Question What Makes You Feel Validated - Alexa K Martin

Did it ever occur to you that your ego and your authentic self want different things? How can you tell the difference?

Alexa K. Martin is a mindset coach helping overwhelmed and anxious high achievers get unstuck, feel confident in themselves, and love their life. Find out how you can move through your romantic decisions with confidence!

We talk about embracing fear and uncertainty, how to tell the difference between a healthy challenge and a fearful ego, the differences between coaching and therapy, and much more. 

4:16 Embracing uncertainty and fear
7:01 Joy within vs outside of us
14:04 How to tell if it's our ego keeping us stuck or a healthy challenge
17:30 Self-awareness is the foundation of understanding your worth
21:46 Your identity in social media vs real supportive communities
25:30 Difference between therapy and coaching

Alexa K. Martin
www.alexakmartin.com
www.instagram.com/alexakmart
https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexa-martin-9834069b/

Transcript

Jen Li: 0:01

The heart of humans podcast explores the secrets to building flourishing relationships. We mystify the elements of desire, trust and love by interviewing conscious lovers and providing reflections to help you create the relationships of your dreams. My guest, Alexa Martin would be known as a type a high achiever who studied mathematics at MIT, and who you'd consider to be on track for success and fulfillment. Instead, she suffered from an eating disorder. And despite her accolades, and being in one of the top institutions in the world, she was not happy with how she wanted to make a difference. She became a mindset coach helping overwhelmed and anxious high achievers like herself, get unstuck, feel confident in themselves and love their life. We talk about embracing fear and uncertainty, how to tell the difference between a healthy challenge and a fearful ego, the differences between coaching and therapy, and much more, we hope you enjoy this episode. Tell me a little bit about your story about becoming a mindset coach.

Alexa: 1:13

Yeah, it's a funny one. So I actually I did not study mindset, or psychology or any of the sorts. I studied math. But I got introduced to mindset just through my own healing journey. I was previously very high anxiety, I had an eating disorder, I was just always looking to things outside of myself in order to feel worthy and validated when I was first introduced to mindset, because at the time, I was studying math, I was at MIT, great friends, good family, like checking all the boxes. And if anyone asked me at the time, like, how are you doing, I would have been like, I'm doing great. But so often, we're settling for so much less than we're worth. And we don't even realize that. And we don't even realize how great great can feel until we get to the other side. So I think that's just a really important little tidbit to add into just think about, like, how am I settling for less than I'm worth right now? And how, how much better could great be for me?

Jen Li: 2:18

If so, for someone who went to MIT, that's already a big accolade. And, and first other people from other people's protected perspective, it seems like you have your life figured out you you're on your track for success. And it's funny to hear that you are saying that, you know, there was a part of you that thought you were settling.

Alexa: 2:41

At the end of the day, all the externalities in my life, right looked great. And I was really missing that relationship with myself because I was so busy focusing on making everything outside of myself perfect, that I didn't spend any time in my relationship with my own self. And now like where I'm at, yeah, maybe the outside like financially, whatever it may be, may not look like picture perfect, but I just feel so much better. And that's all because it's coming from within. It's never what's happening outside of ourselves. It's always coming from the inside.

Jen Li: 3:17

I really like that because this podcast is really focused on our relationship with ourselves. And for you, you've really healed a lot in yourself to realize that there was this gap that was that you see didn't notice before. And when you were able to explore that gap, you were able to discover a huge amount of success in your own awakening. With Yourself, I want to I want to ask you about something that I think a lot of people deal with, which is that people feel to me stuck in the uncertainty or the fear with relationships. Either they're uncertain if a relationship is going to work out. Or they're stuck in a relationship just because they aren't sure if they can find anything else. One of

Alexa: 4:16

the biggest things for me has been recognizing that so much in our life is outside of our control. Right, you can be married and the relationships can still end. Like marriage isn't like that golden stamp of certainty. Like there is so much in our life that is outside of our control. But what is always within our control is our own energetic state, and our happiness and our joy. And when you condition your joy and your happiness on things being comfortable and on things looking a certain way, then yeah, it's really freakin scary because you basically like told yourself that like if this doesn't work out, if you know we break up or if I don't find a new partner, then I'm going to be unhappy. But can you shift that narrative to be? I'm going to choose to be happy no matter what. Yeah, this is scary. Yeah, it might be really uncomfortable, but my happiness, and my joy is always within my control. And really just like releasing the need to control everything outside of yourself, and learning to cultivate that from within, can release a lot of the fear. Because at the end of the day, like we all want freedom, we all want love, we all want joy. And when you recognize that you already have those things inside of you, then you stop worrying so much about needing it to come from the things outside of you.

Jen Li: 5:42

Yeah, I'm just reminded by the crazy, crazy behavior, or the the things that I would go, like, I make a commitment, I go against my own commitment. Just so I can control the environment, or the situation or a relationship. I'm just reminded of how, how I've seeked I've sought out happiness outside of myself so much of my life, like so much of my life. And it always blows up in a way that would seem like it would be great in the, in the instance when it when I'm getting the attention I want. And afterwards, it I realized how out of control, I feel out of the situation, I feel from the situation. So that's a great, great perspective, which is to shift that narrative to say like, Where can we find joy inside of ourselves? What have you shifted for yourself? Actually, that that could be something that other people can really glean from like, what have you shifted within yourself to find joy inside rather than outside?

Alexa: 7:09

Well, I loved what you were touching on earlier, just talking about kind of feeling so filled by the validation from others that is so common, and this was a big shift for me. I loved it, when people were like, Oh, you study math at MIT, like I was like, Yes, and I am so worthy. Because of it, you know. And when you base your life off of like, just feeling so filled by that validation of others, you realize you just are doing these things that like deep down to your core authentic wants and needs, you don't even want to be doing, you're just doing it for the validation. And so a big shift for me was learning to not take anything personally, both in the sense of if someone treats me in a way that is maybe hurtful, like, I don't take that personally. But also not taking it personally when people are saying really good things about you too, and really positive things. And this plays a role in so many aspects of my life, like in the work I do in my relationships in all different places. If you are listening to a de applause and feeling filled by the applause, then you're very susceptible to being beaten down by the booing. Hmm. And so learning to be a filled cup, like I'm already a filled cup, and I'm expanded by others. But I don't need that applause. I could have zero people listening to what I'm saying zero people, as my clients like there could be zero people, I'm still filled cup. And so learning how to not take it personally. Both like the applause and also not take personally the booing so that you can start to do what you actually want to be doing instead of what's just gonna make you feel validated.

Jen Li: 9:05

It's just so undeniably powerful. Like, questioning the way we feel validated is an access to our own freedom. I fucking love that. Yeah, I think what I would love to hear, like if you can give someone a, you know, a lot of people I know, are in this loop. You know, they wake up one day and they decide, okay, I'm not this person anymore. I'm not going to think about the worst things about a person. Right? And then something happens. And they A week later, could be a month later and they go back to this loop of, you know, I'm not sure again, I'm uncertain. How do we break this loop? So

Alexa: 10:03

now it's such a good question, because it's so easy to feel in a high vibe state when things are going great. And it's a lot more challenging to feel that way when things are seemingly not going our way, right? I love I can't remember where I heard this, but just the idea that take someone who's like very enlightened, you know, a guru, spiritual master, and put them at home with their family for a week, and then see what happens. See how enlightened and spiritual investor they are then. So it's so true, like the uncomfortable parts of our life really are just showing us where we have to heal, right, and where we have more growth. And so when these moments pop up, that things are getting really uncomfortable, and you're starting to loop back to old thoughts and loop back to old patterns in such a beautiful mirror to be like, Oh, this is where I still have to grow. This is work that I still have to do. And instead of just very habitually snapping back into that old ways, bringing a level of consciousness do it being like, Oh, look, there I go. Again, I'm doing it right now. And sometimes you won't have the resources, you won't have the capacity to do different, right? There are times when, let's say I'm with my partner, and we're arguing it, I literally will have the conscious thought that like, it would be really unproductive for me to say this right? Now, I know that I would never coach someone to do it. And I'm like, but I'm going to do it anyway. Right? It's, we're human is still going to happen. But the more and more that you can bring awareness to it and consciousness to it. And the more and more you can, you know, not go back to that old place that feels very comfortable. But instead choose differently, the easier it's going to be.

Jen Li: 11:58

And I want to ask you, like for the people who are, you know, stuck in a family home that is somewhat either, you know, going extreme, toxic or just not really comfortable? Or would you say that we should be in those environments to allow ourselves to grow? What What is your opinion on being in environments that are not conducive for, for our own perceived mental health,

Alexa: 12:28

I would never seek out or I would never tell someone to seek out like a toxic environment to see you know how strong they are and how much they've grown. Right? That's definitely not definitely not the case. But at the same time, like you don't want to always live in your complete comfort zone. So there are the right moments and the right times to seek out a little bit of discomfort and seek out a little bit of change. And those are great opportunities to see how you've grown and to see how much you how far you've come. But at the end of the day, if you're living in a really toxic environment, like no, don't stay there don't feel like you need to prove to yourself how much emotional and mental resiliency you have. Right? That's, that's just coming from the ego. So you definitely want to find environments where you can thrive and feel like your best self. And then once you've gotten to that whole, whole self, like you feel like complete as an individual, you've done tons of personal growth that you can be like, okay, and now I'll go back, see how the challenge feels this time. Maybe do it for a day, two days, three days, you see the mirror pop up, and then you go back and do the work. And then you go back. And you just see how you evolve over time.

Jen Li: 13:45

That's such a such a big distinction. For the people, especially in my past where I've had my ego tries to prove that a relationship is right for me, or this is the right relationship. And I think it begs the question, like, how do we know that it's our ego that's keeping us stuck? Versus it's a healthy environment that challenges us?

Alexa: 14:19

I always coach people to really look at the why behind the decisions that they're making. You can really you can write out a list of why would I stay? Why would I leave? Why would I do this? Why would I do that? Write out your decisions of why. And then you want to look at what vibes are underlying those reasonings. So it'll either be coming from a place of high vibes which can be expansion, excitement. I'm excited to feel challenged love, joy, peace, freedom, stability, anything like that. Or it'll be coming from a place of I feel like I should or I want to prove this or I'm scared. Right and you Want to look at those lists of wise and see which one is coming from this expensive, excited, challenging place? And which one is coming from an ego driven? Really, if you see the word should place should? Like, I feel like I should

Jen Li: 15:22

I like, when I feel like I should do something, it's usually coming from a place. I let me correct me if I'm wrong from feeling unworthy, like I'm, I should do this. Because if I don't do this, this means I'm unworthy.

Alexa: 15:44

Absolutely, I think that a lot of the shoulds and the guilts in life are coming from, like you said, what we've attached our sense of worthiness, too. So we've attached our sense of worthiness to people liking us, we've attached our sense of worthiness to being a people pleaser, attached to that whatever it may be, whatever we've attached our sense of self worthiness to is what's driving that should.

Jen Li: 16:23

Mm hmm. That's interesting.

Alexa: 16:30

Kind of let that one sink in.

Jen Li: 16:33

Yeah, I also recall when I had those beliefs, of unworthiness, and they come and go, you know, I have still days of like, I feel like a small human being right now, like a tiny little, tiny little speck, that can't do anything, right. And I just remember, like, what was really missing in those moments was this deep commitment to myself. And I don't know if you relate to this, Alexa, I just, I felt like, what was missing was this deep commitment to myself. And knowing what I want, and knowing that I deserve what I want it.

Alexa: 17:24

Well, I think that I mean, I 100% relate. Absolutely. And I've come to learn that self awareness, I really think is the foundation to self worthiness. Because when we are so clear in who we are, we are so clear in what we believe it and we are so clear in our values, that just breeds confidence in the decisions that we're making. And that really is a foundation of self worthiness. And just recognizing I'm already a whole worthy being, I know who I am at my core, I know I'm a good person, I might mess up this conversation. But that has nothing to do with who I am deep down.

Jen Li: 18:11

The people who find it hard to know what it is that they do want, you know, how do you help people like that be clear about what it is that they actually do want, especially when they've spent most of their lives, pleasing their parents or pleasing other people? How do you help people like that?

Alexa: 18:30

Well, the thing with knowing who you are, and what you value is that it doesn't have to be like a clearer picture of like, this is what I want to do in my career for the next 30 years, right, or this is where I want to live, or this is the type of relationship I want to have. It's more about knowing like what your values are, and what you stand for. And those values are going to stand true. Like, no matter what, what changes are happening outside of you, right? Like, I value authenticity, that doesn't change, no matter what relationship that I'm in, that doesn't change no matter what job I'm in, I value self care and time for myself. Right? So knowing those core authentic values, which I mean, you can probably just, I take my clients through an exercise to figure it out for themselves. But I'm sure that you can look up like core values exercise and find a few different options on the internet. But really, like just knowing those authentic core values is super helpful. Another thing I have my clients do, which I think is really, really powerful is to write a eulogy for themselves. So what do you want people to say about you at the end of your life? Right?

Jen Li: 19:47

I really like this. I know it's dark, but I really like it. It's super powerful. What

Alexa: 19:52

do you want people to say about you at the end of your life? This was eye opening for me? Because I wrote it out and I was like how is what I'm doing right now? and living right now going to lead to that nothing that I was doing. No one was gonna say those things about me. And that was the moment that I was like, okay, things have to change, I need to start showing up differently in this world, right? So really be clear on like, what impact do you want to make? What do you want people to say about you at the end of your life? And how am I leading a life that's actually going to lead to people saying those things?

Jen Li: 20:25

So good. And I actually am going to do that myself. Probably tomorrow morning. That's a great morning practice. How would I like to be spoken of at my funeral? Yeah, and my death day, another great, great way to figure out what your values are, I love when you say your values are consistent, they don't change their throughout your entire life, they'll always be your values, the same values, I was going to mention that, if you are able to write down the people that you will look up to people that have influenced you the most in your life, celebrities or people that you know, of dead or alive, you can probably pull some characteristics and traits from them that you also admire. And that you hope to or aspire to be. So I think that's another way for us to pull values, like really get clear on what values that you have to be able to know what type of relationship you want to have with yourself.

Alexa: 21:46

I think also, just finding moments to be with yourself, like quiet, still moments to just be with yourself will really help in learning more and more about who you are. And it sounds silly, but like you don't even need to do much, just be alone with your thoughts for like 10 minutes a day, just in silence. And the more you do that, like the more your intuition will come out, the more you'll get to know yourself. Because when we're so busy just being distracted by our phones, and by all our things to do, and by all the people around us and all those shiny objects, we don't ever take the time to just look within and be like, who am I? And so if you can just introduce those small moments every day, you'll notice that your intuition will just grow a lot stronger on its own.

Jen Li: 22:39

Yeah, and totally opposite from what social media would would warrant for that it's it's like your the the easiest thing for people to do is to feel plugged in to what others are thinking about them, so that they can feel more validated. It's just so bizarre. It's bizarre. We're living right now.

Alexa: 23:06

Yeah, social media has exasperated the, the external validation times like 1000.

Jen Li: 23:15

Yeah. 1,000%. And I think it's so it like, it's so daunting to think about for the people that have, you know, people that have to use social media to be able to be discovered, for their business for their brand. It's one of the things that I'm trying to figure out. That is separating vanity metrics towards like, the actual impact that I want that I want to achieve for my brand. Yeah, that's another conversation aside, but it's, it's a it's an interesting parallel, though. Yeah,

Alexa: 23:55

it is 100%. I think what's helpful for everyone is just whenever you post something on social, I just I love this mantra, the amount of likes I get on this post has nothing to do with my worthiness. It's nothing to do with who I am. It's just a post on the internet. And always repeating that to yourself, as you post nothing to do with my worthiness. 100%. Right. I also think it's really important to just put yourself in supportive communities, communities that are going to help you get to that next best version of yourself. It is so hard to make change by yourself on your own. It is like going one mile an hour when you try to do it by yourself. And then you join a really supportive community and it's like going 100 It is so different. We change in community, we grow in community. So a beautiful way to expand your world is to join really supportive communities that are just there to help you get to that next Next best version of yourself.

Jen Li: 25:02

Mm hmm. Yeah, as reminded from an ancient African proverb, if you want to go far, go with people.

Alexa: 25:11

Absolutely, absolutely. And it's like, if if you have the means to do so like, get a therapist, get a coach. But if you can't do that, like, talk to a friend, talk to a family member, like be vulnerable, be open, just lean on the support systems that you can create.

Jen Li: 25:30

What's the difference between a therapist and a coach Alexa,

Alexa: 25:34

I really believe that therapists do a lot of looking backwards. And coaching is a lot more of looking forwards is, I would say the biggest distinction. And I know for me, in the work that I do, of course, we look back a bit. But we look back in order to move forward. Versus therapy, I think is just looking back and looking back. And looking back.

Jen Li: 25:58

I've done both. It's, it serves a totally different purpose for each and it's both just as powerful. So I highly recommend both, I highly recommend you get in touch with Alexa. She is an awesome coach. And she does group coaching for those of you that find one on one coaching too daunting. And her program is called limitless because she is breaking limitations with people, some powerful people in her life. I want to thank you again for being on the show. Alexa,

Alexa: 26:31

thank you so much for having me here. I love I love how everyone else interprets the name limitless because when I thought of it, I was just I think I was just walking down the streets of Boston. I was like, limitless. That's the one. No thought about why. But everyone else has such cool, beautiful interpretations of it. And I'm like, I love that. So I loved hearing that. Thank you so much, though for having me to night. This was a really like a conversation. And if you're listening to this, definitely connect with me. I'd love to not just be strangers on the internet, but maybe actual connections, friends, mentors, whatever

Jen Li: 27:14

it could look like. Yeah, tell people where they can find you

Alexa: 27:18

on Instagram at Alexa Kmart. and my website is Alexa Kmart. and.com

Jen Li: 27:27

Awesome. Thanks again for tuning in. See you at the next one.