Picture the most exhilarating yet daunting rollercoaster you've ever been on—that's the tale you're about to hear, but with the added twist of love's complexities and the shadows of addiction. Join me as I peel back the layers of a breakup that felt like a theme park ride gone awry, complete with sleep-deprived drives and a battle against hot sauce-induced pain to stay awake. The chaos didn't end there; I'll take you from the dizzying 'puppy love' stage to the soul-searching conversations with family that helped me navigate through the fog.
Our emotional landscape often hides the true extent of our struggles, like a silent undertow. This episode sees me confronting the real pressures that money and social media can exert on relationships. From the confined intimacy of a budget Airbnb escape to the eye-opening discussion with my aunt, I lay bare the financial and online habits that insidiously strain the ties that bind. As I share the jarring realization of these relationship tremors, feel the tension, the raw revelation, and the ultimate pursuit of balance that many of us wrestle with in our own lives.
Lastly, let's talk about the courage it takes to face our demons, particularly when they coil around our most vulnerable moments. I'm pulling back the curtain on the silent struggle with a porn addiction that many shy away from discussing. Alongside that, we'll explore the hustle of content creation on a dime, the relentless push for audience engagement, and the wild stories that I'm ready to share. If you're braced for a no-holds-barred conversation that mixes personal growth with gritty determination, then strap in—you're in the right place.
Picture the most exhilarating yet daunting rollercoaster you've ever been on—that's the tale you're about to hear, but with the added twist of love's complexities and the shadows of addiction. Join me as I peel back the layers of a breakup that felt like a theme park ride gone awry, complete with sleep-deprived drives and a battle against hot sauce-induced pain to stay awake. The chaos didn't end there; I'll take you from the dizzying 'puppy love' stage to the soul-searching conversations with family that helped me navigate through the fog.
Our emotional landscape often hides the true extent of our struggles, like a silent undertow. This episode sees me confronting the real pressures that money and social media can exert on relationships. From the confined intimacy of a budget Airbnb escape to the eye-opening discussion with my aunt, I lay bare the financial and online habits that insidiously strain the ties that bind. As I share the jarring realization of these relationship tremors, feel the tension, the raw revelation, and the ultimate pursuit of balance that many of us wrestle with in our own lives.
Lastly, let's talk about the courage it takes to face our demons, particularly when they coil around our most vulnerable moments. I'm pulling back the curtain on the silent struggle with a porn addiction that many shy away from discussing. Alongside that, we'll explore the hustle of content creation on a dime, the relentless push for audience engagement, and the wild stories that I'm ready to share. If you're braced for a no-holds-barred conversation that mixes personal growth with gritty determination, then strap in—you're in the right place.
Hello, hello everybody. Sorry for the delay on posting. I know I said I would. Here I am, I'm uh, there's been a few things that came up, um, a lot. Actually. I got hit, and hit pretty hard, on my birthday. Um, I was helping my dad out Trimetry, so I was kind of out of commission for a week and when I recorded the 2024 outline I was still a little delirious from the hit. So, yeah, there was that Um in 2023, I broke up with my ex Um. That was one hell of a roller coaster and I'll get into that a little bit.
Speaker 1:
On this Um, it's uh, it's one of those I think talking about it will help, maybe someone in the future listening, if not, whatever. And then a couple of um like tidbits, I guess. So, uh, the first one is obviously the uh, the breakup with my ex Um. Actually, I attempted to break up for three times. That should have been my warning. The first and the second time it's like, okay, you want to leave this woman for some reason. Um, but very, very lost over Um.
Speaker 1:
In the beginning it was love Uh, you could call it love bombing. Uh, she was texting me, I was texting her all the time. I was like two twin flames finding each other and just like, oh my God, friends, finally, um, but as time progressed, uh, she slowly started showing who she was. Well, I slowly started seeing who she was. I, I could see who she was and it wasn't like a mystery. So that part, I just was deep in the puppy love stage. Puffy love, um, yeah so. But then there was the, the evident, the clear day, that kind of was like the. The point was um December, uh, december 14th to be exact, I was going to Disneyland with her. Her mom's friend got a works at Disneyland and got us some free tickets. So I didn't have to pay and, uh, I was getting whispers of I was going to get hired for the railroad. That's where I took my long break in 2023.
Speaker 1:
Um, and uh, yeah, so I, we went to Disneyland and I was working night shift at that time, so I still had my body trained to go to sleep by um 1pm, no matter what, even if I was off, just 1pm, you're asleep. So I'm fighting going to sleep. Um, we don't start heading home to like five or 6pm, so that'd be like me doing all nighter. For a normal person, like your, bedtime's like 10, well, for night shift, like every hour you miss out of 30 minutes, kind of thing. So it was like 6, 7am equivalents for someone else.
Speaker 1:
Um, and near the end of being at Disneyland she started having like just jealous fits. Oh, you're looking at so and so you wanting her more than me. And I was like no, I was trying to figure out why she's wearing flat pink with neon green. It wasn't quite match, but I mean, I guess it worked because I'm looking at her and I think. And then, um, uh, she essentially started having an existential crisis in the parking lot at Disneyland. So we're sitting there for an hour trying to figure that out, but I'm pretty much drunk from not sleeping. We can't drive cause she's crying. So I said you know what? I literally just took my hand, slapped the shoe on my face as hard as I could in front of her and said, okay, uh, adrenaline that should wake me up for about the next 10, 20 minutes. Then I looked at her and I'm like then we're going to have to go get some Tabasco from a 7-Eleven. And she looked at me and she like hot sauce, why would you need that? Cause I'm. I looked at her, I'm going to pour that straight in my eyes. That's a lot of pain, a lot more adrenaline while I wake up. So, instead of the pain treatment I gave myself, um, she mildly pulled herself together and was more giving me, um, nudges in the arm, saying, hey, you're drifting, wake up. In that instance, well, it was more preserving her life. She was really nice.
Speaker 1:
But when we got back, um, this is back when I was still doing edibles and weed and smoking a lot, um, there's a whole thing with me having paranoia and panic attacks when I wasn't smoking. But essentially I took a like a two milligram dose of THC edible and then I was really screwed up. So I was taking 20 milligrams of melatonin. So I told her hey, for here, I'm going to go in and take my meds, I'll say goodbye to you, because it's like say goodbye to her.
Speaker 1:
It was like a 40 minute to an hour episode even before this, but I at first thought it was cute and it got annoying really quick. But I told her, I said, hey, I'm going to take this, I need you to respect the fact that I took this and I need to go to sleep. And she's like yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, and I'll come back. And she's sitting there like a little princess and it was all cute and the big bushy eyes. I said, all right, princess, got to go. You ever kiss on the forehead? And she grabs my arm and suddenly she is just bawling, lying and I sat there and I literally a voice in my head, said, just go, just leave, damn it, just go.
Speaker 1:
I didn't listen to it, but it saved myself a lot of headaches, so I stayed and if anyone knows what it's like to take a melatonin and then resist it and stay awake, you just see some shit. And then I'm taking, I took a small dose of edible, so I'm really seeing and feeling shit. And I had to pull myself together and she did a. She was known for doing a loop. So she'd say one thing, I'd comment, ask a question. She'd say another thing, I'd comment, ask a question, say a third thing, same thing. And the fourth I'd say the comment question, but then somehow reset back to one. It was really weird. I'm sure I know what the technical psychology behind that is, but I can't recall it offhand Did that for three hours. It was like 45 minutes a cycle. So finally I just told her I'm like, hey, I just have to go.
Speaker 1:
The like saving grace was when mom called and said hey, I see you're at Josh's house still, what are you doing, baby girl? Do you need me to come over and pick you up? Are you too tired? Kind of thing. That was my saving grace. So I got out, she called her mom, she drove home, kind of thing. Many, many, many months later, the mom that she told me she's like yeah, I didn't realize how out of sorts my little girl was until she came home and was crying and we went to the hospital. I'm just like I messed up. I messed up. My, my Josh is going to leave me. Blah, blah, blah. I was looking at the mom because me and the mom had a really good relationship, a nice, healthy one, like the one of the few healthy relationships I've had. Um, but I told her on my dude, I was really thinking of just like man, I hate to tell her at her lowest point, but like this is fucking disrespectful. Like I want to go to sleep you know I need to sleep Don't get best sleep being a night shift person and it was just super disrespectful. Um, then there was me going to the railroad, so I did get the job and um, well, a little side story on my birthday weekend for 2023. Um, 2022, into 2023.
Speaker 1:
Um, we essentially rented out Airbnb. We found this cute little Asian couples million dollar condo and they were running a room out for like 50 bucks an IPer and, um, it was just, it was just a bed. Like, if you could fit three in there, go for it 50 bucks, kind of thing. So, um, yeah, the the whole plan was just like. Her thing was like hey, I am your gift. Like I am, I am your gift to you. Yeah, grammar sucks right now. Um, but so it was. It was like use me as, as, however you want. For the weekend. I did ring that bell a lot. Um, we pretty much just had sex sleep, eat, um, snuggle and play some board games. Rinse and repeat was one hell of a fun weekend, oh my gosh. Um.
Speaker 1:
So then in February, when it was confirmed I was heading out to Texas for the railroad, we did the same thing. Like, we rented out a best Western nearby. She didn't want to do the Airbnb because I was ghetto, so it was claiming oh, by the way, ever since the December 14th, she became more and more, um, sassy, but also unlike, rude, and a rude I've never seen before from her. So she said the Airbnb is just too tacky, too cheap. I'm better than this. There was, it was just it smelled funny and I was like, yeah, yeah, someone else's house is like, yeah, someone else's house, of course it's gonna smell different kind of thing.
Speaker 1:
So we rented out a best Western. I was getting railroad money, so like a thousand bucks a week. I knew it was coming, so we went halfway, had whatever left over from my previous check from working as a janitor night shifts, and it was supposed to be a repeat of birthday weekend, not even close. It was just her complaining and complaining and complaining. I was in our red flag, didn't catch that one.
Speaker 1:
So then I take off to drive off to Texas. Obviously my mom was all choked up, my, my girl at the time, the ex was all choked up. My dad, he pretty much just couldn't see me leave. He, it was too hard for him. So I take off and go driving and where I was driving there was a lot of dead zones so I couldn't take calls. But eventually I got a nice long stretch, patch, long stretch, patch, long area with signal and called my apps and again the complaining and the complaining and the complaining, and catch it. I was like I get it, I nerves anything. I'm suddenly moving, I'm leaving, she's not useful, she's not good with change, I think telling myself that.
Speaker 1:
So in Texas, when I got there, she kept asking about what, what times do I have off, what weekends, this and that, blah, blah, blah. And I told her I said, hey, well, pretty much any Saturday or Sunday, unless something comes up, kind of thing. So she, she actually bought a ticket and flew out. That was really cool for her, like that. I didn't expect until she announced it and I they brought me my favorite food from California, made me their Christmas crack in February. Um, oh my gosh, it was the greatest.
Speaker 1:
Again at this point now she's really addicted to tick-tock, like she's watching tick-tock obnoxiously and it's that's actually was the kind of I was kind of getting insulted because we're trying to show different things and she just watched tick-tock and I was like, okay, trying to, didn't dismiss that by. That's weird. So her claim on her, her videos on her tick-tock, is that she flew out and I was really rough and rude with her, didn't give her the praise and blah, blah, blah. To be honest, she wanted to do it I guess one day. So I said, okay, on lunch I come home. I got to do it, but I only have 30 minutes. If I'm late, I'm. I could get in a lot of trouble and get fired before this game even gets started, kind of thing. Okay, babe, totally understand, come home, we try to do the deed. I know it was quite rude, not settling afterwards, but I'm like, hey, I have to go, like I have five minutes and it's a five-minute drive, I'm really gonna make it. And I realized, yes, that was very rude, no settling afterwards, but I needed to get to work, nothing. So then I tried to make it up to her afterwards.
Speaker 1:
She just watched tick-tock the whole weekend and I actually asked her in person my hell, did you fly yourself out here only to watch tick-tock? You just literally paid $340 to watch tick-tock in a bed in Texas. Go see your aunt, go see your cousins, kind of thing. I'm like don't be in here watching tick-tock, go. You have family out here, go see them. She'll, I'm here for you. I'm like I'm busy, kind of thing. Yeah, I met her aunt. Really nice lady. She's like the mom Really cool.
Speaker 1:
Essentially, me and the aunt got talking about different things and essentially she told me she was the first I think that was the first domino to actually register that the set is falling. I said how are you and Sabri doing? My ex is Sabrina, by the way, so they would call her Sabri and I said, oh yeah, me and Sabri are doing, we're doing okay. And I just finished an argument with her and no one won, by the way. And she's like you look tired and worn out, kind of thing. And she gave me a big hug and like we just met, kind of thing. And she's saying this to me. And that's when I registered. I'm like, oh, something's wrong, something's really wrong, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:
So, as some time passes and I go back in California trying to do my job, and essentially the same thing, she was constantly calling me, calling me about her day. Oh, and after December 14th, another thing she started doing, on top of watching more TikTok, was um, emphasizing that men are stupid, men are neanderthals, men are disgusting and dangerous. And so she would say, oh, the men at work. And I was like, oh, the men are traglodytes, kind of thing. Oh, the men just only want you for your body. Oh, the men this like joking back and I said, well, you do realize like I am a man too, like oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're an exception, you're okay, you're cute and I like you. I'm like, yeah, I mean this is internal. I'm like yeah, but the way you treat me doesn't say that at all.
Speaker 1:
Um, so when I get back, I get fired from the railroad and I call the first person. I thought the car was where my girlfriend and I said hey, baby girl, I'm sorry I'm, I have to be home by the end of the day and I don't know what to do. Listen that. Her first comment. So I asked question was not if what happened? Are you? What's going on? No, it's. Oh darn, I guess we were not going to get a place to rent now. That was her first question and I was like what the fuck? So I told her. I said, hey, I need to go tell my mom, my uncle. I was going to ask my dad see if I can get a job at Staters again.
Speaker 1:
Mind you, I worked my ass off before heading off to Texas with a grocery store I was at was working at as a night shift janitor. Me and the manager were tight. So I said hey, a body for body is not a janitor for a janitor, but at least a body for a body. I called him. He did all the paperwork through some time. Eventually I had to turn down the offer the day I was offered it, which is my uncle needed my help, which I'm going to find out. That was the most smartest thing I ever did. But yeah, then I became a pool guy and I really like the pool guy stuff. I don't really get bothered. I can't even call here and there when something weird happens and I was the last guy there, but those don't happen that often.
Speaker 1:
My ex realized she could call me and not get in trouble, so she'd call me the moment she wakes up until the moment she goes to work and she'd come on a break. Then she'd just start having panic attacks during work and would call me during panic attacks. I was getting called like six to eight hours a day and then I had to see her for hours in person. That's essentially the first attempt. I was like, hey, I'm just going to, we're breaking up, kind of thing. She's like oh, I'll do better, I'll do better, I'll change. No, I even said that no, you're not going to change. She's like well, you changed, you became less this, you did this, I can do it too, but you're going to have to give me time. I was like fine, fine, yes, okay.
Speaker 1:
Second attempt, which, july 4th, eventually, I actually just sent it. I was going to be a chicken shit and just do it over the phone and be like we're done. Essentially, she, she like, meet me in person, just meet me in person, halfway, let's talk at target kind of thing. Off to target. And then tricked me into staying with her. Okay, I mean, she guilted me into it. I guess I could be considered a trick but saying, oh, you did this, you did that, you don't even consider my feelings, blah, blah, blah. So I go buy some hot dogs and hot dog buns long for for July. Surprisingly, walmart had it. I was really surprised, actually. And we're having a cookout fire, this and that.
Speaker 1:
Questions are just where does all get out? And my mom at this point is really worried about me because my stress has just gotten to a bad point. I'm stressed from heat, I'm stressed from work, I'm stressed from Sabrina, I'm stressed with life. It's not in a good spot. I was not in a good spot so near the end, when the sun was setting, I sent my ex home saying, hey, you need to get going. Once the fireworks start, the drugs are going to start driving, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:
As I say that, one of the hills catch me fire nearby and I'm like, oh my gosh. And that's when she's all complaining like no, I can't go, I can't leave you, I can't do this, I just can't. And she sees the fire and she's like, oh, yeah, okay, for a different reason, I can't go. And I just know when, yelling at her well, just well, it'll be fine, kind of thing. Yeah, the fire went out, by the way, it was pretty quick. The fire team nearby was spot-on, they were good, yeah. Then even the mom of my ex was texting me saying, hey, if you need a place to stay for a while, it's your house burns. We got you. Blah, blah, blah, never need to take that offer.
Speaker 1:
And so then, september 11th, I know another one of those. Wow, josh, you couldn't have picked a better day to do it. Um, had her show up to a local mall. Like I planned it out, we had it. So it was the 9th or the 10th.
Speaker 1:
Me and her had a terrible argument like at this point. Since the July 4th to the September area, the arguing has gotten to the point we're just going for the emotional jugular, like we're just seeing who could believe the hardest. And this point I'm pretty much pretty much on deaf's door. I'm so emotionally drained the thing that made me confirm it because after the argument I called the mom again. I had never really texted or interfered with the mom, my ex, I just this one.
Speaker 1:
I had a caller and I was like you heard what happened last night, who's in the wrong? And I think I said I know you have Sabrina in your best interest. You also heard the whole argument and she said you were 100% correct and the way you handle it was more than stellar. She's like she was the immature one. And then I was like I'm so scared of this. And that's where she like paused and I could hear her like having something to fidget with and said Josh, one thing we've been needing to tell you but we just never get around to it was we look like are you okay? I'm like well, I'm alive, my heart's beating. She's like no, do you feel empty and tired? I'm like, yeah, like you look like you're dying. Every day you show up to make my baby girl feel better. You look like you're only, you're a step away from death and I was like what that's? When I realized I'm like I can't, you can't continue this. So it was like three or four days later is when I did, when that all played out and she guilted me into staying with her. Just friends, just friends.
Speaker 1:
The next day I woke up and I had I get a lot of vivid dreams when I'm processing stuff and I actually remember and the dream was essentially her sitting in my my fuck, it's an old neighborhood, but it was essentially where this old neighborhood was and it was like me driving on this white concrete that my martial arts instructor and martial arts buddy, lord. What they said, oh, it's okay, but no excuses, you're a man, kind of thing. If you can't handle it either, leave her man up, kind of thing. And I get back in the truck after feeling bad about their work and they fix it, kind of thing. And I look over at my ex and she has these big, glowing red eyes and super sharp, pointy teeth, her face is super stretched out and she's growling like a freaking wolf. And I look at her and go what the fuck are you doing kind of thing, and she's like, oh, now I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep and that's when I realized I'm Mike. That's going to be the relationship. That is the summary of my relationship with her. If I continue as friends, she will make it a point to hurt me. I mean, I'm a contact her anytime I see her. She will hurt me and she will always hurt me. So I sent her a voice message. She called me, wanted to tell me a few things via phone.
Speaker 1:
So fallout after September 12 was pretty rough. I mean, I was essentially emotionally whipsawed, manipulated, trauma-bond, whatever you want to say went through the ringer. The first month was hard. I did break my promise. I did see her in person once. That actually worked out pretty well. I would text her once or twice a week and then finally it got awkward and I completely blocked her after sending her a TikTok video about how this was a dude in a truck saying, hey, I wish you could see the way I see you. I wish you could understand what I've been through. But you can't, and that's okay. What kind of thing. So, yeah, pateroff completely went cold. Turkey deleted her on all my social media stuff and not gonna lie, now in it's January 15, 2024, 5 pm that I'm recording this.
Speaker 1:
I don't really think about her that much anymore, other than them, because I did a lot with her for a year. So, other than comments like, oh yeah, me and Sabrina did this, or Sabrina said that, like I don't pine for her anymore, that's big. The one thing, though, now the real fallout from this and I'm still struggling with it is the January 4 until the breakup in September, and even afterwards I really had a bit of a mild porn addiction that, but it was like they had Sabrina. I was like, oh, I don't need it that much, kind of thing. And yeah, that after leaving her because she was like really curvy, thick Latina, like gorgeous, plump and everything and they go all the right places, so little dude, the little soldier, kept standing at attention and would just be like let's go, I think. And chun, after leaving her, I got super hornies. I was like, so I was watching a lot of porn just to alleviate the stress. It worked for like I don't know two weeks. And then suddenly I'm like, oh, this is like genuine. This is after the breakup, but that's we're saying like January 4. January, no, july 4. Wow, sorry if I confused you July 4, september 12. Um so, from July 4, I was struggling.
Speaker 1:
I was using porn more often to cope with the stress and after September 12, I really used it. I tapered off a little bit like the late October November area, and but then it just kicked up and I also didn't help myself in any situation. I got a boy essentially, and so Swiss, from one method to another, made it more pleasurable and more addictive. I was really thought well, thought through. So, after getting hit in the head on my birthday, having to go to the yard pretty much confused for like a week, they used again porn and masturbation as a like pain killer. Like I was in a very stressful situation. I'm like I know dopamine can help in a short term of pain, but it also misses up my ability to process other stuff.
Speaker 1:
I think it was after watching a certain video I was just like, why am I doing this kind of thing? I was like, why did I go down to this path? And it was like something snapped in my heart, it was like a rope, and suddenly I felt a rush and I realized I'm like no, I am full fledged addicted right now, like I am literally, metaphorically, balls deep into this and so I tried giving it up, relapsed, relapsed again and relapsed again. But um, how I realized I had a problem is I couldn't get up unless I fired up my phone and looked up a certain hentai comic and yeah, suddenly little dudes had attention, rock hard and everything, and I kind of like today's reason why I'm recording it and posting it today and I'm not even going to try to clean up all those blunders. I realized I'm like, oh my God, I'm still addicted. So I downloaded all these porn filter apps and trackers and all that. So I'm trying to get my shit together.
Speaker 1:
Getting addicted to porn around 11, being an on again, off again relationship, I think this is going to be one of the hardest fights in my life because that's a lot of bitchy pattern. So just kind of wanted to say that. I know usually Mondays I talk about business or whatever, but just wanted to get that off my chest. Hopefully I helped someone. I will try to figure out how to make this a video. I'm trying to short on cash so I can't afford your video editing software and stuff like that. So I'm using Audacity and OpenShot video editor, so I'm going to try different methods of posting videos. I'm also working on different thumbnails and how to use them for a little better impressions and click through, but also just what works and what doesn't.
Speaker 1:
I just talked about my porn addiction, but I'm like I wonder if big booby anime girls get people to click, or is it more like a mysterious classy, fully covered when a guy or gal works Like what's this, who's this? Mysterious man kind of thing, and so I'm going to play with around with that. I made two dummy accounts, so if one of them gets in trouble, it's not my intention to make money off it anyways, but I'm also going to try different content on them. One might be more just like radical and Shapiro or Jordan Peterson saying, hey, you got to do this, I don't care what the others fucking say, you got to do this. And then one might just be like the stereotypical SEO If you want to get over this, you should do this, and here's why Pay attention to the end. So yeah, I'm going to work on those and figure out this video.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, this is a bit of a hot mess, hot take. Hopefully it's helpful and if you have any other topics you want to hear or talk about. I have a lot of like cool stories in my head and shit I've gone through. I mean, my ability to not see red flags is amazing and I've gotten myself into some fucking crazy stories. So if you want to hear some of those, give me a holler. Yeah, other than that, have a good one, everybody, and see you next time.