How to Be Your Boundaries Rather Than Set Them

Taking a deep dive into how to stop stating your boundaries, trying to wrap your head around things or open your heart more fully, and move into the phase of taking action to uphold your boundaries and therefore yourself.

Transcript

How to Be Your Boundaries Rather Than Set Them

In the 21st century it takes an act of will to not at least hear something about boundaries. We are constantly told they should be set, maintained, and communicated. On a daily basis they get violated, abused, used, and manipulated. You don't have them, aren't good with them, don't recognize them or just don't care. All of this, not just because we live in an information age, but because boundaries are fundamental to embodied existence and part of what we are here to learn and work with.

Now there is a notion in spiritual community that boundaries are bad. They separate and divide us unnecessarily and should be dissolved. This means if we could feel at one with each other and all things then everything would be healthy and peaceful and right. What this fails to recognize is the majority of our existence as our eternal selves has no physical boundaries. As souls we live without containment, interacting through telepathy, empathy, and direct merge/exchange. However, in this state we have and participate in boundaries in order to live in a loving and healthy way. In fact, these are some of the first lessons we learn upon coming into existence.

One boundary is to not inflict overly intense emotions on others without their permission. Without physical encasement as a buffer, everything someone feels or thinks automatically transmits and affects everyone else around them. Extreme joy, depression, rage, or confusion can be injurious when forced on someone without their consent or awareness. We therefore learn to live within a boundary where we monitor our emotions, keep aware of our surroundings and who is in proximity to us, and carefully express ourselves in ways which are authentic but also supportive of everyone else.

It can help to think of boundaries, not as a separation, but a means for connection. Like the difference between private and secret. Every being deserves privacy, which is the ability to have something which is their own and which they can share or not as they choose. Privacy is the ability to be an individual, to have agency over your life no matter what form you're in, and to be fully yourself in a way which does not involve or require others. If you have yourself, then you have something to offer and a place in which to invite and host someone else.

Secrecy can be a means of protecting the privacy of others, if you have become privy to it, but more often is a way to divide people into groups and/or create power dynamics. The person with a secret has something others do not, but that those others want or need. Bringing the secret out into the open is a means of manipulation and coercion no matter who does it, when or with what intentions. Secrets disconnect, privacy allows for health and connection.

When people visualize boundaries, they often think of lines and/or walls. Boundaries are symbolized as protections like castle walls which surround the medieval city or Hadrian's Wall dividing Scotland from England, or the wall around the Forbidden City in China. Boundaries are lines on maps dividing who owns what or who belongs where. We have surveyors who come to figure out the actual lines dividing property, the DMZ which creates a bright line between North and South Korea, and the lines which show the shapes of each of the United States. We therefore code the thought of boundaries as a defensive thing, which means there must be something to defend against. 

Yet cell walls are boundaries which are not designed specifically to defend against invaders, although they can, but to define. Within cell walls are the workings of the cell which needs to be cohesive in order to function. And to interact with others, to be present and have their presence be effective, there must be unification, which occurs through the presence of a wall or membrane. So rather than a cell wall as an actual wall, it is more like an active and continuous hug for everything within the cell which allows the whole to be and thrive.

In embodied life people get very stuck with implementing boundaries. Often, they know where their boundaries are, but can't quite figure out how to implement them. Or they know how, but are unwilling to do so because it's uncomfortable, emotional, and creates drama where they don't want there to be any. Usually, if they do try, what they do is what has for a long time been recommended in both therapeutic and spiritual communities: communicate clearly. This means having a conversation with the person(s) involved and explaining what the boundary is, where it is, how to stop violating it, what damage is done when it is violated, and what actions would work better for all.

This is great advice and works well, but also suffers from what I think of as the Penicillin problem. Penicillin is a great medication and highly efficacious if used for what it was intended. However, if you use it for everything (headache, fever, rash), it not only doesn't work, it can cause negative side effects and, over time, make it ineffectual in any situation.

Communicating our boundaries is a good thing to do. If you don't like pickles, let the person know so they don't end up on your burger or next to your sandwich. If you don't do horror movies, let people know so they don't choose it as the entertainment on Saturday night. If you don't want the dog to pee on the rug, show it where it should go and when, then you won't have to launder the rug...as much. If someone is consistently hurting you through their actions, let them know so they are both aware of the results of their actions and what would be preferred.

The issue with communicating is it is not a magic wand.  Just because you say "don't" doesn't mean a person can or will stop.  As I am wont to say in contentious conversations, "Understanding doesn't mean agreement." A person can be fully aware of a boundary and still violate it.

Also, communication can come to stand in for action or follow through.  People quite often get caught in a loop of thinking one more conversation about something will get the other to "understand" the situation by which they mean "come to agree with them" and start doing things the right way.  What this fails to recognize is the other person has become habituated to these conversations, knows they result in no change or consequences, in fact have become the consequence which amounts to nothing, and so can dismiss everything said as meaningless words or a minor irritation.  Thus, the injured party feels they are setting boundaries through communicating them and it continues to be the actions of the other which need to be corrected. Yet, they don't recognize the disconnect between the boundaries they are communicating, which aren't in reality being set, and those they are setting through ongoing communication attempts.

The key to getting out of this self-defeating loop is to recognize boundaries don't require agreement. 

Boundaries are like gravity. They exist.  It doesn't matter what others think, say or do about them, they are there. If they weren't, then it would be impossible to violate them. We wouldn't experience hurt when people walk all over them/us. We wouldn't even know there is an us because boundaries are how we know we exist as a unique being in an amazing cosmos.

So, if communication and agreement don't matter, then what does?

Be the No

As I said, boundaries should be communicated clearly.  With children you might need to repeat things a number of times as appropriate for their maturity level and learning capacity. With adults, once can be enough although twice might be necessary due to circumstances.  Then, once the boundary has been communicated, it's time to start being it.

Part of communication is a call and response process where we are looking for validation through the facial expressions, body language, and words of the other. We look for positive engagement, acknowledgement, and reaction.  It's a bit like partner dancing.  With our hands we connect and with our feet we move which causes our partner to move as well or vice versa.

Being our boundaries is the exact opposite.  We connect with our self rather than the other.  It's like a light turning on first thing in the morning, starting with a small glow which grows and grows until it lights a room.  Then because we are fully inhabiting ourselves, we are able to connect with the world around us in a much more intimate and fully engaged way. No action and reaction, but rather a life of fully participatory beingness.

For example, if you have a partner who is constantly starting arguments which leave you feeling disoriented, upset, and confused about a situation, then more than likely your boundary, which already exists, is to not engage in this type of conversation and to not be left feeling this way. In other words, "Don't argue". So while with any new boundary violation you would want to communicate clearly, in this case you can honor the hundreds of times you've already communicated your need to not communicate through argument (in every way other than interpretive dance, which could get you thrown in jail for assault) and now move to enacting this boundary or Being the No.  

First, recognize this boundary violating communication is your partner or dance partner attempting to yank you around the dance floor.  So, if you're going to be your boundaries, choose to not take their hands when the music starts.  What I mean is, you'll need to not respond when they start trying to get into a fight or wind you up.  Easier said than done?  Yes, of course.  Which is why the Second thing you'll need to do is prepare things you will say in response to their attempts at the argument dance.  I tend to go with "Ok", "Hmmm...", "Uh huh", and "I love you".  These four are usually enough to do the trick but feel free to come up with non-committal responses which work best for you.

Once you've chosen your responses you can start Being the No.  Every time this person comes out with something meant to confuse you, engage you, or get you upset, you can respond with one of your phrases.  I recommend practicing them ahead of time because it can be hard to remember them once you're in the thick of things and full of adrenaline or the need to explain and defend yourself.  No matter what they say, and they'll say plenty, if all they get back are non-committal, non-engaging answers, then they are left standing alone on the dancefloor and it is on them, not you, to figure out what to do next.

If not immediately, then within a few times of doing this, you'll realize the rooted in place, trapped, stuck in this moment feeling you usually get with this type of conversation isn't happening.  If they can't drag you onto the dance floor, then you're free to go and do whatever you want.  And I highly recommend you do. 

So, once you've given them a couple of "ok", "hmmm..." and "uh huh"s, you can and should go on with whatever they interrupted you doing or that you need to do next.  Leave them to figure themselves out. Use "I love you" sparingly as a conversation ender. It is highly effective, since socially and biologically it requires us to respond in some way which will often derail a conversation. However, it also is obvious you're doing it and can come off as condescending.

If conversation isn't so much the problem, but instead they are constantly getting in your way, interrupting what you're doing or trying to get your attention, have a selection of things to do which takes you away from them. If they are trying to get into things while you're cooking, turn everything off and take yourself out to eat at your favorite spot. Take your tablet or a book and enjoy some Me time. Do this often enough they will either quit or start making their own meals.

If someone in your life continuously makes decisions on your behalf and then expects you to accept and follow through with them, don't. Leave them to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Don't explain, don't defend, don't anything. They made their own mess and they can clean it up. How they do so will often show you who they really are underneath all the words.

If someone is constantly refusing to do anything to help or to pull their own weight in something you are doing together, refuse to do their part. If this means the garbage never goes out, there are no supplies ordered for the business, the mortgage is only half paid or only one half of the trip gets planned out, then so be it. If you are Being the No in this way, then things begin to shift and change immediately and for the better. Does this mean projects may fail, plans go awry, or dreams fall apart? Possibly, yes. But if you're the only one doing them and the other person is dead weight, better to start again, transform things into something better, or find another partner who can actually...you know...partner.

This is not to imply any of this is easy. If it were, everyone would do it. However, what this does practically and spiritually is develop the skills for us to manifest ourselves into the world the way we intended we should. The simple act of honoring our boundaries, no matter how we do so, gives us strength to be and do more. It grows our unique piece of divinity, our spark of eternity into a shining light.

I call this effect the Boundary Bubble. 

Many of us have experienced people we feel have "presence." The person radiates calm, intelligence, and common sense even when fully absorbed in their phone or computer. These people are living their boundaries fully enough their beingness is radiating out beyond their bodies and effecting the world around them. 

This boundary bubble is like the cell wall I spoke of earlier. It is a hug they give themselves 24/7, being fully themselves so they can be present with everyone else. While this boundary bubble doesn't magically turn any jerks it touches into saints, it does work like positive pressure keeping jerks beyond arm's length while inviting those who aren't to step in. Jerks who are truly oblivious (there are more of those than you might think) or who are very, very determined will ignore the bubble and walk right in, but having the bubble also means the person emanating it is skilled in advocating for and defending their boundaries so they are usually up to the task. 

The gift in all this is, beyond the No there is also a Yes. If we are advocating for ourselves, being the boundaries which allow us to thrive in the world, then our hands are no longer engaged in negative dances and instead can be open to invite healthy connection, interaction, and experiences. Being nurtured by our radiant self we will naturally unfold and expand more fully into our authentic embodied selves. By doing so we become attractive to others, like calling to like, and we can choose to connect with them, creating tribe and community.

So, honor the intentions you've already set a million times. Recognize your head has already wrapped itself around the situation, your heart is already open to receiving, and you're as prepared as you'll ever be to start being your boundaries. The Akashic energy is already there inside you and the universe is standing by to provide support. Start where you are...