Part 2: The Shalhoubisode

Is Kelsey’s number one competitor, Tony Shalhoub, somehow involved in Kelsey’s disappearance? We also talk to one bad dog who has his own theory. 

Transcript

Teddy  0:01  
On the last episode of Have you seen Frasier Crane?

Sydney  0:04  
Frasier didn't just leave us. You seem to have disappeared altogether.

Cheers Employee  0:09  
He's a character. He's not real for Christ's sakes. Jesus fucking Christ.

Sydney  0:16  
What did she say?

Teddy  0:17  
Dr. Frasier Winslow Crane is a fictional character on the... He's not real?

Sydney  0:24  
What he's not real? No! 

It's true. Dr. Frasier Crane is not real. Are we disappointed? That would be an understatement. Mortified? Doesn't come anywhere close. We're shell shocked. The man we spent our lives looking up to, idolizing, isn't even a real person.

Teddy  0:59  
How am I doing? I don't think I have one dish left that Syd hasn't smashed to pieces. I haven't slept. I'm so nauseous I haven't even been able to keep down my post dinner caviar and champagne. I guess you can probably surmise how I might be doing.

Sydney  1:14  
How did we not see this coming? How did we both spend a really long time believing that Frasier Crane was a real person?

Teddy  1:21  
I'm not afraid to say that the show just felt so real. That's why we loved it. Frasier made us believe he was just an everyday radio host with a definitely justified high income who dated model zoologists. The five star restaurants, the social stature, the Eames furniture... Of course, I believed it. I was living the same rich and famous lifestyle. I was seeing my reality on screen. 

Sydney  1:44  
And for me, when Teddy says something is real I just take her word for it, because that's what friends do. 

Teddy  1:50  
Where do we go from here?

Sydney  1:51  
We can't in good faith keep looking for a guy that doesn't exist. So I guess that's it. There's nowhere to go from here. We'll just never see Frasier on TV again. 

Teddy  2:01  
Wait, wait. You hold on just a second. Oh, we're not done yet. No, no. We can't look for a man who doesn't exist. But we can look for a man who does exist.

Sydney  2:17  
Yes. True, but... 

Teddy  2:20  
The guy that played Frasier. What was his name? Kelsey Grammar? Grammer. Well, that guy is basically Frasier. He was the man behind the man in the brown suit the whole time. 

Sydney  2:32  
Okay... 

Teddy  2:33  
So if Frasier is missing, then it's safe to assume Kelsey is missing too. If we find Kelsey, we find Frasier.

Sydney  2:40  
Are we sure that means Kelsey Grammer is missing too? Does that make sense? 

Teddy  2:45  
Probably. I mean, think about it. All the reasons we thought Frasier was missing would be the same reasons for this Kelsey guy. A man at the height of his career stops playing the most successful TV character in history. If Kelsey isn't playing Frasier, he's either stupid or missing. 

Sydney  3:00  
Okay...

Teddy  3:01  
Exactly. Anyone who plays Frasier for 22 years can't be stupid. So...

Sydney  3:06  
I guess that makes sense. 

Teddy  3:08  
Plus, I bet he's just the guy to talk to about that reboot we've been dreaming of.

Sydney  3:12  
Now you're speaking my language.

Teddy  3:15  
Without Kelsey. There's no Frasier. If we find him, we get Frasier back, back in all his prime time glory.

Sydney  3:38  
With a new target in our crosshairs, the search for Kelsey Grammer begins. But before we start, we need to understand who we're looking for. Who is Kelsey Grammer?

Teddy  3:49  
Turns out Kelsey Grammer is an award winning actor, but he's also an award winning comedian, singer, producer, director, writer and pro-life activist, not to mention the owner of Gramnet Productions, which is said to be the production company solely responsible for that infamous mid 2000s boom in urban female TV content. Yes, we're talking Girlfriends.

Sydney  4:10  
Kelsey was born in the Virgin Islands and later moved to Florida with his mother sister and two half brothers. Sounds nice right? Think again. His family was plagued with tragedy from the murders and deaths of multiple family members during his teenage years. In high school, Kelsey turned to acting for solace. Later attending Juilliard to hone his craft, clearly a talented boy. And then suddenly, he was propelled into the world of stage and soon after screen, Kelsey made a splash in the soaps and entered quickly into the world of primetime television on a little show called Cheers. 

Diane  4:44  
Why don't you say hello to him right now?

Frasier Crane  4:45  
Hello, Sam. Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sorry, I startled you.

Teddy  4:52  
The rest is basically history according to Wikipedia, except is that the rest of it? 

Sydney  4:58  
People don't just go missing without a reason. I mean, this is Hollywood, it's not crazy to think somebody had a reason to make Frasier go away. But who, who would have the balls to damage the purity of American culture. And without anybody noticing?

Teddy  5:12  
Frasier was at the height of his fame Well, during the entire run of the series, so that gives us an 11 year window to work with.

Sydney  5:21  
We've got to figure out exactly who to lay the blame on for all this. Let's look at the television landscape from 1993. To 2004, aka the Fraser years.

Teddy  5:40  
The 90s what a time in fact, it was a time some would call the sitcom era. everywhere you turn there was a new half hour comedy starring an unlikable cast of frizzy-haired nobodies. To say it was a saturated market would not be doing it justice. It was insanity. The industry couldn't keep up. Three new American networks had to be created just to accommodate all the half hour content, making it through pilot season. With this came a lot of crossover of content. What's the real difference between Roseanne and married with children? If you really think about it, what I'm trying to say here, the shows are the exact same and that they both represent the worst of humanity.

Sydney  6:20  
So what's a boy or even a girl to do when there's another sitcom around every corner looking to steal your thunder? You could rebrand spice things up. But consider the consequences. Look at what happened to Happy Days. Now that show is just the brunt of a sick joke about taking things too far. So what's the other option? You kill the competition?

Teddy  6:40  
I mean, maybe. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves though. Since it is well documented that it is the actor's ego that is the most delicate of all, it is extremely likely that another leading man or woman felt threatened by Frasier success.

Sydney  6:54  
Desperate people do desperate things, right?

Teddy  6:56  
That's right. So who then? Who would have had the gall to pull it off? What about Kelsey's competition in the 11 years that Frasier ran? It would have had to have been another actor in a titular role in a show with the perfect mix of workplace and family drama. Jerry Seinfeld, or maybe Al Bundy?

Sydney  7:17  
No way. Everybody knows Jerry and Al were never in it for the money or the fame. Why else would they choose to wear all that rayon-blend clothing? What about Fran Fine? The nanny herself.

Teddy  7:28  
I've heard rumors that Fran was quite the firecracker. But pulling off a high stakes conspiracy to get rid of her Hollywood foe? I don't think she'd have it in her. Regardless of what the shrill voice might insinuate

Sydney  7:39  
What about Tim Taylor? 

Teddy  7:40  
Home improvement? You think that seven-year long advertisement for Michigan tourism threatened Frasier's success? Get real.

Sydney  7:48  
Right, right. Hey, what a show that came out in the early 2000s. That would make sense with Frasier ending in 2004.

Teddy  7:57  
Okay. Oh, what about Two and a Half Men? It came out in 2003 and Charlie Harper would have done anything for a popularity boost.

Sydney  8:06  
If it was Charlie then he would have killed Kelsey for no good reason. The fan bases is never intersected. I know Charlie isn't known for his decision-making but going after Frasier? He would have been better off ruining Frankie Muniz's, his career and I think he possibly even did. Say, Where is Frankie these days? 

Teddy  8:21  
No, you're right. Frasier fans are far too highbrow to be able to digest the Harper family sense of humor. I would know. Look at me. I'm getting heartburn just talking about them. Wait, okay, this might be a crazy idea. But what about Adrian Monk? Monk premiered in 2002, giving Adrian plenty of time to notice the Kelsey was unshakeable from People magazine's sexiest primetime middle aged male actor in a Musical or Comedy. 

Sydney  8:51  
When was the last time you saw anybody wearing a Monk enamel pin on there, jean jacket lapel, huh? Exactly. Are we sure the show even really was a thread. I mean, we can't just start accusing random people.

Teddy  9:03  
It's true. That Monk wasn't as beloved as Frasier, but the first show that has such a pathetic fan base it won a lot of awards. 

Sydney  9:10  
More than Frasier?

Teddy  9:13  
How dare you! Of course, it didn't. Wait. Monk isn't real either. 

Sydney  9:18  
What? No. 

Teddy  9:21  
I mean, it doesn't really matter, though.

Sydney  9:22  
Yeah. I know. I don't know. 

Teddy  9:25  
Anyways, looks like the guy who played Monk, Tony Shaloo. He beat out Kelsey for a couple acting wards. Wait. Oh my god. Tony beat out Kelsey for the SAG Award in 2004. 

Sydney  9:40  
But, but that was Frazier's final season. I don't understand. It should have kind of Frasier. It was supposed to go to Frasier. 

Teddy  9:47  
Tony must have had help from the inside. I guess this guy is connected because there's no fucking way that voting body would have given him that award with a straight face. He must have blackmailed somebody at the top. And well if he's capable of doing that, 

Sydney  10:00  
What else do we have on him? 

Teddy  10:03  
It looks like Tony and Kelsey share similar career paths. They've even worked together a couple times. Tony started his career in high school plays. He continued to pursue acting at the University of Southern Maine, later Yale drama school. That's a competing schools of Juilliard were Kelsie shaped his craft. From 1986 to 1991. Tony was cast in a variety of TV, movies and series roles. Walk on parts that ranged from cab driver to Paul's doctor. Look here in 1991. He's cast in wings as an Italian. Hey, wait. Dr. Frasier Crane was on wings.

Lillith  10:42  
Sky King is a psychiatrist.

Frasier Crane  10:46  
Yes, Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm conducting a self esteem seminar this weekend.

Pilot  10:52  
Okay,

Teddy  10:53  
Holy shit. Whoa, get this. Tony appeared on Frasier in a walk on role as a participant in a focus group who admits to hating the Dr. Frasier Crane show.

Frasier Crane  11:07  
I see we're out of time. Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you allgood mental health. 

Tony Shalhoub  11:14  
I don't know something about... I don't like it.

Sydney  11:21  
A beautifully written episode ruined by all those harsh words said about the doctor. It was a tough watch. Frasier so helpless, Tony I know now gaining power with every insult hiding behind that not quite Middle Eastern accent. 

Teddy  11:34  
An interesting casting choice made for a man who probably hated Kelsey in real life. Monk premiered in 2002 that makes the next two years a battle royale for Monk and Frasier in the ratings. And for Kelsey and Tony on the awards circuit.

Celebrity  11:48  
And, the award goes to my sweet friend, Kelsey Grammer.

Kelsey Grammer.

And the Emmy goes to Tony Shalhoub.

Kelsey Grammer

Tony Shalhoub.

Teddy  12:04  
It was back and forth, back and forth. Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical goes to Tony, then Kelsey, then Tony again. All signs point to a natural rivalry. Tony had to fight to get where he was, and he didn't want anything to stop the success train from making its way into the station. Of course. Of course, it was Tony Shalhoub. 

Sydney  12:24  
Who better to confess to his own crime than Tony Shalhoub himself. We called his manager for an interview request posing as some pretty important people with an offer hard to refuse. 

Teddy  12:41  
Hello, is this is Tony? Tony Shalhoub?

Tony Shalhoub  12:43  
Yes, this is Tony. 

Teddy  12:45  
It's Tony. Go.

Sydney  12:46  
Hi, Tony. I'm from the American choppers network. Congratulations. You've won the grand prize drawing for the American shoppers network sweepstakes. If you answer a few questions for us. You will be awarded a total sum of 714,285 US dollars.

Tony Shalhoub  13:03  
That's a healthy some fine. What are the questions? 

Sydney  13:08  
Oh, I didn't think I guess I guess it'd be like a skill testing question. Like, okay, like, what's, what's 155 plus 33?

Teddy  13:19  
Let me be clear, Tony, if you did anything to Frasier, I'll fucking kill you.

Tony Shalhoub  13:24  
What's this about? 

Sydney  13:25  
Teddy? What about our cover?

Teddy  13:26  
Forget what I said before. Sometimes letting your emotions get the best of you is actually the right thing to do. Let me talk to him. Tony? I swear to God, Tony. If you're the one that ended the show, well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 

Tony Shalhoub  13:39  
Ended the show? What the hell are you on about?

Teddy  13:42  
Here's what Tony. It only took a very small amount of research to figure out that you did something to Frasier, sabotage his career. My guess is you probably killed him. Whatever it was, odds are you did it because getting rid of Frasier was undeniably the only one way ticket to that undeserved SAG award. Monk just couldn't get there, right? You were just the last puppy to the teet, weren't you? Kelsey was suckling on fame and attention and you couldn't take it. So you got your Hollywood connections to take out Frasier, so Monk could be number one. Isn't that right, Mr. Monk?

Tony Shalhoub  14:12  
You can't deny how shows were competing, but there's nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition. Kelsey was a friend of mine. And anyway, I worked really hard for that SAG award. I even developed real OCD in time for the awards campaign.

Sydney  14:29  
Sounds more like Tourette's, Tony.

Tony Shalhoub  14:32  
No, no, you're mistaken. I wouldn't know the difference.

Sydney  14:36  
You're trying to tell me you had nothing to do with Frasier's disappearance? You didn't blackmail The Guild, and you were in fact, friends with Kelsey or something.

Tony Shalhoub  14:44  
Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you. 

Sydney  14:48  
Oh.

Teddy  14:50  
Well. You know what else I find weird, Mr. Monk?

Tony Shalhoub  14:54  
What? 

Teddy  14:55  
For some strange reason, Monk moved to NBC in 2004 does that year seem at all important?

Tony Shalhoub  15:01  
Yes, actually. That was the year I directed my first film. It's called Made Up. It's a beautiful coming of middle age story.

Teddy  15:09  
Not even close. It was the year Frasier ended you out-of-touch goon. Convenient timing, Mr. Monk. You even went to the lengths to distract everybody with a fake movie. You even called a Made Up, you idiot. How more transparent can you be?

Tony Shalhoub  15:24  
Please. My name is Tony Shalhoub. I'm a pretty well known actor.

Teddy  15:28  
He won't budge. He let me try and get inside his head. Tony, Frasier was better than Monk and you knew that? You're still angry? Aren't you?

Tony Shalhoub  15:39  
Jesus Christ. Kelsey was someone I looked up to. He meant everything to me as a burgeoning actor transitioning from stage to screen. Of course, I didn't kill him or thwart his career or any other accusation you have against me. I'm a fan of his just like you.

Sydney  15:56  
Oh, you're a fan. We didn't realize you were a fan. 

Tony Shalhoub  16:01  
Huge fan. I think Frasier was one of the best written shows ever. Just don't tell Monk Creator Randy Bregman. I said that. 

Teddy  16:08  
Okay, well, I mean, a fan wouldn't hurt Kelsey.

Sydney  16:12  
Hey, sorry about all that interrogation just now. We're just really protective of the guy you understand? 

Tony Shalhoub  16:17  
Sure.

Teddy  16:19  
Wait, just a second. I almost forgot. Oh, you thought you had me there under your thespian spell? Not a chance. How do you explain this clip of you on the red carpet?

Tony Shalhoub  16:31  
Oh, oh, god. I can explain.

Interviewer  16:39  
Welcome back to the 56 Primetime Emmy Award. This is so exciting. All right. I'm standing here with Tony Shalhoub. Tony, you look dazzling. Are you nervous for tonight?

Tony Shalhoub  16:55  
I'm not nervous. Why be nervous. I have nothing to be nervous about.

Frasier Crane  17:00  
A lot of great actors up in your category. We've got Larry David, Matt LeBlanc, Kelsey Grammer.

Tony Shalhoub  17:07  
Kelsey Grammar. I got a few words for that guy.

Interviewer  17:10  
Well, good. I'll-

Tony Shalhoub  17:11  
Kelsey Grammar. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Interviewer  17:16  
Well, have fun in there tonight.

Tony Shalhoub  17:20  
I can certainly explain. 

Sydney  17:23  
Doesn't sound great, Tony.

Tony Shalhoub  17:24  
The Lead Actor in a Comedy or Musical category is always such a tight race. It was an inside joke some of the category regulars had to ease the tension.

Teddy  17:33  
I've never known you to be funny, Tony,

Tony Shalhoub  17:35  
I assure you Monk was considered a comedy. I promise you I did not kill Kelsey Grammer and I didn't thwart his career either. He was a friend of mine. I don't know why you're putting this all on me. Everybody knows that Moose's son has been publicly shaming Kelsey for years. If anyone would have the motive to take Kelsey out, it would be him.

Sydney  17:56  
Did you say Moose?

Tony Shalhoub  17:58  
Yeah. The dog from the show.

Teddy  18:02  
No, no, no. That's Eddie.

Tony Shalhoub  18:05  
Yes, thank you. I watched the show, too. I thought you two were fans. Eddie was the character. Moose is the dog's real name.

Sydney  18:14  
And you're saying Eddie son has got beef with Frasier.

Tony Shalhoub  18:18  
Find out yourself. I'd be careful though. You couldn't pay me to go near the guy. 

Sydney  18:23  
Be careful. Okay, Tony. 

Teddy  18:26  
Yeah. Stupid idiot. He's a dog. Bye, Tony! I really thought we were onto something with that Tony theory. So great to hear is a fan though. 

Sydney  18:42  
So great. 

Teddy  18:44  
What do you say? We talked to the so called Bad dog.

Moose Jr.  19:06  
Do you mind if I smoke, do you?

Teddy  19:07  
No, man. We're cool.

Moose Jr.  19:09  
It's a bad habit. I've tried but some habits just can't be kicked.

Sydney  19:15  
This is Moose Jr. He's the son of Eddie that Jack Russell Terrier that played all those harmless pranks on Frasier. Their back and forth was electrifying and had critics on their feet with applause every week. Hey, Moose Jr., did you spend lots of time on set as a puppy?

Moose Jr.  19:30  
Please call me MJ.

Sydney  19:32  
MJ really? Even with, you know... with, you know. I mean, you saw the documentary, right?

Moose Jr.  19:41  
I don't watch movies.

Sydney  19:42  
I mean, technically, it was more of a docu-series.

Teddy  19:44  
So MJ did you do spend a lot of time on the set of Frasier when you were younger?

Moose Jr.  19:50  
Sure. Dad had me my 14 siblings around all the time. I basically grew up on Peri Gilpin' lap.

Sydney  19:55  
She sounds cool. I'm a dog person myself. So no worries there. Say, did you spend any time getting to know Kelsey Grammer?

Moose Jr.  20:04  
Kelsey? What's there to say about a man who destroyed my family?

Teddy  20:10  
Excuse me? You watch your tongue?

Moose Jr.  20:13  
Oh, you think I should? You must not have been keeping track of the 306 threats Frasier made to kill my father over the course of the show.

Sydney  20:19  
No, you're lying. Frasier wouldn't hurt a fly.

Moose Jr.  20:22  
Don't believe me?

Daphne  20:36  
Eddie was viciously attacked. 

Frasier Crane  20:38  
Oh, is that coffee cake I smell?

Fasten your seat belt, Eddie. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 

Listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep. 

Down Eddie down. I said down! Get down! (barks) Oh, stop it. If I had stuck dad's feed into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him. 

I wish I could just kick that cane out from under him once in a while. And that he would land on Eddie. 

My bedroom is off limits to this fleabag.

Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan. 

No, no, not Eddie. 

Martin  21:20  
But he's my best friend.

Frasier Crane  21:22  
He's weird.

Moose Jr.  21:27  
And that's only side a tape 142.

Sydney  21:29  
Come on. It was the 90s things were different than. Plus, Kelsey was just doing his job, reading his lines, because as we all definitely know now he's an actor.

Moose Jr.  21:39  
I see. You think that was just acting. Kelsey's trained, there's no denying that, but he must have missed the class on self control. All those jokes about throwing dad over the balcony. Well, how about when he would threaten to kick my dad through a door? There's no way those words were written by David Angel. David notoriously loved my father. No, Kelsey meant what he said. Every word of it. Any trained audience could tell by that demonic look he got in his eyes.

Teddy  22:04  
Are you questioning the quality of Frasier's performance? I beg you to say that to Kelsey's 26 acting awards.

Moose Jr.  22:11  
My dad could act fucking circles around that washed up piece of shit.

Teddy  22:15  
You better watch your mouth or I'll fucking kill you. Don't you dare talk about Frasier like that again. You got it?

Moose Jr.  22:23  
I come from a very loyal family. You got it?

Teddy  22:26  
All Frasier ever wanted was his father to love him and your father only ever got in the way of that. And he like got all his nasty white fur on that authentic Coco Chanel sofa and was always eating food off the table and stuff. You know what? I'd hate him too. In fact, I'm glad your father is dead.

Sydney  22:45  
MJ, no!

Teddy  22:46  
You little shit! He bit me. 

Moose Jr.  22:49  
You blew my face. What do you think what's going to happen? This is what I'm talking about. Us dogs have never gotten respect and will never get any respect in this business. Just look what happened to that poor buddy from a dog's purpose. This is the kind of shit I'm talking about. Hollywood has been abusing dogs for years.

Teddy  23:05  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dennis Quaid totally cleared that Dog's Purpose thing right up. The dog liked being in those whitewater rapids. 

Moose Jr.  23:12  
Oh, you two have been brainwashed just like everybody else. Dogs dying every day on sets across the country. I bet just now a dog had died and some lowly PA is wrapped it up in some dirty sheets, put it in the trunk of their Corolla to take to the Mexican border where they will use the little Spanish they know so they can cross and dump the body in the Tijuana River. The Tijuana River runs red with show dog blood, believe you me!

Sydney  23:34  
Come on. You're overreacting.

Moose Jr.  23:36  
Oh, am I overreacting? Explain what happened to my father then.

Teddy  23:39  
What do you mean what happened to your father?

Moose Jr.  23:41  
He's dead, isn't he?

Teddy  23:42  
He's a dog dogs die. What do you want us to say?

Moose Jr.  23:45  
My father was treated to the best food on the market. He got acupunctur, did yoga, made a deal with the devil for the gift of immortality. He was supposed to live forever. Don't you think it's kind of weird that the most famous dog in showbiz drops dead the second Frasier ends?

Teddy  24:00  
Yeah. But I mean, who cares? What did he have to live for? It's not like anybody's itching for a Frasier spinoff about Eddie and his follow up appointments at the vet for a nagging case of lice. 

Moose Jr.  24:10  
Lice? My dad was a clean dog, a class act. He was on the cover of Time magazine for Christ's sake!

Sydney  24:16  
So was Osama Bin Laden.

Moose Jr.  24:18  
Are you comparing my father to a terrorist? 

Sydney  24:21  
No. 

Moose Jr.  24:22  
I've been investigating my father's death for years. I know he did it. I just haven't been able to pin it on and with certainty. The guy can't be pinned down. It's like he can be in two places at once.

Teddy  24:32  
You better not be talking about my Frasier.

Moose Jr.  24:36  
My father was murdered. Who else could it be?

Teddy  24:38  
Come here, you piece of shit.

Sydney  24:46  
Next time on. Have you seen Frasier Crane?

Teddy  24:49  
I think we need to talk to the people that were closest to Kelsey. Let's start with his ex wife.

Camille Grammer  24:55  
My ex started to get mixed up with some bad people. Well, not people person, not even person.

Teddy  25:04  
Spirit, oh spirit. We call upon you. 

But seriously, if you have any leads theories or phrase your stories, lay them on us. Please call our very real hotline and leave a message so we can let Frasier know his lesser fans miss him too, but also, so we can figure out where he is because, well, we'd like to know as soon as possible. Please call us at 1-833-tossed salad. That's 1-833-TSD-SALD. One more time. That's 1-833-873-7253.

Sydney  25:43  
This episode was produced by Carly MacFie, Matt Rubio and me Sydney Boniface. Music and audio production by Nick diGaetanno. Voices for this episode were provided by Danielle Iannucci as Tony Shalhoub, Gillian Ashton as red carpet interviewer and Tommy Marshall as Moose Jr. Have you seen Frasier Crane concept developed by Sydney Boniface and Lauren Andrews and episodes written by Sydney Boniface.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai