Jen Li 0:01
The heart of humans podcast explores the secrets to building flourishing relationships. We demystify the elements of desire, trust and love by interviewing conscious lovers and providing reflections to help you create the relationships of your dreams.
My guest today is someone who I've had the incredible opportunity to get to know as a friend. Her name is Jennifer Dang, and she quite possibly, also gives the best hugs on Earth. She's a powerful guide to help you own your true self. She's someone who's always willing to ask difficult questions. Her warmth and sincerity are the glue that holds everyone together in the big room. She's supporting lovers making the biggest commitment of their lives being in the wedding industry for almost two decades, as the owner of two successful Toronto bridal boutiques, Ferris boza, and Elizabeth and Bo, and she is a bridal expert for the Maryland Dennis show. Meanwhile, she and her partner are passionate about creating a conscious relationship that inspires. This year, I watched her get engaged to the love of her life. And I'm excited to dive into this conversation to learn more about how we can create the relationship of our dreams.
Jen Dang 1:25
Oh my god, Jen, that was an amazing intro. Like it felt way more like my true representation than any other intro I've gotten. So thank you for that was super warm.
Jen Li 1:41
Oh, thank you. Well, it's well deserved. Because you know what, what I've really gotten from you is is even in the small instances of of your thoughtfulness you really do help myself and people own up to their true self. And I really appreciate you for that. You've been in a high performing relationships for over two years with another entrepreneur and you're now engaged. Yeah. You said yes. So it's a big commitment. And Mike might kill me. But aren't you wondering if there's someone else better for you out there?
Unknown Speaker 2:18
Oh, God,
Jen Dang 2:20
I can answer this question with so much confidence that you know what, it's funny because I'm, I'm in the wedding industry. And I get this comment all the time, in the sense where what if I find something better, and this can go in so many different aspects of our lives. But you know, clothing aside, when it comes to how I feel about Mike and how I knew instantly, that I wouldn't say instantly, but as definitely, with a lot of certainty compared to the rest of my other relationships. I do feel like like, the 30 years of my life leading up to meeting Mike had prepared me for this man. And it was everything from knowing how to love him, and knowing how to receive love from him, and being super appreciative of things that maybe I wouldn't have been appreciative of before. And so, you know, a, in short, it really took 30 years for me to know that he was right.
Jen Li 3:20
That's very humble of you. How did you know how to love and appreciate him in this relationship,
Jen Dang 3:30
I feel like in all of my relationships, not just with my but all of my relationships, that the experience that I have through that is my ultimate mirror. It's like, it's the space that drives me to grow. That's the space that allows me to understand myself more. And that has really been, you know, whether it's a struggle or reward has led to the development of who I am. And I think that that is the, the source or the ID that is fed by relationships, you know, and, and being able to recognize that, you know, the heart and the great that comes from relationship is ultimately your mirror, right? You get to see yourself through that. And you and you really, you can't really do that alone. You can't do that with yourself. You can read a ton of books or whatever, but this is where the practice comes in. You know, and, and I think when you find the right relationships, you can really have a mirror that is both loving that is both challenging, that is, you know, thought provoking and pushes you to really, you know, not Step settle for the status quo. At least that's how I see it.
Jen Li 5:04
Why didn't you know you wanted to date another entrepreneur being one yourself,
Jen Dang 5:09
I want to just process I think of entrepreneur, as someone who has a bit more of a risk taker, that isn't always searching for stability, but rather are searching for some sort of drive or passion. And, you know, I think there's a level of not wanting to settle for the status quo that an entrepreneur has. And this, I just want to preface that first as to what I define as entrepreneur. You know, I also have a very high standard for myself, and my willingness to or my desire to continue to grow. And I look for that in a partner. And I just find that when I think of an entrepreneur, that is what I think of so I just wanted to relate the two because you might not necessarily be doing your own business, but if you cover those aspects, that's really what I was looking for. And I remember dating someone that was very, very much a homebody was really into taking care of me and, and almost treated me like a queen. I also, I almost felt like I was given too much, I needed almost a little bit of boundaries. And I wanted someone that was wanting to take on more of a challenge in I think business and career that I did. And that was really something that I felt aligned with after having dated someone that wasn't wanting that. I think on top of that, too, you know, we both have the same tolerance for risk have always felt like I could relate to someone and understand someone that was was, you know, either having a hard time in their business, or having a lot of success both comes with challenges. And to me, that doesn't faze me. And I remember being able to relate and understand that. And then my partner feeling very understood. And I love that aspect.
Jen Li 7:12
It's amazing. So you're attracted to driven passionate people, because you're one yourself like, you are in a high performing relationship? Has it ever worked against you in being in one? And and what have you done to reconcile that?
Jen Dang 7:31
You know, there's always a risk in where the time is spent and what our priorities are. And, you know, this is a conversation that Mike and I have that sometimes that work could shift in higher priority than our relationship, and we're really conscious of not letting that be a long period of time. And, you know, I think that's something that I can be very understanding and because I'm also an entrepreneur, and I have my own business, and but yeah, it can be really hard when you've got too driven people that highly prioritize their business. And you know, it's funny when when, when either of us sees each other working, and the other person is resting, we would get more anxious about not working, then the rusting. And so we would, we would almost get jealous over Oh, my God, you get to work, I want to work. And that can be I think that can be unhealthy in long periods of time, and we're very conscious of that. But that definitely is something that we try to pay attention to.
Jen Li 8:36
Yeah, tell me, tell me more about that. How do you check in with yourself when you have that period where your business or his business takes more of a priority than the relationship? Like you said, there's some leeway, where you both understand that that might be the case? How do you recognize when that happens,
Jen Dang 8:56
um, Mike and I talk a lot. We love talking. And we actually miss it when we don't have an opportunity to talk. And we have, you know, our evenings that we chat, but then we also have very structured time where we chat with each other. So we do I know this might sound weird, but we actually love it is we do relationship check ins. And we do it once a week and once a month. And our weekly check ins are to see, you know, how is your week? And you know, and how, yeah, there's a couple of different areas that we cover in our weekly and it's really just having an opportunity where we can have a recap of how our week was what was our highlight? What are some areas that made us feel really loved and it's a very positive conversation. But it also gives us an opportunity to talk about if there's anything that we want to clear with each other. And so you know, if we had something that I think in our what it's actually written is like what what's one thing that We could do better, right? And, and so it has is really constructively think about, okay, how could something been done different? And can we suggest a better way to do it. And so this is an opportunity for us to not only share how our week is going, but also talk about if there's anything that we found challenging that we would like to work through. And then we have like monthly relationship. relationship, scorecards is what we call them. And there's, there's a list of things that I've, I value in our, my relationship with him, and there's values that he has in my, his relationship with me. And we're both clear and what those things are. And we will, I guess, kind of score each other on it. And it's done in a very positive and loving manner. But it is a space where we think really constructively about what's really important to me, what would I love you to do more of? And then what what's one thing that you can do differently. And that's something that we go over once a month. And we found it really connecting, we actually, like look forward to doing it, it ends up being a very, you know, intentional time together.
Jen Li 11:13
Relationship check in, I'm curious, do you ever bring work into the conversation, you ever talk about work? Or is that a place where you're like, Okay, this is this is a space and container not to talk about work.
Jen Dang 11:26
I think that we easily talk about work a lot. And if work is as important for us that week, then we talk about it. And, you know, I think for both of us, if we ever feel like there's something on our mind, it's so important for us to talk about it. And we both recognize that, you know, we don't want to be talking about work all day. But if we need to get it off our chest, then we talk about it, and then once we feel clear with it, then we can relax for the rest of the evening. So it really depends on what we need at the moment. So you know, if it comes time to for our I wouldn't be on our scorecard. Our scorecard is very much about us and our relationship and, you know, how are we doing based off our values? And in our weekly checking, sometimes it's about business, it's it's we update, it's like, how is our week been? What's been the highlight what's been the low light and, and, and, you know, what's something that we want to do differently, and what makes us feel really loved and, and so just going over that just has this like really thinking about how was my week, because sometimes that we can just pass by you and we have no idea what went on and how it impacted us.
Jen Li 12:43
Yeah, definitely makes everything, each person more conscious about what they bring into the relationship. If it's emotions coming around work or emotions coming between both of you. You share it in that space? Can you give me some examples of what values that you score yourself on in that relationship? Check in?
Jen Dang 13:08
Yeah, actually, let's see if I can pull mine up. But if I can remember it off the top of my head, I've got five values, and one is romance. And and so you know, I we have little explanations for each, but my one is romance. And it's about Sukhumi off my feet and feeling really special and loved and thought of. And then second one is, is fun. And this includes things like taking time out of our day to dance and laugh and do fun and adventurous things and have really amazing sex is one of my values. And then his friends and family. So encouraging me and, and taking time to set up friends and family calls or dinners and stuff like that. And fifth one is feeling like I'm feeling like I'm his priority. So and you know, in this some of these values, he doesn't always score perfectly. And this is one area that, you know, isn't always perfect, because we know that sometimes business sets first, but I think but I think what is great about this is because he knows it's important for me to feel like I'm his number one priority. And you know, I think what the the scorecard does is and if he sees that he's consistently scoring low on that, you know, he might, you know, put a little bit more effort the next month to ensure that I feel like I'm his number one priority.
Jen Li 14:55
Do you have any shared principles that would apply for both work and Do your relationship,
Jen Dang 15:02
like, having a light heart and having a lot of fun. And, you know, we really, in, in my business in my life, and especially in our relationship is, you know, I feel like nothing's the end of the world, and everything can be figured out. And we just want to have fun. And that's really the best way to approach things. And so whenever we, like, get into any sort of, we don't really are you. But if we talk about anything that is serious, like, at some point in the conversation, we'll have, we'll poke fun or we'll like laugh. And, you know, we'll point out something that was just like, just silly, and it gets us a really connect on, I think, on a heart level. And, and so yeah, like, life can be hard. And relationships are hard. But I think if you if you have fun with it, then you know,
Jen Li 15:54
you don't have to take anything seriously. Yeah. Yeah, or take anything too seriously, I should say, cuz, cuz it's great to be zoning in, you're a Boss Lady or your work. And then, and then people rely on you and your leadership, but then it's all about fun for you. And that changes everything.
Jen Dang 16:19
No matter. And I'll be honest, I'll forget this sometimes. And you know, when I come back to like, why is the Why is this so hard? And it's really because fun was explained?
Jen Li 16:29
I hear you girl.
Jen Dang 16:32
I was gonna say like, I'm just actually coming to the realization I had actually reached out to my, to my entrepreneur network, and I asked her, I was like, I had a team member who works remotely, and I'm having trouble, you know, keeping her motivated. And I asked for some support and some experience shares. And, like, the common answer was, inject fun, make it fun. And I'm like, God, yes, I get, it seems so simple. But it really is what we forget when we're so regimented, and what we're supposed to do to get a certain result, we forget to inject the heart, the fun, the spirit, of whatever we're doing.
Jen Li 17:14
That's beautiful. Let me bring it back to our mission. And our focus for what we want in our relationships, whether that's in our work, or in a partner it, it grounds us to why we do the things that we do. So thank you for sharing that. My last question is, what are you still learning from the difficulties of your relationships?
Jen Dang 17:41
I mean, through any relationship, I feel like the challenges are where it's the opportunity to grow, see opportunity to see, you know, what is it that's actually happening? And often it's, it requires a little bit of inner work and looking at yourself, and, you know, what is it in this moment that is triggering you? What's bothering you? What's making you upset? And, you know, I've, I've, you know, I think I've always gone inward, and it used to be a negative in a negative tone. And now I go inward in a very positive tone is what do I have to learn from this experience? And, yeah, I feel like Mike and I take relationship challenges in a really great stride and we're excited to take them on and we're actually no, we're so proud of ourselves each time that we can pass through a challenge in very little time. And, you know, I think that ultimately is the goal is that we run into challenges how, how quickly can we move through it, not past it, but move through it.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
