How to Set Boundaries and Thrive with Self-Care Coach and Psychological Therapist Shanley Lewis

Have you ever wondered how to set boundaries and thrive without burning out? On this week's episode of Tea With Tanya, I chat with the remarkable Shanley Lewis, a self-care and mindset coach, qualified psychological therapist, and founder of Good To Me. Shanley shares her invaluable insights on how busy professionals and entrepreneurs can prioritize their well-being. This week's calming peppermint tea sets the perfect backdrop for our conversation on self-care, boundaries, and avoiding burnout.

Shanley also introduces us to her work with Good2Me, a community dedicated to the practice of self-care amidst hectic schedules. From sponsoring my non-profit event to her inspiring journey and expert advice, Shanley has a wealth of knowledge about setting boundaries to thrive and avoid burnout. Tune in to learn how to implement practical self-care routines and set boundaries that help you thrive. Don’t forget to share what tea you’re enjoying this week, and stay tuned for something special coming this summer!

Check out Shanely's Good To Me website for more resources.
Follow Shanley on Instagram and join her Facebook Group.
Be sure to subscribe to her YouTube channel.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Tea with Tanya. I'm your host, tanya Ambrose, an average millennial navigating life as a maternal health professional, non-profit founder and grad student. Join me in the tea tasting room where we spill the tea on finding balance and promoting positive living while doing. Hey friend, hey friend. Welcome back to another episode of Tea with Tanya. It is once again a pleasure to be here in the Tea Tasting Room with you for another juicy episode. This episode is the season finale of this season, so it's the last episode in this season, but I promise you, my friend, I have something special coming to you over the summer.

Speaker 1: 0:49

On today's episode, we're talking about boundaries and how to thrive without burning out, because, let me tell you, that's a real thing, and we talk about creating boundaries on the podcast a lot. But I am joined by Shannie Lewis, someone I met on social media because she was a sponsor for my non-profit Squirt, the Flow Women and Girls Health Expo, when it came to the self-care aspect of things, and she reached out, wanting to work with us and me being me, I am not going to say no because, again, when it comes to my baby's club life kids, I'm going to go above and beyond. My begging has no shame or my accepting gifts to serve my community has no shame or limits. But that's where I met her and I was able to see her at our event and I saw, you know, a few times after, before I returned from Antigua. So it's just a pleasure to have her here. I told her, you know, we go together real bad. So, seeing the work that she's doing, loving the work that she's doing, it's a pleasure to have her here and to have her be the one that helps us to close out this season.

Speaker 1: 1:48

So let's get into this episode. As far as the tea of the week, I've just been on my peppermint tea because you know what your girl is in her menstrual phase right now. So it's just all about the peppermint tea to calm her mouth. It's something that's just going to be soothing so I can just be relaxed and just zen out. So, yes, that's where we are.

Speaker 1: 2:06

Peppermint tea is this week tea of the week, along with chamomile and lavender. But yeah, be sure to share in the comments in your dm, in my dms, what tea you're having this week, like I want to see what tea you're having because, again, like I say, I have something special coming for you guys this summer. So definitely please engage and let me know what tea you're drinking once you get to this part of the episode. Now let's get into today's episode. All right, shanli, welcome to the Tea Tasting Room. It's a pleasure to have you here talking with me. Like I told you a few months ago, we go together real bad now, so it's a pleasure to have you here in the podcast. Thank you for joining me and tell us us people here in the Tea Tasting a little bit about yourself.

Speaker 1: 2:48

We're very nosy here, so we need you to tell us all the details where you're from, what you do, you know, just give us all the tea. Give us all the tea.

Speaker 2: 2:54

Give you all the tea. I'm here to give you all the tea. Thank you so much for having me it. It's a pleasure to be here, so I'm definitely here to spill the tea. So a little bit about me. I'm Shanley, so I'm a self-care and mindset coach, so I help busy professionals and entrepreneurs to prioritize their well-being and self-care so that they can show up and serve at their best. I'm also a qualified psychological therapist, so I help to assess and treat people who experience depression or any type of anxiety. And then I'm the founder of Good2Me, which is a brand and a community that again helps people in the practice of self-care, regardless of how busy their schedule is. So that's a bit about me. I am a London born lady who's a city girl turned island girl as well, so now residing in the lovely island of Antigua.

Speaker 1: 3:54

I'm so jealous talking to you right now. You know I just left home about two, three weeks ago and you're still living your best life. Why do I got to be here? So I am very, very jealous of you right now. I'm not going to hide it.

Speaker 2: 4:05

I am you know.

Speaker 1: 4:07

So you said that you help us entrepreneurs, and I call myself an entrepreneur because I am.

Speaker 2: 4:12

Yes.

Speaker 1: 4:13

Well, a question that I often get asked all the time is how do you manage, you know, having a podcast, working full-time, going to grad school full-time, you know, running a nonprofit and having a doula business? Again, I'm tired of even saying it right now and I often get asked you know, how do you manage it? I'm like, you know, I just, I just show up, I just do it, you know, and I just remember. I want to say it might be two years ago, shanley, where I had to sit and figure out you know what Something got to go in the back burner I'm doing too much and it might've been a year ago. Actually. I feel like I was experiencing burnout, according to my therapist Cause, when I said I came from Antigua last year May and I was like, oh, I'm going to take a week off, you know, just to rejuvenate. That week off ended up being like six months.

Speaker 2: 4:56

Sometimes we need that.

Speaker 1: 4:57

True, but I think during that time I was experiencing burnout and I kept being called, you know, left, right and center, do this, do that, whatever. And I'm the kind of person that I don't know how to say no. I'm working in that I've done better, but I don't know how to say no. And sometimes, when I say no, I feel guilty for saying no to people, because I want to help, I want to be of assistance, but also I realize that, you know, I have a people pleasing personality. Apparently, according to my therapist, she does. She's right. But I want to ask, you know, as it relates to boundaries, because for me, I think I don't have healthy boundaries. I'm being honest, I do not have healthy boundaries. In my mind I do, but in reality, in reality, I don't. You know, I've been talking on the podcast. You know, create your boundaries, stick to them, don't even move the goalposts. But one thing about me I'm going to move the goalpost every time I create a boundary again because of that guilt.

Speaker 1: 5:45

So since you're the pro, like you know, tell us or define, or what. What are boundaries or what? What do boundaries and balance mean in today's context? Because, again, many of us are these hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle yeah, what does that? Really mean. You know it's to talk about oh, set boundaries and keep your boundaries. We hear it all the time on social media, but from your expertise like what? What is it? What is boundaries and what does it mean to have boundaries and balance, especially in today's context?

Speaker 2: 6:08

yeah, I think, a lot of like right now. I feel that a lot of people you know everyone is like searching for like that right balance for them. And I think, yes, we've been hearing the word boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and what does that actually mean? And I think boundaries are so powerful, it's more, I feel like it's much more than just saying no as well, and it's about even understanding, kind of what your limits are for yourself and others. Because I think one other thing that we feel that is with boundaries, that boundaries are only for other people and then not only for other people. We also have to have boundaries with ourselves, because I think, with me also being like like an ex-people pleaser, even struggling with burnout myself, I had to kind of really learn that the the hard way, because I was like, okay, I'm good at saying no to everybody else, but something's still happening, like I'm still burning out, I'm still feeling tired, I'm still feeling overwhelmed, and then that's when I realized I had to actually have those boundaries with myself.

Speaker 2: 7:03

So ultimately, it's about having boundaries and knowing your limits when it comes to yourself, but also having those limits and rules for other people, communicating those boundaries, because our personal boundaries are invisible. So when we think about boundaries, ultimately we for example, if somebody's got a house or property, we can see a fence, we can see a gate. That's like a no-go sign. But when it's our own boundaries, it's our responsibility to communicate them, and I'm sure many of you listening now have heard of people of being able to teach people how to treat you, and you can do that through the boundaries that you have.

Speaker 2: 7:49

But it's about communicating them and a lot of the time you know we say you know, be clear in terms of what your boundaries are and yes, that's important. But sometimes we actually learn what our boundaries are along the way and I always say like we've got like an internal compass where you know, know usually how we feel. So, again, if we're starting to feel irritable, we're starting to feel resentful towards people or situations, that's a good indicator that there needs to be some boundaries there and it's literally you know, you learning as you go, you tweaking as you go. But it's not just saying no, but saying no is a big part of boundaries, obviously as well like saying no to extra responsibilities. Another boundary is even like having a bedtime. It's something that I talk to people quite a lot about, because I know you know we're busy.

Speaker 2: 8:35

We're in this busy world where we're being encouraged to speed up.

Speaker 2: 8:38

I definitely feel that we've been encouraged to speed up. We're getting so much more information coming to us so we're like go go, go, go go. But actually we have to be so much more intentional about that and then creating those boundaries, so even creating like time boundaries, so having blocks of time for relaxation, having blocks of time for like solitude, blocks of time to literally practice self-care, and boundaries is what helps us to get that balance. So we're having clear boundaries with ourself and others, so that we can make sure that we're prioritizing things like self-care and we're prioritizing our relaxation, because we're always going to have things to do, we're always going to have work to do, but are we actually prioritizing our priorities like self-care and like things that bring us joy, because these are going to be the things that kind of reduce the stress and overwhelm that we might, you know, experience day to day?

Speaker 1: 9:29

I think for me. I have a question because, as a recovering, still working on all the different steps, people please. You know I've recently, like you mentioned, I was sitting in a clear bedtime. I have because I'm going to be in the bed early, but sometimes I can't shut this brain off. So you know I've accepted that. But, however, what I found myself doing is putting my phone on do not disturb at 10 pm every night from 10 pm to 8 to 8 am and only a select few people can get me, you know, like parents and siblings.

Speaker 1: 9:56

just in case, because again I live alone, you know emergency contact. But it took me a minute to even do that because the need to be in the know or the need to always be readily available for other people was something for me and let me tell you, since I did that, it's the best thing ever.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I do find myself sometimes checking my phone because I'm still blind, like I said, but for people who don't know essentially how they can identify their personal boundary, because for me it was getting annoying getting all those notifications from people, whether was they wanted something or was just like a conversation like you know what. It's been a long day. I just want to stand out. I want to be in my bed drinking my tea, you know, watching my tv show, reading a book, without having to be disrupted, and that's when I started that whole putting my phone on. Do not disturb. So that was me identifying. You know what you're over when you're overstimulated. You can't deal with this after a certain time at night that was one thing I think it just happened, because one person just pissed me off one night.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I'm like you know, I can't do this, but but for people who are people pleases or just trying to figure out, how can I set personal boundaries for myself? You know, even with work, because for me sometimes I find myself responding to emails at 9 pm.

Speaker 1: 11:00

I'm like girl, you've been working, you gotta work four hours ago, you know or I'm responding to an email the minute I wake up from I'm from sleeping in the morning to a manager and I read that that has no. How is my manager emailing me 6 7 am in the morning when I work for 8 30? You know what I mean so I have essentially not established that boundary.

Speaker 1: 11:18

I know it's kind of hard for me to break it, but for people who don't, who can't identify, know what, this is a personal boundary because, you know what? I don't have the capacity to talk to somebody past 10 pm, or even at midday.

Speaker 1: 11:29

I don't have the time to talk to you about. I can't gossip. I got to focus on my job or my school, whatever it is. So for someone who can't necessarily identify, you know what my boundary? I need to create a boundary so I can thrive, like, what advice do you have for them? Because I think it's very crucial that we understand that you know, like you say, it's not always just no, because for me before I was mature.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I'm like you know, if I say no that means I have a boundary and I go. I say no, then like the next day it's a yes. Then I end up getting upset at myself and the individual because, like you know, you didn't stand your ground then. So how can somebody understand or realize, you know what I need to create some personal and professional boundaries, like what are some, I guess, tools or how can we identify that we do even need to establish any sort of boundaries?

Speaker 2: 12:16

Yeah. So I think firstly it's really a mindset thing as well, because it's about our relationship. We've all got like a relationship with boundaries. I think usually it starts off from childhood where you know being told no felt really bad or, you know, would make you sad or angry. And I feel that when we get older, a lot of the time we have, you know, a conflict with really understanding what boundaries are for us and a lot of the time a lot of the people that I kind of come across feel that boundaries are mean, that you're like rude, you're strict, you're rigid, and it's actually the opposite. So there's loads of myths around boundaries, especially that it will like kind of break or ruin relationships. And no, it's actually the opposite Boundaries actually help you to maintain healthy relationships. So a lot of the time if you have set boundaries and maybe somebody hasn't received that well and maybe it has put maybe a spanner in the works for a relationship that you've had, it does show you maybe the health of that relationship and maybe the individual and where they're at in terms of their boundary relationship. So it's really understanding that boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are self-care, you know, and your no is gold.

Speaker 2: 13:27

I think sometimes having these mantras, especially like when starting out, can be really helpful, because there's always going to be that battle, like as you said, like we will experience guilt when we first start setting boundaries, because it does feel odd, because we're like unlearning and relearning something, so it's going to feel uncomfortable. So it's about maybe using these mantras to just help you to, you know, consolidate that or allow that new mindset to just stick ultimately. And then I think the next thing is to trust yourself. I think it's really about trusting yourself. So, for example, like if you maybe you know you might be getting messages, et cetera in the evening and you want to respond to all of them, it's about trusting yourself to know that actually, no, I'm, I see these messages, I see them coming through and I trust myself that in the morning, after I've done you, after I've poured into myself, then I'm gonna go and address all of these things because I'm gonna have the energy I'm gonna have been able to pour into myself.

Speaker 2: 14:25

Because, ultimately, we need to remember that the boundaries are there to protect us, they're there to protect your assets because, again, we are assets. Okay, so we can't pull from an empty cup. And in order for us to make sure that we're pulling from a full cup or a cup that is overflowing. We have those boundaries there to protect our time, to protect our energy and our well-being. Um, when we're running on empty again, just think about how you show up or how you would show up to somebody, and a lot of the times, like for myself, like any time that I'm realizing that maybe I'm running a bit on e and it's getting a bit, my cup's getting a bit empty. If I'm trying to do something, I can't do something properly.

Speaker 1: 15:05

I just can't.

Speaker 2: 15:06

Maybe if I've got an email to send.

Speaker 1: 15:08

It's going to take me three hours yeah, you better, you better speak on in that yes, and then if I've just rested, maybe I've had it.

Speaker 2: 15:16

You know, I've stepped away, I done something else, and then I come back refreshed or with my cup for 10 minutes done, yes, you know. So it's also about us trusting ourselves, listening to our bodies, because, again, that is a big indicator to help us to know, you know where there needs to be a boundary, that where there needs to be a boundary set. So I often say, to help you to like establish really healthy boundaries, it's important for us to like be reflective. So we want to reflect on situations where we feel that we feel frustrated, we feel upset, we feel annoyed, we feel like disrespected. Those are usually the times where we need to set those boundaries. We feel exhausted, we feel overwhelmed. That's where there needs to be some boundaries. So you want to identify what that situation is, get clear on what this boundary is going to be, think about how you're going to communicate this boundary and then, practice.

Speaker 2: 16:08

I think practice always makes perfect to help you to feel confident in actually communicating those boundaries. So, overall, I would definitely say to use mantras to practice and know exactly what you're going to say and what these boundaries are. And also another thing is with boundaries we need to be, we need to trust ourselves, because we also need to know that sometimes, when we set that boundary, we can be flexible. Healthy boundaries are flexible boundaries.

Speaker 2: 16:33

So just because you've got a boundary. Depending on the circumstance, you can, you can shift it slightly. So if you said, okay, I'm going to go to bed at nine, but then you ended up doing something that day, or you had a really busy day and you didn't get to watch your show, you can watch your show for an hour and then go to bed at 10, that's okay, but you're still. You know. That's where we have to have that kind of grace and that lenience. But it all takes practice and learning learning yourself and trusting yourself that you're going to do what you say you're going to do as well and I'm glad you mentioned that.

Speaker 1: 17:02

You know when you said that healthy boundaries are flexible, because I think sometimes especially when you're early on trying to figure out who you are in this current phase of your life, and you know what I need to set these boundaries. Is it going to be healthy? But now we think about it, we have to be so strict. It's like no, sometimes you can.

Speaker 1: 17:16

If they're healthy, they can be flexible because, again, you know, you're not necessarily moving the goalposts to then cause harm upon yourself. You know, yeah, and I think one of the things that I faced before, when I started realizing you know what I have to really be true to who I am and set my boundaries, was, like you know, the pushback.

Speaker 1: 17:32

I got a lot of pushback or you know the non-compliance from people thinking, oh, why are? Why are you setting your boundaries? Or who are you? Because they're so used to Tanya being the nice girl, or she drops everything and come and assist, or she's always available. But then when I realize you know what? It's taken a lot from me, like the cup that I have, it's like it's dripping, trying to find the last drop.

Speaker 1: 17:51

That's how empty, I would run on. So how can we handle any sort of pushback that we may face from others when it comes to setting our boundaries? Because, again, you know, you mentioned communicating. Now we can, because I'm going to be in that mirror like, is there a? And I'm going to be practicing in that mirror you know what I mean, but then by the time you approach the person, at the person's body language or the tone, yeah it can sometimes make you feel nervous or it's not received.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Either you don't say it the way you want to say it, or they're not receiving what you're saying.

Speaker 2: 18:20

They take offense to it then so how can we handle that pushback from?

Speaker 2: 18:23

others when it comes to setting our boundaries, so we're not people pleasing and harming ourselves along the way so this is what I was talking about when I was talking about kind of everyone having different relationships with boundaries. So I think, firstly, that's really important and if you are experiencing any like pushback or resistance, when you know trying to set boundaries or communicate them or honor your own boundaries, it. But I still need to demonstrate and teach people how to treat me. But I think this is where I like to say, compassionate assertiveness comes in. So assertiveness is a form of communication. It's basically you being straight to the point and not beating around the bush. This is like how you're able to stand firm in your boundaries.

Speaker 2: 19:22

But ultimately, when we experience that resistance, I think sometimes calling it out can be really helpful and it might feel uncomfortable. But sometimes others, other people are not aware of you know, maybe how they're responding and how they're reacting, maybe because of where they're at in their journey or their relationship with boundaries, and just really helping. I think when you're communicating, it's about actually making sure you're helping the other person to kind of see where you're coming from, not as a way of kind of over explaining yourself, but you're saying I'm I'm feeling really tired and as much as I'd love to help you or as much as I'd love to come out with you this evening, I'm not able to, and that's it. So it's like compassionate, it's understanding maybe where that person's coming from, but it's also you standing firm in in your boundaries. So it's a kind of like a no, thank you. Yeah, I'd like to kind of see it as.

Speaker 1: 20:16

I think for me, like I mentioned earlier, again a recovering people please, I'm still on my journey.

Speaker 1: 20:23

But I found myself recently because in the last year I was like, you know, okay, I'm doing, I'm consistent when it comes to protecting my, my peace, by way of you know, my boundaries are not really moving the goalposts. But then life happens and you know, months ago I'm like, okay, you know, back to old Tanya to some extent, you know, but what are some ways in which myself and those listening can recognize and address when we are undermining our own boundaries unintentionally? So sometimes, you know, we think I think for me as an overthinker as well. I overthink everything, but sometimes we undermine our own boundaries without even realizing it. So how can we recognize that we are doing that and addressing that? Because for me, I'm not going to say I'm a yes person, but again that, that, because I'm still recovering from being a people pleaser. Sometimes, you know, the brain is not necessarily taking the same amount of time and this is the time we should exercise the instead of saying yes or committed to something or someone.

Speaker 2: 21:12

So how can we recognize and even address in the ways in which we undermine our boundaries without realizing that yeah, I think, again, it's like you know, having that trust in yourself and knowing that you can, you control any situation, because I think a lot of the time is maybe, for example, if we've gone and said yes and then we've like stepped back for a moment and then realized, oh, my gosh, maybe I should have said no, you can go back, like give yourself permission to change your mind and go back and re-communicate. Actually, you know what? I've just realized that I've been over committing, I'm not able to commit to this now, so you can always like pull out and not be afraid to do that. I know some people might feel uncomfortable with that, maybe feeling like they're like flippy, floppy, what have you. But it's part of the learning process and sometimes, as we said, like life gets busy and we don't realize some of the patterns. You know it's it's a lot of years of work that we have to kind of undo and relearn. So we have to be compassionate and graceful with ourselves in that sense and trust that you know, once we're aware, so we've checked in with ourselves because, again, that internal compass, we're going to feel uncomfortable, we might feel drained, we might feel tired. That would be a good indicator for us to actually turn back and maybe change the like you know, change what we, we said, change that commitment. Either say no now or reschedule for another time.

Speaker 2: 22:31

So it's about being confident in that and not being ashamed as well, like we shouldn't be shaming and blaming ourselves, especially like on this journey of learning, because things happen, life happens when we don't realize it sometimes, but I think that's the key when it comes down to like looking after ourselves, is that whole self-awareness. As long as you get a chance whenever it is to check in with yourself if you've realized actually, no, I really needed to set some boundaries in that situation. If you have the capacity and space to do so, go back and like fix it. Go back and fix it and don't shame yourself for maybe getting into that cycle. So maybe you've gotten into that cycle and you've not even realized, you've realized too late. So you've gotten into the situation.

Speaker 2: 23:12

You're maybe helping somebody or you're maybe, at the event, helping someone. You realize, oh my gosh, I I am so drained I should not have committed to this. Yeah, that's going to be a big learning curve for you to say okay before any kind of event or before any invitation. I'm going to pause before I say yes, so putting in new kind of strategies and techniques to help you to avoid like maybe over committing or saying yes, or getting yourself in situations where we, we maybe shouldn't be at that point in time. And it happens to all of us, us like, it happens to me sometimes, like still up until this day and I'm like oh, oh, oh oh, okay caught me off guard there.

Speaker 2: 23:51

You know, and especially if you're like excited about something like, for example, like if there's like a project that you want to get involved in, you might be, you know, full to the brim and you don't, you know you're so excited to be involved, you say yes and then you realize actually no, looking at your calendar, I don't not have the capacity for this. You know it's okay to step back.

Speaker 1: 24:08

It is okay to do that for your own well-being and energy and all of those things yeah, and I think sometimes communicating boundaries to, let's say, a friend may sometimes be a little bit easier. But I want to ask you, like how does one especially coming from Antigua and the Caribbean household, the Black household, you know sometimes we're not allowed to say certain things or even have certain feelings.

Speaker 2: 24:28

That was back then of course we're evolving now.

Speaker 1: 24:31

But how does one communicate, how do we communicate our boundaries with our friends, family, even colleagues, without even causing any sort of friction? Because family is a totally different thing versus your friends.

Speaker 1: 24:42

I don't care what nobody's doing, you've got to sit with your family and say you know what the me of yesterday is, not the me of today, you know, and leave you to respect my boundaries. How can we communicate that? I know you've said it in the past, but I think that when it comes to our family, depending on your relationship as well, you know everyone has different relationships with their families, but it doesn't matter what relationship you have.

Speaker 1: 25:03

Sometimes creating those boundaries can be a lot. So how can we communicate our boundaries without causing any sort of friction or having that fear of friction? Because again, you are who you are, but I feel like sometimes maybe our family doesn't really understand that we have evolved from the person that we are. You know, of course we're here to go and evolve in life, you know. So how do we communicate that without causing any sort of friction? I should even give a damn if they're upset with our boundaries.

Speaker 2: 25:29

Yeah, I think like it's going to be normal. It's really going to be normal to kind of like have that resistance from others. But I definitely understand, like how difficult it can be, especially with family others. But I definitely understand, like how difficult it can be, especially with family. You know they might have seen you growing up and you were a particular way and now things have changed and you're realizing that now I've got to communicate these boundaries and I think it's going to be normal to kind of be a bit uncomfortable, have that fear when it comes down to communicating your boundaries. But you still need to do so and you'll treat it in any other.

Speaker 2: 25:59

But I think sometimes with family it's really helpful to let them know maybe where you're at on your journey. I think sometimes that can help to ease any resistance, to say, look, this is what's going on currently in my life, without over explaining because you don't really have to. I don't want you, to any of you listening, to go down the route of like justifying yourself or feeling like you have to over justify your choices or your decisions because you have the right to have boundaries. That's the end of the story. But it is helpful to help people to be more empathetic to you and understand you know where you're currently at and what you know, what's going on with you and your new rules and your new guidelines, and it's that same kind of a compassionate journaling, like saying what you've got to say, not being around the bush, but saying it with love and it.

Speaker 2: 26:46

I think there's this technique called the broken record technique, meaning you know, be expected to have to continuously repeat yourself because there are going to be people who's going to take a bit of time to adjust to the new you or to you know your boundaries. So it may seem frustrating or it may be like why don't they understand what I'm trying to tell them? But it's about you just still sticking with your guns and not being around the bush, but again communicating with, with that love you. Yeah, we need to communicate them because a lot of the time, what I find is when it comes down to family members, things kind of change or we step back, we back off, but we do.

Speaker 2: 27:27

and but again, like with any kind of form of communication, like it's still having to repeat yourself as gently and taking your time if you need to, but you're still sticking to what you have to say and whatever your boundary is. And again, if you are getting like really terrible resistance and they are not understanding, again it shows you this is the empathy part where they are at in their boundary relationship or with boundaries, because usually if somebody else is, if they're struggling to respect your boundaries or honor your boundaries, they probably do not have any boundaries of their own or there may be like a power struggle thing happening there as well but, that's not you know, up to you to kind of control all of these kind of things, but as long as you do it with grace.

Speaker 2: 28:12

When you're communicating you're thinking about your tone and your delivery. If you're not calm, I would say if you're not calm when communicating, don't say a word. Do not say a word. Come back when you're calm, communicate when you're calm only.

Speaker 1: 28:36

So you can say do you know what we need to talk about something? But when I'm calm, we'll, we'll come back and address this. Yeah, and as we get right towards the end, I want to talk about how can we differentiate between healthy boundaries and isolating ourselves from potential opportunities, because some I think sometimes, or a witness in the past for myself, that I'm having these boundaries. I'm not going to respond to this email. I'm not going to respond to this email. I'm not going to respond to a text, whatever it is Thinking that.

Speaker 1: 28:52

I am, I am quote unquote keeping my boundary and then, with my ADHD brain, I forget. Oh, I just don't want to even face said opportunity that's been offered, because I'm like all in the name of boundaries. So how can we differentiate? Because I think sometimes I'm setting my boundary and then it's like OK, are you setting healthy boundaries or are you isolating yourself from a potential opportunity or good opportunity? So how can we differentiate between those two?

Speaker 2: 29:16

Yeah. So I would say, like, with healthy boundaries. When you're setting healthy boundaries, it's supposed to feel good, right, you're supposed to. Yeah, you might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but it's supposed to kind of give you peace. It's supposed to feel know, aligned and balanced.

Speaker 2: 29:34

And again, like, are we saying, are you setting boundaries to kind of like like self-sabotage as well? Sometimes we have to be mindful of that and then that's where that self-awareness comes in. So again, if you've maybe said no, etc. I would say sometimes it's quite helpful to even do a rain check, no, so, where you check in with yourself and your capacity. And again, if you really don't have the capacity, see if you can reschedule something for another time.

Speaker 2: 29:58

But then again, being mindful and checking in with yourself, like where is this coming from? Like, is this a no because I don't have the capacity or because this is like my boundary at the moment? And can I, can I figure out a way where this is able to work for me? Yeah, within the boundaries that I have. Or, you know, is this like coming from somewhere else? So is it a self-sabotaging behavior? Or, you know, is this really healthy boundary and healthy boundaries?

Speaker 2: 30:25

Again, we have that flexibility. It's supposed to feel balanced. It's supposed to feel, you know, aligned. So we want to make sure that we're continuously checking in with ourselves, checking in with our bodies, seeing how we like feel overall. That's going to be like really, really key there, but it takes time and I feel like, even like with growth opportunities or like opportunities that may kind of come our way, I think you know these opportunities will always come around and if it's like the right time, it's the right time as well. So that's kind of where the trust is. Yeah, knowing that, you know, even if you set this boundary, are people able to kind of like meet you in the middle, or is there another way that you can kind of go around, whatever it is, within the frame, the limit that you have set for yourself?

Speaker 1: 31:08

And you know, we're living in a world right now where we are all attached to our phones, like myself or you know we're living in a social media world, right, and that can have an effect on our mind or mental health, whatever it is. So, in talking about balance and, even again, boundaries as well, what role does self-care play when it comes to maintaining our mental and emotional balance? Because I feel like we are since 2020. We have not been the same. I don't care what nobody says, we have not been the same. I can't even remember what happened in 2019 sometimes you know, so what?

Speaker 1: 31:39

does our self-care? You know mindfulness, what. What does it play when it comes to maintaining our emotional and mental balance? Yeah and what are some things we can do. This is your 40 what we can do yeah, let's get into it I think one of the things.

Speaker 2: 31:55

Um, because I think, right now, self-care, wellness I have to say it is become something that's quite, let's say, trendy at the moment, and it's not a trend, it's definitely a lifestyle, it's definitely a choice and it's really. I think what's happened is because things are so busy and because we've been since, you know, kind of lockdown and all of that like haywire that happened, like in 2020 happened. We kind of got into this habit of like feeling like we have to like catch up, we have to catch up with life and we're just like on the go. But I think really it's important. I think part of like self-care is really making sure that, in order for us to have balance, we are clear on our priorities.

Speaker 2: 32:34

I think it's very easy to forget our priorities and I feel like it's something that needs to be checked in with every day. Often. Often, we need to be asking ourselves even though you might have that things to do list of loads of things, and you've got your schedules planned out for the week of loads of things and you've got your schedules planned out for the week, regardless of what's planned out like am I adhering to, like the priorities that I have and, within those priorities. You cannot forget yourself. You cannot forget yourself because, again, we have to continuously pour into ourselves, because as soon as we like open our eyes in the morning, our cup is getting emptied. So I always say just make sure that you're serving yourself first and, before you like, schedule out and plan out. If you're one of those people, um, before you say yes, or you plan out your, your week or what have you, or your day, make sure that you've patterned yourself so you've put yourself in that schedule as well.

Speaker 2: 33:28

Um, there's a book by Stephen Covey, seven habits ofits of Highly Successful People, and there's just a quote in there that stood out to me forever, and it was don't prioritize your schedule.

Speaker 2: 33:40

Something along the lines of don't prioritize your schedule, but prioritize your priorities, and you are also one of those priorities as well. So I always like to add that on is that you are your priorities as well. So if we actually schedule our priorities, we will have that balance anyway, and we're not finding that balance because we are only focusing on work. So we need to make sure that self-care is included in our schedule and joy is included in our schedule, because these are the things that are going to release the stress and help you to take your mind off work if that's something that's quite stressful, any other important thing that you've got going on but I always like to say that with balance it's not like a seesaw or like a scale where we're trying to find that balance and everything. We're trying to do everything all at once. It's actually more of a salsa dance. I've not ever done salsa dancing before.

Speaker 1: 34:31

We've seen it. We've seen it.

Speaker 2: 34:34

I have definitely seen it, We've seen it. So when people are salsa dancing, you know they're going forward, they're going back, they're going forward, they're having a little spin around.

Speaker 2: 34:42

So that's the same kind of you know kind of approach that we want to take. You know, what am I stepping into? So what's my focus right now? And then again we step back, we take a step back and then we go into something else. So it's like, okay, right now the focus is work, and now I'm going to step back and then I'm going to do some self-care and then I'm going to step back, I'm going to do some relaxation, I'm going to step back, do a little twirl and we go back. So that's kind of the flow. So we're going for more of a flow instead of trying to do everything at once, because again, that's not as realistic. So seeing it more as a salsa dance rather than trying to balance the scales is just another, more helpful way to think about kind of balance, because again we go into seasons, we have different seasons in our life and we're at different paces and different tempos, so we have to honour and respect that as well instead of like forcing ourselves, because, again, that that leads to burnout as well.

Speaker 2: 35:35

so things that we can do, I would say is definitely making sure that you've got some sort of routine where you're pouring into yourself, um, so whether it's like a 30 minute or even 10 minute self-care moment where you maybe go into nature, you go for a walk, you do breath, work, journaling is one of my, my favorite things as well um, so that you can kind of connect with yourself, because again we said that the world is getting fast placed, we're getting

Speaker 2: 36:03

distracted and then we miss opportunities to check in with ourselves. So we miss those warning signs, we miss those maybe headaches that we're getting, we ignore feeling tired and we're just going and we're on autopilot. So taking those moments out, so having that self-care moment for yourself so you can pull back into yourself, is really important, and then I always like recommend having a rest and rest reflect and reset day in your week so you can like reflect on how the week's going.

Speaker 2: 36:34

You can take some time for yourself and then you can set yourself up for a more successful week. So you're taking time to check in, learn from the week before and progress forward with success.

Speaker 1: 36:47

Well, I love that. I love that and, as we are wrapping up this episode, I'm going to be in your business, so tell us one of your personal mantras or quote that helps you to maintain balance and avoid burnout. That's a very real thing. I don't care what anybody says to me. We all experience some, you know, trying to keep up with the world, trying to achieve our goals and whatnot, and here in the Tea Tasting Room, we like to have a mantra or quote.

Speaker 2: 37:14

So leave us with one of your personal mantra quote that helps you maintain balance and avoid burnout. I've got two. I've got two. Okay, the morning, maria, go ahead. So one. They all rhyme as well, by the way, so one is when you rest you do your best.

Speaker 2: 37:27

So that's just something to remind myself again, being somebody who's been like a workaholic, an ex-people pleaser, sometimes it's just helpful to give myself that reminder that actually when I rest I do my best and we do like when we have had time to like recoup, we come better. So that's just a great reminder. And then the next one is for my busy bees, like if you're so busy and sometimes you feel like you haven't had a lot of time to pour into yourself is to just remember that something is better than nothing. So you know, two minutes of journaling is better than nothing. You know, five minutes of reading, um, a couple of pages of your book, is better than nothing.

Speaker 1: 38:04

So you know, I'm, I'm glad you, you said that that part, that last one, something is better than nothing. Because, child honey, let me tell you, I'd be like you know, I don't want to, just want to go to sleep, which, like you say, you know, reading a page or two, taking five minutes to journal. You don't have to sit for like 30 minutes to write an entire storybook. You know, it's just, something is better than nothing, you know and that's how we develop our routines as well, you know exactly because I know for me when I first started journaling.

Speaker 1: 38:27

I'm like you know I have to sit down, spend a whole hour you know, you get to pick and choose and create what your routine looks like, what your journaling routine, whatever it is yeah, I'm like you know. So I love that something is better than nothing, you know, that's it. Well, yeah, well, thank you for being here.

Speaker 1: 38:44

Shanley, my pleasure did we get Shanley or Shanley who we had today? Yeah, you had a bit of both Because, guys, in the beginning she told me she has an alter ego. It's called Shanley, so I was wanting to make sure we got who we got. She said a bit of both. So you know we'll take it, but before you go tell people where they can find you and support you.

Speaker 2: 39:03

Yes, so you can follow me on all socials and it's at Shanley Lewis, so S-H-A-N-L-E-Y-L-E-W-I-S. And you can also follow Good To Me, which is my brand, so it's Good To Me UK G-O-O-D-T-O-M-E-U-K. And you can go and check out my website for loads of resources and everything else on at wwwgoodtomeukcom.

Speaker 1: 39:31

Well, thank you, shanley. I hope to have you back here in the tea tasting room because, like I said, we go together real bad. Ok, we do. Thank you for joining me for another episode of Tea with Tanya. If you like this episode, be sure to share it with a friend. Don't forget to follow on Instagram at Tea with Tanya podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the weekly Tea Talk newsletter and, of course, rate on Apple or Spotify and subscribe wherever you listen. See you next time. I love you for listening.