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Differently: Stop living by default. Start living by design.
Client Spotlight: Choosing Freedom in the Face of Fear with Bob Parsons
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What if you chose freedom in the face of fear?
Bob Parsons has three decades of experience coaching senior leaders and executives overcome limiting beliefs while leveraging their gifts and leading them to greater levels of performance.
It was a season in his life where he found himself at a choice point of staying with what he knew or leaping into what set his heart on fire and he hired me to help him through this transition.
Listen for Bob's story of overcoming 'survival mode' and choosing bravery in the face of fear and the impact that has had not just in his working life, but in his personal relationships, marriage and financial life too.
Bob shares so many gems about intentional living, powerful communication and reminds us that coaching tools can be applied in all areas of our life to set us free and move us closer to the life we are here to live.
Are you ready to set yourself free?
Enjoy!
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Website: https://www.parsonscoachingllc.com/
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Choosing Freedom
Speaker 1Welcome back to differently . Today's episode is a client spotlight . I want you to meet my client , bob Parsons . One of my favorite parts of my job is having this unique window into people's lives . I felt the important theme of our conversation today and Bob's journey in coaching was choosing freedom in the face of fear . I think you will hear that again and again in Bob's stories .
Speaker 1This guy has impacted my life in a very short period of time . His heart for God , his heart for his wife and family , his heart to serve and his pursuit to do whatever it takes to show up and bring all he has to the moment at hand Can't help but leave you touched and inspired . Get ready , we're gonna cover a lot of ground , from being at a crossroads and afraid to doing the hard thing again and again Intentional marriage and parenting , getting free of his own self-imposed limitations to experience true freedom and more . Be on the lookout for all the little nuggets of wisdom he makes sure to share with you . You might grab a tissue . This one gets real .
Speaker 1I'm Karla Reeves and this is differently . Whether you feel stuck in survival , navigating a change or seeking more for your life , may this podcast be your weekly nudge to take a risk to build a life that is uniquely bold , authentic and in alignment with your deepest values . After a decade of coaching individuals from corporate leaders to creative artists , to multi-million dollar CEOs I'm convinced we are far closer than we realize to what we deeply desire , and it's a willingness to do differently that can change everything . I have a special guest today , and if you've been following the podcast for a while , you can go back . I occasionally do a client spotlight so that you can get a kind of a glimpse behind the mystery of coaching and what actually happens in coaching , and today I have . It's really an honor I get to share Bob Parsons with you , and so , bob , welcome to differently .
Speaker 2Hey , thanks so much for having me . This is a great privilege .
Speaker 1Likewise , so share with the listeners a little bit about where you are in the world and what season of life you find yourself in . Just paint a picture for us .
Speaker 2That's a dangerous question to Bob Parsons . My wife would say never give him the microphone wide open . So I'm gonna do my best . So I have been in this field of talent development , learning , development , coaching since Cal .
Speaker 2Can I remember when I first started in corporate in HR and training , and I just got super curious and I was asked by my boss to design a leadership development program and I had never done it . And my boss said I know you've never done it , but I think you can do it . And I went , okay , well , that's kind of a cool mindset . So I bought a book . I read what's the best way to put together training development program ? So I read it . I followed . It was by Bob Pike . He wrote this back in the . It has to be in the late 80s . Just a neat guy and he really helped me . I mean , he nailed it for me and it was a super easy , practical book . But what was cool is I was doing an assessment and I was gathering the data and I figured out well , there was a need for core components for this journey . So there was this thing called what was it called ? Counseling for performance and when I read the behaviors and what people needed , it sounded like what people had been telling me was a coaching type of a solution . So I went on the hunt . I audited six different deals and I found this one and I'm like can I give them kudos ? Is that okay ? Can I give them ? Yeah , of course . Okay .
Speaker 2Inside out development they got me started on my coaching journey and at the time I was kind of a pseudo HR , slash talent , slash production trainer and I knew I was missing something . I was great 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time was a total idiot because I really was kind of winging it . I knew I was missing something , but I couldn't pinpoint it until I went to this coaching workshop and it was . I had no structure , no intention , no purpose . Purpose to my conversations . I wasn't very planful , I was doing it by the seat of my pants , I was running out of ideas and when I found these tools it was like the heavens opened up and I this was it , this was the ticket . So that's what kind of got me started on the coaching journey .
Speaker 2So I quit for a couple of years . I got one of my own and that's what I got my LLC . And then I wanted to get coach training and so I worked part time for a colleague friend of mine . He was my professor . And so then , once I started that ball rolling , I got one back into corporate as a OD manager and they and I'll never forget Diane , my boss she said , Bob , I want to bring you in for your OD skills , but I want you to introduce coaching to the organization and I want you to coach as if you were being paid by each individual . I will make sure you get clients and customers . You just treat them like a paid customer . And that's right .
Speaker 2I started my journey in terms of this whole coaching deal . I logged over 950 hours there . I got to work with managers and then senior directors and then senior executives , and then I got to work with the executive team and I got to do coaching to our high potential teams and they're , in the individuals and the people in the Thompson School of Executive Leadership , top 35 . I mean , just all these doors opened up and then , yeah , it's just crazy . And then that kind of one thing led to another .
Speaker 2I left Thompson , I went to a small executive coaching firm for about six and a half years and helped develop their executive coaching practice and still was coaching and helping out in that arena . Then I thought , well , I really miss corporate and I was ready for a next challenge . And so I went back into corporate with a large tire manufacturer and I got a lot of great experience . But I knew something was off for me and so one thing led to I was doing coaching . I was coaching high potentials , I was helping with leadership development , but something was missing . So I hired a coach , and I hired one coach who really kind of helped me with my career piece , and then that's about as far as she could take me , and then I hired you , which really helped me take the big leap and deal with my mind traffic around , because I was wrestling with do I go back into corporate after 30 some years , deal with the same old stuff or do I create more freedom in my life ? But I had a lot of fear , and so that's how we got connected .
Speaker 1How we got connected is a different story , but that is so , before we talk about our journey together , I also want you to just touch on your personal life , because I know you have a personal life , that in a marriage that lights you up and is a huge part of your world . So just briefly , fill in that color , okay .
Speaker 2All right . So a listener's just if I start crying . That's just who I am . I'm just very passionate about Family and I got married . I met the woman of my dreams in a Show I was doing . I was in theater , I was in a show and Her roommate told me hey , you got to meet this girl . I know you guys will be perfect for each other . So I I saw her come down after the show and I said I'm gonna marry her and I went . I had three friends who were in the barbershop quartet and I went over to them because they were in the show with me and I said look , you guys do me a favor . I just met the girl I'm gonna marry . I just two songs . That's all I asked . Just let's do two songs . And so we did Jonah in the whale and Coney Allen baby , and that's how I would her . She thought I was weird , but she's also thought I was cute and fun .
Speaker 1That is so awesome . I didn't know that story .
Speaker 2Yep , yeah , that's one of my faves . And then so we'd . We dated three years and then we got married and we said at the beginning we , we want to be intentional parents . And a lot of us , you know , grown up we all would say , you know , our parents did this great , but our parents didn't do that great . But you know , my parents were actually did a great job for how they were enabled , how they were taught and what they had surrounding them . They actually did a pretty good job .
Speaker 2But I wanted to be more intentional . I wanted to be a more intentional and I was a believer , but I was . I was kind of a Not a all-bodd ins believer . You know , christian in Jesus , believe in Jesus . I was kind of walking . I was walking but I wasn't . I was talking but I wasn't doing the walking .
Speaker 2And so when I met Pam , she was the first one who just really called me out on my behavior and my , my hypocrisy and , and so that Lord used her to get me straight . And then we both said we're gonna do this journey and we're gonna do it . We don't have any mentors . Both of our parents were divorced after 25 years . We had nobody really kind of to tell us how to do this raising kids and everything . So we started reading books , I started going to conferences . I'd I'd learned something , I'd come home I try it . And then , after I tried at home , I tried at work and then I figured out man , if it works at home , I know it's gonna work at work , because we're all just babies and big bodies , right , and some of us are just more mature than others . So that was a journey for Pam and I .
Speaker 2We , we have just always been learners and I've been same in my business world . I mean , when I I'm in a job , if I'm in a job longer than two and a half years , I just get the itchy trigger finger . If my job hasn't changed or been molded to be about 30% different or challenging to me , then I start to lose engagement . And so I'm always reading , I'm always going to conferences , and that's where we started to infuse a coach approach to being married and raising a family .
Speaker 2And I , like I took my kids on dates and I'd ask them questions because I had no clue how to be a dad and I wanted to take them out and make them feel special , and the only way I knew that was well , wait a minute . There's this cool question book oh , they talked about this unfocused on the family . Oh , I have a script that can follow . Right , I'm in theater , so I have , I have a guide . And it was amazing what I heard From my kids when I just asked a question and shut up and I've what ? Wait a minute , this is coaching principles . And then my wife . I mean , we've been more . We're gonna be married 41 years this weekend .
Speaker 1Wow , happy anniversary .
Speaker 2Well , I'm gonna say that the coach principles have a lot to do with it , because I learned how to listen better . I'm not perfect , I've still screw up , but I am way better a better listener to my wife then I was when I first got married and y'all you guys listening to this know this is that when your wife gives you a problem , what , what do you want to do ? You want to , and I don't fill in the blank .
Speaker 1You want to fix it .
Speaker 2You're a doer , you're fixer . So I wanted to fix it all the time . And she would say to me again guys , fill in the blank , I don't want to be fixed , I Just want you to listen , exactly , okay . So then I learned to ask the question . I said okay , wait a minute . I don't know when that is , I Can't find that . So I would say to her okay , do you want me to listen or do you want some ideas for how to fix that ? And , of course , when she said , I said , look , if you say listen , I'm all in , I'm a focused male , I'll take out the listing box , I'll put it on the desk and I am totally focused on you . So so then , game changer , game changer .
Speaker 2I hear things that my wife says I'm paying attention to body language , just like I would with clients . I could hear things that weren't being said , but I could hear main messages . And Then my wife and I got married and interested marriage ministry because we had such a passion for Couples who are struggling , couples who just wanted to help .
Coaching's Power in Marriage and Leadership
Speaker 2It's just like a leader leaders just want help . They want a safe place to Unwind and open up their brain and get it on the table without somebody judging them or grabbing something and running with it they never intended for them to do .
Speaker 2And it's the same with marriage . Marriage is just trying to figure out how do we talk to each other , how do we treat each other , how do we meet each other's needs and Bivically based right . If you look at coaching and marriage , it's all biblically based , it's all the same . Jesus asked grace questions and he listened and he paid attention and he was in the moment and so we got into that . And then the beauty now we've been doing this for almost 18 years . We've infused you our marriage mentoring with Cochin , and we've seen it's a lot less stress for us , it's a lot more fun , and we've seen marriages transform in amazing ways .
Speaker 1So awesome I and just Is that what you're looking for ?
Speaker 2Is that what you're ?
Speaker 1looking for . Well , yeah , I just wanted people to get a sense like you were so passionate about these other parts of your life and like you can also hear , that a lot of your life is working really well , and I think even with Cochin , sometimes we think like things have to be falling apart to work with a coach , and a lot of times it's an incredible place when you have a lot of things working and you want to just expand or broaden that or , you know , bring it into a new area of your life , anyway . So I wanted that , but also I want to just give the listeners like a like to let them know that you're gonna come back and we're gonna talk about marriage and parenting could be a fun one too , because you're right , the things . That's one of my favorite things about coaching is that we might be coaching around a business concept , but those concepts you can take into your marriage , into your parenting , into your everyday interactions and apply them and they can start to ripple all over your life . I love that .
Speaker 1So okay . So back to yes , we met in kind of an interesting way and just I mean , I don't think I don't even know if you were really seeking a coach . We just happened to be on the same call and you thought we should connect and we did , and then I thought I was just answering your questions about really being a coach and an entrepreneur and having my own coaching business and then at the end of that call you asked me to be your coach and I was stunned . I had no idea that was coming .
Speaker 2That's how God works , right , isn't that how amazing .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2I mean , by the way , I want to give your listeners some really cool practical tools while we're talking , right , so I want them to be able to walk away from this podcast and say , oh , I can actually do that tomorrow . So , guys , I'm giving you that one tool If you're wrestling with your trying to fix your wife number one it's not your job to fix her , okay , let God do that . Number two just a simple question Okay , do you want me to listen , or would you like me to share some ideas for how to fix that ? And then , when she gives you the answer , you go do it , because that's what you're great at 100% . I love that Tool number one .
Speaker 1Yes , so , bob , give people a sense of where you were when you and I started working together and really what you were seeking to get out of coaching .
Speaker 2Yeah , oh , wow , I think you and I run a webinar and I thought I heard you ask a really great question . I went . Now , the only person who could ask a question like that would be a great , well-trained coach . So I said I need to get connected with her because I was on this journey , carla , that I had figured out it was going to go on my own , but I had I was . I had a lot of fear and so I was .
Speaker 2My job was to interview at least 40 people on my network who are in a similar role that you are on their own . They've been doing this for a while and just asking I bought a lot of coffee , by the way . Here's another tip . Number two people love free stuff . So if you're trying to get somewhere and you know , figure out who can I interview , who can I ask , who's been on this journey before ? To just get their wisdom . And so I mapped out like 12 questions and if your listeners are interested in this , I'm happy to share that but I had 12 questions because I wanted to know from them hey , how did you get started ? Tell me about your journey , what tools are you using ? How are you pricing your service and your product . What else did I ask ? I asked , like , what's your biggest challenge and what is getting in the way of you being even more successful and what does success look like for you ? And I just bought them free coffee . If there was a virtual call , I'd send them a Starbucks card . If it was , you know . Obviously , if it was person to person , which I love , I would just buy them coffee . And they just loved that . They said , oh my gosh , free cup of coffee , I'm all in .
Speaker 2So that's how I got connected with you and I just my intent was just to interview you and ask about your business and I think , if correct , okay , again , I have a great memory . It's just short , but if you remember something different , please fill in the blank . But I think I remember . I remember getting off the call thinking I need a coach . I didn't want to pay for a coach , I couldn't afford a coach right then , but I need a coach . And so you know , after you and I connected a few times , I think I did ask you you know pretty quickly , right , hey , would you be interested in being my coach ? Because I think you had this unique approach . I , in my soul , I could sense this strong , courageous , gentle spirit that's the best way I can describe you is this strong , courageous who wasn't afraid to ask the hard questions , but you did it in what I would call a coach approach , which is a loving way , and so that's how you and I got connected and then , yeah , I was just . That's been a game changer ever since I heard you .
Speaker 1Well , I'm so glad our paths have crossed . And yes , I think
Overcoming Survival Mode and Embracing Change
Speaker 1it was on that site . It was after that second call that we had and you were . You were so prepared , you had so many questions and then at the end you kind of mentioned , like you were , something about coaching and I was so surprised and delighted . It's been an incredible journey . I so you were , you were I'm trying to remember you had already left corporate , you were on your own as a coach and you were just like fearful and a little trepidatious about what to do next and where to go and what to focus on and all of that .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I took yeah , so I had hired a yeah , I'm sorry , I had hired a career coach . And what she helped me understand was yes , I mean I was not going down the path of being on my own . I just said I'm not going on my own . I said it for a long time . I've been there , done that . I don't want the headaches , I didn't want the marketing , I didn't want the selling , any of that . And then then God whacked me in the side of the head and he said and I heard this very clearly when are you going to stop trusting the man and start trusting the man ? And that was the start of the end of my crutch on myself and putting it out there . And I think I remember , yeah , I came to you . Then I said I made the decision , I was going on my own , but I needed to figure it out and I couldn't do it by myself . I had too much mind traffic . I'll call it mind traffic .
Speaker 1Yeah , so we dove right into your thinking right , which is the first place we go , because anytime you want to make a deep change in your life , you've got to examine your thinking , because it really is the foundation , and so would you be willing to share some of the barriers that or components of your survival model that we discovered that were that were getting in your way ? Okay , here we go , so those of you who have this or have these these .
Speaker 2number one was my survival was money . I I always said my biggest fear was getting laid off again . My first coach said to me Bob , wait a minute , you've been laid off . This is your third time . You have kind of gone through a very similar experience with regards to the transformation of the organization going centralized , decentralized and new bosses and new focus and changing priorities . And she said so you wanna go back to that again ? And I said I wanted to say yes , but I couldn't . I just I knew God was saying you , I'm gonna release your grips , I'm gonna help you release your grips . You haven't released them .
Speaker 2You know , it's like you stay with something just because it's comfortable , because it's so hard to change , and sometimes God's get a kick in the rear end . Literally and wacky aside , they had to say all right , I tried to warn you , I tried to tell you now we're gonna do it my way and that's the . That was the one thing like every morning I get up , I pay my bills . Every morning you and I talked about this I go do my checking account before I do my quiet time . And then I was rushing my quiet time and I'm going no , I don't want this . So that was one of my survival modes and I think the other one was control , sometimes like a control of over planning , I think . Is that ? Does that sound right ? I mean , if I could word it right .
Speaker 1Yeah , I think there was an overing , because there was this idea that maybe I'm not gonna measure up or I'm not gonna make it right . So when we have a doubt , sometimes we over over prepare , over give , over deliver .
Speaker 2Yeah , I would , yeah , I think I . I recipped your little book by the way .
Speaker 1I'm glad it's a book of coaching reminders that he's showing in video but you can't see .
Speaker 1Well , I wanna go back to the moment you just landed on , because I so appreciate you being so honest about that and I think that , like when I saw your emotion or felt your emotion , I feel my own emotion and I think people listening can feel that it's like that moment that you . It's that choice point of like do I stay safe and shrink and do what I've always done , which feels safe and comfortable , or do I stretch and do this scary thing without knowing what's gonna happen ? And I think that every time I take that leap , there's something amazing that I didn't expect on the other side , but it does require a lot of courage .
Speaker 2Yeah , you wrote this really well . You put this in words that I couldn't . I had never heard of survival mode before , by the way , until I had met you and I don't . Survival mode , what is that Like ? And I just got this image of my nose just above the water , constantly above the water , and that's no fun to try and stay alive with your nose just above the water because you're still taking in water and you're flailing like crazy .
Speaker 2But you said here , without consciously realizing it , you designed a way to navigate your world in order to survive what was happening around you . It shaped your behaviors and how you showed up in the world . You decided that certain things were so and labeled them as truth . Yep , this model became the default for how you move through life . When living in this model , you feel like you're a surviving , with a constant pull to do more , be better , prove and overcome something from the past . That was you nailed it on the survival mode and that came out after some discussions that you and I had that I didn't know what that was , but once you verbalized that and helped draw it out of me , I was like super clear around . Oh my gosh , I'm trying to control my environment so that , so that I don't get laid off , so that my kids will be great , so that my marriage will be awesome . It was a control kind of a control freak issue .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's you know , it's for most people you know and for people listening you can start to look like for most people . We are living to prove or overcome or survive something and why I love this work so much is that there's a way to live to build something or to create something and that's really aligned with who you are in your soul . And when you can get free of that old model , you can start to live to create and live to build and live to align with what it is you're here to do . And it just removes all that resistance . It removes a ton of stress and pressure and load and I think I saw you lighten yourself up and then you could start to lean into who you naturally are .
Speaker 2When I realized that and I let go , I literally let go and I said okay , lord , I've told you this , I've shared this with you . Here's my two fish and my five loaves . I am not the miracle worker . You are , and if you can get me business , you will be the miracle worker .
Speaker 1So share with people who may not be familiar with the biblical reference there what that means .
Speaker 2Yes , yeah , so in the Bible , Jesus , the feeding of the 5,000 , right . And so in one of the instances he did it twice . And one of the instances he said hey , tell me what you have . There were 5,000 plus people there . Actually they were just counting the men . So if you think about the women and the children , there were probably more like 10,000 being fed .
Speaker 2And they had gathered up what was in the crowd and it was two fish and five loaves . And they're all looking Jesus , you're nuts , I don't know what we're gonna do here , because we gotta send these people home . And Jesus said you go feed them , right ? So he sent them out into the crowd and there were 12 baskets full left over the Lord . Provided they were faithful , they had to go out and go . They're going okay , who's gonna take this fish , who's gonna take that fish ? All , each of us get , you know , a half a loaf or whatever . And they had to go out and be faithful and actually go do . They had to take action of faith , thinking all right , he's gonna do something , I guess . And then they saw this overpouring of blessing to people who were also in need . So not only did he strengthen the faith of his disciples , he was showing up in a mighty way to people in the crowd , 10,000 people who had a need . And it wasn't the disciples , it was the Lord . The Lord did the work .
Speaker 2I went through Stephen Ministry training and I'll never forget one of the things that really resonated with me was they said to us you are not the caregiver , you are the caregiver . You're not the caregiver , let the Lord do that , let the Lord do the work . You don't have to carry that burden , but you walk along with them . That's kind of what coaching is You're walking along with another person on their journey , listening , helping them process , helping them sink through , think through and in a safe , non-judgmental loving I'm gonna use the word love here because you don't hear that very often in corporate A loving way to help people move forward .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's amazing what happens when you feel seen , heard and deeply listened to right .
Speaker 2So that's my two fish and five love story .
Speaker 1Yeah , so you apply that in the sense of , like I'm gonna bring what I can bring to the table and trust that God's gonna work through me to do the rest , and that takes , I imagine , a whole bunch of pressure off .
Speaker 2My wife said after you and I started meeting and I started to get into the , the new , you and I talked about the new .
Speaker 1Being like a new model .
Speaker 2I have my Bob . My wife said to me I have my Bob back .
Speaker 1Wow , you hadn't told me that it's so good . It's crazy , what the mind ? Yeah , go ahead .
Speaker 2That was a powerful statement , because I realized how long I had felt like I was trapped in my own prison . It wasn't anybody that did anything to me and I knew that I had put these truths and the survival model was my prison , and I felt like I had just been given the key for me to walk out of that cell . But I didn't take it for so long , and so now I just I was sleeping better , I was living . I was spending more intentional time with my wife . I was working half the hours . Now , again , if you're working 60 hours , I was working 30 . I was up at 6 am . I was working until 10 o'clock sometimes .
Speaker 2I was a global support person , so I was working with 42 countries . And also , when I took a vacation , I could never relax . I was always thinking about oh my gosh , I'm gonna have 100 emails in there , 150 emails . So I was doing emails on vacation and my wife hated that . And so now I said you help me , you help me get back to my foundation , which was I had always believed that God , first my wife and my kids and family , and then my work , that's the party . But I was living out of whack with what I believed was important to me . I was making and living in a way that made my job more important than anything else , and it was taking over , so I felt like I gotta get out of jail for a couple of hours .
Speaker 1I love that Well , and when you're living out of whack with your values and your nature and there's a huge impact of stress and sometimes physical disease or illness , when we're living out of alignment with that , and the thing about this is that we as humans are so much closer to what we want , Like it can feel so far away . But , like you sharing your story , you can see that you know getting this , realizing that you've been living in this lie . You've been telling yourself this little prison , and we all do it . And you had , you had the key . You just didn't know you had the key . And stepping out , something brand new becomes possible in all , in all areas of your life , and it's just been an incredible joy to watch you step out . And so let's talk about some of the as your thinking started to change . How did that start to change the way you were showing up in these parts of your life ?
Speaker 2Okay .
Living With Intention and Purpose
Speaker 2So on this journey of interviewing all these people right and listening to podcasts , I just dove into . Well , I had some really great relationships that had asked me . I said hey , bob , if you're going on your own we can provide some work for you . And I had two companies say that to me . I said , okay , well , that can kind of be my way to stay in the field . I love the work . I love this work , the talent field , the assessment work , the coaching work , the workshop . Doing workshops was a blast and then coaching individuals and groups and I want to one .
Speaker 2But then I was trying to figure out okay , how do I start this engine right , how do I keep the engine going ? And so I heard a couple of things early on . Number one , I had a mantra that I had been using for many , many years . It was no one ever drifted into excellence , and that's been my mantra since I can remember . I've never verbalized that way , that way , until about the maybe the last six or seven years . But what does that mean ? I think you guys know I said life is meant to be lived fully and unless you are intentional about living that life , you're just going to live a mediocre life . You're not . You're going to miss things . You're going to . Things will be right in front of you and you will miss it because you're not living with purpose and intention . So that's here's tool number two . What's your ?
Speaker 1purpose , I think number three .
Speaker 2Ask your here , okay , never here's . Here's number three . What is your purpose ? Why are you here ? I want you to wrestle with that question . I want you to hire a coach and wrestle with that question for a little bit , because until you answer that question clearly , you are just going to be a boat in a harbor or a boat in a storm , with no anchor , just getting tossed to and fro , to and fro Right and so .
Speaker 1I want to ask you something about that really quick . So this question trips people up a lot , this idea of purpose and I think sometimes it can . It can send people flailing because they feel like their purpose needs to be like something huge , like solving world hunger , and if they're not doing that , it doesn't matter . And so I want to hear what you say about that .
Speaker 2My purpose is to help other leaders , friends , colleagues , family , friends live more intentionally . I want people , instead of just running by the seat of your pants or or reacting from an emotional state , what if you just had a three minutes of reflection time around ? Okay , wait a minute , I'm coming up on this conversation . What do I want to make sure I don't say ? What do I want to make sure I say ? How much am I talking ? I probably need to shut up and listen more , right ? So there's all these little things that are intentional . You build these into your life so that it becomes natural , intentional parenting . I didn't want to . I didn't want to parent by the seat of my pants .
Speaker 2Everybody says to me , bob , there's no book on parenting . Well , actually , there are pretty , some pretty good books out there parenting and one of the best ones I ever read was Key to your Child's Heart by Gary Smalley . Way back , I think this is , I heard this book on focus on the family . And Gary Smalley and , by the way , james Dobson , whether you like him or not , I don't care he was a mentor to me . He was not here , he didn't live here , he lived in Colorado , but I listened to him diligently because that man was a was a strong believer , he was in the Word and he was spot on with regards to how the Bible is your best book for parenting and marriage . I'm sorry , I've read all the books . There's a lot of great stuff and a lot of great books , but it's not . Some of it's not that great . But when you read the Bible about parenting and marriage and relationship , that's what it's a whole thing's about , and and it's consistent from the Old Testament to the New Testament , and anybody who says , well , bob , how could that that Bible ? Here's another little tool for you . Okay , here's my 60 seconds feel 66 books written over 2000 years , written in three different languages , on three different continents , by over 40 different people from different walks of life . You had priests and cupbearers and shepherds and farmers and warriors and generals .
Speaker 2And yet , if you read it , if you really open your mind and read the front end of the back end , from Genesis to Revelation , what does Genesis do ? Genesis is a love story . Revelation is the movement towards that , that restoration of the love story . And if you read that front to cover , it's a consistent theme . Jesus is the only perfect person , right , but people want to , they have a mindset and they have a bias , or they all . I've read bits and pieces of it . It doesn't make it . Well , you can't read bits and pieces , you can't read and pick and choose what you want to believe . It either is or it isn't true , so I don't know . I yeah , I got off . Maybe I got off on that a little bit , you got excited .
Speaker 1It's all good . No , don't be sorry , it's good . There's so much incredible wisdom in In the Bible and in most of the books that you read the gems that you find they . The source was originally in the Bible . It's so true .
Speaker 2Yeah , and so and that's what Gary smile , that's where I was going key to your child's heart . What I read in that book was this analogy of a sea , an enemy , and it was about how do I like if I tick off my kid or I yell or I scream ? How do you reconcile ? Because what happens is over time , and this is what we've discovered with couples who are married and have kids and we did this too is that we would yell at our Kids , we do something wrong , we offend our kids , but we have too much pride and ego to say we're sorry . And even then we say you're sorry , but we don't go to the next step . The next step in defeating and overcoming the ego and pride is Asking for forgiveness , not just saying you're sorry . Here's tool , number , whatever you can call whatever , when you wrong somebody and you know you're wrong them . Well , how does a scene , a scene enemy ? When it feels danger , when it feels unsafe , when it feels threatened , it closes up , tight . It will not open up again until it feels safe .
Speaker 2And I'll never forget my son was six years old and I yelled at him . I yelled and look , I can yell , I'm a theater major , okay . And I yelled and he just curled up into a ball and ran to his room and started crying . And my wife looked at me and she gave me that look that all husbands hate . I Hate that look . Stop it . So it's the look of you screwed up . I gonna fix this thing .
Speaker 2And so I had read in the book how do I do this , lord ? How do I ? How does it ? How does the Lord asking of me he's asking for me to get on my knees , ask for forgiveness , say I'm sorry and repent and say I'm gonna be different ? So I went into the room you know , I was really stubborn and he's six years old and he's curled up in a corner and under his bunk bed and I said Aaron , dad screwed up and he's facing the wall . Okay , he's facing the one . I said . I said dad screwed up , I shouldn't have yelled at you , that was wrong , I am so sorry . And I said he didn't do anything until I said Will you forgive me ? Immediately turned around , gave me a big hug . I looked .
Speaker 2I love you , dad . That's how . That's the whole key there is . What can I do To make sure my kids and my wife feel safe ? This isn't work Today in this world , we feel less safe than ever . And who do you have in your life who makes you feel safe , that you can say anything to and you know it's not gonna go anywhere , they're not gonna judge you , but they're gonna really love you and they're gonna love you unconditionally . I'll never forget what of the coaches ? One of the coaches that I worked with way , way back said to me in my coach training . Frankly Said to me Bob , you can , you can say anything to anybody If you do it from a heart , in an attitude that you really care and you love that person . And I went , wow , because there's some people are really hard to love . But your words , your body is all gonna follow where your heart and your attitude are . It doesn't matter if you didn't say anything , if we can still see that you don't like me .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah . Well , in the , the conflict , you know conflict is gonna happen , but one of the most important things is what happens after that , and that's what you just described .
Speaker 2So we made it all the difference . We said . We said from now on , being sorry is not enough . When you're ready , you know if you wronged your brother , you wronged your sister , you wronged your mother . When you're ready and it's , we're not gonna get anywhere until you have said look them in the eye and said I am really sorry , I Did you wrong , I pushed you off the deck and will you forgive me that was one of my sons . He did that to his sister , yeah so good .
Speaker 1So , coming back to our journey , are there any like Key pieces that stand up for you that would give people a snapshot of you know what actually happened and yeah , yes so .
Speaker 2So the first one was no one drifted into excellence , that was really even Pam . And I will say when you're married , are you living intentionally ? Are you living on purpose ? Do you know what's important to you ? And I need you to , I would say , encourage you to figure that out . I did that way back in 1987 as I went through a workshop that helped me design my mission and my vision . I pulled that out , I still have it and it listed all the things that I wanted to do and I read this back to my wife . I said what do you think she goes ? You live , that , that is you . I like a list of 27 things that this isn't like a three , this isn't a two week or three month fix , folks , and I talk about a fix . We're talking about major surgery . If anybody knows about major surgery , I do . I had quadruple heart my past Five years ago and I know what that involves . It's . It's a total change on the inside Right . So the second thing was I heard this podcast and it was Tim Scherer , I think , and he had worked for Donald Miller and Johnny Keff was interviewing him . And here's what stood out to me here he said Bob and he didn't say Bob , but I heard Bob . Right , I heard Bob . He was talking on the podcast .
Finding Success Through Helping Others
Speaker 2What if success was all about helping the other person win ? I Stopped that podcast and I just paused . I was like it was like you ever had a moment where the Lord just fires an arrow through your soul and you feel it everywhere . That's what happened to me and that I said you know what ? That's what I need to do . I don't wanna sell anybody , I don't wanna market to anybody . I wanna help other people win . So , for example , when I did these interviews , I would ask it . At the end I said look , I wanna help you , I wanna help you win . What can I do for you ? What kind of client are you looking for ? What do you need to be successful ? Not just in my brain , and I can tell you many times I've referred people to other people because I'm not the right person for you , because I knew that was a need and that's how they wanted to win .
Speaker 2I'll give you the most recent example here . I am in an association here , a town home association I don't know if you know this story and we had an incident where one of the owners in our association , over a year , had gotten to such a height and a state over something very silly in the association that they were both willing to go to court . That means the association would be spending association money to go to court and that the homeowner would be spending , you know , a certain amount of money having to go to court and I'm like we shouldn't be here . So I talked to the homeowner and even the associate . I said I want to help , I want to help you guys win . And so they both invited me to arbitrate a meeting on a Sunday afternoon and they said oh Bob , I don't know . I don't know if this is going to be enough time . We got an hour and a half , but I said we'll be okay , just trust me , we'll see what happens . I said I'm gonna be . So I brought my flip charts . I brought my flip charts with me and I said hey , when you're both here , I said you know you had the two association people sitting on the one side . They're both very , very amazing people . They're both very , very cool , and the owner is very cool person . And I said I want to help you find a win-win and I'm going to use some structure and a process to help you think through this .
Speaker 2I just took a culture approach to the conversation , started writing down . I gave them all a chance to kind of share what their perspectives were . I got that , I summarized it on a piece of , on a big flip chart paper and I got it all synthesized and then we brainstormed and within an hour and 15 minutes we came to an agreement . And hour and 15 minutes we came to an agreement they were both happy with . And I got them to specific date stamp . I wasn't date stamped right away , it was stamped that it within a week they would have this agreement and they would both sign it . And they did five major . They did follow through . They did follow through . So no more money spent , legal fees . Plus , we have to live with each other . I mean , you go to court with somebody in your neighborhood who's only , it's only like us , it's a small association . You're living like three houses from the people you just sued . How's that gonna go for you for the rest of your life ? Not gonna be fun .
Speaker 2So that was the second thing I'd say was the big , the big hit . And then the third thing you and I discussed I would say was another big arrow through the soul , which was you said , bob , what if you made room for the new ? What if you and we talked about the wine skin ? Because I had just heard a sermon or something and it was resonating . This is how God shows up , right , you would say something and it would resonate . Or I would say something that would resonate with something that we heard in a sermon or we read in the scripture or we had in our quiet time , and it just resonated with . What if you made room for the new ?
Speaker 2How is it working that if you're doing the same old thing trying to do something different and it wasn't , I was trying to take new wine and put it into old wine skin . That's another biblical principle you can look that up is that no new wine has to go into new wine skin , because what happens with the skin is it stretches and so when you put the new wine in , it will break and tear and leak . That's why every you know back then had to go into new wine skin and so that was a . Okay . I need to do some things differently . I need to step out and take some risks . I need to do some more homework . I need to figure out my focus and my niche and who my audience is . So that was that was you help me . You help me with that to unlock that .
Living in Alignment and Finding Purpose
Speaker 1Well , and watching you I mean watching you step out of that old survival model and step into the new , and you started changing your habits around money and you started like resisting the urge to have to watch it every day and you started putting your attention . You know like you're talking about , living intentionally . You had this vision for your business and for your wife you and your wife and your lifestyle to really make this a go , and you started aligning everything to that and your actions started to follow that . And then , all of a sudden , it's like all the work has come to you . You've never had to go out and get it . You can hear , listening to Bob Tuck You're so incredibly talented at what you do . You have you naturally build incredible relationships and , like once you started to lean into all of this , there was so much more ease and joy in what you were doing and you haven't had to do any of those things that you know compromised your values to grow your business . It's naturally aligned to who you are and it's been incredible to witness .
Speaker 2You just said something that's critical alignment . When you are feeling stressed or angry or frustrated , it's like a car Something's out of alignment . When you feel a little bit of a turn or you feel a rougher ride below the floor of the car , something's out of alignment , Something is . It's all supposed to be working together . It's all supposed to be working side by side , Not out in front , not behind , but all working in a perfect alignment . And my purpose and my beliefs and my faith and my values were out of alignment at times in my work and I wanted to get back in alignment . Now that I'm in an inline , I'm a 100% . Look , I'm not saying perfect , a 100% doesn't mean perfect , but I'm a 100% in alignment with where I'm going and what I'm doing . I mean , I think you would agree this is . You preach this every day .
Speaker 1Yeah , absolutely , and it's so . I mean people think they have to change who they are . I have clients say that all the time , like I feel like I need to be different . And it's not about that . It's actually about becoming more of who you are and getting rid of all the crap that causes you to behave in ways that are out of alignment for you . And when you start getting in alignment , there's more ease , there's more flow , there's more peace , there's more joy , and it's just been a joy to watch you and just see you come to life , like even on this podcast . I mean you're talking about doing your own podcast , bob . I'm seeing it . It's right there , like you're a natural .
Speaker 2I know I know People say , bob , here's a major decision I made when I got married . This is my intentional . I had been a fake Christian , I had been living one life during the week and one life on the weekends . And when I met my wife , she was the first one who was honest and real with me and she was the first one I had seen who really walked her faith . And I said I want to be like her . She's my hero . And I was in theater and I said I'm going to be an actor .
Speaker 2I started . I quit football because I was a big baby when I was a 10th grader and instead of playing 11th grade , I said I'm going to do something else , I'll show you people . So I went into theater and I was very successful . But I was all full of myself . It's really tough to be in that arena and not be full of yourself . And so I went to college and I got leads . I had like seven or eight leads out of 13 major productions from like my junior year to my second year in college .
Speaker 2And when I met my wife , the Lord said to me you are not going to be in theater , it's not a life for you . You will ruin your life , your personality . You won't be able to do it and so I want you to quit . And I went . I cried in my bed in my dorm when I heard the Lord say that , but it was he goes , bob , if you just walk in obedience , I will use what you have done for good , for my glory , and think about being fully present , attending to the audience , understanding your surroundings , being fully present in the moment and not nothing else is getting in the way . But you are in . You are all in the character , you are all in life . That I mean like what you see in here . Right , you guys can't see me , but my face is super expressive . Yes , and I talk with my hands . If you take my hands together , I explode . But I had . This is what's cool .
Speaker 2God has given me so many opportunities to use those giftings that he drew out of me in my early theater years around my presence and my just being with my kids , or being all in turning my phone off when I'm at dinner with my kids or when we're playing cards . Now that we have family , the others , we put all our phones . We say in the basket . It's in the basket . We all want to be fully present . That's what living in full alignment is . It's not just for a , two , three years or three months , it's for life . It's ongoing , like what's that little thing that you hang from the wall with a little make sure the walls are straight . You know you hang it . Oh , what's the word ? I can't remember what the word is .
Speaker 1A level A level A level .
Speaker 2No , it's not , it swings it swings .
Speaker 1It's got a lead bow on the bottom . Oh shoot , I don't know , can't help you .
Speaker 2But anyway it brings you back . It brings you back your purpose and what your intentionality is , the anchor to your soul , so you can get recalibrated . You helped me , it was all there . You said it , bob , it's all there . You helped me recalibrate and get back to what was important and living that and being more intentional about saying it and living it and behaving in a and holding me accountable . Look , I'm not perfect . Like I got up this morning I went to pay bills because I got up early and my wife got up and sat on the couch because she knows what you and I have talked about and she said are you doing your finance stuff Caught you , and she didn't have to say anything else . I said , well , we'll have extra time and she's like , oh God , darn it . So you know she's good .
Speaker 1Look , I'm not perfect , but we slip , that's right , we all slip back . But then you have a choice . I just wanted to no ?
Speaker 2yep , I do . I'd have a choice . How do I want to show up Right ? How do I want to show up in life ? How do I want to show up today ? And you've said many times how do you want to show up with each of your clients ? How do you ? Who do you want to be when you're with your client ? And just helping me verbalize that . That's one of the great benefits of a coach .
Speaker 1So good , so good . It has been such an honor to support you , my friend . Such an honor , thank you . I feel like I've been equally impacted by you . Hey , make me a coach cry , it happens . I want you to share . Where can people find out about the work that you're doing ? Anything you want to share ? Yeah , so they can see what you're up to .
Speaker 2Yes , look , I told my wife , by the way , one more thing I'll leave you with . I've told my wife this probably a dozen times over our marriage , you know , like after 10 years , after 15 , after 25 , after 35 , after 40 , I even told her the other day . I said , if I died today I'd be a happy man . I would feel I gave it everything I could and I stayed the course , as Jesus said . I want Jesus to say well done , good and faithful servant , right , that's what we all want to hear , want to hear the end . Anybody who doesn't believe in Jesus , look , if you think their world came by happenstance , okay , and then you give me Jesus and you give me that . If I have to pick , I'm sorry , I'm going with the Jesus thing and I've got a better shot , because if I'm wrong , no big deal , but no , if I'm wrong , but if I'm right , big payoff .
Speaker 1That's so terrible Okay .
Speaker 2Www sorry , wwwparson'scoachingllccom is where you can get ahold of me . You can have a free discovery meeting with me . I'm not going to charge you with for that , just kind of if you just want to hear a little bit more about this coaching thing , or you know , I've never had a coach before . How does this work ? And I'm happy to talk to you about that . So www Parson's with an S P-A-R-S-O-N-S coaching LLC . All one word , all lowercasecom , and you'll be able to reach me there . That's probably the best way . And also LinkedIn . You can get me on LinkedIn , bob Parsons , just like a Bob Parsons executive coach , and that's like that's a good way to get ahold of me too .
Speaker 1Awesome . Also , check out his shift 360 . If you're a leader and have a team , this is incredible work he's doing around the shift 360 . So check that out . Bob , you're so great . I just enjoy spending time with you . So fun . I always laugh , I think , I always cry and I leave impacted . Thank you , and I know the people listening are too .
Speaker 2Thanks for inviting me again .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2We'll do it again . Cool , thanks again .
Speaker 1Carla . Hey , thanks for tuning into this episode of differently . I hope it stirred your thinking and I invite you to take one inspired action from something that stood out to you . If you want to hear more conversations like this , be sure to hit follow on your favorite podcast app , and if this episode could impact someone you know , please help us spread the word and pass it along . Remember new episodes drop weekly . See you next week .