How to be intentional with your thinking using the coaching model

Hey lady, 

In today's episode, we go over the coaching model and how it helps you become intentional with your thinking. 

I pray this episode blesses you!

Much love, 

Wendi

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More about coaching resources from me:

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More about coaching resources from me:

Website | LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | Contact Me | Schedule Consult

P.S. ​If you enjoyed this podcast, I'd love to ask you to follow and leave a quick review. It only takes 30 seconds, but it makes a huge difference to my show. Click here to open Beyond the Military in Apple Podcasts to leave your review.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Wendi: Hello, and welcome to episode 90 and happy Monday. I hope that you are doing amazing. You enjoy your weekend and you are ready for this week. And if you didn't and you're not feeling so amazing or well, or even good. Then that's okay too. I'm here to tell you that it's completely fine to feel all the fields, especially the negative emotions, even when it's hard. 

[00:00:25] Wendi: And I'm the first one to tell you that I don't like to feel the negative feelings. I don't like to feel overwhelmed. I don't like to feel frustrated. But it's necessary. Because what I believe, and I know this to be true, especially for myself on how I operate. It allows me to see. What's happening in my mind. 

[00:00:45] Wendi: Yeah. Allows me to take a moment to really ask myself, why am I feeling frustrated? Why am I feeling. Irritated. Why am I feeling. Like this. Um, Heaviness on my chest. Why am I feeling this? [00:01:00] Like heat around like my upper body. So I don't know how that may feel for you, um, different emotions for differently, for different people. But for me, I always tend to feel. 

[00:01:12] Wendi: Um, Short of breath. And I just feel like something is pushing on my chest. And it doesn't feel good. And so that's when I know, okay, something is happening. What is going on in my brain? That, what am I thinking about? What am I worried about? What am I concerned about and really, what am I scared about as well? Because. 

[00:01:34] Wendi: Most of the time it's because we don't, at least for me. I don't want to fail. I don't want nothing to go wrong. I want it to be. Done correctly. And I wanted to be done. Within the timeframe that I set myself to. To do it. And in that amount of time. And this is why I am. So happy that I am talking to you today about being [00:02:00] intentional with what you're thinking. 

[00:02:02] Wendi: And the tool that I use, which is the coaching model, which if you've been tuning in and you've been listening. To the most recent episodes, um, the. Previous episode. Journaling versus thought download. I mentioned that I would be going in more, um, in explaining what the coaching model is and how use it. 

[00:02:25] Wendi: And how we can serve you. And really help you see what's going on in. Uh, in your, in your mind and really take an inventory of those thoughts that are coming in. And I will say this works differently with everyone. Um, and not to say that. It gives you different results. It gives you the same result. 

[00:02:42] Wendi: It helps you see in organize what's happening in your mind. But it just gets used differently. Um, for, for many people. Um, and by that, I mean, Um, you can really dissect this and take some time in it, or you can just use it as [00:03:00] a tool to, to show you. Really, you know, maybe the quality of your actions, right? Maybe they're high quality actions, maybe they're low quality actions. And by that, I mean, 

[00:03:11] Wendi: You know, are you actually moving and making progress towards a result? Because I think that sometimes we lose focus. And we forget that. You know, me running five miles every day may not increase my time. It may not work for me. Right. I may be doing the same action. Every single day or, you know, week by week, but it's not helping me with my result. 

[00:03:36] Wendi: So maybe instead of running five miles every day, I need to do sprints and then a long run and, you know, so on and so forth that may make, or that may help me. Um, Get closer to my result, right? It's going to help you see the quality. Of your actions or maybe even so your inactions. So this is why I love. [00:04:00]

[00:04:00] Wendi: The coaching model. I love. The way it. Um, helps me see. What I'm making things mean. Based on what's happening externally, right? Because most of these things that we worry about that we get anxious about the weakest stress out about that. We get overwhelmed about most of them, we can not control it's out of our hands. 

[00:04:25] Wendi: You know, especially as a mom, like as much as I would love to say that, Hey, I have full control of my kids. I don't. They just don't do the things that I tell them to do. And that's just the way it is, right? I mean, it's a part of being human. We cannot control other humans. And most of the time, that's where frustration comes, you know, at work. 

[00:04:46] Wendi: At the stops at the stop light or stop sign. At, um, different events, right? We can't control people's actions. We can't control how they feel when that's, sometimes it's painful for us, especially as a mom. [00:05:00] We don't want our kids to feel a negative emotion or go through it. A negative experience. 

[00:05:05] Wendi: But again, this is why I love the model, the coach model. It helps us see how we can. Look at things differently, have a different perspective and also making things mean different things. 

[00:05:19] Wendi: Based on how it was presented to us. Right? Because for the most part, these are sentences that have been said to us. These are sentences that we read. These are senses that literally come up in her brain. Based on our opinions. And so today I am going to break down what that coaching model looks like and how you can use it. 

[00:05:41] Wendi: Really unintentionally, right? Because that's, for the most part we're on. This unintentional journey of just reacting. And also on how to use it intentionally, how you want to think on purpose, how you want to feel. And what you want to do [00:06:00] because. This model alone. Not only helps me kind of see where I'm slacking. 

[00:06:06] Wendi: As an individual. And by that, I mean, you know what, I'm, I'm procrastinating on what I'm putting off, what I'm scared of. Or even what I'm nervous about. And so helps me see to that. There's more than just the circumstance. There's more than just a situation. It's more of. How I'm choosing to think about it. What my. 

[00:06:29] Wendi: Attitude will be about it and how I deal with it and how I run with it. And so when you get to not only dissect this and use this tool on a daily basis, hopefully because that is my hope for you, that you start using these tools to help you understand. Why you're feeling the way you're feeling, why you're doing the things that you're doing. 

[00:06:50] Wendi: And maybe even considering changing some of these things that you are constantly indulging it, right. Maybe in the, um, [00:07:00] the overwhelm, maybe in the worry, like that's really an. Uh, feeling that we always go to, we want to indulge in worrying because we think it's productive. We think it's useful. We like to indulge in. 

[00:07:12] Wendi: Um, overwhelmed where like, if, if I feel overwhelmed, I probably don't even have to do it anymore because I just don't, I won't be able to follow through. And so. Being aware of that. And being intentional, how you want to think about certain things? Is going to change the feeling it's going to change. The action is going to change the result and. 

[00:07:35] Wendi: That's what we're here for. Right. We want to be able to do more with the same amount of time, or maybe even do the exact same thing that we are doing, but less frustrated, less overwhelmed. And it really depends on where you are in your journey. Right? At this point in my journey, I want to do. Um, the same things that I'm doing or heard that I'm used to doing. 

[00:07:57] Wendi: While I'm pregnant. And [00:08:00] it's definitely been a challenge for me. It's been, um, different because again, I have to remember. That the way that my mind or the speed of the mind is going, my body is not following along. My body's like I read on one two, and I really don't feel good. I just want to sit here. I don't want to think about anything else, but there comes a time where I'm like, okay, 

[00:08:22] Wendi: We've not necessarily had enough, but now at the time that I have to literally be intentional with what I have going on with what I know my responsibilities are. Right. I still have to feed my kids. I still have to pick them up from school. And those are the things that I'm. You know, Making sure that I don't drop the ball on. Right. I there's things that happen every single day. 

[00:08:47] Wendi: That I want to show up and do, right. Like taking my kids to school. I love doing that. I love picking them up. I love spending time with them in the car before they get to school and immediately after school, because they tell me everything. And it's just [00:09:00] such a. Valuable moment for me. And. Those are the things that I value and I prioritize as much as I can. 

[00:09:09] Wendi: And so being able to do things with them after school is also very important for me to help them with their homework for me. Um, to be able to actually talk to my husband about what we're having for dinner and, you know, things like that in. Not necessarily. You know, postponing things that I truly love and, you know, spending time with my family. 

[00:09:29] Wendi: So that's what I want to offer you today, too. You know, is there something that you may be possibly putting off on procrastinating on? Not necessarily because you're intentionally doing it. But because there are so many things that you have in your mind. That you haven't really organized or you haven't even taken a time. 

[00:09:46] Wendi: To consider that you could be doing differently and even more so. Within the situation that you're in, right? You have no control of your schedule. Most of the time, if you're active duty. Yes. You do have some hard times. Yes. You do [00:10:00] some things that you are. Currently involved in, but if we're being honest, 

[00:10:05] Wendi: You really don't have control of, you know, when you may be called into or what time you may be called in. And even more so, you know, the training that's coming up or things that just come up just because of the nature of life. So again, being able to see this differently. Dissect this differently and be more intentional is really the goal here. And so also, because turned the month of may, are we talking a lot more about mental health awareness and really what that means and what it means for us in the military, especially as women, especially. 

[00:10:39] Wendi: With this whole, you know, self care thing going on, which I'm not against that. I promise, I love the whole idea of self care. But I will say that that is not the remedy to improving your mouth mental health. I like to see that differently. Yes. I, I am all for [00:11:00] that. But before you get to that phase, 

[00:11:03] Wendi: You want to take the time to do some work on what's going on internally within your mind? And so again, I'll be talking more about that in the next couple of weeks, but I want to set the foundation. Set the stage on really. How I'm going to be. Referring to. Um, too, during these, um, following episodes on how we can. 

[00:11:31] Wendi: Continue to use the coaching model and continue to see what's going on in our brains, even when we don't want to. Right. And. I'm here to tell you that. It really does feel terrible when you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe. I was filling this way and I reacted and I snapped at my kids or, you know, I said something that I didn't mean. 

[00:11:54] Wendi: But. 

[00:11:56] Wendi: Being okay. With still taking that responsibility that okay. [00:12:00] You, you didn't do what you wanted at that time. And yes, you can do better, but during that moment, that's the best that you could have done. But this is how we want to continue to improve. And this is how we want to continue to. Be aware. 

[00:12:15] Wendi: Of what's going on so that you can just become better and better and better at this. So that's the goal. This is why we're going to deep dive into what the coaching model is, so that you're, you have this readily available for the following episodes and I'll continue to reiterate and bring this up because. 

[00:12:32] Wendi: This is a very important tool that not only I use with my clients. I use with myself, but I always offer to anyone that is open. To understanding how their mind works. So. With that being said, Um, I'm going to go ahead and start with the culture model and if you're driving or you're just not in the mood of writing anything down right now, that's completely fine. Just tune in. Listen in. 

[00:12:56] Wendi: But I highly recommend that you come back to this episode and you write things down. [00:13:00] In a notebook and your notes, wherever you're most comfortable. And it really works for you. In a way that you can come back and do this. In a time where you want to really see what's going on and write things down. 

[00:13:15] Wendi: And again, it could be a part of your journaling. Um, method your journaling time. So taking the time to do this, it's going to be beneficial. I promise. And the more you do it, the better you get at it. You know, again, of course it's always helpful when you have a coach and they're telling you exactly where the root of the problem is. 

[00:13:34] Wendi: Is in where it's coming from, but this is kind of a place or a, um, placeholder for you to begin. To explore. What this really means for you. Okay. So we're going to start with identifying the five parts of the cultural model. And the first one is circumstances. The second one is thoughts. Third one is fillings. 

[00:13:59] Wendi: The fourth are your [00:14:00] actions in the fifth one are your results. So it's broken down into these five categories. And the first. Um, category is circumstances. In this block, what you want to put it? Um, Really identify here. It are things that are factual, any facts. I mean, nothing. That is an opinion. 

[00:14:24] Wendi: Um, Nothing that is going to create this, um, drama, right? This sentence of like, oh, I really hate this person. Or this person is crazy or anything like that. It has to be fact, so. What I always offer and recommend here is to put like a date. Or what people said. So. You could say something along the lines of. 

[00:14:49] Wendi: On Monday, I yelled at the kids, something like that. Or on Monday, my husband said of this. On [00:15:00] Monday, my coworker said of this, whatever, like it has to be facts, things that actually happened, or my doctor diagnosed me with this on. Whatever date. Facts facts and only facts. So when you have that down, you want to write. 

[00:15:15] Wendi: Um, okay, so then thoughts. Let me go just right into thoughts. Those are. The thoughts that you are having about that circumstance? So if we go with the last example, um, my doctor diagnosed me. With cancer on this state. What are the thoughts that are you having about that diagnosis, that, that thought that the doctor gave you the diagnosis of having cancer? 

[00:15:41] Wendi: Like, what are your thoughts? Do you feel, um, what did, what are your initial thoughts? Um, and you can include opinions. You can include. Anything that comes up in your mind. This is where you can include opinions. Um, and really anything that comes up for you. You know, this isn't fair. Why me? Anything like that. 

[00:15:59] Wendi: [00:16:00] Anything that comes up for you. That's what the thoughts are. Based on that circumstance that you just wrote down. At the very top. So then after thoughts come feelings. And the way you describe your feelings. The way you write down what feeling you're having is based on what you're feeling in your body. 

[00:16:19] Wendi: So like for me, for the most part, um, if it's, if it's a negative emotion, I will feel like pressure and I will feel sometimes even some like heat or I don't even know how to explain it, but it's. Like, I just feel like my body's getting warmer. And I just feel like someone is just pushing down, like on my chest and I just. 

[00:16:41] Wendi: Feel something heavy. And so you can write that down and you can also write what feeling. That is right. So for. Let's just say, um, for me it would be anxious, right? Like I have no idea. What's gonna go on, you know, like, whoa, this is not fair. Um, or [00:17:00] whatever the thought may been. Is going to create that feeling. So if that is. 

[00:17:06] Wendi: You know, this is not fair, then I'm going to feel. Um, if this isn't fair, I'm going to feel alone. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to possibly even feel anxious because in my brain I'm thinking, well, what, what could it possibly happen next? Right. So you want to write down, you can describe how you're feeling like within your body. And you can also write down that emotion. I like to do both. 

[00:17:34] Wendi: Um, but now I really don't write down, um, the, how I'm filling into my body as much. I usually will like, describe it out loud and then just write down. Um, like overwhelmed or frustrated. For, for that negative emotion. And then for actions. These are. The things that you do or you don't do [00:18:00] based on how you feel. 

[00:18:02] Wendi: So, for example, some of you will react. I know I'm a big, I like to react. I sometimes like to avoid, I sometimes like to just resist. Um, but these are the actions that you do. So maybe when I'm feeling anxious, I just shut out. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. Or if I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

[00:18:25] Wendi: I will. I will yell. I would just snap. Or if I'm feeling frustrated. I'm just like, I'm not really dealing with anything. Right now, I'm just going to avoid everything. I'm just going to like, again, shut down and just pretend it's not happening. So those are the actions that are. That, um, you would put on there based on how you're feeling based on the emotion that you wrote down. 

[00:18:55] Wendi: Um, and the thought that you were having, and based on that circumstance, the thoughts that you're [00:19:00] having about the circumstance. So now the results. The results are. Going to be determined by your actions. Right? What we do will always create our results. No matter what, like. As much as we try to neglect this as much as we tried to pretend that this isn't the thing. 

[00:19:25] Wendi: This is the thing like we. Based on our actions. And again, this is why it's important, right? If you have quality actions, Or low quality actions. I mean high-quality actions or low-quality actions, right? Like I mentioned the example about earlier, if my goal, I want the result to be, to cut my time, my. 

[00:19:45] Wendi: Two mile. Cut it by two minutes, meet running. Five miles or whatever amount of miles each day. May not be a quite high quality action for me, because it might not improve my time and might not get me to the result that I want [00:20:00] versus then knowing that okay, the. High quality action for me is going to be to do sprints every single day or however many times a week. 

[00:20:10] Wendi: The net may meet. That may get me closer to my result, right? Or less screaming at my kids or whatever it may be working. Um, Less frustrated, whatever your result is. You want to be able to see what actions you're doing now? That may not be. High quality actions. Then. Figuring out what can be. That high quality action that you're going to be working on. 

[00:20:39] Wendi: So that's, um, that's the model. Those circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. And so being able to see that. And especially when it's not. Something that you do intentionally, right? Because throughout the day, We're in different models all day long. Like I [00:21:00] have a model for before. 

[00:21:03] Wendi: I hit the hit record button. There's a model for me after there's a model. A coaching model that I can create before I even, um, go get the kids, whatever it may be. Whatever's going on in my mind. And because our minds are constantly working or constantly giving us different fonts. We're constantly in a different coaching model based on how we feel and what we're doing and what result we create. So again, this is why it's so important to take a moment. 

[00:21:32] Wendi: At least once a day, once every other day. To really evaluate. And see. Where you are unintentionally, right? Like. Most of the time unintentionally you're like, okay. How am I feeling right now? What is it? Okay. I'm filling this way because I'm thinking XYZ. I have a lot to do so. Of course I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

[00:21:57] Wendi: Of course I'm over here doing things that are stress and [00:22:00] snapping and yelling at everybody. And of course I am just not really getting as much done as I wanted to because that's the result that I'm creating. Because I am thinking I have so much to do, and you're just creating this negative emotion on. 

[00:22:16] Wendi: That that is. Unconsciously being made. So now you want to move into okay. How do I want to. Intentionally. Intentionally think. And intentionally feel. And intentionally do so that I can intentionally create this result that I want. And now here's the thing. 

[00:22:39] Wendi: What I'm not saying here. Is that. If you're feeling a negative emotion, this does not mean. That based on this coaching model and you create this intentional model, it does not mean that it's going to go away right away. That's not what I'm saying here. What I'm saying here is to make an [00:23:00] intentional model. 

[00:23:01] Wendi: Based on how you want to feel. In the future. And being okay with taking baby steps on getting there. Right. Because you can't go from being anxious to happy within a matter of a minute, like. You can, if you've. You know, I've done this work and you've done emotional work before. But coming from person that can get angry pretty easily, or at least used to be angry, like from zero to 100. 

[00:23:31] Wendi: Like unnecessarily too. Now, knowing that. There are different options for me on how I can feel and how I want to feel. It still takes me some level of steps, right. Because. Anger. Doesn't just show up. It's not like, oh yeah, I'm just angry. No, there are different levels and stages that get you to. 

[00:23:54] Wendi: That anger, right? Some of you may go from zero to a hundred. But [00:24:00] before that there was something that you were feeling before. Anger came up because English is not just the first emotion that comes up. So again, being okay with saying, okay, I'm a little angry right now. I really don't want to feel angry. I want to intentionally feel. 

[00:24:17] Wendi: Calm. Then you can start thinking, okay. So what do I need to think about this situation? This circumstance? That it's going to help me feel calm. And then you decide, right? You're like, okay. There's nothing that I can do about it. I can't control people. And I'm going to just accept it, whatever it may be for you. 

[00:24:35] Wendi: You may not start feeling calm right away, but you are still going to keep exploring. On ways that you can feel. Calm or at least less angry, right? Like that is the Delta allowing you to see. That there is a possibility. Th there will be less anger and then you're moving into calmness or whatever that emotion is that you want to feel [00:25:00] or that you want to do. 

[00:25:01] Wendi: Because for most of us, I know I've had clients that are like, well, Wendy, when I'm angry, I do. I do better at like my run or my PT test or. I just tend to do more because I'm angry. And I'm like, well, that's really not the emotion that you want to be fueled by. But if you take a moment and consider that maybe there's a different emotion because there is. 

[00:25:24] Wendi: Then yes, you want to be operating from a place of. Desire and service versus a place of hustle and, um, you know, wanting to prove something, because I think that for the most part. When we think that we're doing it from a negative emotion, that that's what really quote unquote motivates us. It's really because we're doing it from a place of needing to prove something to someone. 

[00:25:50] Wendi: And so again, being okay with taking baby steps and creating this intentional model is really the key. So again, you don't have to do the [00:26:00] intentional model right away. But I do offer you two. Or want to offer you to consider how is it that you want to think about the circumstance? Right. So if you've been, um, diagnosed with something like, oh, you can no longer one, you can no longer do X, Y, Z. 

[00:26:16] Wendi: Anything that is going to affect your career. How do you want to think about it in the future? Maybe not at this moment, maybe right now, you're still in disbelief and you are not understanding, not processing it correctly still, or the way you want it to be. But what can you think about it? That is going to be different. That can create a positive emotion and maybe just a neutral emotion. Right. Let's get there first. 

[00:26:42] Wendi: Maybe. The thought of, you know, This is going to. Lead me into other opportunities that I never thought of before. Maybe this is a time that I can consider my career. Maybe this is a time that I take a knee and consider what I want for the next three years [00:27:00] for my family. And I. And so now by. Creating this intentional thinking you're up now? One. 

[00:27:08] Wendi: Changing that emotion from a negative to a neutral emotion. And then eventually. Uh, create that positive feeling that you need. That is going to help you create the high quality action that you want. Right. So that you can create the result that you want. And it may be, you know, let's just say that you may want to stay in the military. You're like, okay, I'm not going to let this stop me from being in the military because there's a chance. 

[00:27:33] Wendi: There's that gray space that I am able to do. Or. You know, now maybe this is a time. For me to get out and start my career something and something different, whatever it may be. But he gives you that opportunity to see it in a different way. And that's what I'm offering you, regardless of all, it could be, it could be a divorce, right? 

[00:27:55] Wendi: It could be a divorce. And you're like, okay. What do I want to think on [00:28:00] purpose about this divorce? That you know, I've learned XYZ or it's taught me X, Y, Z, or I've enjoyed it. X, Y, Z time. What is it? There's so many things that you can think about a different circumstance, because remember your circumstance is going to be neutral. 

[00:28:16] Wendi: It's going to be differently for everyone else. So again, being okay. With. 

[00:28:25] Wendi: What's happening in your mind, unintentionally and then being okay with taking small baby steps. Two thinking. Intentionally. On purpose. Different thoughts about the circumstance that's going to help you. Really not only focus on. Your brain and organizing. What's really happening. But also it's going to help you. 

[00:28:51] Wendi: Overall, because now you are focused and you're directing your focus on the intentionality of how you want to think. And [00:29:00] that's really, what's going to help you. Not only continue to move along and make progress. But also to give you the opportunity to see that there's more. To just. The circumstance that has been given to you or that has, you know, happened in that moment. Because again, we can't control the circumstances. We cannot control control. 

[00:29:24] Wendi: Anything externally. So again, I want to offer you this. I want to offer you to deep dive into this coaching model. Take the time. To write this down. And do a model on yourself on what's going on in your brain. Right. What's a circumstance that's really affecting you right now. That's really creating this negative emotion. 

[00:29:43] Wendi: What are you thinking about it? How was that thought or that belief creating that, that in negative emotion? And then what. Are you doing? Bait because of that negative emotion, because you're feeling frustrated or whatever it may be. And what are you? What's the result of you [00:30:00] creating. Are you just completely shutting down? Are you completely just ignoring the reality of what's going on? 

[00:30:08] Wendi: You know, this is a time too for you to really see. What's happening. And. Really becoming intentional with. The, um, The circumstances and the thoughts that you're having about the circumstances so that you can then organize your brain around what's happening. Because at the end of the day, 

[00:30:32] Wendi: Your brain always wants to prove something to be true. So. We're always going to look for evidence, whatever you. Um, Director mind too. It's always going to look for the evidence. So if I say. Um, you know, I have a terrible body. Then my brain, isn't really going to tell me everything about my flat feet and, you know, I should, um, do something about my arms and I should do something about, um, you know, everything [00:31:00] else in my body. Right? Like it's going to give me so much evidence. 

[00:31:04] Wendi: And that's exactly what we do when we have no control over thinking. Our mind is going to want to tell us that it's not fair. And then you're going to look for evidence. Oh yeah. It's not fair. And I'm not the one. And I'm, you know, I'm not meant for this. And we go into this spiral. And so again, 

[00:31:21] Wendi: It's okay. That our mind. Goals and does and thinks of things over and over again, but what's not okay is for us to let it just go on its own. Because we can. I have some. At least a little bit of control of how we manage our thinking. Right. We really can't control what's coming in, but we can't organize it. We can be able to separate and filter those thoughts. 

[00:31:46] Wendi: So my question to you today is are you willing to look at what's going on in your brain, taking inventory and being okay. With that negative feeling. 

[00:31:57] Wendi: And if the answer is yes, and I apply to [00:32:00] you, and I hope that this tool not only helps you, but it continues to encourage you to, to really be. Honest and, um, really be intentional with how you. Want to think about different circumstances. All right, ladies. I hope that this episode of blessed you and that you continue to take your, your brain and your mind seriously so that you can continue to do the things that you want. Like, you can continue to show up how you want to be, because we need you. We need you in this world. All right have a beautiful rest of your day bye