of people.

She wasn't really planning this. It just happened. And the exact line that she says in her book is, did I say gay or lesbian? Because she blacked out. She doesn't remember. And I was reading it and I was like, exactly like, you could have said either word because you can, right? And then like a couple of days later, which by the way, my phone is on and it just, it I just ding'd by the way, hold on.

And then [00:06:00] as I'm doing like some random scrolling right on Instagram, I run across this woman who I follow. She's a chef. She's awesome. And she's doing that thing. Like you know, when you get a bunch of new followers, I mean, I don't know what this is like, but when you get a bunch of new followers and you just, you're like, I want to reintroduce myself.

So you say a lot of fun facts about yourself. So amongst all the facts, you know, one of them, she says, oh, and if you didn't know, I'm proudly gay. And I was like, exactly, like this person describes themselves as gay, not as a lesbian because we can. And I just wanted to bring this up on the, on the podcast here and as a topic, because if you run across this, it's okay if a lesbian says they're gay, it's okay.

And all I know is we should not, especially in our own community, and as allies and all the above, we should not create more [00:07:00] divisiveness in our own community. There's already so much that's happening out in the world. So much divide. We don't need anything else. You know, we don't need to tell somebody in our own community that they need to stay in their lane.

It's just not okay. Oh, and like I said earlier, this person also had a second part of their question. You know, this was all via like text basically. So you know, you can infer things and you can kind of read whatever tone you want into it. But I mean, it wasn't really a question. It was an insinuation of like, Hey, is that why you're also using the word gay on your podcast is so that you can, increase your SEO, your search engine optimization, and people can find you easier on the internet.

And all I kept thinking was like, I'm barely getting this podcast out on a monthly basis. I barely have a website, et cetera. So SEO is literally the last thing on my list. And it was kind of clear that this person didn't listen to the podcast anyway, because I've said several [00:08:00] times that the reason I use the gay podcast for everyone is it's Literally as a placeholder, or, you know, for lack of a better word of LGBTQ plus, it's easier to say that's literally all it is.

It's easier to say it rolls off the tongue a little easier, you know, as a title of a podcast saying the LGBTQ plus podcast for everyone. I mean, it's already a long title. I don't need it to be longer than that. You know what I mean? So that's all it was about as far as the podcast title, but I thought it was Interesting.

Nonetheless, one thing I wanted to touch on real quick to talking about how gay is used to mean LGBTQ. I mean, for me, that's how, like, if I hear the word gay, if I hear LGBTQ, if I hear queer, I'm thinking of one community and I assume other people do too. Maybe they don't, but this is me. Like I think of one community whenever I hear any of those terms.

And what's interesting about [00:09:00] that is, for me, Personally, the word queer does not feel comfortable to me. And a lot of that probably has to do with my age, but the word queer had a very negative connotation growing up. I don't think I even heard the word, but when I did, it was not good. You know? So I understand that like, you know, words evolve.

And when we hear the word queer, there's, you know, a strength and a pride behind it that did not exist when I was growing up, and if somebody asked me, are you a part of the queer community? There's no part of me that would say no. That's what's so interesting. Like this person was telling me, you know, Why are you saying gay?

You're a lesbian. But if somebody asked me if I was part of the queer community, I wouldn't say no. I would say yeah, I am. Even though queer does not feel comfortable for me, I know what they mean. They mean am I part of the gay community, the LGBTQ community? I get it. And I would never just like reject that [00:10:00] word.

Do you know what I mean? And I just wanted to share this quick little topic. And I'm not saying I'm right about any of this stuff, you guys. I always say that like, I cannot speak for everybody in my community. This is all just my personal opinion. But again, like the examples I described earlier, you know, you have a lesbian author who uses the word gay, lesbian, queer.

interchangeably and they all feel good to her. There's the person who, you know, I randomly scrolled through her stuff. She's a lesbian and describes herself as gay. Also, I do too. I use both words. So if you hear somebody saying it, it's not wrong. It's the word that they feel most comfortable with and it's okay.

The most important thing I think we need to do is not to create further divide for our community. And tell somebody how they should or shouldn't identify and make them feel like they don't belong in their own community. You know, that's just not good. If anything, though, like, even though it [00:11:00] was like really kind of taken aback by the question that was posed from this person, the best thing that came up for me was now I'm like really listening to how people describe themselves, what term they use, what word they use, and like the pride and the strength of the word when they say it.

You know, I'm really listening to that now and I think going forward, especially with Pride Month coming up, if somebody says it and they say it like, you know, with a lot of strength behind it, like I'm really inside, I'm gonna be like, yeah, you know, like, yeah, that's awesome. Like that is great. Like you're gay.

Awesome. Good for you. You're trans. Awesome. Good for you. You know? So allow people to tell you who they are. My name is Angela. I'm gay and I'm a lesbian. Thank you for listening.