269. This One Thing Is The "Make Or Break" Factor In Most Marriages And Will Determine What Kind Of Marriage And Intimacy You Have

If you really think about it, just about any argument, conflict, or issue in marriage can probably come back to this one thing... humility (or the lack of).

When couples are humble, and get the pride out of their relationship, there is going to be much less conflict, and more harmony and intimacy in the relationship. When there are arguments, resentment and conflict, it is most likely due to pride, or the lack of humility due to one, or even both spouses.

In this episode, we discuss how humility (or the lack of) can truly "make or break" your relationship. Join us for this great episode.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.

Speaker 2: 0:41

It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and today's episode is titled this One Thing is the Make or Break Factor in your Marriage.

Speaker 3: 0:55

Ooh.

Speaker 2: 0:57

And, as I prepared this and thought about it, I really believe this is true. I really believe almost all issues stem from this is true. I really believe, like most, almost all issues stem from this one thing, and if you lack this one thing, you're going to have your marriage is just going to be a really, really rough thing.

Speaker 3: 1:21

Your marriage is going to be a really rough thing.

Speaker 2: 1:23

Yeah, I think people, people a rough experience. People that lack this one thing, are just going to have a really tough experience being married and and if they end up in divorce, they're going to continue to have tough relationships.

Speaker 3: 1:38

Um, by lacking this one thing and I don't know very many marriages that one person isn't. The opposite of this, like there's usually someone that kind of like suffers with this one thing don't you feel like like probably, that's like a little bit more of a weakness for them yeah so I guess opposite, we're talking about strength, yeah yeah, so today we're're going to talk about humility and why humility is so important in marriage.

Speaker 3: 2:09

Don't turn it off, because you know what humility is and you've already listened to our pride episode. This is going to impact your sexual intimacy and your emotional intimacy. 100% Right, absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:24

I mean I think when you both are humble and don't have that pride or let go of that pride like your marriage is going to be so much better. If you think of all the instances where you've had issues in your marriage, whether it be over arguing or different problems that come up, I can, I can guarantee that the majority of the time there's a lack of humility by one of you or both of you and that's why you know you got into that big argument or you had a big issue with something is because of that lack of humility. When couples have humility, it's amazing how that kind of just resolves or dissolves any conflict and it makes it so much easier to resolve.

Speaker 3: 3:13

So let's talk about this for a sec, because I want to take this just a different direction for just for a second. Do you feel like it makes a big difference in a marriage if the husband is the one with the most humility? I know it's a random question, but a husband is supposed to lead right, like they're the leader of the family, like the Bible says, the husband should lead his wife and his family, correct? Do you feel like if a husband really has a ton of humility and because of that he treats his wife with humility and kindness and love, it affects the entire marriage?

Speaker 3: 3:55

yeah, absolutely because, like in our marriage, I can 100 say that nick has way more humility, like he's the most humble, like passive. I'm sorry, let's fix this. I want to work on this. I could see my marriage being really tough if you didn't have that, because I don't think I have as much. I'm not saying I'm a really prideful person. I just think that you're better at this and if I had someone who was super prideful, I think it could be a really really tough relationship.

Speaker 2: 4:25

Well, and I think, because I have a harder time saying sorry than you do.

Speaker 2: 4:28

But I think that's okay. I think a lot of times in marriage opposites do attract right. You have a good balance where you have one spouse that maybe is really humble and the other spouse might not be, but it really kind of balances that out right, of balances that out right. And so obviously the goal is is I mean, if you, if both spouses, can be humble, that's obviously going to make things even better. But I mean, I would say with our marriage right, like I think our marriage is very balanced out and works very well.

Speaker 3: 4:59

But I think I honestly think that you've kind of taught me how to step back and be like let's not argue about this, let's fix this fight right now, like this is stupid, where I'm more the personality like I probably should have been an attorney. I'm like I could argue.

Speaker 2: 5:14

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3: 5:15

And you don't want to argue.

Speaker 3: 5:16

And if you were an arguer, we would have some serious battles Like we would probably not be doing a podcast because I would be like we're a bad example we would have epic battles and and it's not I think it's been really not that we haven't learned the tools to communicate and fight and all those things, but the whole reason I was bringing this up is because if a woman, if a husband has, is really prideful and there's no humility there and he has to be right and he has to be in charge and he has a hard time saying sorry, but the wife is the humble one.

Speaker 3: 5:49

I still think that's going to be really hard marriage, like I really think the leader of the home, which is, the husband has to have a lot of that humility and I haven't been married before or to anyone else, so I don't understand, I don't, I don't know. This was just a question in my mind like what does this look like? Because most of the marriages that I see they're really successful. The husband either has learned to become humble because his pride literally almost screwed up his marriage, or he's already a pretty humble person because most of the marriages I see that get divorced, the husband can't say sorry, he can't.

Speaker 2: 6:25

Yeah, it's not necessarily the wife, it's the husband. It's a lot of the time. Just can't let go of the ego and the pride.

Speaker 3: 6:30

And I'm not saying it's not the wife sometimes I'm not saying that at all, but I just think because the husband is literally called to be the leader of the home and the leader of his family, I just I don't to really learn what humility looks like and to be that humble person Because we did a post recently or a video about your wife is a reflection of how you treat her and sometimes this is true and sometimes it's not. It's not always true, but I see that and I feel that in a lot of relationships and people that we talk to, like when the husband treats her well, when he is humble, when he is kind, she reflects that back to him like I think most women do that like when they're treated like, I want to say, a queen or a princess, but treated good, treated with kindness and humility in the marriage. It shows in how the wife acts and I think that's just. I don't know.

Speaker 2: 7:33

No, that's a great point you brought up.

Speaker 3: 7:35

I think it's really important for the men to have this.

Speaker 2: 7:37

I think a lot of times men hear the word humility and they often associate it as being weak. No, not weak at all, but yeah, I wanted to say that it's not. It's not weak at all to be humble and recognize that, hey, there's something greater than me or more important than me or better than me. Like that, we're not the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 3: 7:58

Well, not to get like all scripture-y on you, but Jesus Christ was like literally the most humble person alive, yet he was still the strongest. Yep Right Like went through stuff that no one could go through and he wasn't walking all over. He wasn't walked all over either.

Speaker 2: 8:15

No, he wasn't. He held his line and his position when he needed to he absolutely did, yet he was still the most humble person.

Speaker 3: 8:22

So I think it's this balance that we need to talk about, kind of being humble but still being able to be a leader, because Nick's a great example of this, like he's an amazing leader in our home, but he's also a very humble and loving person, like there's. It's just I don't know.

Speaker 2: 8:38

I wish.

Speaker 3: 8:39

I wish everyone you could just give a little bit of personality to everybody, Like all the men out there.

Speaker 2: 8:44

That means a lot. Um, I know I, and I think I think a lot of times humility comes through different experiences as well. I mean, I think we've been through a lot of things in life that have really humbled me as well and made me realize that man I'm nothing Like at any day, at any time things could change. And I think part of humility is being grateful for things as well, which we'll talk a little bit about. Part of humility is being grateful for things as well, which we'll talk a little bit about. But let's let's get into how, um, humility or maybe not having humility can really impact several different aspects of your marriage, and I want to talk about communication first can I say something real quick before we jump into what it takes?

Speaker 3: 9:28

um, I think if you were to look at marriages that fall apart or that are really like messed up, oh, it's because, of this one thing you have narcissists, you have abusers, you have people that are stubborn and stuck in their ways, like that's what wrecks marriages, is not being like. All those things, the abuse, everything it all comes from pride for sure, and I have to be right, I have to be in charge.

Speaker 2: 9:49

I think a lot of the bad decisions that people make, too, come from pride and not being humble. I totally agree. If you are in a marriage where there is humility, the chances of you probably getting divorced and not having a good, loving marriage are probably extremely low.

Speaker 3: 10:09

Right, because you're exactly right.

Speaker 2: 10:11

I mean, if you, just if you look at every marriage that you've seen around you that may have fallen apart, I can promise you there's some sort of lack of humility or and pride in the marriage, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 10:24

So getting into communication and how humility can really help communication versus getting in that prideful mood. If you're a prideful person, you're not gonna feel like you need to communicate honestly or express your fears or really have those deep conversations. You're gonna be above that. But having humility can really help you open up the connection, the communication, the deep vulnerability with your spouse. You're not going to fear judgment. You're going to really be able to open up and have these deep conversations which are going to make better connections with your spouse when you're humble.

Speaker 2: 11:05

Absolutely I think that's a huge thing, and we talk about all the time how communication is probably the key in marriage. And so if you're not humble and you're not able to have those deep, connecting emotional conversations, I mean that thing alone, right there, is probably going to have a severe negative impact throughout the rest of your marriage because you're not opening up and having those deep, connecting conversations. Anything you want to add to that, I mean maybe, maybe I want to ask you a question, but even in our own marriage, when maybe maybe, um, you're not feeling humility, is it harder to have those deep conversations?

Speaker 3: 11:51

oh, I'm totally guilty of that. Like when there's even just an ounce of pride in conversation, like not just conversation and communication, but like when you have pride in your marriage and that means you're gonna point fingers or you're gonna blame or you're gonna score keep like all those kind of things, like that's absolutely pride, like that's going to totally. I don't even know. It's hard to have conversations or communicate when you're feeling prideful, like I don't know. Yeah, I think it's really tough, exactly what you just said.

Speaker 2: 12:21

Well, and, of course, conflict resolution too. I mean, if you haven't heard podcast 111, that's one of the best episodes you'll ever listen to on conflict resolution. We would encourage you to go listen to that immediately, um, after this podcast, or when you have time. But having pride is going to force conflict versus having humility is going to, I think, deflect conflict and I love how you brought in talking about christ in that example.

Speaker 2: 12:53

He, he was very seldom in conflict because he had that humility. Now he would stand up for himself and say hey, what you're saying or doing is wrong, but he was not the one that was causing the conflict or or encouraging the conflict right, you're encouraging it to go on right correct. Yeah, because it wasn't, he wasn't gonna argue.

Speaker 2: 13:15

You wasn't gonna argue with people so anytime you have humility, it's going to be a great way to you know, navigate through your different disagreements. And when you're humble, you're probably not gonna have all these disagreements because it's probably gonna get resolved pretty quickly. If a person's humble, they're going to look inwardly and say you know what, you're right, I'm sorry I acted this way, or what have you versus? Oh, this isn't my fault, this is your fault.

Speaker 3: 13:42

You know this is all you and and it's going to escalate rather than dissolve the conflict for sure, for sure, and it all comes down to saying I'm sorry yeah, going back to that, I always say that right because, like, when you feel like you've been hurt or you, your spouse has done something that hurt your feelings or something that whatever it is it's hard to say I'm sorry. I really struggle with that, I really do have you ever noticed, too?

Speaker 2: 14:12

um, this is, this goes right in with the next one, which is mutual growth but have you ever noticed that, like when you're prideful, you're a lot less likely to um, learn or be accepting of learning new things? You're?

Speaker 3: 14:28

or listening to your spouse's side. Yeah, right, like.

Speaker 2: 14:31

Right, like when you're humble. You're open to learning and recognizing that yeah, maybe there's a better way to do things, or maybe I need to learn some things. Or, you know, recognizing that you're not always right, looking at your spouse's perspectives and really listening that you're not always right. Looking at your spouse's perspectives and really listening when you're prideful or you don't have that humility, you're immediately going to think that you're right. You don't. You know everyone else is wrong. You don't need to listen to your spouse, you don't care about their perceptions or feelings because you're right.

Speaker 3: 15:08

Yeah, pride.

Speaker 2: 15:10

You have any thoughts or examples, or?

Speaker 3: 15:23

I don't mean to put you on the spot, but just like how that pride can really limit you as a couple from growing. Like I already said, I think it's because pride makes you point fingers, so you can't really grow when you feel like something is always your spouse's fault, right?

Speaker 3: 15:32

Which in marriage, it's really easy to be like it's your fault, this is your fault, this is your fault, this is your fault, instead of realizing that you, most of the time, could be part of the problem or the way you're handling something. We have to remember in our marriages that we come from different backgrounds. We come from different upbringings. Everything that we ever grew up with affects our personality, affects our thoughts, affects our beliefs in certain things, and so this is where it's really really important to have humility and we've gotten really good at this Not to be prideful, not to be prideful In our marriage.

Speaker 1: 16:13

we've gotten really good at this Not to be prideful, not to be prideful In our marriage.

Speaker 3: 16:15

We've gotten really good at having conversations like why do you feel like that? Why do you think that that's okay? Or why do you think that that's not okay? What did your parents do in this situation and why do you think that that's acceptable? Those kind of conversations like oh, now I can see why you feel this way, because that's what you grew up seeing, like stuff like that, because you can't point fingers, like the score keeping, like I don't remember which podcast episode we just did, but it's easy for me to start keeping score when I'm like why don't you notice this getting done? Why don't you notice this getting done? And then me and Nick have finally, we have really good conversations Like oh, you never had to do that growing up. Oh, you didn't even. Like we're different, he's not gonna see the things that I see.

Speaker 3: 17:00

Like we've had to really learn that, and so we totally instead of just pointing fingers and be like you suck at this or you just don't pay attention, or why don't you ever help out. Be like why, why don't you notice these things? Or why don't you notice these things? Or why don't I notice these things? Or why do you feel this? I don't know. I think it's really important that when this takes learning this took us a lot of years of learning. We did not used to have awesome communication at all, but the deeper you can dive into things and realize it's not you that's trying to mess up or do this thing. It's like we grew up different and we just need to talk about it instead of pointing fingers and saying you're wrong, I.

Speaker 3: 17:40

There's a lot of things in our life where Nick's like I. I just I'm not wrong, I just think differently, right yeah and that's humility, like sitting back and being like, okay, we're a team, we always talk about this, we're a team. It's not you against me, it's us against the world.

Speaker 2: 17:55

Well, I think when I think when our brains are programmed in different, different ways, there's going to be different outputs and I this may be a dumb example, but it's like chat GPT, right? So let's say you have a, a, the group that builds the chat GPT is a total left-leaning organization, okay, okay. So, for example, you type in something and it spits you out something You're going to get, whatever it's trained or taught that to put out right.

Speaker 2: 18:29

So like, for example, it might, instead of using the word spouse, it might use the word partner or you know, just different things. My point is is Our brains are like that. When we grow up, we're taught a certain way. We then have different perspectives on what comes out, or what we what's the word I'm trying to use? What comes out of us is going to be different based upon the way we were maybe programmed or taught growing up. I don't know, maybe that was a dumb example.

Speaker 3: 19:04

No, I think it's totally legit. It makes sense.

Speaker 2: 19:08

It's good to recognize and have humility and be really understanding of each other and try to look at where each other's coming from and different perspectives. So how is our emotional connection in our own marriage when we are humble versus maybe when we have a little more pride, so to speak?

Speaker 3: 19:35

I think, pride we all know that pride is just selfish, right, natural man. We're just being selfish, I think, when it comes to emotional connection, especially because women and men are so different. Like a lot of men we talk about need the sexual intimacy to feel that emotional connection, and a lot of the women need the emotional connection first to want the sexual intimacy, and this is a beautiful thing because this is what makes marriage go around. When you find that balance and you, you, and this example shows you that pride can't be part of that, because that game starts getting played when pride comes in right.

Speaker 3: 20:11

I'm so sorry. You haven't been romantic enough lately, so we're not going to make love.

Speaker 3: 20:15

That's pride oh, totally I'm sorry, I don't want to be emotionally connected to you because you will not put sex as a priority in our marriage. That's pride, like you have to erase the pride and be like your needs matter and your needs matter and even though I have a really low sex drive, your needs and this need in our marriage matters and I'm sorry that you're not being emotionally connected to you. What can I do better? Like do you want to go on a date night? Do you want to? Do you want to talk about? Talk about it, do you? Let's put our phones down and connect more with each other emotionally. That takes humility.

Speaker 2: 20:48

That takes it's important to you, so it's important to me and that's what humility is in marriage I'm glad that you brought that up too and even reference sexual intimacy, because I think a lot of the problems where couples deal with sexual intimacy issues has to do with a lack of humility. I really believe that if you're a spouse that like you said, that you're just like I'm not, I don't want us. I don't want to make love to you. I don't need to make love to you like that's not important to me why I don't care, okay, yeah versus someone who's humble is gonna be open to listening and understanding.

Speaker 2: 21:24

You know how do we connect. Why is this important to you? I mean it's the difference between listening and trying to understand versus putting up a wall and just saying this is the way it is. It's called caring, yeah.

Speaker 3: 21:38

It's called caring and that's limited in a lot of marriages lately. I want to point out out. We just did a video on emotional intimacy needs to come first before sexual intimacy, and I know I've already talked about this. But the reason I want to bring that up is because I had several husbands say that's crap, emotional intimacy doesn't have to come first. Sexual intimacy should just be as important. They should be equal needs and I'm like just that thought alone that you don't need to give in your marriage that that's important to you.

Speaker 2: 22:13

In order to receive.

Speaker 3: 22:15

In order to receive.

Speaker 1: 22:22

Shows a lack of humility.

Speaker 3: 22:23

Sorry, I was looking for the word a lack of humility. Right like, I can tell by people's comments, like right off, where their pride and where their humility level is, because the fact that you're like, no, I'm more worried about my needs being equal to yours, that that's.

Speaker 2: 22:37

I mean, that's a lack of humility, right there well, I think, when you see couples that both have humility, they're going to do everything they can to meet each other's needs, both emotionally and sexually, and just really let that guard down, so to speak, and I think this flows really nicely with what we're talking about, with respect and appreciation as well, too.

Speaker 2: 22:59

Like you know kind of exactly what we're talking about too, like you know kind of exactly what we're talking about. When you have humility, I really think people show appreciation. When you have humility, you recognize that you're not the greatest thing in the room, that there's things that are more important, that there's someone more important, that you're not God, and I think when you recognize that, that you start having a lot more respect and appreciation. I guess the more, the more humility you have, the more appreciation I think you're going to have for things as well too, and respect for things as well. The less humility, the more pride you're going to have. Everything kind of gets to be expected like I'm the greatest thing here. Um, people have a. You can't have pride and appreciation at the same time.

Speaker 3: 23:51

I mean you just and not even thinking that you're like the greatest person or the greatest spouse even because I definitely don't think that but like, bring that down a notch. Like in a normal marriage, a wife is like why can't you do the dishes more often? Why can't you clean the counters? Like, why can't you do some of those things that I do every single day? And every marriage has had this conversation, every single marriage right, and so this is, this is what you're trying to say. So he does the dishes and the, and the wife's thinking in her mind I don't need to thank him. I did him the last six days like I don't need to thank him. I did him the last six days. Like I don't need to say thank you to him. That's his job, right. Like he should have done that. Like I found myself in that trap before, where I'm like why do I need to thank him he?

Speaker 3: 24:33

didn't thank me the last three nights for doing my job. You know what I mean. Whoever's job it is, it doesn't matter, it's both jobs. But just having that level of humility, like my spouse is doing something that I appreciate and it doesn't matter whose job it is thank you for doing the dishes tonight. That takes some real humility. When you don't feel like you need to say thank you for something simple in your marriage, to be able to say and I absolutely struggle with that- well, same, and saying thank you too, doesn't just affect your spouse, it affects you positively, absolutely Like how can you?

Speaker 2: 25:07

if you say thank you, that's going to make you feel a lot better inside. And I mean it's just amazing how something that simple can just really be a game changer, like we talked about in the podcast.

Speaker 3: 25:18

It changes the whole tone of the relationship.

Speaker 2: 25:20

There's nothing, and I've said this before. I think one of the biggest sins is being ungrateful, which means one of the best things you can do is be grateful for each other, and part of that is expressing that to each other.

Speaker 3: 25:35

And those things. I don't know why I didn't realize this, but when we did the podcast a few weeks ago about the three things that you say in marriage I love you, thank you and I'm sorry those are like literally the epitome of humility I love you. Yeah, you're just saying I love you, but thank you and I'm sorry is like I am humble right now, like thank you for taking the kids today, thank you for going to the grocery store.

Speaker 2: 26:03

Thank you for being an awesome spouse, and like Amy said, it has nothing to do with whose responsibility it is right, Regardless of whether it's your responsibility or not. It has nothing to do with that. It's just showing appreciation to each other for all that you're doing for each other in bringing your marriage closer together.

Speaker 3: 26:22

And it changes the tone.

Speaker 2: 26:23

tone it absolutely does. I love the next one, talking about adaptability to a person that doesn't have humility is not going to be able to adapt to different circumstances or be flexible. They're not going to compromise. Look at someone who is very, very prideful and look at the way they treat their spouse. Look at the way they treat others in life, look at the way their life is. I'm sure you can recognize that that person just doesn't compromise. They're not flexible. Everything has to be their way.

Speaker 2: 27:03

Absolutely everything has to be you know their way. Um, absolutely again going back to humility. Um, just, I don't think I need to say more.

Speaker 3: 27:10

Just how?

Speaker 2: 27:10

important humility is yep and last one we've kind of hit on is gratitude and forgiveness. Um, humility, really, um, creates a situation where you can be grateful for things and you can forgive others easily, just like I said. That's why we titled the title of the episode today, because we really do believe that almost every issue really comes down to having humility or not having humility, and so this one thing really can be a make or break, factorbreak, factor in your marriage. So if you're in a marriage where you're struggling and you feel like the connections not there and the marriage just really isn't where you want it to be, maybe recognize and see hey, are we are either my spouse or I lacking this humility that we need? Are we too prideful, are we? You know what's going on in the relationship and I can almost guarantee that that's probably a big part of it.

Speaker 3: 28:18

Absolutely. I don't even have anything to add to that. That was beautiful man I'm out of breath, I was talking too much.

Speaker 2: 28:24

I'm huffing and puffing over here.

Speaker 3: 28:26

It happens when you're almost 50.

Speaker 2: 28:29

Oh, that was a low blow, sorry. Almost Almost 50. Anyways, we hope you enjoyed the podcast today and we'll see you on the flip side.