Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: Kat

Fran THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by Noel

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by Sophia

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by Kaitlin

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 1 – Festival of Lights (Part 1)

[‘happy jazz thing’ from ‘6: The Survivor’s Ballad (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ begins playing]

Noel: Hey pals! A couple of things before we begin. First of all, we have recap episodes posted after every arc, if you want to skip ahead in the plot. Our sound quality was a little shaky in the first few episodes, so sometimes people like to skip those. You can look for the recaps in your feed or else go to damesanddragons.com/listen.

Kat: In the first arc of this podcast, we talk about being an all-lady podcast, but that’s not actually the case!.

Noel: Also! You’ll hear their old name until the end of arc six, but our cast member formerly known as Kaitlin is actually Juniper now!

Kat: You can check our website damesanddragons.com for pronouns. 

Hannah: Also, if at some point while listening you think to yourself, ‘Wow, I love this podcast and wish I could hear even more content.’ Do we have some fun extra stuff on our Patreon! You can even sort through it by episodes as you go, if you want. 

Kaitlin: [in a horrible nightmare voice] And with all that said—

Noel: Stop!

Kat: Jesus!

Kaitlin: [still in a horrible nightmare voice] Please, enjoy our show!

Hannah: Yes.

Noel: You can’t!

Kat: Just a slightly more norm—just a shade more normal.

Noel: You can’t!

Kaitlin: [in a less nightmare, more horrible voice] And with all that said—

Kat: Nope. Just a little bit—let’s just move that slider. Move that slider.

Noel: You can’t!

Kaitlin: [in a relatively normal, if intense, voice] With all that said! Please—

Noel: Please enjoy our show!

[‘happy jazz thing’ from ‘6: The Survivor’s Ballad (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ concludes playing]

Kat: Hi there! And welcome to Dames and Dragons. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast with a cast of all ladies! My name is Kat. I’m gonna be your Dungeon Master. We’re gonna just go around the table and introduce everybody who’s here, starting on my right. 

Noel: Um, yes, I’m—beginning!

[laughter]

Kaitlin: Solid start!

Noel: ‘Beginning’ is not my name. My name is, in fact, Noel. I am an aspiring teacher and author and I am currently a college student. I’ve known these dames since high school, where we met, at an arts high school.

Kat: Yeah, none of us went to a normal high school, and we all met each other there, and that says a lot… about… all of us. So, Noel, what are you going to be playing? Class and character?

Noel: I will be playing a water soul genasi wizard. Wizard, self-explanatory; just like Harry Potter. Exactly the same. No differences.

Kat: Jesus Christ.

Sophia: Is your character’s name Harry Potter?

Noel: Uh, that is to be revealed.

Sophia: Alright.

Kaitlin: Harry Potter!?

Kat: Okay, we’re moving on. All right.

Noel: No, no, no. I need to tell you about genasi, because it’s pretty good.

Kat: Okay, all right, tell me about your genasi.

Noel: Just a little bit about genasi. They are basically half genie, so my dad is the genie from Aladdin.

[laughter]

Kaitlin: God damn it.

Noel: Not really, but if you’d like to learn a little more about genasi, I looked up some characteristics and this is a real list of characteristics I found.

Sophia: Okay.

Kat: Okay. 

Noel: All right: Benevolent. Good. Chaotic. Determined. Hopeful… Ambiguous?

[laughter, Kaitlin hums contemplatively]

Noel: Far-fetched? 

[dramatic pause]

Noel: Ludicrous?!

[a rather more dramatic pause]

Noel: [dead-pan] Rasp.

Kat: What!?

[laughter]

Kaitlin: Rasp!

Sophia: What is… What is rasp?

Noel: Kaitlin, who are you?

Kaitlin: My name is not Kaitlin. It’s, uh, Kaitlin.

[laughter]

Kaitlin: And you told me my life story already, I went to a high school that was an art high school with all of these... fucking nerds. My character’s name is Corbin. He’s a human. Unlike—

Noel: He’s a “he”?

Kaitlin: Yeah, he’s a “he”. 

Noel: Oh-ho!

Kaitlin: He’s a—he’s a male human. Not a weird made up race that doesn’t exist anywhere.

Sophia: Can I ask a question?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Sophia: Why’d you choose human since you have whole crazy, other options?

Kaitlin: Actually I got to add a one to all of my—what are these things?

Noel: Levels.

Kaitlin: We don’t know anything about anything about D&D!

[Kat cackles]

Kat: All your modifiers?

Kaitlin: Yeah. For being human I get to add one to each of them.

Sophia: Oh damn. 

Kaitlin: And I was like, seems good. This seemed like the right choice.

Noel: And he’s what type of class?

Kaitlin: He’s a druid.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: So, he’s like, one with nature.

Noel: Ok, is he played by Corbin Bleu?

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] He’s actually—

Noel: [crosstalk] From High School Musical fame?

Kaitlin: —He’s actually played by Bruce Willis, this is The Fifth Element.

[laughter]

Kat: [exasperated] Jesus Christ. All right. Go.

Sophia: I am Sophia. I am playing a tiefling paladin. Uh, and I’m really excited, I’m basically all about wolves, that’s my character and I think we’re gonna get into that later, so…

Kaitlin: Did we bring wolves into the conversation yet?

Sophia: I always bring wolves into the conversation.

[laughter]

Kat: Sophia has brought wolves into the conversation in every conversation I’ve had with her since we were two years old.

[laughter]

Sophia: Yeah, we’ve been—Kat and I have known each other since we were two, so we kinda have—we can read each other’s minds.

Kat: We’re still bad at cheating at card games, though.

Sophia: Yeah.

Kat: We were just talking about that.

Kaitlin: By “bad,” do you mean always doing it even when you say you’re not gonna? Or do you meeeean?

[laughter]

Kat: I mean that some of us have bad poker faces and I’m not looking at anybody, definitely no one to my left who has a terrible poker face.

Sophia: You know what, I can’t help that I always tell the truth, and I’m a great person. I can’t stop that!

Kat: Oh my God. So, as I said, this is going to be a D&D actual play podcast. We’re going to do our very best, but we are really not that good at D&D, and we’re not going to adhere to the rules super well. A lot of it is going to be them asking me, “Hey, how do I do this?” And me making something up, because—

Kaitlin: And then Noel cutting that part out probably.

[laughter]

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ from ‘1: Festival of Lights (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ beings playing] 

Noel: It will basically just be like a Vocaloid song. I’ll have to piece together—just sounds, just guttural noises to make a story. We’ll see what happens.

Sophia: [hums seductively] Mm. Yeah.

Kat: It’s all good. As long as—as long as Sophie never makes that noise again.

Sophia: [hums seductively] Mm. Yeah.

[laughter]

Kaitlin: It’s already too late. We have to cancel the podcast.

Kat: [still laughing] I’m leaving. I’m done. You tell your own damn story.

Sophia: [seductively] No, stay.

Kaitlin: Please don’t make that your character voice.

Sophia: That’s my character voice.

[Kaitlin groans in disgust]

Sophia: Was that your character voice?

Kaitlin: Yes. Yeah, it is.

Sophia: Oh, wow.

Kaitlin: I’ve worked on it a lot.

Kat: [tired] Okay. Alright. Let’s get started. Let’s do this thing.

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ from ‘1: Festival of Lights (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ plays and then fades out] 

Kat: [narrating] When the world was born, it was ruled by the Forces. They looked upon the blank slate of the land and each saw a possibility. 

[‘Creepy Peaceful Space’ from ‘1: Festival of Lights (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ begins playing]

They created the mortal races, and then gods to care for them. 

But unlike the Forces, the gods were not serene nor impartial. They were petty and jealous and spiteful. They bickered and fought amongst themselves and used mortals placed in their charge as pawns in their games with one another. 

War and chaos spread wildfires which consumed the land. 

But one human child reached out and touched the hearts of the beast gods Fenrir, Cernunnos, and Muninn. These beasts lent her their power, so she could save the last survivors of the mortal world. She lifted an island into the sky and was named the Goddess. The island, she called Estra. And for thousands of years, she protected it against the machinations of the gods. She lives there, housed in the mortal vessel of her daughters’ daughters, ever vigilant of the dangers of the world below. Today, the Guardians of her vessel are to take her final test, and take their place at her side to protect her, as the beast gods of old once did.

And Corbin, you awake th

at morning shaking. You had—

Kaitlin: [whispering] Oh, fuck…

[‘Creepy Peaceful Space’ from ‘1: Festival of Lights (Dames & Dragons Soundtrack)’ concludes playing]

Kat: You had that dream again. The one you’ve had since you were small, of fire raining from the sky. And when you look above you, you can see the pale grey light of morning. The light of the sun shimmers as it’s caught in the barrier high above you. It makes the sky a little more blue and it keeps Estra safe. The crows that roost in the tree near above you stir, but few raise their heads from under their wings. Only one glides down from the platform from where you and the other disciples of Muunin sleep.

Kaitlin: [whispering excitedly] It’s Berger-jerger.

[laughter]

Kat: So, [pointedly] Burajura—

Kaitlin: Berger-jerger!

Kat: —Burajura has been your friend and protector since you first began your training as a guide to the Goddess. You are a member of the Crow Clan, a disciple of Munmin. You were given this crow, Burajura, to guide and protect you. You, being a small child, could not pronounce its name, and have such called it Berger-jerger!

[laughter]

Kat: Because Kaitlin is terrible.

Kaitlin:  Whoa!

Sophia: She’s the best.

Kaitlin: I feel attacked right now.

Kat: Okay, so, Berger-jerger—

[laughter]

Kaitlin: Yes!

Kat: Berger-jerger—

Kaitlin: Oh, sweet Berger-jerger…

Kat: —sort of pecks at your hair, gives you a little wakeup call—

Noel: How big is Berger-jerger?

Kaitlin: Yeah!

Kat: Berger-jerger is… fuck, I can’t say that name with a straight face, Kaitlin.

[laughter]

Kat: I’m gonna kill that fucking crow.

Kaitlin: That’s! Her! Name!

Kat: I’ll kill that crow just so I never have to say it again.

Sophia: [softly] No!..... It’s Berger-jerger…

Kat: Berger-jerger is now dead.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Aww.

Kat: No. Okay! Berger-jerger is roughly the size of a— about the size of a boxer. About the size of your dog.

Kaitlin: Holy shit!

Noel: That’s dope!

Sophia: That’s pretty cool.

Kaitlin: That’s awesome! God damn Berger-jerger, you go so hard.

Kat: Yeah, so, in the forest that, uh, the disciples of the Beast Gods train in, there are the three clans: the Deer Clan, the Wolf Clan and the Crow Clan. And in these clans there are your normal run-of-the-mill deer and wolves and crows, but there are also the Greater Animals. So, uh, Muniin was the Crow God. The Crow God is now dead. And instead—

Noel: Oh, how did the Crow God die?

Kat: We’ll get to that.  

Noel: He got hit by a giant car.

Kaitlin: A car god.

[Laughter]

Noel: It was eating some giant roadkill gods–

Kat: Jesus Christ.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Was it Optimus Prime?

Kat: What?

[Laughter]

Kat: ‘Is Optimus Pime—Prime the Crow God?’

Noel: I think Optimus Cri-Prime is—

[Laughter]

Sophia: Optimus Crime is the Crime God.

Noel: Optimus Prime committed an Optimus… Crime.

[Laughter]

Noel: And hit the Crow God while it was just trying to have some lunch. In the form of a truck.

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Kat: Okay.

Sophia: Rest in peace.

Kat: Well. No.

Noel: That’s canon now.

[Laughter]

Kat: Fuck you, nothing is canon unless I say it is! I am going to tolerate you meme loving fucks—!

[Laughter]

Kat: — ruining my hard-worked, well-crafted story, up to a point! Okay. So, Berger-jerger is one of the Greater Animals who is a descendent of Muniin. Uh, the Greater Animals are capable of understanding human speech, but they cannot replicate it. Uh, however you, as the Guardian of the Goddess and as a disciple of Muniin, have been given an amulet which allows you to understand your animal companion. All of you have these amulets, by the way. Berger-jerger gives you a little peck on the head as if to say ‘hey? You okay?’

Kaitlin: [whispering] Berger-jerger, I love Berger-jerger. You know, I’m real good at– Do I have to do a character voice?

Kat: Yeah, you do have to make a character voice.

Kaitlin: Oh, shit, you guys.

Noel: Yeah, do it! Now!

Kaitlin: Okay, okay I got it!

CORBIN, whose character voice sounds like a snooty old man: “Yes, Berger-jerger!” 

Kat: Jesus! 

[Laughter]

Sophia: I knew this was coming. [door slamming] Whoa!

Noel: Kat left, she slammed the door. She’s done.

Sophia: She’s gotten into a car. She’s driving away… Oh my god, she hit Optimus Prime! 

[Laughter]

Noel: I’ll miss you, Kat! 

Kat: Alright, I’m back.

Kaitlin: Are you ready for my character voice this time?

Kat: I’m - I’m ready. 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Okay.

Kat: I don’t think I’ll ever be truly prepared, but I’m ready.

CORBIN: “I feel fine, Berger-jerger.”

Kat: Oh, God, okay. You’re sixteen by the way, do you sound like a- a ninety-year-old man? You are only like, sixteen, seventeen? What age did you decide? 

Kaitlin: Let’s do seventeen, just to make it more believable.

Kat: Your fucking old man voice, okay. Uhh—

Kaitlin: This is gonna be really hard for me.

Kat: It’s only—You’re making it hard for yourself. Anyway. So, Berger-jerger. Gives you a little peck on the head, and says, 

Berger-jerger: “Hey, how you doin’? You look, you look a little shaken up. 

CORBIN: “I’m good, Berger-jerger.”

Berger-jerger: “Are you- are you good?” 

CORBIN: “I’m great at putting my feelings where I can’t feel them, so yes… I’m good at repression, Berger-jerger, that’s why.” 

Kat: As you’re saying this your mentor, Demora, pops up from the ladder that leads to the ground. She has a crow mask resting on the top of her head, and she throws an apple at you.

[could jokes be played over this (Upright Bass) starts playing]

Kaitlin: OH SHIT!

Kat: Roll a- roll a D20. 

Kaitlin: What?

Kat: Roll a DEX.

Kaitlin: Am I fighting her?

Kat: No!

Noel: You’re gonna catch the apple!

Kaitlin: Oh! Dexterity.

Kat: Yeah, roll a DEX save. 

Kaitlin: Uh, I got… Sixteen. 

Kat: You catch the apple. 

Kaitlin: Hell yeah I do. 

DEMURA: C’mon!

CORBIN: Where?

DEMURA: It’s time for your test! You’re gonna be late! 

CORBIN: Yes, I’m well prepared! Yes! Onward, let’s go! 

Kaitlin: [laughing] I’m sorry, can you please not laugh at my character voice, because it really makes Corbin feel very self-conscious.

Kat: It’s just that you sound like my dad doing his snooty voice. 

Sophia: Oh my God. It’s exactly that. 

Kaitlin: I actually kind of feel like I’m waffling between my snooty and my personal favorite Voldemort voice. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Uh, so. Now we’re gonna switch. Laika! You’ve been awake for hours. You have been going through your sword drills with your wolf, you’re just too freaking pumped to sleep! 

Sophia: I’m amped! 

Kat: You’re amped. So, your wolf charges at you, roll uh, roll to see if you can block. 

[short silence]

Kat: Yes, you roll a D20.

[Laughter]

Sophia: Alright. [Dice rolling]. Nah, I don’t block it. 

Kat: No, you don’t. Your wolf pounces on you and puts her teeth around your throat, and then sort of whips her head up and shakes her head and says:

GINGIE: You are going to get killed.

Sophia: I say... 

LAIKA, whose character voice is sounding like an old man: 
Gingie, c’mon.

Kat: WHY ARE YOU ALL SOUNDING LIKE OLD MEN? 

Sophia: I’m sorry! Let me take another pass at that. 

LAIKA, character voice sounding less like an old man: 
Gingie, c’mon! 

Kat: Gingie gives sort of a shake all the way from her head to her tail and just says: 

GINGIE: Eat some breakfast. 

LAIKA: Gladly. 

Kat: So then… I’m gonna go over to Noel, and your character’s name is Fra’Nika. Fra’Nika, you are awakened by your deer companion, which you had since— which you have, since you are part of the Deer Clan. And your deer is… Bae?

spel

Noel: Yeah, his name is Bae. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Bae. Your deer, Bae—

Kaitlin: How is that spelled? 

Noel: B-A-E.

Kaitlin: OH, OKAY!

Kat: Just the way you’d think it’s spelled. 

Kaitlin: I was imagining like a docking bay so that actually was very useful to me. 

Kat: Okay. 

Kaitlin: I’m sorry.

Kat: Your Bae is licking your face. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Did not think about that one before it came out of my mouth. Uh, so you’re awakened by Bae licking your face, because you’re late! 

Fran, groaning: UNNNNNGH. 

BAE: Wake up!

Fran: UNNNNNGH!

BAE: You’re late! 

Fran: UNGH.

BAE: You’re late!

Fran: UNGH.

BAE: You’re literally supposed to be there right now! 

Fran: Bae, whyyyyy!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: This is so accurate to real life. Can I just cut in and say?

Sophia: It’s just like what… Noel.

Kaitlin: This is exactly what it’s like. 

Kat: So, uh. Bae drops a letter onto your face. 

[could jokes be played over this (Upright Bass) stops playing]

Noel: Okay, I pick up the letter.

Kat: It’s from your mentor, who recently died. 

Noel: ...What the fuck?!

Kat: Yeah, it was a letter which she wrote for you, for this— you know, for the day of your trial, so you can read it and be inspired. I’m gonna let you read it and you can choose if you want to share that with the group, or it can just be a personal inspiration for you. 

Fran: [DRAMATIC CRYING]

[Laughter]

Kat: So Bae starts kind of gently headbutting you towards the center of the forest. 

Noel: I’m— I’m inconsolable. 

Kat: Should I roll to console you? 

Noel: Yes please, roll to console me, Bae. 

Kat: Bae rolls fifteen, and consoles—

Noel: Yes, that beats my sadness modifier. 

[laughter]

Kat: So you’re consoled. 

BAE: Okay, whatever, just, go go go! You’re late, you’re so late! Oh my God, you’re going to get eaten by the wolves. 

Noel: Alright, I run.

[Angelic goddess etc begins fading in]

Kat: So, the three of you are at the center of the forest where you all live. The Great Forest was once the entirety of the island of Estra, but as the thousands of years between when it was lifted from the world below and now, most of the island is a large city. The only part of the Great Forest that is left is in the direct center and that is where the Guardians live, that is where the disciples of the Animal Clans live. And each of you were taken in as young children and trained for this very task. To protect the Goddess. Uh, so that’s where you are. 

You are– Two of you arrive at the temp— the steps of the old temple at the center of the forest. Uh, the Goddess used to live here, this was originally where she did all of her ceremonies, and where she took audiences, but in the years it’s fallen out of fashion. The ancient tower, it looms above the treetops and it’s covered in ivy and birds are flying in and out of the upper levels. Umm, the attendants who are assigned to this temple are supposed to keep it really nice, umm, but it’s kind of the place to stash attendants that the upper clergy don’t like.

[Soft laughter]

Kat: Um, so, it’s really, kind of a heap of shit at this point. Umm. However, this is still where the trials of the Guardians take place. And, so, here you are. So, Corbin, you arrive first, with your mentor and Berger-jerger.

[Angelic goddess etc stops playing]

Kaitlin, in her CORBIN voice: That’s right. 

[Noel laughing]

Kat: And your mentor gives you, kind of a lil’ shove in the back to get you to kneel down in front of the Goddess, who is standing on the steps. Sophie, or, um. Laika?

Sophia: Laika.

Kat: [crosstalk] Laika.

Sophia: [crosstalk] As in Lycanthropy. ‘Cuz I love wolves.

Kat: So, Laika. You, on your way there, are joined by your mentor, who is a... fearsome, seven-foot-tall half-orc named Buddy. 

Sophia: Is it a lady?

Kat: No, it’s a dude. 

Sophia: Alright.

Kat: Yeah. His name is Buddy.

Sophia: Does he look a little like Buddy the Elf, like in the face?

Kat: Yeah. A little bit like. Umm. A little bit like Buddy the Elf, just— kinda— Will Ferrel features. 

Sophia: [laughing] Does he have strong arms, for hugs?

Kat: He has super strong arms for hugs. 

Sophia: Yes!

Kat: And he is, like. He gives you a pat in the back, and says

Buddy: Ready, kid?

Laika, gutturally: YEAH, HELL YEAH! 

Buddy: Alright, don’t do that when we get there! 

Laika: Yeah, sorry, I’ll be really cool, I’ll be really cool.

Buddy: Listen. Me and my group of guardians, we didn’t get much time with our Goddess. I know… that that’s probably been... a little bit of a detriment in my teaching style, since I’m not —

Laika: Buddy, you are the best teacher I could ever ask for, and I need a hug right now from those strong arms.

[Laughter]

Kat: Buddy, uh, let’s see, we are gonna roll for hugging! 

[Noel laughing, dice rolling]

Kat: Buddy gives you a pretty good hug.

Sophia: Aww. Yes. Thanks, Buddy. 

[Kat laughing]

Kat: Uh, yeah, so the Goddess before—

Sophia: Can I roll to hug Buddy back?

Kat: Yeah, roll to hug Buddy back.

[Dice rolling]

Sophia: I hug him back! 

Kat: You hug him back, and you, in fact — you hug him even better than he hugged you. 

Sophia: Ya! [crosstalk] Fuck you, Buddy! Ha ha!

Kat: [crosstalk] You— He looks at you, pulls away and looks, and he says

Buddy, [with a lot of feeling]: [deep breath]... The student… has surpassed the teacher!

Laika: Oh my God, Buddy, that means so much… Wow…

Buddy: C’mon… You’ll give ‘em hell. Let’s go!

Laika: Let’s give ‘em hell, Buddy.

Kat: Alright, so you guys are off, uh, and you arrive—

Kaitlin: Am I there? I was there first, right?

Kat: You were there first, and they—

Kaitlin: I’m silently crying as I witness this. 

[Soft laughter]

Kat: So Buddy, kind of gives you a pat on the shoulder which also makes you kneel. Because he does not trust you to actually kneel by yourself.

Sophia: Mmhm. Mhmm, good call. 

[Angelic goddess etc begins fading in]

Kat: And two of you are there. The Goddess is standing on the steps of the temple surrounded by her attendants. The Goddess is about your age. Umm, as you guys were selected to be her Guardians the day she was born. And the day she was born was also the day the previous Goddess died. Usually the Goddess lives to be quite old and then she will give birth to her new vessel. But the previous Goddess died at eighteen. She barely had time and things have been pretty weird since. The new Goddess doesn’t make a lot of appearances, even though she trained with each of your Clans, you guys barely saw her, and you only really know her in passing. 

Noel: How old is she?

Kat: She is sixteen. So she is roughly your guys’ age. 

Sophia: We’re sixteen too?

Kat: Sixteen, seventeen.

Kaitlin: I am seventeen.

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: I’m also seventeen.

Sophia: I’m sixteen.

Kat: Alright, little baby. Little baby over here. So she is standing on the steps. She has dark black skin, and thick black hair which is done up in these elaborate braids, and woven with gold thread into a crown on the top of her head. She’s wearing a wolf’s claw on a necklace around her neck, and has bracelets made of antlers and earrings with crow feathers in them—

Sophia: Cool.

Kat: —nods to her guardians. She has gold painted designs on her hands and her feet and her face that glitter in the sunlight. She’s— really, definitely, an impressive figure, even at sixteen. She’s dressed in these layers and layers of gauzy white fabric that just makes it look like she’s floating, she’s definitely… gorgeous. She gives you guys a lil’ wave-

Sophia: I freak out. 

[Kat laughs]

Kat: You have a little freak out?

Sophia: I freak out!

Kat: Silently?

Sophia: Yeah.

[Angelic goddess etc  fades out]

Kat: Okay. Buddy gives you a sorta, like, a pat on the head, to calm you down. 

Sophia: Okay, thanks, Buddy.

Kat: And then Fra’Nika, you, you come busting in! Shoved by Bae!

Noel: I roll up! 

[Laughter]

Kat: And the attendants that are standing at her sides… “[courteous cough]”... give you a big gesture like, ‘should be kneeling’!

Fran: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay. Um. 

Kat: Do you kneel?

Noel: So like, I’m, like, walking, and I look at some stuff, is there anything that I could like, cavalierly fiddle with? 

Kat: Like, some, some bushes or some trees or something.

[Laughter]

Kat: You’re in a forest!

Noel: I just cavalierly examine some of these bushes. I’m like ‘What’s up with this bush! Oh my God!’

Kat: Bae headbutts you fully. In the back. 

Fran: Bae, this is typical behavior. Of you. 

Bae: Kneeeeel!

Noel: [like an annoyed teenager] Okaay, I kneel. But I don’t look happy about it, and I have my arms crossed.

Kat: Oh my God. 

[Laughter]

Kat: The attendants standing next to The Goddess— there’s four of them. Uh, there are two that are wearing veils that have um, golden deer face, embroidered onto them, and the other two, there’s one that has a wolf’s face embroidered on her veil and the other has a crow’s face. Um, each of, um, as I was saying, they are the people who train with the uh, clans, to be attendants of the Goddess. Um, and so they will wear veils or masks to signify which Clan they come from. So. One of the Deer women comes forward and she says

DEER ATTENDANT: Welcome, guardians! The Goddess extends her greetings, and is glad to see that you’ve done so well in your training! This will be your last trial before you take your place at her side! To guard her, for all of your lives! 

[(calm, electronic) Moon farts begin playing]

[Fran ANNOYINGLY  WEEPS]

DEER ATTENDANT: Are you prepared to begin this task? 

Fran, still weeping annoyed: Listen…

Kat: Bae gives—just headbutts again. He headbutts you again.

Noel: I go silent.

Kat: Your mentors are looking at you guys, the other two, expectantly. 

Laika: HELL YEAH! 

CORBIN: [WHEEZES] Yes...

DEER ATTENDANT: Very well… I’m excited… to see… how you do.

Kat: The attendant steps aside and the Goddess steps aside with her and is kinda ushered away from the entrance to the temple. There are steps leading up to a large stone door, with three handprints on it. The wolf attendant says, “place your hands in the imprints”. And I assume y’all do?

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Sophia: We do it.

Noel: I do it, but on the way, I look at some more bushes. 

Kat: [Breathes in] Okay.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: We never got— we never got a verbal, confirmation…

Noel: It’s fine. I was there— when they asked the question. 

Sophia: [quietly] Alright…

Kat: Okay. So the door rumbles and then recedes into the sides of the temple. And there’s a staircase downwards. All three of you leave your animal companions behind as you walk through the doorway. 

Corbin and Laika, you two leave your mentors behind as well, and the three of you proceed down the staircase together, having never really met each other before, but only have been vaguely aware of each other’s existence through training with your own Clans.  So as you go down, there’s lights on the walls that are just sort of these spidery blue veins which illuminate as you walk past. 

And… when you get to the bottom, you’re in a room where there’s a tapestry on the wall opposite you that shows you a map of the world below. And on the wall with the door you just came through, there is a picture of the Goddess raising Estra. Uh, and then on the room— on the wall to your right, there is a mural of the Goddess as a child running with a pack of wolves. And as you enter into the room, the door slams shut behind you. 

[Moon farts ends playing]

Noel: Alright, alright alright. So I guess it’s time for like, introductions, huh.

Sophia: I sniff your guys’ butts. 

Noel: UGGGGGGGH

Kaitlin: I scream. 

Noel AND Sophia: Listen.

Fran: Listen, no. You can’t sniff my butt. 

Laika: It’s custom, and normal, and we all do it. 

CORBIN: It’s not custom! 

Laika: What are your customs? 

Fran: Can you just like tell me who you are before you sniff my ass? 

Laika: Hey, I’m Laika, and now I know all of your secrets, but it’s great to meet you.

CORBIN: Name one secret. 

Laika: [laughing] You had tacos for breakfast. 

CORBIN: Holy shit! 

[Laughter]

Kat: Didn’t you have an apple for breakfast? Didn’t we go over that?

Kaitlin, [in their CORBIN voice]: And then I had tacos! 

Sophia: I told you.

Noel: Sophie, can you describe yourself? What do you look like? 

Sophia: Um, that’s a great question. Okay, I have reddish greyish skin, cause 

I’m a tiefling. I’ve got lil’ pointy horns. And there is like a chip out of one of them. 

Noel and Kaitlin: Awwww.

Sophia: And I have long black hair. Aaand I’m wearing really cool armor that I’ve drawn, like in sharpie, like wolves on every part of the armor I can find. It looks pretty much like a highschooler did it. 

Kaitlin: Like a highschool notebook?

Sophia: Yeah, like— it’s a highschool notebook.

Kat: Or like when you draw on your jeans?

Sophia: Yeah, and I had like, like, collage pictures of wolves and wolf celebrities that I cut up, like Teen Wolf, like— it’s on there, it’s on there for sure. 

Kaitlin: You got like a little drawing of Stiles on there? 

Sophia: Oh, for sure. I had some fanfic I wrote—

Noel: Stiles is— Stiles is not— anyway.

[Laughter]

Sophia: He can be on there, though.

Kaitlin: I know he’s not a wolf, but like—

Noel: Anyway.

Kaitlin: — Everybody likes him, right—

Noel: Anyway.

Kaitlin: I’ve never— I’ve never watched one season of Teen Wolf...

Noel: Anyway. Alright. And you, you uh, Big Guy, you look just like Corbin Bleu, from—? 

Kaitlin: I’m very small! For a… I’m quite small, for… my age.

Noel: How small are you? Would you please describe yourself actually? 

Kaitlin: Is it my turn? How tall are you, Sophia? 

Sophia: I-I’m six foot one. I’m super fucking tall. 

Kaitlin: Damn. Alright. I’m a human so I look, like, a human. Um, as in like, I don’t have any, you know, like, red-colored skin.

Sophia: Hey. 

Kaitlin: Or grey-colored skin. [Laughs]. I have black hair, aaaaand, uh… Black eyes. Like— and I mean like, big black like— 

Noel: Like the whole thing is black. 

Kat: What?!

Kaitlin: Not quite the whole thing, but, like, almost. It’s the only weird part about me. Everything else is super— super normal. Anyways, uh, actually, my age is sixteen on here.

Sophia: We’re both sixteen. 

Kaitlin: I’m seventeen. I JUST had a birthday. 

[Laughter]

Noel: This morning.

Kaitlin: This morning it was my birthday. 

Sophia: That explains the tacos.

Kaitlin: Yeah. Uhh—

Kat: Birthday tacos. That’s a totally normal thing in Estra. That’s like— the thing.

Noel: Thank you, DM. It’s canon.

Kat: It’s canon now, I said it! 

Kaitlin: I’m five’six”, so I’m actually not— I dont know, how tall are teenage boys? I’ve never seen one, so—

Kat: Okay, uh, five’six” is short, yes. 

Kaitlin: Okay, cool! I’m short. Ummm, aaaand, uhh, I’m kind of underdressed? I’m wearing like, the bare minimum of a leather armor, like. You’re kind of wishing I was wearing more. 

Kat: Are you— are you skimpily dressed? You’re the only male in the party and you’re wearing skimpy armor?

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Kat:  Perfect.

Kaitlin: Yeah, and I’m [crosstalk] 

Kat: Does it show one boob?

Kaitlin [laughing]: Yes. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Good.

Kaitlin: I’ve got a real big side boob problem. Um, yeah, and I’ve got, uhh, kind of like uhh, kind of a bikini happening, down here? And a little bit of a loincloth, but you wish it was longer. 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: You look at me and you’re just kind of like, ‘I wish that loincloth was maybe ten inches longer.’

[Laughter]

Noel: Ten?!

Sophia: Is it two inches long?

Kaitlin: It’s about two inches, yeah.

[Laughter]

Kat: What is uhh—

Noel: I think— I think that ten is a little optimistic, don’t you think, Corbin? 

[They laugh for like five straight seconds, you can hear the mic being hit in the middle of it]

Kat: Woo!

CORBIN: Oh, what? What do you— What—

Fran: I was— I was asking you to introduce yourselves [background laughter], and you just kept staring at me this whole time with your scary eyes! 

Laika: What’s up with your eyes, dude? 

CORBIN: Wha-? Nothing. They’re quite normal.

Fran: Who are you? 

CORBIN: My name’s Corbin! 

Fran: And what’s— what’s three other things about you?

CORBIN: Umm, I… I enjoy eating berries.

[Background laughter]

Fran: Okay... 

CORBIN: I had tacos for breakfast.

[Laughter]

Laika: We got that. 

Fran: That one’s a gimme. Do you happen to be new in town?

CORBIN: And I enjoy spears, I like to use tools with my tiny claws. 

Laika and Fran: Okay…

Fran: Alright, so you’re a Crow-Magnon, good to know! Um, so, I’m 

Fra’Nika! Um, I wish I wasn’t here right now, and I wish you guys were dead! Sooo! 

Laika: Ouch…

Fran: [Laughing] That’s a lil’ joke! That’s a little joke. 

CORBIN: I’ve been- I’ve been learning how to express myself, and I’d like to say, that... hurt my feelings. 

Fran: Okay, I, uh, just woke up, so I kinda, like, [tired laughing], I’m gonna need you guys to take the lead on this one. If there is like, anything big,I would really rather not… engage.

Laika: What’s uh, what’s your story? 

Sophia: What do you look like?

Noel: So, um, I look like… Uh... the daughter of genie from Aladdin.

[Laughter]

Sophia: So, blue?

Noel: Yes!

Sophia: Okay.

Noel: I’m blue, da ba dee da ba die. I’m seventeen years old, I’m five’three”, shorter than either of you. Not like in real life. 

Sophia: I’m gonna destroy you guys!

[Laughter]

Noel: You’re gonna have to carry us around [laughs]. My weight is listed as “frail,” my eyes are dark blue, my skin is kinda bluish green actually. Like— like, sea foam green.

[Others humming in understanding]

Noel: Um, and my hair, is water! 

[Laughter]

Sophia: Whoa! 

Noel: I’m a water genasi, so like, honestly like this island floating in the sky thing is not really doing it for me. 

[More humming in understanding]

Noel: Anyway, I guess we should figure out what to do, huh? 

Sophia: Can we look around the room? 

Kat: Yeah, go ahead. You can Investigate if you’re investigating something specific, otherwise it’s a Perception check. 

Noel: Okay.

Sophia: I have zero Perception. Bad call on that one!

Kaitlin: I have four Perception, so…

Sophia: I got a nine. 

Kat: [crosstalk] Okay.

Noel: [crosstalk] Alright. 

Kaitlin: I got eighteen. 

Kat: Okay! And with that… you can see that in the mural of the Goddess, uh, she’s, so as I said— she’s a child, she’s running with wolves and she’s holding a knife in her hand. Uhh, and you can see that there is.. kind of a shadow underneath the knife? And, and it looks like it doesn’t... quite belong in the mural.

Sophia: I wanna take that knife.

Kat: You wanna just take it?

Sophia: Actually, I wanna Investigate it first, I’m gonna Investigate that knife. [Dice rolling], so that’s, an eighteen plus one, so nineteen. 

Kat: Yeah, it’s a knife. You can definitely take it. 

Sophia: I don’t know… [crosstalk] What do you guys—

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] Careful, Indiana Jones!

Kat:  You can also tell, maybe something that none of you quite notice it yet, but there is no other door in this room? 

Kaitlin: How dark is it? 

Kat: Um, it’s… I suppose saying say it’s about as dark as it is in this room now [crosstalk] doesn’t help our listeners.

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] Doesn’t help listeners.

Kat: Doesn’t help our listeners. 

Sophia: So it’s [crosstalk] dim.

Kat: Dim.

Kaitlin: It’s dim. 

Noel: I’m gonna use a cantrip. And I’m gonna use the cantrip Light.

Kat: Okay. 

Noel: I’m gonna cast it—

Kaitlin: Big shot over here.

[Laughter]

Noel: Whoa, alright. I forgot to mention what I was wearing, which is just like basically attendants’ clothes—

Kaitlin: Are you not in your birthday suit?

Noel: No, I’m not in my birthday suit. Like I said, it’s in the wash. 

[Laughter]

Noel: So, umm, I touch an object that is no larger than ten feet and it glows! And I’d like to point out that the color can be as you like. 

Sophia: Oh, what color is it?

Noel: [laughing] So, um, I just touch like, my sleeve of my shirt— 

Kat: Oh. 

Noel: — and my shirt is now alternating between yellow and blue. 

Kaitlin: It’s a rave! 

[Laughter]

Kat: Raaaaave! Do do doop doop doot, doot doot! 

Noel: So it’s brighter in here now. 

Kat: Cool.

Sophia: Do we notice anything? 

Kat: Nah.

Sophia: Okay. 

Sophia: I think we should just take the knife, right? 

Noel: Hm-hmm, grab it.

Sophia: I wanna grab it. 

Kat: You take the knife and the room grows dark for just a second. 

Sophia: Except for the shirt, right? 

Kat: Except for the shirt! 

[Laughter]

Kat: It grows dark and then the lights come back up, and they are green, and there’s a new mural. So in addition to the one of her with the wolves, now on the wall across from it, there is a mural of her as a teen, sitting next to a spring with a herd of deer. In this one, she’s using magic to make a tree grow. 

Noel: Alright, so, that’s deer, that’s, like, my whole thing. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, that’s you, yeah. 

Noel: Umm, so I’m going to Investigate this mural? Can I do that?

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: So I investigated the mural. [Dice rolling] seventeen. 

Kat: Yeah, you can tell that the tree is the same as the knife, it’s— it’s um, a real object that’s been set into this mural.

Noel: A tree?

Kat: It’s a branch! It’s just, like a— 

Noel: Oh, I love checking out branches! This is like, my— okay. I, I take the branch. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Okay, the light goes dark again and then it lights again, and now the lighting is purple, and on the floor below you, now there is another mural. Umm, this one is of the Goddess as a young woman, and she is riding on the back of an enormous crow. 

Kaitlin: Umm-hmm, that’s me. 

Noel: That’s you, Corbin Bleu! 

Kaitlin: [sigh] Umm, I Investigate the uh, mural.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: Oh good, I didn’t check my Investigation before, and it’s got an amount to it, and this is not great! I got a seven. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Is that— is that with your—?

Kaitlin: Yeah! 

[Laughter]

Noel: I also Investigate it—

Kat: Well, first off, Corbin, you investigate this and say—, you look at it and you think: ‘What a beautiful mural’. 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I do that.

Kat: And then you see the crows— that there’s a couple crows at the painting and you see one on the corner and you’re like: ‘Is that Berger-jerger?’

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: [laughing] Berger-jerger!

Fran: I don’t think it’s Berger-jerger. I’m gonna look at this. Can you take a step aside and let the professionals do it? 

CORBIN: Urrrgh.

Noel: That’s a twenty, but not a natural twenty. 

Kat: Okay. Umm, you find in the giant crow’s wing, there is a, uh, a feather that is made of cloth, that you can pick out. 

Noel: Okay, I um, point to it, and I flash my shirt and do a shimmy.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I start dancing. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright.

Sophia: I start dancing too. 

Fran: Hey, Corbin Bleu! Your music career was not successful! And you need to come over here and look at this wing. 

CORBIN: Wha—?

Laika: Corbie, I think your music is great. 

CORBIN: Thank you. 

Fran: There’s no music playing. There is no music whatsoever you’ve been dancing to nothing. 

Kaitlin: I look really disheartened but I do reluctantly go and look at the uh, the weird feather. 

Noel: I point.

Kaitlin: I come, and I kind of give you a rude look, and then I take the feather. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright, and with that all the lights go out, and they do not come back on. 

Sophia: Oh geez. Except for that shirt.

Noel: Except for my shirt!

Kat: Except for that shirt. Yeah, so you can still see with your shirt. 

Noel: And it’s just normal?

Kat: Yep—

Noel: The same as it was? 

Kat: Nothing’s— nothing else has happened. It’s just completely dark. 

Laika: This seems bad.

Noel: Try putting that feather back. [crosstalk] See what happens—

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] I lay down on the ground. 

[Laughter]

Kat: You just give up already.. jeez.

Sophia: I lay down too cause I’m like ‘what are you doing? What’s that about?’

Kaitlin: You just—

Noel: Honestly you guys, I lay down too, I’m tired. I lay down like, with my feet on Laika and with my head on Corbin—

Kaitlin: I roll away. 

Sophia: I smell your feet and I say: “Mmm.”

[Kat laughs loudly]

Noel: My head hits the ground and I snap back to my feet and I kick Corbin.

[Kaitlin makes a wheezy laugh] 

Kaitlin: I start to cry a little bit, but I put the feather back ‘cuz, I thought that [laughter] someone, like, God or something, say that to me —

Noel: You don’t have to call me that.

Kat: Nothing happens. There is no effect. 

Sophia: Maybe we should put them together. 

Kaitlin: Umm, but— let’s touch them all. 

CORBIN: Let’s put all the things and touch them together. 

Fran: That is what a man would say.

[Laughter] 

Noel: Okay! Alright! So—

CORBIN: [Long exasperated groan]

Sophia: We do that, we do that. 

Kat: Okay—

Noel: We all do it. 

Kat: — you touch the cloth feather, and the knife, on the stick.

[Laughter]

Kat: Good job. Good job. 

Sophia: [quietly] Nothing happens?

Noel: Hmm... Knife, feather and stick. 

Kaitlin: I can do Detect Magic.

Sophia: Okay, cool. 

Kat: Sure. 

Kaitlin: Oh my god, guys, this is Baby’s First Spell. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Okay, baby. Just cast your god damn spell. 

Noel :[in a creepy voice] Do it, baby. 

[Laughter]

Kat:[immediately uncomfortable] Let’s stop saying that… word, in that ...weird creepy way. 

Noel, [with a deeper, creepier voice]: Babyyy.

Kaitlin [in deep, creepy voice]: BABY’S COMIN’.

Noel[in a DEEPER, CREEPIER voice]: CAST A SPELL ON ME. 

Kaitlin: I cast it. 

Kat: Everything is magic! All of it is magic!

[Noel, Sophia and Kaitlin groaning]

Kat: The entire— everything on this island is magic! 

Kaitlin: Wait, I can— what is the school of magic? Cause I’m allowed to know what the school of magic is. 

Kat: I mean, there is literally magic all around you, you’ll have to be more specific.

Kaitlin: I want to know about my feather!

Kat: Your feather?

Kaitlin: Yeah. 

Kat: There is not really any magic on that. 

Kaitlin, Sophia and Noel: Ooooh!

Sophia: That’s interesting, maybe these are like, symbols of the Goddess? 

Kaitlin: Actually, wait— no, wait, I’m forming an idea. 

Kat: Okay… Would you like me to go through what is in the room again? 

Noel, Sophia AND Kaitlin: Yeah…

Kat: Okay, so at this point we have three murals— we have four murals. You got the first one you saw—

Sophia: Oh, there’s one more? 

Kat: So, there’s the mural that— the first mural with the wolves, there’s the one with the deer, there’s the one, uh, with the crows, on the wall you came in from, there’s a pic— a mural of the Goddess lifting Estra out of the world and on the wall across from you, there is a tapestry of a map of the world below. 

Sophia: Are there any— like on those tapestries around— is there anything that looks like we can fit in those in somewhere? 

[crosstalk]

Sophia: I’m gonna Investigate it! Or is that Perception? 

Kat: Uh, no, you can Investigate that.

Sophia: [dice rolling] Alright, that’s an eighteen plus one. So nineteen. 

Kat: Umm, there’s no— it doesn’t look like there’s anywhere you can fit it in but you feel like there is something in the tapestry. Like— like you’re feeling the tapestry, you can feel there’s something inside it.

Sophia: Okay.

Kat: Like, exactly at the point where the Great Forest is on the map. 

Noel: Use your knife! Cut it open! 

Sophia: Alright, I’m gonna cut it open. 

Kat: You cut it open and you find a small silver key inside. 

Noel: Okay.

Sophia: Is there a door behind the tapestry?

Kat: Yeah, actually there is! 

Sophia: Alright, cool, I use the key and I open the door. 

Kat: It does not work. 

Sophia: Alright, so there is something else you guys got to do, so you guys— investigate the tapestry

Kaitlin: uh... I want to Investigate that other mural. I got, uh, ooooooh.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: It's actually not that bad. I got an eleven.

Kat: Okay, so I’ll tell you a little more detail about this mural, um. So in the center there is the Goddess, and she is— she is always depicted with a different face, because she’s had so many faces as she’s gone through these mortal vessels, but you can always tell it’s the Goddess because she has the necklace of the wolf’s claw, the earrings of the crow’s wings and the bracelets of the deer’s antlers. Um, in this one it shows her raising Estra by— she’s in front and center and takes up most of the wall and she is sort of holding Estra in her arms. Which is not historically accurate, but it looks pretty! Behind her you can see the flames of the burning world, umm, and around her are Muniin, Cernunnos, and Fenrir, the Beast Gods who gave her her divinity so that she could lift the world. 

Kaitlin: Okay, I-I turn to the others and I say. 

CORBIN: I think I’ve cracked it. 

Fran: Oooh! 

CORBIN: I think that we need to make a necklace out of the- what did you get, knife? And then we need to make some bracelets out of the branches, and then we—

Laika: [crosstalk] UUUHHHHHH… I...

CORBIN: [crosstalk]— and we make earrings out of the feathers and— I’M NOT DONE! And then we need to set the tapestry on fire. 

Laika: I love your enthusiasm, I love these ideas—

CORBIN: I REALLY THINK I GOT IT! 

Laika: I think that let’s take another pass at this, though. 

CORBIN: I THINK I REALLY HAVE IT!

Laika: That’s great. Why don’t you look at the tapestry?

Noel: Yeah, I’m gonna investigate the door. And I got like, twenty-three. 

Kat: Umm, the door is— you can tell it’s made of flint. 

Noel: Flint? 

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: As in fire-starting flint?

Kat: Yeah. 

Noel & Sophia: Ooooh. 

Noel: Okay, so…

Kaitlin: BURN IT!

Kaitlin: I have a spell for that. 

Noel: Shh! No, we don’t need a spell, we need to use… the cloth to make a torch with my stick and set… use your knife on the door to make a spark, and then set our torch that we made out of cloth and stick on fire.

Kaitlin: What if I use magic… 

Noel: [crosstalk] No! You are not allowed! You're gonna get us stuck in this room!

Sophia: Alright… I’m gonna stab the door to try and start a fire?

Noel: Yeah, you’re gonna like— okay first, I’m gonna take the cloth from Corbin… Are you okay with that? 

Kaitlin: [frustrated groan]

[Laughter]

Fran: Can I just— can I have that?

Kaitlin: I seem reluctant, but I silently hand it over.

Fran: Can I have that? Okay.

Kaitlin: And I kind of don’t let go of it right away. 

Fran: Alright, I just— hmmph! [crosstalk] I got it!

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] And then I let go. 

Noel: I wrap it around my— the stick and then, umm, I put it where it will conceivably get a spark showered down on it!

Sophia: And I’m just stabbin’ that door. Goin’ to town. 

[Laughter]

Noel: Are sparks coming out?

[crosstalk]

Kat: Yeah! You light your torch! 

Noel: Okay, it’s lit! What happens? 

Kat: … You lit a torch. 

Noel: God dammit! We made a torch! 

Sophia: Did we make a terrible mistake? I guess burn the tapestry? 

Kaitlin: Burn it! Yeah— no, wait, not the tapestry. 

Sophia: I think we got to burn— I already stabbed it, its value—

Noel: Yeah, let’s burn the tapestry.

Kat: You burn the tapestry and it.. it burns. 

Sophia: [laughing] Oh no.

Kat: But as it’s burning— it burns really fast, for one, like way faster than it should.

Sophia: Hm, we made the right call.

Kat: And it just disintegrates; it doesn’t so much like burn the way you think it— it just disintegrates? Except for the Great Forest in the tapestry… which stays preserved and falls out onto the sky mural. Uh, it was ripped open already, but that was— you can see that’s— you know, where the key was supposed— that was how you were supposed to get the key, you just, like, skipped a step. 

Kaitlin: Can you guys believe that I was right about burning the tapestry?

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I pulled that totally out of my ass! 

Laika: Corbin, let’s just calm down, we all are a team, and we gotta work together on this.

CORBIN: I would just like to make it known that I am the smartest person here. 

[Laughter]

Fran:[sarcastically] Yeah, Corbin, we’re a team. 

Noel: I kick Corbin. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Well. The door unlocks. Anyway, 

Sophia: Okay.

Kat: You guys can go through.   

Sophia: Alright, cool.

Noel: I think kicking Corbin was the key to getting us out of this room.

Kaitlin: I limp. For the rest. Of my life.

[laughter]

Sophia: I go through the door.

Kaitlin: I have a permanent limp!

[(piano, electronic, gentil) idk idk lmao (Ending Theme) starts playing]

Kat: So you go down. There is a long hallway and it’s all lit by the same, sort of strange spidery blue veins of light. You go down the corridor, it turns right, and then you come to another room. This room is tiled with red, black, brown and white tiles. And there are two locked doors: there is one on the wall directly across from you and one on the wall to your right. There are four pedestals in the center of the room, and each one of them has a glass orb sitting on top. There’s a red orb, a black orb, a brown orb and a white orb. 

[idk idk lmao (Ending Theme) stops playing]

Sophia: So pedestals, four different colors of orbs. Anything else in the room?

Kat: Nope, that’s all that’s in the room. 

Kaitlin: How uh, how high is the ceiling?

Kat: Normal ceiling height.  

Kaitlin: Like house ceiling height?

Kat: Yeah, like normal…y’know, ten foot ceilings. 

Kaitlin: Okay. I investigate the orbs. 

Fran: Yeah, take the lead on this one, Corbin. 

CORBIN: UUURRGH I WILL! Considering I was right about everything in the last room… Idiot!

[Laughter]

Fran: I think that I was the one that lit the torch!

Kaitlin: Oh my god, this was a one— it’s not, though, but it’s not great...

Kat: Would that be a seven?

Kaitlin: It’s a nine total. Yeah. 

Kat: Okay. Umm, so, what is that, Perception? Or did you roll-

Kaitlin: Investigating the orbs.

Kat: The orbs! They are smooth glass, uh, they are set into little indents in the pedestals… and um, that’s about it. That’s all you get from that.

Sophia: Yeah, I’m gonna try just… just, just because you got a lower one, see, see if I can [dice rolling]. Uh, that’s a fourteen.

Kat: Fourteen. Um, so, you pick up one of the orbs to look at it, and then I’ll have you make a Dexterity check.

Sophia: [sighing] Ah, Jesuuuuus.

[Laughter]

Sophia: Alright, this isn’t gonna be very good because my Dexterity is zerooooo. 

[dice rolling]

Kaitlin: You can still roll good!

Sophia: That’s a nine!

Kat: Alright! So, um, you pick up the red orb, and you’re looking at it, and then it grows really really hot, and then you just drop it; you just drop it and it shatters.

CORBIN: “Nice going!”

Laika: My baaaad...

Kat: And from— red smoke rises out of it, and a little... red magma demon comes out, it’s a—what do you call it— a mephit!

Noel: What?

Kat: A mephit!

Noel: How small?

Kaitlin: What?!

Kat: It is roughly the size of a… min pin.

Noel: What’s a min pin?

Sophia: It’s a dog!

Kat:  A Miniature Pinscher! It’s really tiny!

Kaitlin: You dog ignorant fool.

[Laughter]

Kat: It’s roughly the size of two basketballs stacked on top of each other. It is not that shape, but that is just roughly the size. 

[Laughter]

Kat: It looks like a little— a little [saying “devil” like a child with a lisp] devil, you know? So a little devil, made of magma.

Noel: Okay.

Sophia: I’m gonna try to charm this guy, I’m gonna use my Charisma. 

Kat: Okay.

Sophia: I’ll go and say: “hey, what’s up?” Uh, it’s a fifteen plus five, so that’s twenty.

Kat: [Dice rolling]... Roll for Initiative.

Noel, Sophia and Kaitlin: Awwww!

[INTERLUDE MUSIC Guardian Theme (festival of Lights)]

Noel: Hi there! I hope you’re enjoying the podcast so far. This is Noel, and I usually play Fra’Nika, but right now I’m playing your heartstrings. Like a fiddle. 

I just wanted to introduce this part of the podcast, which will be an interlude section where we’ll update you on what’s going on, maybe respond to questions and comments. If you want to send in any of those, you can go to our website, our Facebook, or our Twitter. We also have Patreon! For all those links and more, please visit our website at damesanddragons.com. 

As we already mentioned, this is the first time any of us have attempted podcasting! So we ask for your patience and understanding as we figure out how to do that through a lot of trial, and a LOT of error! Particularly, I wanna ask for patience and advice about sound engineering and sound editing. I do all of the music and editing, and I’m learning most of it on the fly from Google. We record a lot of episodes in advance, so any tips you might have won’t be applied for a while, but I pray that you will still give them. 

All that being said, we’re so excited about this project, and we’re gonna work really hard to improve quickly, for your listening enjoyment. Umm, there’s one more thing I’d like to do during this interlude? You guys, I’m kinda worried about something.

Kat: What are you worried about?

Noel: Hmm, I’m worried that our friend Chantel is not gonna listen to this podcast.

Kat: Oh my God.

Sophia: Ooooh noooo.

Kaitlin: Chantel!

Noel: So, I think that the only way that our friend Chantel is gonna listen to this podcast is if we embed a message into every episode for Chantel

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Oh yeah! I’m down, I’m down, I’m down.

Kat: Chantel! Chantel! The code word is: ...robins.

Sophia: The sleeper agent has been triggered.

Kat: [clap] … Okay, back to DND!

[Guardian Theme (festival of Lights) plays]

Kat: Soooo… we are— you guys are fighting a magma… mephit! Which, as I said, is about the SIZE of two basketballs stacked on top of each other, and does not LOOK like two basketballs stacked on top of each other! 

Noel: [Whispering] Basketball demon.

Sophia: Two basketballs, I got it.

Kaitlin: I saw a picture, and it does look like two basketballs.

Kat: It does not! I showed you the picture! It looks like a little pointy devil made of magma!

Sophia: This guy’s name is Hoops. And he’s an aspiring star… and I also saw him in High School Musical.

[Laughter]

Sophia: I recognize him.

Noel: What team?

Kat: WILDCATS! Sophia, you go first. 

Sophia: Okay! So my Charm… my Charisma… did nothing?

Kat: No, did nothing, did nothing.

Sophia: Luckily, I have resistance to fire damage, so he’s definitely like ‘I’m gonna attack you,’ right? That’s his vibe?

Kat: Um-hmm.

Sophia: Alright, so, I guess that in that case, I’m just gonna swing my sword at him, I’m probably close cause I just dropped that glass thing, right?

Kat: Yeah.

Sophia: [Dice rolling] So I got a twelve plus four, so that’s eighteen, does that hit?

Kat: Yes, except… It hits, and your sword bounces off of him!

Sophia: Whaaat… It’s those basketballs.

[Noel laughing]

Kat: Hmm-hmm.

Noel: They’re so bouncy!

Sophia: Yeah, they’re resistant to swords.

Kat: Alright, Noel, it’s you next. 

Noel: Alright… umm, so I’m… gonna try to do a magic attack! On this, this little friend! I’m gonna do the spell Chromatic Orb.

Kat: What does that do?

Noel: It— I hurl a four inch diameter sphere of energy, which— he came from an orb, so this is really fitting for him, this is gonna be like going home— umm, at a creature that I can see within range, I can choose acid, cold, fire, lightning, poison or thunder. The creature takes 3d8 damage if… whatever.

Kat: Okay, roll to hit.

Noel: Okie dokie [dice rolling, wheezing]. I’ve critical failed! 

[Laughter, a soft ‘oh no’ from Sophia]

Kat: So you, um, you attempt to make an orb of light, a chromatic orb, and you get it— it looks really freakin’ cool, then it just sort of fizzles out. 

Fran: [Grunts in frustration] I told you guys that I’m really tired, so… [laughs nervously]... Maybe you guys should handle this one! 

Kat: Alright, so now it is the mephit’s turn, and it is gonna attack you, Noel! It saw your failure and saw an opportunity to attack.

Sophia: Nice.

Kaitlin: … Nice?

Kat: Oh, but it does not hit, I assume a five- a five plus…

Noel: I’m a wizard. I have very low armor class, but that does not hit.

Kat: Okay, so now it’s you Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Okay, alright, I’m gonna pop this b-ball. Um, I got a spear on me, so uh, I’m not gonna throw it, I’m just kinda going to like, [Kaitlin makes a stabbing noise]— like I jab it? Into the basketball.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: So… let’s do it. [Dice rolling] Uh, I have an— eighteen.

Kat: Um, okay, it hits, but again, it just bounces right on off!

Kaitlin: God!

Noel: Why didn’t you use a spell though?

Kaitlin: I wanted to pop the b-ball!

[Laughter] 

Kat: I would encourage you guys to take a look at your surroundings. 

Sophia: Okay, so do a check? 

Kat: Yeah, if you want. Or, I mean you can just ask me. 

Sophia: Alright, what’s up. 

Kat: I will re-describe the room to you guys because I feel like we went away for our interlude and then uh, you don’t remember what’s going on? 

[Noises of agreement from everyone]

Sophia: Four orbs…

Kat: Yes, um, the floor is tiled with red, black, brown and white tiles. There are four pedestals, each with a glass orb on top; one is red, one is black, one is brown, one is white. You just broke the red orb and a magma mephit has appeared.

Sophia: … Should we break the other ones?

[Short pause, some low mumbling]

Noel: … Yes!

Kaitlin, in her CORBIN voice: Throw the white one at it!

Sophia: Are you gonna do it?

Kat & Kaitlin: It’s your turn.

Sophia: Alright, I throw the white one at it. I think this is a bad idea, but why— why not?

Kat: Alright! It shatters and an ice mephit comes out. 

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Kat: Okay, and it’s in the Initiative as well! 

Noel: Oh geez.

Sophia: That… didn’t work. Any suggestions, you guys?

Noel: What else is in the room other than the orbs?

Kat: There is the pedestals— 

Noel: Yes.

Kat: and the room is tiled.

Sophia: There is nothing else on the pedestals?

Kat: Just the orbs. 

Sophia: Okay. 

Noel: Should we break the other two and put them all in the tiles they—

Sophia: I feel like, yeah. 

Noel: —go with?

Sophia: Yeah. This could be a very bad—

Kaitlin: Should we break them?

Sophia: Kat. What does your smile mean?

[Laughter]

Kat: [suspiciously happy] That I’m… having a great time with my best buds! 

Kaitlin: Okay… I think that we should not break any more basketball orbs. 

[Noel laughing]

Kat: So now it’s your turn again, Kaitlin. 

Kaitlin: I just… touch it with my spear again.

Kat: Okay! 

Sophia: Touch it?

Kat: Just, b-ba-baby taps?

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I tap it, no, I try to puncture its, its uh—

Sophia: Just attack the red guy, Kaitlin!

Kaitlin: That’s what I’m doing! I—

Sophia: By touching it with your spear? [laughter] You gotta ‘stab’.  

Kaitlin: It was— it was a figure of speech! 

Kat: Verbs! Matter! Kaitlin! Verbs! Matter!

Kaitlin: I want to PUNCTURE it with my spear. 

Kat: Roll to hit. 

Kaitlin: To try and pop it. 

Noel: Are you against the word ‘attack’?

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: No, I just like to keep my options open, and I would like to feel not 

quite so judged? 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Yeah, I rolled a twenty-two. eighteen plus—

Kat: Yeah, that, that doesn’t seem to do anything. 

Noel: Am I next? Can I break open another one?

Kat: Yeah. Alright, which one do you break open? 

Noel: The black one. Is that one of them?

Kat: Yes! Um, a mud mephit comes out! And it’s mad that you broke it out of 

its cozy shell, Noel. It’s going to attack you. [Dice rolling]. Uh, that doesn’t hit.

Noel: Alright, well.

Kat: Now it’s the ice mephit’s turn.

Kaitlin: How is it that you have the lowest armor class and you haven’t been hit?

Kat and Noel: It’s just luck.

Kat: Yeah. The ice mephit is currently engaged with Sophie. It’s gonna attack you again, got a nineteen. Its attacks… spouts… uselessly off of your thick armor.

Sophia: I’m covered in Teen Wolf. 

Kat: Yeah. So now it is the magma mephit… So that one still attacks you cause you’re the closest [dice rolling], but still doesn’t hit, so. Kaitlin, its your turn now.

Kaitlin: Ooooh.

Sophia: I think you should break the other orb.

Kaitlin: IIIIII… suppose I’ll break the brown orb.

Noel: On a brown tile.

Kaitlin: Yes.

Kat: Okay. You break open the brown orb and a dust mephit appears!

Kaitlin: Dust?

Sophia: I sneeze, ‘cause I have allergies.

[Kat laughs softly]

Kat: Okay. 

Kaitlin: They all are in the right colored tiles?

Kat: They are.

Sophia: Nothing’s happening?

Noel: [grunts]

Kat: Nothing’s happened!

Noel: Sorry, guys…

Sophia: [quietly] There’s a… there’s a riddle here.

[Laughter]

Sophia: There’s a puzzle!

Kaitlin: What colored tile am I standing on?

Kat: You’re standing on a brown tile.

Sophia: [Laughing] Maybe we should all stand on the pedestals.

Sophia: So I’m on a white tile next to a red tile?

Kat: Hmm-hmm. With a magma mephit and the ice mephit next to you, 

attacking you.

Sophia: So I’m gonna hit the red guy while staying on the white tile. Just to see.

Kat: Okay! Roll to hit.

Sophia: Unless you guys… [Dice rolling] Alright, that’s eight plus four. 

Kat: Yeah, that does hit. Roll damage.

Sophia: five plus five… Plus two, so twelve.

Kat: Alright! That hits it. 

[adfkjsdkfjsdf STARTS PLAYING, low beats that raises suspense]

Kaitlin: Alright, how does he look?

Kat: He looks actually pretty bad! He’s very stunned that it hit and it’s looking pretty icy now!

Noel: So you— you were standing on a white tile?

Sophia: I was standing on a white tile when I hit the red guy.

Noel: Okay. Well sorry I made you break them all open.

[Laughter]

Sophia: [Laughing] No, it’s cool! Now we know. 

Kat: Alright, soooo it is… Noel’s turn now. 

Noel: I’m on a black tile?

Kat: Hmm-hmm.

Noel: So I’m on mud?

Sophia: You’re on mud. 

Noel: What was the other one? It was…

Sophia and Kat: Dust.

Sophia: So I guess mud versus dust. 

Noel: Alright, so I’m gonna use Shocking Grasp, which is basically um, the spell version of like those buzzers from like, old TV shows. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: Jesus.

Kat: [Laughing] Okay, alright! Roll to hit!

Noel: Okay.

Kat: Roll to see if you can grab around those little— little basketball neck.

Noel: [Dice rolling] I got a four plus, like, six. So that’s ten.

Kat: Nooo, that doesn’t— that doesn’t quite do it.

Noel: Alright, well. I tried.

Kat: You did your best. You are unhittable, but also can’t hit for shit! So now it is the ice mephit aaaand ice mephit is still pissed at Sophie, so goin’ after— buuut misses! And mud mephit hits, and it’s gonna do four damage.

Noel: And that hits… that hits Fra’Nika for four damage?

Kat: Yep. 

Noel: …Well, you guys.

[Soft laughter]

Noel: I’ve been hit.

Kat: Okay, and now it’s the dust mephit’s turn. It gives a lil’ cackle. A lil’ cackle at you, Noel. Umm, but it is gonna charge Corbin, cause that’s the one who let him out of its lil’—

Kaitlin: I released you, animal!

Kat: Uh, that’s an eleven, does that hit? 

Kaitlin: Uhh.. no!

Kat: Okay, you’re fine. 

Kaitlin: Umm, the— the flame one is the one you hit, right Sophie?

Sophie: Yeah, but I’m standing on a white tile, so.

Kaitlin: Yeah, I am doing that, I move to a white tile. Um, and I cast Moonbeam. So uh, Moonbeam is a Level Two spell, and uh, it basically I cast it and a beam of pale light shines down in a five-foot radius, and any creature that is inside the beam when it’s cast or— and I can also move the beam around all the time, cool. It has to make a Constitution saving throw and if it fails it takes 2d10 damage and if it, uh, does not fail, it uh, takes, I guess, 1d10 damage. 

Kat: [Dice rolling] Yeah, it’s not gonna do it. It’s eighteen.

Kaitlin: Okay, cool, so I get to roll 2d10 damage. It’s gonna knock ya… knock 

ya out. [Quietly] Is this— is this a d10?

Kat: No…

Noel: No.

Sophia: Girl.

Kaitlin: [Dice rolling] Four plus… uh, seven. 

Kat: For damage?

Kaitlin: Yeah. 

Kat: Yeah, it’s deaaad. It’s super dead. 

Kaitlin: Suck it. 

Sophia, [very quietly]: Yaaaaay. We did it… 

Kat: I’m gonna have you all make a Dexterity saving throw. 

Sophia: Awww. 

Noel: Baby’s first kill.

Kaitlin: Thank you! Thank you.

[Dice rolling]

Sophia: That’s a seventeen.

Noel: I got a fifteen.

Kaitlin: I got a seven.

Kat: Ah, you two are able to jump clear as the mephit explodes into flame. And Corbin, you are going to take… [do doo do doot] one damage. 

Kaitlin: Noice, that’s not actually that bad. 

Kat: No. Good job, you killed it!

[Quiet cheers]

Kat: Alright, so it’s back up to Sophia.

Noel: Only three more.

Sophia: Okay, so, I’m gonna move to a red tile, and attack that ice... muppet?

Kat: Mephit. Mephit!

[adfkjsdkfjsdf fades out]

[Laughter]

Sophia: Alright, so let me swing that greatsword at this dude. [dice rolling] We got a fifteen— 

Kat: That hits. 

Sophia: —plus four. Great... So—

Kat: Ha, it’s a Great. Sword.

Sophia: Haha.

Kaitlin: [Fake, sad laughter]. I’d like to leave the podcast.

[Laughter]

Sophia: So that’s a [dice rolling] six. [Dice rolling] And that’s a six. Plus two— that’s fourteen damage. 

Kat: Okay. It does not look well. It looks poorly, one might say, and a little bit melted. 

Sophia: Okay, nice. 

Kat: Okay, so… let’s see. Now, it is the mud mephit’s turn. Mud mephit was 

all up on Noel, and it’s still all up on Noel. [Dice rolling].

Noel, in a deep voice: Get all up on me.

[Laughter] 

Kat: It missed, though. It missed and, and— it flees from your weird voice. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Ah, ice mephit next. Goes after Sophia… [Dice rolling] Does not hit. 

Sophia, quietly in the background: Achoo!

Kat: And dust mephit goes after Corbin, [dice rolling] eight does not hit you. Alright. And now it is… Kaitlin’s turn.

Kaitlin: Sweet. Were you standing on ah, a red tile before you did that ice one?

Sophia: Girl, you know.

Kaitlin: Okay, I just don’t hear anything so, I’m just going to walk calmly to a red tile. 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Please don’t laugh at my actions. 

Fran: Are you feeling the heat, Corbin?

CORBIN: I feel nothing. 

[Laughter]

Fran: Corbin Bleu, like, what happened?

Laika: Corbin, are you alright? 

CORBIN: I feel nothing. 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: So I’m walking calmly—

Laika: Fra’Nika, we should check up on Corbin later.

Fran: Actually, my name is— is Fran. I go by Fran, I know it’s Fra’Nika, but, uh, it’s spelled F-R-A-apostrophe-capital N. Just like Fra’n Drescher! 

Kaitlin: [Laughs]. Like… just like what?

Fran: Fran DRESCHER! 

Laika: I hope we can be best Frans! 

Fran: …Corbin, what’s up?

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I walk calmly to a red tile. And um, then I move my little Moonbeam. To uh, the ice… uh moppet.

Kat: Mephit. 

Kaitlin: That’s what I said. 

Sophia: No it’s uh, it’s muppet. Actually. So. 

Noel: It’s moffer. 

Kaitlin: I, I actually said mappet? So.

Noel: It’s marble. 

Kat: Just make your god damn attack.

Kaitlin: [Dice rolling] Oh wait, I don’t even have to roll.

Kat: Oh yeah, I have to make a Constitution throw. [Dice rolling] Uhh, that’s… eleven… That’s not it. 

Kaitlin: No, I’m fourteen so. You failed. 

Kat: Okay. I failed— it’s dead. 

Kaitlin: Okay! 

[Laughter]

Kat: I—

Noel: Not today, marble. 

Kaitlin: Baby’s second kill. 

Kat: Baby’s second kill, good joooob! So, oh, I’m gonna have to have you all make Dexterity saving throws again! 

Sophia: Oh-kay. That’s a five. 

Noel: nine.

Kaitlin: I got an eighteen.

Kat: Okay, so this time, you were ready! You knew what’s coming! 

Kaitlin: I expected it. 

Kat: Oh, yes, Corbin, you knew it was coming. Um, but, the other two, you guys are each gonna take… four damage. 

Sophia: Alright, I’m at… six health. So...

Noel: Kat do you wanna… do your job and heal somebody?

[Laughter]

Noel: Corbin?!

Kaitlin: Umm, excuse me, I happen to know that Laika has, uh, her own—

Sophia: I’ll lay my hands on myself. 

Kat: Okay, well, it is your turn.

Sophia: I’m gonna lay my hands on myself. I heal fifteen points of damage. 

Noel: How do those hands feel? 

Sophia: They feel… just like very moisturized, they’re very soft. Tender.

Noel: What part of yourself did you lay them on?

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Sophia: I can’t… speak to that. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright, and now Kaitlin. Corbin, back to you.

Kaitlin: Oh, hey, our names even sound similar.

Kat: Do they?

Kaitlin: What? Kaitlin-Corbinish. I don’t know. 

Noel: Your voices sound similar too.

Kaitlin: Please don’t judge me. [in Corbin’s voice now]: Please don’t judge me, Noel! 

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Um, I’m gonna- I’m gonna get on a black tile, and try to hit that, that little dusty, I’m gonna try to sweep them up. But with a spear! And by, um...

Kat: … You stab it! You freakin’ stab it! 

Kaitlin: Yeah! Yeah, I stab it! I stab it with my spear.

Noel: Oh my god. 

Kat: Did you not remember the word ‘stab’?

Kaitlin: I was trying to think of a colorful alternative, Kat!

Sophia, in a sultry voice: Gently caresses it. With the spear. 

Kaitlin: I brush it like a, like a horse’s mane. 

Kat: Just fucking stab the thing. 

Kaitlin: And I rolled a critical failure.

[Laughter]

Noel, teasingly: That’s a one. 

Kat: You gently caress it with your spear. 

Kaitlin: How— is it like, does it enjoy it, is it liking it? Is it a good sensation?

Kat: Yeah, it’s tickled. It’s tickled.

Kaitlin: Cool. 

Kat: It’s all up to you, Laika. 

Sophia: Okay! 

Kat: See if you can actually do something. 

Sophia: So I’m gonna move to a black tile, but not the one that Noel and the mud guy are on. I’m gonna move to one and hit the dust guy. 

Kat: Okay!

Sophia: So… That’s eleven plus four, fifteen.

Kat: That hits! 

Sophia: [Dice rolling] And… that’s… eleven damage?

Kat: Okie dokie! It is looking a little drippy now? It’s looking, a little less ah, a little less dusty, a little more muddy.

Sophia: Moist. 

Kaitlin: Yes!

Kat: A little… moist. 

Sophia: Damp. 

Kat: Okay. Umm, so now Noel, back to you.

Noel: Okay, uh, I’m gonna attack the same one and I’m still on a black tile. 

Kat: Okay! 

Noel: And I’m gonna use Shocking Grasp!

Kat: Try it again, just keep trying to grab this thing.

Noel: I just wanna grasp it firmly. So here I go. 

[Dice rolling]

Noel: … I just—

[LAUGHTER]

Kat: For the listeners at home: that was a three! That was just rolled! 

Noel: Uh, uh, Fran lies down.

[Laughter]

Laika: Fran, just, just take a— take a minute, like, why don’t you just collect yourself? 

CORBIN: Please leave, Fran!

Noel: I close my eyes and like, put my arms over my chest like a corpse.

Kat: Alright, well, the mud mephit is gonna take advantage of that and attack you.

Kaitlin: No!

Noel: It’s fine. I deserve it. 

Kaitlin: Is Fran prone… right now?

[Laughter]

Sophia: Emotionally, yes.

Kat: [Laughing] Emotionally prone. [Dice rolling] That’s a four, it still can’t seem to hit you. You roll out of the way just in time. 

Noel: My sadness overwhelmed it. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright. Um, and then the dust mephit is gonna… go at… Corbin. Oh it’s seventeen!

Kaitlin: Yeah, that… hits me.

Kat: And that is gonna hit you for four damage!

Noel: That gently caresses me!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I’m tickled.

Kat: Alright, Kaitlin, all— all you.

Kaitlin: Okay! Um, what am I doing? Hmm. I wish I knew. Um. The dust… guy is still… alive, right?

Kat: Yeah. He’s looking a little muddy but he’s good.

Kaitlin: So, I’m still in that same tile, I’m just gonna, um, do whatever I did before, with my spear, but this time… I’m gonna—

Noel: [Laughing] Can you repeat for us what you do with your spear?

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Um, I, I gently caress—

Noel: [LONG GROAN]

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: The dust. And I specifically like, if you could imagine a horse trainer brushing— I rolled a four.

[LAUGHTER, while mic is audibly being hit]

Kat: You, you go for it again, and again, you just, gentle caress, but this time you even—you gently caress its cheek, in an almost loving way?

[Noel laughing]

Kat: It’s very creeped out.

Kaitlin: I’m getting ah, I’m getting attached.

Kat: Sophia, please, you’re the only effective one in this group!

[Laughter]

Sophia: Hey, I’m just gonna say

Laika: Hey guys, like, I don’t know if you guys— like, you trained for this? Like—

[Laughter]

Laika: — let’s talk about it later!

Noel: I don’t answer ‘cause I’m laying on the ground like a corpse.

[Laughing]

Kaitlin: I’m just really busy petting that one dust guy, so...

Sophia: Okay, so I’m gonna try and hit and do Divine Smite to the mud guy.

Kat: Okay! 

Sophia: I’m gonna move to a brown tile, and attack that guy, let’s see—

[Dice rolling]

Kat: Nope.

Sophia: Nope. I got a three. Yeup.

Fran: Uh, you were saying?

CORBIN: Can you just get us all to do a three-way five right now?

Sophia: We did it. We did it.

[Laughter]

Sophia: We loved it.

Kat: I watched it and it looked a little bit like a prayer circle. I’m running concerned!

Noel: It was a very gentle— one could say it was a gentle caress.

Kat: Noel, just kill it. 

Noel: I’m gonna shock this thing in my grasp if it’s the last thing I ever do!

Kat: [Laughing] This is a cantrip, I assume?

Noel: Oh yeah. It’s a fuckin’ cantrip! Can’t rip it away from me! I’M READY!

[Laughter]

Noel: Alright, here I go! So it’s eleven!

Kat, very quietly: … No.

[Noel YELLS]

[Laughter]

Kat: Just barely, though, you just barely missed.

Noel: I lay back down, like a Dracula into his coffin.

Kat: Alright, well, uh, Dusty’s gonna give you, give you the ol’ razz. The ol’ razz. [Dice rolling] And that’s a, that’s a critical. That is critically hitting you.

Kaitlin: That really is the razzledazzle.

Kat: [Laughing] He’s gonna give you the ol’ razzledazzle for… [dice rolling] for, let’s see, it’s gonna be three, four, five points of damage!

Noel: Okay, somebody needs to heal me, I only have six hit points left.

Kaitlin: I’ll heal you. 

Kat: Alright, now it is uh, Muddy’s turn? Oh, he critically fails. He goes to, to try and attack uh, Fran, and uh, trips over the dust guy, and they kinda end up in a tangled ball. [Noel snickering] And then they both come apart and they’re looking very shocked and upset. 

Noel: I, I stand up, ‘cause that refreshed my joie de vivre.

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright. Alright, Corbin.

Kaitlin: Okaaaaay.

CORBIN: I don’t know what that word means but, I’m going to cast Healing Word. 

Kaitlin: Which is a word I do know what it means. Ah, it is: a creature of my choice that I can see within range, and I look around at Fran, even though we’re not really on good terms. [Noel laughs] And, uh, Fran will regain hit points equal to 1d4 plus my spellcasting modifier. 

Kat: Okay, roll a d4. 

[Dice rolling]

Kaitlin: I got you a three, plus my spellcasting modifier is six, so… you get nine.

Kat: nine. 

Noel: Thank yoooou.

Kat: Alright, and what was the word?

Kaitlin: … Healing.

[Laughter]

Kat: No, no like what was your healing word? Is— You just say ‘healing’?

Kaitlin: Umm……. I cry! Into the night. In an empty room. [Laughter] That’s not empty. I cry ‘Berger-jerger’.

[Soft laughter, the table being hit, someone hits the mic]

Kaitlin: And Berger-jerger comes down, appears—

Noel: No…

Kat: No. [Noel laughs] No, Berger-jerger does not. [Laughing] You just yell your crow’s name and heal— the two actions are not— are not related. You yelling Berger-jerger and Fran being healed are not related.

Kaitlin: They’re more related than you know.

[Noel laughs]

Kat: Anyway. Sophia. Please. Please.

Sophia: I mean, I’m gonna try, but… I can’t promise—

Kat: These things have such a low armor class.

[Laughter]

Sophia: That’s a nine plus four. Does that can hit? 

Kat: Yeah. 

Sophia: Okay, cool.

Kat: God.

Sophia: Okay, so I’m gonna roll for uh, regular damage, and then I guess add Divine Smite damage? [Dice rolling] That’s five plus two, and then, [dice rolling] six, [dice rolling] and four, so that’s sixteen. 

Kat: Sixteen?

Sophia: Yep.

Kat: He… is starting to look real crackly. Real limpy, real dusty. But he’s not dead yet. So, Fran, you got one more chance. 

Sophia: Can I, Can I say, that when I hit him I say: ‘Gingie’.

Kat: [laughs] Yes.

Sophia: That’s what I do when I smite.

Noel: Alright, soooo. And I am. I’m going to cast. [Laughs] This might surprise you — I’m gonna cast Shocking Grasp.

Kaitlin: I am SHOCKED.

Sophia: I’m grasped.

Noel: NATURAL twenty!

[Everyone cheering, clapping]

Noel: YES!

Sophia: You did it. 

Noel: YES! YES! YES!

Kat: Who are you casting it on?

Noel: Um, at the freaking dust thing! Who’s been avoiding— avoiding my 

grasp!

Kat: Okay. Would you like to roll damage?

Noel: Oh, I will, I will. As soon as I figure out how.

[Laughter]

Noel: [Dice rolling] Ah, six. Plus two.

Kat: It’s deaaad.

Noel: That’s eight!

Kat: You all need to make a—

Noel: Will you, will you describe how majestic it was?

Kat: So you grab this dust mephit in your c— hands, as it crackles with lightning, and you see the lightning go inside of it? And you can see it through the dust of the mephit and then it just explodes! And you all need to make a DEX saving throw. 

Noel: [Dice rolling] YEEEEES!

Sophia: That’s a natural twenty.

Kat: Super good.

Kaitlin: I got a… nineteen.

Kat: Great! You all avoid it, so…

Noel: I do a backflip.

[Laughter]

Kat: Yes. You backflip away, perfect, stick the landing, do the ‘Y’, you know, when you land like a gymnast? 

Sophia: I look amazed, cause I didn’t think you could do that? Cause I saw you lying down.

Kaitlin: I do like a really bad somersault, like I never learned how to do a somersault. 

Kat: Alright, so… now there is just the mud mephit. He’s looking pretty ah, pretty bad. Looking a lil’ scared. Looking not super great. Aaaaand… doesn’t, it does not hit Laika.

Sophia: Okay, I’m gonna—

Kat: Wait, it’s Kaitlin’s turn.

Sophia: It’s Corbin’s turn.

Kaitlin: [in horrible crying voice] FINE.

Laika: Corbin, your voice sounds weird. 

CORBIN, sounding completely different: THIS IS HOW I ALWAYS SOUND!

Kat: Just roll your dice. 

Kaitlin: I’m rolling. [Dice rolling] And I get a, uh, twelve.

Kat: Yeah, that hits. 

Kaitlin: Okay, uh, but I did— but before I did that I moved to a corresponding tile! 

[Everyone laughs]

Kat: Which is?

Sophia: Brown.

Kaitlin: Brown! Thank you! Ah-Laika. I… harshly touch it. With my speartip. 

Kat: Ah, yeah, it. It explodes. 

Kaitlin: Cool.

Kat: You hit— it had one hit point. 

Kaitlin: Oh sweet!

Kat: Roll a Dexterity saving throw?

[Dice rolling]

Noel: Twelve.

Kaitlin: Ten.

Sophia: Thirteen.

Kat: Ah, you get hit in the face by some mud! And take two points of damage. 

[OUTRO MUSIC idk idk lmao (Ending Theme) STARTS FADING IN]

Kaitlin: I got a mad mask. It stings!

Kat: Yeah, it’s like when the, uh, Elmer’s Glue type of mask that’s very popular in the internet these days? 

Kaitlin: Oh, I have actually— I literally just watched a Youtube video about that.

Sophia: You rub that on your face?

Kat: Yeah, it’s a really bad idea. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, it’s like charcoal mask, and it’s supposed to like, get rid of your pores? [Laughing] Don’t do it, podcast listeners!

Noel: It gets rid of your pores?!

[Everyone laughs]

Kaitlin: Yeah! It turns you into a poreless monster! No, like, your blackheads that are inside your pores.

Noel: Ew.

Kat: Okay. Well, um, the mud mephit explodes onto your face, Corbin, and also a small silver key sticks to your forehead. 

Everyone: Yaaaay! 

Sophia: We got the key!

Kat: And the um, the door on the right of the room unlocks.

[idk idk lmao (Ending Theme) plays]

Sophia: Alright. [stumbling over words] Let’s all just– We all have AD– Basically, so like let’s just accept that–

[Background laughter]

Kaitlin: Except for Kat!

Kat: I don’t know, I probably do have– [cross talk] undiagnosed. 

Noel: The alternate name for this Podcast was ADHD&Ds.

[Laughter]

Sophia: Before that though it was AD&D’s and then we realized that, that actually stands for Accidental Death and Dismemberment– 

[Laughter]

Sophia: –we decided to pass on that as a Podcast name.

Kaitlin: Hard pass. Hard pass.

Sophia: Also it stands for Advanced D&D.

Kat: And we are not that.

Sophia: We can’t do that.

[idk idk lmao (Ending Theme) ends]