Sex Life CPR: The Cure for the Sex-Starved Relationship

Sex Life CPR. Have you been struggling with a sexless relationship? Do you feel sex-starved in your connection? My guest, the strategic relationship consultant Stephanie Mintz is here to help. We sit down to talk about how couple’s can get their sex life back on track. 

In this episode we discuss:

·       What kills couples’ sex life

·       Different types of intimacy

·       Signs your sex life might be struggling

·       How to address sex life issues

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https://talksexwithannette.com/home/sex-relationship-and-intimacy-coaching/

Email: annette@talksexwithannette.com

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:24

Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room talk and shots topic is sex life CPR how to reignite your partner's interest in sex. Look, I get questions all the time, people reaching out and saying Annette, how do I get my partner and I'm going to be honest with you, most of the time is how do I get my wife, how do I get my girlfriend to be interested in sex again? And look, guys, I can give you ideas for spicing up your life. All day long I can tell you how to spice up your sex life. But when it comes to bringing your sex life back from the brink of death or from its deathbed, that takes some next level expertise.

Speaker 1: 2:27

And, lucky for you, my guest today is an expert in sex life CPR. My guest is Stephanie Mintz. She has a background in marriage and family therapy, with a knack for unraveling the intricacies of human relationships. Armed with degrees from Emory University and Antioch University, her journey began with a passion for understanding the underlying dynamics of human interaction. She goes beyond traditional counseling, offering tailored strategies that propel clients towards tangible solutions, making the journey to healthier relationships both enlightening and efficient, and we like efficiency. Welcome.

Speaker 2: 3:16

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 3:17

Can you tell my listeners just a little bit more about you and what you do?

Speaker 2: 3:23

Absolutely. My background is as a licensed marriage and family therapist, but I will be honest with you Therapy is fantastic. It can be wonderful. It is about processing. That word processing is out there. A lot of people are hearing about it. I am so happy about that.

Speaker 2: 3:41

One of the things about processing, though, is it can take time. One of the things about processing, though, is it can take time, and so it can often feel, especially with couples. It can feel like you spend 50, 60 minutes once a week with your therapist and you unpack everything, you away, because the timer's up, and then you live your life again, and then you do it again, and you do that over and over, but your weekly daily life isn't changing as quickly, and I found that very difficult and not, as you said the word, efficient. So, in my practice, I started trying to do something different instead of processing questions. In my practice, I started trying to do something different. Instead of processing questions, I started asking content questions.

Speaker 2: 4:28

I want to know exactly what's going on Terms of sex, what is happening, what did you do right before you initiated? What were the conversations? What were the words that were said? I want to know specifics, and with that I was able to create strategies so that my clients could follow them and have a different result. And with that, I was able to create strategies so that my clients could follow them and have a different result. And what I found was also relationship tends to be help, tends to be general, and I find that people, when they have more specifics and know what to do and follow steps, they're able to really, really delve into it, really focus and get to see the results. And so I found it incredibly successful. I pulled out the strategies out of my therapy practice and started the strategic relationship consulting company that I have now, and it's all based on how do you make the changes? How do you increase your sex life? How do you increase intimacy? What is intimacy? Because intimacy most people talk about two things, so I'm very excited to get going and to tell you all about it.

Speaker 1: 5:31

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about sex. Yeah, listeners, stay to the end, because, well, if you are struggling to get your partner to bang and have great sex, by the end of this podcast, you are going to have a launching pad for tonight. You are going to be one step closer to getting to have sex with your partner tonight. That is our goal and, as always, if you are listening right now, don't forget to check out my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti, because you can go over and see the lovely women who are giving you this very important advice. So let's do it.

Speaker 1: 6:08

Let's talk about sex Cheers. What are some of the reasons that partners stop wanting to have sex?

Speaker 2: 6:17

You're not spending time, actual time, you're not spending quality time. So the idea is we start to lose connection, which has to do with intimacy, when we aren't actually spending the time and enjoying somebody. There is a very big difference between quality time and time together. Okay, and they're both very, very important in terms of a relationship, and what happens is mostly it ends up being time together or well. There's five categories of time or it's with other people, so whether it's with kids or family members or friends, but it is not quality time. The difference is quality time is two people, only the two of you, no kids, no anybody else, and you are focused on each other. One person isn't distracted by the phone. Somebody isn't distracted by the TV. You aren't reading, you aren't anything. You are actually focusing on each other and enjoying and doing something together. Okay, and it's doing right. There's a big piece of this that is about doing. Time together is important and happens a lot, but it's very different. That is where you may both be in the same room and maybe even you're sitting next to each other on the couch. Maybe your wife or your girlfriend's legs are draped over you and she's on her phone and you're watching TV and that's wow, that's quality time. Look it, we're touching, we're here, we're all of that. However, she's focused over here and you're focused over here and you may say, oh hey, look at this funny thing on TV. Or oh, look at this post. Somebody just wrote you might just be having little bits of conversations here and there, but you're not focused on each other. So it is actually really not quality time and those two get very much interchanged and they are very different.

Speaker 2: 8:04

And if you think about COVID, what was COVID? Covid ended up being timed together. Covid was most likely not from quality time. Covid was really unusual. It was the first time in the time of man okay, in the history of man that anybody spent 24-7 days and weeks on end together. There were hunters and gatherers and the wives who were staying home with the kids. Nobody spends 24-7 ongoing together for weeks, months, years. This was new.

Speaker 2: 8:38

So during COVID, people were trying to deal with work from home. They were having homeschooling. If they were kids, they were stressed, they were scared. There was anxiety, there's fear, there was people getting sick. You were just trying to make it through. You were existing. So by the end of the day, when you finished with work and kids finished with school, and if they went, all you want to do is sit on the couch and watch movies Netflix, that was big and eat something, and that was time together. That was not quality time, and so it turns out during COVID, even though people were spending more time than they had ever ever spent together, people actually became the most disconnected than ever. Divorce rates, domestic violence on the surface makes no sense because people were spending so much time together, but when you actually look at what the time was, it wasn't a romantic connection, so people became more like maybe roommates, co-parenting together and just getting through this crisis together. That's not sexy that's not romantic.

Speaker 2: 9:43

Um, when did you want to have the most sex with your partner? Was probably first, when you were first met, right when you were first dating. That's when you were ready to go. You couldn't wait for that first kiss, first time you had sex. And when you had sex the next time, forget about going out. You just wanted to get to the sex. Why? Well, up until each of those points, you were doing fun things together. You were laughing, you were smiling. Of those points you were doing fun things together, you were laughing, you were smiling. You were asking questions, you were getting to know them, you were interested in them, you were putting your best foot forward. You were putting on perfume or cologne, whatever it might be, and you were putting that effort and you were excited. And you would go to concerts, you'd go to movies, you'd go miniature golfing I'm old school, you miniature golfing, I'm old school. You would do all of these things and you'd have fun. But when you don't have those things, are you really going to get, you know, motivated? And there's a difference between.

Speaker 2: 10:34

So let's talk about being horny. Yeah, we talk about being horny. Oh, yeah, okay, all right. So, yes, when we're younger, the horniness level is is much higher, right, although women's peaks later. They their, their, theirs can go up a little bit later, which which is an interesting piece and different. But the truth of the matter is, as we get older in our bodies and things like that, things also change. So one we always want to rule out medical there's something going on that can be fixed in a physical way. Let's have at it and take a look. Then, after that, we want to look at what's going on.

Speaker 2: 11:09

Now there is what I describe a mental bear with me for a second. I talk about a mental horniness and a physical horniness, okay, and women out there, if you're listening, you might understand what I'm talking about, more than men, not being rude, but it just sometimes what happens. So we have that physical piece that happens. That's a stir inside of us, that it's just this, this, this piece that we need to like, we need to satiate, right, and it's just, and that's that physical feeling, that's a stirring within us, right. And some people, they get that a lot or they get that more. That's where their drive for sex comes from, is more from that.

Speaker 2: 11:50

There are other people who, when they feel connected to somebody, when they feel loved by somebody, when they feel valued and special, when that person makes them feel sexy and feel good about themselves. They look at and they're attracted to the person. It's almost like they're mentally, they're mentally stimulated in a sexual way. It's it. This is not medical or scientific, but it's more this oh, I'm kind of interested. That kind of sounds good.

Speaker 2: 12:16

And then from their head it kind of seeps on down to the actual physical horniness and so everybody's ways of where they start, when they get in the mood, is different. So there's a few different things we've got. We've got whether you go from physical to emotional. So some people they have sex and then they start feeling more intimate and close to somebody emotionally. And some people go and once they're more emotionally feeling connected, then they really desire the sexual and then you have the also the actual horniness piece of it, which is sometimes people get stirred up physically and then maybe there's a mental piece or not. And then other people they literally thinking about it is really what kind of gets them going. And then they feel it and we need to figure out what each person's um, each person's roadmap is right.

Speaker 2: 13:12

What do you need first and what gets you from point A to point B and we need to look at those. And it is never about forcing somebody to have sex when they don't want to. We said again, it is never forcing somebody to have sex when they don't want to. So we need to look at what is the end goal. If the end goal is sex, then let's be efficient with us. What is the direct route to get to sex? If you try to put somebody in the mood just by trying to kiss them and fondle them and whatever, and they're not in the mood, the chance of you getting to them wanting to actually have sex? Probably not. You may have to feel like it's a detour to take the emotional route first, but you will get your end result more quickly if you go there first. So we need to find everybody's roadmaps and then we need to find the most efficient way to get to your end destination.

Speaker 1: 14:02

And isn't it true that men in particular tend to sort of have the physical stirring first and then just want to bang, whereas women tend to and this is a generalization, but I feel like it's a pretty common generalization, that's true that women we tend to want to be emotionally stirred, and then that emotional like, whether it's romantic or sensual, or we want to be wooed into having sex, and certainly there are times when we're just in the mood and we want to like bang.

Speaker 1: 14:44

But I feel like the longer we're in a relationship, the less that tends to happen. So my question would be like why, with the length of the relationship? You know, like I know right now I'm single, I've been single for quite a while and like my body is like I'm just like I'm having to rub one out all of the time and I just have that physical stirring. But I know that I've been in plenty of long-term relationships where it's like where did that go? Why is that being stamped out? And now I just need someone to like get me there. Do you know what causes that fizzle?

Speaker 2: 15:24

So, if you think about it, there's a couple of things that happen. One is when we get out of the habit of something, we kind of get used to it without it. Some people and I think when people are in relationships, if there's been a long time that's gone by that there hasn't been sex so much as you think you want it, sometimes you're just almost used to it without it. And sometimes it's having to get over the hump and yes, pun intended and almost getting back into the routine. We almost forget how good it can feel. And I know that can sound totally, probably bizarre to some people, but when people are in relationships for long periods of time and marriages, that it does you just life takes over. Look, fun is relinquished usually to kids. When we think of fun, kids get fun. Is fun at the top of our list as adults? No, typically not, because we have so many other responsibilities and so we think, oh, we're not supposed to. So fun gets pushed down to the bottom when actually fun is. Why are we living if there isn't right? What is the point of life, so to speak? You know we need to have fun, but there's so much in our lives, so instead, on a daily basis. We get through everything and by the time the end of the day people are tired, right, and to muster that extra strength to kind of get into it after you haven't for a while can get more difficult. But what I do find is once people kind of like push themselves that first time and then it's like, oh my gosh, what was I thinking? This is amazing. And then it still might be pushing a second time and it's almost a habit, routine, which sounds strange, because when you're single and when you're dating, that is not your mindset, but it does tend to happen. Why I just think life takes over. You know, when we're dating or when a relationship is new, we can kind of a little bit put the rest of our lives on the back burner a little bit. We tend to have the excitement of the newness, we have the excitement of all of this, and that's much more fun than thinking about paying the bills and driving through traffic. I'm in LA driving through traffic and all those other things. But at some point we have to flip back into the reality and focus on what we need to, and so then the rest of our lives kind of become a little bit more humdrum and I think our bodies maybe just kind of fall into that.

Speaker 2: 17:44

There's also a piece that if somebody has been rejected several times, and even if it's legitimate rejection, even if somebody is legitimately tired or legitimately has a headache, if you get told no a few times, you're going to want to stop. And what's the point of feeling those feelings or letting yourself go there, hope there, because it's not happening. So it's a combination of a lot of, I think, a lot of different things. It also after a while with the same partner. It's the same partner. You kind of know their buttons, you kind of know their stuff. If you want to go fast, you know how to do that. You want to take time. It also doesn't have that same newness of getting to know somebody's new body, right, and then getting to know yours, and so that is where keeping it interesting and making sure you're doing things. And it doesn't have to be crazy, it can be.

Speaker 2: 18:32

Everybody's comfort level is different, but basically there has to be a focus on the relationship and it starts with a focus on the relationship or marriage to ultimately be able to get more sex. So I do want to talk about there's three types. So everybody's heard of sex. I call that sexual intimacy because I like to break it down. People have tended to hear about emotional intimacy, so that's number two and that's the second part of intimacy and emotional intimacy. Just in case anybody's listening, the way I talk about it is that's that knowing somebody at their deepest core level, admitting to them things you don't even like to admit to yourself. They know things that nobody else does. You feel like you're not going to be judged, you feel safe. It is just a full on safety, deep connection at the most.

Speaker 2: 19:23

Okay, there is something, a third one that doesn't get talked about enough, which I call affection intimacy, and what that is is. It's a physical touch, but not leading towards sex, not with the intention of sex. It is holding hands, it's a hug, it's a arm around the shoulders, it's a putting your hand on somebody's knee while you're sitting next to them. It's a kiss on the cheek, it's a peck on the lips. It could be a slap on somebody's knee while you're sitting next to them. It's a kiss on the cheek, it's a peck on the lips. It could be a slap on the butt. Some people that's sort of their interaction. It's a and it's the idea of I love you, I'm connected to you, I want you to know that I'm feeling that and I just need some physical touch. But I'm not thinking of sex, isn't in that category and it's that other piece, and it's this middle piece I feel. It's emotional affection and then sexual and they all go together and everybody's needs. The degree of how much they need of each is different and what order they need them is is different, right? And so that's where it's very much.

Speaker 2: 20:29

I talk about scaling and I work with my clients and I say look, let's get out first, get on the same page. What order are you? Are you affection, then emotion, then sex? Are you sex, emotion, affection? What order are you? The next piece is what does it mean? What's your comfort zone? Some people, what do you need? How much of it?

Speaker 2: 20:49

So some people like, on a scale of like 10 being, there is not possible to have any more sex in this world. Where are you on the scale of what your desire for your life? To have sex in it Is it a 10? Like 10 just needs to be, and we want to look at frequency and we also want to look at enjoyment, okay, and so I break this all down. So we've got emotional intimacy, we've got affection intimacy, and then for sex, we've got frequency and we also have enjoyment. Okay.

Speaker 2: 21:20

So we want to look at where are you currently on a scale of one to 10, 10 being I'm at the highest level. I couldn't want any more. This is this, is this is this is so, how much. So somebody may only want like a six in terms of emotional intimacy, it's not as important. Some people might want that's like they're nine or 10. They're like I need to be there.

Speaker 2: 21:42

So we want to look at where are you currently?

Speaker 2: 21:44

And I'm going to take a guess that people, if men, if the women in your lives, are not wanting sex as much, I am going to take a guess, but I'm going to tell you not to guess that they are maybe not feeling like they are getting enough emotional and affection intimacy. So if you were to scale what you think you're currently at in terms of emotional intimacy and they were to, and you'd say on a scale of one to 10, what would you be? And they're like well, I'm at a four, not feeling like we have much of it, and for me to be fully satisfied in my relationship, I need like a nine. Okay, that's a big jump. It's giving you that idea. So you want to do current affection and some people are uncomfortable. I've actually met some people that are uncomfortable with affection. They don't like holding hands, they don't like doing that, and that is important to recognize, because if your partner is wanting that and you're not doing that, it doesn't mean you have to. But now you know why you're not getting sex.

Speaker 1: 22:38

Yeah, it's so interesting as I reflect on my own life and experience. I was married for a very long time and then I have been in a long term committed relationship sense and this resonates so deeply. I, when I was young, was a very like PDA. I loved touch. The affection piece was so important to me and I ended up with partners who really, like they, were uncomfortable with that they, you know, and I so I learned to not do that in order to keep them happy. I'm also on, if I I can have sex with people that I'm not emotionally deeply connected to, but I rarely orgasm from it Like it's it's a work for me to orgasm, okay.

Speaker 2: 23:31

So the connection is what gets you to orgasm Absolutely and and to.

Speaker 1: 23:42

I like that you broke it down to having sex versus having a lot of pleasure. If I'm going to have a lot of pleasure, I mean I can have fun having sex and not being emotionally connected, like it's like, okay, well, this is fun, I'm probably going to have to, like go home and masturbate afterwards to get the orgasm, but it's fun. It's like, um, you know entertainment, but I'm probably not going to have an orgasm. If I do have an orgasm, it's going to be like eh, that was nice, but it's not going to be this body rocking ongoing orgasm. It is the emotional connection piece.

Speaker 1: 24:14

But something else I was going to ask you when we're talking about causes for, specifically women but anybody maybe wanting less sex, along with one of those pieces being out of whack, but specifically when we talk about the emotional connection, out of whack. But specifically when we talk about the emotional connection, I have found that even if I feel I'm very emotionally connected to someone and have a deep emotion, we have a deep emotional relationship. If there's unresolved conflict in that emotional piece that isn't being resolved or dealt with, or there's fear in dealing with it, that makes it very hard for me to want and enjoy sex and get into my most sexy self.

Speaker 2: 24:59

Well, yeah, I mean, if you think about it, I mean that makes sense. The good news is it makes sense. It's not good, but the good news is it makes sense in terms of if you're having resentments, if you're feeling like there's still things that they're doing that are really upsetting you and you are I think this is what I'm hearing you say you're genuinely emotionally connected with them, but there's still conflicts, there's still maybe resentments, there's needs that aren't getting met in other aspects in your life. Are you going to want to like open yourself up and like have this great fun time with somebody, and this you know? No, so that's also a piece of it. So, and part of the emotional connection is how to communicate, to work through and resolve things.

Speaker 2: 25:39

So a lot of what I do I will be honest with you is I specialize in communication within helping people with relationships, because everybody's heard communication is key. It is way more than people realize. It is the pillar of a relationship. Almost all problems in a relationship will have some aspect, usually a large aspect, of communication, and here's the thing. What's really interesting is and I just had a couple confirm this with me is that I talk about that even if you are commune, if you are having conversations about difficult things, like not particularly happy topics, because you're you're not agreeing that in that communication and doing it respectfully, having it peacefully, feeling connect, it actually helps you feel connected to your partner, even if you're having difficult conversations. So that creates a connection.

Speaker 2: 26:33

And so the more you communicate and the ways you communicate and I have lots of strategies about that are all ways that also help you with your connection, which then helps you with the intimacy, which helps with the intimacy. They all go together. But what I've really found is it starts with the communication. So if what you were saying was if you were still having conflicts and resentments, then even though the emotional intimacy, that deep connection, was there, you were having disconnect problems because the communication, because there were issues, so they kind of some of this has to also go in sort of an order, and so that's where, sorry guys, you might not be having sex right away tonight, but you are now going to get strategies and game plans on how to help you get there, because sometimes it does take time putting in the effort to set it up in a way to be able to get there, and so, absolutely, who's going to want to feel sexy with somebody that they're actually like, really frustrated.

Speaker 1: 27:27

I mean preferably you're going to catch a loss in sexual intimacy and sex with your partner happening earlier, right, you don't want to like miss that they're starting to lose interest, until they've lost interest and then, like I said at the beginning, have to bring your sex life back from the grave. So what are some signs upfront early on that you can look for and say okay, I see our sex life heading in this negative direction, I see it kind of dying off? So you can catch it early on and then implement strategies that we'll get to.

Speaker 2: 28:10

So you want to pay attention, if your partner is somebody who tends to initiate, or at least contributes to being an initiator, if they are initiating less Any changes, you're going to want to focus on changes in pattern. None of these mean there's a problem with your sex life. There's a problem in your marriage. So we don't want to jump to conclusions, okay. First is just being aware and going wow, they're not initiating. Or when I'm asking, I'm getting rejected a lot more than than usual. Um, they seem to be maybe in a bad mood, but you know, they seem to be more. They sadder than usual, maybe they're, you know, or more stressed than usual. And am I noticing that they're kind of getting more annoyed with me more and we're having sex less?

Speaker 2: 28:56

You know how is the connection outside of the bedroom? Because if you start to realize, wait, I think I'm not sure about this then it's an immediate prompt to have a conversation. And it's just a conversation. It's not an accusatory you never want to go in accusatory or judging or anything it's just sharing, saying you know, I don't know about you, but all of a sudden it dawned on me and I was just starting to notice I feel like we're a little bit more disconnected or I feel like, you know, I, you know, our sex life is, you know, and I really want to have. Is there something I'm missing? Or how, excuse me, how can we help? You know, look at this, but it is. It's going to be an awareness and partly what happens is because life gets so crazy. We tend to not notice until it's a neon red sign in our face.

Speaker 1: 30:30

Right, right. I think that that's the thing is. We ignore or we explain away little changes until we're in it and we're like Jesus this is, this is bad, All right. So you woke up to the fact that your sex life is it's got one foot in the grave and you want to start making changes. You've reached out to me and said Annette, how do I get my partner to want sex? They don't want sex. What are some strategies you can start implementing now, Because it is going to be a path back to good sex? Where do we start?

Speaker 2: 31:14

I start with some conversations. Okay, and I know that can be daunting and that's where I come into play with helping a lot of people with conversations. But in general, you want to keep conversations. So here's some key things about conversations. Conversations mean it's an openness right. If you go in direct at somebody and start coming more direct with them, it's going to basically create maybe a possible defensiveness and close the conversation and it's going to be harder to open it again.

Speaker 2: 31:43

So great words to use when you are going to approach this is. I'm curious and I'm wondering and sharing. I wanted to share something. I'm curious about this. I'm noticing this. These are all rounded, soft words and they're open. They're like a bowl. They're more open as versus. Why aren't you doing this? You know we haven't had sex in a while. What's going on? You are coming straight out that person and that person's going to be. You need to come in more open with just just. I'm trying to create a dialogue. So just that's a general aspect to keep in mind in having any conversations.

Speaker 2: 32:20

Talk about sex is also very, very it's a very vulnerable place and everybody's comfort comfortable, comfortability, sorry is different, so you want to be able to be aware of that as well. Hopefully you know your partner to some extent in terms of how to approach some of it. You can start with be a giver, say you know, hey, you know I was, you know you're looking really good, I'm really you know. I'm kind of kind of give them some insinuation you'd like sex and say you know I wanted to do something special. I want to make sure you're feeling really good, I want to make sure you're happy and everything. Is there anything I can do to make you feel good? Put it and give them, open it to start the conversation. We want to start to find out. Are they needing more emotional intimacy? We want to start to find out. Are they needing more emotional intimacy? Are they not feeling the effect or not getting the affection intimacy? Are the, is the sex getting more boring for them? We want to find out the information.

Speaker 2: 33:25

But if you pose it in a positive way of saying you know, do something special for you. I want to make you feel good. You know, I don't see. Is there something I don't know? Is there something I can do that would be different, that would make you feel good? You know, I don't see. Is there something I don't know, is there something I can do that would be different, that would make you feel good? You know, do you do you feel close to me? Is there something I can do? Do I give you enough kisses? Do I tell you I love you enough? Do you feel like I'm open enough? You know, is there something in the bedroom that you know you, you like that I do that, maybe I can do, we can plan and I can maybe do tonight. Do it instead of a we're not doing something or we're having a problem.

Speaker 2: 34:02

Approach it as a positive and it's just the big way of opening this conversation. Okay, so you're just looking for an opening. I do think that scaling can be super helpful, but you don't want to go direct and say, hey, on a scale of one to 10, you know, where are you feeling with the emotional intimacy right now and what would you like? They're going to be like woohoo. Instead, if you can open this and start to have them start talking about what they like, what feels good, then you can say you know I was thinking about it. Or you can even say you know I've been thinking about it and I want to be the best partner I can be. Again go in with the positives for them.

Speaker 2: 34:39

So I heard about this thing, this idea of you know kind of seeing what our needs are in different areas, and somebody this woman talked about emotional intimacy and affection intimacy, and then she talked about sex and frequency and enjoyment. How would you feel if we just tried this out? You know, I want to see what I can be doing more for you. For you know, can you? And then ask them and scale it, fun with it. You know, get a bottle, you know glass of wine and sit on the couch and you know, kind of have some fun with this a little bit. Don't make it a heavy, negative, right.

Speaker 2: 35:11

And the idea is you're going to scale, you know, on a scale of one to 10 of where you, you know how important and what emotional intimacy is for you. Where are you now? Okay, and what? How important is it? Where would you like to be? Okay, that's good to know. I have a lot that I can be doing. That's great.

Speaker 2: 35:26

And eventually what you're going to get to is you're also going to get to details. So everybody's version of emotional intimacy, affection intimacy, might be a little bit different. So you go, I am there, I'm all for it. I want to do more. I'm doing what I know, so I realize I must be missing something. Is there? Can you share with me some things that might be helpful, you know? Do you want me to give you more hugs? Do you want me to hold hands with you? Are there things that you like that more so? Of the affection, intimacy? Is there something you want for the emotional intimacy? And get more details. The more details, the easier it will be. I'm all about details. When I work with my clients, you can do something when you have the information. The more detailed, the easier it is to find the strategy for it. One last thing I want to throw in there, though.

Speaker 2: 36:14

Um, and this is just a another piece of this, so when I talked about frequency and enjoyment of sex, I want you to and maybe we could talk about this another time, because it's kind of fun um, I have a concept called um, lazy river sex versus amusement park sex. Okay, we want to look at what kind of sex you're having, and is it the kind that the person is really wanting? Okay, is somebody? Are you wanting quickies too often? And they are just not like. They're like, I'm good with some, but this is too much. Or I want a little bit more experimentation. We're not experimenting enough. So the enjoyable is also.

Speaker 2: 36:52

On what aspect of that Is there something, an adjustment where sex is good, but maybe the type of sex, the variety switching up, it's not balanced enough and kind of going there. So it's emotional intimacy scaling, affection intimacy scaling, sexual frequency scaling where are you now versus how much you know? Where do you want to be? And then the enjoyment scaling. And then what does that look like? Do you want more making love? Do you feel like we're doing too much experimenting or not enough? Is that role play? Is it toys? Is it locations? Whatever that might be? But you want to do some data, information gathering. Kind of doesn't sound romantic or sexy, but it's going to get you to what you ultimately want to get to.

Speaker 1: 37:37

Yeah, I think that that's really important to know what kind of sex your partner wants to have and be willing to do that, especially if you want to revive the sex life. So I guess that brings me to kind of the big question so your sex life has petered off and one partner at least doesn't really want to have sex anymore. And then you start asking the questions and I like that you said make it a positive thing, because I have found when I haven't been wanting sex and my partner's like why don't you want to have sex anymore? I'm like it's not that I don't, I'm just tired, Like I basically lie and it's not lying.

Speaker 1: 38:23

It's just like I don't feel like I can open up and say because I am not in the mood with you anymore, like I don't fantasize about you anymore, I don't find you interesting, like it seems like more work than pleasure, and why do I want to add more pleasure to my? How do you say that to a partner.

Speaker 2: 39:25

You actually need to, because if you don't tell the truth you're going to get stuck. So one of the things I was also going to say sorry, I know I'm interrupting, but I just want to catch it right there is also be specific. If somebody says no to sex, it is better to be specific because otherwise the person can internalize it that they're no longer attracted. So let's say that wasn't the case. But let's say you were stressed one night and you had a headache the next night and you were tired the next night and the next morning you had to get up early and you said no person is going to stop asking and they're going to start thinking you're not attracted to them and you don't want to have sex, when actually you do. There was a legitimate reason. So it is about being honest, so that you can take this stuff in. But how you're going to say what you just said would be very important because, yes, that could be hard for somebody to hear.

Speaker 1: 40:11

What if you start to feel not sexually attracted to your partner? I think women have this happen a lot. They're like I know he's good looking and I don't find him repulsive and I like him enough, but I have zero interest in having sex with him, like I have to think of something else when I'm having sex with him. And I and I'm sure for men it happens that way as well. I can only speak from my very female experience, of my very womanly experience. What happens when that starts? What do you do? Is there, is it? Can you bring your relationship back and fix that? If that has started to happen?

Speaker 2: 40:55

The cool first questions I would have is where was there something that sparked it? So, is there something outside in the relationship, outside the bedroom, outside of the physical that is? Is there resentment? So if you're feeling resentful, if you're feeling like I have too much of the responsibilities and they're not doing as much of the housework or whatever it is that this is just I'm being taken advantage of, whatever those are, there's a chance you are now going to not see this person as sexy because you have these negative feelings.

Speaker 2: 41:25

So, even though maybe they are legitimately sexy and when you were happy with them you found them sexy, if you are having negative emotions about them and negative feelings in other ways, it may affect how you see them physically. Right, I don't know if you've ever had the experience, but somebody you see who you were never attracted to at all, and you get to know them and then all of a sudden they become sexy. You're like I actually see them and they look sexy now and they absolutely didn't before. So can it go the other way that if you're feeling negative about them, they're going to look less sexy? So then it's about fixing the other things also in the marriage? Maybe it's also. Then is there a feeling of they're not making you feel sexy, right? Are they not complimenting? Are you are not saying you know, I God, I just wish I could grab you right now? Are they not giving you that feedback and so are you not getting what you need in lots of different emotional ways to view them as somebody that turns you on?

Speaker 1: 42:24

Right. And I would say, oftentimes what happens is the sexiness has gone out of the relationship, and oftentimes it is especially with heterosexual cis. Heterosexual men like they don't know how to maintain the sexiness after the chase is over, like in the chase phase of being into a woman boy. They know how to turn it on, but then, once they have acquired that woman, they don't know how to maintain the sexiness. It's like if the sexiness isn't in the chase phase anymore, it's like it's not there. And so, as the woman who's now, if the sexiness isn't in the chase phase anymore, it's like it's not there. And so, as the woman who's now in the relationship and like in love and like into this guy, suddenly they seem to change and you start accepting it and accepting it.

Speaker 1: 43:13

And then one day you wake up and you're like I don't feel attracted to you anymore, like I, like this isn't sexy. This is weird, sad, and I want to feel wanted, I want to feel desired, and that's something that has to be maintained. It's not something you can. You know, I think at the beginning you were saying like you can have a conversation and say to the woman um, hey, I'm kind of in the mood. What can I do to make you feel good? But I think that needs to be happening all of the time. Like the thing is, you can't just get in the mood to fuck and then be like, hey, what can I do to make you feel good Because I want to put my dick in you, because the woman's going to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you need to start like last week. Man, like giving me a little back rub right now is not going to do it.

Speaker 2: 44:03

I needed to hear how gorgeous I was all week.

Speaker 2: 44:06

Well, because that feels more selfish. Yes, that is no longer really about the other person, it feels more about them. If you do it for the long run, it feels like it's a balance between both people getting their needs, all right. So here's the thing Two people I don't know for anybody if they're actually watching the YouTube. I'm doing stuff with my hands here. I've got two hands facing each other. You've got two people.

Speaker 2: 44:32

If you have one person who focuses on the needs of the other person okay, and then this person focuses on the needs of the other person, then the amazing thing is both people's needs get met, and they get met in a connected, non-selfish giving way, but their needs are getting met. You can also have, and the problems become if you have one person who's giving and not thinking of the other person. The other person's thinking of themselves. It all goes in one direction, and that will not work. It's not sustainable. The other one, though, which is, I think, what happens a lot, is we have two parallel people. They're getting their needs met, but they're getting that they're making their own needs get met. So, yes, they're getting their needs met, but they're doing it in a way that's keeping them separate and they're living parallel lives, right? So if you think about in a sex for sex, that yes, in the longterm, giving a back rub and not expecting sex, you know, and the next state going and getting the woman's car filled with gas, tell you that could do, you know, or some unexpected thing that makes her life easier, that may not seem like it makes any sense to people, but that actually can be a huge deal.

Speaker 2: 45:39

Doing something you know, taking off their list, and you do those, and it might be like, oh my gosh, I'm doing all these things for this other person, but you are getting to going to have really good sex because this person is appreciating all of this and, along the way, there's a good chance they're also doing nice things for you too. But what this is going to do is you are each going to get needs met. You're going to feel good about the other person and they're going to feel good about you, and then that is the steamy. That's the steamy stuff. But it cannot be. If I do this, I get this.

Speaker 2: 46:11

We are not looking for tit for tat. That does not work in marriages either in many aspects, and so this is a long game. All right, this is not. This is not a sprint. This is a marathon of sex. That's a good marathon. I don't like marathons. I'm not a runner. This is a sex marathon, okay, which means just think about them, and if you're with the right partner, they will be doing the same for you, and this goes in all aspects of a relationship of just doing for the other.

Speaker 1: 46:37

I like how at the beginning of the podcast, you said figuring out when it comes to emotional intimacy, affection intimacy and physical intimacy. Figure out where it is you want and need to be on each of those in a committed, long-term relationship. If I'm going to choose to do that at some point in my life I have I want like deep, steamy emotional connection. For me that is like sort of the gold right, the good stuff. It's hard to find and when I find it I'm like I'll bring the rest right. But when I got married years ago I did not realize that my partner didn't have that emotional intimacy capacity or interest. That emotional intimacy capacity or interest or even what felt like to him to be a deep emotional connection, did not feel the same to me. My capacity for that, my want for that, my need, my hunger for that was way deeper. Similarly, I love the affection part and if someone's touching me, a hand on my lower back, holding hands, holding the door open for me, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1: 48:13

Where I excel at giving and it's why I do this podcast is I'm like an incredibly sensual person, like I will have all kinds of sex with you and make you feel like you know, and that's where, if you are, if you are connecting with me in those areas, for me the other part it's like easy. But if I'm not hitting it with you on those parts, then I'm just like, oh, like, why would I want to, why would I want to spend time, and it just I can't, I can't get there. So I feel like that's so key when you are thinking about committing to someone and we, you know, we really downplay the importance of the sexual connection. We, you know, like I'm good friends, we have fun doing these things, but you don't like sit and think, oh, also for longevity, there needs to be intimacy and romance.

Speaker 1: 49:11

Sitting and figuring out well, where is this person when it comes to emotional intimacy? And, in comparison to me, can you fix a mismatch? I mean, I definitely, to this day, have never fixed a mismatch. I can own that Like. I've never figured out like, oh, we aren't, we aren't firing on these levels, and I, so I, my pussy is like uh-uh, uh-uh, find something else, and I've never been able to correct that.

Speaker 2: 50:06

Well, so this is the. This is a maturity in relationships. We're having these kinds of conversations, recognizing it. And here's the thing the guy who's with you is going to sound like have incredible sex. They just need to go first. Somebody's got to go first. So if they just put in the effort of the emotional right and some of the affection, they're going to get what they want. So, is it worth? Do you have all of the other aspects that they want in a relationship? Do they wish that you were a physical first and the other stuff not as much? Yeah, that would be easier, absolutely, but rare to find somebody you match up with so well.

Speaker 2: 50:49

So if you match up on all these things but you are in this and you go, okay, if you can just go first, if you can do the giving first and you get, you know, focus on this you are going to get this. It might not be in step one, it might be in step three, but I'm telling you we're going to be there and then we have everything else. So is there? It's a person who has the patience and the long-term thinking of going. If I just focus on, I need somebody who needs to match up and want sex exactly the way I do and is not as and we match up on all the other things in life. That's a lot versus this person's amazing. And I know if I just do my part and if my part is I focus here and her part is she's going to focus on the sex when she feels that then we get everything met.

Speaker 2: 52:09

But it is about talking about it to make sure or recognizing all right, we've got a plan. Now we just need to follow the plan you look at and we're going to work on the emotional. Give me a little bit of extra time. We're going to get there. Once we got that, guess what we're going to add in some affection. You're going to be getting sex. The more affection you add in, the more you're going to get. But sometimes it's chicken or the egg which comes first. Right, it's hard to the horse, so is it worth it to be the first one to give?

Speaker 1: 52:39

Right. So what you're saying is so. For instance, if I had a partner who, um, wasn't matching up on the emotional depth with me, um, but let's say the physical affection was pretty good, like, but the emotional depth wasn't there, then one of us is going to have to decide like, like, let's say I'm like, because I probably would, knowing myself, I'd be like. We've had this conversation. I understand that you kind of want it when you want it and and need to have some good sex without having to always do the work for it, because that emotional work, cause, that's not where you're at.

Speaker 1: 53:20

I'm going to look, I'm going to put out and I'm going to give you some great sex, and I'm going to assume that you're going to start working on this emotional part. But I'm willing. I'm willing to like let's, let's go ahead, let's. You're in the mood, I will, even though maybe I'm like you haven't gotten me there. You know, I'm going to pump myself up and and and do the sex part and know that you're going to start working on that emotional part and eventually we're going to meet and both be getting what we want. Is that the plan?

Speaker 2: 53:50

Big plan. Um, I think it's a little bit. It can be harder because you know you never want to have feel forced into having sex. Okay, and a lot of men, I'll be honest, if they know the woman isn't into it. There's some that might be okay with it. There was a funny um two and a half minute episode about that. But some men might be okay if their woman you know the woman is faking it enough or whatever, and they're just happy. But a lot of men I know that it's not going to be really that enjoyable if they know the woman isn't. So my recommendation is going the other way it's telling the guy just slow, slow your roll.

Speaker 2: 54:24

I'm telling you it's coming. Maybe even you got a taste of it. You know it's good. But if you want me fully there, I'm giving you the roadmap of what I need. And you know, and it might not be an all or nothing, it might, you know, if you start to get some of the emotional it's not a hundred percent but you get 50, you know it starts revving up a bit then maybe you'll feel it a little bit more, you know, and you'll be like kind of like, hey, you know some sex and then, as well as the more that he pumps it up, that the emotional and the affection that's getting pumped up for you, and so it could be a little bit of that. But no, I kind of go the other way, which is tell you know the guy, if you're the one who needs a physical first look, you can get what you need and what you want. Just put in some of this other.

Speaker 2: 55:09

And the truth of the matter is, hopefully, once you've started it and the affection and the emotion and the stuff is there, it's more of a keeping up, and a keep up maintenance is not supposed to be as hard, as you know then then it is just starting brand new, right? You know, diet, whatever, it's hard, just the jump off point is the hardest part and then hopefully, whatever you know, it's supposed to get a little bit easier. You know the main maintenance. So once you get into it and some of it is getting into a routine and a pattern, and if you start getting, if the guy starts getting the feedback of I'm opening up emotionally, I'm asking about her, she, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm sharing more about me, oh, my God, look at she's in the mood. Okay, you know it's not, and you also become more accustomed to it. It becomes part of your day-to-day of sharing and things like that, where it's not every time where you're like okay, I got to take this big leap and you know and share.

Speaker 2: 56:04

So that's what we're trying to get to is where this becomes more of a smooth running machine that's in maintenance mode of. You've been getting emotional intimacy, we just want to keep it up. You're getting affection intimacy, want to keep it up, and that keeps the sex going Um and so. But yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say so much for you, um, putting yourself in a position where you're not really wanting to have sex. I mean sometimes, look, if there is once in a while when we're just not and it's been a while and it's not that we're like uncomfortable or it makes us like in a bad position, you know, and sometimes if we push ourselves a little past our tired, sometimes we can get into it. We need a little push. There is that every once in a while.

Speaker 2: 56:45

But in general, if you're going from a almost dead sex life, ramp it up and if find out what your, your partner, needs, and if this typically is men needing to figure this out with women, find, find out is the women needing more emotional and affection? Yes, you might not love hearing that, but guess what, if you do that, you may be super, super happy and isn't it worth putting in a little bit more and giving. Basically you go first giving and then you will be getting, and then, when you get, you'll give more and you'll get more, right? But yeah, no, not as much you putting yourself in a position, as it is maybe just a little bit of the opposite of waiting a little bit.

Speaker 2: 57:26

And if you've been not doing a lot of emotional intimacy and affection. If you start giving some, that may start going a long way. If the person has been really in a drought, it might be like, oh my gosh, I got water. So you might actually be surprised at what can happen if you start to do that. Shift Might not be as much as you need or take as long.

Speaker 1: 57:46

Now, how are people going to know? Because some people, let's face it, some people are not self-aware at all. Like, I am very aware of what I'm into and what I want and what I need, but I mean, I base my life around this kind of thing, but maybe the average person hasn't sat and thought about what is it, or figured out, or even known how to figure out what is it that actually makes me want to have sex with a partner. How are we going to figure out where we are in the category of needing emotional intimacy, affection intimacy or sex?

Speaker 2: 58:24

What I found is when I've done this strategy with my clients in meetings. What I found is, when I've broken it down, this specific right, and added these more layers, these other things, the affection and breaking sex into a couple different categories, that people have these aha moments. I start talking about the affection and they're like yes, and and all of a sudden things start to click more and so I think sometimes even just being able to break it down and going these are categories, but instead of just saying intimacy and instead of just saying emotional and sex, we're adding another piece. Again, this is where I go to details. So breaking down as far as you can in the details it can.

Speaker 2: 59:07

It start triggers people to be able to start to recognize some things. Oh yeah, I do love it when they hold my hand or we cuddle on the couch and I haven't been having that, so I'm not feeling very close to you. It doesn't make me want to have sex. So sometimes even just bringing these up and then breaking down, you know sex, what is enjoyable, you know and and do you know? And for some people it's uncomfortable. So one you know if somebody goes, you know, I actually don't know. These are good questions and I don't know, then the good thing is, if they don't know, then there's no way you could do that, so you're off the hook.

Speaker 1: 59:42

Right.

Speaker 2: 59:43

You know it's like okay, good to know because. And so then it's them having to figure this out. So then, whether it's reaching out to me or it's very different but a therapist or someone maybe to help them or to read on it, or something like that, to start to delve into it. Because now you have an idea of there's a problem, but here we don't even know what the full-on problem is, because we don't even know a way to resolve it, because we don't even know what you're needing. Great, this is actually somewhat good news, because now we know where we can start to focus Right.

Speaker 2: 1:00:15

I look at it as not like, oh my gosh, this is awful, I don't know. I look at it as awesome. This gives us something to work on Right. And so then it's a matter of do they want support? You know, do you guys read things together just on their own, get support outside, support like me or a therapist, somebody else? But all of a sudden you go fantastic, there's an, an unknown. There's a good chance that unknown is why we're having a problem. So now, now we know what to focus on all right and now we can work as a team.

Speaker 2: 1:00:44

Here's the thing. This is all about working as a team. I'm, I. It is very important.

Speaker 2: 1:00:50

When I work with couples, I tell them my saying is it's not about the person, it's about the problem you. Which means whenever there's a difficulty, it is not about blaming or pointing at the other person. You want to say there's a problem, there's not enough sex. I'm not going to say you're not giving me enough sex. I'm going to say the problem is that there's not enough sex. As a team, we're going to work on looking at how to solve that problem. It takes away from the judgment. It takes away from the judgment. It takes away from the defensiveness when you do this. If the problem is she doesn't know what she needs, oh my gosh. As a team, what can we do to help you find that out? If she's like well, I need to figure it out, great, as a partner, you are going to be patient and wait for them to figure it out. That's your part of helping to solve this problem. But this is all about being a team together to resolve things, including intimacy problems. I love it All.

Speaker 1: 1:01:42

right, guys, you know now what's likely causing your sex life to dwindle. You know the areas of intimacy that you need to start sort of self exploring with yourself and your partner. Like, where are you on the emotional intimacy, where are you on the affectionate part of intimacy? And like, if you're the one wanting sex, we know that the sex is right up there, but where is your partner Figuring out those things? That's your starting point, and once you figure that out well, you can set the rest in motion. If you are still at a loss, the good news is you have someone that you can turn to. So will you take a moment to let my listeners know where they can find you and find out more about you and what you do?

Speaker 2: 1:02:36

Absolutely so the best place to get information about me and what I do is my website. It is my name, so Stephanie, with a P-H, so S-T-E-P-H-A-N-I-E and Mintz, m-i-n-t-zcom, stephaniemintzcom, so a lot of information about me. There's how to reach me. I have I'll be honest, I have an Instagram. I'm not great at social media. I am a great with what I do. Social media is not. I am working on it. So ask me the questions. I am great with direct questions. There's some information on there, but definitely my website is gonna be the best place with, probably this time, the most information on there.

Speaker 2: 1:03:20

Um, if anybody has any questions from this podcast, um, even if you're not looking to necessarily hire me, but you kind of want to follow up, question or even a thought, please feel free to reach out to me. Um, you can. My email is, it's on my website, but it's the word relationship, it's singular, so relationship at stephaniemincecom. So, yes, please feel free. Thoughts, questions or if you're interested in getting some support. I am passionate about helping people. I absolutely love it and I see what doing strategies can really help. With quick changes you implement and you focus on change, you can see change. If things don't change, things don't change. So let's change.

Speaker 1: 1:04:04

I love that and, of course, as always, you can drop a comment. If you're on YouTube below, I will make sure that she gets your question and we'll try to get it answered. I also have a SpeakPipe link below. You can send a voice message if you have a question, and if you have a comment, a thought, anything, you can always email me at Annette at SheExploresLifecom. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Speaker 2: 1:04:31

Thank you for having me on. I'm very excited to be here and to help everybody, and let's go have sex everybody, let's go have sex.

Speaker 1: 1:04:41

Keep talking about sex. Well, cheers to that.

Speaker 2: 1:04:45

Cheers to that.

Speaker 1: 1:04:46

And to my listeners until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.