Ep34 Understanding Marriage Problems After Welcoming a Baby

Parenthood brings a profound sense of love and joy, yet it can also introduce unexpected strains on even the strongest of unions. This episode delves into the reality that new parents face, from sleep deprivation to the mountains of chores that can lead to bickering and resentment.

I tackle the seven key challenges that may arise post-baby: the overwhelming household tasks, clashing parenting styles, the relentless exhaustion, financial pressures, the absence of support, the scarcity of alone time, and the diminishing quality time for couples. As a seasoned relationship expert and marriage coach, I offer insights and practical solutions to navigate these turbulent times, emphasizing the importance of creating a Relationship Vitality Plan and maintaining a balance between personal, couple, and family time.

Through the lens of the Five Sovereign Relationship Needs—love and belonging, fun, freedom, power, safety, and survival—I present scenarios and solutions that resonate with the new parent experience. From prioritizing date nights to embracing individual freedom, from negotiating parenting roles to ensuring financial security, this episode is an invaluable guide for maintaining a strong, healthy marriage amidst the wonders and challenges of raising a child.

Don't miss the chance to take our Sovereign Relationship Needs quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com, designed to help you and your partner identify your primary, secondary, and shadow needs. This tool can illuminate the path to addressing and embracing the changes in your relationship after welcoming your little one.

Join me for an episode that promises to strengthen your partnership, enhance your communication, and ensure that your relationship remains a nurturing environment for both you and your child. 

For more resources and to download your Better Relationships Toolkit, visit www.relationshipstoolkit.com. 

Transcript

>> Intro: 0:22

Welcome to the Better Relationships podcast, where Dr. Dar Hawks, the relationship healer, shares the advice and insights you need to create the healthy, happy, and harmonious relationship you deserve.

>> Dr Dar: 0:43

Welcome to episode 34 of the Better Relationship podcast. Today, I want to dive into a topic that many couples find themselves grappling with, but seldom discuss openly the challenges in a marriage after the joyous arrival of a baby. Understanding marriage problems after welcoming a baby is really essential so that you can be aware, address them as they arise, and maybe even have a plan that you've agreed to with your partner to avoid them altogether. Becoming a mom or dad brings immense love and joy, but it can also strain your relationship, even if it was the healthiest, happiest, and most team oriented type of relationship before the baby arrived. Understanding the potential marriage problems that I'm going to share with you that can arise after welcoming a baby, like I said, can prepare you to recognize and address them before they become something that's irreparable. And as a relationship expert and marriage coach, I want you to know that you're not alone in facing these hurdles. I, believe most, if not all, parents go through these concerns. There is an impact of parenthood on a marriage. The birth of your child is undoubtedly one of your greatest blessings, but it comes with a unique set of challenges for you as a couple, starting with sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and the constant demands of a tiny, gorgeous, lovely human being can take a toll on your emotional, mental and physical well being. It's really a good idea to acknowledge that these changes are normal and expected, but also understand and accept that they can also create tension in your relationship if you don't first put steps in place to keep the tension low or nonexistent. Planning for the arrival of your child is exciting, but I've found that planning for the support needs your child has, in addition to your domestic and career responsibilities and your relationship needs and health, is not something couples prepare for. They don't review their relationship to see what's working, much less resolve what's not working in their relationship before they have a child. And quite often, the issues that were there before having a child tend to get more intense after having the baby. I'm an advocate for and I coach couples to create their own relationship vitality plan that they review at least once a month to ensure their own needs are being supported and met, as well as that of their family and children. It is natural or even automatic, dare I say, to put your complete focus on your child. But what happens is your relationship falls to a secondary or much lower priority and you and your partner will eventually feel that you're not a priority for each other. It is hard, if not implausible, for a couple to make their relationship of primary importance and their child secondary, but I want you to think about it this way. A healthy, happy and harmonious relationship between two parents then provides a happy, healthy and harmonious environment where your child can thrive. Putting the health and well being of your relationship first is the greatest gift you can give your child, and you will be role models for what a healthy relationship looks like, setting your child up for success for the day when they get into a relationship of their own. Contrary to popular belief, your child is experiencing what a relationship is like through watching and observing and feeling and sensing and hearing what you both do together and how you interact with each other. So it's healthy to have your eyes wide open and know the challenges you may face as new parents. So here are some of those issues that I want to share with you. The first one is too many chores and bickering or arguing about everything that needs to get done. There are mountains of laundry, dishes piling up at the sink, shopping and meal prep that's needed, and other household tasks that need immediate attention but get put to the wayside and they become so monumental that just looking at the things that need to be done is overwhelming. On top of caring for your child, you're both exhausted from lack of sleep. You find you have little to no energy to take care of all the things you used to do around the house and for each other. And you may even feel like you're not getting the support you need from your partner when too much time goes by. With things piling up to get done, you may start keeping score of what you do versus what your partner is not doing, and that causes arguments, which in turn causes stress, maybe even starting to avoid each other and some resentment. The second one is clashing parenting styles. If you find that you and your partner have different approaches to parenting, discipline, and your parental roles, it's really important that you have conversations and agreements about each other's roles, the responsibilities you're each going to be accountable for and own, and your approaches to parenting, and agree to the different ways you're going to parent and versus the same ways it's okay to have differing ways of parenting as long as they don't create conflict for your child and each other and you've discussed the different roles and approaches. If you don't do that and have alignment, this will cause arguments and a very stressful situation for your child, but it also strains your relationship. Exhaustion and lack of sleep. New parents are known to be extremely sleep deprived. You're m unable to allow yourself to fully disconnect. Go into a deep sleep to get the rest you need for fear of not hearing your baby crying for your support. It's like you have this subconscious alarm clock that yells at you to wake up at every sound, thinking your baby needs you. This lack of self care builds up over time, causing your tempers to flare more easily, having less patience for each other and adding to the stress in your relationship. The fourth one is financial challenges. The cost of raising a child today is daunting. Carving out, time to find lower cost quality products for your child and household is also difficult, but necessary. When prices change, it causes stress and makes it difficult to make a budget, much less stick to it. And deep down, you just want to get what your child needs when they need it. But not having the money to do that is disappointing and frustrating. Dealing with costs that vary each week makes it difficult to manage a fixed budget. That also adds yet another layer of worry and stress. The fifth area is a lack of support. Parents can feel isolated or unsupported when their partner does not participate as an equal partner in the caring and feeding for your child, sharing in household duties and giving each other the space and time to rest. All of that has a negative impact on the relationship. And when one parent works outside of the household and the other parent is home 24/7 with the child, they need a break too, because it is work, staying in home and taking care of everything that needs to be done at the house. Think about it this way. If you were to hire a full time nanny and a full time housekeeper today, what would those costs be and how much time would you be paying them for? And that's what the partner that is at home all day is doing. But often those things get overlooked. It's really crucial for you both to look at what you're doing each day, the effort you're putting, into it, what it's causing stress on you for, and how each of you can collaborate to get each other's needs met. But more important, support each other and get the rest that you each need. The 6th area is not having any alone time at all. You each struggle to find time for yourself without any responsibilities other than self care. And the demands on your time for household, family career needs overrules your need for alone time. But I can't, emphasize this alone time enough, even half an hour outside in fresh air for yourself will make a difference on a daily basis without any interruptions or being disturbed by your partner or your child. The 7th one is no quality time together. I find that couples prioritize their child, their career and household needs above quality time together because you prioritize your child first, above everything else, and consider your career part of that priority. Time for each other and your relationship just naturally moves down lower and lower in priority. But carving out time on your calendars for each other at least for 15 to 30 minutes each day, at least one date night a week, and time on weekends together keeps your relationship on a thriving, connected path. Also, talking about your baby during your quality time together should not dominate the conversation. I find that couples who have focused on their child during their conversations and stopped talking about each other's day, about each other and their relationship and their careers find themselves having nothing in common many years later, especially after the children have left the house. Participating in shared interests or hobies that you can do together or try together is one way to solve this and to have quality time together. This will bring variety and interest into your relationship from the day to day routine. Participating in each other's interests or hobies also is a great way to show that you care about each other's passions and demonstrate support. Taking turns on date night, for example, doing an activity that your partner enjoys, and on the next date, you doing something you enjoy with your partner is a wonderful way to connect. Also, with a baby, there can be no time for physical intimacy or romance with your partner. All your love, nurturing and intimacy goes to your baby and your child. And as your child gets older, parents often get stuck in that role. It's easy for you to forget to prioritize quality and romance time with each other, and that then results in feeling unsupported or feeling that you're just not a priority to your partner or in the relationship. Adjusting to life with a baby takes effort, but investing in your relationship as you go pays off. Now, I'd like to share some common challenges and solutions and scenarios with you in a marriage after having a baby from the lens of the five sovereign relationship needs, those relationship needs are love and belonging, fun, freedom, power, safety, and survival. From a love and belonging perspective, here's the scenario. Jane and Mike used to have spontaneous date nights, plan fun vacations and weekend trips, and have deeper conversations after the birth of their baby. Jane feels Mike is more focused on his career and ambitions than on their relationship, and Jane feels like she's more focused on the parenting tasks. They struggle to find time for each other, and that leads to feeling emotionally disconnected. The challenge is that the arrival of your baby shifts the focus of attention from each other to the needs of your baby. You both may feel a sense of loss or longing for the intimate connection you had previously, or feel disconnected in your relationship. Or you may just be focused on your career, or parenting tasks and not even be thinking about each other or your relationship. Because your baby is more important. The solution is for you to prioritize quality time for just the two of you. Whether it's a quiet dinner, a movie night at home, or even a short walk, finding moments to reconnect emotionally is crucial. Also, finding a way to disconnect and having time away without thinking about your baby is also essential. Believe it or not, so putting the care of your child in the hands of someone you absolutely trust and know that they'll call you if they need you is important so that you can have that unplugging time. Do your best to not talk about your baby or anything related to that topic during your quality time together. My clients find they don't have much to talk about or much in common when they put their complete focus and conversations on their child. The second sovereign relationship need is fun. Here's the scenario. Sarah and Mike used to enjoy spontaneous road trips and weekend getaways. Their weekends now are filled with baby related tasks. They miss the carefree fun they used to have and find it challenging to inject playfulness into their daily routine. It's almost like they're in an automatic mode of step one, step two, step three in their daily routine. The challenges that they face is that the demands of parenting can really drain the fun, spontaneity, and joy from their relationship. Couples also find it challenging to incorporate light heartedness and playfulness into their daily lives. But the truth is, your baby can benefit from play just like the two of you can. The solution is to schedule fun activities together, and this means fun activities together as a couple, and then fun activities together with your child as their parents. It could be as simple as playing board games, taking a day trip, or trying out a new hobby. Bringing laughter and fun back into your relationship builds a deeper connection and the desire to spend quality time together. Even having laughter and playtime right before bedtime M is something pretty cool as well, because you both go to sleep with a light hearted approach on your mind, and you wake up lighter by doing so. The third sovereign relationship need is freedom. The scenario is that Chris used to enjoy going to the gym and attending sporting events with his friends, but he now feels guilty about taking time away from the family. And when he does, his partner resents him for having the freedom to do what he wants when he wants, even though their partner has agreed to it. The challenge is that parenthood, comes with the sense of losing personal freedom. Couples feel restricted in their ability to pursue individual interests or spend time alone, and they may contribute to making the other partner feel guilty for taking time out for themselves. I suggest negotiating and communicating about your individual needs for alone time and personal time and time together. You really have to prioritize time for yourself, time together as partners, and time together as a family. Establish a consistent schedule for those three categories of time so you and your partner know when you're each taking self care alone time, when you are taking together time, and when that family time is. It's on the calendar, it's scheduled, you can count on it. And if for some reason an emergency shows up and one of you can't show up for each other, then the other can pitch in while you're away. Find reliable, trustworthy childcare so that you both have the freedom to pursue your passions, maintain a sense of self, and practice self care. I find that new parents get stuck in not taking time for themselves and each other, and instead only having family time. And those three buckets of time are really important. The fourth sovereign relationship need is power. Here's the scenario. After the baby's arrival, Emily took on more household and childcare responsibilities while John focused on work. They may not have had this agreement and may have naturally fallen into it. Or they did have the agreement, but it's become a problem now. Emily feels overwhelmed and undervalued, leading to a power imbalance. She is focused on household and childcare responsibilities 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Their lack of communication about the division of tasks exacerbates the issue. John needs to relax after a long day at work, but so does Emily after a full day of dealing with a crying child. The challenge is that changing roles or adjusting responsibilities after having a baby can lead to power struggles. You may feel overwhelmed or undervalued in your new roles, and you both have needs that have to be met in those roles. The solution is to actively work on creating a sense of equality in your responsibilities. Regularly discussing and adjusting your roles and needs based on you and your partner's strengths and preferences each week, and making agreements and commitments and respecting and honoring them and not breaking them is really important. Acknowledging and appreciating each other's contributions to the family will go a long way as well. The fifth sovereign relationship need is safety and survival. The scenario is that Tom and Lisa are financially strained after Lisa took maternity leave. They argue about budgeting and long term financial plans, and the stress of ensuring the family's survival puts a strain on their emotional connection, making them feel less secure in their relationship. Here's the challenge. Parenting, financial concerns and sleep deprivation can create an environment where one or both of you feel vulnerable, anxious, frustrated, guilty, and even angry. Attacking, criticizing or blaming each other can become the norm. When you are under stress. You may see problems with your partner or your relationship now that you did not realize before your baby arrived and the changes you desperately want and need are not happening. Open communication about financial concerns, parenting strategies, and overall well being is essential to create a sense of security. Also, having regular coaching sessions with your relationship, marriage life or parenting coach can also provide you with an outlet and emotional support while also building a structure for day to day life and help you resolve any conflicts or arguments that you may be having. Knowing your sovereign relationship need and shadow need to have a deeper understanding of potential marriage problems after welcoming your baby is helpful. Your sovereign relationship need represents the higher expression of yourself. You were at your best when your primary sovereign relationship need is being fully met. The same holds true for your secondary sovereign relationship need and those of your partner. But there's also a shadow sovereign relationship need that you have, and it represents the lowest expression of yourself. So knowing yours and your partner's sovereign relationship needs and shadow needs can offer you insights, guidance and support. As you explore being parents together while also growing in your relationship, it will make more sense to you what I'm talking about. Once you take the sovereign relationship needs quiz that I've created to help you identify your primary, secondary and shadow sovereign relationship needs, go ahead and take the quiz at needs drdarhawks.com and ask your partner to take it as well. I'll send you PDFs that explain all of the needs and some strategies on how to work together and collaborate with each other's needs and shadows connecting communication is the key to healthy, happy and harmonious relationships, along with accepting each other in your similarities and your differences instead of trying to make each other change to benefit one or the other person. The foundation of any healthy relationship starts with communication, and this becomes even more crucial after becoming parents, creating that safe place where you can share your feelings, fears and frustrations openly with your partner without being judged, blamed, criticized or creating a fight is important before you become parents. Also, you're not each other's mind readers. Neither of you may be aware of what you're going through unless you share it with each other. Only you together can create that safe space for open and honest conversations that are free from judgment that nurtures your relationship, but also nurtures the relationship with your baby. Teamwork as equal partners is also important. This transition to parenthood is a team effort, but it was a team effort before. When you became partners in a committed relationship, it's time for you to understand that both of you are adjusting to new roles and responsibilities and talking about those responsibilities and who is going to own each one is important. Also, discussing how to support each other when one cannot fulfill their accountability when an emergency situation arises, for example, is important. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated, but acknowledging each other's contributions can help you build a healthy relationship. Sharing the workload, celebrating small victories, and leaning on each other for support can go a long way to creating a happy environment. Also, not enabling each other by going ahead and doing each other's responsibilities because you think the other person's busy or you're making assumptions is unhealthy as well. But talking about it and asking your partner I'm noticing that you're really busy at work today. Would you like me to take care of shopping for groceries today because I had some time open up and I'm happy to take the baby with me is important instead of assuming and just doing it. Because by assuming and just doing it when done repetitively over time, when your partner didn't ask you to do it or say yes when you ask them if it would be helpful will build resentment over time. Prioritizing romance and intimacy is important. The exhaustion that comes with caring for a newborn can leave couples feeling physically and emotionally drained. It's essential to find moments for intimacy and connection. It could really be that kiss in the morning, in five minutes for a hug, and just looking at each other in each other's eyes, showing how you appreciate each other could also be quality time together with a simple dinner, a quick cup of coffee, a moment of connection or reflection. All of those can draw you closer together. It's important to build those into your daily schedule, and I mean daily schedule. Two or three times a day is important. Another one that's often overlooked by couples is getting an outside perspective that can provide you with valuable insights and strategies to help you create balance in your life together. As a family and individual. They can help you put structures in your life and talk about it and help you agree to these structures without arguing or a fight or a tit for tat conversation. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help through coaching, counseling, support groups, or reaching out for friends of family to support you. In fact, couples that invest in weekly relationship coaching sessions feel that they have quality time with their partners, feel like they have conversations, that are building their future and focused on the present moment and growing together and building their relationship more than couples who don't have their structure in their lives. Prioritizing self care for each other and both of you as individuals is important. It's easy to neglect self care. Both of you must prioritize your well being individually and as a couple. This may involve taking turns caring for your baby to allow each other time for self reflection, relaxation and personal growth. And when you're taking this time out, this alone time, not calling each other like really taking that time to unplug is important. Embracing those changes, communicating with love, appreciating and supporting each other will help you connect deeper as a couple. Your marriage needs nurturing, and by approaching these challenges with compassion and understanding, you can become more connected than ever before. I invite you to get the better relationships toolkit because it's something you can do on your own or do together to nurture and keep your relationship on a healthy path. It's a structure and a framework that'll help you keep focusing on blame or arguing or focusing on the problems, and instead focus on things that can improve your relationship and interactions day to day. With communication tools, relationship and mindset and behavior tips, a, letting go exercise, and even a self care guide, you will be equipped with the best of my coaching techniques. Go ahead and get your toolkit now at www.relationshipstoolkit.com. I really believe you'll get tremendous value out of it. I hope this was helpful to you. If you've got any questions, please reach out to me@drdarhawks.com and I'll see you next time.

>> Credits: 29:26

If you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful, please subscribe to the Better Relationships podcast on your favorite platform and share it with your friends and family. Together, we can create a community of healthier, happier and harmonious relationships. To better understand your unconscious needs and unlock better communication, take the sovereign relationship needs test at relationshiptest me so you can have a more fulfilling relationship with your partner. For additional resources, information, and to share your thoughts or questions, visit drdarhawks.com. That's d r d A r H Ah. Awks.com. And if you'd like to schedule a coaching session with Dr. Dar, visit relationshiphuddle me. Until next time, keep communicating with curiosity and an open heart. The advice in this podcast is not a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment provided by licensed medical or mental health professionals.