Dating During A Lockdown - Sabrina La Vista

How do you attract the love that you're looking for during a lockdown?

Sabrina La Vista is a dating coach and founder of Love Train Company. We talk about common experiences most daters go through and how you can bring back the fun into dating. She and her husband lead virtual seminars together at Love Train Company.

 Tune in every other Tuesday for a new episode on Heart of Humans. 

1:30: Going from serial monogamist to casting a wide net
5:07: People still having unresolved issues from the past
7:59: Increase in users on dating apps
10:19: Your language creates your reality
12:00: Too much significance on the outcome
15:38: Inspecting what you expect
17:08: Using your dating profile to share expectations
20:45: Love is choosing the whole person
24:07: Look into your dating/relationship patterns

Love Train Company's social media:
www.instagram.com/lovetraincompany
www.facebook.com/lovetraincompany

Transcript

Jen Li  0:01  
The heart of humans podcast explores the secrets to building flourishing relationships. We demystify the elements of desire, trust and love by interviewing conscious lovers and providing reflections to help you create the relationships of your dreams.

Where are people dating during a lockdown? I'm asking you to put your disappointments and frustrations aside for this episode. Sabrina love VISTA is a powerful dating coach who says that there's a juicy love out there for everybody. She is the founder of love train company, leading coaching programs virtually through seminars, intimate group settings, and of course, one on one training. She wastes no time because she says dating is a practice. And that's where you get to work. If anyone has heard all of your modern dating issues and relationship issues, Sabrina levy sta has heard it all. She is empowering people everywhere to take responsibility for their love life in a fun and engaging way. I'm honored to have her with us today to find out how you can attract the love you're looking for during a lockdown.

Sabrina  1:16  
Welcome, Sabrina. Thank you so much, Jen for having me. This is such an honor and privilege. Thank you so much. I'm excited to speak with you today. Let's get into this because I want to hear what your experience is in the dating world. Like what has your experience been like in the dating world? Like, truthfully, I'm married now. And I've been I've been happily married for almost five years. I've been, you know, with my husband for eight years. This is my second marriage. So I was married before. And you know, the marriage didn't go very well. And I saw that part of the reason of why that was was that I was actually a serial monogamist. I went through most of my 20s and my 30s being in very long term relationships. And what I noticed that when my marriage ended, I actually took a good look at like, what happened to have this go this way, I noticed that I actually never really dated, I must have dated maybe three guys, my whole in the span of like, almost 1516 years. Right. And then two of those guys I was in long term relationships with and I stayed there even if the relationships weren't working or weren't fulfilling for either of us. When I actually started to date, I approached dating in a really refreshing way at the end of my marriage when I knew, you know, this marriage isn't working out, I'm ready to leave. I actually said to myself, like what the whole time was missing in this. And the way I looked at relationships, and especially dating and what was missing is that I actually didn't date people. I actually never gave myself permission to meet people get to know them and really find out like what, what Who am I compatible with? What lights me up about other people? What am I actually looking for? Instead of going from relationship to relationship you met more people to see what it is that you like, yeah, I actually looked at how about I actually embrace dating, approach it like it's a playground and date as many people and get to know as many people as possible in like, expand my social circle cast my net wide. And I have to say was like one of the most exciting times of my life I I've met so many interesting men. And I still go back to all the places that I went that I dated, you know, all the cool restaurants and all the cool, like parks that we went on dates on, I still go back to them today. And I remember that that time is being like really exciting for me, getting to know what I wanted in a partner. And eventually, like I met my husband that way.

Jen Li  4:09  
I love that. I love that I hear that you are getting to know what you wanted in a partner not so much trying to find the right person, but you were just getting to know yourself and what you wanted. That's right. Yeah, in a way it was like dating myself. I was actually getting to know me and what my you know what my values were, what my preferences were. And it was that that's what actually my approach to it. That's what made it really exciting that it was a playground It was a time to have fun. expand my social circle. And through that, like attitude I had about it. I actually met my husband who I'm married to I met him on basketball comm about eight years ago. Yeah. Congratulations. You guys are a stellar, long example of how a religion

Sabrina  5:00  
Chip can look like when you are laying it down honestly, with yourself on what it is that you want. So what inspired you, though, to create your own dating program? That's what I'd like to know. Yeah, that's a really good question. So I did a lot like in the last couple of years, I started doing a lot of personal and professional development. And I did a really intense leadership program. And in this program, I noticed there were so many people in this program who are extremely successful, powerful, like intelligent, really irresistible kind of people. And I noticed that they all have something, a lot of them have something in common, they were single, they weren't in relationships. And not like, there's something wrong, if you're not in a relationship, it wasn't anything like that, what I noticed is that many of them really wanted relationships, and were really stopped. They were triggered, when it came to, you know, what it took to be in a relationship, there were a lot of unresolved issues from their past. And I just said to myself, you know, I, I'm really, I'm really committed to doing something about this, I really want to make a change, and shift something for people in this space. And so, at first I thought, I'm going to create an app, I'm going to create the coolest dating up the most original one, you know, and I quickly dropped that idea because I realized, there's lots of dating apps, and still people that aren't actually able to find them. That's not actually what's going on. I spent three months just talking to tons of people. And what I discovered is something really similar and that people are still dealing with, you know, breakups from their past, they're still dealing with unresolved issues to do with relationships from their past that was really stopping them, and a barrier to their future with someone else. And so that's what really inspired me to become a coach to become a love and dating coach and really serve people and help people in this space. And that's where love train company was born. And I actually lead the the, the the coaching with my husband, Gary, we lead seminars together. Great, so you have a male perspective and a female perspective on the dating world. So if you're interested in meeting someone who's dedicated to creating a loving relationship, please do check out Sabrina's love train company program.

Jen Li  7:41  
Now that people have to be physically distanced from each other, and there are fewer places for people to meet.

I've heard people tell me that they struggle to find their ideal partner, or when they think they found their ideal partner. There's more risk to dating. What would you say to people who think it's harder to find the right person during lockdown?

Sabrina  8:06  
Yeah, I mean, it sounds like it. It seems like it's obvious, right? You know, it seems like it's harder now than it was before. Given that, you know, so many people are homebound. We're in lockdown. And we're spending most of our days at home. And the truth is, it's actually never been easier to date.

It's actually a great time to meet someone. Truthfully, there's 270 million people currently on dating apps. There is there is a greater abundance today of people on dating apps and or ever have been before. Just I think the dating app world increased by something like 30 million in the last year alone, which is like astronomical, right? That's huge. So what's actually happening is that people are able to date at home and actually create really rich, juicy, connected conversations with people online that perhaps wasn't necessarily available, available to them before we went in into a lockdown. You know, a lot of the and I'm not gonna lie, like some of the app culture out there is really centered around hookups before it was called Tinder. It was called down, right? I didn't know as in get down

to Yeah, exactly. Okay, down to blank egg down to blank, right.

That's it some some new information for you. So it's like that is that and I'm not saying it's not still part of the dating culture. But given that we're at home now, we're actually more able to focus on the quality of our connections and our conversations and build intimacy and connection that way than we ever have before. And I think you know, what I was alluding to prior

That people still really deal with like an overwhelm around dating or fear around dating or unresolved issues from their past. And so what's really like the right program, the right coach, the right community around you, you can actually find the one that's right for you write and I also want to point to something else, your language really does create your reality. So if you say to yourself, a dating is hard, it's challenging, I can't do it. You teach you automatically actually teach yourself to think that that is true. Right? So I don't think people are always consciously aware of the conversations they're actually having with themselves that make it appear harder than it actually is.

Jen Li  10:48  
Yeah, you're saying about the language we use not just vocally but inside of our heads to redirect?

Sabrina  10:55  
Yeah, like the monologues we have with ourselves. That's right. Yeah, but actually hinder what's possible. Our brains are actually designed to be quite pessimistic and quite negative. But we're, we're designed as humans to be in survival mode and to protect ourselves, even though there's no apparent risk, right? So it takes something it takes practice. This takes training and awareness to actually stop and notice the conversations you're having with yourself.

Jen Li  11:27  
Yeah, yeah, Sabrina saying that there's more time than you think, to meet new people. And that's, and that's something that I also agree with, what a wonderful way to get to know each other, more meaningfully and more intimately. I think no one is pretending that we don't have problems. See, dating isn't always effortless. Maybe some men or women think that the other person has to be, the other person has to be more engaging, or more interesting. And, you know, those things might be true. But you say that dating comes with practice, there's a practice to dating. What do you mean by practice?

Sabrina  12:06  
Yeah, it's a really, this is a really good question. So I think, you know, with my clients and the people that I work with, and what I've been in conversation with so many people, what I often see is people have they approach dating with the end in mind, they approach dating, like I have to be in a relationship, or I have to get somewhere there's an outcome, like marriage, it has to lead somewhere, right? And so when you look at it from that respect, it actually adds a lot of weight and significance to dating. It makes it very heavy. Like, if you have an outcome like that, you just imagine you're on a first date with someone and you're speaking to him or her. And it's like, your brain is going a million miles an hour thinking, is he the one? Are we getting married soon? Are we gonna move in now, like you're constantly in a conversation with yourself, you're not actually focused on the person, and you're actually focused with an outcome. But may that's not necessarily realistic, right. So it's great to have an intention of one of being in a relationship where you are completely, like, able to have the desire to be in a relationship, I applaud you that you want that for yourself, it's great that you do, but just notice how it adds so much significance and weight to the dating process. And I use the term dating process, because it's a game dating is like a game. And if you approach dating, like a game, you can practice at playing a game until you get really good at it. Right? It's kind of like playing a sport, you're not going to be great at it at first, it's going to take multiple times for you like hitting the ball for you to actually get better at it and master it. So if you approach dating, like it's a practice, and you approach it like my intention is to make as many connections as possible. I'm going to meet as many people as I can. I'm going to put myself out there, I'm going to get to know as many interesting guys as possible. It really takes away the weight of is this person right for me? Am I going to marry this person? It turns the whole process of dating into something fun, and that's what I mean by like approaching dating like practice.

Jen Li  14:34  
Yeah, yeah. It seems like that would take the edge off. Do you think it would overwhelm or confuse people if they started seeing too many people?

Sabrina  14:42  
Yeah, right. I mean, how many people is too many people, you will meet lots of people and only see them for one time. But chances are you're going to meet a finite number of people every week, right? But idea is to again like practice, practice, practice, start You know, connecting to people on up, send them a like, you know, send them a little message, move on to text, move them on to video and actually start engaging in that process very, very quickly. And you'll notice, by the time you actually go on a date, there's far less people that you're actually on a one on one date with. And there were in the beginning of the process, when you were texting and messaging, it might seem overwhelming at first, but the process is to actually get through as many of those smaller conversations to actually get to actually meet someone in person.

Jen Li  15:38  
When you say practice, does it also mean? Does it mean to practice letting go of holding on to that outcome? It's the practice of letting go

Sabrina  15:49  
Yeah, like that. That's really beautiful, what you just created there, the letting go of an expectation that you have that the date must go somewhere, or that there's like an outcome that has to be achieved in that moment with that person that you're on a date on a date with? That's a huge practice, right? The practice of really examining what your expectations are, I call it like, inspect what you expect, right? Well, I'll

Jen Li  16:17  
say that again,

Sabrina  16:19  
inspect what you expect, right? inspect what

Jen Li  16:22  
you expect.

Sabrina  16:24  
Yeah. Expectations are in your mind. They're not something that you actually reveal to someone else. And you often don't know that you have expectations, right? Like if you expect someone to pick you up for dinner, for example. And you have that expectation that they should do that what often occurs when they don't do what you expect them to do get disappointed. But on the other side of expectation is disappointment and find a practice of dating, you actually learn to say what it is that you expect, right? an expectation ceases to be one when you actually tell people and make requests of them and ask them what you're looking for. Hmm.

Jen Li  17:08  
Okay, okay. I'm really interested what you what your view is on sharing expectations? Yeah. When do you think it is considered at the appropriate time to share expectations with someone that you're dating?

Sabrina  17:25  
Depends on what it is that you that you what expectation you want to share with them. But you know, I always coach the the women that I speak to, to tell people right away that they're actually looking for a committed relationship, or they're looking, I often say, I'm looking for the right person, in fact, put it on your dating profile, no point in beating around the bush. Right? I've coached women I have been in on and off relationships for 678 months, where they were unwilling to actually voice that for fear that the guy would, you know, leave them or they would break up with them. And all of that, you know, is sort of unnecessary. It just creates so much drama and so much stress. And it actually keeps you from actually being in a relationship with someone that would want to be with you as you are, and be committed to you. So I think the actually saying to the person that you're that you're dating either casually or that you want a committed relationship, that's the desire you have, and it's something that you're looking for is something to say like, right off the top and not later.

Jen Li  18:37  
Yeah, if you say it right off the top, then it saves both of you. At least that's how I see it says both of us time in finding what we're ideally looking for. And this goes for men and women.

Sabrina  18:51  
Absolutely. Yeah. And and for men, you know, I'm just on a side note, I'm coaching some men right now that don't want a committed relationship. They actually want to date multiple women and they want to explore well

Jen Li  19:06  
hold up during your programs, and they're looking ups,

Sabrina  19:11  
not not necessarily hookup, but they are looking to like meet multiple women, right they can meet they are out there to kind of see and explore different possibilities in relationships and like, Sure, why not hook up, right? I'm not adverse to someone being or wanting to hook up. What I don't think works is when you're not straight about that, when you're not actually straight about what it is that you're looking for, whether it be a committed relationship or whether you want like a fling with someone. Either way, I really like strong person that's committed to themselves and committed to being an authentic communication would actually say that. So people can just be like, straight about what you want. And whatever comes back to you, you can handle that in the moment powerful

Jen Li  20:01  
Yeah, I don't know why it's been my experience that men have more trouble saying that screen that they want to hook up. I don't know why that is because I think women are more forthright about it. Yeah. I don't know that there's definitely a cultural thing going on. But men, just just say what you want to say. It's so much easier.

Sabrina  20:27  
Lots and lots of strife for sure.

Jen Li  20:31  
Yeah, see, I've been I've been confused about dating before. Not knowing if a person was right for me. And sometimes I would know right away. And other times, I'd be two dates in before it reveals itself. How long will someone have to date a person before they know that someone is right for them? What's your opinion on that?

Sabrina  20:54  
Yeah, I think this is a really a really common conundrum and challenge that people find themselves in. And there's a couple of reasons for that. One is, I think what happens is we're conditioned to date one person at a time. So there's especially a paradigm that women are born into are inherited in that, you know, good girls only date one man at a time. And I actually think that that is a really outdated way to approach dating, as

Jen Li  21:31  
expected, it's expected of us,

Sabrina  21:33  
it is expected and it's kind of imbedded in shame, right? And guilt. And, and it's all about women being seen as like a good girl, good girls only date one man at a time, you know, and I think there's nothing inherently wrong with dating one person at a time. But what it does is, it makes you very micro focused on the person in front of you. And you start naturally just treating that person, like they're the only person on the planet, and you don't have any other options or possibilities, right. And so you start looking at them, and they suddenly start fitting into an image or a picture of how you think they should be versus how they really are. And the the kind of challenge of that is you start you start seeing red flags, because you've become so focused on like, this, is it and they're the one. Yeah, and so the other the other part about what you're saying is how long do you have to date a person before you, you know, them? That's not a question that really ever has a straightforward answer, right? Like two weeks, two months, two years. You know, the reason why is because people are always changing, you know, people are evolving, they're shifting, we never actually do stay the same. You know, I would assert, you know, the way you thought you were like two three years ago is not the same being that you are right now, right. And so that's actually the beautiful thing about getting to know someone is that people are always evolving, and they're changing over time. So with that in mind, like, love is a choice. And it's not something that you have, it's not like a destination to get to with someone. Love is something that you give you give someone willingly from your heart over time. And when you choose someone, you choose all of them. You choose their fault. You choose their quirks, their beauty, the messiness, all of them the way they are and the way they are not. And you choose the whole person. Yeah. And then they go all in.

Jen Li  23:43  
Yeah, I like that. Some people, I find struggle with that. And, and I think they stick around, here's the thing, I see them stick around, almost as if they're wishing that a sign is gonna fall, or like some something's gonna happen. And they're just sitting there waiting for that sign. Do you think this comes from a fear of commitment? Or a lack of knowing what we're looking for?

Sabrina  24:13  
Yeah, that's really That's a really great question. I think a little bit of both. But I think if you really take a look, and you took a look at your past relationships, you would probably discover a pattern, and which if you fell in, well, I'm not sure if this is the right person, and I'll kind of keep them at arm's length, and I'll kind of keep my options open. You may you may notice that that was something that came up in the past. So it's kind of rare that it comes up with just one person. Everyone kind of has like a dating pattern that they're not aware of that's in their blind spot, right. And one of them for sure is like a grass is greener out there or there's like a plastic like fear of commit And it's common for people and it's often rooted in something to do with their childhood, something to do with maybe the relationship they have with their mom or their dad, or both of them. And, you know, through coaching. In some cases, even through therapy, you can actually discover that and overcome that.

Jen Li  25:19  
Yeah. Because that may always be there. And that may exist from relationship to dating, relationship to the next. And we don't know how long that can sit in there for more for you realize that it may be something that's holding you back. And I think that's a great answer. I think it's a great answer to look back into your past and see how your relationships unfolded, and what patterns existed when you were dating. I really just want to thank you for how rich this conversation has been for people who are dating during a lockdown. And I don't want you to give up hope, because Sabrina love the stuff is here and we're here for you. I hope that you stay tuned in for more episodes, and please check out her program. Sabrina, share your website with them and where they can find you.

Sabrina  26:16  
Yeah, the best place to find me is on Instagram and Facebook at love true love train company is where you'll find me and really excitingly I have a relationship seminar that I'm going to be launching in mid, mid April. So if you're interested in finding out more about it, you can email me at hello at love train.co to true.

Jen Li  26:42  
Oh my god, that's so cheesy. Cheesy. Thank you so much for joining us, Sabrina. Take care.

Sabrina  26:49  
Welcome. Thank you. Bye