Ep36 What Makes a Relationship Successful?

In episode 36 of the Better Relationships Podcast, join me, Dr. Dar Hawks, as we delve into the heart of what makes a relationship truly successful. With years of expertise, I'll unravel the threads that weave together a thriving partnership, focusing on the five overarching relationship skills that are the bedrock of love and understanding.

Learn about the art of being unselfish, where the happiness of your partner is just as important as your own, and discover the significance of connecting communication—authentic, clear, and without the emotional turmoil. I'll guide you through building trust, recognizing and healing triggers, and the importance of fair negotiation in the distribution of resources and responsibilities.

This episode isn't just about identifying what works; it's about applying practical strategies to your relationship. From embracing the concept of co-equality to staying present and adaptable, I share the 15 pillars of a strong relationship that I use with my clients, offering a foundation for couples to grow together as change happens in their life.

Dive into the Relationship Success System, a roadmap I've created for couples seeking harmony and fulfillment. Explore the sovereign relationship needs, relationship mindsets and behaviors, connecting communication, managing energy with relational human design, and crafting a Relationship Vitality Plan. This comprehensive framework is designed to enhance and nurture your relationship at every level.

Whether you're looking to strengthen your bond or find new ways to connect, this episode provides the insights and tools you need. For those ready to take action, I invite you to book a coaching session, or for a DIY approach, download the Better Relationships Toolkit at Toolkit.drdarhawks.com. And if you're eager to start crafting your Relationship Vitality Plan, visit vitality.drdarhawks.com for guidance.

Tune in to The Better Relationships Podcast, where I transform insights into actions and foster the growth of your love story, one episode at a time.

Transcript

>> Dr. Dar Hawks: 0:22

Welcome to episode 36 of the Better Relationship podcast. I'm Doctor Dar Hawks, the relationship healer, and today's topic is all about what makes a relationship successful. I'll also cover five overarching relationship skills that make a relationship successful. By now, you know that your romantic relationship can be the source of incredible joy and sorrow. As a relationship expert, I've spent years looking at the threads that actually create a successful partnership. So today I'm sharing insights into those essential elements that make a relationship not just survive, but thrive. The first one is being unselfish. When you love unselfishly, you put the needs and happiness of your partner as an equal metric or at par with your own. You don't prioritize yours over theirs or theirs over yours. You look at them, um, at par or evenly. You celebrate their successes as if they're your own and support your partner's problems, concerns and burdens as though you're experiencing them too. That shows deep empathy and understanding for what your partner's going through without a need to fix it or diving in to help them move forward to a more positive mindset. It's just about listening and supporting them. Putting yourself first does not mean you're being selfish. It does mean you're being unselfish. Because when you're at your best, you bring your best. Because when you're at your best, you bring your best self to your relationship by being a better partner in any given moment. The second one is connecting communication. Communication is the key to success in any relationship, to be honest. But not just any communication, it must be authentic, clear, concise, factual, neutral and transparent. Romantic partners can get their emotions all in a whirl, in a swirl, and then try to communicate from that point of view. And it usually doesn't go well. The results that partners want to get out of a conversation usually don't happen when there's an emotional upset or charge at play. So getting your thoughts clear, being fully transparent and authentic, writing out what you want to say, and cutting out things that are not really going to be helpful to you or produce the results you're looking for, as well as making your communication concise. Short, not long, where it takes minutes, 2030 minutes to communicate and for it to focus on the facts, not your story or your experience of it. Not saying that that's not important, it's just that when you're communicating for transformation in your relationship, it's really important to be very clear and concise and factual, and your story or experience of it adds, frankly, things that may not be factual partners who can openly share their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without getting into an emotional upset, raising their voice or changing their tone, or getting into a fear of judgment or being defensive build a foundation of trust that, frankly, is unshakable. Trust and recognition of, uh, triggers and the need to heal the triggers trust is built over time, and it's the glue that holds a relationship together. It's about recognizing and understanding each other's past triggers, strengths, and weaknesses. By being mindful of each other's sensitive areas, you can get clear about your own triggers. Own them, and not lash out at your partner when they get pushed. Because you understand that the trigger that got you upset is not your partner's accountability or fault, you'll better be able to manage your interactions with care and compassion. Avoiding unnecessary conflicts I find that things that upset us or created pain for us in past relationships that get triggered or that remind you that you get reminded of because of something your partner did or said, really does create a lot of conflict in relationships. So spending some time with a therapist or your coach, walking through the triggers and transforming them into strengths is of tremendous benefit, not just to you, but also to your partner. And you will release the pain that's stored in cellular memory so that when the memories show up again, you can simply acknowledge them and say, thank you. I no longer need this memory to protect me anymore. That's just an example of how it can happen going forward for you. The next one is fair negotiation of resources and responsibilities. Relationships truly do consist of a series of negotiations and compromises that started back when you were dating your partner. Whether it's time, attention, or finances, how you negotiate, the distribution of your resources and time, speaks volumes about the health of your personal relationship to time, negotiation skills, and the health of your relationship. Fairness and generosity, which goes back to really being factual in these negotiations, are indicative of a partnership that values co equality and respect. Being co equal partners equality is a myth to me in relationships because each partner is a unique person with unique needs, unique skills, strengths, and abilities. Being equal means the sameness as in the same amount of money, the same chores, the same products, the same resources, the same strengths, etcetera. But being co equal means being equal in rank in your relationship, and that allows space for individual differences. I feel like this search for equality in relationships and equality in gender, if you will, has really created unnecessary conflict in romantic relationships. Being a co equal partner allows room for negotiation and collaboration and celebration of where you notice disagreements or differences. Seeing yourself as a co equal partner brings a natural sense of empowerment to the relationship and reduces conflict, defensiveness and arguments. I hear couples often say they wish things could go back to the way they used to be and they get disappointed when they realize change happens. As we grow age and deal with the dynamics of day to day experiences, nothing really does stay the same. Which is why working towards and embracing becoming co equals helps couples grow together as change happens in their life together. Being flexible here is essential for having a healthy, successful relationship. Staying current, meaning being present in the now, not thinking or talking or discussing about discussing things that happened in the past that are triggers for you now, or not discussing things in the future. Unless it's a planning conversation focused about planning for your future, being in the now is really essential. So a successful relationship is dynamic. So adapting day to day staying current means being present and focusing on the present moment. A successful relationship is dynamic and adapting to day to day change and being flexible with each other when your minds change instead of getting upset and creating conflict is an advanced relationship skill. The good news is that most partners are already skilled at doing this at work or in their other relationships, but they don't bring that skill home. Partners who regularly assess their needs and the state of their relationship can make necessary adjustments real time to stay aligned with each other's needs, goals and dreams the pillars of a strong relationship there are pillars on which a healthy relationship can stand. These include being able to be yourself around your partner, being best friends, being a, uh, healthy, secure and happy partner, and having a shared vision for your future together. When these pillars are strong, the relationship is more likely to withstand the tests of time. I'll share my 15 pillars of a strong relationship that I use with my clients later on in this podcast. The bedrock of a healthy relationship a ah, healthy relationship does require constant care and feeding that is built on trust, dependability, realistic expectations, a ah, positive outlook using connecting and curious communication, deep caring, negotiating and compromising, and seeing the best in each other instead of fixating on all the problems and what's not working. When both partners are committed to nurturing these aspects, the relationship flourishes. I find when I work with couples, by the time they get to me, they're 100% focused on what's not working in the relationship. But when I start asking them questions about what is working, it's amazing what shows up. There's all this stuff that's really great about the relationship. It's just that their critical brain has fixated on the negativity and the negative aspects of the relationship. That they forget about all the things that are really good and healthy. A successful relationship is a harmonious blend of love, trust, respect, communication and collaboration. It's about two people coming together not to complete or compete, but to complement each other. It's a journey of shared growth, laughter and love between two people who are committed to each other's success and the success of their relationship. And building that together takes time. It takes conversation. It takes learning about each other's perspectives and then finding where you have common ground while allowing the individual differences. You don't have to agree with each other. You truly can disagree and do your own thing and find the commonality in the. In the areas that you do disagree and share those. Now I want to share the relationship success system that I've created for my work with couples. The relationship success system serves as a roadmap for couples seeking a harmonious and fulfilling relationship. It includes various elements that contribute to relationship well being. It is a comprehensive, practical framework designed by me to help you enhance and nurture your relationships. Let's explore each component at a high level. The sovereign relationship needs relationship mindsets and behaviors. 15 relationship competencies or pillars connecting and curious communication managing your energy with relational human design and the relationship vitality plan. I'll start with the five sovereign relationship needs. Understanding each other's unique needs is crucial. I emphasize that, ah. Identifying and honoring your individual needs and values within your relationship in the work that I do, and by doing so, you both, as a couple, can create a foundation of trust and mutual support. Understanding each other's sovereign relationship need and the one that is your weakness is really helpful so that you can start to understand each other and communicate in the language your partner needs, not in the language that you use. So an example would be sovereign relationship need of love and belonging needs. Loving language needs time to frame the conversation. For example, if you're about to say something critical and love and belonging isn't your relationship need, but it is your partner saying something like, I really appreciate you making me coffee in the morning. It's so helpful to me to get my day started. Can I ask you to add or do one thing slightly differently for me when you make my coffee? Whereas a, uh, power. Someone who has a power sovereign relationship need would say, thank you for the coffee. Can you add this, please? And so, to love and belonging. It can sound really curt and hurtful. So we have to learn how to speak each other's language from the perspective of the sovereign relationship needs. We each have to learn your sovereign relationship need and that of your partner. I invite you to go and take the quiz at needs dot drdarhawks.com. Next is the relationship mindsets and behaviors part of the relationship success system? You and your partner's thoughts, actions, behaviors, words, and gestures significantly impact your relationship and power dynamics. I encourage couples I work with to cultivate positive relationship mindsets and adopt healthy relationship behaviors that create connection. This includes learning empathy, active listening, emotional intelligence, how to say things without creating an upset or fight using the language of your partner through their sovereign relationship need and multiple intelligence skills. You can learn more about multiple intelligence skills by going to drdarhawks.com comma, click on the blog link and search for multiple intelligence. The third component or ingredient of the relationship success system are the 15 relationship competencies that I also call pillars. The 15 pillars are being m mindful and respectful of each other, appreciating and loving each other, balancing individuality with being a couple, valuing and appreciating each other, supporting each other, trusting each other and honoring each other's commitments as well as those of your own and giving your partner space to honor theirs, provide and have emotional safety, spiritual safety and financial security accepting and understanding each other practicing connecting communication skills creating common ground, creating intimate connection, creating harmony and healthy boundaries and creating time and space for romance, intimacy, and sex. So there's a lot that goes into these 15 relationship pillars and each one takes communication and conversation from the lens of your sovereign relationship. Need to determine what your needs are around each of the pillars and what your partner's needs are around each of the pillars. The fourth one is using connecting communication. Communication is really at the heart of any relationship. I coach my clients to embrace curiosity driven conversations and listening without any interruption, or listening without the need to share your own perspective. Just simply listening and seeking to understand your partner and their perspective and echoing that back to them. This approach actually creates deeper connection and minimizes misunderstandings because you're not interjecting your opinion or interjecting your interpretation or assumptions or reacting or getting defensive or being judgmental. You're just listening to your partner sharing. And that's a wonderful gift you can give them. When they're finished sharing, you can simply say, is there more you want to share about that? If they say no, then ask them, how can I support you in this right? They are a sovereign human being just like you are. And because you're both sovereign beings, you're entitled to your own thoughts and feelings and communicating those with you without the need to change it, without the need to disagree, without the need to criticize. You're just listening and inviting your partner to share more deeply with you and creating a deeper emotional connection. The fifth one is managing your energy with relational human design. Energy management is often overlooked but essential. I introduce principles from relational human design, and you can search for that on my website to learn more about it by clicking on services and then clicking on relational human design. By working with each couple's human design, I help them optimize their energy flow, manage their moods, understand their own decision making and communication barriers that can cause disconnection, and learn how to restore positive, healthy energy between each other. Understanding each other's energy patterns is what relational human design is, and it can lead to better alignment and balance. The last one is creating a relationship vitality plan. I encourage couples to create a personalized relationship vitality plan. This involves setting intentions, prioritizing self care, and nurturing the relationship intentionally, consciously and actively. I have created a framework that's practical that you can use to guide your conversations called the relationship vitality plan, and it includes all 15 relationship competencies or pillars, with space for you and your partner to identify and document what each of you would like the other to start, stop, or continue doing. It also includes space for agreements that you make to each other for each competency that you can use to check in on progress with each other each month or each quarter. I also include a, uh, section for appreciation and tracking balances in your emotional bank account. Because you're both making contributions or withdrawals from each other's emotional bank account. I talk more about what that is in the relationship vitality plan. The plan adapts as the relationship and your life evolves and is reviewed and updated if needed, at least twice a year. I think quarterly is great because it removes those upsets that happen day to day. You know, the little things that all of a sudden become big things, and then it results in a fight or saying something that's in a way that's unkind. It prevents that from happening because, you know, you have a structure and a schedule to focus on the relationship and talk about how things are going. Reviewing your vitality plan more frequently on your own can also serve as a relationship health check in to help you clarify where you're feeling disconnected or where you feel there's an issue that might need to be addressed. And then you can just jot notes of it, jot notes of the example to remind you. And then when you have your scheduled, prescheduled relationship vitality plan meeting with your partner, you can address it. Then that takes the emotional heat out of you and the pressure day to day. Because you'll know what to say and you'll know what to ask for to restore harmony in that area of your relationship vitality plan. And if you don't have a meeting schedule, schedule one because it creates the container to talk about your relationship during that meeting time instead of just blurting it out when it bothers you or when it's become something too big that you just explode. It's unfair to you and it's unfair to your partner to manage your emotions and manage your day to day. Uh, upsets that way. Relationships do require ongoing effort and commitment. My relationship success system provides valuable tools to navigate challenges, build healthy communication skills, deepen your connections, and create lasting love. To get started on building your relationship success and vitality plan, I invite you to book a coaching session with me today. You can do that by going to huddle. Um, and if you're not quite ready for a coaching session and instead are more interested in a DIY tool, you can get the better relationships toolkit, which will walk you through the best of my coaching tools and techniques to get started right away. And if you want to dive into the relationship vitality plan now, you can do that as well. Those links are Toolkit dot drdarhawks.com and vitality dot drdarhawks.com. And if at any time you find you'd like some support or some guidance to set up the conversation for you, for you and your partner, contact me and let's connect. That's all for now. I look forward to connecting with you in the next podcast, or via a coaching session, or through the toolkit, or as you build your relationship vitality plan for yourself and for your partner.