How Long Should Sex Last (According to Women)?

How Long Should Sex Last According to Women? That’s right, we are digging into what the studies say about how long women want sex to last. In this episode, you’ll learn what the research qualifies as sex and how people of all genders feel about how long they want it to last. This episode it packed with plenty of tips and tricks for how to make it last as long as she wants and how to make sex feel better than ever.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:07

Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room Talk topic is how long should sex last according to women? Today I have Ruby, aka Deanna, back in the studio with me to talk about what women think about how long sex should last. And our cocktail, our shot for the afternoon it's actually pretty early in the day is the lick bang blow. Now, it's not. You're not going to find a lick bang blow on the internet because it was the suck on the internet, because it was the suck bang blow.

Speaker 1: 2:09

And I felt like that was very cock oriented. I felt like we would make it inclusive by throwing in a lick, yeah, yeah. So, ruby, yes, let's talk about our favorite podcast so far. Which one is it?

Speaker 2: 2:29

Well, you know, I the last one we did, seems to be very popular. And what was it called? And that was the semen facial.

Speaker 1: 2:42

What women really think about men's jizz, spoo, cum, ejaculate, ejaculate.

Speaker 2: 2:49

It's, it was a cum ejaculate, ejaculate. It was a lot of fun to do and it was even more fun to listen to. So if you haven't listened to it which a lot of you have- but if you haven't you need to go listen to it, because it is really good.

Speaker 1: 3:06

It's really good and you will learn a lot from us, ladies, I think.

Speaker 2: 3:10

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:11

We laid down some wisdom. We laid down some wisdom on facial so, but we're excited to talk about how long sex should last. We have strong opinions right.

Speaker 2: 3:21

We do. We always have strong. We always do, we do.

Speaker 1: 3:25

And we will not guide you wrong.

Speaker 2: 3:28

Never.

Speaker 1: 3:29

No, so let's get this started. Raise our glasses.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Now let's talk about sex.

Speaker 1: 3:36

Let's do it. I want to kick this conversation off with, of course, the information I discovered in advance for all of us to ponder together. Together, I wanted to research what science says about how long sex should last, and I think the most important thing that I uncovered in my studies up front is that we all have a one definition of what sex is, apparently, and it is dick in vagina, and beginning, I assume, with insertion and ending definitely with ejaculation. Science considers that to be sex. Now we have we got some time to talk about this, but that's inherently problematic, and it is problematic for queer folks, but it is also problematic, in my opinion, for straight folks, especially men, and we'll get to that.

Speaker 1: 4:38

But the one study that I found, cited again and again and again, consisted of a bunch of sex therapists who had spoken to women and had asked them what the desirable length of time for penetrative sex to last was and what they found in their response from let me be even more clear heterosexual women in particular and I feel so bad for you, bitches. After like, like reading these studies, I'm like oh my, heterosexual women, I gotta sit down and talk, ladies. But what I found was that what they were told was 7 to 13 minutes of penetrative sex. That was the desirable window of getting pounded by a cock before it ejaculates.

Speaker 1: 5:35

Not that long of a time. No, no, so I mean A for my male listeners out there. You know, fuck the pressure's off, right? I guess that should be good news for some of you. For me, I'm like I think there might be a whole bunch of bad sex going on out there.

Speaker 2: 5:53

Yeah, and I don't know if that puts the pressure off, because even though it's not a long amount of time, the focus of the time is all centered around the man's performance, so there might be more pressure put on right.

Speaker 1: 6:14

so you know I mean, that's the problem with the way that we as a society are approaching sex like. I mean, really, what it comes down to, the larger conversation, which we aren't going to attack completely in this episode, is what is sex? And look, I know I have made this assumption that all of the people looking up how long sex should last are most likely humans with penises and most likely heterosexual men with penises, although that's not how we're going to approach this conversation, because I, as a queer woman, have actually found myself, while having sex with another woman, wondering the exact same thing as my fucking fist was slowly giving out. That's right. Sometimes a hand can go limp folks, really can. It happens, it happens lowly giving out, that's right. Sometimes a hand can go limp folks, really can it happens, it happens.

Speaker 1: 7:15

So, um, yeah, so it's problematic. It's problematic to me that that quote science or scientific research or a study that is considered a study, even um, focuses on the definition of sex being penetrative, like dick and vagina, then coming and I get like I don't know. You know people can argue it's biology and you know they were looking at a biological, but I believe we've evolved as a society past, you know, approaching sex in that way, regardless of your identity, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 2: 7:52

Yeah, I mean so if we're talking about it as biology sex, when we talk about sex, we're talking about pleasure, Right when you're talking about insertion of a penis in a vagina and ejaculation, that is creating another life. That is how babies are.

Speaker 1: 8:15

It is mating, that is mating.

Speaker 2: 8:17

So that is not sex. Oh, I like that. So if you really want to look at it scientifically, you're thinking about the act of procreation rather than the act of sex, because sex has nothing to do with procreation, it's all pleasure Wow.

Speaker 1: 8:35

Well, well, folks, there you go I am. I hadn't. Yeah, you're right, sex and meeting are two different things, absolutely so, hey guys, you've been looking up the wrong question. It should have been how long, how long does mating take? And in that case, however long it takes you to come and there you go, yeah, seven minutes, so I want to go further, all right.

Speaker 1: 9:09

So this was the first study I looked up. I was very quote, fancy and like here are the numbers that this is how long you know you should last if you want to be desirable. But then I stumbled upon the next article, which was published in GQ. I didn't expect much of it because of that, and it said it was how long should sex last according to women? And it was indeed written by a woman writer and she did her own poll and I will say at least she included she did a nod to the fact that it wasn't inclusive, um, so I appreciated that. And she included non-binary people. I have to assume these are non-binary people who have vulvas and vaginas, because again it went right back to penetrative sex. She did include asking women, uh, about, um, foreplay as well, and the results that came back were once again sort of stunning to me. What she found was, on average, what the women said is they wanted penetrative sex to last between five to ten minutes and then throw in like maybe 15-ish minutes of foreplay and done.

Speaker 1: 10:38

And what I found most interesting was this writer when, when some of the women would answer like I'd like, I'd like to have that an hour of sexy time. She was like oh, oh, that's way too much. Like good on you, but that's overwhelming. And I'm like how the fuck are you people fucking? Like, look, I know sometimes you just like want to bang one out before bed, but that's like that is. That's sad to me. I don't know. I love having hour hours of sex.

Speaker 2: 11:08

Well, I think once again when she is like, oh, it's too long, she's thinking purely on she didn't know she threw.

Speaker 1: 11:18

She threw foreplay. She said this was the average, like sexual interaction.

Speaker 2: 11:22

That these women wanted. Our was too long she.

Speaker 1: 11:26

Oh yeah, yeah, she was. I mean, and that was kind of repeat, and from what she was pulling, these women everyone's kind of like they want about what it looks like. A 25 minutes, more than 25 minutes, and you're pushing it for sex is that, is that how you fuck? Well, I mean, you've been married for a long time. Do you use that? What tell me as a married woman?

Speaker 2: 11:47

well, as a married woman. It all depends um. And then you know, age, work, stress there's so many aspects, right? Um, ideally, though, I don't think an hour's too long like an hour of intimacy. I mean, maybe, if you're talking like longer than a movie, I don't know, I'm trying to think my attention span.

Speaker 1: 12:13

The irony of that diana is.

Speaker 1: 12:16

As she made a comment, she had a reference to a movie like who can do it for the length of the movie, and I'm like me, me, oh, and I think for me some of it is like it takes me a long time to come, and then here's here is the. Here is kind of the kick in the pants for people who fuck me, like after I come, that's when I really want to fuck, I don't know. When I think of sex, though, I think of everything from like when you start making out and getting gropey, to foreplay, which for me, can go on for quite a bit of time. And foreplay hey guys, spoiler alert foreplay is sex. Yes, right, so when you're going down on a woman or a woman's going down on you that you're already engaging in sex is sex or even just like groping fingering um rubbing over the clothes dry humping right that's.

Speaker 2: 13:18

That's a sexual act. You're having sex and part of sexual pleasure anything that brings you sexual pleasure is sex.

Speaker 1: 13:28

Yeah, you're having sex. So I don't know, I like you know I get. Sometimes you got to just bang it out, but I like the buildup, which can take on so many forms. And if you're like me and you have, you know, a drawer full of toys, like I like to use a couple of different toys in a session and then, and then you know, penetration is great. Uh, whether I'm with somebody who has a penis or someone who has a fake penis or a dildo or a whatever like, penetration is great. I also would say I don't want to just be penetrated for five to 10 minutes. Five to 10 minutes, I think. I think the reason why women feel that way is because it's like, okay, we make out, you go down and suck on my pussy a little bit and you make sure I'm wet and then you stick your penis in pound, pound, pound, come and done. But that's not how you fuck guys, that's not how you fuck.

Speaker 2: 14:32

No and I think that might be part of it too is it's almost seen as a chore or an obligation and a routine. Yeah, like I'm obligated to let you stick your penis in me, right, because that's what I need to do as a woman. Um, I think, even though we want to think we're very progressive and we've come a long way as a society and as women, I think still we really have those things ingrained in us to where, you know, we see ourselves kind of in the submissive role when it comes to men and women Right, even if we say we don't, even if we say, oh no, I'm a feminist, fuck the patriarchy. It's just ingrained in us because of how we've been raised, how society is right, and so I think when you kind of come to terms with that, that's when you can get beyond that and you can kind of so you know, I mean because I'll admit, there were times I was like, oh god, yeah, five minutes please.

Speaker 1: 15:46

Just just pound it out.

Speaker 2: 15:48

Yeah, let's just get this done, because I didn't think it was really about me. It wasn't about me, it was more about my male partner Taking care of his needs.

Speaker 1: 15:58

Yeah, I don't think that's I I'm going to assume. I'm sure there are plenty of men. If you're with men who do just want to like pound it, like they don't care how interested you are, but my experience, like that's not what they're looking for. And you know, what was really powerful to me when I was in a heteronormative marriage like situation and and having sex was the day I realized I could say to my husband at the time. I could say to my husband at the time I am not obligated to fuck you, I'm not obligated to, you know, to take care of this need. And I'm less than having to say that to him.

Speaker 1: 17:29

It was something I had to say to myself, like I am under no obligation to take care of this need If I'm not feeling it. I do need to look at like, what is that about? And how am I going to be fair to my partner who has needs if I don't want to meet them for one reason or another? I think that when you're in that kind of dynamic with someone where you're just like let's just pound it out and get it done, we need to get our two times in this week, Then yeah, if you're in that frame of mind, then yeah, like five to 10 minutes in and out, let's get this done. You know, and I can see how that can kind of happen in any relationship, but I don't think that should be the norm.

Speaker 2: 18:06

No. And then going back on what you said about, you know you're not obligated to satisfy that need of your partner and you know how to kind of handle that. You know when we need to eat, we get ourselves food, right. When we need to go to the bathroom, we take ourselves to the bathroom. When we need that release. If there's no one there who's going to give that to you, you're an adult Masturbate. You can give that to yourself. Give it to yourself, right, if you don't want to put the energy in.

Speaker 2: 18:52

So, just like you know, I'm not obligated to satisfy that need of yours, You're not obligated to satisfy that need of mine. So if we have that need at a different time, we can take care of that need as adults ourselves.

Speaker 1: 19:07

Right, right, and I think, yeah, I think people need to be more comfortable with that. But you can definitely get into this frame of mind where of obligatory sex with your partner and also just feeling like, well, if we're not having sex, things aren't great, and maybe that's true, um. But I think maybe the question really should be more how long should good sex last? And good sex in my mind, it's not about penetration, it's not about ejaculation, it's about, like, all of the intimate stuff, all of the play, like I think we've talked before a little bit about how sex between two people or three people who have however many people you invite into your sex circle, is about. It really is a time to like get to play with your partner and be creative sexually really is a time to like get to play with your partner and be creative sexually.

Speaker 1: 20:01

And I I think good sex is however long you can like sit and really enjoy each other, like you get to get naked and touch each other's body and do fun things. And sometimes it's like, oh, we're in an elevator or we've got five minutes till friends come and you're like so hot you just want to bang it out and that's sexy and hot. You know a little 10 minute like hiding in the next room and fucking. That's really hot. But when it becomes, oh, let's bang for 15 minutes, just go down and lick my pussy first so it's wet, and then stick your dick in that's, that's not a good sex.

Speaker 2: 20:42

No, that's not good sex. No, and I really think this doesn't have a definitive answer, because it depends. It depends on where your mindset is at the time, it depends on other elements, it depends on you as a person yeah, well, don't you think all?

Speaker 1: 20:56

So it's a very Cox centric question. Let's be honest.

Speaker 1: 20:59

I think most of the most of what people want to know is that that are looking at this question, want to know how long should my Cox stay hard? That's what I'm assuming is that it is. This is a question posed, googled, searched by men who are concerned about longevity and and I want to say this, it doesn't, it doesn't matter how long you stay hard. I have had, and I'll tell you a story, a very good, fantastic, specific story of some amazing sex I had with a man who had a penis, who was heterosexual, and it didn't actually end up involving his penis at all. I was traveling, I matched with him, we went on a date and we just like connected. It was amazing.

Speaker 1: 21:52

I met his friends that night I mean it was like this whole adventure and, of course, ended up back at his house and we'd had drinks and had drinks at his friend's house. Both of us were like had definitely boozy and went to start messing around, got to what would have typically have been the penetrative sex point and whiskey dick happened and looking back to that night, I don't even remember that aspect of it because it didn't stop anything. We actually continued to have sex all night long, despite, you know, the booze having affected his ability to get erection, and it was amazing sex and he was not self-conscious about it. It wasn't something we even talked about and I don't know, I think part of it might be that, because I do have sex with women like that just wasn't really an issue for me because there was so many other things to do. Um, as we like had sex for the night and the next morning came and you know he was going to drop me off and we were just like, oh my God, that was like an incredible night.

Speaker 1: 22:58

It was just an incredible night and he actually, as we kept in touch and saw each other off and on for a while after, he would actually have to remind me that we didn't have penetrative sex that night. Like I just didn't think about it. It was like it's like of course we had sex, it was sex and it was amazing. It was some of the best sex I had had in forever and that's how I remember it. And there was no penetration, I mean, of penis and vagina. There was definitely like other kinds of penetration and it was, you know, ranks very highly in my sexual experiences and I think that is something for men to like hear a story for men to hear and like, really take to heart, yeah, and we just cheers to like awesome sex.

Speaker 1: 23:49

That has nothing to do with like penetrative penis ejaculation, right, you know. I mean not that the penis is still nice. It was nice that it was there, it just wasn't. It was not the point.

Speaker 2: 24:02

Penis isn not the point For our male listeners. I really hope what you can get out of this is you don't need to search how long. If. If you are really excited and into your partner and you come after having your dick in her for two minutes, that's okay. That doesn't mean the world has ended and it doesn't mean things are stopping. We're not stopping the line. Don't stop there, because you came Right and honestly, I think I don't think it's women that put this expectation on men. It's other men, because I have only heard other men comment on men. Oh, you probably can't even stay hard, but women I have. That's not a problem, can I tell you I?

Speaker 1: 24:59

feel I feel a little bit proud when someone goes to fuck me and they come real quick, because it makes me feel like I'm really hot, but it's only okay if then they continue to do the work. And so I would say, if you're worried about the fact, let's say that you happen to fear coming quickly. Just get a bag of tricks, man. Get a bag of tricks, yeah, and be willing to use your hand and be willing to use your mouth and be willing to explore her body and use your words.

Speaker 1: 25:33

Fuck her with your words for hours, um, and she'll forget how long you were in her. And then also you might just work up another heart on and fuck her again, and then she'll forget how long you were in her, and then also you might just work up another heart on and fuck her again and then she'll be like you got it up twice.

Speaker 1: 25:49

So that is for our male listeners, For our let's. Let's talk about queer sex and how long it should last. I mean, that's a legitimate question, deanna. I I have definitely. Maybe I I address these topics less because I feel lost. Have you ever been fucking a woman and thought to yourself when does this end?

Speaker 2: 26:14

No, but I mean I think the answer is the same, no matter what. I think what we need to address is what's harder when you're with a woman? Is it kind of easier to kind of figure out where that end is with a male?

Speaker 1: 26:37

partner. Not only do they go limp, they like get sleepy Right. That seems to be very much a man thing.

Speaker 2: 26:45

But with a woman partner there really isn't that, no, and so you kind of have to.

Speaker 1: 26:52

Also can I add there isn't that, and we also like to continue to emotionally fuck each other Right For a while, like there's the physical intimacy, but we are simultaneously emotionally fucking each other and it's like okay, at what point do we stop and go to sleep?

Speaker 2: 27:08

right. So I mean, the question would be how do I respectfully, or what is the etiquette, to tap out, tap out, tap out? Oh God, and I never really thought about that before.

Speaker 1: 27:25

I did, I did.

Speaker 2: 27:28

I think it's just. I mean, there has to be some communication, yes, but of course okay. So it's easy to say. It is easy to say, but if you're trying to like so, look as a bi woman.

Speaker 1: 27:38

Let's be honest, when we get in bed with a, a woman, as by women we, it is challenging for us for for many reasons again, not meant for this podcast, but actually getting to the point where you're in bed with a woman, it's like sometimes this, like you know, like it's an amazing moment and you're like I'm here and I'm gonna give it my everything. So, having gotten there, you don't want to be the one that's like, hey, am I done? Yet time out, I can't feel my fingers anymore. I mean, I do, can I? I going to tell a little funny story.

Speaker 1: 28:22

So, and it was really the first time I found myself thinking about men and like feeling like God. Do they feel this way sometimes? I was dating a woman this last summer, like early last summer, this last summer, like early last summer, and simultaneously listeners I was. I was building my own tiny home with my bare hands. Uh, and I am a small woman.

Speaker 1: 28:50

Um, I wouldn't say I'm particularly strong or I've not done a lot of hard labor in my life. And I was doing legit hard labor. I was digging a sewer trench for a month a month. What? Four to five hours a day. And what happened during this time was my hands became inflamed. I guess that's the only way to explain it. If you are a guy out there who's done hard labor, I'm assuming you totally know what I'm talking about. But at some point my hands, like I would go to bed at night and they would just be fucking throbbing when I would walk down the street and it was very hot, it was like the hot part of the summer I had to hold my hands up so the blood wouldn't, like wouldn't run down to my fingertips and just throb there. That's how bad. It was Extremely painful and I was dating this woman at the at the time, um, and she was an anomaly to me.

Speaker 1: 29:52

She really loved, uh, penetrative, pounding, um, so what would bring her to orgasm was using my hand like a cock and and fucking her um that way, which was really fun. Uh, it wasn't something I had done before. However, what I learned is that this could go on like uh, because you know I, I could do it for a while and then she'd come, and then she'd be ready again. She'd come and it um, and it was a lot of work. It was a lot of work and my hands, oh my God, my hands during that time. I mean, this didn't.

Speaker 1: 30:32

It wasn't from the beginning, but at one point it was like my fucking hand was in so much pain, so much pain, and I would be fucking her, thinking to myself how long, how long, how long is long enough, dear God. And so I really was caught up in that moment and I had this moment of like. I mean, I don't think I didn't feel like men necessarily had that same problem, but I started to understand the need for knowing what is the time limit. When is it fair to say enough's enough? And I didn't want to blow it Right. So because I was, you know, I liked her, I didn't want to. It's hard to say to someone who's still really enjoying it and someone you want to impress and someone you want to keep turned on and thinking you're sexy and this sex, god or goddess, it's hard to say, hey, I need to go put my fucking hand on ice.

Speaker 2: 32:38

I need an ice bath for my hand, you know, or whatever.

Speaker 1: 32:41

for guys it's like, yeah, I need to give him a little time to get back up. Um, so it can happen in non heterosexual situations I mean there has to be.

Speaker 2: 32:54

I mean, when it's not pleasurable for both people, it should be over, I would think.

Speaker 1: 33:03

I want to get on board with that. But as a woman who takes some time to come sometimes well, you're right I always want to think my partner is sometimes you gotta fake it. I want to think look, I guess I'm being selfish. I'm like not only do I need you to get me off, I need you to make me believe that you're enjoying every fucking second of it.

Speaker 2: 33:23

I mean, if you're enjoying every fucking second of it. I mean, if you're not enjoying every second of it, why are you here? Well, I don't want to know what. They're here to give me off but I mean I really, because you know, when you're in a sexual act with another person, when one of those people is no longer having pleasure, yeah, that's terrible, it's not fair to that person.

Speaker 1: 33:47

But I mean, then we're back to the beginning, deanna, what if that guy who comes in five minutes and this is a real thing, Look, I had a lesbian on this show. I don't know if you guys listened to the trimming, scissoring episode, but go back and listen to it. I don't know if she spoke to it there, but I have spoken to a lesbian who was like after I come, I'm just done having sex. She goes into that what's called, you know, refractory period, where she's like it's no longer pleasurable to fuck around at all. So what happens then? If you end up with a partner, a male partner, a female partner, who's like that they come, come really quick, you've got me over here who like fuck, even when I'm fucking myself, like 10 to 15 minutes would be like amazing. Um, and what if they're just done and it's no longer and I'm never reaching my orgasm? Then what do you do?

Speaker 2: 34:40

well, I mean, that's when you guys need to figure out how you can make it work to where both people are getting what they need out of it, right?

Speaker 1: 34:50

but so maybe that's the thing. Sex should last as long as it takes for both people to get what they need out of it, while not leaving one person fucking when they don't want to right. It's just cheers. We don't have a fucking clear answer for you, all right. So I do have some thoughts on on how we can help everyone, though.

Speaker 2: 35:12

And how's that?

Speaker 1: 35:14

I would say if you are someone that comes quickly and you're with someone who doesn't come quickly, then you know you got to do a lot of work up front before you stick your dick in or before you. You know, whatever it is that's going on, you've got to make sure the other person like in my case, like I said, like it takes me quite a while to come the first time, and then after I come the first time, I really want to have sex. I really really want penetrative sex and at that point, after I've already had an orgasm like five to 10 minutes of penetration I'm like I could you know, I could just enjoy all the penetration. Um, so I think it's really like each partner has to know what they need and want. You have to talk about how that can be met.

Speaker 1: 36:07

I think also, finding the right sexual match is really important, you know I enjoy partners who want to like spend time, like, let's say, we're watching a movie, like we can watch a movie. Put a little vibrator on me. Will we watch the movie together? After an hour and a half that I'll be ready to go, hey, I mean, you can start playing with each other long before you actually like get hot and heavy into it.

Speaker 2: 36:37

Right, absolutely, yeah, I mean I think you know they they say sexual relationship for a reason. I mean I think you know they say sexual relationship for a reason. So when you're intimate with someone, that is a sexual relationship, and all relationships take work, take compromise, communication. You know some give and take and so you need, you know it doesn't sound fun, you need to treat it like a relationship, but it is a relationship. You are in a relationship with this person.

Speaker 2: 37:12

So I think we don't want to think about the work part of it, but there is the work part of it, the work part of it, and I think it's really important that if you have a male partner, that you make it clear to them that you're not watching the clock, you don't have a stopwatch going as soon as they start penetrating you to make sure that they are performing up to par. Oh, because that is not what is important, right, if we were mating, that would be the focus, right? But we're being intimate and we're giving pleasure to each other and so if you come in 30 seconds or in 30 minutes, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1: 38:50

Right.

Speaker 2: 38:51

You know, what matters is that we both are feeling that we're getting equal time and equal energy.

Speaker 1: 39:02

Right and that your partner really wants to turn you on. Yeah, and please you. I think for both men and women, because at least in my experience, I've been with both men and women and again I've said this again and again at least at this point in my dating life I have not been with trans or non-binary people. So I only speak to my own experience and I think the most important thing, because, as being someone who definitely is never the first one to have an orgasm unless my partner is like making sure that I'm having an orgasm first it's important to me that my partner knows that sex doesn't end with their orgasm and that I don't have to ask for that and that they you know what I I mean if they're going to go ahead and come first, I they, you know need to still be interested. Like I cannot continue to be with someone. I would not continue to be in a sexual relationship with someone who thought it all ended when they came, even if I didn't.

Speaker 1: 40:03

Because, first of all, I think I get, I get self-conscious about the fact I really want to be like those. Like if I had a dick and I came in five minutes, I mean that would be amazing. I mean, you still have so many other. I don't even have a dick, I don't even have a dick. And when I fuck a woman like, so what If my dick was done in five minutes? Well, I've got a hand and I've got a mouth and I've got toys, and so let's talk tips, all right, let's talk tips.

Speaker 1: 40:36

Tips For having good sex, regardless of it, like if you come quick, if that's one of your problems, whether you are a woman or a man. But specifically, I think let's start with guys. Let's start with guys. Also, for all of you ladies out there who are saying I only want like 10 to 15 or what, 5 to 10 minutes of penetration, like I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you Because I also used to be like that and now, um, in my most recent experiences, I have like really enjoyed penetration and it can. It can literally uh, go on for and not go on, but cumulatively be like a half hour 45 minutes well, and you what's interesting is so much can play into how long penetration you want.

Speaker 2: 41:33

Right, past trauma, yeah, the relationship, like what's going on inside your head, like so much your body, how lubricated you are yeah. Or I mean the anatomy of yourself. I mean there's some times when five minutes penetration is fine by me, but it's because of my anatomy, like it physically hurts, and no one really talks about those things Right. So there's so many factors that play in and we just seem to pinhole it Right. And it is such a vast, vast thing.

Speaker 1: 42:18

Right, yeah, yeah, I mean, I think for me, like, so I said earlier, I can have penetration that goes on for like half hour or more, but that's not all, with necessarily a cock, even when my partner has a cock. Um, so I mean, because, again, it does take me longer to have an orgasm. I don't expect and and and really my orgasms don't necessarily come from penetration, but I love to have an orgasm while I'm being penetrated, if I can. I like penetration. I like it when it starts with fingers and then we have a toy and then maybe the cock, and then the cock. You know, maybe it comes, so I'm not done, and then it's fingers again and other toys and mixing it up, and that can go on for a long time. For me I have recently discovered well, I don't come quickly, I have multiple orgasms, um, so I, and I think that's why I like, uh, you know, I have an orgasm and then I'm like my body's like, okay, it sucks for you that it took us this long, but now let's like go.

Speaker 2: 43:27

Now it's on.

Speaker 1: 43:33

And so finding like there are so many different ways to be penetrated and if you have a partner who's into you and your body and pleasuring you, it takes and I've kind of discovered this, not through, necessarily, my female partners, but through my male partners.

Speaker 1: 43:45

Through my male partners I've been lucky to have a male partner who, um, is really into like, obviously really like his cock and my pussy, but but then was really into exploring how to pleasure me with other toys that penetrated me and that took away the pressure altogether, like come in five minutes if you want, it doesn't matter, because there are all of these other ways that we can continue to have sex. I think the big thing for I would say well, apparently both men and women, uh, to master, if you are someone that comes quickly and then goes into a refractory period where you no longer experience, like you're kind of like I'm done, like I don't want to really really fuck around, I don't feel sexy at all anymore, like you need to work on that. You need to work on that. Or you're selfish, you're a selfish lover and or you got to find someone else who also comes in five minutes and that's what makes them happy or what you need to do is learn ways to hold off on your kind of orgasm.

Speaker 1: 44:51

Orgasm, you have to.

Speaker 2: 44:52

Yeah, like if you are a man with a dick and you know that as soon as I put this in that wet pussy, I got five minutes tops Right and it's over, and then I'm going to be needing a nap. Five minutes tops Right and it's over, and then I'm going to be needing a nap and you know that she needs more than five minutes, then hold off on sticking your dick in that wet pussy.

Speaker 1: 45:17

Yeah, Like absolutely Do lots of other things up front.

Speaker 1: 45:20

Learn to love. There's fun things to do. So many fun things. Get into toys, get into using your hand, get into using your tongue. Yeah, so many fun things. Get into toys, get into using your hand, get into using your tongue, find ways to be, like, excited by her body and having the opportunity to touch her. There are also things you can do and, again, like I'm sure GQ has all of the tips for this, but you know you can put your cock in and then do that squeeze thing that keeps you from coming, and I mean there's all of those basic tips to, like you know, put it in, pull it out, use something else, wait until you calm down. But if you come first and you haven't taken care of her and you want to take a nap, too fucking bad, too fucking bad.

Speaker 2: 46:06

And if you're not excited and turned on by her, to where? You're perfectly fine with focusing on her, because you know, get yourself a fleshlight or a watermelon or warm cantaloupe, whatever you need, but that's not her job or a sex worker Right Right.

Speaker 1: 46:40

Pay a woman out there who is doing that for a job, because you should be turned on by that person.

Speaker 2: 46:47

You're being intimate with. Right, you should be turned on by that person you're being intimate with. And if you're not turned on by them and you're just there to get off, then go get a sex worker who that's their job, that's what they are there and you can compensate them for that or take care of it yourself.

Speaker 1: 47:03

Take care of it yourself because it doesn't feel good, I think, to be someone's partner who does that and you get left and I have listened to so many women talk about um, I've heard terrible stories about women who, you know, uh, are with a guy and he rolls over, humps her and then rolls over and goes to sleep.

Speaker 2: 47:20

And when she's just laying there.

Speaker 1: 47:23

Um, I know I've probably been there in the past. No, I've probably been there in the past. It's been quite a while. I don't do that anymore. I just I'm very selfish. When I was not even selfish, but I just said that and that's not right, but whatever. When I was in my all the way up into my 20s, into college, I was a performative sex person. Like I thought a woman got her status by being a good lay, so it was very much like I was performing to make men think that I was very good in bed. And then one day I woke up and I was like this sucks, I'm not having orgasms. And I got very selfish and and it and it kind of almost flipped the other way, like I'm not doing this unless you can get me off.

Speaker 1: 48:05

And now I really love the energetic exchange. I love, I love having sex when I can really be with someone who wants to play and get dirty and try different things and be exploratory. And you know, and yeah, I explore, I go on sexual adventures Like it's a fun adult thing to do. They can be very healthy, right. But I do think, and I want to, I'm going to share a little thing.

Speaker 1: 48:34

At one point not so long ago I want to say maybe six years ago I did realize like I would have this huge sex drive that was going on.

Speaker 1: 48:46

But the minute I came, there's that meme out there that I think is so funny. It's like this woman who's scrawling the word whore on the mirror. And it's like after you've, you know, just had an orgasm and like realized all the texts you sent while you were horny that you wish you could take back, like I would have this incredible sex drive where I'd get really horny and kinky and certainly sexed in very inappropriate, wonderful ways. And then the minute I had an orgasm I would really experience that refractory period because that's alone the minute I had the orgasm. My head would come out of that and I would feel a lot of shame around all of the thoughts I had and I worked really hard to because I knew that some of that refractory period and the drop of my sex drive was attached to shame. Then I would go back into that shame place I'm like oh, you dirty whore Annette, why would you send that text?

Speaker 1: 49:44

Why would you think that thing, why would you want that thing? Why would you ever want that? And now I'm like, oh yeah. So I did a lot of work to get past the sex drive, dropping off the minute I came. And now look at me, now I have an orgasm. I'm like let's go.

Speaker 2: 50:00

And you know, I think that's so. I am the parent of millennials and I think that's one thing I really respect and like about millennials Is they don't have shame in their desires, and that's amazing.

Speaker 1: 50:20

Can you even imagine?

Speaker 2: 50:21

Like my daughter might kill me for this, but she might not. But my daughter is very open about the fact that she loves toys and she has been single and she's fine being single and she is open about using those toys and, um, I thought about it and when I was her age and I thought about it and when I was her age I would be mortified if anyone knew I had a vibrator. But do you?

Speaker 1: 50:58

remember the vibrators from our generation. They were like, made of like hard plastic.

Speaker 2: 51:01

Well, they're allowed to, or I would be mortified if anyone knew that I masturbated.

Speaker 2: 51:08

Or I would be mortified if anyone knew that I masturbated and I'm like to be. If only I felt that free and didn't have the shame that I had. And that's really refreshing and I understand. You know we see all the memes about millennials and there are some downfalls, but there's downfalls to all generations. I'm a Gen Xer and we've got our downfalls too so many. But one thing I really respect about millennials is they really just are open about their wants, their needs and their desires, right, right.

Speaker 1: 51:46

And let's cheers to that. Millennials, I'll tell you what Deanna All the younger generations I'd hop on their ride. I mean, it's been pretty. Deanna and I are both Gen Xers and certainly I think for us it's been more of a struggle to be, uh, to rid ourself of the shame that we grew up in and seriously, uh, we, I, I think I can safely say that a lot of gen x women started out having really bad sex with gen x guys. X guys, you got a little bit of boys to go. But I mean, I think also we have to own the fact that we don't have to own it. We had a lot of shame placed upon us.

Speaker 2: 52:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 52:34

Now we're all just dirty little whores.

Speaker 1: 52:37

We had a lot of like blame, yeah, so now I just want to have a lot of long-lasting fun, good sex, and guess what Sex has. Again, when I say that I don't, it's not about your cock and how hard it stays and for how long. It's about how long you can stay in the headspace, the fucking headspace, literally the fucking headspace where you're just having fun and playing with me and enjoying my body and I'm enjoying yours and we're being, we're sharing our fantasies and we're, you know, sometimes laughing and sometimes you know that atmosphere, when you're in a bedroom with someone and you're able to play, fuck, fucking, you can't get into that in 25 minutes, right, that is not a 25 minute fuck, that is hour or two hours, you know. And not that I would expect that every night, certainly. I don't expect that every night, but a couple times a week.

Speaker 1: 53:35

Yeah, I want to pull out seven toys and, you know, start with a glass of champagne at dinner and get a little dirty and then exchange some oral sex and then play with a toy and then, maybe, if the person I'm dating has a cock, then that comes into play for a while and then it gets put away and then we do other. You know, right, I would like sex, actual sex for me at least, like in a long-term relationship. Like in a long-term relationship, I would want sex at least once a week, probably twice a week. That would last a couple of hours, an hour or two, an hour or two of just like that's what we're doing tonight. We're getting naked, we can have dinner in bed while we do it.

Speaker 1: 54:18

I want it to last for a while and then, you know, a night or two outside of that. Then we can do the more, the quicker version, if that's what's needed. Clicky in the shower. I did have one night where my partner and I were watching a movie and he watched a movie while I, you know, laid on top of him and I used a clit-sucking toy on myself and he rubbed my legs until, you know, I came and then the movie ended and we went and had great sex and that was awesome To me. That was a long sex session with a little break.

Speaker 2: 54:52

And I like how you mentioned. You know you can stop and laugh, you can have like while you're having sex, and we all have agreed now that it's not just penetration.

Speaker 1: 55:03

It's not.

Speaker 2: 55:03

It's that pleasure, that it's not. It's that pleasure, that act of pleasure, and you know, sometimes you kind of something will happen because things happen and you laugh a little and then you're like laying there and you're laughing about it and you can talk for a while and you're talking and then you go back like that's still part of the sex, so that's, the timer's still clicking people, that's right.

Speaker 1: 55:27

You're still fucking her, that's right. You know that's so funny because I used to deanna. The thing that's funny is the kind of sex we're talking about right now I used to refer to as girl sex. That was the kind of sex I had with women, and I mean like because sex with women, because again, the question is, how long should? We still haven't answered that Like with women, because there isn't this traditionally defined.

Speaker 1: 55:51

It starts with this, it ends with that, based around a dick, girl sex can really go on for a long time and and so for a long time I was like, oh, that's girl sex, where we get together and we start drinking and then we start like touching and there's so much to explore, and then, like, we fuck, whether that's oral sex or penetrative, with my fingers or a toy, and then we, you know, I thought of that as girl sex or queer sex, I suppose. But what I've realized is this idea of what's heteronormative sex versus queer sex is problematic. I feel like it's problematic for well, everybody, but specifically heterosexual people, like heterosexual people, can enjoy this exact same kind of sex that queer people do. Right.

Speaker 1: 56:42

Because sex is sex sex that queer people do right, because sex is sex, that's right, that's right. Um, and I, and I really feel, you know, my heart kind of goes out for people that think that there should be something so different between how everybody's fucking right like it's not, like it's all about pleasure.

Speaker 1: 56:57

And I think that one of the reasons why I loved our podcast, the semen facial podcast, was because we did talk about how men or people with penises coming on the face of someone else was thought of as so dirty and bad. And there was that moment when we were talking and we said, well, it's like no, that's like the person you love, it's their body fluids, and I mean sex is all about these kinds of exchanges and why would I think that was bad? Right, and that's because of these ideas of what's the norm for healthy heteronormative sex, and I would suggest that what's been considered healthy heteronormative sex is actually quite unhealthy. Healthy heteronormative sex is actually quite unhealthy the fact that anybody would feel like ashamed because they have a cock and can't keep from coming, or like you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 57:55

Or keep it up long enough or all of that.

Speaker 2: 57:56

That's sad to me. I mean, pharmaceuticals are making lots of money on that.

Speaker 1: 58:02

Oh fuck, that's true I mean it's sad to me, but also it's true Like our health system then is like here's a pill for you.

Speaker 2: 58:08

So my partner, when he went in to see his new provider this was I don't know years ago he gave him his checkout paper and he knew that he had one medication. So he went to pick up his medication and he actually had two medications prescribed for him. One of them was viagra, shut up. He did not ask for it. He didn't even ask for it did he try it out though?

Speaker 2: 58:40

oh, of course, but he didn't ask for it. How rude. And so he, you know, was checking in with his provider over um, whatever, I forget even what he was being seen for, but he's checking out and his provider. The first thing he asked him was do you need more viagra? And he's like, oh well, I'll put in a prescription, so if you want it, and my husband's all, I'm not even asking for it. Wow, of course he gave it to you because you know you need to, you need to be able to puff that puppy up, right. But and then it was funny because then there's my husband who now is like did he give it to me? Because I'm at that age where you know things don't perform like they did when I was younger, am I not? And then he asked me do I need Viagra? I'm like, no, I really regret the day that Viagra came out, do you? I do, because I think that it has just really ingrained in men that they have to perform a certain way and they have to last.

Speaker 2: 59:50

And they have to last. Erectile dysfunction it's not a dysfunction, right, it happens. And when you talk about it as a dysfunction, that's shaming, right. And you know, being a woman, we deal with shaming all the time, right, right, and I know how that feels and so I feel really bad. And now you've got the bentcarrotcom, like okay, now guys, out, there, that dick has a curb, now they all are going to have shame in it. There, that dick has a curb, now they all are gonna have shame in it and be, and I just I think we're really good at shaming people for the dumbest things.

Speaker 1: 1:00:30

Yeah, I would agree, just to make money I want them to come out with a pill that makes me have orgasms quicker. Yeah, yeah. Why can't they give me that? Why can't they? They can get dicks hard, hmm.

Speaker 2: 1:00:45

Right, why can't they?

Speaker 1: 1:00:47

I don't know. I don't know, let's start. Let's wrap this. Start wrapping this up with like some advice. So you're on the internet, you're Googling how long should sex last? Let's make the assumption it's someone with a penis who's worried about it. Let's start there. Advice for that person.

Speaker 2: 1:01:11

Deanna, first of all clear your search bar and instead Google ways to turn on a woman sexually without my penis. I love that. That's my first bit of advice.

Speaker 1: 1:01:35

I like it, or ways to satisfy a woman without my dick. Yes, yes, that's it. I mean that's all we need to. That's, that's it. That's it, yeah, that's it. I mean that's all we need to. That's that's it. That's it. Yeah, that's what you need Change your brain, change your thoughts, change your focus.

Speaker 2: 1:01:54

There's not. There is no stopwatch under her pillow, under her boob, wherever you think she might be. Deanna has big boobs, all right.

Speaker 1: 1:02:04

No one like under your boob, wherever you think she might be hiding it. Deanna has big boobs, all right. No one like under your boob, jesus Christ, I do not have big boobs. If I did, I would definitely put a stopwatch under it.

Speaker 2: 1:02:19

If they come in handy for storage sometimes. But yeah, clear that search bar and search what is really important, and that is not focusing on how long your dick lasts, but focusing on how you can pleasure your partner well, I'm not gonna add to that.

Speaker 1: 1:02:37

I like it. Period, all right, now wait, the person Googling is a female.

Speaker 2: 1:02:43

Okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 1:02:50

See, look, we aren't so, we aren't. So sassy, you and we're talking. Okay, we should say the same thing, but let's just be honest, that's not what we're.

Speaker 2: 1:02:56

So I want her to clear that search bar, and what you're going to search is how to communicate my needs to my partner during sex.

Speaker 1: 1:03:12

That's specifically for bisexual women.

Speaker 2: 1:03:19

Right a sexual female. Clear your search bar and put in how to communicate ways for my male partner to arouse me without his dick. I like it.

Speaker 1: 1:03:36

Alright, I'm going to challenge you. What do you think lesbians should put in their search bar? Oh, she looks scared. No, I'm not scared, I Ooh. And she looks scared, no.

Speaker 2: 1:03:46

I'm not scared, I'm just going to have to think.

Speaker 1: 1:03:49

I am Fuck. We're bi women. We don't really know, Okay.

Speaker 2: 1:03:56

Okay, all my lesbian friends that are searching how long should sex last clear that search bar. What I want you to type in is how, as a woman, can I communicate with another woman about my sexual needs? Do you think?

Speaker 1: 1:04:19

there's even an article about that out there in you. There has to be, I don't know. I feel like that's kind of advanced for our society. But that's the first thing I'm going to search out there. Because I will say, in my own sex life, communicating with female partners about sex has been so much harder for me than with men. Now I feel like I've got the whole communicate with man thing down pretty, is that true? Anyways.

Speaker 1: 1:04:47

I mean communication is hard, it is hard and it's so necessary. So outside of that, dudes, you've got a quick fix, which is Viagra, in which case you're only going to put a Band-Aid on the problem. And, ladies, just don't try to dig a ditch for months in advance and lift some weights and use that hand until she finally goes to sleep. That's what I did I think that's all we got wait. Wait is that all we got? I don't know. Check it out. Oh, what should signify the end of sex and this podcast?

Speaker 2: 1:05:31

Well, we touched base on this before. The end of sex is when both people, or all people, involved. It's group sex, because it could not just be two. Yeah, when everyone involved has had their desirable, pleasurable needs of that moment met.

Speaker 1: 1:05:58

How about needs within a reason? Within reason yes, because like you know you can get like selfish, right?

Speaker 2: 1:06:03

No, we don't want to be selfish, because how would we feel if our partner did that to us? That's right. So when everyone that's at the table playing this fun little game of sex, when they're like, oh God, that was great. When everyone is like, oh, that was great.

Speaker 1: 1:06:23

Yeah, I'm satisfied when you're all ready I'm satisfied realistically when you're ready to get out the calendar and schedule your next session? Right, that's when? When it's done. I feel like we've answered this question in a real roundabout way.

Speaker 2: 1:06:42

We answered it, though I mean did answer it.

Speaker 1: 1:06:44

We've given some good ideas. I would give them some good thoughts Now. I did talk a lot about sex toys. Uh, if you go over to she explores lifecom and you look at the sex and relationship menu button, then you go down to sex toys, you're going to see a lot of articles about sex toys. If you go to our YouTube channel, annette Benedetti, on YouTube, I've been putting up videos of me reviewing sex toys and I've got a bunch of them to review. Hopefully, in the next couple of weeks there's going to be more and more going up. So go on over to that. Or scroll down to the description of this podcast and just click away on. I've got links. I'll have links to sex toys. I'll have links to a YouTube channel she explores life, um, and some of the sex toys in the description of this podcast will have discount codes. They're ones I really like that I'm using on myself regularly.

Speaker 1: 1:07:41

That I think you should get also to all of my listeners. I don't care what gender you are, I don't care about your sexual orientation. I want your questions, comments, thoughts, topics. You could decide the topic for our next episode. So please, please, please, DM me on our social medias or send me an email, send me your comments. Maybe someday I'll talk to you directly, but I'd love to hear what you're thinking, all of you. Until then, how long should sex last? Well, if you listen to the podcast, how long do you think it should last? I'd like to hear Deanna Annette. Until next time. Until next time, cheers, cheers. See you in the locker room Ring loop.