LOTE: Hello My Name is Kimberly-Part 2

Episode 173: Hello My Name is Kimberly- Part 2

In this episode of LOTE, we re-introduce Kimberly Elledge! It's been a while since she shared her story, and it's so powerful that we made it a two-part series.

This episode isn't just about looking back; it's about the shared laughter and healing Courtney and Kim have found through their candid conversations and the strength they have drawn from their sisterly bond.

What you will learn in this episode:

• Kimberly's Story 

Thank you for listening.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:48

This is Courtney. This is Kimberly. You are listening to the show within the show. Living on the L-Edge. Come live with us.

Speaker 2: 1:56

We're talking about the road to recovery and sobriety and how to vibe and maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Speaker 1: 2:08

Welcome to another episode of Living on the L-Edge. You are listening to episode 173. This is part two of Kim's story. If you haven't listened to part one, go back to episode 171 and check it out. And Kimberly left us with a cliffhanger where she was talking about the first time she cooked up her own crack rock and why she cooked it up because she could no longer sniff cocaine.

Speaker 2: 2:37

So take it from there. The age, old story, the age old story.

Speaker 1: 2:41

So that's really where you got into smoking crack more, because you could no longer snort it. So eventually, you did move out of the city, though, and you came back to Michigan.

Speaker 2: 2:53

Yeah, I had to move out of the city because I was involved with some people that they don't fuck around. Let's just say they are a big organization in Mexico, so we were dealing with them, selling some stuff I was cooking for them, and because they didn't understand how a gringa was such a chemist, such a cooker. So with that came it was time for me to go or I was gonna die. So I moved back home and I stayed with my brother and my brother Brett, who, who opened up his home to me, and I had a great summer, you know, and I had a business opportunity prepared for me. So I came back for work and had a job and then I wasn't doing any cocaine, wasn't smoking any crack and was really like feeling good and hit my stride and I moved.

Speaker 2: 3:52

I it was time for me to go, because he was like all the way out in Brighton and no, thank you. If you're familiar with Metropolis, that's like tiki, torch, white land, and it was just like I am a city girl, I need a Metropolis. Like I had a great time with my brother, like he lived on a country club, we were like boat. We lived on a lake. It was very peaceful for me, whatever, and it was good to come back home and be with the family because I was gone for so long, just like jet setting all around. There were times where I would just like hop a flight and end up like anywhere. There's times where you didn't even know where I was, so like Courtney and my best friend would always play inspector gadget and get on the phone and have you talked to Kim? Where's that?

Speaker 2: 4:36

she said this and they would always, because when you're in active addiction, the lies are fucking rowdy, so that and then she would get pissed that me and Katie would speak to each other yeah, that was just like control in the attic brain and I knew like the jig was up when it came to my lies were like working and, mind you, in this time in Denver I we lost this part. I'll probably get emotional, but it was a very hard time for me because I was flying back and forth from Florida at the time and then to North Carolina and our grandma was dying so I had gone out there and realized how much like her dementia and Alzheimer's it was actually like somebody who was such a strong person and was really like a mother figure to me and was my rock was not doing well. So during all that, so when she passed, it really set me off the fucking Richter. Yeah, so, dealing with that, I came home, it was good to be around family and I finally settled down, but I needed out of Brighton.

Speaker 2: 5:45

I'm too small for me. There was nothing going on out there.

Speaker 1: 5:48

Yeah, you don't have to. It was time to go. It was not your place, so you moved out closer to the city and bada bing, bada boom.

Speaker 2: 5:58

Bada, bing bada boom.

Speaker 1: 5:58

Then you got into your final DUI, which then led you to how many days.

Speaker 2: 6:09

How many days of what? Of being locked up, incarcerated? I think was it 90? It was something. Yeah, three months.

Speaker 2: 6:24

So I was coming home one night from work and I don't know what got into me. Addicts you will understand this. I was coming home from work and I go down. I was out at the airport and I was living in Ferndale, so I have to take the Lawless Southfield Freeway home, get off on eight mile and if anybody's in Metro Detroit or that stretch of road, it's fucking crazy.

Speaker 2: 6:46

I was sitting at a light and I was feeling a certain type of way that day, I don't know, and then I just watched this fucking junkie. There's one thing about me I can always tell in a room full of drug addicts when the way anybody's walking, I know if someone's on fucking heroin, they just everyone's got like a different walk to them. This heroin addict walked in front of me and it was from years of just working and doing that needle exchange and that methadone clinic I worked for. And then a fucking crackhead walked in front of my car and I was just. I got fucking triggered and it happened months that had not done any drugs and I just. It just ignited something in my brain where I was like oh fuck. So I'm like driving down and it's like my car drove itself into this trap hotel and I sat there in the parking lot and thought about it. And if you know that side of town, there is no reason for a fucking 36 year old at the time white girl needs to be pulling up at that time of night to one of those hotels, because a lot of times when you go in there you don't come out, and that is just the breaks of any major city that has a drug problem. But there's something about Detroit where people you don't come out, and that is just the breaks of any major city that has a drug problem. But there's something about Detroit where people just don't fuck around.

Speaker 2: 7:56

I had uptests out. I fucking waltzed right in there and I had hookers fucking screaming at me telling me pretty much like this was their set, and I told them to fucking chill out. I was just there to get some fucking drugs and I gave them each 20 bucks to shut the fuck up, because I know how the game goes. So they got off my dick and this man in a wheelchair rolled right up to me and it was like I heard you're looking for some shit, what are you into? And I was like just some hard. And I was buzzed into the fucking motel, which literally was like hell in there, because you know you got sex workers and you got fucking drug dealers and you got junkies. It really is a scene out of a movie. And I got what I needed and stopped at the gas station across the street because every gas station in a major city sells fucking chore in a pipe and off we went and I started secretly smoking crack again. It was on and popping and that lasted for a minute and I went on a vacation and I didn't come back.

Speaker 2: 9:05

I had a bunch of drugs in the car and was driving. I was going to Chicago and my end goal was Chicago, but I ended up at the West side of the state, grand Haven in Michigan, and I got pulled over and don't remember anything, like I came out of a blackout in jail and my only question was did I kill somebody? Because I didn't remember and my face was like all fucked up, I was bruised, I was in a cell with fucking 20 other women. It was so small, it was disgusting and I had to use the phone and I just remember like having a panic attack because I couldn't breathe in there, everyone's like sleeping on top of each other. It was gross. And then they had me and did I wake up. It was gross. And then they had me and did I wake up. And I woke up and detox like handcuffed. I remember that was the first. And then I asked and it was like a blur because I was like detoxing really bad and coming out. So there was like moments of me waking up and then I'd be in like a different cell or whatever they like my blood alcohol. I blew a 0.42. Like dead, really naughty.

Speaker 2: 10:13

I couldn't remember where I hid my drugs in the car. Like there was fucking. There was a lot of shit going on and there was a lot of shit that I can't say on the pod just because of because I had to take some stuff too. I was transporting a little bit of stuff, so there's just some things that so it was. I was definitely like running fast again and it was a moment where I just was like so defeated and I remember just saying to God I was like if I didn't kill anyone and get out of this, I will get my shit together, and I'd said a million times before between me and God but I was like I'm sick, like I can't, I would rather die than the fact that I had to call you and call Katie and you guys didn't know where I was for fucking date. Like you didn't know where I was. And it was one of those moments where I could not bullshit my way out of the system and the judge was I was considered like flight risk or whatever and I could not get out of jail and I had to do all my processing, everything my court case, everything from county.

Speaker 2: 11:21

And if you've ever had to be chain ganged and walk into court in your county blues, it really is like not the best look, it doesn't feel good and it's so dehumanizing. The way you're treated in there by the CEOs is fucking disgusting. I'm sure it's not good as a man, but as a woman it is. It's degrading. It's the sexual abuse and I have been locked up before, so I do jail really well. I know what time it is in there. It was so I'm fine in there, like I can adapt and survive, but I'd be fine and just put my head down.

Speaker 2: 11:56

But it was really like I wasn't prepared to have my freedom stripped like that just for that long, right? So I came out and got my shit together. I was, I always remember my brother Brett saying it's OK, anytime I would get in trouble. It's okay, it's just a misdemeanor, just don't get a felony. And I was hit with a fucking felony. So that really rang to me, I don't know why, because I was like, oh my God, I finally did it. I did the one thing like my brother just was like don't get a fucking felony. Just was like don't get a fucking felony. And I got one and had to come out and was on felony parole and my parole officer was I had to go live with my mother.

Speaker 1: 12:38

Yeah, she lived with Deb.

Speaker 2: 12:45

And my roomie, which was fine, and mom opened up her home to me and it was good. Because those first days, like first couple months, were like really raw for me. I came out tethered up of fails and saving grace. My boss was like I was gone for a while and I was working at a chef concept at the Delta terminal and because I am luckily good at my job and a good employee, they said you're coming back and I was like can I get my security clearance? I was so worried about it. They're like no, they explained it was just for like sex offenders and violent. They're like you're fine and they're like you got to reapply. So I am blessed because one I made a ton of money out there and that court case cost me probably about 60 bands, $60,000 court case.

Speaker 2: 13:29

I'm very lucky I can see how the system and also opened my eyes through felony cases, probation, going in and seeing like these poor people who were like $5 short on their payment. There was a few times where I, out of my own pocket, was like dude, you can't go back over $20 when. But they were just locking people up left and right and sending them back and it's just a system where it's a revolving door and being on that kind of parole was. It was a job man. That was not easy. So I yeah, I fucking did it and my last. I had a few parole officers but the last one was really like a God said for me and she was so sweet to me and treated me like a human being.

Speaker 2: 14:13

I started working with a nonprofit for my community service hours and that was incredible and led me into like other nonprofit work and that I still do to this day and I have really gotten like my shit.

Speaker 2: 14:28

Together with healing and my relationships with my close circle of friends and you and I's has just like totally gone through the stratosphere. My brother-in-law I always say it's one of the only men on this planet that I trust it was because poor Matthew has been through it, obviously with my sister and addiction, and then she has this fucking maniac of a sister and Courtney and I have definitely fought over the years and they've been together for a long time, so he's seen some shit and he's seen like family trauma come out and he's had to. So Matt has really like stuck by me and stuck by us. But when I was in jail poor Matthew I've said this on in part one. I said go back to the beginning because I've skimmed over like some details and stuff. But Courtney and Matt had to go move my shit out of my house that I was living at with this fucking loser in Ferndale and she was a loser, she was trying to just a loser.

Speaker 2: 15:25

She a loser. I bought this like 1950s vintage kitchen table, it's like the real deal, spent some serious bread on it and this bitch was trying to keep my table and my sister's no, I know my sister and she didn't say you could have that and that is like her pride and joy. She went and got that scouted out at an antique mart. You're not keeping the table. And this is when Courtney realized that I was back on the crack rock Because this bitch, while I was locked up, went in my room and was right through my shit.

Speaker 1: 15:54

So she was like trying to hold like the crack pipe, Like I'm, like she's in jail.

Speaker 2: 15:59

She's like my dad's a cop. Like I'm like she's in jail, she's my dad's a cop. I'm gonna tell this is hers and courtney's a fucking g. Like don't let her little suburban ass, little white ass, fool you. She's bitch, she's in jail and you're holding that fucking crack pipe. But my brother-in-law I don't know. I've never seen a pipe in real life used in all he was. That was a lot of reality for him.

Speaker 1: 16:20

But this is Matt and I were going through. Matt and I were not in a good space at that time. We were not. We were close to getting a divorce.

Speaker 2: 16:32

And segue on Kimberly's bullshit. He's like who the fuck what is happening?

Speaker 1: 16:37

So that's Matt is such a good dude where he put aside our stuff, that we were going through that period of time and he still showed up, even though he was fucking madder than hornets.

Speaker 2: 16:55

Madder than hornets.

Speaker 1: 16:57

He was madder than hornets, but that man still showed up and helped me move Kim's stuff out of that.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Yeah, shout out, Matthew. Sorry about that.

Speaker 1: 17:08

The loser fucking roommate. She was such a bitch, like, just such a fucking, just like a sneaky bitch. And then she had her boyfriend there and the boyfriend had his gun on him and like his back pocket. I'm like what the is happening right now? Do you think we're gonna try to rob your stuff?

Speaker 2: 17:26

I'm just trying to get my sister stuck, like they were like down, they were like down river trash and my friend like linked me with him and I thought that he's because my friend I've known for years and he knows me as a person he's oh, you'll get along great with her. He wants to get this house in Ferndale and I'm like perfect. And then she ended up. I just hated living there. It was fucking nuts.

Speaker 1: 17:47

She was nuts, and this isn't like I'm not saying because I understand that. Okay, some people. Okay, mental health issues. I hear it on that level. Listen, we come from a line of dealing with somebody who has mental health issues. Yeah, no shade, no judgment, no but this bitch was fucking nuts Like she. She wasn't nuts on a mental health level, she was fucking like this bitch was crazy.

Speaker 2: 18:14

And I'll drop it. No, she like generations of fucking white trash the way she operated, and also, too, that's why I would be in my room because her and her boyfriend took over the house. So I was like, how did I get in the situation? So then I would just like, by dealing with it, I just be in my room, just getting high. So that also escalated. I take responsibility, obviously, for going to get cracked from the man in the wheelie, but but you take responsibility from all of it.

Speaker 1: 18:38

But I'm just this little like bean pole. This guy was like I don't like a buck 20, and for him to have his gun out like a police dude, like he was trying to like police, nobody cares. He was peacocking with a pistol in his pants where, like, I could have sat on him and he could have snatched yeah, they were fucking losers.

Speaker 2: 18:58

But so my sister did not fold. Not couldn't be my sister folding. So fuck you and your crack pipe. That's not mine. Kim's in jail. So what are you going to do? And you're holding it. Get the fuck out of the way. I'm taking her table and she's already lost everything. She's not going to lose her fucking table. So you know, they got my shit and left.

Speaker 1: 19:21

And I told they got my shit and left and, uh, it didn't work. They didn't work because then I told, I said call the ferndale police department.

Speaker 2: 19:25

Go ahead, call them, call them. Yeah, the house is in your name. You're holding it. What are you gonna do here? Your? Little your fingerprints are all over it. Right, you're fucking.

Speaker 1: 19:33

We're not and we're not stupid, no, no alert and, too, I'm like trying to pivot down these old flights of stairs like this old house trying to pivot. It was fucking hotter than balls. I have a sweat. Mustache Matthew is madder than hornets. I have a fucking beanpole with a gun in the back of his bucket and I have a crazy bitch trying to Waving crackp pipes around the crib Right waving crack pipes for a table and I'm like just get me out of here. And I left that and I cried on the way home.

Speaker 2: 20:13

I know I'm really sorry about that. Courtney, you're a fucking writer, you really?

Speaker 1: 20:16

are. I even think I stopped for the fucking cupcake. I think I ate my emotions.

Speaker 2: 20:22

As you should.

Speaker 1: 20:25

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Speaker 1: 22:02

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Speaker 2: 23:15

So, anyways, it was a wild times and I got out feeling really good and you rebuild it.

Speaker 1: 23:23

you rebuilt from that day forward.

Speaker 2: 23:26

I rebuilt from that day forward. But mistakes were made and I had just started my healing journey, honestly, had started it, and then I was going. I had to because of my parole but really wanted to and needed some resources. So I started going to Narconics Anonymous and I ended up moving out to Dearborn and I was living with a mutual friend of Courtney's and I who we love shout out, kellen, and Kellen was active member in AA and was getting sober. So I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with good people and I ended up leaving the airport and I was working for, started working in Dearborn for an amazing family whom I still work for.

Speaker 2: 24:17

Their other side of the family I've been on the same spot for a different concept. For what? Seven years Court, so really doing my thing here in Dearborn. I'm a great spot professionally and killing it. But I had met in the program Rudditor and he really set me back. That was like my final, I think, lesson.

Speaker 2: 24:38

I think, and I had always heard people talk about narcissists, that and that that term is thrown around very loosely and nowadays it's thrown around loosely, yeah, and I was really in very early recovery narcissistic cycle from hell and I got looped into a group of people that were just like predators in the program and from like his sponsor all the way down. And it was. It set me back emotionally because it was so abusive and my sister and a couple of my best friends really stood by me with that relationship and when I would get out and start to do some healing I'd get roped back in. So it was a very vicious cycle. But also my addict brain was like, by the time I knew I was addicted to the chaos and the beginning of the love bombing and all that because that narcissistic relationship is really. It's like a. It was like for me like a hit of dopamine, like that hit of first line of cocaine you do, of the night or first hit. So it really gets you going. But the fallout it was bad.

Speaker 2: 25:56

Getting over that was one of the hardest and getting out of it and what y'all, we are done Like there's no going back and, like I've said in the past, like we're done. But pork can co-sign for me, like that demon has called a few times to tap in to see, like where I was at and you know circling back and it's like dog, this, the jig is up, we are done. I see it for what it is, I feel and it is, um, I am an elevated version, so that's just not something in abusive relationship I want to partake in. I'm doing just fine being single and I'm happy and, um, I don't need that in my life. I did not understand what it was, but I took the responsibility to educate myself and understand and work through it. But that trauma bond is real. So anybody dealing with that it will be the fight of your life to get out. And some women or men don't ever get out of that relationship because it runs so deep and levels in your brain, especially if you're an addict. It is wild.

Speaker 1: 27:02

And here's the thing too, but not even only of a romantic relationship. People are in that type of narcissistic relationship with mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, so it's not just a romantic one. Yeah, and if you've been in one with a parent before, whether it's your mother or your father, you're most likely going to get into one with a romantic partner.

Speaker 2: 27:37

And I sure fucking did Like I was like shark bait.

Speaker 1: 27:42

You were shark bait, but I have to say this, because I've said this to you before too I don't think okay, yes, we all learn lessons from things, but I think what happened with that is because, in the process of recovering, you're healing, healing but still carrying around an energy with you that you haven't healed from, and I think that was the energy you had not healed from. And again, I only can state this because I had that set, that I had something similar to it with a previous business partnership that I was in previous to going out on my own.

Speaker 2: 28:20

And I know why I attracted that energy because yeah, and if she's listening, fuck you who you are, you bitch which I'm sure she is, because that's what they do they fucking lurk, they do lurk so I just have to. I just have to say that. But that was five years of hell and it was on top of surviving a panda. But here's what? Here's the thing with that dumb fuck that he did not realize he did not realize he was fucking with a savage.

Speaker 1: 28:56

He did not realize that you were aware that you weren't a dumb broad.

Speaker 2: 29:03

He didn't realize I'm Kimberly Ann Knowledge, because he also met me when I wasn't the best version of myself, one, I was just coming out of fucking jail. I was very sensitive and I'm sensitive anyways. I'm very in tune and sensitive to the world and think that it's bullshit and shit makes me sad. But I was not in a good place for myself because everything was so raw. I wasn't in a good place with my body, my relationship with my body, because I was like fucking slamming sugar those early days and I was just like he took me for an insecure, weak person. And it's one thing about narcissism. I am his grade A supply because it was so. That's why he still asked. I'll hear from him till the day he dies. He'll still circle back because he just can't wrap his head around that.

Speaker 1: 29:57

You got away.

Speaker 2: 29:58

You turned him down? Yeah, I just got yes. So it was a lot that went on. It was very chaotic and it's just not a level of chaos that I want to partake in anymore and, more importantly, it's not a level of chaos that I deserve out partake in anymore and, more importantly, it's not a level of chaos that I deserve out of a relationship or out of anything in life and we are just like out here trying to be a civilized human being.

Speaker 2: 30:20

The one thing that I still hold on to which a little bit that's fun for me, I get that like little hit of woo is the service industry, as we've talked about, because sometimes it gets like a little chaotic. But I love that because it's challenging and it just showcases like my talent and where I'm at and what I can do in this industry, cause I really am like people talk about the service industry, but I really do love it. I love it and I'm good at it and I'm. It has gotten me through hard times in my life. It's at first it was a love hate, because it really does condone like really like awful behaviors, but I've also met great people and it's taken me all around the fucking world literally, and it's just something. And I get to connect with people every day. It might. Every time I've worked for a boss they're like wow, you really do actually like people, because I hear people. I hate people. I hate people. Yeah, they are awful, but you also make some beautiful relationships and get to talk to people. People's stories are cool. Man, and I don't know, I have this uncanny ability where first moment people just spill their gut, tell me everything, give me the code to the fucking safe with the will. They just give it to me and it's just. But that's just my personality and energy and I'm a safe space and sometimes people just need to be heard. And like all the time my boss said do you know that person? Because I'm like giving them a hug. At the end I'm like, no, I said, but that's fucking Frank, and bye, bye, bye and give him a fucking story. And she's, you just learned all that and I was like, yeah, I was like Frank fucking slays dude, he's going to kill it out there in life and just it's great. So it's also like therapeutic for me, because I need that human interaction and being like making someone's day, just being nice. So now I'm at a place where I only fuck with people who are nice back to me, because I give that out to the universe. So I need somebody to be. I need people around me to be nice to me and to care, and if you don't, you can fuck all the way off.

Speaker 2: 32:24

Because I've dealt with such energy vampires my whole life since I was fucking four Like I. Just the first, my first trauma and obviously it was from a man and I have a little bit of trust issues when it comes to men, but they're all not bad, they can't be. I have to have faith in and I'm just not ready to be like that fucking 50 year old lesbian where I just say fuck it all with men and just go start scissor kicking my way through my late years because I do like boys, they're fun and but I'm one more lie away from having to buy a Subaru and go do that. But we're out here. So I started putting my energy out there and I've been like yeah, and the last year you really have.

Speaker 1: 33:08

You've laid low. In the last year you've laid low, you have taken time to yourself and you have put in the healing from that, in which I think that's super great, that you just didn't go from one relationship to the next, that you took time to heal what just happened in the past five years to you and to be in that type of relationship. I've learned a lot about that. I've learned a lot from you about that type of personality and what all entails, and I'm just, I'm very proud of you, sister.

Speaker 2: 33:38

Thank you, yeah, and I don't those relationship poppers I do not get. You know, as Courtney says, there was one two Christmases ago where it was a self-developmental Christmas and a book she got me. I, you know, read codependent, no more. And best melody, beauty queen, yeah, shout out. And it was really. I am a big reader.

Speaker 2: 34:00

So, as Courtney, and that was like eyeopening for me and I just I don't feel that it's fair for us to bleed our traumas onto others. So I don't ever want to go into a new relationship with trauma where I'm because I didn't take responsibility to heal and then I'm the fucking toxic one in a relationship, like I don't have time for another, I just don't want it. And like now I really want to approach dating and serious, because someday I want to be a wife, because I'm a good person and would make a good one and I deserve that's just something that I want. The universe there's levels to this shit it will send that for me when I'm ready and I'm having a good time and stepping out, like the other night I was getting ready and my brother-in-law was like where, because he always is Matt, Matt is all, he's in the background, he's scoping to see what's happening and he's all where are we going? He's like out again and I was like that's right, matthew, I'm out here like moving in a shake-in, having a good time and working, and we're just.

Speaker 2: 35:02

Every day is an adventure. It's tough, everybody, we still got our brains. You can't, I can't, give myself a new brain. I wake up every day and try to be mindful and be good to myself and then be good to the universe, because it really is an ebb and flow. What you put out comes back and I've seen that firsthand. I really believe it. So it's like a banking system. You got to deposit into it if you want to take out of it.

Speaker 1: 35:29

Yeah, what are two tips, what are two things that have really helped in your recovery since coming out of your last, since your lockup? What's two things that have really helped you?

Speaker 2: 35:49

Boundaries with people, definitely, which is some of the toughest things you'll ever have to do, because people are used to a certain broken version of you. So you have to be ready to lose it all with a person If you start setting down boundaries, because the thing about a boundary is you can set them, but you got to stick to them and you have to be prepared to if somebody doesn't want to adhere to your boundaries or don't respect them, like you're telling somebody point blank my ex every day it was like bitch, fuck you. I don't give a shit. When I just now, it's because now I'm in like the actual like doing it. That was, I feel like, with that relationship I was still in an addiction of its own. But boundaries, man, you got to have boundaries and understanding yourself and seeing the life you want to live and surrounding yourself with people that support what you're doing and are there to encourage you on the elevation of your life and the type of person you want to be. It really is like your network of people, honestly, because if you get people who are fucking with your boundaries because that can be fucking triggers, man, yeah, and you get triggered anything can happen. Fuck, my car drove itself to a fucking trap motel. Because I was triggered for the day Just being mindful people, places and things. Triggered for the day Just being mindful people, places and things and setting yourself up on a routine that helps you.

Speaker 2: 37:16

And every day, every year, every month, things get easier and you just have to. You gotta be willing to. My advice really is to go through it. Go fucking through the hell. You gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yeah, and it is the fight of your life. Life's already hard being like a fucking normal person. So you add in all the fucking anxiety, depression, insomnia, addiction, like all of fucking. That it's.

Speaker 2: 37:43

Uh, I always say, if you make it through someone with mental health or addiction, you are fucking a light worker and you are God's chosen one. Because it is. It's fucking not easy, it's. It's tough out here for a pimp Like the world is in fucking shambles. It is really in the way of the world right now. It's if you pay attention and are in tune to energies and what's going on. It's fucking wild right now what's happening. So you just got to stick to your, stay true to yourself and surround yourself with good people If you need to work a program, if you want to go on a spiritual journey. Right now there's so much information and literature and networks out there. All you got to do is reach out and you got to be willing to want the help and ask for it, whatever you need. So there's lots of things to it. I don't think it's really a set answer. So they're like we always say there's layers to this shit.

Speaker 1: 38:41

Yeah, I just wanted to hear what to have kept you Maintaining life. Yeah, to do that.

Speaker 2: 38:47

Yeah, but I don't want to. I don't want to maintain anymore. We're actually at the point where we want to like we're living, thriving yeah exactly.

Speaker 1: 38:56

Yeah, like I said, I'm very proud of you. I hope that you write a book and start becoming a public speaker and getting out there and maybe helping some women with substance issues or even going on healing yourself after a relationship like you just had.

Speaker 2: 39:22

Yeah, you can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself, man, because, like, we are all powerful beings so you just got to tap into it and believe. And I know everyone hasn't been dealt the same hand, but there's so much opportunity and stuff out there you really can't diminish yourself and put yourself into a box and victimize yourself. That's also, too, that victimization mentality that will keep you oppressed, and you got to get past that. Because that is the main thing I hear from addicts or women coming out of these abusive relationships and it's yes, it happened.

Speaker 2: 39:59

And you can either stay stuck in it so that's just going to keep repeating that energy is going to fucking fester and dwell and be around you, or you can take ownership and be a fucking badass and learn your worth and start pouring in love to yourself. And I'm not going to lie and say it hasn't been lonely and say it hasn't been sad and say I haven't grieved shit and even like grieve my past life. But, like, you can really design your own way and it's an opportunity to like make shit happen for yourself. Even if it's a quiet, simple life, it's still. It's peaceful. You're not dealing with someone's dusty ass son. You're not dealing with the fucking vicious cycle of it. You're not, you're just, it's cool and you can finally sit your whole ass down and breathe.

Speaker 1: 40:43

Breathe. I'm going to end it on that note. Let's end it on that note. I think that's a good one. If you want to connect with Kimberly and Ellen, you can find her at what's your handle.

Speaker 2: 40:55

Oh, madam was out Kimberly. Which just one more thing, sister, you guys, I have arrived. I have a fucking troll on the internet, oh, yeah and uh. They know my tick tock and my Instagram. So, whoever you are out there, fuck you. Yeah, whoever you are.

Speaker 1: 41:17

Just stop, dude, Because you know again I will say this, and going back to Brene Brown if you are not putting yourself out there like my sister is on sharing such a powerful story and helping, and again putting yourself out there on a podcast, Just shut the fuck up, just stop. Like I can't, I cannot with these people. It's just enough enough. I just block and delete.

Speaker 2: 41:45

I block and delete. But I was like I finally was like, oh my God, my first hate comment. I called Courtney. I was like we have arrived, but this person's very irritated with me. He told me to go choke on it. I should have choked on a crack pipe and died oh so harsh, but it doesn't bother me. Like I giggled and but just block and delete. I don't. Even in my old days I would have clapped back and kept that going and just like spit venom. But now it's. Oh, someone is like miserable and I'm like irritating someone just for living.

Speaker 1: 42:23

But this is where it's like people who do this because you and I are so conditioned to just be like you can eat a bag of dicks. But if that was a troll doing that to somebody else who is not that resilient, or to see a place of like where they could be in a vulnerable place, and that kind of behavior could fucking set somebody off, and that's it's online bullying and someone who's not in a good place could potentially off themselves or set them into a relapse, and you know what happens when people relapse.

Speaker 2: 42:55

they die so whoever you are, because I know you're listening, you dumb piece of shit. I'm not affected, but be better, because that type of shit is. If so, 80s, get a hold of yourself. Haters gonna hate we got ops Really means we have arrived, so it doesn't bother me, it just makes me sad if that's happening. It makes me sad for people who like these kids and the online bullies and all that shit. But I heard his words were very colorful. Good for you, dipshit.

Speaker 1: 43:28

Just fucking kick rocks, dude.

Speaker 2: 43:31

And the beauty about a podcast or social media. Courtney and I we like to talk and stuff, but some of this stuff that we talk about it's like our trauma response. We like laugh and we're dickheads and that's it, but it's still. We're still human beings and it affects us and me like throwing the shit that I've done out there. I work it's. I still get nervous because I work in a community where you don't talk about this stuff and it's all about keeping up with the Joneses and presence and if I wasn't me, my personality, like I could get canceled out of a whole fucking town just for speaking my truth. And I'm not going to because I own it and if that's the case, then it's okay. Somebody I'll, I'm fine, but there were definitely. I was worried and sometimes I still get where cause Courtney and I fucking go for it.

Speaker 2: 44:19

And if we're going to do something like this podcast, we're going to do it and um, tell the nitty gritty and talk about the dark times, like having to hit your crack pipe in the middle of a dumpster.

Speaker 2: 44:32

It's not something I'm proud of, but it's talk about mistakes that we've made and it's growth and we can learn from it and we're human beings and all you can do is be better. But I'm not going to sugarcoat my story because we're being vulnerable and putting ourselves out there and we do it in a way that works for us and if it doesn't work for people listening. And we do it in a way that works for us and if it doesn't work for people listening, change the fucking channel. It's okay, like we're okay, we're here to. We just are talking and want people to know that you're loved and it's okay, and have people listen to us and know that there's other people out there like you and that you're not a bad person because you are struggling. So if you want to be a fucking hater, do that on your own. Fuck off Like we're trying to be positive and just talk that shit.

Speaker 1: 45:17

But yeah, and Sober Vibes and L-O-T-E. This is my mission with all of this and our mission with this was to meet somebody where they're at, and sober vibes be more of an empowering, shame-free space in your sobriety journey, because there's a lot out there that comes from fucking that shame, point your finger and we are not like that. And by sharing our stories and putting it out there with the bajillion men I slept with, a lot of women have been in that position and there's a lot of shame that gets carried into. Then their recovery and just trying to help the process of making it a little fucking easier on somebody. So the trolls out there suck a dick, s-a-d, bitch, s-a-d, all S-A-D. Alright, sister, I love you. Thank you for sharing your story in this two-part series and we're excited to be back for season five. Make sure to check out the merch. All the links are in the show notes below. Make sure to check out our sponsors and I love you, sissy, I love you tooissy, I love you too.

Speaker 2: 46:31

Bye guys.