Rebuilding Self-Esteem After Addiction with Arlina Allen

Episode 183:Rebuilding Self-Esteem After Addiction with Arlina Allen

In episode 183 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Andersen welcomes Arilina Allen to the show. Arilina and Courtney chat about rebuilding self-esteem after addiction. A topic Arilina specializes in.

Arlina Allen is a Certified Recovery Coach (IAPRC), Certified Hypnotist (CH), Founder of Sober Life School, and host of the award-winning recovery podcast "The One Day At A Time Recovery Podcast" with over 300 episodes. She helps busy women quit drinking and create a life they love.

What you will learn in this episode:

• Tips to rebuild self-esteem 
• Arilina's story 

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Transcript

Speaker 2: 2:17

Hey, welcome to the Sober Vibes podcast. I am your host, courtney Anderson. You are listening to episode 183. We got a great guest today. Arlena Allen is a certified recovery coach. She is the founder of Sober Life School and the host of the award-winning recovery podcast, the One Day at a Time Recovery Podcast, and there's over 300 episodes. I was a guest on her show. We had a great conversation and I invited her on the Sober Vibes podcast because we vibed and majority of my guests I've all vibed with. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this episode today.

Speaker 2: 2:54

She talks about how to rebuild self-esteem after addiction. So she's got some great tips and this is one that is a much needed one for anybody to listen to, because rebuilding your self-esteem after a life with alcohol and drugs it takes some time. So if you're like in the first 30 days and your self-esteem is shot, it will come back. Okay, it will come back, but it takes some time and it takes some work. I have to say for myself it was probably a couple of years into my sobriety. Then I started to feel like I was still. I got a groove back in the sense of I don't really think I ever had my groove up until the point of I got it when I got sober right, because there's a lot of years of broken promises to yourself. You know things that had happened in your drinking and drug days. So it takes some time. And again, I will say it 1,001 times personal development helped me so much in the process of rebuilding my self-esteem and just another day sober helped as well, because it's like, okay, I stopped breaking those promises to myself and little by little, change behavior. It all adds up.

Speaker 2: 4:18

So I hope you really enjoyed this episode today. Make sure to all of her information I will have in the show notes below. Check out our sponsors. All those links are in the show notes below and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Hey, arlena, welcome to the Sober Vibes podcast. I'm glad you were here today. So excited to be here. Thanks, yes, we chatted a couple weeks ago for your podcast. So I always love doing, I always love interviewing podcast hosts. Not that same people who are not podcast hosts aren't great interviews because they are. But there's just something about having another podcast host where it's just it's. I will say this that it's, it's a little bit easier, it's like more. I would say it's more. Go with the flow where, when you show up, it's more of just like, okay, this is what we're going to do, no problem, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:12

No, and you and I interviewed the very have very similar styles, so this'll be fun. I'm super excited.

Speaker 2: 5:18

Yeah, when we started for yours and you're like, yeah, I just make this all organically, I was like me too Great, so why don't you share with us when you got sober?

Speaker 1: 5:31

I got sober April 23rd of 94. So I just celebrated 30 years. Yeah, amazing, I think so I can't believe that's my number. There was something about the big three. Oh, that felt very significant. It was, I don't know, kind of a big deal to me.

Speaker 2: 5:51

Hell, yeah, that's a big deal. Yeah, that's a huge deal. I mean, 30 years is huge. Do you, before we get more into your story? Do you feel, though, like that, because time is a weird thing, and like more and more now, as mom, I see time differently, but do you feel like it's still like yesterday, that you can remember getting sober?

Speaker 1: 6:14

Yeah, I mean, it's so funny because some people are like man, she got 30. I've heard people say this to me or about me, or you got sober so long ago, do you even remember what it was like? And it's like the answer is hell. Yeah, I mean I had some really painful experiences before I got sober that were just burned in my psyche forever, like I'll never forget throwing up in front of the baseball table with the Giants. I was in like the club where all the players' wives were and stuff, and we had gotten so hammered and I started vomiting at the table in front of everyone and just cleared the room. Yeah, that was super embarrassing. It was like it happened yesterday. I totally remember that.

Speaker 2: 6:54

Yeah, and I feel like moments like that, like when you have those moments, or if it could just be like a really bad case of anxiety the next day after a night of drinking. You don't forget that. That is burned into your psyche, that is burned into your. That is a core memory that you don't forget because it had such a negative impact on yourself.

Speaker 1: 7:20

Oh my God, it was humiliating. When your brain is designed, we have this negativity bias right. It's there to help us survive, look for danger and how to survive danger. And it's so interesting because I got sober through 12 step and and there is a sort of telling of the story that has kind of kept it fresh for me. And hearing other people's stories as they come in, it's like just this reminder of yeah, my body does not process alcohol like a quote unquote normal person Like I black out, I sleep with strangers, I put myself in harm's way, I say things I don't mean. It's just like, yeah, I'm never going to forget, that's part of who I am. And there's this idea that we just see things as they are right. It's like let's accept reality and my reality is I don't process alcohol like a normal person, so I don't do it.

Speaker 2: 8:19

Yeah, but that's so very powerful for just to admit that. But just like, this is the reality of this, this is the truth. Yeah, there's no sugarcoating it. This is the truth, and this is my reality, so why keep messing with it? So tell us what brought you to the point, though, of saying so long to to alcohol.

Speaker 1: 8:39

Yeah, so I was just that girl. That my tagline. I always. I always say that if my, if it wasn't a bottle, a bag or blue jeans, I was doing that. Anything. I like that to change right, Anything to change the way I felt Men were a big part of my story, but the truth of the matter was I pretty much hated who I was right. I was always running from who I thought I was, and this goes all the way back to when I was a little girl. There were two things that happened to me when I was really young. I was sexually abused as a five-year-old for a while by a neighbor child, an older neighbor child, and we don't hear people don't talk about it. That like, I don't hear about that too much, but it affected me in such deeply profound ways that it affects me still today. To be perfectly honest, yeah, Are you talking about molestation.

Speaker 2: 9:34

Are you talking about molestation from an older neighborhood, like an older kit, in that sense?

Speaker 1: 9:41

Yeah, just that it happened. That it happened, okay, yeah, that it happened because it changed the trajectory of my development. It changed the trajectory of my development like both in an identity sort of a way and in a way that I moved through the world like it's not a safe place. I'm a bad person, it was my fault, all this stuff. And then the other thing that happened was my parents divorced when I was seven and that was really hard on me. My parents are really good people. They didn't ever drink or use or anything like that. They were like good, church going, folk, that type of thing.

Speaker 1: 10:15

But also there again I was getting these messages of how I was supposed to be and I was failing miserably. So it was a just the perfect storm of a bunch of bad stuff that happened to shape my identity and and that's that set the stage for the rest of my life how I was one of those stuff that happened to shape my identity and that set the stage for the rest of my life. I was one of those people that did the whole achievement to receive love type of stuff kind of led to workaholism as an adult and people pleasing and looking to outside myself to feel good about who I am. So lots of negative repeating patterns that I've had to spend a lot of time and energy to sort of mitigate so that I can live like a healthy person.

Speaker 2: 11:00

And which we talked about on your show, that we called ourselves twins because like very similar, very similar, very similar characteristic traits and two of parents divorcing at seven. You called it something that it was when you were asking me about the trauma I forgot to write it down where I had an emotional trauma, but you called it something else.

Speaker 1: 11:23

I don't remember. I'm 55 and I did a lot of drugs when I was young, so my memory isn't. It's okay.

Speaker 2: 11:30

It's okay, God. You called it some type of emotional trauma, where then you became more of the pleaser, the overachiever, going into the workaholic. So so, okay. So that really, those two things were great, great moments in your life. I mean not great, but big moments.

Speaker 1: 11:52

They're significant yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:54

Yes, where it impacted you on that road. So then, at what? So then you got sober at 25? I did, yes, 25. And which is young?

Speaker 1: 12:05

That's young. Yeah, I started young, though. My first drink that I can remember well, my first drunk I was between eight and 10, probably, let's just call it nine. Yeah, my mom had gone out to dinner. I have an older sister. She and I were left home alone and I decided it'd be a great idea to go after some of that booze that was in the cab and it was like probably somebody left it from like a dinner party or something, and was it some form of schnapps?

Speaker 2: 12:35

That's what I think. I kind of have a joke on this podcast because there was a couple other women who were like started with your parents schnapps. And I was like what was it with that generation? And the schnapps. So I just that is hilarious degeneration and the schnapps.

Speaker 1: 12:53

So I just that is hilarious. No, it was, it was. I just remember that it was brown. And then it was like a clear glass bottle brown liquid and I mixed it with some juice and I remember it's so funny I remember that first drink, like it was yesterday, even all this time later that it burned my lips that it burned all the way down, but then, when it hit bottom, like this warmth spread through my body and I actually didn't realize how bad I felt until I felt really good.

Speaker 1: 13:17

It was like all this self-loathing and self-consciousness, all that stuff was lifted and all I was left with was, like this euphoric feeling and the contrast, the juxtaposition of those two feelings was so stark that like again burned into my psyche forever. And of course, I didn't start drinking daily at the age of 10. But I was like, oh, this is the feeling, like that is the feeling that I chased was really, it was relief, it was relief.

Speaker 2: 13:48

What age would you say that it got to the point of you were drinking every day.

Speaker 1: 13:52

I never drank every day. I certainly used every day, like I found pot when I was 14 and that became like my second love. I remember I used to get high with the pastor's daughter all the time. She was the biggest stoner I knew. They always are. Oh my God, it's like it's not good to repress your human nature too much, otherwise you rebel like significantly.

Speaker 1: 14:17

And. But I remember one time she told me we were getting high and she's like Arlena, I am high so often that not being high is my altered reality. And I was like, oh my God, I want to be just like you. Yeah, I just really resonated with that. That and Pink Floyd's comfortably numb was like my anthem.

Speaker 1: 14:39

I just, I remember I did some trauma therapy not that long ago where I remembered the moment I decided that I hated my feelings.

Speaker 1: 14:52

13 years old, my mom and I had gotten into an argument and I locked myself in the bathroom and she was really not one to coddle me or indulge in that kind of emotional nonsense, but for whatever reason, I remember the light was off in the bathroom and I was just like curled up on the floor, just like in emotional pain, and my mom was on the other side of the door and she was like trying to understand, like one of the very few times she was. I could tell she was really trying to understand, but she couldn't reach me. I don't remember what happened, I think she just left me alone. But I remember, in the darkness, curled up on the floor like that, thinking I hate my feelings, I hate my feelings, and I remember that was the moment where I wish I could never feel again. So I feel like the drugs and the alcohol that was my medicine, so that I didn't have to feel my pain.

Speaker 2: 15:42

For sure. So what was that point that brought you to the place where it was like I'm done?

Speaker 1: 15:50

So I had from my first drink to the last.

Speaker 1: 15:53

I had a series of what I would call episodes where I would drink really heavily Like because I was the way I managed. My feelings was I would just shove it all down. But when I drank it's like it all exploded like a volcano. And I always say, like I have these alter egos, it was either Wimpy Wendy or Badass Betsy, because I was either crying or fighting. Actually, there was always this third alter ego, which was slutty Karen, who always seemed to show up, oh, for sure. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:23

She always pops out there, everybody loves.

Speaker 1: 16:25

Karen, so funny, but I had done that repeatedly so many times I just was like sick and tired of being sick and tired and it's kind of funny because I had always been like super hardworking and ambitious, I thought there were two things that were going to save me.

Speaker 1: 16:42

It was either love or money. It was either a man or making a lot of money, I thought, were the two things that were going to save me. So I always was like, I always had my hustle going and I, like the one thing that was always in the way was my drinking and using. I figured if I could stop smoking weed, I would be more motivated. If I stopped drinking, I could, I would quit repelling men. So I just got to that point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I had two customers I was in an outside sales position and two of my clients were in the program and we'd go out to lunch and they were sort of telling me their stories about how they quit drinking and how they got sober and stayed sober. And I, just on my 25th birthday, I had my last drink of alcohol and the next day I was like I gotta, I gotta go to one of those meetings. And so this guy, mitch, took me to my very first meeting and it was.

Speaker 1: 17:37

I knew I was home because these people were saying things out loud that I don't know that I had the words for right, I was like oh my god, that's me, that's how I feel, and oh, by the way, I can't believe you're saying that shit out loud in front of everybody, just like the vulnerability was so powerful that I was like okay, maybe I can do this thing.

Speaker 2: 18:00

And you've done it for 30 years.

Speaker 1: 18:02

I have yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:03

That's amazing. Also, too, in your recovery you brought it up, but you said a while back that you did some trauma therapy right, so how did that look for you?

Speaker 1: 18:17

So I've done a bunch. I've done hypnotherapy, which was so powerful for me it had such a profound effect on me that I decided to get certified. So I've included that in my practice and I coach people. I've also done EMDR. I'm not a trained clinician so that's not something I offer, but it was hugely helpful for me to go back and actually the hypnosis to, to go back to those periods of time when I was either being abused or I had like you have these traumatic experiences when you grow up, going back and sort of reprocessing those experiences. And there was one I worked with this one person to do some deep trauma work and it involved like a lot of hypnosis and internal family systems type stuff. And what I started recalling were all these times where I almost died when I was growing up.

Speaker 1: 19:16

And I only know about these stories because my mom would talk about these stories as if they were like funny little, funny little the way she.

Speaker 1: 19:24

It's so interesting how we receive information with the same tone that it's delivered and my mom was like a really funny person and she'd be like oh my God, when you were in diapers I used to find you in the backyard and you'd be chewing snails and we'd have to come out there and clear the snails out of your mouth. Or, oh, there was this one time when you were washing cars in front of the house and you followed the water all the way to the gutter and then walked all the way down the street and around the corner this is me in diapers, yeah, around the corner and a neighbor lady saw me and brought me home and was like excuse me, are you missing something? And the way my mom told these stories as if they were funny. But looking back it's like, oh my God, we lived on kind of a busy street, so I was feet away from the street. I could have been very easily been hit by a car or abducted, or do you know what I mean? It's like I was not.

Speaker 1: 20:15

I was not safe, my my parents were not paying attention, specifically my mom, yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:21

That story gives me anxiety right now, listening to it, cause I'm now picturing my two and a half year old and you know I'm like nope, like I can't imagine. I just can't imagine that happening.

Speaker 1: 20:33

Yeah, and she would also tell this story about how one summer and I think I have memories of this but I'm not sure if I'm just making shit up or if it actually happened, but like it came up in hypnosis where I nearly drowned we were at a pool and I was standing next to her and I stepped off of the step and I didn't know how to swim. They didn't have floaties back then. This was pre-floatie era and I was drowning and my uncle, who was 10 years older than me, he reached down and pulled me out by my hair. My mom tells this story where she was like, oh my gosh, your daughter's drowning, and she was like, oh my God.

Speaker 1: 21:09

But the way she told the story was kind of funny. But I almost drowned, is the story. I almost drowned and I was standing right next to her and she was so busy talking she didn't even notice me, and so that's kind of those are. These are some of the stories that came up when I was doing trauma therapy, about how the story, over and over again, was I was not safe, I almost died and nobody was paying attention, my needs went unmet and listen, I don't mean, and I love my mother dearly. I love my dad dearly. Like where the hell was he Mom's catching all the flat?

Speaker 2: 21:51

but where was dad during all this? I don't you talk from your perspective and your truth, right? So I have always felt like my family doesn't listen to this podcast. But if they were ever to, it's like well, that's my truth and I'm trying to do it in a respectful way, and so I get. I get what you're saying, and sometimes relationships with parents it's just complicated. There's years there where it's complications, and then you look at your parents now and you're like okay, I have to. Just, they were human beings too in a different time. So like A very different time.

Speaker 2: 22:32

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Speaker 2: 24:15

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Speaker 1: 25:46

Yeah, and the interest is so I've lost both my parents. Now my mom was. She was diagnosed with cancer and died within 22 days.

Speaker 2: 25:55

Oh, wow.

Speaker 1: 25:56

Yeah, it was really fast and it was interesting because so I got sober at 25. So we had a lot of years of me being healthy and I learned new coping skills. It profoundly changed my relationship with her that there was always this little sort of barrier between us, cause I think there was always like some unresolved like. I just wanted her to love me and see me and be able to hear me and she never really could Like she could handle the positive stuff, but she was a Pollyanna like, delusionally positive, which she was a joy to be around. But as her daughter, there were times when I wanted her to be nurturing and supportive of painful things I was going through and she just couldn't do it. And so there was. I was like, oh that I just accepted her for, for how she was. I really did admire her, but there was always like a little something, something holding me back and it was interesting after she passed away All I could see was just how amazing she was Right.

Speaker 1: 26:56

So to speak about how things were when I was growing up feels a little like. Of course, you'll never hear it, but it does feel like a little bit of betrayal. But I'm just stating facts. That's why I always say it's. And it's interesting, because when I interview people or when I have coaching clients, there's always this oh, this terrible thing happened. My parents made these mistakes. But they skip over the acceptance of the feelings and go right into but they did the best they could. And there is a middle step there about the acceptance of like, the acknowledgement, and the acceptance of how those actions like the acknowledgement and the acceptance of how those, how those actions like there was a consequence and the consequences. I experienced a lot of pain because of their actions.

Speaker 2: 27:44

Oh yeah, it's just an acknowledgement.

Speaker 2: 27:47

Yeah, but it's it's hard to talk. I mean, I think too in that process, especially to having a podcast and whatnot like that is those, that pain you went through because of the consequences. It's like of dealing with that in real time through somebody's process of recovery, because everybody's recovering from something. And then when you, I don't know, both my parents are still here. So I, my relationship with both of them shifted when I had a child and I just saw things differently. But there was a part pre my little dictator that I did go through that process of healing from the consequences. So it is, it's a weird thing, especially talking about your parents, and it is. It's just a complicated dynamic. Yeah, and mothers and daughters are, and mothers and daughters, it's a weird, it's a different relationship.

Speaker 1: 28:52

Yeah, yeah. And the father-daughter one was interesting because, like, like when I was little, my dad was my hero, but I've heard this before from other like when you start hitting puberty and you start becoming a woman, the way your father like treated me as I got older and I feel like my dad was like super old school, super religious, and I just felt like so he started doing this thing where I think he was trying to teach me critical thinking skills, but he was never on my side. Everything was always a debate, so I always was trying to prove myself. I always felt like I had no credibility or I was always trying to get his respect and he was really like very cerebral, so he was, but he always took the opposing side. Like I never felt like he was on my side.

Speaker 1: 29:46

So it like created like this really deep insecurity, this desperate need to try to gain respect and get people to hear me. It's like now I'm a podcast host, right, it's like I want people to hear me so much that I started a damn podcast and I write a book. You know what I mean. It's like it has affected me and it's a double-edged sword because the things that challenged me when I was growing up also became my superpowers when I was as an adult.

Speaker 2: 30:15

I've never heard that about the father changing like that when the daughter hit puberty, which makes a lot of sense now.

Speaker 1: 30:26

Yeah, especially, god bless, my dad. I didn't realize it till a lot later, but I think he had some pretty covert misogynistic ideology. He grew up in the Christian church, was super religious and he was a Marine and you know, do you know what I mean? Like? But he was also like the super nurturing, like sensitive one. He would tell a Bible story and start blubbering and crying and so he would cry at the drop of a hat. So he was kind of a living contradiction. But yeah, I think as a woman I wonder if he did not respect women, because he just did not ever. I was like why doesn't he respect my opinion?

Speaker 1: 31:07

I was as an adult I was like a subject matter on things like sobriety and stuff like that and had a decent amount of time and my father was, when he retired he used to teach ESL at the local jails, so English is a second language and so he was helping inmates get like their GED and stuff and he goes yeah, I always talk about my husband's name is Bob, always talk about Bob and his sobriety and blah, blah, blah and I was like, excuse me, I'm like 20 years sober.

Speaker 1: 31:37

Did you ever? Maybe it's a, it was a, it was a guy thing, he's talking to male inmates but it just struck me that it's like what do I got to do to get your respect as a person or subject matter authority on something? It was just never, I don't know. It was just kind of interesting. But the net effect was that I've had to mitigate or manage this internal inner voice, this critical inner voice that I have. But by the same token, because I was always debating my dad, I became a very good debater, like I became very good at like arguing and making my points. But it comes from this place of needing to prove myself.

Speaker 2: 32:28

Yeah, I resonate with this a lot. I truly do so. It is again. The father-daughter relationship is interesting as well. So to the dads listening out there, if you have a daughter, all we want is for you just to listen to us and take her side from time to time. That's all we want, because girls just want their dad's approval.

Speaker 1: 32:53

Yeah, and I'll give you the magical words to say it to your daughter. That's approval. Yeah, and I'll give you the magical words to say to your daughter I could see how you'd feel that way. Yeah, oh my God, any man that has a woman in his life. All we really want is our feelings validated I could see how you'd feel that way.

Speaker 1: 33:09

Maybe ask a couple of clarifying questions so that we feel like you're listening, so that we get that you're trying to understand, and then, oh, we could see how you'd feel this way. Actually, I feel like that works for everybody, to be honest.

Speaker 2: 33:24

Oh, absolutely, because all people want to do is be heard and seen. It's not like years ago, where it was a style of like with kids, where kids were seen but not heard.

Speaker 2: 33:36

So it's just like there's because every generation does the best that they can and they only learn from what they were taught. So and then you add to the military on top of that. I mean that's a total breakdown of a human being and then rebuilding to what you are expected to do, and I don't know what you're, I'm sure your dad served and yeah he was an officer, so he kind of went in a little older and didn't have to do anything. Crazy yeah my mom came from a sergeant major, so a southern at that too.

Speaker 2: 34:12

So I mean still to this day, I have to say to both my parents and I'm confused with my father because I'm like your parents weren't military, but I still have to say yes, ma'am, no, sir.

Speaker 2: 34:21

And I'm confused with my father because I'm like your parents weren't military, but I still have to say yes, ma'am, no, sir, and I'm 41. And they will correct me if I'm like, yeah, what you say, like, excuse me, all right, at this point, just shut the fuck up. But it's crazy because now my son because my son and my mom is naughty she'll FaceTime him a couple of times during the week, during lunch, and she's done this since he could sit there and FaceTime her, and so now he's repeating to her yes, ma'am, but it's just because he hears me, which is crazy, but anyway. So, yeah, isn't that funny. Yeah, so in the process, though, because I think this is a good one for people to hear, especially with long-term sobriety, in the process of 30 years, and you can tell me if you've done it, I would have to guess, especially just of what you said about the trauma work that you did, but that you have probably continued to work on yourself and work on issues that have come up over the past 30 years.

Speaker 1: 35:30

Yeah, I laugh because I used to think I was an easygoing girl. That.

Speaker 2: 35:31

I was like I'm not.

Speaker 1: 35:33

I'm so high maintenance, it's not even funny.

Speaker 2: 35:38

But high maintenance, and how does that look?

Speaker 1: 35:42

Yeah, I used to think high maintenance was one of those girls that had to go shopping every day and wear a ton of makeup and do their hair and eyelashes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Nails. All of a sudden, no, I'm the girl that needs to. I have a very intense morning routine. That's fine, yeah, but it's become like second nature. So I have what I would call a self-care smorgasbord where I have all kinds of tools, but I need to do at least three of them, and so, like today, my self-care was I do.

Speaker 1: 36:14

I have this book called the five minute journal and it's three things I'm grateful for, three things that would make the day great and a positive affirmation, and I fill it out every day and I take a picture of it and I send it to a friend and she sends me. She doesn't use the five minute journal, but she sends me her gratitude list, and so I'm always in, like contact with somebody. But I like the three things that would make the day great because it sort of gives me a target, because I cannot feel good about myself unless I achieve something throughout the day and I'm like you know what? I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting it, so I'm just going to pick the things that if I can get these things done I can rest easy and feel good about myself.

Speaker 2: 36:56

But I'm going to interrupt you there because this is a great point and I think more women you there because this is a great point, and I think more women especially need to stop fighting something that is a part of them, that makes them feel good. Okay, so like napping, if you were a napper and you need 30 minutes to lie down to an hour, stop fighting it, it's okay, that's just part of you. Need to recharge in that way. So, like same thing with you. You need to have those three things to get them done. What makes the day good and like yes, so stop fighting things that just make you feel better and have become a part of who you are.

Speaker 1: 37:37

Yeah, exactly, and usually self-care is one of those three things. But the self-care is a variety of things, so it can be prayer, meditation, journaling. I do this practice called manifestation journaling. It's kind of intensive, but, and then I do some sort of physical exercise, so it's just. There's a bazillion things I could do. I just do a minimum, at least three, and I have. I'm really lucky where I have freedom over my time, I can set my schedule and whatever. So I like to indulge in. I like to go outside and be in my garden and be in nature, and I do.

Speaker 1: 38:11

I have this app on my phone called Marco Polo. It's a video chat app, and so I have like two or three people that I'm current with that. I send videos to like every day. So I'm like current, like I'm connected. That's my way of connecting with people. Everyone's got a busy schedule and so it's nice to be able to sort of like video chat with somebody, and so there's just a lot of these.

Speaker 1: 38:33

I like to pull cards. I have a Gabby Bernstein deck that I actually have a few, but like those cards on the deck I have the universe has your back and super attractor. So when I'm a self-help junkie. I actually have a second podcast called the self-help junkie podcast, because, yeah, because I, since I got sober, I suddenly my mind, like getting sober was just the beginning, like that's when the world opened up to me, like all these teachers, and so I'm always learning something new and taking different actions, and it's like everything is about cause and effect, taking actions and stuff. So there are so many amazing books and podcasts and YouTube videos. There's just so much. I just love consuming that information. I get a little dopamine rush, but my thing is I want to apply it so that, instead of just listening and chit-chatting with friends about it, it's like how do we apply the information we're consuming?

Speaker 1: 39:35

So I forgot what your question was.

Speaker 2: 39:37

No no, no, it's okay. I mean, inflammation is key because and I fell into this last year when I was hitting my burnout I was just doing it to do it and reading it, to reading it, but I wasn't really taking in what I was reading, I wasn't living by it. So it is, you need to read it or do it and then add it into your life and make sure that you're doing it.

Speaker 1: 40:08

Yeah, the mindset shifts are really important, right? So I can listen to an audio book or a podcast and get the mindset shift, but if I don't have specific actionable tasks that I can do, then I'm not really applying it. So I feel like that's where the magic is is when I take action and apply this information, which is why I started doing the podcast. The podcast format is there's a topic and then there's three action items, and then we meet the next week and talk about did you do the action items? If yes, what were the outcomes? What did you learn? Which is so interesting to do it with somebody else, because they typically have an entirely different take. And if not, what got in the way? Like, why didn't you do it?

Speaker 1: 40:54

And so there's a little bit of problem solving around that, so it's just been. That's a fun project.

Speaker 2: 41:00

And there's accountability. Yeah yeah, so many people need, so I like it. I'm going to listen to your podcast and definitely check you might have to come on as a co-host.

Speaker 1: 41:10

My co-host, she, had a second podcast herself which has exploded, so she's not able to do it anymore. But I'll get you to come on and you can co-host me one time and we'll figure out some, some topic and some action items. It'll be fun.

Speaker 2: 41:25

For sure On that second podcast do you do? Cause I've wanted to do a second podcast and just do a business podcast, my favorite, yeah. So I wanted to do a business podcast and really on how to start an online business, specifically, and because I've been in it for nine years, so it's just like I want to share that. But do you do it on a weekly basis?

Speaker 1: 41:47

Or bi-weekly Okay.

Speaker 2: 41:49

Yeah, I want to do something where it's not like, because I do Sober Vibes weekly.

Speaker 1: 41:54

But yeah, yeah, me too. Yeah, the One Day at a Time podcast is weekly, but the Self-Held Junkie is biweekly. And, by the way, internet marketing stuff. I started doing that. It became an obsession of mine when my son was about two years old. I kind of fell into this internet marketing thing and it's been just like an absolute. He's 20 now, so if you ever need a co-host, yeah for sure so.

Speaker 2: 42:25

So if you ever need a co-host, yeah for sure. Well, I mean, because it's just every but like the point of views and what has worked for people and what hasn't, and especially to people who have been in the internet marketing game for a long time, compared to and I don't want to hate on anybody, but I'm just going to say this where now people having this very short-term success within a matter of like nine months, it's like that's all great, but that is not a reality for a lot of people. Where, being in it for a long time, you understand that creating a business isn't just catching a trend, right Like the longevity in it and of lessons learned and the do's and don'ts and all of that.

Speaker 1: 43:08

So yeah, you said you were going to name names, but did you want to?

Speaker 2: 43:12

No, I mean, it's just of what I see now. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 43:15

I see it too.

Speaker 2: 43:16

With digital marketing and people are confused now what digital marketing is, and it's like digital marketing is anything you sell on the internet. So there's a lot of confusion and then people just want to chase. When you're chasing those thousands of dollars and then that doesn't come to reality. Or you and I'm just going to say this from a person who has I have been bankrupt before. I have had like I've had money and been better a lot with my finances, but when you get that instantly like that, that is a recipe also to for a disaster for you to spend that money because you you haven't learned a lesson of, you haven't learned a proper money management. I should say.

Speaker 1: 44:01

Yeah, it's easy to ride the highs of yeah and then.

Speaker 2: 44:06

Right, and to customer service. A lot of people don't understand customer service, so it's like and a lot too of the digital marketing world of what I'm seeing it's like somebody had purchased a product and then there was like there's no follow-up, there's no customer service. And that's something I learned about customer service in the 20 something years I was in the restaurant business and my dad being in high management with Red Lobster for years, I mean. So I've just that's always been in my DNA, with customer service and understanding it.

Speaker 1: 44:39

I think what's so interesting, too, about this topic of women being self-employed or having a side hustle. It's like our economy is pretty, there's a lot of financial insecurity and you can absolutely develop a side hustle that brings in some money to give you a little bit of security. And, if we're going to be honest, when people are getting sober, sometimes our employment opportunities aren't always what they could be. Because of our drinking history, right Like I know women who have gone to prison who have to go into business for themselves because they can't get anybody to hire them. So there's a lot of reasons that it's a good idea to have some sort of an additional income stream, yeah, and not to mention that it's a good idea to have some sort of an additional income stream.

Speaker 2: 45:23

Yeah, and not in to mention that it's empowering. Like, at the end of the day, even I and I don't want, I don't. You don't have to chase thousands right, like your, your thing could be like I just need an extra $500. Like I just want an extra $500 a month to secure my retirement at this point because it's needed. Nowadays things are so expensive and also with the workforce now that's not guaranteed for people anymore. People aren't getting pensions. There's no 40-year job security anymore. Security anymore, it's a totally different ballgame. And 2020 has proven of just the remodel and restructure of the job force.

Speaker 2: 46:09

So I mean this is a whole nother conversation for a whole nother time, but I do enjoy talking about it. So, yes, when I start my business podcast. You're going to have to come on and I will come on to yours, but I did want to ask, before we wrap this up will come on to yours, but I did want to ask, before we wrap this up, for you to share your insight with the good people of the world and share on how to rebuild self-esteem after addiction, because that's huge, huge, huge.

Speaker 1: 46:31

Yeah, for me it's huge. So I developed this course. It was called Reinvent and the premise of the course this is from my 30 years of experience is that we only allow into our lives what we believe we deserve on a subconscious level. And it was so interesting how this correlates to sobriety. It's like when you get sober it's a period of reinventing yourself, like when I got sober, it was like I had this identity of being this fun party girl, like this wild party girl, and it was like a badge of honor. But when I got sober, it's like who am I now? Who am I? If I'm not going to be all that, then who am I going to be? And it was a process of like identifying my values and reestablishing some goals, like what is it that I really want? And it's so interesting and I see this all the time now it's like when I work with women who are just getting sober is they don't often know what they really want, like they don't have a purpose, like it's this feeling of being lost, right, and it's interesting because we sort of live in like this comfort zone. It's like we have this internal thermostat we don't get too high, we don't get too low. We kind of live in this comfort zone, and Gay Hendricks wrote this book called the Big Leap and he talks about the upper limit problem, right, and the upper limit problem really is tied to our level of self-worth, which is a little bit different than like self-confidence. Like, I deal with a lot of women who are really high achieving, high functioning, they are able to make a lot of money, they have nice cars, nice houses, private schools, all this stuff, but they feel terrible about themselves, and so that's the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. And self-esteem is really rooted in knowing your inherent worth, right.

Speaker 1: 48:16

Like one little exercise you could do if you don't really know what your values are is Google positive character traits, right, and you can get like a list and then kind of go through these lists and pick out 10 things that are important to you. Like, I recently did this exercise, 30 years sober. I did the exercise. I put a list out on my bathroom mirror where I could see it, and when I go to sit down and do my journaling in the morning, it's like where have I enacted those? Where have I exhibited those positive character traits? And so it sort of shifts my brain from focusing on what's not working or what's wrong, like that's that negativity bias. We have to focusing on what is working, because the truth of the matter is there's a thousand things that go right every day that we can be grateful for. It's really focusing your attention on what you do want rather than what you don't want.

Speaker 1: 49:12

So this process I have of I teach a class it's a self-esteem coursecom, I think is the website, but the basic premise is building the foundational tools of self-esteem, beginning with what are your beliefs? What is the subconscious mind? How do you reprogram your brain so that you start believing that you're worthy and deserving of receiving something better? Right? You're starting to develop your positive character traits, because that is what keeps you grounded. You don't get too high, you don't get too low, like you were talking about the success of the early rise, early success of people in business.

Speaker 1: 49:52

If that, if you are self-confidence based, which is based on performance when things don't go right, your confidence will tank and lead you into this downward spiral. But if you are more focused on your positive traits, what happens on the outside won't affect you as much and you can. I mean it will affect you because we're human but you will have a sense of groundedness and who you really are as your worth as a, as a human being, and that's that's the foundation that we build on. And the way I structure the class is that there's no homework. We do everything in class and people will show up for others. The funny thing about having a self-esteem class it's like, oh, join the self-esteem class, but if your self-esteem is low, you're like I don't feel like I'm worthy and deserving of it.

Speaker 1: 50:40

It's sort of a funny catch, a little 22. So the way around that is I offer. It's like if you sign up, you can bring a friend because people will do for others what they won't do for themselves. Oh yeah, 1000%, yeah, so all the class, all the work is done in class, you can bring a friend and we start with the foundation of how do you start changing your belief system to support you, as opposed to just sort of falling to the level of your conditioning that you had when you were growing up?

Speaker 1: 51:14

So, it's rewiring your brain, letting go of limiting beliefs and establishing practices that will raise your level of self-worth so you can start receiving, and really the receiving is the way we get. There is if we let go of all the things that no longer serve us, we let go of negative behavior patterns, we let go of people that are distracting and maybe toxic, we let go. I feel like recovery is more like letting go.

Speaker 2: 51:44

Yes, letting go and realigning with what feels good for you now, because, just like a thing of letting go of some things, I remember it to this day. It was a couple of years into my recovery, into my recovery, and I used to always wait till the last minute to get out of bed. So then I would be rushing, I'd be rushing, I would have to speed, to work like a mess, not eating breakfast, all that jazz, and it was something where it was like, after a couple of years I was like this doesn't feel good anymore. This feels like I'm still living back there, like this is this? This habit I've gotten in does not align with who I am and trying to show up to. So it's, yes, it's, it's absolutely dropping negativity that that doesn't fit you and that does go with people too.

Speaker 1: 52:38

Yeah, it really does. And and I just wanted to add that I had this mentor in my life who told me that recovery is about recovering your whole self, the good and the bad. And she would throw down the gauntlet and she would say, can you love your unlovable parts? And a lot of times I was like, no, of course not, but you cannot hate yourself. Well, you, you cannot hate parts of yourself. You can't simultaneously hold parts of yourself that you hate and parts that you love.

Speaker 1: 53:07

And so the internal family systems modality is recognizing that the parts that you hate are parts that were actually trying to protect you, maybe in the form of distraction or maybe in the even addiction is like a form of medication. These parts do from the pain that you're experiencing. But it's a way to sort of manage these parts so that they're no longer working against you and sabotaging your progress. People have that experience where you get really close to your goal weight right and then you sabotage and then you gain the weight back. It's like, well, there's a part of you that's trying to keep you safe by keeping you in that comfort zone within that thermostat right, it's a distraction. So there are techniques and modalities that you can use so that you can remove that upper limit problem and start realizing your dreams. And really that's the takeaway of today's message is that dreams do come true. Like not to be too Disneyland about it, but you absolutely can rewire your brain, you can achieve your goals and live and thrive, really, which is the goal.

Speaker 2: 54:17

Yeah, no, we like Disneyland around here, but no, I mean, I always like to say I mean it's not all rainbows and scrunchies and unicorns, but yeah, I mean, it's true. It's like, especially for people who enter in the space of sobriety, you are giving up one thing that is holding you back in more ways than one, and especially with your growth as a human being, and alcohol holds that. That holds you back in that in that sense, and so once you give it up, it's like it's so amazing because we get to live two lives in one. We get, we get the life where it was, in our active using days, and then we get to get the second life in active and sobriety, and it's a rebuild of who you want to be and build yourself up and grow and heal and move forward and you really can do whatever the fuck you want after you get sober, in the sense of like the sky is the limit for you.

Speaker 1: 55:24

In the most creative human beings on this planet come from, they quit alcohol and like just their world expands yeah, it's so funny I hearing this I've heard this many times that people who struggle with addiction issues are the average. They're smarter than the average there or whatever, and it's so interesting. It's like we have all this pent up energy and when we have sobriety, it's like we channel that energy. We're finally able to channel our energy and we are so creative and reach spectacular heights. We just need some boundaries and some guidance and it's amazing that energy takes you forward.

Speaker 2: 56:12

Right there, who was it? It was the episode with Mike Diamond I had on this podcast and he brought it and it was so true, and it may be just the addict brain in the best possible way, but he said he was like how did Robert Downey Jr go from nothing to Iron man? And I was like it's so true, it is so true, but that is just what is special and unique of people who enter in the space of sobriety, who had the addiction issues. It's like the sky is the limit for yourself. Everybody has their own version of what their lowest of low was right. And then it's like you can only go up from there once you stop using drugs and alcohol.

Speaker 1: 56:54

Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 2: 56:57

Well, where can people find you?

Speaker 1: 57:00

So my main hub is SoberLifeSchoolcom. There's links to the podcast and the self-esteem class. I have some free resources. There's a. There's a free guide how to what did I call it? It's like how to quit drinking 30 tips for your first 30 days. So it's just like real practical advice. If you're just starting out, that that's a great place to start us with this guide. It's like how to, to prepare your environment, how to talk to your friends and family, how to prepare for socializing, like how to deal with cravings. Those are, I think, some of the biggest things that people deal with when they're first getting sober. But the coaching I do is is really about getting to root cause and doing the deeper work. Yeah, for people that are already in long-term sobriety.

Speaker 2: 57:42

Yes, okay, I love it. Well, I will link everything in the show notes and thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing your expertise with us, and I really enjoyed this conversation Me too. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Thank you for listening you.