Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us - Andrea Mason

How easy is it for you to forgive in a relationship?

Relationships require a forgiveness muscle. We exercise it. It is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our relationships if we want to achieve growth.

That's not to say we excuse betrayal.

Forgiveness is a verb; how we use it gives us the peace to connect and honour ourselves.

Andrea, a victim of abandonment during a war, talks about how we can forgive those who hurt us and what to do with the expectations we have living with those we love. She is now an accountability coach helping people illuminate their path to freedom and love. 

3:57 What we make the pain mean about us
14:42 Living with someone who hurts you
18:28 How to deal with your expectations about someone
29:05 Prioritize connection with yourself over anyone else
36:43 Love is knowing how powerful you are

Andrea Mason:
www.andreamasons.com
www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtMv0AJo8LlKLpEjF6RlexnB49t_Toil0
www.instagram.com/am.andreamasons/
www.facebook.com/andrea.mason.7982/
www.linkedin.com/in/mrsandreamason/

Transcript

Jen Li: 0:01

The heart of humans podcast explores the secrets to building flourishing relationships. We mystify the elements of desire, trust and love by interviewing conscious lovers and providing reflections to help you create the relationships of your dreams. My guest today was born in a war torn country of Colombia during the cartel and was given up for adoption at only 11 months old. She dealt with her abandonment for the remainder of her life, but promised to turn her life into one that impacts other people. She majored in psychology and social work became a certified global motivational speaker under the mentorship of the world renowned speaker Les Brown, and aims to build a legacy of love. Now helping others as an accountability coach to help people overcome their fears. Andrea Mason inspires us today as we talk about the courage it takes to forgive the people who hurt us what to do with the expectations we have with people we live with, and nurturing the connection we have with ourselves. I'm excited for this. Let's lean in. Oh, I'm here today with a very strong woman, Andrea? Mason. She is someone who I'm excited to interview because she's been helping people pursue their dreams. And I get to ask you, Andrea, isn't it? Isn't it one of the most amazing things for people to, to do is to share their dreams with you. Like it's such an intimate experience.

Andrea: 1:35

Yes, it is amazing. And when I work with individuals to just explore to see their visions, I get inspired. I see the limitations are not just what you set for yourself that once you meet your fullest potential, the limits are endless. And the journey has just begun. It's just an amazing connection. Absolutely.

Jen Li: 1:57

Yeah, absolutely. Like I just, I just think that it's a real honor when people open up in that way, and get to share their dreams because it doesn't often happen. And with your job. As a accountability coach, as a personal development coach, you get to do that, and work with people in in such an intimate way. Do you? Do you work with people who want relationships? And if so, what do you think is their biggest obstacle?

Andrea: 2:28

Absolutely, I work on different rooms with individuals and relationships is definitely one of the aspects that I tap into. And I feel that one of the difficult obstacles that individuals face, or that have the lack of forgiving, and what do I mean by that when we have incidents, occurrences and individuals that have hurt us in some sort of way, and we haven't moved forward to forgive that individual. We put barriers up of individuals, that may be a benefit to our life, because we haven't forgiven that person and that the individual wanting to help us becomes a bystandard. And they get dismissed, because they may have a trait, a quality, or even a physical feature of somebody who's scarred them. And they're taking that baggage with them to prevent them from possibly excelling with another individual.

Jen Li: 3:26

Yeah, or connecting with them. Correct? Yeah. I think it's really interesting how you said that because you say it's, it's the people that want to help us the most that that sometimes feel unable to because of the our own inability to forgive? Like that's something that's a big part of your work is to help people with their forgiveness, correct? Correct?

Andrea: 3:57

Yes, I you know, I've dealt with individuals and understood individuals, because when you get hurt from someone, especially if it's someone in your family, someone that you love, something that you confide in, when you get hurt, it's not just a It's not just a wound at that moment. Now it's a scar. And until we learn from those lessons and and you know, incidences that have scarred us to say, what is the takeaway message? What is the lesson that I've learned, and not to personalize it, that it's a reflection of them and not of you? That is the biggest aha moment. Because again, we when we get hurt by individuals, we are not understanding or giving us an a moment to see where the source is coming from. To understand the story behind why they hurt us. What we do is we internalize and we say, Well, what did I do to deserve this? Well, maybe My thoughts are right that I'm not deserving and worthy of this relationship. Maybe I'm not worthy of this situation. It's just like Murphy's Law and your mindset. Those who say, like Confucius says, Those who say they can't, and those who say they can, or both usually right. And that's what I work with individuals on. First getting to the root cause of why they don't feel worthy, getting to the root cause, why they feel they've gotten hurt, and allow them to go through the healing path process to achieve personal freedom, which is internalized, and forgiving yourself, for allowing this incident to recur over and over.

Jen Li: 5:45

Like, this is why I needed an accountability coach in this in this building or in this universe. Because I do feel like when I'm hurt, I have to take accountability for why I'm hurt. It's not so much about like fixing them, is my what I'm trying to say. I think what is really interesting is that when you say that we're hurt, we're providing this evidence, almost to ourselves that we're not worthy enough, and thus we close up. And we're we don't engage with the actual issue and you help with the actual root cause of our pain. And one of your sayings is, follow your heart, not your hurt,

Andrea: 6:35

correct? Absolutely. Absolutely. Because you know, when we start coming from an angle of our hurt, that's when we close doors, that's when we shut down. That's when we become introverted. And then on the other side of the coin is, nobody understands me. Nobody wants to listen to me, I feel like I'm a burden on others, you're already putting that foundation in your mind, because it's coming out of your mouth, that this is the mindset and how you should be treated. You know, when I've worked in industries of Social Work and psychology, I kind of married both of them. Because if I may, just a brief background, I was born in a war torn drop zone era at its prime in a court during the cartel of Columbia, South America. And my parents made the ultimate sacrifice to put me up for adoption, at 11 months old, weighing in only at 11 pounds, a pound per month. And they sent me to the promised land of America into the arms of a healthy, wealthy, unconditional loving family who said I was their treasure. But unbeknownst to them, decades later, I realized there was a tragedy. I had no identity, no pictures, no images, no knowledge, no medical records of my historical background. Now, as I've evolved, I decided to take social work to understand the cultural diversities understanding the chemical makeup, socio economic backgrounds of individuals, then it took the psychology component to understand the science behind why. So when we say that follow your heart and not the herd Norther hurt, for they will both get you hurt is an understanding that? Sure, we've gotten hurt. But we have to get as you mentioned before to the root cause? What was the reason for them to treat us that way? Do we bring it upon ourselves? Do we take the accountability and responsible actions of our behaviors? And then we have to understand the lesson? Am I deserving of this? Well, you know, in that situation, they had said this they have betrayed me, was my subconscious was my behaviors, my subliminal messages, giving them that guarded presence? What was my tonality? My afflictions, my mood, my meaning behind my words, the cause of it? And the one question I asked universally to all of this, do you understand why you do what you did? And to be quite honest, and they didn't, when you learn

Jen Li: 9:20

how and why someone does the thing that they do, you can't help but feel more compassionate about their own traumas, their own abuse, their own co dependencies. And then we learn for ourselves, how to forgive them, not just them, but also ourselves in that respect. And it's a kind of it's really funny, because there are people that can sometimes be impatient with learning why we do the things that we do, like you already know right from wrong, why do you need to go into the root cause? Right But I think what you help underline is that the reasons we learn about why we do the things that we do, or how we can cause so much pain to someone or ourselves is so that we can we can show that compassion towards ourselves, and also show our compassion extended Lee, and repeatedly towards people that we love and people before us. You see, it takes a lot of courage to forgive someone. I've been watching your videos about forgiven SMA, I really agree with you there. Can you tell people why why why that's important.

Andrea: 10:43

It is. So it is not an easy step. It is something that you have to be courageous enough to do because so many times we want to hear the truth. And like the movie says, Are you can you handle the truth. And the same thing applies with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a foundation that allows us to be transparent, that allows us to be authentic, that allows us to say, Hey, I'm a human being, I failed before Is it our responsibility to analyze and assess every single situation. Of course, that's your choice. Just like everything in this world is done with an intention and and choice. But most importantly, to forgive and to understand yourself, you must have self awareness and self discovery. Because it's not easy to be transparent. It is not easy to be authentic. And to be courageous enough to face your individual who has harmed you takes courage. But if you act appropriately, with civil respect, and approach them, sometimes with the individuals as I experienced, it's like snapping them out of a hypnosis. They didn't understand or even realize what they were doing. Because that's how that's been done to them. And I remember talking on a platform about being bullied. Then individual had actually said to me after the excerpt, you know what, I never really thought of it that way. I was the predator bullying others. I never thought of what it's like when that individual goes home, when an individual's shunned or hiding in the bathroom, until the bell rings to be in the safe haven of their home. And I said to that individual, on behalf of myself and the rest of them, I forgive you. And that individual was just in awe and silenced. You have to forgive yourself. And don't be mistaken. I'm not saying to swallow your pride and accept and forget. Because if we don't learn from these incidences, then they will recur and come back and back again. You must face your past, or your past will forever chase you,

Jen Li: 13:21

Matthew, but the fir first precursor to freedom and change is forgiveness. Correct? I think that's really, really important. And it's also easier said than done. I think that you're absolutely right. It takes so much courage, especially when you're faced with to, to an extent a mirror version of yourself. When people are stuck in their own understanding of themselves of where they don't feel worthy, and you don't feel worthy in providing each other the freedom to change. And like you said before, it just it just proves to us by choice whether we are worthy, worthy of love worthy of connection. And that could be with a partner or that could be with a friendship.

Andrea: 14:27

I think that relationship and even a career relationship you know, yes. It works on all dynamics because if we're unable to forgive ourselves, we're going to be the constant will black within our within our way. And a lot of questions that I've one of the questions I do get asked most of the time is what do you do when you're I don't like saying predator but the individual who's hurt you is in the same home or in the same family Everybody kind of cringes Andrea, what do I do? I mean, this is a family member, this is a close relative, this is my spouse. And I say, You know what, it's, it's up to you. Do you feel that you have the right to be treated this

Jen Li: 15:16

way? When you say predator, you mean a sexual predator?

Andrea: 15:19

No, well, I mean, any realms, because we are victims, what our name is a name on a therapeutics couch somewhere somehow, in other words, so predator, I mean by the person who has hurt you, and you're trying to forgive them, whether they have pacted you mentally, physically, spiritually, verbally, you know, the individual who has done the harm to you. And it is our choice, our mission, to allow ourselves to forgive ourselves. And one of the questions is, well, what if the person who has harmed me that I am having difficulty forgiving lives within the same home? Is a family member? Or is even my spouse, my son, my daughter, or my sister? or what have you? And this was something that I struggled because I've experienced this in my own life. How do I move on from this, I see this person every single day, or I speak to this person every single day on the phone. And they just disrespect me left and right. In public behind closed doors behind my back. How do we subside this and make it stop? And a lot of people, as you mentioned, don't have the courage. And I'm telling you, it's possible. Because all you have to do is make a choice and say, what is one behavior, random act of kindness, or something that they have done? That was positive to you or someone you loved? And for me at the time, there was nothing positive. I mean, this simple as thing I could think was, well, they held the door for me when I was carrying groceries. But when you have the opportunity and the courage to say, Okay, if it was not me, are they treating my loved ones with respect? Maybe I'm the target and the recipient of the negative behaviors. But if I can find one ounce of good that they're doing to someone I love. That's all I need. All it is, is a drop, to make a rippling effect,

Jen Li: 17:42

to change the narrative?

Andrea: 17:43

Absolutely.

Jen Li: 17:45

Yeah. So I'm trying to help other people pursue their relationships of their dreams, and we are living in a life of creation, I truly believe that what makes a relationship worth pursuing is, is that we can be creative with how our relationship should look, whether that be with or without a child, or partner or multiple partners, but no one's going to give you a manual on how to do it. Because you're unique, and your partner or your partners are unique, and you each have your own personal values and beliefs that will define your expectations. So when you're living in a household with someone who consistently hurts you, and and you know that being close to people, whether it's a romantic partner with family, you being that close to people, you can't expect people to change instantly. Because and because you're so close to them, you still kind of do because you expect the next day to be different. And you don't have a week or a month to see the person again. There's there's no distance. So how can we learn to work with our expectations and with other people's expectations of us?

Andrea: 19:12

Absolutely. And there's two parts to this. The first part is just like the 12 step program. You can't cause change or pure somebody else. You can only do that with yourself. The second component, you must change, and I know that sounds a little bit extreme, but in order to change others, you must change. They're feeding off the energy that you are emulating. We are beings of energy. And we are not isolated islands that we feel that we are as introverts as being different and and as you pointed out, Jen, everybody is different. But that doesn't mean that we don't fit in. We are all pieces of the same puzzle, where we come together and when we start seeing each other as human beings, that's when we're going to rise in unite as opposed to conquer and divide. I saw an amazing you know, play that I'm dating myself but several times Les Miserables, to love another person is to see the face of God, whatever your higher power is, with all due respect. And when we allow and understand that we are not perfect, there is no such thing, then we can see that which fill each other's gaps. And the only person we must be mindful of is our reflection in the mirror. And understanding, we are our way because we have chosen to do so. And we have been made with gifts, skills and talents. And when we learn that our areas of improvement can be filled by others, and we can feel those areas improvements, others who may have an impairment in that area, that's when we're going to be our best selves. And there's no, as you mentioned before, there's no manual to life. As we are growing up our stories told to us. But at one point in our lives, we must take the pen to our own story and start writing what we want. It all starts with the vision. It all starts with creation. As Bob Proctor in the Law of Attraction teaches it, if you see it in your mind, you can hold it in your hand. And that is applied with anything in this life, your lifestyle, your health, your spiritual well being your partnerships, your relationships, your career path. It all starts with a vision. And it all is dependent upon your choice. There's no right or wrong. You want perfection, show me someone who's perfection, and then we can speak. And what I like saying is think of the person in your life. That's quick to judge and say you can't do this. What is your first reaction? Yeah, let me show you. That's the mindset that we need to set. It's not about pleasing others. Don't get me wrong or misunderstood. It's about that. If somebody is going to tell you, you can't do it. And that's what you want to do. By all means, go ahead and do it. Because nobody's living your life. But you and that's what makes me different. As a coach, I don't dictate, I don't lecture. I listen, I learn and I love. Because I don't know what you're going through. I don't know what the first four hours of your life on that day was like, who am I to tell you and dictate you what you have to do? You have that you have you have so many other people in the world today to do that.

Jen Li: 23:36

So Andrea, I really got when you said that. We put limitations on ourselves around how we want how we think success should look like or how connection was connected to look like I actually I want it. I'm so focused on connection because this is a relationship podcast and also because I've grown and evolved to realize that people connect in very different ways. And their goals in connection are very different. And I think that it is so human of us to think that we that think that connection looks a certain way or success looks a certain way and it should be a certain way and I love how you pointed out like what is perfection really, because what's so beautiful is that we are imperfect and that each one of us fill in the gaps for what other people are what we lack in ourselves. And, and the I think what I am starting to realize is that the more I can the more I can accept different types of relationships. Sorry, different types of connections into my life. The more I, I feel proud of it, you know, like, I feel proud that I can feel flexible about that, instead of like, resist, like, why someone isn't fulfilling my expectations. And instead, like living harmony, live in harmony with the different types of people that were around? Do you agree with that?

Andrea: 25:25

And think about it, absolutely. Think about the connections you're making. You're bridging the gap to where you have an area that you want to be filled. And you're filling their gaps of where they want to be filled. relationships and connections, in my perspective, and my understanding how I connect with individuals, I'm all in. They have, you know, what frustrates me is that society has says, 5050, you're dependent upon the other individual to complete you. Oh, we are here in harmony, as you said, relationships and connections are about understanding each other, where we've been, where we're going, where we're heading, and embracing the journey, it's not putting your burdens or problems on somebody else to solve. To make sure that you're filling that piece of pie, I've done that my whole life. You know, they say there's eight slices in a pizza pie. That's the only analogy I can make. So pardon me if you don't like pizza, but there's eight slices to make a whole pie. And my whole life, I was looking for someone to complete that and fill my burden. When reality, truth be told, I had to fill that myself with the reflection of my mirror, the understanding and acceptance of my shortcomings, the understanding of my flaws and mishaps and that this is who I am, and it's okay. This is me. I'm not trying to people please anybody anymore. A connection and a relationship is in harmony, accepting each other wholeheartedly with their flaws, imperfections, gifts, skills and talents. Because it's bridging the gap between two individuals to say, hey, we're on this journey together. I can learn from you, you can learn from me, but I'm not going to be dependent upon you or myself, or are you dependent on me? Because that's not right. That's not fair. And that's not complete. When we have a relationship or connection I'm giving you all have me. I'm gauging and trusting you with me? As I hope you do to me. But one of the lessons that was a rocky road for me was setting my expectations and bar this high for another vendor individual to meet. They haven't gone through my experiences. They haven't walked in my shoes. So how can I even dare put my expectations this high? I can set my own expectations. I want to connect with an individual and have a relationship that's trustworthy. That's up integrity. That I know that when I'm in need, they're there to nurture and, and I do in this effort. Yes. You want to be intertwined.

Jen Li: 28:55

Yeah. Aligned values.

Andrea: 28:57

Absolutely.

Jen Li: 28:58

Your expectations for yourself are not the same. Right?

Andrea: 29:03

Exactly.

Jen Li: 29:05

I totally get that. This is such a such an inspiring conversation because some of the times when I feel I see myself wanting connection so badly for my partner or anybody else, right? When I really like when I crave it, sometimes it's it's also I'm realizing that it's unhealthy to want it all the time. And that such an intense feeling cannot can also signify as unhealthy because I'm just I'm just thinking out loud because I I think what what's happening is that there's a lack of connection with myself. And I think that's really astounding, because it's one of the most important things that I hope to share in this part. podcasts is that we find a relationship that doesn't, quote unquote, complete us. Right? But that we can feel more connected to ourselves.

Andrea: 30:11

Absolutely. And that's the key Jen is when you feel comfortable, and self aware and self discovery of who you are. You don't have to be dependent on another connection or relationship, you can actually enjoy each other's company. And I find I found that when, you know, I've been, I've been stated, to not be cuddling, not be nurturing. But yet, I yearn for that from someone else. Like, what the heck, I yearn for that from someone else. But then I retract it once they start. And I'm just like, really, it's like, be careful what you wish for. Because you're saying in one regard, your connection and relationship is like, you know why you're very distance, you're very passionate. But as far as the physical hug, handshake, holding hands nurturance you're very particular. And then, but then that's what I want all the time. But if I get it, all of a sudden, I step back. I'm like, Okay, that was enough. I got it. Good. I'm good. I'm good. You go now. And that is a self awareness that I'm tapped into. Because I haven't fulfilled my own self love my own self purpose. Sure, we're individuals and human beings that love nature and nurturance from another.

Jen Li: 31:44

Absolutely. What is the discomfort coming from

Andrea: 31:47

this to comfort for me, I can only speak on myself as abandonment. I mean, you know, growing up in my childhood, I'm like, Well, jeez, if my own parents didn't want me, then why would I even be deserving of

Jen Li: 31:59

love? So all those feelings come up again? Yeah.

Andrea: 32:03

And then it's, it's kind of like, you know, well, Andre, you know, you've over grown that. Now you have a healthy happy relationship. But why at times do you cringe? When, when or constantly hear from your friends and your husband or your family thing? No, I'm not really a touchy feely person. And that is my subconscious. Now, also in my conscious, because I'm still kind of weeding it out from my subconscious. I'm going to break away before you hurt me. Because I've been a victim of abuse of all kinds. I've been neglected, I've been bullied. So yeah, I'll go this way for three seconds. But as soon as I feel that I really deserve it, and I'm worthy of it. I'm going to repel before I get, I get treated that way. And that's the barrier that we have to break. Because if I feed in to, and I've done this, actually, if I feed into a hug, truth be told, within five to 10 seconds, I'm already crying. Because I'm like, How can somebody like wanna hug me? Brace you? Yeah, view? Yeah. And that's something that you know that that's gonna take time. And that's the other thing. We put this timeline and deadline, we want the instant gratification, immediate satisfaction. That's not gonna happen. You have to trust the process, and feel and heal. Because if you don't, it's just gonna keep reoccurring. And I mean, this has been decades a goal that I was, I was put up for adoption. 11 months old. That was a long time ago. He you know, why is it still here? Granted, it's not as severe as it was because I didn't trust anybody. I didn't even trust my whole family. You can ask them. They were like, Are you sure you're you have like an FBI CIA kind of person. You don't say anything to anybody. You're very guarded. very reserved, very particular. But that was my boundary. That was my protection. Yeah. And a few months ago, just to be simple, like, I never understood why I got so terrified of thunder and lightning stones. I connected with somebody a few months back, who was doing an emotional coating. And I was grateful to have an experience and an assessment done. Lucky when I grew up, explosions, war, fire war zones. So I didn't know until recently, lightning and thunder is bringing me back to the infantry stages of the Cartel in Colombia. I saw footage of where I was explosions that left and right now I still, I still went it's PTSD. And when we have awareness and self discovery, again, why we do, what we do, why we don't do what we do? We often have to chisel that away to say, look, if I want to engage in a connection and a relationship of any kind, I better make sure I understand me first. Because how am I supposed to expect someone else to understand?

Jen Li: 35:27

Yes, yeah. That's healing. Andrew, I'm so so happy to hear your journey unfolding in a magical way for you to discover. It's it's really extraordinary. And I think that I think that it also makes us brave, to step into ourselves. Yeah, it's not easy. It's not easy. But I do think that you have such a powerful mindset because you are an accountability coach, you put the accountability on yourself, you put the onus on yourself, because you know that you can't control thunderstorms. You can't control people wanting to hold you wanting to hug you. I think you are just I think you are just like me where I, I want to be able to put a limitless expectation on myself. I want to be able to be in harmony with so many people. And I think that's what makes you extraordinary. Tell me, what has love taught you?

Andrea: 36:43

You know what, for so many years, I thought I knew what love was. And that's was like yeah, know what love was. Truth be told, I didn't know what love was until I lost my mother, my adoptive mother in 2017. And it was just love is when you realize how powerful you can be. How amazingly intelligent and strong you are. Love has no filter. No boundaries, unconditional. When you put aside everything in the world and just live through your heart. No judgement, no regrets. Love is what you feel. When you look in the mirror, when you look at somebody who's dedicated their lives to make you smile. Who was there through the good and the bad, without any judgment. Everybody has a different form of love. There's parental love, you know, significant other love, pet love until you love yourself. Everything that you've done, you've been through, you're going through where you're headed. That's the power of love. It's analyst it's limitless. It's an emotion that you get when you have that tickle in your throat. The hairs behind your neck stand up. And you just feel the energy throughout your body. That's why I'm here.

Jen Li: 38:57

Can you tell people how they can find you, Andrea?

Andrea: 39:00

Absolutely. So we all had a powerful an amazing time and I'm grateful for Jen to connect us grab your cell phones, go to your email and type in A M dot press play@gmail.com to receive a complimentary session from me. And you can find me on all social media platforms. Facebook and LinkedIn at Andrea Mason. YouTube. I have over 300 videos. Your personal accountability coach Andrea Mason, I know Instagram am dot Andrea mi sons at U at Andrea Mason. Excuse me.

Jen Li: 39:41

Thank you for your courage. Andrea. I just mispronounce her name. Thank you for your courage. Andrea, please go check her out. Thank you again for being a part of our show. I'm sending you love.

Andrea: 39:53

And don't forget hearts and human in the subject line so I know where you came from. Thank you so much, Dan. Appreciate that. connection