Learning to Take Care of Yourself — with Tara Schuster, Author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies

On this week’s episode of Girl Gang the Podcast, we're in Los Angeles interviewing Tara Schuster - Author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies.

Show us you're listening by taking a screenshot and tagging us on Instagram @taraschuster and @girlgangthelabel.

Pre-order Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/565945/buy-yourself-the-fcking-lilies-by-tara-schuster/

Signup for Tara's weekly newsletter - http://www.taraschuster.com/subscribe

Stay up to date on new episodes of Girl Gang the Podcast and shop our merchandise at girlgangthelabel.com - use code GIRLGANG for 20% off your order.

If you'd like to recommend someone for the podcast, give feedback, or just say hi e-mail amy@girlgangthelabel.com.

#SUPPORTYOURLOCALGIRLGANG

Join the girl gang and stay up to date with new episodes @girlgangthepodcast

Email us with any guest recommendations or questions hello@girlgangthepodcast.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Girl Gang the Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Will, and the founder of Girl Gang. This podcast is brought to you by Girl Gangthelabel.com. Read our online magazine, The Edit, for interviews with female creatives, plus tips, tools, and rituals to level up your own career. Shop our line of merchandise, including our signature support your local Girl Gang collection. For every item sold, we team up with a charity to support women's education, health, and empowerment. Shop today and use code Girl Gang to receive 20% off at GirlGangthelabel.com. Show us your listening by tagging us on Instagram at Girl Gang the Label. Thank you so much for tuning in.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Hi, I'm Tara Schuster, author of Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies and Other Rituals to Fix Your Life from Someone Who's Been There.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Before we dive into the book, which I love so much, it was a perfect read before the new year to really like set up some awesome, actionable rituals. Before we get into it, and so we can give some context to our listeners, if you can kind of take us through your, I mean, incredible career path. I'm so impressed with everything you've done to date. So if you can um briefly take us through that a little bit and where you are now.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Yeah, well, first off, thank you so much for having me. And and thank you for reading the book and your response to the book. That makes I mean that's why I wrote the book was to connect with people. So thank you. Um, but yeah, I didn't set out to be an author. I actually uh went to school for playwriting, um, thought that was gonna be, you know, a fulfilling and lucrative career. Turns out not lucrative, cannot like my literal mentor, like when I I went to school for it, go to uh New York to like start putting up plays. And one of my mentors was like, I think you should uh consider a career in real estate. And I was like, wait, why didn't you tell me this earlier? And he was like, Oh yeah, no, you definitely can't make money doing this, like you'll need a side career. I was like, Cool, because I need to pay my brown loans. So thank you for all of this. Um, so I was in New York, realized life in the theater is not for me. Um, and I interned at the Daily Show, and that changed everything. It was so fucking cool. Jon Stewart was it was his show at the time. I love Trevor Noah, um, different era. He he was like so obsessively good at his job, and the staff was amazing. So I really learned from them. Um, and a lot of my career sprung from that. Um, and I talk about it in the book. Um, you know, there was this like coffee maker that John would um make coffee for himself in between rehearsal and taping. And even though, you know, I was nothing, I was like a lowly, lowly intern, but I realized, oh my god, that coffee maker means something to Jon Stewart. Like, I'm gonna be the best at the worst. I'm gonna make that coffee machine my bitch. Like it is never gonna be broken. So I became obsessive. I got a similar model, I was the technician. Um, and from that moment, the producers sort of noticed that I was really competent, which here's a big secret for Hollywood things. Like, just be competent. You don't have to even like be that smart or funny or good, competent, and like shows up is 80% of the game. So what I talk about in the book is this idea of being the best at the worst, that it really doesn't matter what job you're presented with, if you can maximize it, like maximize the fuck out of it and make sure you're the best at it, you feel pride yourself. Like there's something that you learn about yourself in that process, but then there's also the outside chance that someone cool is gonna notice. And in my case, it was the showrunners and producers of The Daily Show. So they got me my entry-level job at Comedy Central, um, where I was working in digital, basically like logging video records. If you have ever played a video on a website, I am the person who like built the CMS video record that that existed. And I was pretty bad at that, but like serviceable. What I was good at was coming up with how we should curate the homepage. It was called ComedyCentrals Jokes.com. Um, and it it ended up being a grad school in comedy because I had to log years of stand-up videos, which meant I was watching years of stand-up videos. And um, I kept doing that until I I don't even really remember why I did this, but I knew that there were things called pilots being screened in the building because digital in those days was not close to TV, you know, TV was like the golden sun, and digital was the redhead stepchild that nobody spoke of, you know, or if they did, it was with disdain, like distinct disdain. Um so I heard that these pilots were were being screened in the building, and they kind of snuck into one of the pilot screenings, and it was of the uh first episode of Key and Peel, and I was oh my god, it was like a revelation. I was like, oh fuck yeah, like whatever that is, I need to figure out how to be a part of that. So I lobbied my bosses to let me switch teams to the TV show, like still doing digital, but for TV shows. So I became the digital producer of Keen Peel, and that was again, I was the best at the worst. I was really, I mean, I say I was bad at building video records, I wasn't. I was crushing it, okay? I was fucking crushing the video record game. Um, and I I had a reputation for being responsible. So they were like, okay, you can do can peel. And I really clicked with Keegan and Jordan and the show runners. Um, and I had been in college pretty recently, so I was very used to watching things on YouTube. So I ended up helping craft their YouTube strategy, which became, you know, one of the most successful aspects of that show. So I I produced all of any of their digital segments I was the digital producer for. I ended up producing a side web series for them. Um, and by and by um I got them to move me to LA, so from New York to LA. So now I'm in LA and I I I'm sitting in our LA offices, and there are always people leaving meetings in little packs, and they look very important, and they're like whispering things in there in really good outfits, and I'm like, who are those people? And it turns out that's a department called development, and they're the ones who find the TV shows and make the TV shows, and I was like, I want that. So then through a series of just me never giving up, like straight up persistence because I did not have the requisite um experience for the job, I convinced them to let me into development. So that was five or six years ago. So now my job at Comedy Central is VP of talent and development, where I find and incubate and nurture ideas and comedians and TV shows. Um, and all on the side of all of that, I was writing this book. So I've been busy.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Things have been going on. My second internship was at MTV and it was logging all the VHSs in a room. Are you kidding me? Nope. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

You know exactly what's going on talking about.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Yes. I feel like it's that grit and persistence, like you're saying, and being okay with the evolution and not knowing where it's gonna end up, but just trusting the process and being open to it, and there's no other option.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

To your point, you know, there is no other way. And at the time I was really stressed out about where is this all gonna lead? I went to school for playwriting and now I'm doing this. Like in my mind was a constant stream of you are wrong, you are bad, you're not doing the right thing, this is wrong, and you'll never do the right thing. And I really had to deprogram myself to I am on this step. I can either do my best at this step or drive myself crazy. So why not do my best at this step? And when you do that, you know, when you commit to the VHS or the logging, the video record, um, you make a choice to say, I respect myself enough to do a good job here. This isn't forever. Um, the our the former president of Comedy Central, he always says, This isn't your first job and it won't be your last. You it's a it's a part of an evolution. And to your point, when you can be okay with the ambiguity, like the sooner, like the moment you can get okay with a little ambiguity is the moment where you get a little free because you can deprogram that voice that's like, this is wrong. Why aren't you on the next step yet? Like, I have to say to myself, like, fuck you, demon voice. I just this step is fine. I'm alive. What the fuck are we in such a rush about? You know? Um, so I I completely relate. That's oh my god, I can't believe you did that.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

This is so crazy because I usually don't talk about because my uh first internship I did link building at um National Lampoon. Um I just I really wanted Final Cut Pro and to take a class, but it was super expensive. And so I just like cold called them and asked if they needed editing. And they had this like um radio show downstairs, told them I knew Final Cut, went and printed out the 700-page manual at my library and studied it and showed up never touching it. But then they gave it to me for free. I was able to learn from someone and through that though, and being able to get opportunities that just trained me to kind of identify what you're saying, like what needs to get done or what are people not doing? And so that's at MTV. I was technically in the PR internship, but I saw these pile of VHSs from the hills that needed to be tabbed and all these things done. So one day I was like, hey, I'm down to stay a couple extra hours and do that.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Um, and then you just don't know where it's gonna lead. There was no hidden motive. I just knew I'm gonna show up at minimum, I'm gonna feel great about myself. Yeah. Someone's gonna really be able to count on me. But then they ended up recommending me.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

That's exactly how it goes. At minimum, you feel good about you. At maximum, somebody else is gonna notice. And I think that's exactly right. You you don't know where you don't know where the opportunities are, but you're definitely not gonna know if you don't go out and try to take any of them. Talking to um people who are just entering the workforce and this is their first job. I talk to a lot of people where they're just trying to get in. One of the first things I say is you are gonna get your hands as dirty as you possibly can, because that if also, like if what you're going for is status at the beginning, nothing is ever gonna be enough. And also you'll never get there. Like, that's not or if you do, it'll be such a hard path because it's built on so many ego things. But uh when you were talking about Final Cut Pro, if you if it can be built from a place of curiosity, like I want to learn something, as opposed to I want to be seen a certain way or I want a certain job title, I think that's always a much better um place to to start from.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

And now on this, I mean, as our listeners have now heard, your career path is so inspiring. A real message of the book is while all of this is happening, you kind of get triggered and realize like there needed to be a deeper level, and you were kind of running yourself to the ground. And if you can start to take us through the process of the lessons you share in the book.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Absolutely, and I think it's really important that people know that it's not some of the most successful people you see around you. It's not like la la la, everything is great inside. Um, but basically, I I was always good at school. Um, I grew up in a neglected household and I didn't really have parents in the in the sense of nurturing or um being supportive. Um and so by the time I was 25, I had used school as an escape and as a way to validate me, like validate my worth. Um, but by the time I turned 25, it was the morning after my 25th birthday. I was in my Black Spanx, black, also Spanx brand tights, so that's double Spanx, and uh Forever 21 sequend ensemble. Um, I woke up on top of my duvet grilled cheese sandwich next to me, no recollection of my birthday night the night before. Um, and I looked at my cell phone and I had all these misscalls from my therapist. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, why the fuck is Dr. Goldstein calling me on the weekend? That's weird. And I started to listen back to her messages, and as I listened, I realized, oh my god, I drunk dialed my therapist and I threatened to hurt myself. And I cannot remember doing this. I don't even really remember last night. I don't know that I can continue to live. If this is if this is what life is gonna be, I I really don't know what I'm going to do. And it was a really uh it was a very depressing realization. Um, and obviously I was not in a good place. Um but it was the first time where I realized nobody's gonna come take care of me. If I wanna have a life, I have to take full responsibility for myself and I need to be my own parent. I am tired of the story of I was neglected, woe is me. I need to give myself the care I never got. So because I had always been a good student, I was like, I'm gonna make a curriculum of reparenting. So I started a Google Doc that day with questions such as like, what are values? What are principles? What are vegetables? Like, what are any of these things? What is money? Uh how what is a better bra? What is about like literally the things that I just had never been taught um in any kind of real way. And over the next five years, I attacked those things. And I I would read any book I could. I was reading a memoir as self-care, because self-care wasn't even like really a term when I first started. Um, so I'd read Nora Afron and you know, just suck her books dry of her wisdom of like, what does she say about drinking? What does she say about throwing dinner parties? I mean, really all of their advice. Um, I'd watch my friends' parents like in a non-creepy way. Like, how do they interact with their family? What do they say? How do they show gratitude? Um, and over the course of five years in building this Google document, I grew myself into the person I wanted to be. And I couldn't believe it. At the end of it, I was happy, stable, like stable on my 25th birthday seemed like a dream in another fucking universe. Stable did not seem possible, um, much less happy. So it was so surprising to me that I realized I have a story to contribute. I took notes this whole time. Maybe I could help people uh reparent themselves, grow themselves up. And my hope is that you know, the book isn't just it's not just for people who went through a traumatic experience. It's for anybody who needs a little help in making sure they're taking responsibility for their life. Because I promise that that by choosing to take responsibility, you actually choose a more joyful life. Like it seems so hard at first, you're like, oh man, like what's the story gonna be if it's not I'm blaming everyone for why I'm currently in this position. It act it actually it seems really hard, but it is so much easier and like joyful, gleeful, adventurous to take on that work. So yeah, I often point out that even though this was happening while I was getting these jobs, like as I was succeeding, my 25th birthday happened around the time I think I switched to Keen Peel. I was I was really good at work and really bad at living. Um, and I think it's important that people know that those two things are not you you can be fucking killing it in your job and a mess-wreck disaster in your soul. And I certainly was. Um, but by going through this process, I was able to to pull myself out.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

For me, when you're not doing traditional destructive behavior, I feel like you don't really understand that you're tearing yourself down. So when I'm like, we're starting businesses, we're making money, we're doing all these great things, I'm fine that I'm exhausted and depleted and like crying at the grocery store. I'm not addicted to drugs. I previously had worn it as a badge of honor to consume myself in positive things when I couldn't deal with myself, and then had recently felt that kind of uh transition you were talking about as well, where it's like I'm starting to hit zero miles an hour. I'm starting to have these like out-of-body experiences. And so um, I think even people out there where you're, I think it's the most important thing to check in with yourself and your personal soul, and even if you're drowning yourself and the most positive of things, like even if you're starting a nonprofit, like if you are avoiding dealing with life, not even just dealing with trauma, but maybe things you want to work on about yourself, it's gonna eventually catch up to you and um you're not gonna be able to move on from that. And we do how you're talking about like when this was going on, there wasn't this self-help revolution there is now. And so I think it's so okay to just identify every everyone. We're always gonna be evolving, we're always gonna want to work on each other. And so starting with people you look up to just like you did, like, hey, they seem happy. Like, I kind of want to know what they do. Yeah. And then, but now we have these platforms for people like you are writing books. Like there's interviews you can watch and consuming yourself and learning how other people have done it, you can kind of kick start um this process. And it's okay, it doesn't happen overnight. Even if we're doing things on paper that are great, it still can be destructive and it's not okay for us. It can be very, very unhealthy.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

Yeah, I really I think, especially in this culture of this person was 22 and they won an Oscar. And like, if you haven't made it by 22, go fuck yourself. Like, it is such a drive to win now. Why didn't you win yesterday? That we get caught up on in that the goal, that the the the job, the title, the whatever. That's what you're trying to go for. Where the process is actually really enjoyable and one that you can learn from. And if and if the process is wearing you down and exhausting you, you gotta look at the process and you have to look at the goal. Like, what victory is it to start a nonprofit that you hate and that is ruining your life? Like, I know people who have these great on paper things that are ruining their life. Um, and I think freeing ourselves of those things and saying, you know what? I don't need to be the the in the book I write, you don't win um a sash at the end of your life for busiest or most important. You just don't. So why like and and to me that is right now what the social currency is is I'm busy every night of the week, I've got a networking event at this, and then I'm watching this, and then that. What's it all for if it's grinding you down? You know, so I love that that that that's something that you're exploring, and I really relate to that.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

There's like dozens of conversations I had in my head that were like no joke. Well, at least I'm not addicted to drugs, and then I would continue doing the things I'm doing. It's like I shouldn't be bartering a like a worst-case scenario. We need to be able to be quiet long enough to understand what we want to work on on ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Oh, I I have to say something. I am so inspired by what you just said. Like, I think that we are trapped in this place where we feel privileged, and so I shouldn't feel bad about this. I have this my career's taking off, and I didn't have it that bad, and I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. I'm crying in the supermarket, but I'm fine. No, you're not, and it's okay not to be fine. Nobody needs you to be fine. You again, you will never win an award for being fine. Um, so like one of the messages of the book that I hope people take away from it is slowing down and pausing and having an honest assessment. Because I think real self-care is about building self-awareness, it's not about buying a fancy candle, though I buy fancy candles. Um, it's about building a practice of self-awareness enough that you know what is really going on. Because once you're done with the fake life of this looks great on Instagram, and you deal with the real life of I am crying in a supermarket, that is where the growth comes from. That is where the real joy comes from. And I I think that especially women, like I think in this moment, women have um, you know, the I don't want to generalize, but like finally it feels like the um maybe the boot is not so heavily in our necks. And so we're like, yeah, like I'm gonna be a part of every fucking organization and charity and this, and I'm gonna do it. And it's like, yes, cool, great with you, but not at the expense of your soul. You know, you do not need to burn yourself out for anybody. Um, and I think it's about being reasonable about what you can and cannot take on.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I I mean, I struggle with this where um I'd kind of personally hit that part in my uh development process last year where I like couldn't do more, and so had switched the narrative to the phrase I was living by what you don't do determines what you can do. Yeah. And saying no to things and bringing to light what you can. And uh previously that narrative had really been for career opportunities, had shifted that now to it doesn't have to say no to something to do something else that keeps you busy. It could be say no to something to like recharge your energy. Like, what do you need to do for yourself?

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Just to be alone. Yeah. Monday nights, I don't fucking do anything. Try to find me on a Monday. You can't. I'm holed up in my apartment alone, goddammit. Like, I need that. I need to one night a week. I absolutely must be watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Like, I'm deeply passionate. I need to be there. So, you know, like I feel like a boundary like that, like even really being intentional. Like I go into my outlook, it is busy. It does not matter who wants a plan, how cool the plan is, I'm not fucking doing it. And for me, because I have the um tendency to overbook myself, like I had to make that rule. And this is like what the book is all about is creating rituals and habits. Any of these good things you want in your life, you know, to be a morning person, for example, which I was not and now am, is achievable. You just have to fucking do it. And I hope that the book gives um a guide. Like, here is actually how to. Believe. I'm like, believe what? Like, what exactly what do you want me to do with this? So, what I hope this book says is, you know, gives you a story so that you, you know, know where I'm coming from, that I was in the fucking mud. I'm not like some person on high to tell you what to do, but also here are some steps I took. You might be able to um slightly change them for yourself so that they make sense for you. But here's at least a little bit of an outline of how you can tackle this.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Pivoting into that, I would love to know what are your to date, um, some of the most important rituals you learned within that five-year process. Um, what does a daily, a weekly, a yearly ritual look like to you that has really kept you accountable on this like self-growth and committed to the um rework you've been doing on yourself?

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Yeah, um, my rituals are like my favorite thing in my life. Um, but I I think one of the most important is journaling. Um, and I thought journals were for broken narcissists uh who thought they were so important. Um now I'm like, I am important. Like I am important to me. And I think what journaling does is it helps you build a self-awareness practice. Um, I read the book The Artist Way by Julia Cameron, which was like fucking God handing me a lifesaver at that time. I read that like right on my 25th birthday. Um, and so every morning I wake up and then I don't check Instagram, I do not check Facebook, I do not check my email, I immediately grab for my journal and I write three pages of thought vomit. It's just whatever comes to mind, no censoring. Um, then I just added a meditation practice to it, but that was like 10 years in the making to get me to fucking meditate. Um, but uh I journal. That's like my I think that's my foundational ritual from all of this that really it was like getting DMs from my soul, like aware, like what do I actually need to work on? You have a lot more, um I think we all are more self-aware than we even want to give ourselves credit for. It's like when you're dating a dude who you know sucks and all your friends know he sucks, and you're like, he's great. Like he's not fucking great and you know it. So hopefully what you do in the journal is that he's not fucking great and you know it. Voice, you let that out. So journaling, really important. Um, exercise. I again thought that exercise was for egomaniacal people who only cared about losing weight. And what I came to realize was exercise is for your brain. I am such a happier, more low-key person if I sweat for 30 minutes every day. Um, so that's something I is also non-negotiable. If I'm taking a flight, whatever, I always make sure I can run before or after. So um exercise and running for me. So it's the journaling um and exercise are probably the two most important. And the third I'd say is a gratitude practice. Um, and for me, that's thank you card writing. That is trying to reframe things through what am I grateful for? Like I was recently in an argument with a friend, and I could just take it as like blame, blame, she's a bitch, fuck this, you know. But instead, I kind of looked at it from well, what can I learn? What can I take with me for next time? What am I grateful to have learned from this? And you can do that with everything. I I can't think of a situation where there's not something that you can take from it. So I think gratitude, and I did not grow up with gratitude. In fact, I once asked a parent of mine what they were grateful for, and they couldn't even answer they could not begin to answer the question, but sat there in silence because they could they couldn't find it in themselves to be grateful for anything, and like the question itself was jarring. So I've really worked my ass off to uh be able to have a real and authentic gratitude practice in my life. So I think um even the ritual of writing beautiful thank you cards on stationary that is very you in the book. I have a recipe for thank you card writing. Um, that is one of my favorite rituals.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

And then um, yeah, I'm so excited. I absolutely loved the book. I'm so grateful you were here today to be able to share an insight into what it's about, also your personal journey, um, and a reminder for everyone that it's okay to let our guards down, reach out to people you look up to for help. And um, yeah, hopefully we can just all grow and evolve together and maybe take life a little less seriously where it shouldn't, and then take it a little more seriously where it should, like loving ourselves and chasing our dreams, but um, letting go of these um unrealistic expectations we hold ourselves to.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

So yeah, and then um and then can you let everyone know when the book is coming out, yeah, and where to be purchasing it, where to follow your journey if they'd like to as well?

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Yeah. Um, so you can pre-order the book now on my website, which is tarashuster.com or wherever books are sold, you can pre-order it now. Um, it comes out February 18th. And if you go to my website, I also do a weekly newsletter, which is I give a self-care tip every week or something I'm working on, um, which is really fun because it feels like a real community is people ask me questions, so you can ask me questions there. I answer, and then I'm Tara Schuster on Instagram, where I'm also trying to be as vulnerable as possible and not put another garbage ego account into the universe.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

I'm trying. Well, thank you so much. And then we'll also, um, for everyone listening, we'll also be including links to the website and all the information just discussed as well on our episode notes page.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

So yeah, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I love talking with you. I know I love your take.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

Like, thank you so much for this. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you liked this episode, please take a moment to leave us a review. It helps us out so much. Remember to head to GirlGangthelabel.com to redeem your 20% off discount with code Girl Gang. Take a moment to remind the females in your life that they inspire you and support your local Girl Gang.