Confidence No Matter How You Look (Solo)

Recently, I found myself on the brink of burnout, and it was a wake-up call to the necessity of self-care. That's why I'm inviting you to join me as I reveal the transformative power of carving out time for yourself and why it's essential in cultivating genuine self-confidence. It's not about grand gestures but rather the quiet moments of pride and peace that can shift how we see ourselves. We'll unravel the myths that tether confidence to appearance and, instead, uncover the roots of self-worth that lie in acknowledging and embracing our unique strengths and weaknesses. 

Let's move beyond the surface and redefine confidence as an internal, humble strength that we can all develop. Listen to this week's episode about Building Confidence.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Tea with Tanya. I'm your host, tanya Ambrose, an average millennial navigating life as a maternal health professional, non-profit founder and grad student. Join me in the tea tasting room where we spill the tea on finding balance and promoting positive living while doing. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of Tea with Tanya. I am happy to be here in the tea tasting room for yet another week for us to talk and continue to work on ourselves as we continue to transform every aspect of our lives.

Speaker 1: 0:39

I hope you would have done something for yourself within the last week and I know I often say that to you, but it's very important that we set aside time. It doesn't matter if it's one minute, five minutes, 10 minutes, three hours. Just set aside some time in a week to really and truly do something for yourself that's going to make yourself proud, that's going to make you feel better or at peace, something For me. Strangely enough, the last sentence we met in the tea tasting room, one of the things that I did which, to this day, I still can't believe was do nothing. I was at my capacity. With every single thing in life personal, professional, whatever it was I was at my capacity and I was still trying to push through that, but I ended up doing absolutely nothing. Do I have time to not do nothing? I don't, because you know, again, a lot of things are happening, things are moving fast, so I don't often have the time or I don't really have the time essentially to not do anything. But I realized I'll acknowledge the fact that I was pushing myself and I cannot afford to be burnt out again. I needed to just rest. So I did absolutely nothing. When I said nothing, I didn't read, I didn't do anything. I just had the TV on in my room as background, as background noise or light, and I just stayed there and just sit in silence. That sure did shock the hell out of me, but I had to, because on last week's episode we spoke about honoring our feelings and even building resilience, and one of the things that I had to do was really and truly honor how I was feeling. I was feeling overwhelmed, I was feeling really overstimulated. It was just a lot for me and I had no choice but to really and truly do nothing. So that's what I did. So I would love to hear what you did for yourself within the last week. That could be you watch a TV show, read a book, be like me, do absolutely nothing or complete a task, whatever it is. Again, it's just going to be something that's going to be fulfilling to you, that's going to better yourself. When I talk to you and when I ask you or tell you, I hope you've done something for yourself, I hope you have.

Speaker 1: 2:41

Now, in today's episode we're going to be talking about as you can tell by the title, we're going to be talking about confidence. We are going to be talking about building confidence, no matter how you look or how you feel or where you are in life, and that's just. I felt compelled to talk about this, especially after talking about honoring our feelings, because I'm realizing that every now and then I am struggling with my confidence, my self-esteem, for whatever reason, because I'm living in my head, because, again, you know, chronic overthinker here. But I definitely want to talk about that because I think you know it's just how we're going to explore, how to cultivate confidence, regardless of our appearance, especially living in the world that we are living in today. Okay, before we get into today's episode, I do want to share the mantra or affirmation of the day, and I do have two, so you know you take, whichever one works for you. And one is my appearance does not determine my worth. I'll say it again my appearance does not determine my worth. And then the other one is I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin. So the other affirmation is I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin. And when I just said that line, it takes me back to the Beyonce song Cozy, comfortable in my skin, eh, cozy with who I am. Okay, I'm no Beyonce, so let me just shut up. Okay, but I really want to still hone in on these two affirmations my appearance doesn't determine my worth and I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin. All right, let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 4:21

To me, as I sat and I thought about this episode, you know, I think confidence is often portrayed as something that is tied to our physical attractiveness. But I think and I know for a fact, especially from my experience, that true confidence goes beyond any surface level perceptions. It is all about embracing who you are inside and out and owning it with pride. We have to own that confidence, own how we feel, how we embrace how we are, and own it with pride. But I do want to talk about, before we get into anything else, I want to talk about some myths that you know, like debunking the myths that confidence is only solely based on looks, you know, again, we have these societal standards that may suggest otherwise, and I think that comes from. I think our confidence essentially, at the end of it all, comes from self-acceptance and self-worth, and that's something that I have found myself struggling with in the past and every now and again it keeps tapping me on my shoulder sometime. But I think it's about recognizing your strengths, acknowledging your weakness and still believing in yourself.

Speaker 1: 5:27

A lot of us, sometimes we tend to forget to believe in ourself. One thing about me I'm going to believe in somebody else. I found myself in the past believing in others more than I believe in myself and I realized that that was like a detriment to me as a person and my confidence, my self-esteem, because it's like why is it so easy for me to show up for other people and pour into them and boost their confidence, but then when it comes to me, sometimes I may have, you know, like some negative self-talk self-talk to myself as well. So I've been working and have been working on that over the last couple of years because I'm like you know what, if not me? If I can't gas myself, if I can't gas myself, if I can't pour into myself, then how am I going to be pouring into others, in other people's lives? And it's the same thing how I feel on this podcast. If I cannot pour into myself, I cannot sit here with you in a tea tasting room talking to you, encouraging you, empowering you, if I'm not practicing essentially what I'm preaching. And we're not perfect here in a tea tasting room. We are not perfect, but we do the best that we can.

Speaker 1: 6:30

So I think the notion that confidence is solely tied to our physical appearance is a pervasive myth in our society, because when you think about back in the day you know we have these glossy magazines to know we're all in everybody's social media feeds is that we're constantly being bombarded with images that equate beauty with confidence, and this couldn't be further from the truth For me. I think confidence is a multifaceted concept that often comes with its fair shares of myths and misconceptions as well. So I do want to debunk some of the most common myths as it relates to confidence, because I've even seen something on TikTok recently and I'm thinking about sometimes we got to take a step back to really and truly analyze if a person is being confident or if they're being arrogant. But to be honest, so one of the myths that I want to debunk is that confidence is arrogance. One of the biggest, biggest myths that I've even heard when I was growing up and everything you know, living in Antigua, just being out in the world in general, one of the biggest myths is that confident people are arrogant or they're overly self-assured, when in reality, confidence is about having a healthy belief in oneself without belittling others. You know, it's about being secure in who you are, in your abilities, while still being humble and empathetic and, of course, being kind. Nothing beats being kind. So I think sometimes we tend to misunderstand or misinterpret someone being confident for being arrogant. I have done that because I am not perfect. I've said, oh, that person, they're arrogant, when in fact they just know they have a healthy belief in themselves and that's how it should be. But when it comes to belittling others or thinking that you're better than others, now then that's where the issue comes in, as it relates to you know, we start toeing the line of arrogance. So, really and truly, that myth that confidence is arrogant, that is a myth and we're not going to believe that it's just again someone having a healthy belief in themselves.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Sometimes, some people say that confidence is innate. Many people believe that confidence is something that you're either born with or without, and I for sure I don't believe that. I believe that confidence is a skill that can be developed and nurtured over time through practice. We talk about consistency being key. Your confidence is going to be developed and nurtured over time as you continue to be consistent. As you practice, you know, as you do, more self-reflection and you think about personal growth. So it's not a fixed trait, but it's more so a mindset that can be cultivated. So sometimes for me, I'll be honest I look at my girl.

Speaker 1: 9:02

If you can't tell by now, I'm a huge Beyonce fan and you know many. We're not going to talk about the hate that she gets, but one of the things that I love about her is the fact that she has just seen her go, her evolution from the time she was in Destiny's Child to even now. One of the things that I'm attracted to Beyonce as it relates to why I'm, like you know, the Beehive president or vice president I think I've retired now, but you know, I'm still certainly Beehive is the fact that she still remains humble, she's empathetic, she's kind. Based on what your stories that you're hearing from other people, I have never heard anything negative as it relates to Beyonce. She becomes alive when she's on stage and you know she often said that.

Speaker 1: 9:41

You know, when she's on stage she becomes Sasha Fierce and then when she's off stage, she's like a shy person into herself. You know what I mean. But then you know that comes from her practicing and realizing that. You know I have a gift. I can be confident, but I'm not going to be arrogant. So you know again, I don't think her self-confidence was innate. She was just supported from a child by her parents and continued to believe in herself and she had that support system. So that's one of the things that you know what it's not. One time I think about being uncivilized because born and being confident, but it's like no, it's something that she had to grow into.

Speaker 1: 10:15

Another thing is you know, confidence means that you never feel and that is another myth is that confident individuals never experience self-doubt or insecurity, when in fact, you know everyone we are I don't care who you are, where you are listening to this podcast. In truth, everyone we have moments of doubt or insecurity. It's all about part of being human. And I go back to that same Beyonce analogy. You know, whenever we watch her behind the scenes, where she's confident, when we see her on stage, we don't know that she was dodging herself or she was thinking something wasn't going to work or whatever the case may be. But again, you have to have to because she is human too. We are human. We're going to have some level of insecurity. You know, confidence is in the absence of these feelings, where we're not going to feel insecure, but it's just our ability. And I've come to realize that as I'm on my self-love journey and just my personal growth, especially in the last few months of this year. You know, confidence isn't the absence of these feelings, it's about the ability, your ability to acknowledge them and move forward despite how you are feeling. And I think many of us, oftentimes we tend to forget that having confidence doesn't mean that you're never going to feel insecure.

Speaker 1: 11:27

The next myth is you know, confidence is based on external validation, and I think many people mistakenly believe that confidence comes from external praise or validation. And I'll be honest, you know, I have thought that, I have believed that. You know, we think, like you know, having compliments or achievements, this is going to boost our confidence, while, in fact, external factors or validation can only boost our confidence temporarily. Because, again, the thing is true, confidence stems from within. It's about valuing yourself, independent of what others may think or the other's opinion as well. And I think we think again that confidence is about perfection, child, please. I mean, we're not, we're not God, we're not, we're not. None of us are perfect.

Speaker 1: 12:15

You know, some of us think that when we have, when we're confident, or confident means that you know you're flawless. You know you woke up like this you know you're flawless or you're you're flawless. You know you woke up like this you know you're flawless or you're, you're never making any sort of mistakes, when, in fact, again, what I've come to realize, especially this year, is that true confidence is about embracing your imperfection and learning from failures, because one thing I'm going to do, one thing I'm going to do, is learn from my failures. Okay, and I think that that continued to help me to boost my confidence. Do I often feel? And I think that continued to help me to boost my confidence? Do I often feel? Do I feel confidence every day? Absolutely not. Like. That's not me, that's not my ministry. I don't feel confident every day, but I'm able to embrace that imperfection. I'm able to learn from my failures or turning these stumbling blocks into stepping stone.

Speaker 1: 13:01

You know it's about building resilience in the face of setbacks and that comes from understanding the growth often comes from overcoming challenges, like I mentioned in our last episode. You know, when it comes to building resilience and honoring your feelings, you have to turn those stumbling blocks into stepping stones and I think, as we continue to dispel these myths, you know it'll make us adopt a more realistic understanding of what confidence is. It's not about arrogance or any sort of innate talent, but it's more so about your self-belief, your resilience and your continuous growth. For me, you know, I think true confidence begins with self-acceptance. You know your self-worth. It's about recognizing and embracing the totality of who you are as a person, beyond just any outward appearance. You know you think about your strengths, your talents and all these unique qualities, like I would have mentioned, that contribute to your confidence just as much as anything else, more so than your physical attributes. And I say that because I remember growing up, you know going through puberty and I remember when I started developing my breasts and, of course, you know your, your, your hairs under your underarms and everywhere else.

Speaker 1: 14:15

And I remember again. I remember that feeling of developing my breasts and my in the blink of an eye. My friends around me, they all just had bigger boobs. And I'm like, wow, here I go, I'm the girl with the pancake chest, you know no boobs. And I just remember, at one point in time, feeling insecure, feeling like you know what? I wasn't developing fast enough because, what? My friends around me, they had bigger breasts. Me, on the other hand, I'm over here with my little flat at this point chest, at this point, thinking, you know what? I want bigger breasts.

Speaker 1: 14:48

I remember growing up I was being teased for having a smile that showcased more gum than teeth and I would like fake smile or try to cover that up. I remember growing up being teased about oh, you have big lips and your lips are big Like, let me tell you, child, big lips and your lips are big Like, let me tell you, child. You know, my parents essentially never made me feel less than because some of these things that I was teased about it was like girl really. But I just remember that and I also remember even, you know, at one point in time when I was younger, wanting bigger breasts, or wanting to have surgery to remove my gums from, like you know, showing too much when I smile, or wanting to reduce my lip size. You know, when I think of, when I think like I'm like girl, be so for real. But again, that's just. That's just really what society does to us.

Speaker 1: 15:32

But one thing I always will say, even at the time when I was going through puberty, then, as I became older and you know, in my teenage years and early twenties, I just even then, when I was being teased and I wanted bigger breasts, for some reason, you know, I was never the person that was going to be like oh you know what? I'm going to have surgery to get bigger breasts, I'm going to have breast implants. I'm going to do X, y, z. I always found that I was confident with that. Am I always confident every day? Absolutely not, but for the most part, I've always been that person, like you know. Well, this is who I am. I know I'm looking back. I didn't know. Now, in today's society, there are people who are paying millions of dollars to have the size lips that I have, you know. So I've always been unique, like my father has always called me unique, all these girls unique, and so that's just one thing.

Speaker 1: 16:16

When it comes to confidence again because you know again we think about our bodies and we we, we attach certain stigmas to what defines confidence. I'm always talking about body positivity. We tend to shame people oh, you know what? You're much more round, or you have bigger boobs, or you don't have the Coca-Cola shaped body. It's just, it's so much.

Speaker 1: 16:37

But I want you to know if you don't take away anything from this episode. I want you to understand that true confidence begins with self-acceptance and self-worth when you acknowledge your weakness. That is also very crucial in building our confidence. It's about accepting that nobody's perfect and that we all have areas that we want to improve upon. At one point in time, I was very obsessed with my fingers I still am and then one time someone gave me a compliment telling me I have nice fingers, and since then you cannot tell me that I don't have nice fingers. I did, you know. It added to what I was already feeling. But it's about accepting that nobody's perfect and that we all have areas we can improve. So, rather than viewing that, rather than viewing our weaknesses as shortcomings. We can also see them as opportunities for growth and development, and that is what I've been working on the last couple of months.

Speaker 1: 17:29

Believing in yourself is perhaps, I would say, the most essential aspect of confidence. It's about trusting your abilities, your intuition and your inherent worthiness. Let me tell you that intuition is never going to lie. Like I said on this podcast before, whenever I do not trust my intuition, my life goes haywire. Confidence isn't always about being flawless. It's about having the courage to be imperfect and still love yourself unconditionally. I am going to say that again because, as I'm saying this to you, I'm talking to myself honestly. Confidence isn't about being flawless. It's about having the courage to be imperfect and still love yourself unconditionally. So when we're able to debunk these myths, you know, it's that confidence is solely on our looks. For me, let me tell you, I want us to dig deeper and be more realistic and have an authentic sense of confidence is that it radiates from within. When we often hear oh, you know, confidence come from within. You can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself. All that is true. It radiates from within. It's grounded in your self-acceptance, it's grounded in your self-worth and your belief in your own capabilities. Right For me, I'm in the gym working out three to four times a week because it's not necessarily because of my body.

Speaker 1: 18:53

One of my motivating factors, yes, was like you know what, here I am, wear a little pouch that I don't know where it came from, why is it even here? So I wanted to fix that. But I also wanted one of my main goals right now in the gym is to grow and maintain and gain stamina. I want to be able to walk up the stairs in my house and not be trying to catch my breath. You know. I want to be able to run, walk a mile, whatever it is, without feeling overly tired. So that's what. That's one of my main reasons why I'm in the gym Again.

Speaker 1: 19:22

Like I said, growing up, I thought about oh, I want a bigger breast at the time. But now, even in the social media age, where you see everything, you either see the thinnest person or To me, it's just always something shady sometimes as it relates to how we are and how we look at people right, especially when it comes to their body size. And the magazines and the TikToks Instagram you know we're seeing people are posting these pictures. Some will not be in Photoshop, let's keep it real. But we tend to attract our confidence only in our physical appearance, and I think that's something that we need to work on. We need to cultivate our confidence that's going to transcend any sort of physical appearance, and I want to share some of the ways in which we can do that. And that starts with self-acceptance. I spoke about that earlier. Start by accepting yourself exactly as you are.

Speaker 1: 20:16

Embrace your quirks, your flaws, your imperfections. They make you unique. And I remember growing up being with my dad in the dressing room with all his teammates and everything, and he would always call me unique, like that was my nickname. Like at this point, why don't you just call? Why didn't you name me unique? But I just remember hearing telling his teammates you know, tanya, she's very unique person, xyz. At the time not necessarily knowing why he was saying that, but as I got older and you know, he always like tell us, tell me my sisters, you know you're beautiful, you have nice skin, but it's more than just how you look outside, it's your mind, it's your heart, and that's one thing that my mom would also teach us. Like, you know what Live with your heart. So you definitely want to embrace everything that makes you unique and remember again, no one is perfect and that's what makes us human. Think about your mindset shift, challenge the negative thoughts that are undermining your confidence and replace them with positive affirmations and focus on your accomplishments and your qualities, beyond any appearance. Like I always try to start the episode with an affirmation, because I do really think that we need to be replacing these negative thoughts that we have from time to time because we are human, or when that happens, you know, you want to replace them with any sort of positive affirmation and focus on your accomplishments and qualities beyond your appearance.

Speaker 1: 21:35

Self-care, Take care of yourself holistically. We talk about self-care, you know self-care sometimes getting my nails done, my hair, my eyebrows, all that is good, but you want to take yourself from a holistic standpoint. That means physically, mentally, emotionally, you know, prioritize activities that are going to make you feel good. Again, when I started the episode, each episode, I ask you or I say I hope you've done something for yourself to make yourself feel good. That could be whether it's exercise, it's meditation, whatever hobbies you have. It could be spending time with loved ones, it could be baking, it could be binging a show it could be reading. Whatever it is, you want to ensure that you're taking care of yourself from a holistic standpoint, you're tapping into taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually as well.

Speaker 1: 22:20

Another thing you can do is to set goals. Again, we've talked about SMART goals in the past, but you want to define what success means to you, beyond any external validation. And, of course, once we're able to define that, we want to be able to set achievable goals based on your passions and your values and celebrate your progress along the way. And I feel like I hypocrite telling you this sometimes, because I don't often celebrate my progress along the way, because, again, I'm always on to the next, on to the next, on to the next, because I really am passionate, but I am working on slowing down, being more present and celebrating the progress along the way. So, as I'm telling you this, I want you to define what success means to you Because, again, we're in the age of social media, where we're seeing our peers or people who are, you know, whatever it is. We're seeing people post different things and we don't know how these people come by their success or how they live in their lives. So, again, define, because sometimes it gets tricky when we start to measure our success against somebody else who may have a different passion, a different upbringing. So you want to define what success means to you, beyond any sort of external validation. And then you want to set achievable goals in order to execute but also celebrate your progress along the way.

Speaker 1: 23:37

And my biggest thing is practice gratitude. That's just my when I tell you that's my personality at this point. Practicing gratitude, you know you want to appreciate the things you have instead of twirling on what you lack. Hello, I've had to learn that lesson. You want to appreciate the things you have instead of twirling on what you lack. Gratitude shifts your perspective and fosters a sense of abundance and with that, that's going to boost your confidence along the way. So you definitely want to practice confidence because, again, confidence is a journey it's really true Not a destination. It's about consistently, continually to work on yourself and embracing every complexity of who you are. You know I want us to strive to cultivate confidence. That's going to radiate within us.

Speaker 1: 24:29

When we talk about confidence in our everyday life, at work, in our relationship, you know it plays a crucial role in how we live our lives. You know, confidence in our everyday life. You know it plays a crucial role in how we live our lives. You know, Confidence in our everyday life is about carrying yourself with assurance and assertiveness. It's about speaking up for yourself. It's about setting boundaries and it's about making decisions without second guessing yourself constantly. I'm going to say that again Confidence in our everyday life is about carrying yourself with self-assurance, you know, and assertiveness. It's about speaking up for yourself. It's about setting those clear boundaries and making decisions without second guessing yourself. You know confident individuals we are more likely to take risks, try new things and handle challenges with grace and resilience.

Speaker 1: 25:15

You know, when it comes to work, you know, in the workplace, you consider yourself to be a valuable asset. They wouldn't have hired you if you weren't valuable, and then that can also allow you to take on leadership roles, if that's what you want. You can speak up in meetings, because one thing I'm going to do, I'm going to talk in a meeting because you know what I am valuable, I know why I'm here. I am going to present whatever ideas I may have with conviction Because, again, when you become a confident employee, you're more likely to, I believe, pursue you know other career opportunities as well. You're able to maybe even negotiate for higher salaries, or you're able to handle criticism constructively. And that's one thing I would say about myself. Whenever I'm getting feedback from my managers or my you know, my director. The old me would probably want to flip off on somebody or become angry and upset, but the new me in the last couple of years, I just take these constructive criticism in stride because, again, that's going to boost my confidence and also to help me to grow as well.

Speaker 1: 26:11

You know, when we think about relationships, I think confidence is very essential in cultivating healthy relationships, whether that's a friend, intimate partner, because I think it's about being secure in yourself and your worth. That's going to allow you to communicate effectively, you're going to be able to express your needs and desires and you'll be able to establish meaningful connection with others. I think when we're confident, we always like to seek validation from our partners or friends or whatever, because we're more capable of maintaining our independence while still being emotionally available and supportive. But sometimes, again, you know, we do like a little reassurance. I'll be honest, you know we do like that, but I think that's something that we need to work on. Just'll be honest, you know we do like that. But I think that's something that we need to. We need to work and just, being confident in who you are, create a great communication channel between you and whoever it may be, because that way you'll be able to ask for what you want and be treated the way that you you want to be. You want to be treated as well.

Speaker 1: 27:15

I think you know when we feel less confident in some of these areas. You know it's natural, it's common because, again, we are human. But the key thing is for us to address how we're feeling in order for us to cultivate a better or greater self-assurance or resilience as well. This is going to involve, again, challenging that negative self-talk. Seek support from your friends, your family If you have access to a therapist, you also want to seek support there as well and just seek realistic goals, set realistic goals and I think once we're able to recognize and address in these areas where confidence may be lacking, you know we'll be able to take necessary steps to build a stronger sense of self-belief and empowerment, like I genuinely do believe that as well. To build a stronger sense of self-belief and empowerment, like I genuinely do believe that as well. So you want to just practice self-compassion for yourself. So I want to talk about that. I want to talk about practicing self-compassion.

Speaker 1: 28:07

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone experiences different moments, differently. You're going to have the ebbs and flows. You're going to feel insecure from time to time, but treat yourself with the same understanding and compassion that you would to anyone else, and I've had to tell myself that time and time again. You know identify your strength. Think about what are your strengths, what are your talents, what are your accomplishments. Reflect on your past successes and skills that you have helped, that have helped you to even achieve them as well. Focusing on your strength, and think about ways in which you can work on your weaknesses. You know, seek support. That's a big one. Embrace failure as quote. Turn those stumbling blocks into stepping stone, because they're not here to stop us from being great. So, as I go because I've been talking to A's off in this tea tasting room I want you to remember that confidence is a journey, not a destination. It's about continually working on yourself and embracing the beautiful complexity of being human. So I encourage you to strive to cultivate confidence that's going to radiate from within. That's going to also, in turn, empower you and inspire others along the way.

Speaker 1: 29:20

Thank you for joining me here in the Tea Tasting Room today. I hope once we meet here again next week, you will do something for yourself and I will leave you with our affirmation that I mentioned earlier in the episode my appearance does not determine my worth. I deserve to feel confident in my own skin. I love you for listening and I'll see you back here in the tea tasting room next week. Thank you for joining me for another episode of tea with Tanya. If you like this episode, be sure to share it with a friend. Don't forget to follow on Instagram at Tea with Tanya Podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the weekly Tea Talk newsletter and, of course, rate on Apple or Spotify and subscribe wherever you listen. See you next time. I love you for listening.