Ep32 Managing and Handling Relationship Anxiety

Unveil the mysteries of relationship anxiety in episode 32 of the Better Relationships podcast. Join us as I delve deep into the world of persistent worries and insecurities that can infiltrate even the most seemingly stable relationships. Learn about the signs of relationship anxiety, from the dreaded "frogs in your throat" to the exhausting cycle of overanalyzing every interaction. Discover how past experiences, from childhood to previous relationships, shape your anxieties and affect your present connections.

Get ready to explore the five sovereign relationship needs and how an unmet need can spiral into anxiety that strains the very bonds we cherish. Equipped with practical advice and strategies, this episode empowers you to recognize, manage, and heal from the anxieties that can hold you back from a fulfilling partnership. Whether it's through professional support, self-reflection, or understanding the lunar influence on your emotions, we guide you on a path to a more secure, healthier, and happier relationship.

Don't let anxiety control your love story. Tune in for an insightful journey that promises to transform your relationship with yourself and your partner. And for those eager to delve deeper, discover your primary and secondary sovereign relationship needs by taking our quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com, and book a personalized coaching session at RelationshipHuddle.me.

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Find solace in understanding and take control of your emotional well-being. Join me on The Better Relationships Podcast, where we turn anxiety into assurance and insecurity into intimacy.

Transcript

>> Intro: 0:24

Welcome to the Better Relationships podcast, where Dr. Dar Hawks, the relationship healer, shares the advice and insights you need to create the healthy, happy, and harmonious relationship you deserve.

>> Dr Dar: 0:44

Welcome to episode 32 of the Better Relationship podcast. Today, I'm exploring the topic of handling relationship anxiety and managing it. The definition of relationship anxiety, according to anxiety, is that it's a common mental and emotional health problem that affects how people feel about and act in their romantic relationships. It often involves persistent worries about the strength of your relationship, the possibility of it ending, the fear of not being good enough for a partner, or thinking that you've done something or said something wrong. Often, relationship anxiety can interfere with the ability to form a secure and trusting bond with another person. It can occur even if your relationship is going well, and if not addressed or managed early on, it can get worse and more intense over time. I personally believe that relationship anxiety starts getting formed as a child. Think about the times you thought you were going to get in trouble with mom or dad, or the times you got yelled at or punished for something, or the times that you got rejected for something or told no, and it really hurt your feelings. Those emotional experiences carry forward into your other relationships. I remember one of my parents blaming me for being jealous or selfish or lazy, and that created an insecurity in me that stayed with me in a traumatic way. Now, I have to admit that that was not their intention when they were saying those things about me. But later in life, when someone else said those things about me or about somebody I cared about, I would overreact, not in a good way. That's one example from my own life that I had to work through to help me see and understand the power of relationship anxiety when it's not managed or better yet, healed. Although everyone experiences relationship anxiety in their life and relationships at some point in time, it's not healthy to experience it consistently as it puts immense stress on your mind, body, even your partner and your relationship. This type of anxiety starts with uneasy, doubtful and uncomfortable feelings originating from insecurity and low self esteem about your partner and relationship. Understanding and addressing it can help you build a more secure, healthier and happier relationship, and you may have guessed by now that it has everything to do with how secure you are in yourself and how high your self esteem is, in addition to how healthy you are as an individual and how happy you are. That then emanates and bleeds into how you think and feel about your relationship. Relationship anxiety negatively impacts your ability to communicate, have trust in and believe in your partner and relationship and over time, it can deteriorate the health of your relationship. So it's really good to know the signs of relationship anxiety so that you can recognize it when it shows up. So here are some signs of relationship anxiety. Number one, frogs in your throat. When you find it hard to share your thoughts and feelings or keep some aspects of your life a secret because the thought of opening up puts a giant frog in your throat that blocks you from saying anything. You don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings, so you withhold. And the consequence of that is that you feel unheard, invalidated and potentially frustrated, and may get resentful. Two, overanalyzing. You find yourself analyzing every word said and unsaid, wondering if there's a hidden meaning, or if you did something wrong or what's wrong with your partner or your relationship. You then text or call over and over again until your partner gives you answers or you get the validation you desperately want. But when you do get it, it doesn't feel good because the way you approached it was from that overanalysis negative energy perspective. Number three, fear of uncertainty. Thinking about the future and not having a plan for the future, or having converse with your partner about the future because they've not wanted to plan with you or some other reason can cause an intense feeling of uneasiness about a point in time, later in the day or in the future that makes you feel very insecure. You then play what ifs in your mind, creating a whirlwind of anxious thoughts about things that have not transpired yet. You may even call friends and family members and start talking about the what ifs with them, and they will participate with you in creating more anxiety. Number four, comparing. You notice your partner speaks to a coworker or a friend differently. So then you compare yourself to them and wonder why they're treating them this way and not, you, the same way. You also can compare your relationship to that of others, wondering why theirs is better or what it is they have that you don't have, or that your partner doesn't have. Or you're comparing your partner to their partner. That makes you question your own worth in the relationship and decreases your self esteem and security. Number five, physical symptoms. Relationship anxiety causes stress, erasing. Ah. Heart, tense muscles, tight shoulders, headaches, shallow breathing, difficulty sleeping, lack of motivation, and lack of inspiration, which are all physical manifestations of the mental and emotional stress you're under. Number six, a need for reassurance. Your need for constant reassurance about your relationship or craving continuous validation from your partner. Just leaves you desperately craving more and it puts pressure on your partner and your relationship. Number seven, mood swings. One moment everything feels just fine and the next you're overwhelmed with upset. You may nag your partner to answer your questions and when they try to get some space away from you, you follow them around the house or badger them to try and satisfy your attachment needs, but it just leaves you feeling worse than you did before. Number eight, exhaustion. Relationship anxiety takes a heavy toll on your body and mind and energy levels. It can cause exhaustion and a lack of motivation and lack of productivity. You don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere, making it difficult for your partner to support you and your well being. Number nine, jealousy. You start looking for reasons to be jealous and to prove your jealousy is well founded because of your insecurities based on your partner's interactions with others. And you may be watching a, romantic television show or reading a book and that causes you to get jealous. And you may start rifling through their things or their phone and snooping on them to prove that your jealousy is true. This causes immense strain on the relationship, diminishes trust, and may even push your partner further away from you, which is the last thing that you want. Recognizing and being aware of these signs is the first step for managing relationship anxiety if and when you experience it. now let's explore relationship anxiety through the lens and perspective of the five sovereign relationship needs. There are five core sovereign relationship needs that everyone has, and when one of these needs, when it's your primary or secondary need, is unmet, it can cause relationship anxiety. If you're wondering about your primary and secondary sovereign relationship need, you can learn more and discover yours by taking the sovereign relationship needs quiz. You can go to needs drdarhawks.com and take the quiz. I'm going to now explore the signs of relationship anxiety in the context of the five sovereign relationship needs. With an unmet love and belonging need, you could be overly reliant on your partner for emotional validation, being heard and understood, a constant need for affection, and a deep need and sense of belonging. You may also feel rejection, have more hurt feelings over the smallest of things, and potentially feel abandoned by your partner in your day to day interactions with an unmet fun need, you fear not being fun enough or worry your partner doesn't enjoy spending time with you, but enjoys being at work or with friends more than you with an unmet freedom need. You don't invest time on your own hobies or interests, and you don't feel comfortable spending time apart. You instead want to know what your partner is doing, saying and where they are going to feel secure about yourself and your relationship. Your whole focus is on your partner and their day to day comings and goings. With power as an unmet need. You're concerned that being too open or vulnerable will give your partner too much power over you and even use it against you. You may also fear any type of conflict, so you do what you can to maintain harmony and peace no matter what it takes, potentially sacrificing yourself and your own needs for that of your partners. The safety and survival need when unmet results in overwhelming concern and worry about your future when it comes to things like financial stability, living arrangements, emotional support, promises made to each other, and potentially a heightened need to control your partner and relationship to ensure your safety to the point of being overprotective and overbearing. Those are just some examples of how the five core sovereign relationship needs can manifest in the context of relationship anxiety. So understanding those signs from the lens of the five sovereign relationship needs does provide you with insights into how relationship anxiety can be better managed by you when it shows up here are some ways to get a handle on relationship anxiety when it shows up. Reflect on your past experiences that have contributed to your insecure feelings. Think about any childhood traumas or negative relationships from your past that are impacting you and your current relationship through memories. Seek professional support in the form of therapy or relationship coaching to help you heal and move forward from these past events so that they do not keep recurring for you. Recognize patterns in your thoughts and behaviors that are, a carryover from past experiences. Invest a little bit of time to better understand why you feel, the way you do, where it comes from, and what you can do to shift it. Check in honestly and objectively to assess whether or not your current experience and relationship are the same as those past experiences because at the end of the day, this is a different person and there may be things that remind you of the past but aren't necessarily true. As a negative experience in the current relationship, determine whether they are real now or something that's carried over in trapped memory. Evaluate how external factors like social media, books, television, society's pressures, religion, or past rejections could be fueling your feelings of insecurity. Make an active, conscious choice to focus on what is working in your life and your relationship instead of what's not. Because when you have the mindset focused on what's working, you're going to make better decisions and better choices and be able to implement behaviors and actions from a more positive place than you would with a focus and perspective of what's broken. You can also better manage relationship anxiety from the perspective of what's working than you can from the perspective of what's not working. It's easier to find solutions that are beneficial for you to increase your self esteem and your security in your relationship from the perspective of what is working. Take time for yourself. Carve out time in your day just for you. Learn how to be comfortable with being quiet with your own thoughts and feelings. It can feel unbearable for a few moments, but if you just love yourself enough to be patient and sit with them and let them pass and wash through you, you will get some wisdom from those feelings as they pass through you. You can also read a book, take a bath, do something creative, go for a walk, spend some time outside because that's also very healing. And prioritize activities that bring you joy and help you relax and stay away from your cell phone and technology for a bit. It is said that half an hour to 45 minutes outside in nature will have benefits for up to a month. This will give your brain time to focus on something else for a while, especially if you've been fixating on something that just doesn't feel good. That'll create a healthy distraction for you and give you the ability to reorient your focus on what's working in your life and relationship. And you'll find out after those emotions and the anxiety passes. Over time, you'll get better at it. It'll only take a few minutes and you will have some clarity and understanding through the wisdom of your emotions. After it passes, pay attention to and make notes about how you feel during each phase of the moon for approximately three months. If you can do it for a year, that's even better because it will give you a map to your own mental and emotional health. This website can help you daily as well. To track by the moon mooncalender astroseek.com I also have some monthly worksheets you can use to make this easy for you, and I'm happy to provide them for you. Send me an email at drdar@drdarhawks.com put in the subject I want the monthly moon worksheets and I'll send them to you. It may sound nuts to you, but there is a connection between your moods and anxiety to the moon cycles. Once you know your patterns with the moon cycles, you will know when your relationship anxiety gets worse or gets better or is nonexistent, and that'll better prepare you for self care because then you'll know which moon cycles affect you more so than others. And if you track for a year, you will definitely have more information around those times and moon cycles so that in the next year, when that moon cycle shows up, you will know in advance and be able to plan accordingly. Self care and silence and manage your relationship anxiety at that time. Challenging negative thought patterns can also be a great way to manage and handle relationship anxiety. The first step is to identify make notes about your negative thoughts. Write down the thought and what may have caused it or triggered it. Maybe it's something your partner said or did, or something that reminded you of a past experience or relationship. Then ask yourself if it's true today. Is it true? And if you say yes, then jot down some notes as to why you feel that it is true. Start by recognizing the patterns of negative thinking that contributes to your relationship anxiety. Write them down, say them out loud to acknowledge their presence, and then you have dominion over that thought. Going forward, you can choose to have it or not, and I'm going to give you some tools next on how to do that. The second step is to question ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions or something that happened in a past relationship or a story that you've created. Challenge the thought with evidence from your current experiences that contradict those negative beliefs. Quite often when we have a negative belief, there are up to two or more contradictions against that negative thought. The third step is to replace once you've identified and questioned your negative thoughts, consciously replace them with a positive one. It's even better to replace them with a positive thing that happened currently in your life. Remind yourself of your worth and value whether you are in a relationship or not. Because your worth and your value is yours. It's not determined by other people or by your relationship. It is a contribution to your relationship. Practice is the fourth step. Remember, it's normal to have doubts and insecurities periodically, but also remind yourself that you deserve love and happiness. Gift yourself with the compassion you give to your partner. By challenging and reframing negative thought patterns, you truly can shift your relationship mindset towards a more positive outlook on your relationship, reduce anxiety, and increase feelings of security and trust in yourself and with your partner. I do invite you to seek professional help and support. If relationship anxiety is overwhelming and impacting your daily life, productivity and your relationship, please do get some professional support. Professionals who specialize in relationships can help you understand and heal. More importantly, be healed from relationship anxiety much quicker and provide you with insights and tools on how to handle it. Going forward, you could opt for therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy, also known as CBT, can help you challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier ways of thinking about yourself and your relationship. You could also consider couples coaching and relationship coaching if your anxiety is affecting you and your relationship. Couples coaching can provide a safe space to communicate openly with your partner and work through issues together. You will learn communication techniques and skills as well as listening and empathy skills with your partner. You can also work through them yourself with your relationship coach so that you're no longer completely dependent on your partner for emotional support and working through the issues and increasing your self esteem and securities 1st may help you before you go into couples coaching, you will learn healthy communication techniques so that you are equipped with the skills to communicate with your partner when you're feeling anxious instead of relying on them to make you feel better. The third one is medication. There are more extreme cases where medication prescribed by a psychiatrist can help you manage your anxiety systems while you work on underlying issues in therapy. Taking medication without addressing the underlying issues may put you on a path that doesn't provide the healing and may not be sustainable for your future. However, please consult with your medical professional to determine what is best for you. Getting support is not a sign of weakness. It is a proactive step towards improving your mental health and well being. Do not hesitate or wait to reach out for help if you need or want it. Also, when anxiety shows up, it causes us to go inside ourselves and withdraw. It can also make us feel guilty or shame or fear and going into the cave when we're feeling anxiety. If it's going on too long and you're withdrawing for more than a couple of days, that is definitely a sign to seek help. If you're looking for a personalized approach to understanding and, managing relationship anxiety, consider starting with the sovereign relationship needs quiz. This quiz is designed to help you identify your primary, secondary and shadow relationship needs. Knowing your primary and secondary need can help you assess your relationship anxiety through the steps that I've previously provided. From the lens of how this need is or is not being met, and then being able to talk with your partner about it from a more healthy framework, knowing your shadow relationship need will help you understand what situations, behaviors and things that are communicated are not healthy for you. Your shadow relationship need and knowing it will provide you insights around what does not bring out the best in you and what may trigger anxiety for you. Knowing your sovereign relationship needs can be a game changer. When it comes to managing relationship anxiety because you will know exactly what you need, how to get that need met, and, how to get your partner to support you. And if you want to get relationship coaching now to build your relationship mindset skills and move forward from relationship anxiety, go ahead and book a relationship coaching huddle with me at relationshiphuddle me. And if you've decided you do want to take the quiz, you can do that at needs drdarhawks.com. I hope this has been helpful to you. Drop me a line. Drop me a note please comment on your favorite platform and I look forward to seeing you next time.

>> Credits: 23:26

If you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful, please subscribe to the better Relationships podcast on your favorite platform and share it with your friends and family. Together, we can create a community of healthier, happier and harmonious relationships. To better understand your unconscious needs and unlock better communication, take the sovereign relationship needs test at relationshiptest me so you can have a more fulfilling relationship with your partner. For additional resources, information, and to share your thoughts or questions, visit drdarhawks.com. That's Drdar hawks.com. And if you'd like to schedule a coaching session with Dr. Dar, visit relationshiphuddle me. Until next time, keep communicating with curiosity and an open heart. The advice in this podcast is not a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment provided by licensed medical or mental health professionals.