Should Men Bring Sex Toys To a New Relationship?! 3 Women Weigh In (Listener Question)

A listener wrote in to ask about SEX TOY etiquette for men. Should men get sex toys to introduce to new relationships? Will women be grossed out by their guy bringing a toy that may have been used on another woman? I weigh in with my two guests Dominatrix Lucy and Liberty.

In this episode, you will find out:

·       What women think about a man bringing toys to a one-night stand
·       What women think about men bringing toys to a relationship

·       When to tell a woman you have toys

·       Which toys a man should get

·       What to do if she freaks out about your toys.

Work with Me: https://talksexwithannette.com/sex-relationship-and-intimacy-coaching/

Vim Vibrating Wand Review: https://youtu.be/SSWlJZFXUIM

Manta Stroker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iOopO7vlb0

Nos C Ring: https://youtu.be/lI940ZxDwMA

To find out more or book a session with me visit:
https://talksexwithannette.com/home/sex-relationship-and-intimacy-coaching/

Email: annette@talksexwithannette.com

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:24

Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's lockerin' Shots topic is etiquette for men and sex toys. Should men bring sex toys to a new relationship? This is a listener requested topic. I got an email from a man who was asking for my opinion and you know, of course, bring along some additional female perspective on the topic.

Speaker 1: 2:12

I am going to read his email to everyone and then my guests, Liberty and Lucy, are going to weigh in along with me on the answer to this topic. But before we get started, if you are a new listener, you may not be familiar with my guests, which you need to become familiar with them because if you start going through old podcasts, you are going to meet both of them, so I'm going to take a moment to let them tell you a little bit about who they are and the past podcasts they are on.

Speaker 1: 2:49

So let's start with Liberty.

Speaker 2: 2:51

Liberty. Hi, my name is Liberty and I've been on this podcast probably six times, yeah and uh. Most recently I was on a small penis size, which was really fun to to do, and it's got great reception great go check it out if you haven't watched it yet yeah, the truth about sex with small penises. Oh, that's what it was.

Speaker 1: 3:19

Yes, it is one of my most popular episodes, and liberty was a guest on that. All right, right. And then, of course, we have our local Tom and Natrix. If you have listened to any of the BDSM episodes, then you are probably familiar with Lucy. But Lucy, why don't you go ahead and tell everybody a little bit about you?

Speaker 3: 3:40

Yeah, hi everybody. It's me again, lucy. Yeah, and I have also been on a number of podcasts across the time, most of the BDSM ones, and we did a toy one Cock cages Male chastity.

Speaker 1: 3:55

You are known for your male chastity.

Speaker 1: 3:59

I guess so. So, yeah, pretty much. If you go back through a lot of the BDSM podcast episodes, you are going to meet Lucy, who walks us through lots of kinky fun stuff. We obviously all have some experience with dudes and dating new dudes. Liberty and I actually have dated a lot and we've talked about it in past episodes, like from Housewives to Hoes another popular one. So go back and listen to those and get more familiar with us. But today we are going to be answering my listener, who we will be calling the Enlightened RN from the UK. Enlightened RN from UK. We are about to answer your question on whether or not it's like men should, a be buying sex toys not only for themselves but to use with partners, and, b, if they should be bringing sex toys they've owned and may have previously used with other uh people to a new relationship. Um, let's say guys, let's get ready to talk about sex toys and sex One of my favorite conversations, cheers.

Speaker 2: 5:12

Perfect Sunday morning chat.

Speaker 1: 5:16

Yeah, it is Sunday morning, and what better could we talk about on Sunday morning than sex and sex toys? You know me, I love sex toys. Also, on that note, if you are looking for a new sex toy, you need to go to my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti, where I am putting up lots of sex toy reviews. I test a lot of them. So by the end of this podcast, if you're like I need to go get me some sex toys, I've got recommendations for you. But I'm going to dive right in. I'm going to read his email to me and then we are going to discuss.

Speaker 1: 5:58

Hi, annette, I am a male living in the UK and I recently discovered your YouTube podcast and I'm really finding them enlightening. It is the feminist viewpoint I'm enjoying and I enjoy the open and frank discussions you have with your guests. I have been schooled on a lot of topics and I will be utilizing them whenever I'm next intimate with somebody which has been a while. Small dicks was a breath of fresh air, in that many women find large dicks painful and preferred a moderate cock, which I'm happy to report. I belong in this category, congratulations.

Speaker 1: 6:37

After watching many episodes, I feel that you would recommend the use of toys and sex play, and it got me wondering if I should have a sex toy armory, which then got me to wondering what is the etiquette regarding toys? It is obvious to have lube, but would a woman use a sex toy or allow the use of one if it did not belong to them or might have been used on a past lover, obviously cleaned in between and is owned by a man? What is your take on this? Would I be considered considerate or a weirdo? For example, you meet on this occasion a guy and you go back to his place and find he has a toolbox. What would your reaction be? I suspect it probably isn't a good idea to reveal the goods on the first liaison, or am I completely wrong? Love the podcast and thank you for making them an enlightened RN in the UK. All right.

Speaker 2: 7:36

I'm so excited to talk about this and I'm so excited that it's something that he even thought that he was sparked to think about um, to ask the question, and I think there's probably lots of people who haven't first, haven't even thought of it, haven't thought of it, and now we're going to school them on things they should be thinking about. And um, yeah, and also, if there's others out there, like enlightened darren, who have been wondering this here's, here's our take. I'm excited to talk about it right.

Speaker 1: 8:08

Well, and I want to start with the fact that, to point out the obvious, which is, I think it is has been socially more acceptable for women a to buy sex toys and be using them and, b I don't think men give a shit if a woman pulls out like a vibrator she's been using, probably because he just assumes she's just been using it on herself, right, I do know that there are men who are made uncomfortable or are intimidated by sex toys, and that's just a whole different podcast. But I think from my perspective and we'll discuss it's accurate to say that for many women, at least in the past, the idea of a man bringing a sex toy out that may have been used with someone else would have been a hard no.

Speaker 2: 9:10

Is that your opinion, or you think it's most people's?

Speaker 1: 9:12

I mean, I think that in the past, I think that women who are not sexually empowered probably have that reaction or get weird about it. I think women, though, and younger generations of women about it. I think women, though, and younger generations of women and women who are becoming more sexually educated, more sexually enlightened, more sexually experimental, are moving past that Understand that A sex toys are expensive and you can't just like, every time a relationship goes to hell, toss out what like. I mean, I've got thousands and thousands of dollars worth of sex toys, right, yeah, and you can't just like toss them out and buy a whole new set for new people. But let's just start with what do you think, what is your general thought on how women feel about men just having sex toys?

Speaker 2: 10:05

starting with Liberty, Well, I have experience. I have some experiences with this where I didn't ever expect a man to have sex toys. It never occurred to me that they might have an arsenal until I had an experience where, pleasantly surprised, and it was just kind of like, enlightened our and talked about. It was a I met someone out at a bar, wasn't you know? This wasn't a date, we just met randomly, basically it was a one night stand and um, and I was so impressed when we went back to he was young, he was much younger than me, he was like 30. I was 40 something.

Speaker 2: 10:53

And I was so impressed that when we got to his house, like he basically said I have wood, like, what do you like? What do you need? And he also definitely said these have all been sanitized. Yeah, it was really cool and I was just so impressed, I and I thought this every man should have this, every man should have something on hand. Of course, yeah, do you pulled out the first date? Well, I think it depends on the way your date is going. I think you can kind of, you know, let it be organic, yeah. So I say yes, great idea.

Speaker 1: 11:33

It was a turn on for you, but would you say you are the average woman's response to something like that.

Speaker 2: 11:42

I don't know. I mean I, I, like my younger self may have been, like you said, nervous or intimidated or not sure about it. Pre enlightenment, when I had this experience I was still pretty green, like in my sexual awakening I wasn full. I mean I of course I had a vibrator at home, but like I wasn't yeah, I hadn't had a lot of dating experience yet when I had this experience- all right, lucy, let's talk about your thoughts about a.

Speaker 1: 13:04

Let's start with now. I know you are, I mean Lucy, I have a lot of toys, but Lucy like makes my arsenal look pathetic. Um, so for you you're really gonna have to kind of go back into maybe an older school mind frame. And what do you think the general woman's response is to this?

Speaker 3: 13:30

I think think the general, just thinking of my own person, you know, 15 years ago or whatever, I think it would be slightly weird, mostly be. I mean, I guess, yet again, it depends how much as a woman, you went to the shops and you shopped for the sex toys and you're like, okay, I can you know, I utilize some of these sex toys, whereas if you show up at a gentleman's house and all of a sudden they have sex toys, I think some women might say, hmm, You're a player.

Speaker 3: 14:06

No, I was thinking they would think is your penis not functioning properly? Is that why you have all the sex toys? Yeah, like okay. Why do you need so many extra implements to make stuff work? Are you bad at sex, like what's happening here? That's what I would have thought Back then Back then.

Speaker 1: 14:25

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:26

Now, you know so much more.

Speaker 3: 14:27

Now I know All right as an owner of 7,000 of them at this point.

Speaker 1: 14:32

So 15 years ago in Lucy's life, she would have thought it might be an indicator of inadequacy. Now where you are today, if you were to take on a new boyfriend into your harem. We will have a podcast on harems because she is creating one, working on it. Right, and you found out he had a bunch of his own toys. How would you feel about that? Like what would you think that indicated at this point?

Speaker 3: 15:05

I would think good job, you should have sex toys. There are, because I use so many of them and I feel like it would just be so refreshing to see a gentleman with his own variety. Hopefully, it's all you know. Some variety for sure. And then, yet again, if, for whatever reason see now I have the opposite opinion if, for whatever reason, the penis decides that it's too nervous to function, ta-da, you have sex toys to supplement any shortcomings.

Speaker 3: 15:36

Yeah, yeah, and sometimes it's, you know, just in this, especially like a first time situation, everybody's a bit nervous, yeah Right.

Speaker 1: 15:45

Right. So I'm going to share my experience and thoughts. I think back, you know, when I was in my 20s maybe early 30s, if you know and the way I dated then was so different. And here is something that's important to point out younger perspective it is not the equivalent of today's younger women. We have to acknowledge that in the last 10, 15, 20 years that women who are now aging up are more sexually empowered, are more sexually enlightened, know more about toys, have a, generally speaking, broader mindset. So back in my 20s I was dating for the idea of falling in love.

Speaker 1: 16:42

If a man had showed up with toys, I would have been like, did you use that on another woman? I would have definitely been petty like that. I mean, I can remember just like having that mind frame and then being like, ooh, I don't want something that's been in some other woman, even though his cock would have already been in other women. It's such a silly, silly, silly, silly thing for a woman to think or sort of direction to come from. However, things have changed and we clearly expect you to have certain things.

Speaker 1: 17:17

Lube, yes, if you are going to be inviting a woman to your place to have sex or meeting a woman to have sex. Have some lube and don't get cheap shit, because that's also like when I go and I see some astroglide from the 80s or like KY, I'm just like you really don't know much about sex, do you? When I see you know Gleam Lube, which I love, or Fun Factory's new I think it's still still still loop I'm like all right, this guy knows he knows his shit. I expect at this point for any man that I am going to get involved with to be sexually knowledgeable. Like I am not here to be your teacher, so condoms and lube are a must, and if you don't show up with them, then I'm like this is not probably going to be amazing for me.

Speaker 1: 18:08

I had a relationship in one of my last relationships. My partner at the time was the first person, man who had ever shown up with literally a bag of toys. Now, to be fair, we were meeting just like it was like hey, we met on a, a dating app. We were both kinky and wanted to explore bdsm.

Speaker 1: 18:33

I wasn't in the mind frame of I'm going to be finding a partner right, I was in the mind frame of I'm finding a play partner and he showed up with a bunch of toys and just right off the bat, in my mind it was my first experience with a man doing that and I was like that's hot, this guy's gonna know what to do. And also then it's like all of the burden isn't on me to have the toys and get the toys and know about the toys, and it's a financial investment. It sucks. It sucks when that all lands on the woman. So for me it was like an absolutely huge turn on. Now, not until down the line I did not ask this individual until we were in like an intense, committed relationship. I was like so did you use these? So? And I knew in my head of course he had, but it was kind of the first time that I was like, oh, I don't know how good that feels or doesn't, but I also am a grown-ass woman and I was like check yourself. And that's like stupid, that is stupid and I let it and I let it go because of course he had, of course he had. He didn't go and buy those all for a date with me.

Speaker 1: 19:35

From my perspective, the answer to this question depends on who you're dating and why. What kind of woman are you looking for? Do you want to go on a date or be on dates or having sex with women who aren't sexually empowered? Do you want to be with women who are unable to regulate their jealousy and insecurity, to the point where, if you bring a sex toy out, they're going to freak out and be like has that been in another woman? You could be like yeah, so has my dick, so has the spoon for my kitchen that you just stirred your drink with. But they've all been washed and this one's been checked. Yeah, right, yeah, I guess that's one of the things to consider. Are you wanting to date?

Speaker 2: 21:09

and yeah, and I I was gonna say I think it's also an opportunity for education. When I was 19 I had never masturbated, like not really in my teen years. And then when I was 19, my boyfriend at the time was like, you know, do you have a vibrator? And I'm like no. He said what? Like you need one, like it's going to change your life, and I I'm so glad that that's when I finally got one. I it was um a totally a learning experience and I think it's okay to bring that, um bring it I mean obviously not the first date. Maybe if it's somebody who is inexperienced or is not yet sexually empowered, it doesn't mean it's all lost, you know there's opportunity there.

Speaker 1: 21:55

I think the next best step in this conversation is to talk about what kind of toys does it make sense for you to be bringing to a new sexual relationship right, like, are you just going to be buying vibrators for yourself to bring to like the next relationship? I mean, if they're not something you're using on your own body, what makes sense to me is to start looking into sex toys that you yourself can use on your own, because you said that you're single and that might be something you could bring into a relationship with other people.

Speaker 2: 22:34

For sure. What's the starter? What's the starter pack?

Speaker 3: 22:43

What's the?

Speaker 1: 22:44

starter pack, I would say buy one that is a magic wand. Yeah, I mean you could. I think that's a great idea, Starting with a wand. First of all, you can use I am going to suggest the Vim wand, which is different than the magic wand, the same kind of toy like it's a big wand, a. You can use it to give yourself a massage, so it makes sense that you would buy it. You can use it on yourself, you can learn how it feels on your own body. You can use it on your cock, if you want to. You can use it on your perineum, I don't know. Like I'm sure you know, it's kind of a um stimulation all around right.

Speaker 1: 23:32

So, starting with, if you're going to build your armory, build your armory with toys that you can use in solo play and that makes sense to also use on a body with a velvet. It sounds like you're heterosexual and that you are dating women primarily or solely, so a wand is like the number one, number one toy that typically women go towards and it makes sense for you to have as well.

Speaker 1: 23:59

I think um one that is a great idea to get for yourself that you could use then in a relationship with someone else is a cock ring.

Speaker 1: 24:10

I love the nose right the nose fun factory cock ring a. It's going to stimulate you. It vibrates, you get a lot of sensation. You can use it while you give yourself a hand job or jerk off on your own. But it also has two little prongs that either you can face towards you and get your own pleasure or flip the thing around. And when a woman is sitting on top of you, this is one of my primary ways to have an easy simultaneous orgasm.

Speaker 3: 24:41

Oh nice yeah, make sure when you are getting cock rings, do not get the hard ones, because they can get stuck on your penis.

Speaker 1: 24:49

And that's not good.

Speaker 3: 24:50

No, you get stuck accidentally and then it can cause injury. So, definitely, like all, the silicone ones are the better choices or something that there are leather ones? I don't think that they're the best that have snaps. Yeah, that have snaps, something you can get off pretty easily. Metal ones are a bit more dangerous, as well as the Pyrex ones that are glass also can be dangerous.

Speaker 1: 25:16

So try to be safe.

Speaker 3: 25:17

I mean, unless you know what you're doing, then you can get those other kind, but if you're starting out for sure, the silicone ones are the best.

Speaker 1: 25:23

And we'll give more suggestions on toys to get for yourself and then how they can be used on women down the road. Let's say you've built up a little toy box. You've got some basics there. You've got a wand, You've got a cock ring, you got some lube, you got some condoms. You go out on a date with a woman. At what point do you break out the toys? Let's really talk about at what point does that happen?

Speaker 1: 25:52

Know why you are dating. If you're dating just to have sex and to hit it with this gal and she's aware of that, if this is like a sex-based connection and you've already been talking sexy over text prior to the first date I'm not saying you're this kind of dude, but some people do that you can actually have conversations in the sexting leading up to it to say you know, hey, here are some hot things I like to do Now guys. Hey, here are some hot things I like to do Now. Guys. Don't get me wrong. Don't start sexting right off the bat. Women hate that. Women hate when you lead with sex If that's not what they're for.

Speaker 1: 26:34

Figure out why you're dating. Figure out what you want. Be clear about that up front. Make sure she's on the same page with you before you even get sexy at all, Like ask up front what are you into? So in that case you can have conversations leading up and then if you bring your date back to your house, then you've already had the conversation. You know she wants you to like spank her a little bit and get that wand out, or whatever. It is right, talking about my own fantasy, um, but let's say you're you're dating. Because you're dating, because you want to date a woman, you want to find someone that might eventually be your person. What do we think, folks?

Speaker 3: 27:23

definitely not the first date. No, yeah, if you are dating to actually get a companion for forever or however long term, long term yes, then you probably should discuss it. I would say date four, five maybe, and then I'm gonna say a little bit earlier.

Speaker 2: 27:44

Three, yeah, maybe date three. I my good and that, and I've talked about this a lot and I just like my message to the, to everyone out there looking for your person, is don't set a tone of um, what is the word Like? Sort of?

Speaker 1: 28:32

purity yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:33

Purity, innocence, um vanilla. Yeah, if you said it, I just feel like it's really hard to break the tone. If that's the way your relationship starts and if you are looking for someone who's you, you guys are going to have some, some flicker and flames for long term. I think. Show up as your true self as early as possible, if that's, and, and help her if she's uncomfortable, because a lot of women, even though we were saying that we think women have evolved in the last 10 to 15 years, there's still going to be people out there who are uncomfortable with themselves sexually. And yeah, yeah, help her to find herself as well.

Speaker 1: 29:20

I think, right off the bat. If you are looking for your person, dear enlightened, and sex and sexual adventure is important to you, then you need to be looking for that in the person you're looking for, right. Even if you really like someone you meet and then you find out you are sexually on different wavelengths and she's like I just want like vanilla sex. But what I'm mostly looking for is an emotional connection and, you know, maybe you can have sex with me once a month. When we get a couple months in, which is something that happens, then you need to know that up front, right and especially I did not see your age on this, but if you are dating women and I'm going to say 35 and up I think what you said is true, even most women in that age range we were raised in sort of a purity culture.

Speaker 1: 30:14

And it's been our own work that has brought us out of it and you may be running into women who haven't quite done that work. So setting the tone up front is important For me when I date. I know that in looking for my perfect partner my person I will need someone who loves sex, wants to be adventurous, wants to experiment and explore together, and I have to set that tone up front. That is not something that you know. I'm going to pop even four dates down.

Speaker 3: 30:54

I think the reason I'm saying that is because, as you know, I date in a very strange way, explain. So I actually vet people for a really long time before I even approach a date. So I have my original partner, my primary partner, but I also have another one. I vetted him for a year, like so I have my original partner, my primary partner, but also have another one. I vetted him for a year, wow Before. And yes, but you're right, I did tell this person all about myself, like I'm like, oh, this is kind of me. And then a year later I was like, okay, they seem fine.

Speaker 2: 31:33

So I will approach them. You're on the very cautious and very intentional side.

Speaker 3: 31:39

Yes, because a lot of the time I am looking for somebody, since I am building a harem. It's working.

Speaker 1: 31:46

I can't have anyone flaky? I hear my argument is like if it's going to fall apart, I want it to fall apart up front.

Speaker 3: 31:53

But that is also a good point, yeah, so actually, if you are not doing what I'm doing, don't do what I do.

Speaker 1: 32:01

It's a very peculiar way to do things If you're not building a harem.

Speaker 3: 32:03

You're not building a harem and you don't want everybody to get along and all will be well, and you're actually just looking for one. No, fuck it. Date two, actually Date two, right. And even on date one, show up as your authentic self and if, for whatever reason, like, have the conversation. And if the conversation goes into a sex topic, then you know yeah, I do like toys, I do enjoy this, or I don't like toys, I have never tried them, I don't want to, that's not my jam. And then you're done, You're right. Then you're like okay, well, I really enjoy them and you don't, so we're not going to work out, let's have the rest of the dinner, be nice about it and kind and considerate, and then just carry on and move on. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 32:47

So do you think the conversation that is, I have sex toys, how do you feel about that should happen on the first date, I think, rather than timing it by date, it's sort of like where you're at in the flow of things.

Speaker 1: 33:03

I do think date number one. At some point in the conversation getting a read on like intimacy and sex, sexual compatibility is important. Now I'm in me saying this. I don't want to fuck up your dating life by saying talk about sex on the first date, because you will piss a lot of women off.

Speaker 1: 33:27

But, you can ask sort of those prodding questions like what do you prioritize in a relationship? You know what does you prioritize in a relationship. You know what does intimacy mean to you, like when you're looking for an intimate partner or partner to build an intimate relationship on. What does intimacy look like for you in a relationship? I would love, god damn. I want a date to ask me that I'm the one who asks these questions. Right, I want a date to ask me that I'm the one who asks these questions.

Speaker 1: 33:55

But I mean, it's a really good way to start to get a read on what she's about. When, eventually and maybe let's say it's a slow moving relationship let's say you go on the first date and you kind of talk and you hit it off, but you don't get into the sexy talk as it slowly develops, eventually that's going to come up. If sex doesn't come up by the second or third date or the interest in sex or what someone's looking for, that in that I think you just break the ice and say, hey, it seems like we're connecting. I really want to move this relationship to the next level. I'd love to know, like what you, what you like, want. Uh, are you interested in being intimate? What does that look like for you?

Speaker 1: 34:35

And then then, as things progress, you know you feel the person out and at some point, maybe even the first time you have sex, you don't break out your toys. Maybe you're just getting to know each other. But at some point you can say, hey, you know we've had sex a couple of times. Like, I just want to let you know I have X, y, z. Maybe you don't even have to say, especially if you get kinky and you got some kinky nipple clamps and shit in there. Maybe, if you haven't felt things out, don't bring that up. But you can say I don't know how you feel about toys, but I actually have some that I use on myself and I think would be fun to play with together.

Speaker 1: 35:11

How do you feel about that? If she freaks out, that's not about you, no, that's true. That's not about you at all. If she freaks out and she's like well, have you used them on other women? That's when you can kind of be like, if you have, you can say you know, I primarily use them on myself, but I have used them in other relationships. Of course I wash and sterilize them between every use, because that's because logic, common sense and hygiene, you know right and you can begin to have that.

Speaker 1: 35:42

You know, if she just freaks out and that escalates, that's, that's a sign to you that that shouldn't be your person like do you really like. If she gets freaked out about that, trust me, you're gonna have some serious insecurity and jealousy issues down the road.

Speaker 3: 35:55

Right.

Speaker 1: 35:56

Right.

Speaker 3: 35:57

Don't you think?

Speaker 2: 35:58

Yeah, oh, I agree for sure I came into this topic a little bit, thinking about it from a different perspective. I think I just was thinking more about it from one night stand perspective. And so if Enlightened RN was asking, should I have sex toys on hand, the answer is yes. In my opinion, 100% you should have sex toys on hand. And then there's the two breakdowns yes, if you're having a one night stand and it's all about the sex, then yeah, bring it out right away.

Speaker 1: 36:35

Yes or ask what she likes If she needs. Many women need a vibrator to come, that's true, the first time, for sure, and in a one night stand. In a one night stand, and maybe that's how we should have broken this down, but in a one night stand, it's all about sex. It is If she comes back to your place, because I'm gonna assume you're not- carrying sex toys around with you.

Speaker 1: 37:00

I mean if you have ahead of time said we're gonna get together and have sex, that's a different story right, and you're going to bring some of her own even right, because I, I do I always. I always like, if I am going to be having sex with somebody, I'm going to be prepared for my own pleasure Period.

Speaker 2: 37:20

Can I interject and say we haven't specifically said yet on this podcast? I don't think, prioritize her pleasure. Prioritize her pleasure Absolutely, absolutely 100%. That is a the best thing you can do to show up and um yeah, and make sure that she feels sexy and happy and orgasmic.

Speaker 1: 37:45

I'm telling you, if you prioritize a woman's pleasure and she knows that's what you're doing- she is going to want to come back for more if you don't completely fuck things up, but it is. It is so flattering because it will make you stand out, because a lot of men don't even know what prioritizing her pleasure is. And I can tell you right now toys, lube, being prepared, shows her you're prioritizing her pleasure. Pumping away as hard and fast as you can is not prioritizing her pleasure and some guys really think that they're like to plays or I need to show her I can like do it, I can go hard, I can go long and I'm a stud that way.

Speaker 3: 38:26

That is not prioritizing so I mean ask the question and, unfortunately, sometimes I mean it depends on the women you are with, obviously, but women are unfortunately notoriously bad at telling you what they want and how, if it's something is working. But, like, definitely check in, say, oh, is this working for you? Do you want me to change an angle? Is there are some positions that work better for you? Do you want to be on top, on the bottom, on the side or whatever? I I mean just listening.

Speaker 3: 38:57

Yeah, absolutely, and checking in and asking especially if you're prioritizing her, which you should be doing. And also another reason the sex toys will assist you because in case you are very excited and you get there slightly faster, then she will, Because it's I mean, that's how it works. Usually there's a very rare woman that can, just you know, get to an orgasm. Yeah, I think it's just me Jealous, I know I'm like.

Speaker 2: 39:26

27 minutes later, I'm like, oh my God, no, this is not working.

Speaker 1: 39:32

I'm like 16 and I can. Some days it's 45 minutes. I don't know.

Speaker 3: 39:36

that's the point, the point is, it can take a while if you are a stud, and I actually have met a person where it was like 45 minutes later and I was like, oh my god, this person is still going. That's amazing, but also I was tired, so if you are accidentally ended, don't just go. Oh well, this is Hopefully in your arsenal of toys there is a dildo somewhere, absolutely and please, then you can use it on her to have to assist her in getting to an orgasm as well, yeah, I wanted to say when we say prioritize her pleasure, that does not mean do the same thing for a long time, thinking you're gonna get some.

Speaker 2: 40:19

No, this is asking, yeah, her asking questions. Finding out how she achieves orgasm is, and it might not be with you using your tongue or your penis. It could be your finger, it could be nothing, it could be the vibrator. It could be you holding her while she uses the vibrator. But that is prioritizing. Oh, I know I really like that. Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

Speaker 1: 40:49

Yeah, you know what really sexy about a partner holding you well and watching while you use a toy on yourself, because also it's a great way to learn what she wants. So this is all to say. Having toys available in any situation gives you an opportunity to prioritize her pleasure and you can frame it that way in the conversation. If it is a one night stand, then I would just be open with her and say hey, I know we're just getting together to bang.

Speaker 1: 41:25

I want you to have a great time. Just so you know, I have vibrators available, I have toys, if you want to include that in your play so that we have this exciting experimental orgasmic time. And if a woman reacts poorly to that or is like, why don't you think you can do it yourself? Like, fuck her Seriously. Seriously, if that is what she brings to the table in a reaction to that, she's probably not going to be a great lay anyways.

Speaker 3: 41:52

That's true, that's the truth of the matter, so many women just not being able to just even come from just penetration right and and maybe she is a woman who, just if you, if that's the person you got, then great.

Speaker 1: 42:05

but also, like toys make sex more fun. You can draw it out, you can play for a while. Like penetration shouldn't, in my opinion, come, and you guys tell me if your opinion is different, but in my opinion the penetration part of sex shouldn't come until like way down the line, like it should start with, like kissing and dirty talk and touching, and preferably, in my situation, like a vibrator or some toys, we start to break out or massage oil or whatever.

Speaker 1: 42:39

And then, once I'm warmed up and you've gotten my clit on fire and maybe my G-spot because you listened to my fingering podcast and know that it was time to go for the G-spot and it's all warmed up then maybe we get some toys and I'm getting you hard and then we work into, you know, the actual penetration.

Speaker 2: 43:00

I'm thinking about sex today.

Speaker 1: 43:03

Your girl. Your girl is like oh yeah, I know how I want. I know how I want it, guys, and I'm just saying, you show up to my table with an arsenal of toys. I'm going to be like king, yeah.

Speaker 2: 43:19

Come in, I think another thing we could talk about is on this topic is, you know, the there's toys for pleasure and then there's BDSM toys and those are definitely two different things. And not everybody. Well, not everybody's not into BDSM and not everybody is into BDSM. So, figuring out, how do we? Lucy, you're the queen of this.

Speaker 1: 43:46

How do we figure out?

Speaker 2: 43:47

who's into it and who isn't, or how to start a conversation if you're not sure.

Speaker 1: 43:54

Right, well, so I think the way we want to frame this Liberty so that it's about whether or not to have BDSM toys, Right. Right A if, if you are into BDSM or you, whether it is, you'd like to have a woman over your knees someday and spank her ass or, you know, do a little flogging. Yes, if that is your thing, I am going to say, and then I'm going to let Lucy weigh in. You need to have paddles, you need to have floggers.

Speaker 1: 44:23

You need to not be asking her to bring those to the table, but the question is if you are buying those because your goal is to find a woman who will happily bend over your knee and accept her punishment like at what point do you let her know that?

Speaker 3: 44:42

you've got the toys for it they are in the closet right.

Speaker 1: 44:45

You want a spanking because I got something in the closet like so, lucy, I feel like that is definitely.

Speaker 3: 44:50

I mean in general. I say there are two kinds of people kinky and liars um but also, of course, that's not actually true.

Speaker 3: 45:14

Oh gosh, okay, time to bring up that as well saying, oh, also with an assumption of all these other toys and semi vanilla sex I dabble, or really like, or whatever I'm curious about, curious about, interested in the bdsm side of things. What do you think about this? It's definitely not one of those situations where you she comes over and you're like I'll be back in five minutes and then you walk out and then you're like coming in in like a latex suit with a paddle in like attack mode. Do not do that, right, right god, can you imagine that'd be?

Speaker 3: 45:49

terrifying. Yeah, to traumatize a woman and anyone else, or a man, anyone you wouldize anyone. So at the same time, you're discussing toys and sexuality and what you enjoy. That is a time to bring it up.

Speaker 1: 46:04

Yeah, yeah, that's a good point, especially if you are looking for a kinky partner, if you know that having a kinky is an important part of your intimate life. That conversation really, even if you're looking for your life partner or your person, that conversation needs to happen early in the dating process. I mean, do not think that you can take, especially a woman who has had zero interest in BDSM her whole life and like turn her into a kinky bitch. Not that I'm saying it can't happen. I just wouldn't bank on that. I would.

Speaker 1: 46:43

I would talk up front in the first couple of dates about if that's a big part of your life. I would talk about hey, this is, these are some of the experiences I've had in the past. And you just start with BDSM light. Maybe don't even throw out the words BDSM, just say you know, one thing I've really enjoyed in my past sex life that I'd like to experiment with is spanking or asking do you like to be dominated or do you? Know if you like to be dominated.

Speaker 2: 47:13

Some people don't know.

Speaker 1: 47:14

Right, or do you like to be more dominant in? Bed or do you like to feel more submissive, or you know that's a great conversation.

Speaker 1: 47:23

That's actually a great conversation that can lead into the toy conversation when you talk about hey, are you? You seem depending on like someone could easily say to me like you seem like a pretty dominant woman, like how does that look in bed? And I would probably I might surprise them with my response and that's a great lead in. That's just a fun conversation to have. It's not like dirty sex heavy, it's kind of talking about personality and energy and that, don't you think that would be good?

Speaker 3: 47:58

Absolutely. And also if, yet again, if you decide to have this conversation and the person on the other end is horrified that person is not for you.

Speaker 1: 48:11

So I want to wrap this conversation up in a little bit of a package. We've definitely kind of gone all over the place, because it's not. Let's be clear, it's not. There is no clear answer to this other than I think we all agree yes, in your own self-pleasure practice, you should be getting toys period, and those toys should well get some just for your own self right, like for sure, for sure. But it's also wise to maybe start stocking up on toys that you could bring to a relationship when you start dating a woman.

Speaker 1: 48:41

So finding toys that can both be used on your body, so you get to know how to use them, and that can then also be used to pleasure a woman. Clear answer on that Every person of every gender should be getting sex toys and exploring their own pleasure potential. I don't care what age you are at. I don't care if you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 80s. That potential is forever expansive. Should you bring toys from a past relationship into a new relationship? Answer to that is I say yes, you should be, able to do that.

Speaker 1: 49:26

Your new partner should be adult enough to understand that has been cleaned, yeah, the dick has been in the prior partner and if you're okay with it and you, it's no different than the toy or the house or whatever you're all up in another woman's probably cleaner. Yeah, probably probably used on on fewer other people. So then the next question was when to introduce that, and that got complicated, and that's where we had big discussions. I think we all agree if you're having a one night stand like, what's the risk?

Speaker 1: 50:01

what's the risk. Yeah, it's great zero zero risk at saying I mean don't. And when we say bring out the toys, I'm not talking about like don't bring out a flogger or a paddle, if you haven't already said to that one night stand hey, do you want to get a little kinky tonight? And if so, what does? What does that look like? That is consent based, but vibrators, cock rings, massagers.

Speaker 2: 50:23

Absolutely Let your one night stand partner choose. I mean yeah.

Speaker 1: 50:27

Like hey, yeah, let's play. Here are some options. Do you want them? Or do you just want me to start with my fingers in my mouth Like how hot would that be If you are looking for your person and you're in this dating process looking for love? Now that's a bit more of a path that's feeling out the person starting to have those conversations.

Speaker 2: 50:50

That's more of a like tiptoe, tiptoe, but eventually yeah, you're going to want to be like Don't tiptoe for too long. Exactly, yeah, be as authentic as you can Up front, up front.

Speaker 3: 51:02

Don't have them meet a representative and then change three months later, right Right, or six months later, or yeah, or a year later. Don't do that.

Speaker 1: 51:11

Don't do that to us Horrible idea. Don't do that to us. But what I think I was saying is like, if it's not a one-night stand, then don't like on the first in the first text or on the first date, be like sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex sex, because she's going to be like oh, you just want me for fucking, right?

Speaker 2: 51:28

So that's where you're going to be a little bit more careful, I mean, and that's the thing, how human of us.

Speaker 1: 51:34

I want to be careful in this conversation because I also don't want to destroy his dating life, because I know, look, everybody knows I talk about sex all the time. Right, that's what I do here. But when I am dating, and even if someone knows what I do and they, so, of course the first thing they want to do is talk dirty to me. I'm automatically, I'm done, unless I'm looking for a one night stand, and I'm just not in that place in my life right now. Like if I am going to be out and dating, like I'm doing it to find a person right. And so if you come in and you're like, oh, she has a sex podcast, I'm going to talk kinky and dirty.

Speaker 1: 52:13

I'm just like get the fuck out. Like I am looking for depth. I want you to know who I am. Yes, I'm going to make it clear. I mean, you're already going to know that down the road I want to play. But I want other conversations to happen and I think that women, generally speaking, even if they're sex positive, even if they're horny as fuck, if they are looking for a genuine connection, they want to know you're interested in their whole self, for sure, yeah absolutely so.

Speaker 1: 52:40

That's when I say tiptoe. It's like don't don't be a fucking horny dog right off the bat. If you're looking for your person, be your authentic self, drive some intimacy conversations, but don't be like hey, baby, yeah, I've got some butt plugs home I've got a paddle. I've got some restraints. How do you feel about?

Speaker 2: 53:00

that, um annette, I have to bring up the, the, the couple we both have dated. Yeah, that, my first date with them was when I walked into the bedroom was like 20 toys laid out and I had no experience with BDSM and it was wild.

Speaker 1: 53:22

How did you react to that? Like going into a situation I was really shocked.

Speaker 2: 53:29

I didn't even know they were into it, so like that was all. No, I didn't know anything. I was so naive, so naive and I had so many first experiences on that day. But I was looking for experiences. I was open to new experiences, but I definitely didn't know what I was getting into until I went into the bedroom.

Speaker 3: 53:54

Yes, you don't do that. Yeah, right, that's right. The fact that you I mean, thankfully, you were actually interested in all these things, but someone else no, I might just turn around and walk out back that door and be like at one point.

Speaker 2: 54:07

I had to go in the bathroom for about 30 minutes because I was. I just thought maybe I was gonna die of orgasms I was like so exhausted so exhausted. I was so exhausted I was like there's no way, I can do this anymore.

Speaker 1: 54:26

And then you went back and did it some more.

Speaker 2: 54:27

I did it more. Yes, it was insane.

Speaker 3: 54:29

That's also why SafeWorks exists, and you could have just been like enchiladas, I don't know.

Speaker 2: 54:34

I know, I know, yeah, it was wild.

Speaker 1: 54:37

Well I mean. So that's an interesting story. There's a lot you can take away from that. A it would have been nice to know it from. B the toys are the reason why she was exhausted from orgasms, which God damn, sounds amazing. And so there's something to learn from that, regardless of who you are and how you're dating. If you're a couple dating, if you're a single dude dating, if you're a woman dating, have a lot of toys and share with him whenever you want.

Speaker 2: 55:07

And dudes don't be scared of toys. I mean, they're not in competition with you.

Speaker 1: 55:12

Not in competition with you. Guys, go get toys. Go get toys. We're going to close this up with. I'm'm gonna round up some toy ideas for men to start stocking up on. Lucy was a great idea.

Speaker 1: 55:23

Get a wand you can use on yourself. Explore your own pleasure with a wand. It's not only for vulva owners. Um, a good cock ring. Please go to my playlist on my youtube channel at annette benedetti and check out my sex toy reviews. This is going to help you.

Speaker 1: 55:39

The nose vibrating cock ring. It is fucking amazing and I've had a lot of people buy it and come back to me and say thank you for recommending that. Another one that I think is great is by Fun Factory as well the Manta. It is a stroker and so and I have one and I love it because I can also use it on my clitoris and vulva I can use it on my nipples. If I am with a partner with a penis, I can use it while I'm giving a blow job. My partner with a penis can use it to stroke himself. You can also have it around your penis so that when she gets on top of you, it vibrates and turns your cock into a vibrating penis. The Manta is literally for everybody. It's by Fun Factory, so is the nose cock ring. You can get them for 20% off with my code SELS20. What are some other toys you think would be great for men to buy and experiment with?

Speaker 3: 56:40

I mean experiment. Definitely get a good dildo, just nothing vibrating, just a silicone one. But also don't get cheap ones. Get a good quality one that is usually of a softer variety, not like the really hard ones, because I think those are more malleable and every vagina is obviously completely different, so that would be a little bit easier if it is a more softer texture. But definitely spend a little bit of money on one of those just because the cheaper you go, the worse the materials are.

Speaker 1: 57:14

I definitely say get one of those in whatever yeah, so that if you come first you can say, hey, like, let me keep penetrating you, I've got, uh, this dildo, you can get one that's soft, uh, like lucy had. I actually think what is brilliant and I've had happen in the past is for you to get like. There are glass dildos and wands, there are crystal dildos and wands. I love the cold feeling of, um, a glass dildo or wand slipping inside me, especially if I have had penetrative sex with someone. They've finished and maybe I'm getting a little sore, but I still want to come.

Speaker 1: 57:59

And then you lube up and slide a glass wand inside of me, especially if it has ridges, then that's sexy and I'm probably going to have pleasure if not come. Glass also warms up to your body temperature if you hold it. So, and that might be something that doesn't look like a dick. If you're bringing it to a new woman might be easier for her to take. If you pull out a dick shape, something she might be like what's, what's, you know that's true unless you're into being pegged and butt stuff?

Speaker 2: 58:38

Yeah, yeah, okay, cool. I like the glass too. I think that's a good one to have.

Speaker 1: 58:45

Ooh, blindfolds. Oh, that sounds fun. Maybe ticklers.

Speaker 3: 58:50

Sensation stuff Ticklers, gentle ones like the feathery kind.

Speaker 1: 58:54

Yeah, what about handcuffs? Or not handcuffs, but like anything restraining things?

Speaker 3: 59:00

I mean, you can just use a scarf, don't?

Speaker 1: 59:02

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 59:03

Don't pull out handcuffs. Handcuffs, especially metal ones, are the worst. Yeah, throw those into the garbage right away. Yeah, never buy those, right, in fact, save your money.

Speaker 1: 59:13

So there you go, you got the starter kit. You got the starter kit Things to get, definitely lube and condoms. I think we've walked out. We've covered this motherfucker.

Speaker 2: 59:22

Yeah, sounds good, good luck.

Speaker 1: 59:25

We did it Enlightened our end. Hey, let us know how it goes yeah. Let us know what you get, and then let us know what happens. The first time you yeah, try it out.

Speaker 2: 59:37

Please do you.

Speaker 1: 59:43

Yeah, try it out, please do, and send more questions for us, right? So if you have questions, comments, you can go to my youtube channel. It's at annette benedetti. You can drop a comment below this um video and I will get it. You can also email me at annette at sheexploreslifecom. That's what enlightened our end did. So send me a question. If you want Liberty to answer it or you want Lucy to answer it, just let me know and we'll cue one of them up to get you your answers and we will talk about anything Anything. Until next time We'll see you in the locker room. Yeah, anything, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 1:00:20

Until next time, we'll see you in the locker room. Cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.