If I made a list of the top ten ways to spark an argument, this question would definitely be towards the top: What is the best way to parent? The amount of parenting techniques, advice, and theories make me want to have a temper tantrum myself! On Amazon alone, if you search ‘parenting books’ over 60,000 results come up. It shows how complex parenting can be, knowing what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. It’s so apparent on social media how much parent-shaming, parent-blaming, and parent-acclaiming go on. The subject of parenting can be a bit of a hot mess. But by God’s grace, our Heavenly Father has the wisdom and clarity parents seek. That’s why the book of Proverbs was written. God wants to guide parents to love their children by reflecting him in all they do and for children to experience God’s love through their parents. Which is why it’s amazing to me how Solomon sums up what Christian parenting is all about in one verse: Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Now this verse has often been misunderstood. Which is why it’s part of our new worship series, looking at passages in the Bible where many have missed the real meaning. Now just think on you’re own for a minute, what do you think is the meaning of this passage? Maybe you’re taking it like this, “If I parent my kids right, they will never leave the faith.” Or the flip side, “My kids aren’t close to Jesus anymore. Clearly, I failed as a parent.” Or, “My kids are still close to Jesus, I must have done a pretty good job!” None of these are hitting what Solomon is driving at. Notice where the focus is in all those thoughts: I, parent-centric parenting, which is simply not how God designed raising children to be.
This leads us to ask ourselves, “Why is parenting so difficult?” Or if you’re a child, “Why is it a struggle to listen to my parents?” It’s because often the conversation surrounding parenting is dominated by the concept of control. Whether you’re a parent or a child, control affects everything. Think about it. When you feel out of control as a parent, it affects how you view yourself doesn’t it? Your own identity. When you see you child disrespect or disobey you, is there not self-doubt in you that eats you up? When you feel like you’ve lost control, when it’s affecting your perception of yourself, it inevitably will affect how you parent. You might become much more quick-tempered. You might be constantly scanning and evaluating to see how others view your parenting ability. You might begin to see your kids as a tool to use for self-validation.
How does this affect your kids? When they experience your desire for control, and whether they can verbalize it or not, they start to push back, right? Because they too desire control, it’s all part of the disease called sin, the pride in us starting the moment we are but cells in our mother’s wombs that wants control over our lives. When kids sense this, they’ll start to test your boundaries, why? Because kids long for boundaries. In the book, “Parenting with Love and Logic,” Jim Fay says this, “Set clear and consistent boundaries to help children feel secure.” Kids want that security and how you parent not only can lead to them to feel safe, but it affects their entire worldview. If their worldview consists of constantly seeking control, they miss out on who really is in control of their identity, their purpose, and their future, right? Because who is in the driver’s seat when it comes to parenting and growing up? You know.
Training up children begins and ends with understanding who they belong to. We just sang a song called “I Am Not My Own.” The beautiful verse, “And if He has redeemed me, I am not my own. The measure of my worth is His love alone. He declares my standing, and He declares my state. So I will know myself by the name He gave.” Our children belong to God. He has control over the plans he has for their lives. And even as parents, we are always parented by our Heavenly Father, we never graduate from that. Plus, we have a Brother too don’t we? Our brother Jesus who not only gave his life on the cross to welcome us back into his family, but he longs to equip us to do what Moses talks about in Deuteronomy 6, to talk about God, impressing upon to our children the life-changing truth only he can give that affects how they view themselves and the world, “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Jesus is what connects everything we do, because we through his life, death, and resurrection, and the beautiful gift of baptism, don’t have to wonder who we are and why we’re here. When you have identity certainty in Jesus, when you understand his intentionality consumed by grace for your children’s well-being and for you yourself, you can see parenting with the right lens and, kids, you can see your parents through that Jesus-lens too. It’s not about how can I have control, it’s about rejoicing in how I have zero control, but my Savior has authority over all. So to help us think through the implication of training our children with a Jesus-centric approach we’re going to walk through each major stage of child development and see how this applies.
Starting with infants and toddlers. For one thing, we severely underappreciate how amazing these little ones are. For example, I learned through an article from the APA that before the age of two, babies develop empathy, the ability to make moral judgments, and have language cognition already in the womb. More and more scientists are discovering the cognitive depth of infants, but of course these wonderful humans can sometimes a little challenging! They don’t always want to take a nap when they’re supposed to. They won’t eat the mush of green beans. we don’t always know why they’re crying. There are moments we just can’t get through to them. We feel so out of control. But remember when it comes to training a child, who’s really in control? Reminding yourself constantly that little one belongs to Jesus and what I can control is how I love them. It’s intentionally remembering that the Lord cares for that tiny baby and how God is using your parenting opportunities to first of all teach you about how truly powerless you are even now, to rely on him and appreciate the joy of building the foundation of Jesus already at this age.
Because believe it or not, your children’s worldview is developed early on in life. According to researchers from Andrews University, “The child's moral compass is fairly determined by the age of 9.” Think about how amazing and yet also how scary this is. You get to be the first voice in their lives about identity, about sexuality, about life, about relationships. You get to help form the worldview they’ll be comparing every other influence they hear for the rest of their lives! And how awesome is our God that has given us his Word that “makes us wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” Study after study shows that parents are the most important spiritual influencers in their child’s life, more than double a pastor! Again, you may be thinking, “I don’t feel equipped!” Fear not, because remember who’s with you. Remember who’s in control. Remember you’re not alone. You have resources and people ready to help in this, and again, it’s such a grace thing that we get to bring that voice of Jesus into our kids’ lives!
Then, we get to the teenage stage, and everyone in the room instantly feels awkward. The moodiness, the questions, the “I’m too cool for you, Dad,” but beyond the cultural caricatures of teenage-hood, this is an incredible stage of development. According to the NIH, “The most important psychological and psychosocial changes in puberty and early adolescence are the emergence of abstract thinking, the growing ability of absorbing the perspectives or viewpoints of others, an increased ability of introspection, and the development of personal and sexual identity.” In other words, life gets complicated. But as complicated as life gets, one truth remains, teenagers just like babies, toddlers, and tweens, want boundaries and they want conversation. Teens, I’m about to reveal a secret you may have never wanted your parents to know…ready? Teens want parents to bring up the awkward topics. They want you to talk about what Jesus has to say about topics like sexuality, like evolution, like social media, like abortion. They want to know how to react during a break-up and while nonverbally they may throw their hands in the air, or stay silent or lash out when you try to inject Jesus into your communication, but even still studies have shown teens long to know boundaries, to know wisdom, to grow in their understanding of life. It’s why it’s worth bringing them to church, not guilt-tripping them, but joyfully talking about how worship is a non-negociable because we need to be real about our sins, confront the struggle, and ask for the healing of forgiveness. We need to hear the Bible and breathe in God’s grace in Word and Sacrament so we remember we are not our own, that life doesn’t revolve around me, but the God who died for love of me, because that is training up a child, that is constantly planting the seed of gospel, because ultimately as a parent you will not always be here this side of heaven. We want to prepare them to live for Jesus all the days of their lives.
That sets the tone for college and beyond, right? Even as your children become adults, you strive by God’s grace to continue have a Jesus-centered intentionality in training up your children. You bring Jesus into the conversation when they’re trying to figure out their next career, whether or not to get married, or how to process their anxiety. You pray for opportunities to serve them with the wisdom of Jesus. But this is also where I think it’s so critical to have a direct conversation about what to do when you witness your kids drift away from Jesus. Maybe this is the thought that dominates your mind every day. As parents how can we not have fear that one day our kids will give up their faith? But in that fear, let Jesus speak. He tells us his Word “will never return empty.” He tell us that he will pursue us, leaving the 99 for the one. He tells us “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Again, give up your desire for control, and give it all to Jesus, pray continually not out of fear or worry but because you know what his grace can do. Such thoughts lead me to share a phenomenal quote from what I consider to be the best parenting book on the market today (outside of the Bible of course!). It’s called “Parenting” by Paul David Tripp. He writes this, “In every moment when you are parenting, you are being parented. In every moment when you are called to give grace, you are being given grace. In every moment when you are rescuing and protecting your children, you are being rescued and protected. In every moment when you feel alone, you are anything but alone because he goes wherever you go.”
This is the intentionality of God the Father, how he parents us through the lens of Jesus, how he wants to continue equipping you, training you to become just like him. It reminds me of a story I heard once about a single mom. Her boyfriend dumped her after he found out she was pregnant and life was at times beyond painful. This mom always felt like she was struggling but wanted her kids to be close to Jesus. They went through many difficult times, times when she felt like a confused failure, but then looking back years later now as a grandma holding her granddaughter, she realized how she was never alone. That her kids always had a Dad, their Heavenly Father was always there for them and for her. That’s when parenting is at its peak. When you see in every moment that your Heavenly Father is there, parenting you, and equipping you to share his love with the children in your home who ultimately belong to Him. We are not our own, dear friends! Amen.
