Ever wondered why introverts and extroverts seem to communicate so differently? In this enlightening episode of the Quiet and Strong podcast, host David Hall explores the fascinating world of communication styles between introverts and extroverts. Sharing clips from his introverted and extroverted guests on previous episodes, David uncovers the diverse ways individuals process and share their thoughts, whether it's thinking before speaking or speaking to think.
Listeners will learn the importance of recognizing and embracing these natural differences to enhance both personal and professional relationships. Key takeaways include understanding the concept of internal vs. external processing, how to prepare for social interactions, and practical strategies for becoming a confident communicator.
By tuning in, you'll gain insights into the nature of introvert and extrovert communication, discover tools to navigate these dynamics effectively, and learn how self-awareness and empathy can lead to stronger, more meaningful connections. So join us, celebrate your unique communication style, and be strong.
Episode Link: QuietandStrong.com/175
Link to Laurie Helgoe's book, "Introvert Power"
Link for Episode 122 with Laurie and Baron Helgoe: QuietandStrong.com/122
Link for Episode 173 with Todd Weinstein and Jenn Kaye: QuietandStrong.com/173
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David Hall
Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster
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David Hall [00:00:08]:
Hello, and welcome to episode 175 of the Quiet and Strong podcast, especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall. I'm the creator of quietandstrong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally, we'll learn each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform, leave a review, or a rating. That would mean a lot to me and help others find the show.
David Hall [00:00:37]:
Tell a friend about the podcast. Help get the word out there. The introversion is a beautiful thing. So a big epiphany for me was when I was getting certified to give the Myers Briggs type indicator. The facilitator said introverts think and then speak. Extroverts speak in order to think. This was a light bulb moment for me. Yeah.
David Hall [00:01:01]:
I could recognize this in myself and I could see these patterns and introverts and extroverts around me. But I hadn't understood this before. And without this understanding with introverts and extroverts, you can have a lot of problems in communications. Introverts naturally process their world internally and extroverts process their world externally. And there's often misunderstandings around the differences between introvert and extrovert communication. Introverts are carefully processing their thoughts inwardly most of the time and sharing what is most important. Extroverts in general are sharing most everything and neither is right or wrong, but understanding our natural differences can make for improved and confident communication. So recognizing these differences allows us to understand our communication styles and better appreciate the perspectives of others.
David Hall [00:02:03]:
It's important for introverts to give themselves permission to think before responding, taking time to organize their thoughts. For extroverts, understanding that not everyone processes information out loud can lead to them creating space and conversation for their introverted friends and colleagues. So on the podcast, I've had 2 different pairs of introverts and extroverts. One was a married couple and the other were business partners. To listen to them really shows the contrast between communication styles and how these communication styles are very natural, but often misunderstood. In both cases, the introvert and extrovert have learned to understand and appreciate and leverage these differences, which I also call gifts. So doctor Lori Helgo, she's a clinical psychologist and author of introvert power. If you've listened to the show before, you may have heard me talk about introvert power as it was instrumental in me coming to fully embrace my introversion.
David Hall [00:03:12]:
One of my key takeaways from this great book was the introverts make up about half the population. Many people don't understand what introversion is and think that this number is too high. But the truth is there's many different types of introverts, and what we have in common is this inward processing and deep thinking, but there's many other nuances to our personalities. The other takeaway is in the title that there is power or great strength with introversion. So Lori's been married to her extroverted husband, Baron, an attorney for 40 years, and they have recently created the Incompatibles podcast where they have some great back and forth about their differences largely between introversion and extroversion and some other things. And it's definitely something that they had to work through in the course of their married life. I have them on the podcast in episode 122. There are some great back and forth between Laurie and Barron and a great illustration of how our communications differ between introverts and extroverts and how it is very natural.
Barron Helgoe [00:04:27]:
Well, it's interesting because we were interviewed a little while ago for an article in journal. And when the and the the question is, what is it like for somebody who's quiet and somebody who talks a lot? And I said that I sometimes feel like I'm visibly aging between the sound of my last word and my lovely wife's reply. And that is there's this interminable, you know, stretching void, you know, at the end of when I'm talking, and then she starts to talk. So that creates conflict. I absolutely love, David, you know, the process of talking, you know, like, Lori talks about, like, ping pong. Like, I'll hit the ball and you put it back. So for me, a conversation and ideas developed through conversation isn't come, you know, birth whole at the moment you speak. So I like that process.
Barron Helgoe [00:05:13]:
I think it's energizing, it's fun, and it's a way humans interact for me, and that's the most enjoyable part.
Laurie Helgoe [00:05:19]:
Yeah. I
Barron Helgoe [00:05:20]:
don't wanna just create, you know, something and go, here it is, then walk out of the room and let other people think about it. So, yeah, that creates conflict. Sure.
Laurie Helgoe [00:05:29]:
Yeah. You know, what I found in the research is that extroverts really like to seek rewards out in the environment. And I see that with Barron. He wants feedback. He wants to know what I'm thinking. He wants that interactive stimulation. And for me, I want enough room to develop my thoughts.
David Hall [00:05:48]:
So for Barron, he is generally thinking out loud and processing out loud. It's the way he prefers to form ideas. He wants an active and robust back and forth in conversation. Meanwhile, Laurie is processing her thoughts and is sharing those thoughts that she feels are the most important. Again, neither is right or wrong, but what a great example of our differences and how we need to understand our differences. Go back and check out episode 120 2 for more from Baron and Lori Helgo. So that's a great example of a married couple or a family relationship. And in episode 173, I have a great example of a work relationship.
David Hall [00:06:33]:
Todd Weinstein and Jen k are business partners. Together, they run CCP Journey, which stands for communicating with confidence and presence. They facilitate workshops on communication. Todd is an extrovert, and Jen is an introvert. They have found these differences to be complementary, but they did have to work through those differences for understanding. Let's listen to this clip from episode 173.
Todd Weinstein [00:07:02]:
Yeah. For me, it's the other way around. Right? I'll say something. It doesn't quite make sense. And then in conversation through others, it starts to make sense. I'll think about that. And then I'll speak more. So I I definitely notice that difference when and Jen and I work differently and yet complimentary ways.
Todd Weinstein [00:07:20]:
She recognizes sometimes I'm gonna bring a lot of words into the mix. And I recognize sometimes just staying quiet and thinking about what she's saying rather than just immediately responding has been helpful too on my best days.
David Hall [00:07:35]:
Yeah. And I don't know about you, Jen, but I want the things I say to make sense the first time around. Or you tend to be like that?
Jenn Kaye [00:07:44]:
David, I am so much like that, and I'm laughing. So I one of my signature processes is how to communicate better in 10 words or less. And the process, it's 5 steps. The process actually allows you to internalize and connect with what's happening for you. It's what I call bridging that magical gap between what you think, what you feel, and then the words that actually come out of your mouth because I do need that I I I want to be clear.
David Hall [00:08:10]:
So Todd is thinking out loud, and it gives him energy. He wants to process ideas verbally and with others. Jen is going to internally process her ideas and share them succinctly. 10 words or less as she says. If you haven't already, I recommend that you go back and listen to this great episode for more great insights on communication from Todd and Jen, while recognizing what they bring as an introvert and an extrovert. In social settings, introverts might prefer smaller groups or 1 on 1 interactions or deep connections can flourish, whereas extroverts may thrive in larger gatherings that offer diverse interactions. Respecting these preferences helps build more comfortable environments for all. At work, teams comprising of a mix of both types often benefit from balance with extroverted members, driving discussions forward quickly and energetically while introverted members offer thoughtful insights after reflective consideration.
David Hall [00:09:20]:
Leaders skilled in managing various traits within their teams foster an inclusive environment by valuing each member's unique approach. Do you know how to be comfortable in your communication with your unique style? Ultimately, self awareness is crucial. Knowing your own tendencies helps you navigate interpersonal dynamics effectively. What are your gifts? What do you need? And while we all need to be self aware beyond that, we need to be aware of others. Equally important is empathy towards those who differ from you. Those who differ from you actively listening and making accommodations pave the way for stronger relationships personally and professionally. So here are 8 ways that will help introverts be confident in communication. So again, starts with self awareness, self awareness and awareness of others.
David Hall [00:10:19]:
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Are you most often processing information internally or externally? Of course, get to know your strengths and needs as an introvert and come up with your strategies for success. They may look different from an extrovert in your life or even another introvert. It's the theme of this podcast as we have guests talk about their strengths and needs that they've discovered as an introvert and how they lean into their strengths and honor their needs to find success in particular areas. Do an assessment like the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. This will tell you about introversion and extroversion and some other factors in your personality. Read a good book like Laurie Helge's Introvert Power, or check out my book, Minding Your Time, Productivity, Time Management, and Success, especially for introverts. Second thing, learn to embrace silence. It's normal.
David Hall [00:11:14]:
As introverts are gathering their thoughts, there may be pauses while they are speaking. Pauses to reflect, pauses to think. People can get really uncomfortable with the pause and immediately start speaking just to try to fill the void. Learn to be comfortable with the silence and don't make it awkward. Remember if there's silence, you're not the only one. Sometimes as an introvert, it can be very helpful to say things like, give me a moment to think about that, or simply say, I'm thinking about that. And then the next thing, prepare in advance. Preparation is a key to introvert success.
David Hall [00:11:52]:
We think deeply and our superpower is not usually thinking on our feet. We like to take some time and ponder things deeply. This isn't only a need, but it's a great strength that introverts can give problems, for example, a lot of thought. An introvert deep in thought can come up with some innovative and creative ideas and solutions. So remember to prepare before entering a social situation or a meeting. Take time to outline key points you want to discuss. Make sure you have the meeting agenda ahead of time. I like to make my own notes before I go into a meeting.
David Hall [00:12:32]:
What points do I want to make? What questions do I have? Do I need to do any research? Preparation can alleviate anxiety and provide a sense of control. Of course, it depends on the topic as to how well you can think on your feet. If it's something that you've given a lot of thought to, or you're an expert in, thinking on your feet may come much more naturally. I like to joke that I can speak all day about introversion. Preparation can reduce anxiety and increase confidence. Remember, do your best preparation for the meeting, presentation, speech, conversation, but know you can't prepare for everything, so be kind to yourself. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is essential in building confidence and communication. Ensure that you're not stretching yourself too thin by scheduling downtime after social interaction to recharge effectively.
David Hall [00:13:32]:
Set boundaries, and know your limits, and take necessary breaks to recharge. It's okay to step away from conversations or give myself an hour before so I can get in the right frame of mind, and I give myself an hour before so I can get in the right frame of mind, and then I give myself an hour after to recharge if I need to. I may have just had an awesome conversation, but still need to take a break after. Do you know where you can plug in preparation time and then recharge time prior to various events and interactions? And then the next thing, practice active listening. Sometimes I hear that introverts make excellent listeners. I believe this is true, but at the same time, I think it's important that we actually are practicing active listening. It should never be assumed that someone is listening just because they're not talking. So we can be good listeners.
David Hall [00:14:30]:
Pay attention to what others are saying without planning your next response. I know that's definitely a hard thing for me to do. This shows respect and helps build stronger connections. Make eye contact, nod an agreement as appropriate, and summarize points back to the speaker to ensure you've understood them correctly. And practice mindful communication. Be fully present during interactions, and this can significantly enhance your communication skills. Avoid multitasking and distractions when engaging in a conversation. If you're talking to someone in person, put your phone down, pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues and respond thoughtfully.
David Hall [00:15:11]:
What's the purpose of the conversation? If it's a conversation, make sure that you are having a conversation and assert your points and your ideas into the conversation. Again, with active listening, it needs to go both ways. Maybe you have a friend that's really going through something and all they really need is a listening ear. You can be clear about what's the purpose of this conversation. What's the point? For example, my wife and I were both excellent problem solvers and sometimes one has to say to the other, hey, I just need you to listen to me, and I'm not looking for a solution to this particular problem. Another important thing in being confident communicators is mastering small talk. Introverts in general prefer deep conversation over small talk. I definitely struggled with small talk earlier in my life.
David Hall [00:16:05]:
I didn't really enjoy it and I wasn't very good at it. The truth is it is often needed to get to those deeper conversations that we wanna have. So while I might not enjoy making small talk about the weather, it may be necessary to talk about how hot it's getting before I can move into the mysteries of the universe. Small talk can be a struggle for introverts and it's a frequent topic on this show. Check out episode 95 with Rich Gallagher for some great tips and advice when it comes to small talk. So just briefly here, you can get better at small talk. I've gotten better and sometimes I enjoy it. Again, it's necessary to be able to move on to those deeper conversations that we wanna have.
David Hall [00:16:52]:
If you're going to a networking event, think in advance. What are some talking points I have? What's some exciting news you wanna share about your business or personal life? Maybe your daughter just graduated from high school and you're a proud parent. What's going on out there in the world that you could talk about? Or maybe what's going on out there in the world that you shouldn't talk about. Maybe you're in the buffet line and you can talk about what's being served. Small talk skills are extremely important for many situations, but remember you can also seek out like minded people and build relationships with individuals who share your similar interests that you can go deep with. Maybe you wanna talk about philosophy in our existence. Maybe mostly this is too much for most networking events. Or maybe you're obsessed with growing your business and you want to dive deep into the latest marketing strategies.
David Hall [00:17:50]:
Maybe you want to talk about the latest Marvel movie or all the Marvel movies. Not everyone's going to share your same passions and the deeper things. And you want to look for those like minded individuals that you can have those deep conversations with. And even with the like minded, you may have to start with small talk. So work on your non verbal communication, your body language, facial expressions, gestures, and eye contact all play critical roles in how your message is received. Practice using positive body language that compliments what you're saying verbally. As introverts, our emotions don't always match our non verbal communication. Maybe you're happy, but not smiling.
David Hall [00:18:36]:
Remind yourself to smile occasionally, whether you're in a conversation or in a zoom meeting. Additionally, ensure that your posture is open and approachable, and this can make you seem more engaged and interested. Use hand gestures to emphasize points, but keep them natural and not overly exaggerated. Pay attention to the body language of others as well. Remember to maintain eye contact, which conveys confidence and attentiveness. By aligning your nonverbal cues with your words, you can enhance the clarity and impact of your communication, making interactions more effective and pleasant for both you and your conversation partners. And remember, give yourself grace and give others grace. Embrace mistakes as learning opportunities.
David Hall [00:19:30]:
Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including seasoned communicators. Q and E missteps as opportunities for learning rather than as failures, which will help you lessen anxiety around potential slip ups. Remember, a superpower is an introvert. You are a master reflection. Look at your experiences through an appreciative lens, celebrate the good and reflect on how you can get even better. Something else I have found very helpful as to remind myself, I'm not perfect, but nobody is. And always celebrate your strengths. Always celebrate your strengths that come naturally to introverts, but just thoughtfulness and deep thinking instead of trying to mimic extrovert behavior.
David Hall [00:20:12]:
So it starts with understanding your strengths and needs when it comes to confidence and communication. Once you have this part mastered, you can continue to learn about further aspects of communication and how to have your voice heard while hearing the voice of others. We've had some great guests and episodes dedicated to public speaking, presentation, storytelling, and much more. The goal of the podcast is for you to be quiet and strong. The quiet part doesn't mean shy. It means you're thoughtful and have a rich inner world. Great gifts come from this rich inner world. You can be an extremely confident introvert and keep in mind that your style will differ.
David Hall [00:20:53]:
Success isn't measured in word count. And I've come to realize I'll never say as much as most extroverts. By integrating these strengths into your routine, you'll gradually build strong interpersonal communication skills that will benefit both your personal and professional life. By embracing these strategies, introverts can enhance their communication skills while staying true to their national temperament. By bridging these gaps through mutual understanding and appreciation of diverse approaches to communication, we enhance our collaboration and enrich our, and we enrich our interactions with others in meaningful ways. So thank you so much for joining me. I appreciate you. I hope you take the time to explore other episodes and learn from our amazing guests.
David Hall [00:21:43]:
Remember, if you're interested in getting to know yourself better, there's now a free type finder personality assessment on the Quiet and Strong website. This free assessment will give you a brief report, including the four letter Myers Briggs code. I'll add a link in the show notes, and I'd love to connect with you. Reach out at david@quietandstrong.com or check out the quietandstrong.com website. Send me topics or guests you would like to see on the show. There's so many great things about being an introvert, and we need those things to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.
