People Pleasing VS. Codependency In The Workplace: Recognizing Signs And What To Do About It

Co-dependency is having a moment. You’ve probably heard of co-dependency from social media, or perhaps you’ve heard of support groups that help people with co-dependency. People with codependency at work often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided and emotionally destructive. This behavior is not new. It’s been in the workplace probably as long as we’ve had workplaces and relationships. 

I’ve spent over 25 years working with people and these types of support groups and in this episode I discuss: 

• Understanding the Core of Co-dependency
• Recognizing the Continuum: From Being Nice to Codependency
• The Dance of the Giver and the Taker
• Tips for What to Do if You Find Yourself in These Roles 

Show Notes:
 
Learn more about Codependency: Codependent No More: Melanie Beattie
The Career Refresh Episode 39: People Pleasing and the Misuse of Your Strengths
Codependents Anonymous, CoDA.org
Al-Anon Family Groups

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:47

Hi friends, it's Jill Griffin, the host of the Career Refresh podcast, and I welcome you back to the show this week. I am talking about codependency versus people-pleasing versus kindness. There's been a lot of talk recently around codependency in social media, or perhaps you've heard of support groups that may help people with codependency, and I've spent over 25 years working with people in these types of support groups that may help people with codependency, and I've spent over 25 years working with people in these types of support groups. At the core it's an imbalance or a dysfunctional relationship.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Codespendency is learned behavior and codependency, when it happens in the workplace, it often forms or maintains relationships that are one-sided or potentially emotionally destructive and really toxic for the workplace. This behavior is not new. While it's getting a lot of attention lately, it has been in the workplace as long as we've had workplaces and it's been within relationships as long as we've been tracking relationships. It manifests itself in unhealthy relationships in which one individual excessively relies or supports another. Creating this dynamic that in the workplace can really stifle creativity. It shuts down executive functioning, executive decision-making. It kind of just starts to feel like I don't know. It feels thick to me. It feels like thick and toxic and this could involve a relationship between two colleagues. It could also be an employee with a dominant boss or manager, and it presents challenges because it affects how team members can reach their ultimate productivity potential and also contribute to the work at hand. Right, offering creative solutions and insights. It also bottlenecks and inhibits productivity. It erodes well-being and it really does have a detrimental impact on the overall morale.

Speaker 1: 2:43

So think of it as a continuum. Right, if you have being nice and I put that in quotes on the left, you have people pleasing in the middle and then you have codependency all the way on the right, and here's what this might look like. Being nice is about doing something for someone out of a place of generosity. It feels good to give. There's no commitments attached. You may volunteer or help out at a local charity right, that's being generous and nice. You may work with a mentor. You may mentor a recent college grad, and that I also would put under the umbrella of like being nice. Right, you're not doing it for any real exchange other than it feels good and it feels nice to give back.

Speaker 1: 3:30

People pleasing right in the center of the continuum starts to get a little tricky. It's because it's usually done with ulterior motives. It's doing something because you want something in return. You want an exchange and you have to accept that the barter of the exchange is in your head, because very often you didn't have a conversation, that the barter of the exchange is in your head Because very often you didn't have a conversation with the other person, no one agreed to the exchange. You're just thinking, well, if I do this for them, then we'll become tighter colleagues at work or we'll be able to rely on each other more, and that might be. But if that exchange is all self-created, then it's in your head and you're doing something with the ulterior motive expecting something in exchange. And I see this a lot.

Speaker 1: 4:18

When people try to do things that I would put down as like extra and this might be the extra thing they do because they want to get in good with their boss Again, this is borderline being nice. But it's also because they're doing it because they want to get in good with their boss Again, this is borderline being nice. But it's also because they're doing it because they want to get promoted by the end of the quarter. Right, that's the people-pleasing. When people fall into people-pleasing, it's because they want to be accepted, liked. It may be because they want to escape feeling guilty. It might be because, again, they want to get something like status, a promotion, get access. And we think about it in a way that they're doing something to control the action of others. And I've said this before. If you're a listener for a while, you've heard me say that people-pleasing is a lie, because I'm not being my authentic self. I'm doing something because I'm kind of conniving and manipulating and trying to figure out how do I get you to do something where, alternatively, you could just ask the person to do the thing, but you're doing it and it's veiled in this like sneaky people pleasing. So here's the way people pleasing might show up for you.

Speaker 1: 5:29

You try to be proactive and anticipate others' needs. You try to read their minds. You think through what you think they might want to hear. You say what they might want to hear. You anticipate their reaction and what you might say. You tend to think about trying to solve problems for all these impossible variables. So it's like you want to do enough, but not too much. You want to be strong but not too strong. You definitely want to be outgoing and friendly, but not overbearing, and you know you're going to be firm, but you don't want to alienate others. So all of this is leaking out of you and the problem here is burnout. You exhaust yourself because you're trying to become a mind reader and you also are doing this where you're not necessarily responding to specific asks or directions. So I assure you my friends, I assure you your boss, your colleagues, they don't exactly know what to get from you because they're like, they're weird, right. It starts to ruin your credibility because something's up with you, there's an inconsistency, and it just creates a environment where, most of the time, people are annoyed with you because they're like what are you up to now, right? Most of the time, people are annoyed with you because they're like what are you up to now, right?

Speaker 1: 6:48

The next in the continuum is where it goes from there, and this is codependency. So when people pleasing escalates to codependency, this is the desire to please transforms into a craving to be indispensable to someone else. There's a delicate dance between the giver and the taker. And look, you can do some researching around. I'm going to put some recommendations of things to read, if you're interested, in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 7:19

But it really came from the idea of the person who had a dependency on a substance like alcohol or drugs, and then the person who was around them that was constantly trying to cover up for them but also doing for them, but getting mad from them, right? That's originally where the work around codependency and being codependent started, and you can understand if you're in that kind of environment. It's really volatile. You don't necessarily know what you're getting, so you're tiptoeing around, you're trying to please the person who maybe is the person who has the dominant control, right, and that's again where it all came from. So there's this delicate dance between the giver and the taker.

Speaker 1: 7:59

So the giver, or the primary codependent, is driven by this insatiable need to please, to support. They want to find their self-worth, so they're constantly catering to the taker's demands. It's a level of like over-functioning and you don't trust that the receiver right or the taker will do what you say. So you start to control everything, because everything is always uncertain for you and the giver may be driven by fears of getting fired. It could be the run-of-the-mill fears like, oh, I won't be important or I won't be needed or I won't be a key player. And you start going down the rabbit hole of despair because you're like, well, what's going to happen, then you need to be needed and that's where you gain your self-worth.

Speaker 1: 8:45

So some key words and phrases around the codependent are controlling, denial, obsessive, passive-aggressive, low self-worth they sort of lack. They don't trust people and they therefore can't be trusted again because their own credibility is shaking. But they're always changing based on what they think and they're trying to predict someone might need. And there's also a lot of anger there. And when you think about like behaviors that show up in a codependent relationship, it's also going to involve, you know, the giver. They really say yes when they want to say no, as I mentioned, similar to the codependent I mean, excuse me, as I mentioned, similar to the people pleaser. They try to anticipate the needs of others. But then the difference is they wonder why people don't do the same for them. Right? That's where they start to get that angry, that ick, that passive, aggressive behavior.

Speaker 1: 9:40

They feel safest when they're giving, because then it's about control. They feel insecure when someone does for them because it's like uh-oh, what's this person want? Because they're constantly operating from a place of ulterior motives, knowing that they only do things for things. In return, they feel sad because so much of what they do is about doing and giving to everybody else, but they think no one does it to them. No one gives that back in return.

Speaker 1: 10:06

They tend to abandon their work and their regular professional routines to help or respond to someone else. Their own projects and time management get put on hold because within the power struggle they'll look to see who else needs the support so they'll do it for them. They may get depressed by the lack of praise or compliments. They fear rejection or firing, as I said, to the point of being like tense, aggressive, controlling. They take things personally. Everything is about them. If they leave the conference room or they leave the meeting and they come back in and they hear people talking, they are like wait, why are you talking about me? That's what they're thinking. Like what did I miss? They must be talking about me and they have artificial feelings of self-worth because they've helped others. It kind of like boosts their own sense of self-worth, but it's totally artificial.

Speaker 1: 10:58

They're usually workaholics and they pursue peace at all costs because they also want to make sure that in their behavior they want to control and make sure everybody is calm, especially the person they're doing this for. They're always asking for permission and they're often always apologizing. So in its extreme, they may cover and justify for the person in power, and this could look like covering up for, like, an unfortunate client meeting. It can also look like lying on an expense report right, they're doing it at any cost and, conversely, the taker is fueled by insecurities. They need to feel important, they are craving for validation, they are eagerly absorbing the attention and the assistance of the giver, right, so codependency only works because it's the co in the dependent. It has to be two people to tango. So if they're often thinking things like well, heck, if this person wants to do this for me, I'll be happy to let them take on this, as long as I take the credit for it. Right, so they'll be thinking well, then you better keep doing this for me, because I need you to keep supporting me so I continue to look good.

Speaker 1: 12:06

There's also a little bit of like learned helplessness in here. So where codependency involves this excessive reliance on another individual, there's that emotional or physical support. The learned helplessness is more of a condition in which the person becomes kind of passive and helpless due to a belief that someone else is going to take it on or a belief that they have no control right. It could be either way. So I've seen this play out in which the giver or the codependent is managing all the technology and the person who they're doing this for sort of has this learned helplessness? Because even though they've been trained, they don't really know how to use Slack or email or some of the basic systems, even though they've been shown a dozen times. But they'll blame that there was a system issue or doubt as to why they can't do that. I mean, back in the day, this used to be the boss who needed all of their emails printed out so they would handwrite responses and then their assistance type responses, and I assure you that was not a one-off, that was happening in rampant ways, seeing that like there might be some work to be done, that's kind of challenging or hard and it requires learning something or doing some discovery work. And this is another area in which the person in the dominant position might expect the giver to do it for them because, again, they don't have to do it and then they don't learn it right. That's the learned helplessness. Okay, so I've painted a picture here.

Speaker 1: 13:36

So what do you do if you see yourself in this role or you are witnessing this play out and it's impacting the team's productivity and morale. All right, so here's a little bit of homework. One if this is you in some capacity, I want you to think about boundaries. This is about being intentional. First ask yourself because you can do it, should you? Are you the right person or the best person? And I know you want to do it, maybe because you want the perceived reward. But again, let's pause and see are you really the best person for it? Right? So that's the first question I'd have you ask yourself. Are you really the best person for it? Right? So that's the first question I'd have you ask yourself.

Speaker 1: 14:18

The second thing is I want you to think about what are your preferences? How do you want to work? How do you want to collaborate with your boss and peers? Because I know, if you're in this position, my gosh, you must be so exhausted, it is so tiring, holding sort of the weight of the entire workplace, or you think it's the weight of your workplace that you're holding on your shoulders. So how do you want to work with your boss and peers? What does that look like for you? And then, what are your limits? What are you willing to do around helping others, around getting it done, around, going above and beyond right, that's that over-functioning. What are you willing to do? But then also you need to be clear in what, when, how much. You need to be clear in that frequency. What does it look like? What are the scenarios you do? This is how you start to relearn new behavior.

Speaker 1: 15:06

And then I want you to think about what are your deal breakers. Are there unacceptable behaviors? Or asked if someone's asking you to, you know, lie or smudge or imply that shadiness around an expense report like right, you start to get into a little bit of trouble there. So what are the deal breakers for you? And then I want you to practice decision-making in small bites. Right, this is both for the people-pleasing and the codependency and getting your voice back right and figuring out what the boundaries are. Because you're saying yes and doing everything, there's the implied idea that you're not able to say no with ease, or it feels icky or hard. So I want you to practice decision-making in small bites and this could look up as simple as I want you to start articulating your voice or your opinion on feedback on things, or anything from like where are we ordering in lunch to how do we approach the deliverable that we're sending in for a client and really put your voice there and not wait for others to tell you necessarily what to do. And then, depending on how it shows up for you, getting help from a coach or a therapist would be very helpful to you. And then, on how it shows up for you, getting help from a coach or a therapist would be very helpful to you.

Speaker 1: 16:20

And then you know there's so much give and take and nuance that often happens within the giver and the receiver within the codependency relationship, that the players here have many self-generated stories in their heads. Right, one person changes the rules or behaves differently and then there can be like a toxic cycle that starts the tension, the miscommunication, the sketchiness, the caginess on things. So when everyone starts to avoid the players, this is going to have an impact on the team's goals and professional growth. So you, as a leader, if you're watching this play out and it's impacting productivity, here's what you can consider doing. One, you have to stick to the facts. There cannot be story, there cannot be opinions. You need to show how it's impacting others.

Speaker 1: 17:09

So the first thing I would do is, like really reflect on your intentions before taking any action, like what motives do you have for addressing the issue? You know, one of the things that we often tell the codependent to do is like does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by you? And does it need to be said by you right now? Those are some things that you can apply for yourself here, because you want to make sure that, if you're the one who's doing it, that your intentions are pure about promoting a healthier work environment that not only supports well-being, but make sure that we're reducing conflict.

Speaker 1: 17:41

Next, obviously, choosing the right timing and setting in the intensity of a high stress situation where you're seeing it play out, is not the time to address this right, it's finding another time where people are going to be more receptive and in a private setting. And I really would say to be more receptive and in a private setting. And I really would say if you're in a leadership position, this should not be done in front of others, it should just be with the parties involved. And then, next, I want you to highlight the impact right this is going back to the story Clearly articulate the negative consequences of this behavior on individual and team growth, the dynamics, the organizational success on individual and team growth, the dynamics, the organizational success. This is where you really want to emphasize the importance of fostering autonomy, mutual respect and accountability in the workplace.

Speaker 1: 18:26

Right, and lastly, stay out of the gossip. My friends Do not like get sucked into the gossip in this area, because when you're having the charge giver and the receiver and the codependency, this is again where it can get really intense. And just staying out of the gossip in this area, because when you're having the charge giver and the receiver and the codependency, this is again where it can get really intense, and just staying out of the gossip on it. So, friends, I would love to hear from you have you personally had to deal with this? Do you at times yourself struggle from it? I think we all struggle from people pleasing occasionally, but when it becomes chronic and then slips into the codependency is really where we need to get some support. I would love to hear from you. You can always respond to any of the socials. You can send me an email at hello at jillgriffincoachingcom, and I appreciate you being here. Friends, have a great week, embrace possibility, be intentional and kind. I'll see you soon.