From Collar to Ring: Married & Submissive in a Dom/Sub Relationship

Ever wondered what it’s like to be married to a Dom?  In this Locker Room Talk & Shots podcast episode host Annette Benedetti talks to designer, photographer, & happily married submissive Hara Allison about her Dom/Sub BDSM relationship with her husband. Hara shares her journey starting with her initial encounter with BDSM at the age of 19, and the cause of the ensuing feelings of shame.

Listeners get the inside scoop on the intimate dynamics of a dominant and submissive relationship. Hara, illuminates the pivotal role of communication in ensuring safety while pushing the boundaries of pleasure. She reflects on her path to self-acceptance and offers insights into her BDSM relationship and marriage, which she describes as the most sexually fulfilling relationship of her life.

Find out more about Hara here: https://hara.photography/
and https://studioh-creative.com/
Find out how BDSM Practices can improve your vanilla sex life here:
https://sheexploreslife.com/these-bdsm-practices-improve-vanilla-sex-fast/ 

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Email: annette@talksexwithannette.com

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Chapters

• 0:47 Submissive Married Life in BDSM
• 9:32 Navigating BDSM and Overcoming Self-Judgment
• 26:33 Exploring BDSM and Intimacy in Marriage
• 42:09 Exploring BDSM in Marriages

Transcript

Annette Benedetti: 0:47

Hi, this is Annette Benedetti, your hostess for a locker room talk, and chocks, the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors, while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex Think, fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy, one orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room talk topic is from Collar to Ring an inside look at married life as a submissive and a BDSM relationship.

Annette Benedetti: 1:38

I have published many episodes on BDSM from the dominatrix point of view. My listeners, you are all very familiar with my regular guest, lucy the Russian dominatrix by now, who has taught us how to put cocks in cages. Scroll back. It's one of my most popular episodes. How to dominate your dude Scroll back. It's also a very, very, very popular episode. But today we are switching perspectives and we are going to hear from a submissive who is well, has been, a submissive, for it Sounds like about 40 years and is now in a loving marriage and going to give us her perspective on what married life as a sub is all about.

Annette Benedetti: 2:26

My special guest today is Harah Allison, award-winning designer and owner of Studio H Creative. She's also an award-winning photographer at Harah Allison photography And, most importantly for this conversation, she is a submissive in a marriage, and so I'm going to give her the mic and can you tell my listeners just a little bit more about yourself?

Hara Allison: 2:50

Yes, I had so interesting when you introduced me as in a BDSM marriage, because I feel like our marriage is very not that. Our sex is that. You know he treats me. I'm not queen, i can do nothing wrong. He's so giving and attentive and so sweet, and so it's fun to turn on the switching of the roles and him being a little devilish and me getting to be in tune with the wanton woman that I have now permission to be.

Annette Benedetti: 3:26

Yeah, that sounds amazing, and so that is the dynamic we are going to talk about today. So I'm going to share your journey with being submissive started how you found this relationship and what it's like to be married and in this BDSM relationship. So I'm drinking coffee, it's actually well, it's early, it's morning for me, folks, it's 1030. That's morning for me. Let's get ready to talk about sex Cheers. Let's start with. When did you stumble into the BDSM concept? How old were you? What was that situation like?

Hara Allison: 4:06

I think I was 19 when I read Anne Rice's book Books The Sleeping Beauty Chronicles And I loved them so much And felt understood, like I didn't know. And then I knew, like I understood me in a way that I had never understood me, And I stood in line at 19 years old, in a giant line for her to sign those books back back then. Those were the books that helped me understand that I wasn't crazy, because it feels crazy a little bit to have desires that you don't understand, especially having been sexually assaulted as a child. I have just just realized recently, not very long ago, that one has nothing to do with the other, and so I had been ashamed, really, of my desires for most of my life. And that's why I'm so excited to talk to you today, because I think it's okay to like what we like, especially with a loving, consensual partner, and we all have our unusual kinks or desires that don't need explaining. That's what I'm hoping to get across.

Annette Benedetti: 5:19

And for listeners who haven't read these books before they, i have read the book. One of the books I didn't realize there were several.

Hara Allison: 5:29

There's a trilogy And actually I think there's a fourth one now, but back then there was a trilogy.

Annette Benedetti: 5:34

Yeah, it is. basically Anne Rice takes the Sleeping Beauty story and kind of after she wakes up, and turns it into a BDSM relationship story where Sleeping Beauty is submissive. So just to give you a little bit of background on that. but I want to back up a little bit, because you say that you had had these desires. It sounds like you were sexually assaulted as a very young child, is that correct? At five and seven. Okay, and so then as you came of age and started having desires, were those desires submissive related? Yeah, like that's always been.

Hara Allison: 6:18

I've always had fantasies of being submissive. I don't know why. I don't think I have to know why now, but I always wondered. I always wondered was it because of what happened to me? But I, as you know, i read recently Come as You Are, which is a book about sex and your body and what it means to be sexual woman or sexual person, and that really freed up my mind in ways. I was surprised about that. it's just okay to like what you like, like period, just as I have come to terms with I'm beautiful in this body, with this brain, at this age. I'm also perfect sexually because I'm me, because I am, and I just happened to have found the perfect partner. So I feel very fortunate.

Annette Benedetti: 7:12

So, as you were going through life up until meeting this perfect partner, you were in previous relationships where you did play with the submissive role in a BDSM relationship. Is that correct?

Hara Allison: 7:27

Yes, I was in many crazy situations, like but when I played publicly in New Orleans in a private dungeon but it was public to the people that were there. That was in my 30s. I have been in a lot of dominant, submissive I wouldn't say relationships, i would say sexual excursions that weren't always safe, and so that is why I think that's why this sex is so delicious, because I am so safe And it's dangerous in a great way and exciting, but also I know 100% that I'm cared for and it's all about my pleasure. It's not about anything else. Where I have been with some people who it was not about me at all And that was a dangerous spot to be in.

Annette Benedetti: 8:30

Can you expand, before we move on to meeting your husband, into what you felt wasn't safe in the dynamics the BDSM dynamics that you were involved in prior to meeting this man? you're married to.

Hara Allison: 8:45

Yeah well, for instance, one guy. I kept making it clear that I didn't want there to be more than the two of us, but he never respected my wishes and there was always another woman brought into the room And, like I felt stuck. You know, i was supposed to be submissive and yet I remember standing in the back this is my 30s, but I remember standing in the bathroom going what the hell am I doing here? I'm in this weird hotel room, i'm stuck. I have been in. My desire has driven me to get into somebody's car, get blindfolded and blindfolded and not know where I'm being taken. I mean, that's dangerous. I still don't know where I went. Luckily, i got back to my car safely.

Hara Allison: 9:32

I would like to tell you that those thoughts were ruining my sex with my husband. I felt like there was a school teacher in the corner of the room just tisking me and judging me. And how dare I like this and do this, even though I'm in this safe, beautiful relationship and it's so intimate? And I did some work on that recently, about a year ago and it has changed everything for me, because the person who helped me made me see that I haven't always been in a safe position and that Judge her is just a part of me trying to keep me safe And now I imagine that person, if it comes to mind As a helpful cost of crossing guard going. I'm just making sure you're safe. I'm checking in. I see that you're happy. I'm here if you need me, rather than judging myself, which is which is what I was doing when you say those thoughts.

Annette Benedetti: 10:32

What was interesting was you were telling me about these unsafe situations you had been in. So what I imagine happened in that moment is you must have had, you must have had one of those judgmental thoughts come into your head, because you jumped from talking about that situation to saying those thoughts Have almost ruined my sex life with my husband. So I'm assuming those thoughts are when you think back to I put myself in unsafe situations and that made me feel guilty and like I was doing something wrong. And That even when you are in safe Scenes, bdsm scenes with your husband, yeah, you start to feel Bad because you're like oh, i did this dirty thing that made me make bad choices.

Hara Allison: 11:26

Yeah, it's, but I don't think that now. But yes, that is what was going on in my head and it was a lot of self-judgment, lot of Why do I like this? What is wrong with me? I'm so glad that I worked through that and that there's There's safety to explore and try new things, and some I like and some I don't, but but we're willing to try and that's what's exciting was being submissive and a BDSM type of relationship, or at least connection with another person, a regular part of your sex life Leading up to this current marriage.

Hara Allison: 12:05

Oh, Well, it's always been a desire. It hasn't always Been in a relationship like the, the person I dated before my husband, such so stupid because he said, you know, i asked him to spank me or whatever and he was like I would never do that, i would never hurt you. So he was shaming me for my desires, and so that has happened a lot through the years, where I Think it takes a certain kind of person to be able to be dominant and loving and And not just some guy trying to get his rocks off or whatever. And yeah, i have been shamed in many, by many men for asking for what I want right, because the dominant submissive relationship and Experience isn't just about dick and vagina sex.

Annette Benedetti: 13:01

It's, at all, activity that takes a lot of time and And sometimes doesn't even involve sex, correct.

Hara Allison: 13:11

I say I have the best sex of my life. Every single time I have sex and we don't actually have intercourse rarely. It has nothing to do with that. It's the, the lead-up, it's the hours of play, it's the build-up, it's, you know, sometimes even the day before or the week before We're building up the whole week. You know, the night before sometimes he'll get me to the edge and then That's it, and then the next day, by the time the next day rolls around, i'm like what time we have in sex? What time are we starting to play? so The focus is so intense and it's so delicious and I'm so ready.

Hara Allison: 13:48

You know, i'm a 55 year old woman. I just wish the this intimacy for everybody. This level of connection is so beautiful. And also, i Don't know why I like what I like, but I also know that my body responds to it. It's supposed to hurt, maybe, but it doesn't like, or it starts off hurting and then it doesn't, and then it's Delicious, and so there's no reason to know. I don't have to know anymore Why. You know what I heard on a show a dominatrix saying that it's forced meditation, and that is so true. I feel like we play for like three or four hours every time and I feel like I can't be more focused, or in my body, or attentive than those hours.

Annette Benedetti: 14:35

So I like that forced meditation. When you are in a dynamic, whether you are in the dominant role or submissive, it requires a lot of attention and it brings you into the moment and It gets dangerous if you're not staying in the moment, especially if you're the one delivering pain, like you've got to know exactly what you're doing to keep your partner safe. But definitely from the other side of things, i know My partner is primarily dominant in our relationship. It takes a lot of focus to receive the pain and be communicative in the way I need to To keep that in the pain pleasure dynamic.

Annette Benedetti: 15:18

So I get the forced meditation So you meet your current partner, who becomes your husband. Did you guys tell each other right away that you were into these kinks?

Hara Allison: 15:32

No, i don't think he was. I I have been my whole life and I don't think he ever was. But we we danced with it a tiny bit, like you know, pulled my nipples too hard once, you know, like that's. That's as far as it went, and we've been together nine years now and it just gets better and better, and he's able to discover things about himself that he had no idea about. What's perfect about it for us is that I have switched before and I am not a dominant I mean, i don't enjoy it at all and He is completely dominant. He would never be a submissive, and so the roles for us feel natural Like there's no.

Annette Benedetti: 16:15

There's no pretending to be something you're not If he was not IndebdSM, meaning he didn't have experience with it at the time. How did you tell him? How did you initiate those conversations and then turn the conversation into action?

Hara Allison: 16:37

I think I always talked about it because I dated for a lot of years. I was single for like 13 years And I always talked about it right away because, like, if they're going to shame me, i need to know right away. You know, like this is either going to work or not going to work. So I'm sure I talked about it right away And just through the years we just kept going a little further and little further. Oh, and then we became empty nesters. That's what happened, and so we had the freedom to explore. I think that was really helpful, in that there was nothing stopping us from taking over a room in the house and making it. You know, specifically for that.

Annette Benedetti: 17:16

So you married him before you guys were fully engaging in at BDSM Dynamic?

Hara Allison: 17:22

Yes, So that's what I love is I love him, he loves me, and we also get the juiciest sex life as a bonus, because it has nothing to do with that. Really, even in the beginning I remember being like I don't know. I didn't know sexually whether it would be work or not. And now I genuinely say after every time we have sex, that's the best sex, i've ever had, the best orgasms, i've ever had, the best you know experience. And every week it's. We play probably once every Thursday or Friday, because that's the day she has off. Every week it's the best thing that's ever happened because we're so close.

Annette Benedetti: 18:01

All right. So now you're married and you've been playing with sex a little bit, You're still like I don't know if we're going to be able to like really get into it. Your kids leave and you decide to turn a room into sex dungeon, which it sounds like. that's what you did. How did you initiate that conversation? And then we are going to dive into what that relationship looks like now. I wish it was a dungeon.

Hara Allison: 18:31

We talk about. We need a castle because it's very tame, because we have people who visit, kids who visit, so and they don't know, i've brought a. I once showed my daughters, not long ago, a picture of a St Andrew's Cross to test the waters of what their thoughts were, and they were both horrified. I wish I could talk to them about it. I assume that they're like me and they don't. You know, they have nowhere to talk about it, but I understand they don't want to talk to their mom about sex and definitely about not BDSM.

Hara Allison: 19:02

But well, we started buying little toys and more toys and more toys and more toys, meaning crops and, you know, electricity things and everything you can imagine And we ended up getting this giant tool chest from Home Depot. That's like the size of a desk, you know, with all the drawers and all the cabinets, and we needed a place for it. So we made this one room downstairs into the room we have sex in. And it's so fun because I feel like for sex, i do my hair, i put heavy makeup on, i get dressed to the nines And then, as he grabs my hand and we walk downstairs together, it feels like going into a fairy tale, like we just totally escape the real world upstairs and then we're who we are downstairs Like.

Hara Allison: 20:57

It's very fun. It's really a transition, even as I'm getting dressed like I have thigh high boots that I never wear except for sex You know I only have outfits that I dress is that I only wear for sex It really feels like the whole thing is a transformation. I take like two hours to get ready. Usually it's a 30 minute process. It's so engaged to take us from sweet hara and philip to you know whoever we are downstairs, which is way more delicious than who we are upstairs.

Annette Benedetti: 21:34

So you guys plan out ahead of time what your scene is going to look like.

Hara Allison: 21:39

No, he might, I don't know anything. All I know is we have one day a week where we don't have anything on our calendars, and it's us So it's. He has two days off, so it's either Thursday or Friday And he has an idea. And I, deliciously, don't have any idea. And I have been self employed for more than 30 years. I'm a business owner. I raise two children by myself. I love being not in control for those moments. I love having no idea what's coming. I love giving up all control. It is a real pleasure Just him being in charge. I know he's careful and safe with everything and I can just relax.

Annette Benedetti: 22:25

Does he tell you how to prepare in advance? Does he talk to you about? oh, here's what I want you to wear.

Hara Allison: 22:33

We asked him once for a list. I don't know if you want to include this, but I give myself an enema every time beforehand, a couple hours beforehand, so that there can be that kind of play if he chooses.

Annette Benedetti: 22:44

But stuff.

Hara Allison: 22:46

I shave my legs And he doesn't choose what I wear, because that's kind of his excitement. What am I going to come down looking like? And also, I have gained a lot of weight. I gained like 80 pounds during COVID And so he's allowing me to dress for my comfort, even though it's always very sexual, just whatever I'm feeling good in. So I don't think he would dictate that. I don't think he wants to dictate anything. He just wants to see me happy and whatever makes me happy, And so that's. But there is a little checklist and he's always, you know, when I come down, he's inspecting me and telling me how beautiful I look. And, you know, did I do everything he asked me to do? And so it's cute because it's like it's a way to please him, you know.

Annette Benedetti: 23:32

Yeah, hey, we all give ourselves to enemas before sex.

Hara Allison: 23:37

Oh, good to know, good to know. Okay, i don't know.

Annette Benedetti: 23:39

Yeah, Yeah, No, I mean if you enjoy about play as much as I do then Turns out I do Yeah. I'll give it a cleaning because while I love but play, I'm not interested in the messy side of it. To the best of my ability.

Hara Allison: 23:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's the kind of thing where I'm saying I'm totally down with that. people are and I. I'm really just no judgment about anything, because we all have our weirdness and we all like what we like and and it's fine.

Annette Benedetti: 24:11

I mean, can we just say that weird is probably normal?

Hara Allison: 24:14

I think so, i think so, i think. Everybody has their thing.

Annette Benedetti: 24:19

I agree. The rest of the thing is normal Yeah.

Annette Benedetti: 24:21

And I think a lot of what you've said in this podcast so far is so important to reiterate Like I don't think that you need I don't unless it's problematic or unsafe in your own life digging into the why behind desires fantasy is fantasy And your desires are your desires and shaming yourself for them and figuring out like where did that come from? and all of that stuff. I don't think it's necessary And there's a difference between fantasy and reality. And then there are safe ways to take fantasy and turn it into a healthy reality, which it sounds like what the two of you do. Give me an example of what a typical night as a married woman who is about to switch roles into some mess of what her husband looks like. Walk me through the night, okay.

Hara Allison: 25:22

Like I said, he'll inspect me, tell me how beautiful I am. He's gotten a little more bold about inspecting me a little more closely rather than just my outfit, which is also a turn on. I really like just feeling like this is not see, this is where you I have trouble Like acknowledging that I really just enjoy being a sexual toy for him. I really love just giving it all up and being whatever he wants. So I like that he like kind of like anyway that he does those kind of things and wait, wait, wait.

Annette Benedetti: 25:54

those kind of things I'm blushing.

Hara Allison: 25:57

This is just funny because I thought I was totally fine about, well, just things like you know, maybe putting his hands in my mouth and inspecting my mouth, making me feel like a piece of meat in a delicious way, until spank me, and sometimes with his hands, sometimes lightly, sometimes very hard, sometimes well, we have all the different. He'll go through the list of crops, you know, and whips, and It's a whole thing, but that's not every night. There's also a lot of breast play, because I didn't know this about myself either, because my breasts aren't very sensitive at all, but the more he plays with them and hurts them, the more sensitive they are And there is a direct line to my vagina And at some point, you know, he can just touch them and I am so excited. So there's a lot of nipple clamps and like there's a rack that he puts on sometimes What a rack A rack Like a rack.

Hara Allison: 27:10

It compacts them together like pushes them, compacts them.

Annette Benedetti: 27:14

A rack on your boobs. He puts a rack on your boobs.

Hara Allison: 27:18

Okay, and so they're kind of pushed out and more sensitive, because the nipples are, you know, oh, and nipple suction.

Annette Benedetti: 27:26

And on my clit.

Hara Allison: 27:27

He does that. And a lot of clothespins are delicious. All over It can be anything. There's so many. We have this giant tool chest. It's a tool chest of options. I'm trying to think oh, the first time we got electricity we were upstairs trying it And I was like, oh no. And now I'm like you know now, like put it on the highest, put it on my nipples, put it on my clit. It's so hurt, so good. I don't know what else to say. You know what? Because I'm so, by the time we're having sex anyway, i'm so ready, i'm so horny, like he could probably do anything and it'd be delicious. So Do you have restraint?

Annette Benedetti: 28:13

Is there restraint involved, meaning you're actually bound?

Hara Allison: 28:17

Yeah, sometimes we have. I have a photo studio in here and I have a couple hooks we put in the ceiling pretending they're for a photo studio, but actually we use them, and so sometimes my hands are up and he'll We'll play out in the studio, and sometimes he'll just I'm on a bench and he'll bind me to the bench. He is The whole time we're playing, getting me to the edge and not letting me come, which is the best thing ever. And the whole time I'm hoping he doesn't and then hoping he does simultaneously. So for hours I'm wanting to come and not wanting to come, because I don't want this to ever end. So that usually lasts about three or four hours, and then he'll finally let me come and then come and then come and then come, and then that fifth or sixth one is the best one ever And he may or may not come, oh, so he always goes down on me to come, and then after that I go down on him, and I'm going down on him through the night too.

Hara Allison: 29:21

He'll have me do that, but And then, just occasionally, we'll have this intercourse. It's just not part of the play, really. How does a session end A play?

Annette Benedetti: 29:31

session end for you guys. Do you have a standard ending? Sure, do you have a standard ending?

Hara Allison: 29:39

So usually, yes, he'll finally go down on me and I'm like, yay, even though I wished for it not to come so long. Then I'm like so happy he's letting me And so, like I said, i'll come a bunch of times and then I'll go down on him And then that's it. We're both satisfied and we both come, and then we're like teenagers looking at each other like, wow, how long was that one? You know, we're so good at this, we're so good at sex.

Annette Benedetti: 30:09

So you celebrate.

Hara Allison: 30:11

We do, and then the whole evening is just a gentleness towards each other and a kindness, and we discuss what we liked and didn't like in a very safe way so that it can or doesn't have to be done again, like one time. He did really push me and I never crossed over to the pleasure part. It was really not what it didn't. It didn't enjoy it as much, and so we were. I was able to say that he was able to hear it, and then that's that's why I'm saying in a loving relationship it's so good because we can hear each other, not be intimidated or misunderstood. Or I'm not saying anything about him in particular. I'm saying what my body enjoyed or didn't enjoy. So what are your safe words.

Hara Allison: 31:02

You know I don't have one, but I must give really good cues and he must be a really good listener, because he always backs off when I need him to. He just says we're, we're, it's a dance and we're in tune. I have never felt like he didn't know what to do next. It's such a strange dynamic because it's really a beautiful dance because if, like, if it's too much, i must flinch just enough. Where he backs off, he, he just really hears me and I've made gestures where, like, he had a gag on me the other day and I didn't enjoy it and I just asked him to take it out and he was fine with that. You know, like he's just, he wants me to have fun, it's all about me anyway. It's like, you know, it seems like it's about him, but it just not at all.

Annette Benedetti: 32:47

Do you have sex outside of your BDSM sessions?

Hara Allison: 32:51

Yes, because like you know, right now we have his son just came to stay with us for a month and so then we have quiet sex in the bedroom, which is fine, but it's not as good. But it's fine, it's good, it's loving and good and there's still a little play quietly. But having the freedom to experience what we experience and then to go to quiet and, you know, don't make any noise, it's a little weird. It's also, you know, it's just not as fun. But yes, we do, and when we're on vacation we totally, we're totally intimate. It's just not the whole thing.

Annette Benedetti: 33:30

Do you have sex in between when, even when you're home on your own, between your Thursday nights or Friday night sessions, do you have just vanilla sex in between that?

Hara Allison: 33:42

I don't think we have vanilla sex anymore. It always has some level of BDSM, because he sees the way I respond, like I mean I'm saying we have regular sex, but he'll still like pinch my nipples really hard or slap my vagina because it feels so good and it does things to me, and so I don't think we ever not do that anymore. Nice, that is nice, it's awesome, all right.

Annette Benedetti: 34:15

I would like you to tell my listeners What do you think some of the biggest benefits to your marriage that engaging in this BDSM dynamic offers?

Hara Allison: 34:28

Well, while we're playing, there's the strongest connection Leading up to playing. There's a strong connection. We're constantly sending each other gifts or images that we find sexy, And so the whole week we're thinking about each other sexually After sex, like I said, there's just this beautiful tenderness and closeness And I mean I'm absolutely sure everybody I know is jealous of me. If they knew Anybody knew how great of my marriage was because of BDSM, They'd be jealous. Nobody, most people don't know, But it provides such a beautiful intimacy that we wouldn't experience otherwise.

Annette Benedetti: 35:15

Right. It sounds like kind of at this point in your life where most couples, or many couples, experience sort of death bed, right Where kids have left home. You're in your midlife. Unfortunately, a lot of women think, at the age you and I are at, that means our sex life is over, which is a lie that I'm working really hard to spread the word about. Instead of experiencing that death bed, you are having more sex and more intimacy and more excitement in your marriage than ever. Is that correct?

Hara Allison: 35:50

100%, 100% And also not just 55, but, like I said, i've gained like 80, well, 70 pounds. I mean I'm as heavy as I've ever been and it does not affect my sex life unless I choose for it to. So that is really an important message. It's only when I get in my own head about it, because he has never looked at me differently or touched me differently. And just like in the book Come As You Are, she mentions people are self-conscious about their labias, which I have found to be true talking to women about sex, if you can, just your body is your body and it's perfect the way it is, no matter what size you are, no matter what it looks like. I want that. I wish that was people understood that, because I would be the only one stopping me from having great sex or feeling sexy because he hasn't looked at me any differently.

Annette Benedetti: 36:52

I think when someone loves you, they love you and the body that you come in and how that body changes throughout the years. And if someone can't love you and desire you, through those changes especially women we have much more extreme hormonal changes than they probably don't really love you.

Hara Allison: 37:14

That would be, and so that was true of my first husband, and so he gave me such a hard time and I was way skinnier than I am now. So I have had body issues and I feel so fortunate to love myself where I'm at, because my body is just a body. The other day he completely undressed me and he was rubbing my stomach and everything and I had to really just go. It's just a body and it's beautiful and he's enjoying my body and I should be enjoying it too, because there was a moment of I have a big, giant belly, but I feel so lucky that I was able to allow him and feel what he was feeling like get into my body and go. It feels good, he's loving it and I'm going to love it.

Annette Benedetti: 38:04

So it sounds like one of the biggest benefits is your own self-love, body positivity, the healing of a lot of the damage that a lot of women experience around body dysmorphia, body hatred. If we don't look, you know the unrealistic standard of body that we see in the media so often, and I have heard repeatedly from people who participate in BDSM Dynamics that the experience does help them with their own physical self-acceptance, and it sounds like that's what your experience is. Is that correct?

Hara Allison: 38:47

I think I don't know if it's BDSM that's helped me, but it's definitely my loving marriage because, i mean, i have had not great experiences with BDSM and you know, i don't know if this is still a thing. That's been a long time since I've just been in the general public with BDSM. But you know, there are guys who are assholes, who pretend to be doms, and just like there are men with cameras who pretend to be photographers wanting to take pictures of women half naked. So you just have to really find the right person. It's not just a dom and it's not just being a sub. I'm not just a sub.

Hara Allison: 39:27

I am so willingly submissive to my loving husband who's willing to dominate me in ways that make me feel, i don't know, at one with myself, like I can marry the two of me the the girl that wants to be a total whore and the Professional woman with two children. You know those both co-exist, and so that's why I'm so happy we, you have the conversation, and I'm having the conversations about sex because I Wish it wasn't this secret, something to be ashamed of, because we don't talk about it. It's shameful and I just want to stop that. So thanks for inspiring me to say exactly what I wanted to say and not shying away even from what I was. Even You know what, what I go, what I experience.

Annette Benedetti: 40:20

Yeah, i think It's new women being able to talk openly about sex and not fearing It destroying their lives. And that is how this podcast came to be. We could see how men Men were able to talk about Sex and what quote crude but realistic ways, and it was dismissed as locker room talk. And now we are allowing women the space To talk about their real sexual desires and experiences and wants and needs and how we have always been kind of Like you've just shared at 55 But you were doing this at a very young age, sneaking out and, under the cover of secrecy, experience having the experiences that you desired, and they become safer When we're able to talk about them and be open about them.

Annette Benedetti: 41:22

They become less dangerous. They become less harmful when they're out in the open and The light can be shown upon them and when people like you are willing to talk about it and show the world that you know you're an Average everyday businesswoman and mom with a husband in a healthy marriage who goes down to the dungeon and Get snipple clamps and spanked and bamboo whipped.

Hara Allison: 41:52

It all coexist in us. We do have that. Yeah, yeah, it's. And what a, what a, what a. Just what a great thing to be able to do both, to be both, to be every Part of me, to experience all the things that make me me.

Annette Benedetti: 42:07

Absolutely, absolutely so. Do you have any tips to offer women who are in marriages right now and Maybe wanting to initiate with their partner? Maybe they have the desire To Dabble in BDSM, but they don't know how to start having those conversations. What would your advice to them?

Hara Allison: 42:32

be well. There was a book I read many years ago, something about screw the roses, send me the thorns, was that. Do you know that book? No, but I love that. Oh, something like that That's. I read that many, many years ago, something about that. Anyway, that was a good one. Introduction to, to BDSM.

Hara Allison: 42:50

I would say just, you know, asking your husband to spank you, and if you're enjoying it and he enjoys it, it Grows because he sees you're enjoying it. I mean, that's the whole point of sex, right, is pleasure, and so if you're doing something that your partner is really enjoying, you're gonna want to keep doing it. And vice versa, if it's not being enjoyed, you're not gonna want to keep doing it. So I just think, experimenting, being willing to. I Used to hate nipple clamps that I couldn't handle him. now I'm like. Now I'm like, put some weights on those suckers. I'm just, i can't believe how are it grows and grows and grows, and I Keep laughing about the electricity. When we first tried it I was like oh, you know, oh no, and now I Mean full blast. You know, there's nothing that I can't take.

Annette Benedetti: 43:45

I'm Turn it out exactly.

Hara Allison: 43:48

Yeah, set it on fire. I think I like that. What yeah?

Annette Benedetti: 43:53

but what if? I mean something you did say at the beginning of this podcast was, or earlier in the podcast, was that you didn't know how the sex part with him would work out because you didn't have that Conversation prior to getting married. What if This married woman who's listening right now tonight goes home and says, hey, honey, well, you just slap my ass little, and he does it and he's like, yeah, that's just weird, yeah, and her heart sinks because she is married to him. She made a promise for life. Do you have advice for?

Hara Allison: 44:25

her in this marriage. I would say I love my husband So much that if we didn't have this kind of sex I would still love my husband this much. I'm glad that we're experimenting and playing, But I loved him before it and I love him long after it. I assume we're only getting older. I keep joking. We're gonna be like 80 and doing this. What's it gonna look like, you know? but I Assume at some age we're gonna have to slow down on the on that. Um, I really don't know. The only thing, my one suggestion is the book. Come as You Are and it will give you permission to be your sexual self, And if you can get your husband to read the parts you want, he'll understand that we all have a sexual self. We're not just what the public sees. We are women with wants and desires, And so I think if you can start getting in touch with that and being true to yourself, the book is great for men as well to hear what a woman, how a woman's body works and stuff.

Annette Benedetti: 45:32

Yeah, y'all need to be reading that, men, i mean we do too, because I learned stuff too right.

Hara Allison: 45:40

I just was like oh, that's how my body works. I, you know, at 55, i'm going. Oh, i didn't realize that if you discuss sex with a woman, her body is likely to lubricate because the topic is there, not because she's necessarily enjoying the conversation, not because she's getting turned on. It's just our bodies are made a certain way, and so that was very eye-opening.

Annette Benedetti: 46:05

Wonderful. Well, thank you for sharing everything from. You know obviously your most vulnerable experience as a young child through you know, your younger years and into your marriage. I appreciate you being so open and having this conversation. Can you tell my listeners where they can find out more about you and what you do?

Hara Allison: 46:28

Oh sure, as you mentioned, i'm a graphic designer and a photographer, but my real passion is my podcast and magazine, which is Beneath Your Beautiful, and you can find that at beneathyourbeautifulorg. And in those two, in those two things, i am shining the light on our differences, but also our triumphs, of how we overcome. So that's just that's.

Annette Benedetti: 46:53

That's how you can find me, And do make sure to check out her podcast and her website and you know where to go. You just scroll down and I will have links for you in the description of this podcast And you guys know exactly where to find me. You can go to all the social medias. I am on Facebook and Instagram as she explores life and locker room talk and shots, and you are always welcome to join me on my personal Instagram at being Benedetti. Also, head over to TikTok and hang out with me there. It's under a locker room talk podcast And you can watch this episode on YouTube at Annette Benedetti. So thank you for joining me And until next week I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.