BROKENNESS

Brokenness is a reality that many of us have faced at some point in our lives.  Oftentimes, the baggage of hurt is carried around like an invisible shield, protecting us from additional pain and attempting to dodge any possibility of vulnerability.  Ironically, holding on to it does the complete opposite, pulling us farther away from living in the greatness that God has designed in us.  As women, we find ourselves stuck in the familiarity of hurt that we have experienced in life.  However, we do not have to stay there!  Introspection leads the way to true healing.  With God, we can move forward to love fearlessly, free from the bounds of hurt that we seem to cling to subconsciously. 
In this episode of Girl GOAT, we dive deep into brokenness and the stronghold it has on our lives and love.  Together with our special guest, Mrs. Kai Huntley, we have a real conversation on love, life, and happiness and identify what is necessary to ensure that we are no longer held captive to the detrimental influence of brokenness.

Girl GOAT  editor: The Podcaster Master
Musical Artist:  DeQuan Curry, Single I'M BACK
Writer: Tameka "TWRITes" Weaver

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:07

Thank you for joining the Girl Goat Podcast with your host Valencia Manning. This podcast is about relationships and marriages. We will explore the ups and downs of pain and healings that women go through in relationships. Girl Goat is here to help you grow to your greatness. On this podcast, we will have real conversations with real people discussing topics such as rejection, abandonment, and infidelity. Let me know what you think of the GOAT, the Girl Goat Podcast, with your host, Valencia Manning. Hello, hello, hello. Thank you for joining me again on the Girl Goat Podcast here with your host, Valencia Manning. Today our special guest is Miss Kai Huntley. She is a friend and a sister, one who I have had many, many, many conversations with on this subject of being broken. We've had many conversations on different subjects, but being broken, we both can relate to. We know the feeling, we know the characteristics, and we also know how not to be broken and how to come out of being broken. And that's why you're here today on the girl goat, so you can move to your greatness and come out of this emotion. Welcome to the Girl Goat Podcast with your host, Valencia Manny. This episode is brokenness. Today we have our special guest here with us, Miss Kai Huntley. Hello, Kai. Hey. She's gonna join in and we're gonna have a girl talk on brokenness and how brokenness affects us in relationships and marriages and divorces. We're just gonna dive right on into this. Brokenness, it can affect us in so many ways. We really can be damaged. And I don't want to say damaged goods. I don't want to call us that. I just think we're brokenhearted, broken from hurt. And myself and Kai, we believe that we can we can be healed.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Exactly. I mean, we know that we all can start off being broken, but we know that that doesn't have to be our end.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

It doesn't have to define us. And for so long, I believe that we think it has to define us, that we feel that we live in it.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

It hinders us and kind of makes us feel like we're stuck at times. We feel like we don't have the ability to move forward.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

It paralyzes us almost like fear. We become very fearful of moving forward. We're not ready. Or we suppress it and we believe that we have dealt with it, and we move forward and take that hurt on to somebody else. In my mindset, I would say you take that hurt on to somebody else, but you're hurting that person because you haven't dealt with it.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

Like you say, yeah, because I can run with that word, a misery do love company. You're not completely healed, so then it's like a dabby-downer. When you come in contact with people, you know, you don't tend to because you're not healed. Right. You're not over it, and so you're moving too fast. You got to slow down.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Hurt people, hurt people. That's it. And this person that can come into your life can be a very good person, they could really bring something uh of value and and really could be, but you're not healed.

unknown 4:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

So you're not able to receive that person, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:09

So I've talked to a lot of broken women, and they declare they have moved on, but once you get to talking to them, you see that their way of moving on has either been in another relationship, they they jumped into another relationship, or they've done something to suppress it. So they really haven't moved on. I I can speak for myself. Hurt is a memory. Whenever that hurt comes back up, I realize that feeling is not gone. If it can come back again and affect me all over again as if it was the first time that it happened to me, then I have to say, you're not healed from this. Right. But you thought you were because what? Because maybe I hadn't dealt with it in a long time, or that situation hadn't arrived to me in a long time. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

But when it comes back up, it comes to remind you that you still broke.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

That I'm still broken.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Right, yes. And I mean, that's funny too, how you say that, because I know that even from my own personal experience too, when I was going through it, or you know, you you tend to shy away from people when you're broken, you want to protect yourself. So you use that as a defense mechanism too, because you just don't want to be hurt. But to you, like you say, I know at times I felt like I'm over it. Yeah, I'm it's been how many years? And so I'm not dealing with that no more. But you slowly become as you meet other people, and like I say, you have the defense mechanisms up when people try to get close to you, you're gonna shy away, you know. And I'm not saying that you're trying to maybe move into something more serious, even just having maybe even a casual, yeah, close casual relationship. You tend to put the guard uh rails up when you sense that that individual may be getting a little close to you, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Right. And and that's and that's when you know that that brokenness is still real and that that hurt is still real because, like you said, you put up those walls so that person can't come close to you. And I know for me, when I was dealing with a the brokenness, I wasn't even trying to let anybody else in. I didn't want to move forward. I was one of those people that was more paralyzing to my brokenness. Like, let me just stay right here because I know this and I feel comfortable in this. So if I stay right here and I know the person I'm dealing with, I don't have to go out and meet somebody else new to bring any type of new hurt to me. I know this hurt. Right. And for some crazy reason in my head, I felt like this hurt cannot get any worse. Just like if you come and you um step on my toe, I know the pain of you stepping on my toe. So if you moved again and I move my toe back, I move it back because I already kind of know that pain. Right. So I can deal with that pain. Right. Because it's known, it's known, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:17

Because the fear of the under that you tend to be like, no, I don't, because I don't know what that this person may do more than just step on my toe. And then how then will I be able to recover? Right. Which from this other person, you have recovered, right? You know, you're still able to function.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

I'm still able to function.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

But then you get it, but then again, it's like, how well are you functioning?

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Exactly. Yes, exactly. And that was the the damage to my brokenness. It was like um, what you call it, the hamster running on the wheel, right? Never get off round and around and around, and that's what I you know. I want us to realize we have to get out there wheel, we have to come out of that that comfort, and we have to know we can heal. You don't have to stay with the same crazy, you don't have to stay broken because this hurt is familiar, this person is familiar. Would you always tell me about familiality? Breaths disrespect. Yes, it breeds disrespect, and it does. And so that just something we have to, as women, we have to be mindful of, and we have to know we can move past it. We can we can be healed from brokenness, we don't have to remain comfortable being broken, you can be healed, and you don't have to remain in that hurt. Yes, that memory, that hurt will bring a memory to you because that's just what hurt does. Even as a child, if you fall off a bike and you remember how that hurt fell. So hurt is it's a memory, and we're gonna remember that hurt. It does not mean that you cannot be healed, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

And one thing I think important to talk about people say, okay, well, how can we be healed from brokenness is the next thing. And to me, you know, you only can be really truly cured or healed, you know, by a relationship, having that relationship with God. Because those of us who know who are spiritual, we know, you know, that God is near the brokenhearted. We know, as it says in Psalms 147.3, that he heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds. So, you know, and not only that, you know, even to what I've learned that even though me and that individual may not be in that particular relationship, whether it be an engagement or a lone boyfriend and girlfriend relationship or marriage, it's not that God may not be able to bring that person back into your life if that's according to his will, but we still have to be able to move forward and trust God through that process. Yes, you know, so you don't have to be stagnant.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Like you say, if it's God's will to bring that person back to you, and you have been broken by that person, hurt by that person, let that be God's will to bring that person back to you. And so you can forgive that person for the hurt that they have brought into your life. Because what you don't want to do is be hurt, and God brings that person back to you, and then you blame and you never forgive the person, and you keep telling the person the same thing that they've done to you over and over and over. Now you're not gonna move to your greatness, exactly, and your relationship is not gonna move to your greatness because you're still living in the past, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:38

And we have to do that, we have to move forward right and allow, like you say, God to bring it back, not you trying to bring it back because our timing may not even be right. We just got to move forward, let God do what he's going to do, and in the meantime, we can continue to love those individuals unconditionally, forgive them, and then at the same time, don't hold them hostage to that. And you will see if it's meant to be, it'll be. That's right. That's right. Come back in God's timing, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:11

It frees you from holding grudges, it frees up the past pain, it frees you in your mind mentally from so much, you're no longer captive to that pain and to that hurt and to the things of the past. If you if and if you decide to reconcile with your partner, with your foul relationship, reconciliation is coming back with a clean slate. So at this point, you should be healed, but you cannot come back broken.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

I mean, that's for either individual, exactly, you know, exactly, because then it's gonna be more hurt and more pain caused because you're still living from the first episode, you know, you have not moved past. And so, like you say, you definitely want to be able to be healed so that you guys both can start off with a clean slate, you know, so that you know that the next time around you have more opportunity of that next time around, it being more successful, yes, you know, and it not going back to those same old habits that caused all of that hurt and pain to begin with. And then taking responsibility also and acknowledging, you know, the fact that you're broken, it has to start there. It has to start there.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

We are strong, but we also are the weaker vessel, and we have to realize and accept it and embrace it.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

Not looked at it in a negative way, you know, being that we're still we're weaker because God made it that way, you know, but not looked at in a negative way, right? You know, that we can't still be great, yes, even though we we are the weaker vessel. So right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Let the man be right.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

The man, right? It's nothing, it's so it's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that we can't shine. Yes. I mean, we hopefully shining. I mean, we we know they can't shine as we shine. And so what they say behind any good man is a good woman, so we gonna shine. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

Um, if we just play our position. If we play our position, we will shine when that man stands before people, when your children stand before it's a whole family standing there. I mean, you look at the woman because you know the woman did all of this.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

We the ones behind the scenes, you know. So you don't always have to be the one out front and see because the woman's behind the scenes, that's usually the ones that's doing all the work. Exactly. It's the blue that holds everything together, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

So just take the position. We don't always have to be in the forefront. We're gonna talk about some signs of brokenness and damage, signs that you might be telling yourself, well, this don't relate to me, and uh, you know, I'm not broken, and I move past that, and I just don't deal with that person anymore. That person is out of my life. Well, there are some signs so you can know what brokenness looks like, so you can really examine yourself, really look deeply within yourself. When that person comes to your face, just think about that person right now, just the image of that person. If you still broken these characteristics, can I call them? If you portray some of these, then yeah, you might want to rethink that.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Right. Like for instance, if if you're a person that's anxious and agitated, moody or angry, you know, and that's not normally your character. And how you would know, you say, Well, yeah, well, I don't I don't see that as being me. Well, this type of hurt, it usually shows itself in a person when they hear a certain love song on the radio, or you looking at old pics through your phone, or just when you see a couple on Facebook, uh Instagram, or in a grocery store and you're feeling some type of way about, oh, look at them, why they looking so happy. Happy that just triggered something in you to show that that's not you. You normally was the type of person would be happy when you saw people together.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

When we see that black love, we should be happy. But if you see that black love and you feel bitter about it, or that's a sign of brokenness, or you say they're not that happy. Um it's a sign of brokenness, you know, because people are truly happy, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

You know, and and we got to stop thinking that people that nobody that everybody's front about being happy, it is some truly, and and you should wonder why, not question so much as whether it's genuine, yeah, you know, but whether or not what did those people do to in order to obtain that. How were they able to maintain that? Yes, you know, what they have because they had to do something to maintain it, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:57

So that's what we should be more interested in versus trying to decide whether or not it's genuine or not, exactly, and you should want to move towards that as with as well, because that bitter and that anger and you paralyzing yourself is gonna keep you captive, you're gonna stay captive, and you thinking, well, I'm not with that person. Well, you're not with nobody, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

You've been by yourself longer than what you care to acknowledge, okay? And it's not a person in sight on radar uh for you as well, you know. And I've just witnessed so many people, so many people that are now by themselves, and not to say that that's a bad thing, but I'm talking about the ones that seems like they're by themselves and it's never crossing over to the other side. And God did design that he that was the one thing that God said that wasn't good. Yeah, man or woman should be alone. So it's different when you taking out the time to be by yourself to kind of recruit and work on yourself, but then to be by yourself because you just you broken and you have not committed to being healed from that, and that's why you by yourself, yes, because you have not done the necessary work to move forward, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:15

That's a difference, that's a difference. We have to work on ourselves, and if you isolate yourself, if that's what you're doing, work on yourself, you know. We have to do that because we want to move forward, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:28

We want to be good for the next person, or you want to be good to reconcile with that person happy with the person who you don't fell out with eventually. If you want that relationship to return, why would the person want to return? And you still that same person, you have not done anything to make the relationship better, right? We only can change ourselves, we cannot change the other person, and so it starts with you, it starts with you, and the healing starts with you, it starts within and it could take you so much farther, you will be a happier person within and without healing.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

Is just it's just good, it's good mentally, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

You can and physically and physically. Some people they found that you know, after you heal, you were able to share some of these pounds, you know, because you're no longer carrying that weight day to day. It starts to make you slug as you start to reflect it, yeah, you know, and as you can see, as you start to heal, you can you can start to shed yes, those things. And then so it gives you, and then you know, even as we're like you say, we're coming up on a new year, yeah, you know, and we we've all come out of a tumultuous 2020, yeah. But 2021 is here now. So the question you can ask yourself is how am I gonna start this year to get past the brokenness and then heal? What steps can I take to commit to that?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

And you know what, we're gonna tell them first look at yourself, examine yourself. I'm not a big person on self-help books, but if you're a reader, then read self-help books to get you there. Ultimately read the Bible, but read books to get you there. Join a group and girl goat hasn't grown to having a girl group where we can meet and talk and better ourselves and motivate ourselves, but you know, eventually down the road, maybe that'll be something we we will have that women can join and grow to their greatness because it's something that we as women we want all of these things. We want the relationships, we want the marriage, we want the things we see on social media, but we don't want to do the work. And I don't know if it's that we don't know how, I don't know if it's that, like you say, we've we're paralyzed in who we have been, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:54

Or is that you just don't want to do the work.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Or you just don't want to do the work because it's hard, ladies.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

It's hard, it is not easy, yes, and we can take that from both of our personal experiences. It's been a long journey, and some days it's hard to try to do what's right and not losing yourself, but you still got to move forward as well. So you're juggling a lot of different things, but just know that it's light at the end of the tunnel. That's what we do want you all to know. Yes, that you can make it through. Yes, you can make it through. Yeah, and you just stay encouraged and do not give up.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Yes. So you've joined us for this episode of brokenness, and we've discussed several characteristics, and we hopefully have told you ways to examine yourself and come out of this brokenness, and also most importantly, trust God, trust God through the process. He's never failed us. No, absolutely. And you can get healed, be around encouraging people. I have a group of encouraging people, and so you just need to have encouraging people around you. I'm not saying, you know, that you gotta go out and change all your friends, but if you're talking to people all the time and then there's no positive encouragement, there's no advice on moving forward out of your state, then you might need to change your circle, your environment.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

And definitely with those people with as it pertains to that subject, your relationship. You know, you have certain friends for certain things. Yes, you know, you just think about you would not call a relationship friend when you're talking about investing your money. Yes, you would call a financial advisor. So you have different friends for different things, and if you are working on marriage or you know, another serious relationship, have certain people around you that can speak to that relationship. And so you can't just put everybody in one big bag and then just think that this person is gonna be the person for all things. No, you had a compartmentalize. Yes, exactly. You want those people that have been in relationships, those people that have maintained relationships, yes, those people that have weathered the storms. That's the type of people that you want to surround yourself with.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Yes. So for those people that's out on social media and browsing through all of the Facebook and all these social media platforms, search those type of groups out. They're out there, they are out there to motivate us. I don't like social media per se, but I use it for the positive. And that's what we have to do. Quit filling our heads and our hearts with all of the garbage. It's a lot of garbage out there, and it can fill your mind up with things that's a waste of time. And so we have to learn how to utilize social media for what it can be for. We say that all the time, but really, really do it and apply it to your life and use those groups and those positive. It's a lot of positive platforms out there, it's a lot of positive videos out there, and let's take those in, meditate, and meditate on what the person is saying and what's out there so you can get it in your spirit, exactly, and be able to apply it.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Yes, more importantly, like you had stated earlier, you can read all the self-help books and and talk to how many up team many people you want. If you're not applying the things that they're sharing with you, then how could you expect different results?

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Any change, no change, there will be no change.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

You gotta start with changing your mind, then that will lead to changing your behavior.

SPEAKER_01 23:45

Yes, and that's even with your friends, even when I've come to you guys about situations, and you know, I'm crying. This this has really hurt me. This is how I want to react, you know, because I'm mad and I want to react this way, and you say, No, not gonna do that. You know, that's not no, you know, it's something totally out of my characteristic, but this is what I want to do, right? So you gotta have those people that's gonna pull you back in and get you to look at the situation and you got like you say, apply it. So if I didn't apply it, I wouldn't have got the good results.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Don't say that, Balencia.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

And you really say, Wait, I'm not gonna say it because they don't call me out and told me that that's not gonna render the results that I'm looking for. Exactly. And that's what we want.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

We want results. We want results. If you want to grow and move forward, you want results. So listen, listen, that's the main thing. That is the main thing. So I want to thank you guys for joining us on this episode of Brokenness with the girl goat and our special guest, Miss Kai Huntley. And I hope you guys tune back in to us at a later date for the next episode. Thank you so much.