74. What Makes a Problem, a Problem?

What makes a problem? You might not like the answer and once you learn your life will be totally different.  Here's the primer:

A problem becomes a problem only when we have a thought that makes it a problem.

A mind blowing concept, no?

In this episode I share some new things I have been learning about problems and the thoughts we have that create them. I also share a important question to ask yourself everyday in every situation that will totally change your life.

Get after it my friends and we’ll see you next week!

For links to everything mentioned in this episode and more visit:

https://www.jasonramsden.com/episode74

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Transcript

0:00

Hello, my friends let's shaking it today? Now. I'm I missed you all last week, but I took time off to take a little trip to celebrate my 27th wedding anniversary with my beautiful bride. We had an amazing trip to a resort in the Florida keys, where we had an opportunity to reconnect, recharge and remember what makes us well, an awesome couple. I also took some time to do some passive action, lots of reading, podcasts and learning. So I could come back to you with some new thoughts and ideas to share. Now I realize that not everyone is in a fantastic relationship or a wonderful marriage, and I don't mean to flaunt it here. That's not the purpose of sharing. Does it mean that we don't hit rough patches or have times when things aren't smooth sailing? Nope, we do. And from time to time, that happens, right. We're human beings. They just, aren't something that happens with much regularity. And that got me thinking, that got me thinking about when does a problem become a problem? Now, one of my favorite new teachers is Brooke Castillo. She's an amazing coach whose podcast I'm literally addicted to right now. She's in my ear nonstop, uh, pretty much all day every day because she has a lot of great content. And one of the things I've learned from her is regarding problems. And so she says a problem becomes a problem. Only when we have a thought that makes it a problem. I'm gonna say that one more time. A problem only becomes a problem when we have a thought that makes it a problem. So what does that even mean? All right. Let's say you have an interaction with your spouse or your partner or your child, you know, whatever it may be. Okay. You choose whatever scenario that pops into your head right now. Okay. So you do have it, like, do you have the scenario in your head, maybe something that happened recently in an interaction. okay. Great. When you think back on that interaction, what was the thought that was going through your mind in that moment? What were you thinking? And it's just, it's just a one sentence. That's it? One sentence. All right. So maybe it was, I can't believe he didn't take the trash out or I can't believe she didn't do her, her homework. Or, you know, maybe he doesn't say, I love you enough, whatever it may be. Right. Those types of thoughts. Well, first of all, they're full of cons contractions. Like I can't, I didn't doesn't right. Can't didn't doesn't those contractions then turn the action or the circumstance into a problem for you. It's not a problem that he didn't take the trash out. It's not a problem necessarily that she didn't do her homework. It's not a problem that he doesn't say. I love you enough. It's not necessarily a problem until you think that it's a problem and it's a problem for you, but it's not a problem for them. Okay. So why is that so well, because the thought you had just in this moment, just in this moment, as you're listening to this episode, just in this moment, it creates a feeling inside of you. All right. So let's take the, he didn't take the trash out as an example. he didn't causes you to feel what annoyed or maybe angry or maybe even sad. Right. He doesn't ever do what I ask him to do whatever the emotion is. It puts a negative spin on the action itself, right. The circumstance. And then that further exacerbates the problem. Okay. Why is that? Well, that's a great question. It's because that feeling of being annoyed. Causes you to take actions. And some of those actions may be, you might yell, you might scream, you might go silent. You may become indifferent. You might Huff and puff around the house. You know, whatever it may be, right. We all have reactions to circumstances in our life, but I want, I want you to be clear on is that those reactions are driven by the thought that you had about the circumstance okay. And those actions further push the rabbit down the hole. Right. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing it down. And the next thing you know, you're just, you're not even talking to that person. Right? You're, you're so angry. You're so frustrated that you're not even talking to 'em you go to bed early, you you're ignoring everything that person says. And that only makes the I'll I'll say it that quote unquote problem worse. And the reason I said, quote unquote, because it's only a problem because you had a thought that then made it into a problem. See how that works. All right. Him not taking out the trash, wasn't really a problem until you had a thought that, Hey, that's a problem. So how do, how do we spend this to be different? Well, for starters, you're always in control of your thoughts. Every single time you're in control of your thoughts and literally no one on the planet can make you feel anything at all. You are the only one who can make you feel something. No one's actions can make you feel annoyed. No one's actions can make you feel angry. No one's actions can make you feel sad or happy or joyful jubilant whatever it may be. Like only your thoughts create those feeling. I'm gonna say that one more time, cuz it's really important. Only your thoughts can create feelings. And when you learn this concept, like it could totally change your relationships with everyone in your life and how amazingly cool would that be? Right. If you just took a look at everything and say, you know, I'm having a thought, that's creating a feeling and I'm just gonna that thought I'm gonna feel the feeling I'm gonna live into it. I'm gonna know what that feeling feels like. And then eventually I'm gonna learn how to change that thought. So the next times there's a circumstance or an action in your life. Like your husband not taking out the trash, your daughter, not doing her homework or your partner. Not saying I love you enough. Well, press pause, like press the pause button right in that moment and ask yourself, what am I thinking right now? And how does that make me feel, then ask yourself is the thought I'm having serving me well at this moment. Is the thought one that will improve the situation or is the thought one that will create an absolute mess in my house? Not an actual mess around, but no. Will it create a relationship mess then ask yourself, like, what is a better thought I could have at that moment? What is a better feeling I could have about that situation? What would serve me best at this moment. I love that question. And the more that you can ask that of yourself, what would serve me best at this moment? Wow. Like it, literally your life will explode. Like it'll become so much better when you constantly ask yourself what would serve me best at this moment. Now don't get me wrong. Like if you need to yell and scream and flip out, because it reduces your stress. Knock yourself out, man. Like absolutely go for it. But is that is the yelling, is the screaming, is the flipping out serving you well, and more importantly, is it serving the relationship with your spouse, your partner, or your child? That's just a lot of food for thought right there. Again, and I love that question, right? What would serve me best at this moment? And you can use this throughout every single moment in your day. Is that thought serving me well, is that thought serving me? Well, I love hearing from you all when something resonates with you. So drop me an email at coaching@jasonramsden.com or shoot me a text at (781) 285-5515. I'd love to hear from you. And also, can you do me a favor, like go ahead and click the five star rating on iTunes and write a review. The show only grows when awesome listeners like you take the time to share your feedback. All right. My friends that's it for this week. Remember be willing, be curious and be intentional. And until next week, keep doing the work. You've got this.