How A Polyamorous Father Deals With Uncertainty - Conor McMillen

Do you think you can have more than one partner? Jen interviews Conor McMillen, a father, coach, and influencer with Brittany Taylor on Youtube, to explore the uncertainties of both monogamous and polyamorous relationships.  

Tune in every other Tuesday for a new episode on Heart of Humans.

Transcript

Jen Li  0:01  
The heart of humans podcast explores the secrets to building flourishing relationships. We demystify the elements of desire, trust and love by interviewing conscious lovers and providing reflections to help you create the relationships of your dreams.

What does it feel like to be in a polyamorous relationship? I've never been in one so I decided to find out from Connor McMillan. Connor is a life coach, therapist and badass human being. Not only will you find his strength and partner acrobatics, but Connor has had an embracing relationship with many uncertainties in life with his partner for the last seven years, Brittany and Connor have been able to thrive through long distance relationship living out of a tight RV being a triad polyamorous couple, and conquering through their newest stage in life. Parenthood. They're most known for helping a ton of people be fully connected with their fears from sharing their knowledge on their YouTube channel and membership program. It's an honor that I get to interview Connor to find out how we can navigate through life's uncertainties, and our romantic relationships. Hello there, Connor? Hey, Jim, how you doing? It's good. It's good to see you. And it's good to hear from you. I want to get right into this because I'm excited to hear. Let's do it. I'm ready. How did you view relationships when you were a child compared to now?

Conor 1:33  
 I am slanted towards relationship heavy, like relationships are just like, super in my focus. But I think the biggest shift was probably around viewing partnership and romantic partnership, we all shift and change. And perhaps what I want today might not be the same thing tomorrow. So kind of keeping, keeping things open for that shift to happen naturally.

Jen Li  2:00  
Yeah, so when you are open, you invite so many other possibilities. But did you also view yourself as having one partner ever? Did you that ever crossed your mind? Or was it from the get go? You were open to any possibility?

Conor  2:20  
I think from from the get go, I was open to any possibility. But then I found someone that I really, really loved. And I was 16 years old. And we moved across country. from California to Massachusetts when I was 17. And we moved in together, we became engaged, we got married, we were together for 12 years. And I was absolutely convinced this is my person for the rest of my life no matter what. So yeah, I've been in that space. And honestly, it was it was great for what it was I'm really proud of that relationship. Me and my ex wife are still super best friends. I love her to death. And also things didn't work out. You know, she decided that she wanted something different. And it was her choice to move away from me. And that was hard man that was like, Oh my gosh, my heart just dropped. But I had to kind of recreate what I wanted to do with my life. And it also just kind of came into being what I wanted to do in relationships moving forward.

Jen Li  3:21  
Mm hmm. Was it because one wanted to be in a polyamorous direction or that had nothing to do with it?

Conor  3:30  
It was so not on our radar. We know we knew nothing about polyamory. No, it was more just that, you know, we were kids when we met and growing up together, essentially, you know, at the age of 16. We didn't really progress past the age of 16. In a lot of ways. I mean, certainly around like communication and being able to have self awareness, being able to understand Oh, this is my need, or this is my desire. Well, how do I express that? Those things were just difficult for us to do. So I don't think we did it. So by the time we got to a stage where something had to change, there wasn't really communication set up to be able to make that change together. And we just had to do things separately.

Jen Li  4:12  
Connor, what's your experience with monogamy? versus polyamory?

Unknown Speaker  4:17  
Yes, so having that long term, monogamous relationship of 12 years, I think gave me a really positive lens on both monogamy and then transitioning into polyamory I have respect for both choices. I have respect for any relationship style that one chooses to be in and I see that the benefits for either really have to do with the individual and what they're looking for. For me personally, monogamy worked super well for a super long time for me. So and then when I when I moved into polyamory, and it was a very conscious decision to do. That and to do that with Britney, I don't think I'll ever go back. Of course, there's things in life I've said that about and then I have gone back to and been happy about. But there's something about it now that really works well, for me as an individual, the type of growth that I'm looking for, I find that polyamory allows for, okay, it requires a level of communication, that may not be required in monogamy. If you are intentionally connecting with other people that trigger your partner, and you want to maintain a helpful relationship with that partner, you have to develop your communication skills to a degree that monogamy doesn't require, there may be other areas of a monogamous relationship that require a high level of communication. And of course, that's a good thing to go after, regardless. But the type of stuff that Brittany and I have, like chosen to put ourselves into, I just never would have come up in a monogamous relationship. And because of that, it's increased my ability for a high level of communication, for compassion, for self awareness to understand what my triggers are, and to work on those as an individual while being supported by a partner at the same time.

Jen Li  6:19  
Mm hmm. Yeah, I think that it's a profound sense of communication between two partners that are willing to be 100% honest, 100%, transparent, right. And you're saying that it demands us more in a polyamorous relationship to communicate those fears? And how do we deal with those fears?

Conor  6:42  
I think the truth is that uncertainty exists, period, in every area of life in every aspect of life. monogamy does not shelter you from uncertainty. Neither does polyamory. As I said, not I wouldn't argue for one over the other. They're they're different. They both have their unique, positive attributes. But allowing oneself to not just allow their partner but to support their process, their partner in their process of following their desires, and getting their needs met in a variety of ways. I think it actually takes away from a level of uncertainty, it actually allows for a clearer path. A lot of people I meet who have been in monogamous partnerships for a long time, they have a secret life that they're living internally, they have desires, and they have needs to connect with other people. This isn't always but this is what I've seen often with people who we work with, and that life is secretive, it's being withheld, because to speak on it would be shameful, or be scary, or be unsettling, or would break the partnership. So this whole secret life is happening for a lot of people. And I think two things happen. When we hold something like that inside, we either kill off parts of ourselves. So we remove chunks of energy from our system, which leads to a less than thriving existence, or it explodes out of us. And we break our relationship and we go after what we want at the top of our heart, we, we follow this passionate beam of light. And then oftentimes, we tend to get right back into another relationship, which feels restrictive, and we kind of follow that same pattern. So that's not across the board. But that is something that I've seen common for people. And I think that polyamory allows that peace to be removed. So yes, there's some scary stuff. You have to look at it, you have to spend time on it. You have to put time into your relationship to have a healthy, open polyamorous relationship, no question about it. But I think that it's worth it long term. And I think the potential to have a lifelong partnership can be increased. If you allow freedom for your partner. If you allow freedom for your partner, maybe they don't want to connect with other people. You have freedom for them to do other things in your life. But I think freedom is really the key when in relationships.

Jen Li  9:17  
Mm hmm. I often feel that the best type of way to be is not really knowing your partner, never really knowing who they they fully are. There's so much uncertainty that if we're only willing to look at, we can see just how much just how much connection, there's yet to uncover, and beyond that, building a much bigger self a bigger journey for a continued relationship. My question is, though, how does one view uncertainty as As that opportunity for empowerment.

Conor  10:03  
So when we're talking about uncertainty, I think we have fear of, of what we don't know. And that is a very natural human reaction. But that doesn't mean that we can't have safety at the same time. So a certain level of uncertainty is a necessary requirement for life period, and certainly for having a thriving life, because I don't think we can have a thriving life without challenge without pushing our edge. And honestly, without having some level of stress, we don't want to live in that state 24 seven, but it's just like, going to the gym and working out your muscles, your muscles need a certain amount of stress in order to stay open, growing, flexible, healthy, the same thing applies to our emotional world, our spiritual world, and to our relationships. So regardless of the relationship form, monogamous polyamory, whatever, I think it's important to have a certain level of healthy stress in the relationship, so that you can, like you said, keep learning your partner, keep discovering your partner, because you and your partner or your partners are changing, they are evolving. And we have to stay open to, I don't know what that looks like, I don't know who you're going to be tomorrow, I don't know who I'm going to be tomorrow, well, let's just decide we're going to love each other and support each other. And then how much safety is that, you know, if you just decide with someone, I'm just gonna love you forever. Regardless, I don't care, I'm just gonna love you forever. I mean, that, to me, is ultimate safety. And I think the same thing can be applied to ourselves. So you know, we have some amount of influence on the external world, but in a big way, we're just kind of along for the ride. On the other hand, we have entire 100% control over how we feel what we choose to do with those feelings. And I think developing safety within oneself is the best way to create safety in a relationship. And yeah, we don't know what's going to happen, you know, it's just like, this is a crazy life that we get to live. I think it's fantastic that we don't know what's going to happen, doesn't mean we can't plan doesn't mean we can't co create with other people and say, hey, let's come up with a 10 year plan, let's go with a five year plan, let's, let's have some promises and commitments. But let's also be open to the up to the opportunity that arises, if something like doesn't work out the way we planned, because it is indeed an opportunity.

Jen Li  12:31  
It is an opportunity. That's right, like you said, that we get to discover things that extends our growth and explore who we truly are in trust ourselves the most. And that's a piece that I I think it took a long time for me to discover. And I also believe that because trusting ourselves is the foundation for all of our relationships. I believe that there are some uncertainty that's there in so many areas in our lives. And I don't think it's always necessary to explore all uncertainties, right? Like, as an acrobat, I'm sure you know, like, you have to balance and you can't overextend your support. I'm a dancer. So I'm also aware of how partner dynamics occur. So like, when I'm in a secure relationship is when I trust my own financial, my own spiritual, my own health, and my integrity of who I can offer to myself. And then I feel I can fully embrace more uncertainty as I go along. Do you have that frame work too? Is that something that you work with?

Conor 13:54  
100% Yeah. And to bring back you know, like the gym reference or workout reference, because this is like an easy one to follow. You know, you can't just work out all day long, your your muscles are gonna be destroyed, you're gonna have injury, you're gonna get sick. I mean, the same thing applies when we're talking about relationships. You can't have stress in a relationship all the time. You can't be like, hey, let's challenge each other to do this thing. Okay, let's go do this thing. Let's go hook up with these guys. Let's go over here. You know, like, it's way too much, but there's no perfect plan for that either. I think that's really up to the individual to have the self awareness to know when it's getting to be too much. And then to have the communication set up where you can come together with your partner, your partners and communicate, let's slow it down and need some safety doesn't mean your partner your partners have to provide that for you. But it's good for everyone to know where each other are at. Ultimately, we need to be able to find our safety define our downtime, regardless of what the world is. Willing or available to offer us? I think that partners want to help partners out to provide that. But sometimes they can't, you know, and we don't want them to feel guilted into helping us if we're having a hard time. At the same time, I think most of us want to offer care, we want to offer support. And so what that looks like, obviously, is going to be different for partnerships.

Jen Li  15:25  
Yeah, absolutely. You've already touched on what it looks like to have a safe relationship and creating that trust with ourselves as a center point. And knowing that we have, you know, that we have so much more to give and to support our partners with What's your idea of being too safe? How do you know? And how can you tell if you're being too safe?

Conor  15:59  
I love this question. Thank you so much for for giving me the opportunity to answer it. So I want to say that I don't believe there is such a thing as too safe. And I think that when, what, when we think about safety, it may be that what we're calling safety is kind of like a setup that eventually bores us, and does not challenge us enough. So I think if someone says I'm feeling too safe, and I don't like it, I think what they're actually experiencing a stagnation. It's not that they don't like feeling safe, who doesn't want to feel safe. I mean, I want to feel safe 100% of the time, that would be awesome. I think what i what i don't want and what other people don't want, is stagnation, they want to be challenged, they want to they want excitement, they want passion. And you can have that, you can also have stress, you can also have triggered childhood trauma, all in a safe way. You can have monogamy in a safe way, you can have polyamory in a safe way, you can push your edge in a safe way, you can work out at the gym as hard as you can, in a safe way. So I think that safety go after it 100%. But there's a difference between safety inside of yourself. And some perception of like, well, if I just create this little box and crawl inside of it, then I'll be safe. Because that's not actual safety. And I think we all know that. But there's still that still sort of what's presented to us is like other people's modeled versions of safety, from a cultural perspective, tend to get boring real quick for most of us, they tend to stagnate us. And I would say I would argue that ultimately, those safe boxes are not actually what safety is.

Jen Li  17:48  
I love that because you You are so compelled that we are different, distinct, unique creatures with different needs. And I think that emphasizes so much about your care, and your perception on how people are different.

Conor  18:10  
Absolutely. 100% Yeah, we all need different things. You know, we all want different things. And I think the more that we can accept and support each other in that, the less we'll have to carry around shame, and then have to give that shame to other people. It's all gonna look different, you know, and I think we are ultimately all doing our best. I think the more we can kind of support each other with love, the better. We're all going to turn out in the end.

Jen Li  18:33  
Yeah, yeah. And if you don't know already, Connor helps people process their shame, because there are people that struggle with being secretive and being just inhibited, I would say to not be able to share their views. And I really see the work and the important work that you do with people to allow them to top themselves top into themselves more deeply. I really want to know what inspires you to be a coach. And tell us more about your experience?

Conor  19:11  
Yeah, well, I love people. I love relationships. As I said earlier in the podcast, it's like something that's really on top for me and exciting for me. 10, maybe even 20 years ago, there's no way I would have dreamed that I would be doing this for a living. But I'm just so grateful that I am. I feel really connected with my life's work. And that is working with people. I love collaborating and I love hearing from people holding space for people and also creating action steps that they can create day to day to move towards their bigger and higher goals in this life. So a big foundation of the work that I do is about building self leadership. Self leadership is super important and that's that I applied to individuals in their life. They In their, their careers, their relationships, their sleep habits, their workout habits, you know, as many areas of life that you can have more self leadership, I think it's a good thing to apply a Brittany and I also work with couples, triads, and individuals a lot around relationships. And a lot of people come to us who maybe want to open up their relationship. And so we kind of help them navigate how to do that in a healthful and successful way while getting their needs met and learning really how to communicate through the inevitable challenges that they are about to encounter. So I love the work that I do with Brittany as well.

Jen Li  20:38  
Yeah, it's so different each time. It is everyone's got a unique thing. So it's really exciting work. I'm so overjoyed that people like you are dedicated to the dynamic that the really changeful and creative work and that you do because it is creative. I want to thank you so much for coming onto this show, especially and hopefully, we'll be able to share more and hear more from Connor please tell us where people can find you.

Conor  21:18  
Yeah, so if you want to do a one on one coaching with me or or do an ISS program that I created, you can visit my website Conor Macmillan comm if you want to find out more about relationships and see what Brittany and I are up to just google Connor and Brittany, you can spell it completely wrong and it'll still show up they'll still find us. So we have a membership platform that we just recreated. We're really excited about that set Connor Brittany calm. But as I said, you can also just check out our YouTube videos and shoot us a message or leave us a comment.

Jen Li  21:51  
Thank you, Connor. Thanks, Jen. It's great being here.