Ep38 How Do You Know It's Time for a Divorce?

In episode 38 of the Better Relationships Podcast, Dr. Dar, the relationship healer, tackles the sensitive and critical topic of discerning when it’s time to consider divorce. With compassion and expertise, Dr. Dar unpacks the top ten indicators that may signal the end of a marriage, drawing from personal insights, research, and real-life examples.

From the persistent inkling that you’ve married the wrong person to the emotional exhaustion of constant conflict, this episode delves into the heart-wrenching signs that a relationship may be beyond repair. Dr. Dar discusses the toll of disrespect on emotional intimacy and the destructive patterns of communication that renowned experts like Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. John Gottman warn against.

The conversation also shines a light on the various forms of infidelity, including emotional, financial, and dishonest infidelity, and how these betrayals can erode the foundations of trust and safety in a marriage. Dr. Dar emphasizes the importance of defining cheating boundaries early in a relationship and the potential long-term emotional scars of infidelity.

As you navigate these difficult waters, Dr. Dar guides you through the Five Sovereign Relationship Needs—love and belonging, freedom, fun, power, and safety and survival—and how they play a pivotal role in assessing the health of your marriage. Whether it's rediscovering the joy that brought you together or addressing power imbalances, understanding these needs can offer clarity and direction.

This episode doesn't just highlight problems; it offers pathways to support, whether that’s through professional coaching, therapy, or taking the Sovereign Relationship Needs quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com. Dr. Dar provides a compassionate approach to either rebuilding your relationship or parting ways with grace and understanding.

Before making any life-altering decisions, tune in to The Better Relationships Podcast for an episode that offers not just a mirror to reflect on your marriage but a map to guide you towards a healthier, happier future, whatever that may hold.

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Transcript

>> Dr. Dar Hawks: 0:22

Welcome to episode 38 of the Better Relationships podcast. I'm, Doctor Darr, the relationship healer, and today's topic is the top ten ways for how to know it's time for a divorce. By now, you've had a few compelling, even convincing reasons. You've stayed as long as you have, but you're now at your wit's end. Your health is being affected, you're not sleeping as well as you used to, and you just do what you can to make it through the day in the best way you were able to. Ending a marriage is not an easy choice, but even if there's still love there, there are certain signs that indicate it might be the right path for you. Let's explore these ten signs and discuss how to recognize when it's time for a divorce, drawing insights from both research and real life examples. Number one, you had an inkling leading up to the wedding day, even as you stood right next to your soon to be husband, that maybe this was not the right person for you. But you went ahead with it anyway. And that inkling has popped up throughout your marriage, but you just dismissed it. Maybe you did not want to disappoint family or friends, hurt anyone's feelings, are embarrassed that you could not make it work, feel ashamed that you went through with it, or because being in a relationship is just what you're supposed to do. Number two, being in this relationship is just too hard. Everything is an ordeal, with disagreements, bickering, raised voices, or criticisms. You are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. You're not able to recharge, and you just wake up every day tired. The layers of stress in the relationship is taking a toll on your health and well being. Number three, you're not able to find the good in your partner or in this relationship anymore. In fact, when you first got together, you knew there were things that didn't feel right, but you thought that being in the relationship was better than not being in one, and that, those things that didn't feel right would just work themselves out. Still, you remember the times you used to look at him with googly eyes, but lately you can't even stomach looking at him with love, loving admiration. And he's not exactly been romantic loving or into you either. Number three, you realize that you both work really well together and just click when doing fun things together or planning and going on vacation. But as soon as you get back home into the day to day grind, things between you get rocky and tense again. Number four, you have a pattern of arguing or fighting just to have the makeup sex that brings you closer for a day or two. The chemistry in the bedroom is sensational. So staying in the relationship because of the sensual connection makes staying, for now, worthwhile because you falsely think that this pattern is creating a connection between you and your partner. Number five. Your partner disrespects your views on things like human and women's rights, your core values, or other situations and experiences involving family or lifestyles. It's possible that your partner tends to see you as property and may lean politically and socially towards male power, or you're incompatible when it comes to your values or lifestyle needs and choices. Work situations and professional, aspirations can also cause disrespect in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is crucial for a thriving marriage. When partners become disrespectful as normal behavior, it's natural to emotionally and mentally disengage. Doctor Sue Johnson, a leading expert in couples therapy, emphasizes the significance of emotional responsiveness in maintaining a secure and safe relationship. If you find yourself feeling emotionally detached from your spouse and efforts to reconnect just don't work. No matter what you do to keep the peace, it may be time to reassess your relationship. Number six. When you both communicate, it usually does not create connection, a sense of safety, or even a feeling of being supported or accepted. This builds layers of misunderstandings, resentments, and emotional distance. Doctor John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, has extensively studied m marital dynamics and identifies contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling as signals of a troubled marriage. I would add to that gaslighting. If these communication related behaviors persist, you may want to seek professional help or considering divorce may be the healthy choice for your well being. Every relationship does encounter some conflicts at some point in time, but the real key is in how you both handle and resolve them. If your conflicts escalate into recurring and unresolved issues, it can create a toxic environment where you feel like you're walking on eggshells around each other and doing what you can to, avoid a reaction or something worse. The American Psychological association emphasizes the importance of giving and receiving open and honest communication in maintaining a strong marital connection. If attempts to communicate fail repeatedly, it can indicate the relationship is no longer sustainable. Number seven, betrayal or infidelity. Infidelity is a devastating breach of trust and safety that absolutely shatters the hard built foundations of your healthy, happy relationship. Infidelity is not just about cheating with someone else. It includes emotional and financial infidelity, plus varying degrees of what cheating is and is not. Couples who don't define infidelity and cheating and lying boundaries early on and align on what commitments they are making to each other related to various forms of infidelity can find open windows in their relationships to cheat or lie. While some couples can and do overcome the infidelity challenges with considerable coaching, therapy, learning, connecting, communication, building trust restoration skills, and making changes to relationship mindsets and behaviors, other couples may find it irreparable and choose walking away instead. The American association for Marriage and Family Therapy acknowledges that infidelity can lead to the breakdown of a relationship, especially if the betrayed partner cannot rebuild trust, stays angry, and is unable to stop looking for evidence of the partner continuing their untrustworthy behaviors. As I stated earlier, infidelity is not just about having affairs or having sex with someone other than your partner. Financial infidelity and incompatibility occurs when couples with combined or separate finances lie to each other about money. It's like keeping a secret financial life separate from your partner. It also occurs when couples have different spending and saving goals and habits. While I recognize that women have been underserved in the financial world or domain of knowledge and expertise, and finances can tend to be used as a way to control or constrain women, I do think that there's some ancestral, influence in women having to hide money or save it. when going shopping on a budget and having extra money left over, but hiding it and saying there was nothing, left over, it's important to be aware of that and see if there are ways that you can surface that and be transparent with your partner. Because really, there's another need happening in that scenario of needing your own nest egg that's solely yours that you can rely on or to spend how you wish. Here are some examples of financial infidelity. Hidden debts one partner may have significant debts that they keep hidden in a separate account, leaving the other partner unaware. However, that other partner, from a debt perspective, can be held responsible for those debts if they're not paid. Excessive expenditures imagine your partner making a large discretionary purchase, like buying a new car without discussing it with you. That's a big deal. Lying about money use this can involve hiding income, secret shopping sprees, or unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts. And all of that just destroys trust as a foundation in the relationship. Here are some signs of financial infidelity. Repeated arguments where couples argue about money constantly, but they don't have a budget, and they don't have a structured way to meet and talk about money, which exacerbates the arguing detachment. This is when emotional connection fades and not talking about money leads to detaching from the situation. However, what happens in that situation is giving up financial power or even relationship power or self empowerment. When it comes to money, there's also a pursuer distance pattern where one of you seeks intimacy but the other seeks avoidance or distance. Secrets and lack of transparency includes hidden debt and undisclosed spending or honestly buying things and hiding them, and then all of a sudden pulling them out every now and then in a way that your partner doesn't notice them. Defensiveness this involves avoiding discussions about money and just not wanting to be involved in any form, fashion or topic or role or chore when it comes to managing money. Emotional and mental infidelity refers to a non sexual relationship that involves a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding. As a romantic relationship. It usually starts innocently as a friendship, but it can gradually evolve into something more emotionally intimate. I also find that when one partner has an emotionally connected friendship or is starting to become that way, and the other party becomes other partner becomes jealous, envious or angry, and starts putting ultimatums in the relationship, that can also exacerbate or make the emotional infidelity worse. Here are some signs and examples of emotional infidelity. Frequent contact emotional affairs involve a great deal of time and contact with the other person. This includes spending time together in person, texting or phone calls, and maintaining frequent communication even when you're apart. For example, you might find yourself texting, email, or video calling this person several times a day, daily, or even three or four times a week. But you're also doing that at the expense of your partner while neglecting them and your obligations related to your partner. You also might be hiding communication if you're secretive about your phone, hide direct messages, or avoid sharing details of online conversations that could too also be a sign of emotional infidelity. Sharing your deepest feelings emotional cheaters may prefer to share their deepest, darkest feelings with someone online rather than with their partner in person. They might assume their partner would be upset if they knew the content of the chats, comments, or direct messages. In this situation, I find that couples that are not open minded and open hearted to really just listen to their partner and their needs and desires and aspirations, and instead put in boundaries or say no, or put in ultimatums that that restrain or constrain their partner without having an open dialogue. To be curious about it and find common ground where your partner's aspirations can and needs can get somewhat, satisfied without the need for infidelity really does help keep the relationship on a healthy path. Spending more time with the other person. If you find yourself, your partner, spending more time with someone other than you, that could be a sign of emotional infidelity. Also, sharing personal information with that person that you haven't shared with your partner is another indicator. Inappropriate intimacy, which involves conversations that are inappropriately intimate, familiar, or frequent with someone other than you. And also conversations about personal things about your relationship with your partner, or things about you that are critical in nature, is inappropriate as well. Having hidden connections. Emotional affairs are often hidden, making them more difficult to detect. And I find that emotional affairs, or just affairs in general, couples or individuals who have them are secretly thinking that if I have this affair, then it'll just deal with the problems in the relationship and I won't have to, do the hard work or have the hard conversations. But what really happens is things get worse, things get uglier and nastier than actually fessing up to begin with, that you're unhappy in the relationship and want to make some changes. Trust and integrity. Assessing your partner's character and trustworthiness is essential, as well as your own. Look at their loyalty to friends, family, and their past history of fidelity. It's really important to look for patterns there well before you decide to get married. And as you continue in your relationship, also take into consideration the long term effects. Emotional infidelity can leave lasting emotional scars, including feelings of insecurity, jealousy, reduced self worth, and difficulty trusting others. So it's vital for couples to recognize and address emotional infidelity so that they can maintain a healthy relationship. Emotional affairs also can have a significant impact on your primary relationship, so it's important to recognize these signs early to address potential issues. The first one is dishonest infidelity. It refers to deceptive behavior within your relationship. That Undermines trust and authenticity. It involves hiding information, telling half truths, manipulating facts, withholding information, and when asked point blank a question, flat out lying about it. Here are some ways in which dishonesty can harm relationships. It can block intimacy. Dishonesty prevents true intimacy with your partner. Authentic connections are built on trust, vulnerability, and emotional openness. When secrets and lies exist, genuine intimacy becomes elusive. Also, when there are lies or dishonesty, most of the time your partner can tell they have a gut feel, and the person doing the lying or withholding has a tell as well. So no matter how well you think you're hiding it, eventually it's going to come out. And when it does, it's not going to be a as pleasant as it could be if you were to come clean right away. Covering up lies. Dishonesty often leaves to a web of COVID up lies and omissions that are layered and layered and layered. They accumulate over time, and it makes it harder to reveal a truth, but also to keep up with the lie. When the secret does come to the surface, it can be more hurtful than the initial deception, guilt, and discomfort. The person holding the secret could feel guilty or uncomfortable during intimate moments with their partner. They then may unconsciously avoid closeness, important conversations, or even provoke arguments to create distance. Honesty is absolutely essential for maintaining healthy relationships. But as partners, we also have to create the space for our partners to be able to be honest and open without us getting upset, reacting, or telling them no, you can't do that, or judging them, criticizing them. And if that does happen, they may unconsciously avoid closeness, those important conversations, and again, provoke arguments. Honesty, like I said, is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. So being open, being transparent, and working actively moment to moment to build trust and emotional connection will go a long way to keep your relationship on a happier and healthier path. Now, I want to talk about the fact that couples define infidelity in different ways. But I also find that when couples first get together, and even after they decide to get married, it's hard to have a conversation about what cheating is or isn't or what infidelity is or isn't, so that you both can really understand each other's thoughts and opinions about it. And then create agreements to satisfy your needs as a couple and as individuals. For example, Gina and Dave did not think a small peck on the cheek or lips to say hello or goodbye to their dear friends is cheating. But Della and Mark agree that kissing on the lips with any other person than each other is absolutely a deal breaker. Jen and Joe agreed that flirting with a server at a restaurant when they go there for a meal is not a form of cheating. But Hannah and Robert, and definitely Hannah does. most couples don't have conversations, as I, as I mentioned earlier, to define what infidelity is and is not to them, or nor do they make agreements with each other about the deal breakers associated with infidelity or the consequences that should it happen early in their relationship or at any point in their relationship. I believe if more couples that then they would have clear agreements and boundaries defined early that they can then review periodically and check in on to see if any changes are needed as their relationship grows over time. Let's now explore these signs of how to know whether it's time for a divorce through the lens of the five sovereign relationship needs that everyone has one the love and belonging sovereign relationship need the heart of the matter at the core of every marriage is the need for love and belonging. It's that warm, fuzzy feeling of being cherished, accepted, important, supported, and feeling deeply connected with your partner. Love and belonging truly is the heart of the relationship. Without love, belonging, support, appreciation, the relationship just won't be sustainable. So when love and belonging diminishes, for whatever reason or for however long, you will find you're drifting apart, emotional distance builds farther and wider, and that deep sense of belonging starts to fade away. If those moments of connection are becoming scarce, it's time to take a closer look. Before I go into the next sovereign relationship need, I invite you to take the sovereign relationship needs quiz to learn about your primary and secondary relationship need that drives the healthy happiness and harmony for you and your relationship. You can do that by going to needs. Dot drdarhawks.com the freedom sovereign relationship need is about balancing independence with togetherness. freedom in a relationship doesn't mean you can continue to behave like you're single when you are in a romantic relationship. It's about maintaining your individuality while navigating being together as a couple. This takes dialogue to learn about each other's values, perspectives, goals, aspirations, and wants. Unresolved conflicts can feel like chains, restricting your freedom to express yourself openly as well. If you're feeling consistently stifled or like your voice isn't being heard or valued, it's a sign that something does need to change. The fun sovereign relationship need a place where laughter, light heartedness and connection flourish. Remember those days when laughter came easily and you felt a sense of joy just being near your partner? This need for fun and lightheartedness is essential. If laughter has been replaced by tension and routine, it's a sign that the element of fun has taken a backseat due to the busyness or routines of your life. It may just be time to rediscover the joy that initially brought you together in the first place. The power sovereign relationship need is about finding balance as individuals in partnership, power dynamics play a subtle but crucial role in relationships. A lot has been written about power dynamics. Couples can have difficulty learning a relationship is not about controlling each other, but more about finding a balance where you both feel heard and respected can honor your individual hobbies, goals and aspirations, and support each other in them, while also creating and having together time and things that you do together, but also shared goals, aspirations as well. Infidelity is one of the ultimate breaches of trust, and it can tip the power dynamic dramatically. Also, if power or control struggles become a recurrent theme in your relationship, threatening the equilibrium of it, it's a red flag that needs immediate attention. The safety and survival sovereign relationship need is truly the bedrock of trust. Feeling safe and secure in your relationship to me is non negotiable. When continuous unhappiness becomes the norm in your relationship, it's a sign that your foundational safety and survival need is not being met. The American association for Marriage and Family Therapy recognizes infidelity as a severe breach of trust, jeopardizing the very foundation of, safety. If your emotional, mental, physical, or financial safety is unraveling, it's time to evaluate the present and future of your partnership. Recognizing when it's time for a divorce is deeply personal and often a challenging process. It requires honest self reflection, open communication between partners, and support through professional coaching or therapy. Oftentimes when couples think of the D word at first as individuals separately, they often don't act on it. To me, the first time one partner or the other partner even has a fleeting thought about divorce, that's the time to start addressing it. And that's the time to start improving your relationship and working with a marriage and relationship coach that can help you build skills to bring more health and more happiness and more harmony back into your relationship. Before you go down the path of pursuing divorce. Sometimes it's years later from the time you actually had the first thought, and so you would have time to restore things and create the space to amicably separate if that's what you both choose to do, instead of waiting till things get so bad that they have to get nasty or ugly or create trauma in the process. Here are some examples of how each of the five sovereign relationship needs can manifest in the context of a marriage that could be headed towards divorce, love, and belonging as a sovereign relationship need, Jane and Mark used to share their dreams, fears, and joys openly. Over time, being busy and after children, their communication dwindled. They started feeling like strangers living under the same roof, missing those deep emotional connections that once defined their relationship. The need for love and belonging was no longer met, leading to a sense of isolation and detachment. The freedom, sovereign relationship need Tom and Sarah found themselves in constant disagreement. Every decision, big or small, became a battleground. Sarah felt her opinions were constantly dismissed, leaving her with a stifling sense of frustration. Her need for freedom and the ability to express herself without fear of judgment. Being yelled at or being shut down was compromised, leading to a strained relationship dynamic the sovereign relationship need of fun David and Emily, once known for their infectious laughter and playful nature, noticed a shift in their interactions. The routine of daily life and stress overshadowed the fun they used to have together. Date nights turned into predictable routines and the joyous spontaneity that fueled their connection faded away. Their need for fun and joy became neglected, contributing to a dull and uninspiring relationship. They got bored with each other. The power sovereign relationship need Chris and Alex struggled with power dynamics. Alex's demanding job often took precedence over family decisions, leaving Chris feeling marginalized. The lack of equal input in decision making and a sense of shared responsibility led to an imbalance in power. The need for a balanced partnership, where both partners felt felt empowered and respected was not being met, causing a serious strain in their relationship. The safety and survival sovereign relationship need Maria discovered her partner, Mike, had been unfaithful. This breach of trust shattered the safety and survival foundation of their relationship. The emotional security that once held them together was replaced by betrayal, leading Maria to question the very core of their connection. The need for trust and safety became compromised, creating an environment of uncertainty and emotional distress. Understanding these examples through the lens of the five sovereign relationship needs can help you, identify specific areas in your marriage that might need some attention now and potentially guide you forward in making informed decisions about the present and future of your relationship. Having those conversations or working with a marriage and relationship coach can also help bring you some understanding, clarity and certainty in the midst of intense uncertainty you have about your partner and your future with them. if you find yourself identifying with the signs I've discussed here and the sovereign relationship needs, it may be beneficial to seek professional guidance from me. The decision to divorce is a complex one, especially for part partners who are relationship oriented, who lean more towards love and belonging. As a sovereign relationship need seeking support is a strength. It's not a weakness. You don't have to do this alone. You don't have to talk to friends and family and feel embarrassed by having to do it. You truly could work with a third party who's professionally trained and you don't have to worry about people knowing your business. It's a safe place for you to sort through your feelings, shift from uncertainty to certainty, and learn some skills to help your relationship in the process, while also building an exit plan and strategy that you can take step by step, along with communication tools and techniques and even a script for you to have the dialogue with your partner. Some coaches will even facilitate the conversation with you and your partner, your primary, secondary and shadow relationship needs create a personalized map of your emotional well being in your relationship. Knowing your needs can be a game changer, especially if you find yourself uncertain about your relationship. Understanding your priorities by identifying your primary relationship need, you gain insight into what's most beneficial for your emotional fulfillment. Whether it's love and belonging, freedom, fun, power, or safety and survival. Recognizing your top priority need empowers you to communicate your needs effectively and to have dialogues with your partner if each of your needs are unique and different and find ways to support each other in getting them met. Navigating challenges discovering your secondary sovereign relationship need provides a nuanced perspective. Perhaps you value freedom, but security and safety is a close second. Understanding that interplay will help you navigate challenges with a clearer understanding of your own priorities and those of your partner. Shadow needs uncovering your shadow need is like shining a light on the hidden corners of your relationship. These are needs that, when unmet, might negatively influence your reactions and behaviors. Acknowledging them brings a new level of self awareness and allows you and your partner to have some intentional healing. Here's how the five sovereign relationship needs can guide you through rebuilding your relationship or help you on the path to divorce. Whether you're on a journey to rebuild your relationship or contemplating a separation, knowing your five sovereign relationship needs in priority can bring you that clarity and a lot of insights. They can help you rebuild your relationship. Armed with the knowledge of each other's primary, secondary, and shadow needs, couples can tailor their efforts to meet these needs and work on their relationship to create it to be more healthy and happier. This targeted approach enhances communication, creates understanding, and paves the way for you to rebuild a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. The five sovereign relationship needs can help you navigate divorce with ease, or shall I say, with more ease. If your path leads to separation, understanding your needs can make your divorce process smoother. It allows for a more amicable, and respectful negotiation, helping both of you prioritize your essential requirements and needs. That self awareness can minimize potential conflicts, facilitating a more graceful transition. I invite you to take the sovereign relationship needs quiz today at needs dot drdarhawks.com. And you may also want to take my healthy relationship quiz to help you narrow down exactly and specifically where your relationship is faltering and to be a little bit more certain about where the issues truly are. And you can take that free quiz at couplesquiz dot drdarhawks.com. Once you're armed with this knowledge, you'll be better equipped to navigate the complexities of your relationship and, if needed, approach the process of divorce with clarity, calm, empathy and grace. Or maybe you'll find that you and your partner want to get want to give each other another chance while actively working on your relationship habits, conversation skills, and adjust detrimental behaviors that you both might be having. Your relationship does deserve the care and attention that comes with understanding recognizing when it's time for a divorce is a journey through the web of your five sovereign relationship needs. It's about acknowledging that, just like any other living entity, relationships do evolve. If you're finding yourself out at an uncertain crossroad, feeling lost and uncertain about your relationship, please know I am here for you with professional guidance, open hearted dialogue, compassionate listening. Through my marriage coaching, you will find peace and clarity about your next steps and path forward. You also will recognize that you're not wrong here. There might be some relationship mindsets and behaviors and communication techniques that are creating conflict and distance, but at the end of the day, that doesn't make you a bad person or wrong. Your happiness truly does matter to me, and understanding your needs is your roadmap to rediscovering the love, connection and fulfillment you not only want, but also deserve. Book a coaching session with me to gain more certainty about your relationship, what the path forward can look like, and feel better about yourself in the process. You can book a coaching session with me at huddle drdarhawks.com and I look forward to seeing you there.