Dramatic music up and out.
Announcer: Meanwhile in the palace of Azura, Flash and the Queen have returned from battle and begin to dine. Flash sits alone as servants surround him with appetizers.
Flash: Very well. I'll take the Zinda slice and more Zola dip. I am getting full. I’ve tried everything from A to Z now.
SFX door opens
Flash: Well, it's about time. What kept you, Azura? You’d think you had to make the vodka instead of just pour it.
Azura: I'm sorry it took me so long, Flash.
Flash: Were you baking bread or something? Waiting for yeast to rise?
Azura: Oh calm down, Flash. No one had prepared your drink. They were all just standing around the Ming head taking bets on the color of the red flashes.
Flash: Oh, Azura,, Flashes! Haha That’s me! This is a night of celebration for everyone. You know, it’s such a great day. Listen, I have ideas for some new holidays for the kingdom.
Azura: Let's not spoil this nice night, my prince.
Flash: I’ve also been thinking about this whole Dale Arden and Dr Zarkov thing.
Azura: Meeting them and learning their Earth names, you mean?
Flash: No. I mean how the whole show is named after them now. Like they are somehow the most important thing! Are we the villains or something? Or worse?
Azura: Worse than the villains?
Flash: Yeah. Are we the… guest stars?
Azura: Drink this vodka. Have one of these little cakes. I'm sure you'll like it.
Flash: Thanks. Not yet.
Azura: Now! So, what shall we talk about?
Flash: Your beauty, my queen. On the inside, beneath the celestial tapestry of Mongo, hidden within the core of your being
Azura: Oh Flash. Go on my sexy ruler. But, do drink as well.
Flash: In a galaxy where appearances can deceive, your inner allure reveals itself not at all in the mirror’s reflection, but in the subtle almost inconsequential gestures of your reign.
Azura. Oh Flash. Let me call in my court so they can hear of your love for their Queen.
SFX hand claps.
Azura: I’m flashing on all the Ming heads to announce this. Everyone. Your Queen wishes to share a moment with you. Go on Flash, and don’t forget our evening drink.
SFX doors open, a crowd gathers. Murmurs.
Flash. The drink can wait… as we all gather here to wait for your unique charm to one day emerge, not from the fleeting allure of any outward grace or physical beauty, but from the profound depths of your… occasional acts of kindness!
Azura: Why yes. I love to rule my blue magic men.
Flash: Yes, Queen Azura with every one of the very few of your… modest contributions to the realm’s myriad causes. You remind us that your beauty lies not at all in the mirror’s gaze, but in your rare, and might I say, surprising moments of generosity.
Azura: I see Flash. Do have that drink.
Flash: No, I'm actually not thirsty. Maybe when I’m done here,
.
Azura: I really think you need to-
Flash: Gathered guests. Dignitaries. Long time slaves and temps. I must say while the cosmos may be dazzled by radiant stars, it is your queen’s… camouflaged splendor, and those sporadic gestures of goodwill, that truly illuminate the heart of Mongo. Your… let’s face it, most… unconventional beauty.
SFX. Sound of courtiers murmuring, a mix of amusement and shock
Azura: Oh, Sir Flash, your words are as… ‘unique’ as you apparently think my beauty is… as you seem to describe it in this new relentless way. It’s heartening to know that amidst the cosmos, one can find such… ‘singular’ appreciation for my efforts. And appearance.
Flash: Now that I think about it, your face is much like a rare, exotic flower that one hopes blooms in the dark!
SFX: Some gasps. A pin drops.
Flash: Why, your face could launch a thousand ships! In much the same way a… meteorite might inspire starships to flee from a horrid extinction level event! Your visage, like the ancient meteor, blazes its craggy, pockmarked surface across the night sky to our doom.
SFX Sound of the court erupting in a mix of laughter and shocked whispers.
Azura: Thank you Flash. Everyone, let us adjourn court, that we might all ponder the… ‘depths’ of my Prince Flash’s… commendations. Court dismissed.
SFX: People filing out.
Flash: Your Majesty, if I may, your presence here is as commanding as the mighty bovine of Mongo’s vast prairies! Majestic creatures, revered for their… rotund stature, distended nipples and indispensable contributions to the pastoral grass! The very essence of them I recall now just looking at you and inhaling!!
Azura: A lot of talking.. Yap, yap. Must make you thirsty. Drink!
Music up
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, we find ourselves at a pivotal moment in the ‘Remarkable Interplanetary Adventures of Dale and Zarkov.’ Where, you might ask, does that leave our once-celebrated hero, Flash Gordon? Indeed, it appears our dashing Flash has been… eclipsed, as the tales of Dale’s cunning and Zarkov’s genius capture the galaxy’s imagination. A twist of fate, or a cosmic reevaluation of heroism?
Flash: Huh? That doesn’t feel right. That doesn’t sound like it should! I, uh, well, it’s only right that Dale and Zarkov receive their due recognition. After all, it’s been a… team effort, right? But why is-
Announcer.
Has the forgetful hero’s journey taken a turn, perhaps revealing that the line between a short term hero and… a long ongoing ‘villain’ is thinner than we imagined?
Flash: Now wait a minute. I… I always thought I was doing the right thing. Were my actions truly heroic, or was I just another… obstacle in the grand narrative of Mongo?”
Music swells
Flash: I'll have one of the cakes.
Azura: Nothing to drink with them? Take this flagon.
SFX. Queen Azura coughs.
Flash: Here, Azura.
SFX. Drinking.
Azura : (Coughs). Oh I was choking Flash, I'll sip more of my flagon of drink. I prepared it for myself separately. Hold it! Yours is empty?!?
Flash: It's fine. You drank some of mine, just now.
Azura: What?!?
Flash: I’ll get yours there. I put it down on that footstool. Give me your one-handed flagon! You had a hard day of it, Azura. Ah, it tastes good. You're sure you don't care for any more of my drink, Azura ?
Azura. No. No more for me, thanks…mister…um….
Flash: Yours here is enough of a flagon for me. Now, I really need to do something about the title of this show.
Azura: What show?
Flash: The Dale Arden and Hans Zarkov show!
Azura: Who?
Flash: Exactly!
Music up and under
Announcer
Meanwhile in the palace kitchen, Dale Arden and Dr. Hans Zarkov are making plans…
Zarkov: Dale!
Dale. Yes, Doctor Zarkov?
Zarkov: I have it. I have a plan to save us all. Let me gather this meat.
Dale. You have a plan? Oh, what is it, Doctor Zarkov?
Zarkov. Turn on this Vortex Hydropulse Extractotron to mask our conversation from the guards.
SFX. A mechanical motor sound.
Zarkov: Quickly, feed it my meat.
Dale. Um, there.
SFX. A mechanical flopping, slapping wet sound continues under conversation.
Zarkov: Ahh.
Dale. Now, Doctor Zarkov, what is your plan?
Zarkov. While you were gone, the guard slashed me with his electric whip. I just thought of a way to repay him. Now, I want you to knock over those space peaches piled up there on that table.
Dale. But, then the guard will beat me.
Zarkov: Mmmm. Oh, god you’re right, this is a terrible plan. Mmm.
Dale: That was all you came up with while you were being beaten with the electric whip? That I should knock over space peaches and also get beaten?
Zarkov: Pretty much. Mmmmm. Yes.
Dale: How about when I knock the dishes over, you jump up on that platform and grab one of those electrodes. The one there being used to roast the meat. I’ll swing its flaming ray on the space cheeses and the guard as they stop for you.
(Beat)
Zarkov: No. Mmmm. Wow, no. (sounding like he’s about to sneeze) That doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Dale : Dr. Zarkov! It’s better than your idea. Let’s try my idea.
Zarkov : Okay. The guards are coming. If that’s all we’ve got, Dale. Then this mmmmust not fail. Hurry. This thing is succeeding.
Dale: Um, very well.
Zarkov: Here it goes. Ooof! Oh that thing works!
SFX. Hydro Sucker turned off.
Zarkov: Now the plan. Do as I tell you!
Dale : Do as you tell me? It was my idea, Doctor.
SFX: Footsteps rush in.
Zarkov: Go Dale! Stand back all of you or this assortment of space cheeses will be burned to a crisp!
Music sting
Announcer: Can Doctor Zarkov single handedly overcome Queen Azura's guards and rescue Dale Arden? Well, I’ll tell ya. Doctor Zarkov stands on the platform in the kitchen, the flaming ray of an electrode aimed at the cheese assortment. The guard is now calling for everyone to stand back.
Zarkov : If you take another step towards Dale Arden, I'll burn this space cheese to a crisp. Take that torch away from them, Dale. Now, take away those electric whips or the cheese gets it.
Guard protests.
Dale: I have the whips. Can you find the keys to your manacles?
Zarkov: I'll look. Hmmm, it might be a bit difficult to look for them and still menace the space cheese, Dale.
Dale: I see that, now that I think about it.
Zarkov. Fine. Can you just find the keys, Dale?
Dale: Yes. I've got the keys. Take off your pants!
Zarkov: Why?
Dale: I told you I’ve been so lonely without Flash. I’m sorry, I’ve just wanted to have someone to say 'take off your pants' to for so long now.
Zarkov: I see we really need to reunite you with Flash.
Dale: Yes, but until then, let’s get all the guards' uniforms off and chain them together on that spikey dining chair. There.
Zarkov: Listen, I appreciate that you've been frustrated without Flash and I don’t know what kind of things you both were into but-
SFX Chains.
Dale. I have them chained!
Zarkov: Please undo my manacles.
SFX footsteps
Zarkov: Listen. What is that?
Dale.: The other guards must be bringing Thune in from his cell.
Zarkov: Where is Thune stationed for his work?
Dale: Right over there.
Zarkov: Dale, come down this way under the ray of the electrodes.
Dale: No. Are you crazy?
Zarkov: Just testing to see if you’d do it.
Dale : Now that they are all chained up in here and gagged, why don’t you stop burning the cheese.
Zarkov: Okay. Maybe if we stand behind this advanced refrigeration machine, they won’t see us when they bring Thune in the kitchen. I will get the drop on them with the ray!
Dale: Oh, brilliant. I'm so glad you came. We never would have done anything without you, Doctor Zarkov.
Zarkov: Thank you, Dale. Thank you. Appreciation always makes a thing worthwhile.
Dale: I was being sarcastic.
Zarkov: Oh.
Dale. Listen! You two guards, not a word out of you. Let’s take off our clothes and put their uniforms on, Doctor Zarkov.
Zarkov: Open my manacles?
SFX muffled struggling.
Zarkov: That's it. Quiet now. Everybody.
Dale : I think they are just frightened by your back hair, Doctor.
SFX. More muffled struggling
Dale: And that thing on your thigh.
SFX footsteps enter.
Guard 3: Step over here, Thune. You'll be chained to your station as usual. Now, prisoner, make that space stir-fry again. But beware, your choice of vegetables, while commendably diverse, raised questions regarding your adherence to traditional stir-fry orthodoxy.
Thune: How dare you! What is it thy means by thy accusation!? The Lion Man tradition of the inclusion of Mongo Brussels sprouts, an audacious yet questionable decision, lent a certain dissent to the otherwise Asian-inspired symphony of flavors Ming enjoys.
Zarkov: Stand back from him, you hungry guard!
Thune: Dr. Zarkov, These eyes are quite glad to see thine own.
Zarkov: And you, Thune.
Thune YELPS
Zarkov: Sorry. Let me turn off these electrode rays and try that hug again.
Thune. Now, I’m glad to see you, Dr Zarkov. This is a better hug.
Zarkov Don’t move guard number three! I have this electrical ray trained on you. You’re next
Guard 3: I don’t want a hug like that.
Zarkov: One move out of you or the naked guards chained to the chair spikes, and I will fix you so the queen herself would not know you from this carcass here.
Dale: So, isn't this wonderful, Thune?
Thune: Um, what part princess?
Dale: That Dr Zarkov is thawed and here to help us!
Thune: Indeed it is, princess.
Zarkov. Guard number three. I have your electric ray and whip and a couple of questions to figure out who's telling the truth about what’s going on here. Guard number one?
Guard 1: Yes?
SFX: Electric whip and body fall.
Zarkov: Release Thune at once, do you hear. At once or I'll turn this ray up!
Guard 3: But, you just killed Guard Number One with it!
Dale: So?!?
Zarkov: So, I’ll still turn it up and double kill you, number two!
Guard 3: Wow. Settle down. Jesus. I hate this job.
Dale: Just wait until these manacles are off Guard Number Three!
Guard 3: What possible incentive is there for me to take them off you anytime soon if you’re promising to kill us?
Dale: Just do it or sit in that chair with them!
Guard 2: Wow. She’s irritable.
Dale: I can’t imagine why!
SFX. Manacles unlocked, chains drop
Thune: Oh, there. Now, oh, but it feels good to have those chains off. Now what can I do?
Dale: Now, chain up who’s left to those other nude guards, Thune.
Thune: Everyone?
Dale: Yes! Obviously.
Thune. Good work, Princess. You're a brave girl. Here you. Hold still, guard. There.
Alright. You're next. Come on. Put your hands behind your back.
Dale: Hey! What are you doing, Thune?!?
Thune: Quiet! You too, Zarkov!
Zarkov: But?
Thune : Do it! You heard what thine own princess said, “chain up everyone.”
Dale: I see you remain maddeningly literal, Thune. I should have been more specific.
Thune:: After what these guards have done to me, princess. I can hardly think critically.
Dale: You were only in there a half hour.
(beat)
Thune: Good.
(Beat)
Thune: You. You're next.
Zarkov: Well, I don't know, Thune. I don’t know what they did to you and I don’t think I could-
Thune: Hey, hold still!
Dale: Where’d you get the ball gag, Thune.
Zarkov: (through ball gag) What has come over you, Captain Thune?
Thune: I told you! The guards.
Zarkov: Oh…. I understand. Thune, just step back from the guard a little. I will give him a taste of flaming rays.
Thune: No. No. it’s fine. Turn thy thing away
Guard 3: Okay! . I'll put my hands behind my back! Just don’t-
Thune: I think one good poke in his jaw for me and he’ll behave.
Dale: Thune, I’ve never seen you like this!
Thune: They say curiosity killed the cat, but “poke the lion man too often, and you’ll find out what curiosity resurrects!” That quote was attributed to the ill-fated, lion man General Whiskerus Prime!
Zarkov: All right . Let’s keep calm logical heads.
Thune: Keep calm logical heads? “Poke the lion man once, shame on you, poke him twice, prepare to bid adieu!” another quote, probably by someone who met a lion man as irritated as I am now… You! You there! You know what I’m talking about guard!
SFX struggling sounds
Guard 3: Hey! Hey okay!
Thune: That's what you'll get if you give me any troubles. You, over there!
Zarkov: That is right. Do not let them try anything with you.
Thune: Alright. Now, I'll do you next.
Dale: Huh?!
Thune: Oh, you've decided to use your head and put your hands behind your back, That's good. It certainly makes it easier for both of us. There, now you're safe from me for a while. Good.
Zarkov: Now, we are in control of the kitchen. Let's take over the rest of the palace.
Dale. Yes. Thune. Untie me. Then, we can escape.
Zarkov: Wait Children. Children. I see how fortunate it is that I was brought here. We are in a kitchen. First, we should prepare a meal. Then, before we take over the palace, we eat here at this chrome dinette table.
SFX guards muffled cries,
Thune: With the guards here? That would not do at all. Their hands are chained and they cannot eat.
Zarkov: True. Never do what you can get someone else to do for you.
Dale: What do you mean?
Zarkov: We shall get control of the palace. Alright? In fact, we shall have control of the whole land. How wonderful. But, we must proceed to do one important thing at a time. First, let’s unchain the guards and force them to make us Space Eggs Benedict.
Thune: Why?? Dale? Are you sure you're happy that Dr Zarkov is here to show us what to do?
Dale: What the hell is Space Eggs Benedict?
Zarkov. And once we have eaten Space Eggs Benedict with eggs poached to precise perfection using a sous-vide machine at 62.8°C for exactly 45 minutes. Garnished Iberico ham, aged 36 months, then thinly sliced with a Mongo laser cutter for uniformity then we shall conquer the kitchen.
Thune: I want smooth Mongo muffins!
Dale: Oh?
Thune: In the shape of “sourdough clouds” — aerated in a vacuum chamber and then lightly toasted with this blowtorch.
SFX. Blowtorch switched on.
Zarkov: Oh and Hollandaise sauce re-imagined as a foam, emulsified with a precise ratio of clarified butter to lemon-infused egg yolks, aerated using a siphon charged with nitrogen cartridges with a dusting of hand-harvested Himalayan pink salt to complete the dish.
Dale: Guys. We're in a hurry. Is that what you want? For these tied up, simple guards to prepare all that for you now that time is short?
Thune: Perhaps as a side, artisanal baby vegetables grown in a miniature hydroponic vegetable garden?
SFX guards make muffled questioning sounds
Dale: Sure guys. I’ll unchain you right now if you can actually cook all that.
Zarkov: You could understand what they said?
Dale: I’ve spent a lot of time around blindfolds and ball gags, Dr Zarkov.
(Beat)
Dale: I was a school teacher back on Earth.
Thune: My princess!
Zarkov: We can discuss that over breakfast and how Azura was giving Flash her chemical potion of forgetfulness.
Thune: Speaking of food, Dr Zarkov, I watched every morsel of food that was sent to Flash. Including the salads sprinkled with my own essence. Every item was taken from the same pans and kettles as Queen Azura's food.
Zarkov: I see.
Dale: And nothing was put in it here in the kitchen.
Zarkov: I apologize, Captain Thune. Seems you were wasting your time watching the Queen’s food. Well, then if the drug was not put in the food before it left the kitchen, when was it put in?
Thune: Dale served the food to Flash.
Dake: Why are you accusing me?!
Thune: I’m not
Dale: Okay.
Thune: But, interesting that thou protest so much.
Dale: Hey!
Zarkov: What did you see when you served the food, Dale?
Dale: Both the Queen's lack of the same portions of the dishes as I passed them around and that the louder and longer her belch, the higher the praise Azura had for the meal.
Zarkov: So, she did nothing suspicious with the food?
Dale: I never saw her make a motion towards it after she helped herself. And the drug could not have been put in this food.
Sfx footsteps.
Saul: (distance) Guard!
Thine: Prince Zarkov, here comes Saul.
Saul. Come on. Guard. Why do all of you always hide when I come into a room?
Saul: Guard!
(SFX Rustles
Saul: Where are they? Oh. What are you doing chained up naked like this again?
Sfx muffled guards struggle.
Zarkov: They are doing what you will be doing if you cause us any trouble, Saul!
Saul: Oh, the prisoner!. Stop them!
Dale: Who are you talking to Saul? Them? They’re tied up!
Saul: Take your hands off me.
Thune. Alright. I have him securely held, Doctor Zarkov.
Saul. Zarko!
Zarkov: That is not my name. It is Zarkov. Does it mean anything to you?
Saul. Ugh. Yes. You are the great scientist, blah blah. Zarko the wizard of the earth people.
Dale: That is true.
Saul: Now, I understand the queen's orders.
Zarkov: What were her orders?
Saul: You were to be revived with particular care. By me. Remember.
Zarkov: Yes
Dale: Why are you clutching your buttcheeks, Doctor?
Zarkov: Sense memory. Why did you revive me in that way Saul, if I may I ask?
Saul: I see it all now. Azura appointed Flash Gordon over me as commander in chief of all the armies. Now, she wants you carefully preserved. I am a fool.
Dale: Finally, we all agree on something.
Saul. She's planning on having you, Zarkov, replace me.
Zarkov: What?
Saul: She's tired of me. She wants new faces around her. New ideas. Part of her Renaissance Initiative. She was thrilled to unveil this transformative plan to infuse the rulers of Mongo with more dynamic, inclusive authoritarianism under the forward thinking governance of Ming. Rebranded as Ming the Ethical- emphasizing accountability, transparency, fabulous discounts and service .
Dale: That, ummm. Doesn’t sound too bad actually.
Saul: But, I am the only one who can make the drug of forgetfulness for her.
Zarkov: That's the only thing that prevents us from doing away with you!
Saul: What is?
Zarkov: You telling us how Azura gives Flash the drug of forgetfulness.
Saul. Hehe. Oh yes. You'd like to know that, wouldn't you?
Thune: We would. Sure.
Saul: Yes. Yes. Of course, to be sure.
Zarkov: What is more, we mean to find out. Saul knows more than he will admit.
Thune: Maybe he carries the drug on him.
Dale: That is an idea worth considering.
Thune: Thank you, Dale. Come and search him, Princess.
Saul: Search me if you like.
Thune: Certainly, we shall search.
SFX Rustling clothes. Saul makes low giggles.
Zarkov: Nothing. He has nothing on him.
Thune: What's this?
Zarkov: His sword.
Thune: I think we can use it to better advantage.
Zarkov Saul, a while ago, you pressed the point of this sword against my chest while I asked you questions about that warming massage you gave me. You said to me, “One move and you would thrust it into me”….like your hand did.
Saul: So I did.
Zarkov: Now, I press it against your chest while I ask another question. I warn you, a wrong answer or no answer at all and I will thrust it in you like Flash in Azura!
Dale: Hey!
Zarkov: Sorry, bad analogy.
Thune: And if his hand falters, my hand will finish the job like it did in jail…. (angrily) with the greatest of pleasure.
Saul: Ewww.
Zarkov: Talk Saul!
Saul: What… What do you wish to know?
Zakov: Tell me. How does Azura give Flash the drug of forgetfulness?
Saul: I don’t remember.
Zarkov: You don’t remember because she gave you it too? Or are you lying?
Saul: Who's lying?
Zarkov: You are, about the forgetfulness drug!
Saul: No, I genuinely don't remember.
Zarkov: So, she did give you the drug!
Saul: Who gave me what now?
Zarkov: Azura! The drug of forgetfulness!
Saul : Oh, she forgot to give it to me?
Zarkov: So, you do remember!
Saul: Remember what?
Zarkov: About the drug!
Saul: What drug?
Zarkov: The drug of forgetfulness!
Saul: Forgot about that one. Good one!
Zarkov: So, you admit there is a drug!
Saul: A drug for what?
Zarkov: Forgetfulness!
Saul: What were we talking about again?
Thune: You don’t remember what I said, Saul?
Saul: No. I remember she put that drug in his wine and the Mongo Vodka.
Dale: That's why she keeps calling for it and repeating toasts and offering it to him as a performance enhancer.
Zarkov: Why, of course. Is that true Saul?
Saul: Yes. Every day she gives him a special 2 handed flagon. So, she doesn’t drink it accidentally.
Dale: Like this?
SFX; Object picked up
Saul: Yeah. Yeah. Stop, your hands are cold. That flagon is the one that had some of the drug in it now.
Thune: Dale. That is the one you took to Azura by Saul’s order soon after they brought me here.
Zarkov: You drugged him, Dale.
Dale: Yes. So, that is how Flash has been given the drug.
Saul: Yes. You have been drugging your own sweetheart and keeping him from recognizing you. Hehehe.
Dale: Will Flash ever forgive me?
Zarkov: Sure.
Thune: Why of course, princess. It might take a while.
Dale: Oh.
Thune: Weeks, maybe... years, even. Decades aren't off the table. But remember, I'll be right here for you, Dale. Until he does. If you ever need a shoulder, or a lap, or a mane to cry on, I'm your lion man. Flash is great, sure. A real trooper among us mere soldiers. But sometimes, it’s like he doesn’t really care, you know? I mean Dale said you just met Flash on a plane. You know, not really there when you need to talk at 2 AM about the existential dread of the messed up thing you did. Drugging him. Sending him into the arms of another woman. Making him the villain really in his own story.
Dale: That's…sort of true, Thune.
Thune: I mean, I'm not saying I'm better, but I did win third place in the Mongo Air Guitar competition. Not to brag or anything.
Dale: That's... nice, Thune.
Thune: You see, on Mongo we perform songs without actual guitars, all are judged on air guitar skills, stage presence, and "airness." And the one with the most elaborately styled mustache and beard and the longest, fullest mane wins. Like this.
Dale: Okay.
Thune: Like mine, Dale. Like mine.
Dale: Sure, Thune. We are good friends. I like your mane.
Thune: I’m here for you. You didn't know you were giving him the drug. Though Flash might hate you for drugging him…when he finds out.
Dale: I'll never give it to Flash any more.
Saul: (sigh) Oh, yes you will “give it to him” I’m sure.
Music up and under
Announcer: That night when the eyes of the dragon flash, the signal that Queen Azura wishes more of the drug laced vodka brought in, Dale takes in the tray with the same 2 flagons as before right here on the Adventures of Dale and Zarkov show.
Flash: On the Dale and Zarkov show?? What the heck is going on here?
Azura: Here comes your drink, my prince. And the slave girl is more prompt than usual.
Flash: I can’t place it but the name the announcer keeps saying for the show makes it seem like I’m the bad guy. Dale… Dale and-
Azura: Here. calm yourself over it with this drink. The 2 handled flagon is yours, you know.
Flash: Yes. Either one is fine. I'll get it, Azura. Thanks.
Azura: No!
Flash: Huh? Sorry I’m just feeling distracted I keep thinking about-
Dale: Wait!
Azura: What is the meaning of this presumption, please?
Dale: Azura has drugged your drink, Flash! It’s gotten so bad it’s not even your show anymore.
Azura: You lie, girl!
Flash: What are you saying?!
Dale: And that 2 handed flagon is Befuddleberrium, the drug of forgetfulness.
Azura: Oh, pay no attention to the girl, my prince. Dale must be mad!
Flash: Dale! Like in the show!?
Azura: That stupid show.
Flash: Stupid show?! These are my adventures. Not theirs! What have you had me doing with you all this time?
Azura: I can show you, now. But Dale won’t like it.
Dale: Errr. Every time you have emptied the flagon, you have renewed the wicked queen's power over you. She has caused you to forget who I am, who you are, Flash!
Azura: Don't listen to her. Here, let’s drink to her getting whipped again by me. Guards!
Dale: All of your guards are tied up in the kitchen.
Azura: Making what?
Dale: Space Eggs Benedict.
Azura: What the hell is Space Eggs Benedict??
Dale: And mongo shaved muffins.
Flash: Dale? Shaved muffin… Dale! I remember…
Azura: Ugh. Guards!
Dale: It won't do you any good to call for your guards. They won't answer you. Oh Flash, you remember the shaved muffin now! It’s wearing off! Tell me you don't believe a thing she is saying. You’ve always been our hero. Every story has its ups and downs, even if you’ve spent the last five or more episodes making love to her, trying to kill us and large swaths of armies, oh and ignoring my peril and freezing Dr Zarkov…but that doesn’t change who you are to us.
Flash: Well, it seems somewhat believable. And they do keep mentioning you in the show name which feels wrong….
Azura: It is a lie. A lie.
Dale: Here, Flash, take this flagon. If she has not drugged it, then let the Queen drink from it.
Flash: Yes.
Azura: Let go of me, Dale!
Flash: Here, Azura, first kiss me and do that thing with your tongue so that I can prove to Dale you mean almost nothing to me. Then, drink this and prove that this slave girl is wrong.
Azura: But you, don't believe me? I thought you loved me.
Dale: Um, no need to kiss her to prove she means nothing to you for my benefit,
Don't listen to her, Flash. Words mean nothing. Get her to drink from this flagon.
Flash: Of course she'll drink from it. Won't you, Azura? Here.
Azura: No. No. No. I will not touch your drink.
Flash: What?
Dale: There. You see? She won't drink it. It's drugged just as I told you.
Flash: You cow! Azura, I believe you did drug my drink. We'll soon find out. Now swallow it.
Azura: No. No. Hold it.
(Pause)
Azura: (smacks lips in fake drink). Oh, I can't remember anything.
Flash: You haven’t taken a drink yet.
Azura: Where… where am I? What happened? Who am I?
Dale: Nice try, Queen.
Azura: Who… who am I? Uh. Dammit.
Flash: Open your mouth and drink.
SFX pouring water
Azura: No. No..This is good. What is it? Fill me more, Flash… with this good…What is good? Good is but a... a construct, a thing you say when... when you... And who, pray tell, are you? Oh, what's the word? Commend? No, that's not right. Compliment? Confound it, words are such slippery… kitties! That’s not the word…
Flash: Oh, it's true Dale. She’s forgotten!
Dale: Yes, my darling. She's been drugging you.
Azura: Oh, botheration, what's that thing I do with my mouth?
Flash: Ummm. Dale is here. Did you forget that too?
Azura: Speak! Yes, that's it. Speak. But why do we speak? And what's with these sounds…uhhhhh…I’m making….psssst mmmmmm. Blehhhh, blehh……
Zarkov: Flash Gordon!.
Flash: Why, you are the man who called me friend!
Zarkov: Yes! Here. This medicine and the realization that the show is rapidly no longer about you is bringing back your memory, Flash. That is, if you have not been under the influence of the potion too long? Drink this.
Flash: Hold on…Zarkov was it?
Zarkov: Yes. Quickly. Drink.
Flash: After all this manipulation and drugging me, you expect me to now drink another nameless substance given to me by people I just met claiming to be friends with me?!?!
Zarkov: Yes. We are good friends.
Flash: Before I drink this, I will say my memory is already returning. In fact. I am remembering many important things.
Zarkov: Very good, my dear friend.
Flash: I remember you laughing on a rocketship crashing and saying you might kill me with a gun pointed at me. If you and I are old dear friends then tell me, do you remember when I decided to start a trend by wearing socks with sandals to school every day for a month, thinking it would catch on, but instead I ended up with the nickname? What was it?
Zarkov; Well, to be honest I did only meet you as we escaped Earth in a rocket ship a few weeks ago. But I’ll guess…Flip-Flops Flash?
Flash: No.
Zarkov: Footsie Gordon?
Flash: No.
Zarkov: Lord Birkenstock of Socklandia?
Flash: Nope.
Zarkov: Toesy McSandalfoot?
Flash: Old friends eh?! Ha!! It took you four tries to get it right!
Zarkov: Really?
Flash: And you’re going to make me drink another drug! And you! Dale. We are lovers in love?
Dale: Why yes, Flash. You and I love each other.
Flash: Where was our first date then?
Dale: Well, we haven’t had time for a first date.
Flash: But, you said we are in love. How can that be if we’ve never even had a date?
Dale: Well. We were on a plane. I saw you. It crashed. We got on a rocket with him.
Flash: You knew him?
Dale: No. Well, I mean we both met him when he came out with the gun. To…kill..us…but then we were friends. Right Dr. Zarkov?
Zarkov: Sure.
Dale: And then we got here and then captured by Aura and Ming and separated…and
Flash: This all sounds screwy.
Zarkov: Drink this and everything will become clear. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
Flash: Of what?
Zarkov: Um…science. Things.
Azura: Mmmmm wawawa…..pssssttttt. Who am I?
Dale: Yes, Flash, but it was love at first sight! Don't you feel the connection between us?
Flash: This whole thing is ridiculous! Dale, we've known each other for what, a week? Two, tops? And half of that I've been under the influence of some cosmic cocktail!
Dale: But Flash, our hearts spoke to each other in that instant. Isn't that what true love is all about?
Flash: Hearts speaking? The only thing my heart was saying was, 'Hey, who's the new girl?' Dale, we haven't even had a proper date yet.
Dale: Flash, sweetheart!
Flash: We were too busy dodging laser beams and plotting escape routes! And, Dale, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole 'knowing each other's last names' thing a prerequisite for true love?
Dale: It’s Arden.
Flash: What is?
Dale: My last name. I am sure I told you that.
Zarkov: Stop this nonsense and drink!
Dale: Me?
Zarkov: No! Him!
Flash: Let's just take a step back for a second, Miss Arden. I don’t trust either one of you. We literally crashed into Zarkov's world after our plane went down. Neither of us knew him from Adam, and the first thing he does is greet us with a gun and a wild plan to rocket off to Mongo! A planet hurling into Earth which is like some bizarre United Nations of kingdoms.
Zarkov: So?
Dale: It was destiny that brought us all together here.
Flash: Destiny? Dale, in any other universe, that's called 'kidnapping.' We're talking about a man who, instead of calling for help for a plane crash, decides the best course of action is a space expedition. This whole thing is crazy. I don’t believe any of it or you!
Zarkov: Drink and see how abducting you at gunpoint led us to be old friends, Flash. And to Mongo, to save the universe!
Dale: My beloved, those moments, fighting side by side, weren't they meaningful?
Flash: Meaningful? Sure, in a 'nice to meet you, now let's help talking Hawk Men and Lion Men overthrow a tyrant' kind of way. But Dale, don't you think it's all a bit... rapid?
Dale: Well, I-
Zarkov: Just drink it.
Flash: Here we are, acting like an old married couple when, in reality, we barely know the first thing about each other. Dale, we've got to start asking the real questions, like, 'What's your favorite color?' or 'Cats or dogs?
Dale: Drink this and I’ll tell you.
Flash: Okay.
SFX Takes a big drink.
Flash: Aaaah. Tasty! I am just trying to make sense of this whole mess. I mean, really, if someone told me yesterday I'd be fighting space tyrants and discussing undying love with someone I just met because of a mad scientist's intergalactic joyride, I'd have thought they’re a looney with an insane story.
Zarkov: Eh. Right. Flash.
Flash: I’ll take another drink….mmm…I mean Dale and I, complete strangers, are brought together by the whims of fate and a plane crash. Enter Zarkov, our friendly neighborhood mad scientist, a guy named Ming, with a sudden thing for Earth women, wants to marry you and his hot princess daughter wants to suddenly marry me.
Dale: I see.
Flash: I mean. Think about it, Dale. A planet called Mongo, ruled by a fashion disaster of a dictator named Ming, who, by the way, has a peculiar obsession with Earth for reasons beyond anyone's logical comprehension.
Dale: Yeah…drink this.
Flash: Sure. Okay.
SFX: Drinks and swallows.
Zarkov: Wait! But we formed a bond, fighting against Ming's tyranny!
Flash: If by bond you mean a hastily formed alliance based on the mutual desire not to be executed by ray guns, then sure, we're practically family. And let's talk about our 'love story,' Dale. Nothing says romance like being thrown together by a series of life-threatening events and a mad dash to overthrow a despotic ruler.
Dale: Okay. Well.
Flash: I feel woozy. What was in that new drink? Through all this, I’m supposed to believe we've developed deep, meaningful connections?
Zarkov: But we've been through so much together!
Flash: Sure, if by 'so much' you mean narrowly avoiding death by a hair's breadth at every turn, then yes, we're practically skipping down the yellow brick road of camaraderie. Ugh. head spinning. Folks, we're not heroes by choice; we're survivors by sheer dumb luck in a universe that seems to have thrown logic out the nearest airlock.
Dale: Okay. If that’s how you feel about everything then let’s-
Zarkov: Maybe he’s been on her drugs too long.
Flash: Wait! It’s all clear to me now!
Dale: What?
Flash: Dale, darling!
Dale: My love, Flash!
Flash: Zarkov! Darling!!
Zarkov: Oh crap.
Music sting up and under.
Announcer. Next week on the Reasonably Amazing Adventures of Dale, Dr Zarkov and time permitting, Flash Gordon, We find out if Flash has been under the spell of Queen Azura and her magic blue man drink too long. What will happen now? Are you following these thrilling adventures? Really? Fantastic. In order to completely enjoy the program you should listen to the episodes again on your favorite podcast streaming site. Look for another chapter of the show soon!