Ep20 Freeing Yourself from Narcissistic Relationships

Dr. Dar Hawks, the relationship healer, takes you on a journey to understand the deep-seated dynamics between narcissists and empaths.

Learn the tell-tale signs of narcissistic behavior and how empaths can unwittingly enable these traits. 

Discover the universal laws that can guide you to a path of self-healing and true empowerment in your relationships.

Transcript

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Today I'm talking about narcissists and empaths. Are we stuck in a never ending magnetic cord attaching toxic dance? So this morning, as I lay in between deep sleep and lucidity, the voice of my higher self said, write about the toxic dance and seemingly never ending chord of attachment between narcissists and empaths. Share your perspective about it and about the universal laws of duality, polarity and consequence because there is much misunderstanding and misinformation being provided to empaths for their process of being healed.

So here I've been sitting since 06: 1:04

30 a.m.. M off and on, waiting patiently for the words to fall out of my mouth and into your hearts. So I want to start with the characteristics of narcissism. Narcissists tend to crave attention and praise. They have extremely needy and demanding moments. They have unrealistic, often misguided, grandiose views of themselves, their lives, their relationships, their work, and their future and present. They can be very manipulative, condescending, argumentative, and defensive, all in order to get what they want. They can be very bullying, intensely controlling, dominating and jealous to an extreme, again, all to control the narrative and get what they want. They can both be shy and also very extroverted. Either way, they prey on your empathy, your giving nature and your caring nature. Or they can be very dominating and assertive and overpower your empathic giving and caring nature. Whether they are shy or extroverted, they are immensely charismatic. Their charm lures us into their lair. They don't show their tendencies until we have become enamored by them. And by then, they emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abuse those around them for self gain. They are known to call you selfish and blame you for anything and everything that doesn't align with their ideal and grand desires, which, by the way, can change in an instant. Or they manipulate you through using guilt, shame and embarrassment against you. They not only command and demand respect and loyalty, but they don't do what it takes to earn it, much less retain it. And yet, we get stuck in this loop of trying to please them, trying to make them happy, trying to create peace and engagement and create a better relationship, because that's what we do. We work on it, we stay with it until we can make it better. Their vanity and self adoration of their beauty also draws us in as well. The world in their head doesn't match up to reality, but we can never convince them of it. However, because, we as feel good energy women, we don't mirror those feelings. There are aspects of ourselves that we don't feel good about. And when we meet somebody who thinks so highly of themselves, we can be enamored by it. And we're also at the same time puzzled at how much they can exaggerate their accomplishments, make them up, and even lie about them. And when questioned, they masterfully turn it to the other person being the issue or the problem or something else. They truly think and believe they are the most important thing on the planet. When challenged or questioned, they criticize, blame, get angry, deny and lie even more. They believe their lies to be truth. And the person on the receiving end starts to doubt themselves and believe them, regardless of how obvious the lie is or how much the truth is crystal clear beyond any shadow of doubt. In short, they are bullyers, users, abusers, takers, manipulators and handlers. Their lies are truth to them, and their ideas about themselves and the world they live in are far from reality and what's happening in reality. And the thing is, we have enabled them to become larger than life monsters. And we have done that, dare I say it, by not having a little bit, just a smidge of the self love, self adoration, self belief, self exaggeration, self beauty, self love. By not having that for ourselves, for those of us who care so deeply about others in our world, we give and give and give and give. And when we don't have balance between the give and receiving, and when we don't truly honor and respect and love ourselves, we can attract more users, abusers, takers, manipulators and handlers, simply through our energy and openness to attracting that. So really, why are empaths so deliciously and irresistibly attracted to narcissists and vice versa? It's because they exude ultra confidence, never doubt themselves, and portray themselves as perfection and the best at everything. It's because they are working on attracting people who are going to give them what they want. It's that simple. And those of us who are dreamers, seekers, givers, oh my gosh, we love helping others, don't we? They are everything we as empaths and carers and givers, seekers and dreamers are not. But they portray themselves energetically, initially as higher, higher self versions of ourselves. We just don't see through their illusion of what they're exuding until we are knee deep into their web of deceit. You see, empaths, seekers, givers, lovers, dreamers, doubt themselves, unconsciously sabotage themselves, question their confidence and abilities. But we're always seeking higher learning. We're always seeking betterment. We're always seeking feeling better. And I say that empaths, seekers, lovers, dreamers, we practice humility, which is why we do those things. We look within as we observe others in our world and process that energy. We take it on as though it is our weight to bear. We secretly or openly want to transform the world and our world around us. But as we do that and help others and attract these shadow sides of ourselves, it's too much weight to bear. So we take in all that heavy energy. But here's the deal. It does not have to be that way. It really doesn't. I want to share the universal, these four. There's actually four universal laws I want to share with you and why they matter. The law of divine oneness says that everything is connected to everything else. So we feel falsely that we attracted the narcissist for a cosmic reason. We attracted them to make a difference. We attracted them to help them be better, to cause transformation and change. We come to believe that this love is so deep that it cannot be anything else but love. But here's the deal. It is energetic discord designed to help us find the oneness within, the love within, the honor within, and the respect within. So that's my answer to why we may attract them. So that we can see the oneness within and choose something else that's better for ourselves. The law of perpetual transmutation of energy says that every person has the capacity within themselves to change the conditions of their lives. So these higher feel good vibes consume and transform lower ones. So we find ourselves believing with incredible conviction that we can change the conditions, change the condition of our lives by staying in this relationship, because we can change them. Until one day we find ourselves so utterly diminished that we're faced with choosing our life or our death, both literally or figuratively. But here's the thing again. The transmutation of energy. We're not here to do that for other people. We're here to do that for ourselves. This law of perpetual transmutation of energy is about every person, each person having the capacity within themselves to transform the condition of their lives. When you tie that to the law of divine oneness and your feel good vibe, it's absolutely incredible how you shift your energy. The law of polarity, the third one I want to share with you, states that everything is on a continuum and has an opposite. In our lopsided world of programming and social conditioning and, frankly, manipulation, we, as women have been thought to think that opposites attract. Therefore, we are the issue. And there we are, the ones that need fixing. And we've been indoctrinated into a world of problems that are always in need of being solved. You are a person. You cannot be solved, and people are not problems. This law of polarity, for me, or the law of duality, exists for us to discern what feels good and what does not feel good so that we can be adept at choosing what feels good. You see, we wouldn't know what feels good if we didn't experience some, polarity or duality. But we don't have to plug into what doesn't feel good. And we've been taught through just about every system. I mean, grocery stores, products, marketing, advertising, job searching jobs. Companies, corporations, they've all been built out of a problem that needs to be solved. But here's the deal. I think that they exist today. And today. We have so much choice now, and we've already been through that not feel good to where we've connected with what doesn't feel good, that now we can choose what does. So this law of duality and polarity exists for us to discern and choose what feels good, become adept at choosing what feels good for you, and say and invite more yeses into your world instead of no's. Now, in order to get there, we start with a lot of no's. Gosh, I know. I have said so many no's, so many no's in my life. But today, I sit. I sit before you. With so many amazing yeses, I'm saying no less and less and less. In fact, there's very little I'm saying no to these days. most of it resides in my love of food. And that's where I'm saying no and making healthy choices for myself. Wouldn't that be wonderful for you too, to have more yeses in your life? Some more feel good in your life? The other law I want to share with you is the law of gender. It states that everything in nature is both masculine and feminine. And both are required for life to exist. And without the harmonic balance of both, there would be no movement, motion or creation. It is said that masculine energy is thought, and feminine energy is the life force that brings that thought into form and into reality. And so you need both. Together, they form the creative processes and imbalances of the two create a false sense of lack. And so we attract the opposite into our lives. We attract the not feel good into our lives. We have become imbalanced. The world as we know it today was built in masculine energy. And females. Women thought that to succeed, rightfully. So I am there too, but I'm coming out of it is that I have to live in the masculine world, so I have to be more masculine energetically in order to survive and thrive. My gosh, half my life was spent in that energy. It resulted in me, my body failing and, demanding, bringing back and restoring this balance of masculine and feminine energy. Because you are both. So let's start honoring both and restore harmony to the balance of these two energies so that you experience abundance and start attracting more yeses and feel goodness into your life. There's actually a fifth law that I want to bring up, and that's the conservation of energy. And it states that energy can neither be created or destroyed. It can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. Now, I'm not here to argue the new laws of physics. There are new things being created and discovered every single day. But from the context of energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another. It's very powerful with what I'm talking about here, because energy just is your feelings, your emotions, the moods, the anger, the, words we use, and what we do physically, whether we're shaking our hands or expressing ourselves with our bodies, all of that is energy, and it can be transformed or moved. So I invite us to move our bodies in a feel good way. I invite us to, think about what our words and thoughts are and whether they feel good or not, because we can transform them. We can transform them. So this is why each of us who identify with not only being empaths, but being highly emotional or sensitive believe that we are here to save others and the world. We are here to cause transformation, to be healers, and most importantly, to be healed. However, we're not here to take on the world. There is a subtle difference there. You see, we're not here to heal them or the world. We are simply here to heal ourselves. Shed whatever we've been told. That is true about having empathic or emotional or sensitive abilities, aka divine feminine energy. And we're here to feel good about ourselves. And when we feel good about ourselves, our lives, our work and relationships, nothing can diminish our energy to being small and insignificant. Once you get that you are not here to heal others or heal them, we find ourselves free from the toxic bondage. You see, we can only transform and heal ourselves in our own energies. And through doing that, we cause transformation and healing in others energetically. Not actively, not by pushing, not by suggesting, not by giving people tools unless they come to you and ask. And it's not the other way around. You see, I don't prescribe to what empaths, emotional, highly emotional, highly sensitive, introverted seekers or dreamers have been taught about being sponges, being stuck in unhealthy relationships, or needing crutches to just survive an hour in this world. Those models, unfortunately, make us think that it is ultra hard to live our lives as empaths, as emotionally astute, sensitive, beautiful human beings. They are based on the problem, looking for a solution model. I believe we are not problems to be solved and I see us as energy beings. And because we are energy beings, we can discern what energy to take in and what to not take in. We are not victims of energy coming in and out. We are choosers. But it requires understanding our energetic map, our own roadmap to our own unique energy. And when you know what and how that energy works in your body, then you can connect with it. You will stop becoming and being the attraction magnet for gaslighting narcissistic behaviors from others. It magically shifts energetically. Not by us physically doing something and taking action to change others. Notice where in your life and relationships you are being downtrodden or highly emotional or sensitive, triggered or defensive. Notice what you're taking on as energy. Notice how it feels. And are you choosing to take it on consciously? Or have you just taken on those behaviors in others as energy? Because energetically you think you are here to transform the energy. I invite you to learn about your unique body energy map so that you can begin to manage, leverage and honor and respect your personal energy system. And know when energy is not yours, know when it feels good and know if it doesn't and know what to do about it in an instant before you take it all in like a sponge that is so full and so heavy that you don't see a way out. You don't see a release, all by honoring the wisdom of your body's energy mat.