275. Being A Good Provider Doesn't Make You A Good Husband... There's So Much More

The big myth that a hefty paycheck equals husband of the year.

We get a ton of men telling us on our social media, "My wife should be intimate with me because I provide for the family," not realizing that there is so much more to being a good husband than just providing for the family, although that is very important.

Although bringing home the bacon is a great thing, there is much more, which we unpack in this great episode. So if you are a husband who is a good man and wants to connect more with his wife, then this episode will provide some great insights into what you can do to be a better husband and what your wife really thinks makes a great husband.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.

Speaker 2: 0:41

It's that time of the week again, the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is titled being a Good Provider Doesn't Make you a Good Husband. There's so Much More and the reason oh, go ahead.

Speaker 1: 0:56

I was going to say is that harsh Is that harsh?

Speaker 2: 0:59

I don't think it's harsh.

Speaker 1: 1:00

I don't think that's harsh at all.

Speaker 2: 1:02

Well, we did a video on this and I think it's one of our most watched videos, right? Absolutely how many views?

Speaker 1: 1:07

Like millions and millions and thousands and thousands of comments, which is awesome because that gives us so much feedback on how people are feeling about this, how the husbands are feeling, how the wives are feeling.

Speaker 2: 1:21

I don't think there's any better feedback than people's comments of what their experience with this exact situation, right yeah, there's an as important as it is to be a good provider, if, if that's all it is, you're not, I mean that's, that's so much more oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 1:41

but I think I mean we did have some comments on this video that a lot of husbands are raised and brought up to believe that putting food on the table is literally their job and if they're doing that then they're showing love and that's all they need to do, and that's really sad for those women because that makes you a good provider. But there's way more to being a good husband.

Speaker 2: 2:06

For sure.

Speaker 1: 2:07

Way more.

Speaker 2: 2:08

Yeah, some of these comments are really good, so I think this will be a good episode.

Speaker 1: 2:14

This is going to be a great conversation. I think that we start by just listing the stuff and talking about it for a minute, of what I had on the video and why people commented. I had no idea that this was going to go anywhere, I guess. Okay, so it starts out. A good husband. Husband's going to work and putting food on the table does not make you a good husband. That makes you a good provider. A good husband also keeps dating his wife. Wants to spend time with her, loves to know her thoughts, can't get enough of her, wants to cuddle, wants to romance her once in a while, is emotionally and physically faithful, respects her and stays about her and wants to keep dating her. Is that true? I know that sounds like a long list because you're rolling your eyes and like, oh my gosh, that's so much stuff.

Speaker 2: 3:15

No, I see you read all those and I'm like that's just normal.

Speaker 1: 3:19

That's common sense, right?

Speaker 2: 3:20

I don't really have to think about that. Like I want to date you, I don't really have to think about that. Like I want to date you, I want to make love to you. I want to romance you. I want to know your thoughts, I want to talk to you.

Speaker 1: 3:31

Like those are all things the last three are respects her, is faithful to her and says I love you every day and shows it in his actions. Like to me, that's just common sense. Because why, kind of? Why do you expect the same things? Right, like if you really love your spouse and you're really committed to your spouse? Like that shouldn't sound like a big long list of oh my gosh, women need so much. It should sound like if you love her, show her, yeah, it's just that simple.

Speaker 2: 4:04

Well, and again like those hopefully are things that a lot of guys are naturally doing, but maybe a lot of them aren't.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Well, a lot of comments were like women ask too much. That's a lot to expect after we provide a paycheck. Well, you know, if that's the attitude right off the bat, like I can't give you more than a paycheck then why did you get married?

Speaker 2: 4:26

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Why did you get married?

Speaker 2: 4:28

And then don't complain if you. She doesn't want to be intimate with you.

Speaker 1: 4:34

She doesn't want to be intimate with you, and you know that emotional intimacy comes first to a wife Other than providing.

Speaker 2: 4:39

I want to do the bare minimum, but I expect everything just to be fantastic, passionate, yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:47

So let's talk about a couple of these. Keeps dating his wife. Why would you not want to keep dating?

Speaker 2: 4:56

your wife. Yeah, why would you not want to keep dating your wife? Okay?

Speaker 1: 4:59

actually I wasn't even planning on sharing this, but yesterday's post that I shared, um, was about dating your wife before someone else. Does you dated to marry her? Keep dating her to stay married to her. Um, if you got dressed up and spent money and made plans and flirted with her to get married, you have to keep doing those things to stay married because marriage they. Some men think that marriage is a finish line, but really it's the starting line. And those were words from a pastor that I don't know who he is anyways. A couple people comment on that video and said that's a scare tactic. You should never have to worry about your wife leaving you because you're not dating. That's not. It's deeper than that. It's literally just saying like your marriage is probably going to end or the passion is going to end if you don't keep dating your wife.

Speaker 2: 5:51

And it's going to lead to other things.

Speaker 1: 5:53

It's simple, right, Like a wife isn't going to want to be married to someone who doesn't want to have fun with her. Take her on a date, spend quality time Like it's just so simple to me.

Speaker 2: 6:05

Yeah, it really is. It is, it's so simple.

Speaker 1: 6:08

So the next one is want to spend time with her, quality time with her, and this goes both ways, I know, but a lot of wives complain, and husbands, that their spouse's phone is more important than than them, which nobody should have to feel like that, right oh, totally agree, totally agree.

Speaker 2: 6:33

I, yeah, I'm excited to jump into the comments and hear those, because I thought there were some fantastic ones. We were kind of going over them just barely a little bit briefly over before we decided to record this, and I thought I thought the comments were just awesome yeah, they'll have some. Show me jump into that yeah, let's jump in and kind of discuss each one of them.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Okay. So one guy said 100% agree. The thing many good men are facing is that they are working, paying bills, being a great father and trying to romance their wives, and still the wife does not show any intimacy. I think men are shamed way too much, especially good men. Women need to be more honest. Women joke about being asleep when their husbands crave intimacy. For a good man, this is insanely cruel and will lead him to withdrawing and isolating himself.

Speaker 2: 7:24

I like that comment a lot because I think it is all too common that that happens. I mean, okay, just looking around, like in our area, and obviously we you never really know what's going on, but you can kind of tell in people's attitudes, right, you can kind of tell how they treat their spouse, things like that. And so I I think that does happen a lot more often than we think, where a husband truly is just giving everything he can. And because we've talked about before the lower desire, spouse typically controls if and when sex happens and because of that they just I think that happens a lot.

Speaker 1: 8:01

I really do absolutely, and, and I like the point that he said the men that are are paying the bills, being a great and still trying to romance their wives. He obviously agrees with this, that, yeah, there's a lot more to do to be an awesome dad than just go to work and provide. He's agreeing with that. I like that he pointed that out Because, yeah, we're going to have an episode just like this, one on the opposite, about women.

Speaker 2: 8:31

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:32

Because same same thing. Right A couple, a lot of men said it is part of being a good husband and father and it is our responsibility and there are a lot of amazing and wonderful husbands out there that totally agree that providing yes is is super important, but that doesn't there's a lot more.

Speaker 2: 8:51

There's a lot more to that.

Speaker 1: 8:59

Right, providing yes is is super important, but that doesn't. There's a lot more. There's a lot more to that, right, um? Another comment I got was absolutely agree with this. I love my husband, but he is all about work. I asked to go on dates and even tell him they don't have to cost anything, even a um. A date in the backyard with a bonfire under the stars would be perfect, and he just ignores it.

Speaker 2: 9:12

So I like that comment a lot as well, because I think growing up we were meant to believe that men are the providers which obviously they should be. But I think some men take that to the extreme where they're like, okay, I got to provide, I got to just take care of the financial side of things. They take it to the extreme to where they think, okay, that is my only job, and then they become workaholics and neglect so many other things. It's so important to find a balance. I totally admit that there was a period in my life where I was that way too, like all I thought about, all I cared about, was work right, was like trying to accomplish something.

Speaker 1: 9:55

Well, trying to accomplish something Trying to accomplish something is the better, the better word.

Speaker 2: 10:00

Addiction yeah, so I mean I think we can. It's just so important to find that balance right.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Oh, absolutely Absolutely. And, like she was saying, I love that she pointed out it doesn't have to cost anything. Let's pause on this one for just a minute because, see, I like that you brought up balance in this, but this is also really tricky because of expenses and everything too Like in our marriage most of our marriage. We've both worked.

Speaker 2: 10:28

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Like I haven't just had someone hand me a paycheck. I don't know what that's like, but, um, to the husbands that can do that, that's great. If, if a wife is working, that's great too. Whatever works for your marriage. But this is what gets tricky for husbands and maybe a little bit unfair is when the wife is constantly I need this, I need this. Our lifestyle isn't bad enough. Good enough, you need to go make money, and they have that pressure and the wife is almost driving them out. Go get a second job, go make more, go get a new career, and then they're complaining that they're not home and they're not giving them that, because they're literally making them feel like they're not bringing in enough. And this, this is a tricky, tricky balance also, and you can see where husbands are like sometimes I just can't win right, which is not fair yeah, I think that, and I think that happens a lot I think it's happening more and more now that everything's more expensive and housing and food, like I think there's a lot, a lot of pressure.

Speaker 1: 11:27

I don't want to just say on the men, because the women have a lot of pressure too. As a, a couple, we're feeling more pressure. Everybody is right. Like the lifestyle, like what you make now is like double or triple what your parents had to make, right?

Speaker 1: 11:41

Yeah, and so there's a lot of pressure on both people, and that's what I like about. Talking about balance is like there has to be a happy medium where honey I appreciate what you're doing. There has to be a happy medium where honey I appreciate what you're doing. And if a woman really needs this higher lifestyle, then it probably needs to be a dual income or it needs to look different, I don't know. I hope I'm saying that right.

Speaker 2: 12:05

No, I think you're saying that exactly right and everyone's going to look different. Like what marriage looks like.

Speaker 1: 12:11

For sure.

Speaker 2: 12:15

And where you live and the cost of living and kids and so many. I mean there's so many. There's so many different equations and things to consider. You know, for what might work for one family definitely won't work for another family.

Speaker 1: 12:27

Right. So I think this is where conversation and good communication comes in, too right, like I feel like you put too much pressure on me, but I'm really doing my hardest. I wish you would just be more appreciative, and if you want me to emotionally connect, then I need to have some downtime so I can stay sane, right?

Speaker 2: 12:45

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 12:46

Right, which leads to the next comment, which is trying to balance being a provider, a good dad, not bringing enough money. It gets tiring. Please, wives, forgive us for not being everything that you always want. We are trying our best. Maybe putting food on the table really does show that we care and love you. Thoughts.

Speaker 2: 13:07

I think that's a great comment. And again, going back to what you said, I think sometimes there's a lot of pressure, especially nowadays. I mean, how often do women and men as well but how often do we get on social media and we see our neighbor traveling and a new car and you want more and more and more. That puts a lot of pressure on making more money right and puts a lot of pressure on the marriage. You know, we've been there as well. When there's pressure on the marriage and to maintain a certain lifestyle, whether it's going into debt or different things, I mean, then we're talking about even more problems that it can really put on the marriage and sometimes simplicity and, like the guy said, just putting food on the table. Sometimes that is enough, right, I mean, sometimes it needs to be enough.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Um, so anyways, yeah I don't think that putting food on the table should ever be enough. Okay, you're saying well, I still. I still think love always needs to be shown.

Speaker 2: 14:14

Like the things that we listed in the video were basic I'm saying for some, for some people, putting food on the table is enough, like that's. That's all you mean, oh, for the wives, like that's what they want yeah, I'm saying in certain circumstances, like if a husband's working real hard and that's what, like all he can do is put food on the table and he can't, um, you know, buy a new car and he can't put in a swimming pool oh, I thought you like. Oh, you mean financially financially okay, sorry, I was confused.

Speaker 1: 14:45

I was like wait what?

Speaker 2: 14:46

no, I'm saying financially sometimes that's all a husband can do financially is put food on the table. But I think there's a lot of expectations sometimes from women to have a certain lifestyle because of what we see on social media and things like that, and I think if you're really stuck in that place where you're like I want more, I want better for us, there's nothing wrong with that Absolutely Nothing wrong at all.

Speaker 1: 15:10

I don't feel like you should be complacent and be like well, this is my $20,000 paycheck this month. Let's just be fine with it, right Like if you want to better your life.

Speaker 2: 15:18

Yeah, we should always be striving to do more and better our lives, no question.

Speaker 1: 15:21

But you can do that together, like, instead of being like it's your. Is there something we can do together? Is there a business we could start together, like?

Speaker 1: 15:36

everybody has the same opportunities. It's just taking them Right, yeah. So I mean, that's where this is where it gets really tricky, because some people get really lucky financially in life, some people just totally kind of I feel like they just get kind of screwed, you know, like you just never know what's going to happen, even though we kind of all have the same. I don't want to say we all have the same opportunities, but we can all take risks and do different things.

Speaker 1: 15:57

But it is hard to watch when you're working really hard and things don't pay off. And some people aren't working really hard and things are paying off. Like, just to remember that you picked your spouse, you probably had an idea of what they were going to do, the lifestyle you were going to have with that person. You probably had an idea of what they were going to do, the lifestyle you were going to have with that person. Right, and not to put so much pressure on them that it wrecks your marriage.

Speaker 2: 16:16

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 16:17

You can do stuff as a team. Especially when your kids start getting older, there's a lot more time to be a team and start new stuff together. The next comment is 100% agree. And if men think this is work, then I feel so sad for their wives. The man who does these things truly loves his wife and will get the best version of her. In most cases, angry women are the result of not feeling loved and prioritized by their husband. Men leave their mother and father to become one flesh with their wife, so they should care for their wife like their own body.

Speaker 2: 16:50

I like that comment a lot as well, because I think there's a lot of truth behind that. If a wife really is unhappy, it could be a huge reason that the husband's not providing the other things that the wife needs. For sure you know he's not romancing her, he's not having good conversations with her, he's not dating her and showing that he cares.

Speaker 1: 17:13

Right.

Speaker 2: 17:13

And I think a lot of marriages get to that point, I think, just with stress and different things going on, point, I think, just with stress and different things going on, it's really it. What I'm trying to say is it's really easy to let your marriage get to a bad place with without even really knowing it. Right, happens, just happens sometimes, you know.

Speaker 1: 17:33

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:34

But it takes a lot of you know.

Speaker 1: 17:35

It takes effort to to have a good marriage, but it it's so much better I think this goes both ways, like we always say, but I think that a spouse cutlery becomes a reflection of how they're treated and I think it.

Speaker 2: 17:50

It's absolutely both ways right I think there's a lot of truth to that.

Speaker 1: 17:54

Yeah, there's a ton of truth to that, so I like um yeah, you're.

Speaker 2: 18:00

I mean, if you see a happy couple, they're obviously being treated with respect, they're treating each other well, they're they're. You're not going to see a couple that's happy where a husband's treating his wife disrespectfully oh, for sure I think I think if you take away know, you add a bunch of other stuff in there. You could add financial issues or things like that. But at the end of the day, if a couple treats each other respectfully and loving, they can endure so much more.

Speaker 1: 18:37

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 18:38

And when you know, when things get rocky, they can still get through things and endure so much more than a couple that doesn't treat each other.

Speaker 1: 18:45

And that's kind of why the list is so basic. Like we're literally just asking okay, thank you for providing, and don't get us wrong Like that's huge right. Like being a hardworking and responsible man who wants to work for his family that's big, like not downplaying that at all. Who wants to work for his family? That's big Like not downplaying that at all. Just saying, excuse me, there's just love and respect. That needs to always be there too, and a lot of men are missing that and that's kind of like who we're focusing.

Speaker 2: 19:12

You know what I?

Speaker 1: 19:12

mean there's just extras. The next comment I wanted to say is I think we're so hard on men. Are we able to give all these things as well as providing to him?

Speaker 1: 19:25

and I love that I love some when some of the wives will speak out in these kind of videos and be like maybe we're being too hard on them because are we really willing to give him that back? And if men are, are willing to work and provide and go out and spend however many hours a day for their family doing stuff that most of them don't want to do, and then they come home and they're still expected and and they should be expected, but to show love and show emotional support and be a good dad and help clean up, right like that is the wife willing to do those things back yeah, and that's a wife that has a good husband, and that's a wife that has a good husband, and that's a husband that has a good wife Reflection.

Speaker 2: 20:05

Exactly reflection Yep. You can tell just by her comment that they both have a lot of respect and love for each other.

Speaker 1: 20:13

Oh, absolutely, absolutely. You want me to keep going.

Speaker 2: 20:17

Yeah, these are great comments, these are great comments.

Speaker 1: 20:19

There's just so many. I'm just trying to find out, just kind of pick out some good ones. Can't get enough of her. Sorry people, there will be times when you both had enough of each other and need some alone time. It's healthy. Happily married over 20 years. Manage your expectations. Most people are a little fried after 70-hour work weeks. It's about teamwork, not what you can get from each other. I don't think he knew what the video was saying. So, yeah, I don't think these are too high of expectations, so I'm trying to scan these. If you think that showing love and respect to your spouse either way is too much to ask probably should be.

Speaker 2: 20:57

Married therapy probably should be therapy. Let's see it's amazing to me how much sometimes we complicate things and how easy things really should be like you talk about so many things on the podcast and and you know you obviously these are things that all of us, including ourselves, need to know. But if you just really step back, like these things should be just common sense like to treat your wife with respect, or treat your husband with respect, vice versa oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 21:31

Um, this list is amazing, but it's missing the man being the spiritual leader of the home yeah, I think that's really.

Speaker 1: 21:38

I didn't even well, yeah, that should absolutely be on the list, like just the leader. I mean, that's what the as well, I didn't even. Well, yeah, that should absolutely be on the list, like just the leader. I mean, that's what the Bible says right To be the leader of your family. This lady said. My pastor mentioned that a husband who works hard will never remind you that he works hard to provide. If you really think about that, a husband who works hard will never remind you that he works hard to provide, like he does it out of love, is what she's saying.

Speaker 1: 22:08

It's not going to be like. You don't appreciate me. Remember how much I do. Remember that I'm going to work. He just literally, is fulfilling his duty as a leader and provider of the family. He's willing to do it and he he does it because he loves his family, Right.

Speaker 2: 22:26

Like I family. He's willing to do it and he he does it because he loves his family, right like I think there's a big attitude difference in that. Yeah, and I think the point we're trying to make in this podcast is it's great to provide husbands, but there's so much more you need to do for your wife and if you don't have the marriage that you want, you don't have the intimacy and the passion, if you don't have everything you're wanting in the marriage. Instead of looking outwardly at your spouse and trying to determine what's wrong with them, you should probably take an inward look first and say am I providing her the additional things that she needs? Like I said, you know, showing her that you love her and dating her and romancing her and telling her you know how much you love her and Just doing all the additional things that you already should be doing.

Speaker 1: 23:06

Well, it really comes down to don't stop dating your spouse. Right Both ways. But you pursued your wife when you were dating. You might have stopped at the store and grabbed a bouquet of flowers, I don't know, or a flower.

Speaker 2: 23:19

Yeah, you might have made her dinner.

Speaker 1: 23:22

You might have gotten all dressed up at nice and picked her up and took her to a nice restaurant and, and, just like a lot of husbands say, when we first got married my wife wanted to be intimate all the time and she was affectionate and all those things like it goes both ways. We're not talking about the wife in this episode. This, this, is one for the man. So if you did those things for her when you were dating, she's going to be a different person if you keep doing those things now into your marriage. It really doesn't take much like stopping at the store on the way home from work literally seven minutes. Grab someone at the gas station, like grab her favorite treat, like. Just those little kind of things make all the difference in your relationship.

Speaker 2: 24:02

Well, and I'll bet you for most marriages, if the men really take inventory and be honest with themselves, I'll bet you how they treat their wife when they were dating is different than how or how they treated their wife when they were dating, versus maybe how they treat them now. And when I say treat, I mean not the little extras, doing the extra things, yeah, maybe that. Maybe treat isn't the word, but going above and beyond, I can guarantee for most husbands it looks a lot different when they were dating than it does now.

Speaker 1: 24:39

Yeah, and that's the. I mean that might be the challenge for the day, right, like just reminisce flirting, dating, even like not like spending money or having something extravagant, but like have you planned something that would be romantic to her? Maybe it's literally like we're just gonna, like that lady said, like go park under the stars and have a nice conversation. Like a lot of women would be super happy with just that quality time, right. It doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Speaker 2: 25:05

Yeah, so. So this week, our challenge to you is the next seven days. Uh try to step it up. Instead of just being a good provider, which most of you are, uh step it up and do the little things.

Speaker 1: 25:18

Um, like Amy said, well, I'm going gonna turn this over to you because you're the woman.

Speaker 1: 25:24

You tell the man what you're, what their wives want okay if, if I was to do like a 70 plan for the husbands, I would say stop, like literally stop at the store and just buy her a treat or buy her a thing of flowers, like it's just that simple, it doesn't cost much, you can get a bouquet of flowers, buy books at walmart. Okay, it's just, it's just a simple thought get her, get her a treat or a drink, or if you know she there's a special drink just stop at the store and bring her home something. Be like I was thinking of you. The next day, just text her during the day and say I love you, I appreciate you. Here's why.

Speaker 1: 25:56

Right, yeah, I would say the next day is think of something fun and creative for a date night that weekend and make some plans and tell her that you're looking forward to taking her out. It's just that simple. I think the next day I would do I want to give you a massage, no expectations, or a foot rub or something. I just want to show you that I love you, just simple. I would say the next day, a husband could, instead of asking his wife what she needs help with, just looking around and start cleaning.

Speaker 1: 26:25

Just start doing something or yeah like don't even ask, just like if the house is a mess or something needs to get picked up or laundry needs to be done. Just start doing it. Just start being awesome. Not start being awesome Sorry, you're already awesome.

Speaker 2: 26:36

I didn't mean it like that. Just start being awesome.

Speaker 1: 26:38

Just just. That would be really appreciated for a wife. And then the next day I would literally say hey, honey, I want you to have some alone time. I'm gonna go take the kids for 45 minutes, play in the backyard, take them on a walk, do just get them out of the house so she can have a little alone time, just that simple. And then maybe the next day there's. Is that seven days, yeah?

Speaker 1: 26:57

write her a love note and leave it in her car well like you, like I'm just trying, trying to give the men romantic ideas that are literally not going to take you very long and they're going to mean the world to her.

Speaker 2: 27:07

Do something nice for seven days in a row and email us and let us know how it went. Let us know what the? Difference is in her attitude.

Speaker 1: 27:19

Her reflection, I guarantee she's going to smile and she's going to. Maybe, if you're not doing it with intentions to get something and just out of the pure loveness of your heart, you might see a shift in your intimate life.

Speaker 2: 27:33

Yeah, please do. Please let us know how it goes.

Speaker 1: 27:36

Please email us and we'd love to hear, and if you provide for your family like uh, thank you, You're a good man and that should be appreciated. Yeah, that should absolutely be appreciated.

Speaker 2: 27:50

Yeah, well, let us know. We hope you enjoyed the podcast and, until next time, hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.