Raising Responsible and Appreciative Children: Balancing Discipline and Empathy in Modern Parenting

Can creating a more disciplined and appreciative environment truly shape the next generation into responsible adults? In this episode, we unpack the often-overlooked nuances of modern parenting. Reflecting on my own childhood, I draw contrasts between the sometimes overly-protective approaches of today and the more disciplined methods of the past. We critically explore the balance between positive reinforcement and allowing children to encounter and learn from their struggles.

We delve into the importance of teaching appreciation and responsibility, not just through words but through actions and consequences. Personal stories illustrate how children can develop a sense of accountability and empathy by being exposed to diverse cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. We also explore how significant consequences for actions can curb undesirable behaviors and foster discipline, even in affluent settings where privilege may otherwise lead to a sense of entitlement.

Our discussion extends to the fundamental principles of effective parenting, focusing on consistency, discipline, and the value of hard work. Addressing the delicate balance between discipline and abuse, we advocate for appropriate, measured responses to misconduct while underscoring the importance of clear boundaries and early education on respect and consent. This episode aims to equip parents with insights and strategies to raise well-rounded, emotionally intelligent children who contribute positively to society. Join us as we navigate the complexities of parenting with strength, serenity, and sanity.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing. And I need you to be a minister for a moment and find somebody sitting in your general vicinity. Look them dead in the eyes if they owe you $20, and tell them neighbor, whatever you do, keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing. It's hard to keep pushing in the world that we're living in right now. How is one supposed to find serenity and sanity and strength in the world we live in right now.

Speaker 2: 0:41

Hey everybody, welcome back to Starved Ego Feed the Soul. I'm your host, nico Barraza I keep pushing on is her story very relatable with the experience in childhood on some levels, and as well as my own? So I just want to say thank you guys so much as always. Please leave the show. A five-star written view on Apple and Spotify podcast. You could just tune this out. I know you're waiting for the show to start, waiting for me to get to talking, but it really does help. It's a free way you can give back and, honestly, I really just it's. I really appreciate it If you can just pause the show right now or wherever you get to your destination, just stop the show and leave star of the ego feed the soul. A five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcast. If you can do both, that's awesome. If you can just do one, that's great too, but if you can leave us a review, that's super helpful and I'd really appreciate that.

Speaker 2: 1:45

All right, so today it's just a solo episode. I have an incredible interview that's coming up today. It's going to launch soon, so I really want to talk about something that's been on my mind for a while now and that is parenting. Now, I don't have children yet. I do want to have children, but obviously finding someone to have them with and the timeline that goes around, that is incredibly difficult for a lot of us. But I still think I can talk on parenting and on children in general. I know a lot of people are like, well, if you don't have kids, you can't talk about what it's like having kids, and I think that's ridiculous because every all of us were children. We all experienced parenting. We experienced good parts of parenting, probably negative, bad, unhealthy parts of parenting. We've seen our friends raise kids. We've been around children, even if we're not. Some of us work with children, you know. So there's a lot of different experiences we get and one of the common things that I think has happened specifically in like the millennial generation and younger, for those having children, is this sense of entitlement. Right Like we're bringing up our children with a sense of like you don't really have to work very hard to achieve things in life.

Speaker 2: 2:43

Now, I think this is happening for a handful of reasons, right, like for a lot of us, millennials and Gen Xers that were raised, my people that are born, let's say, in the forties, fifties, sixties. Right, many of us had like this, almost the pendulum was on the other side, right, there was like a lot of discipline, for the most part, I'm generalizing, right, but like people still spank their kids. Lot of discipline, for the most part, I'm generalizing, right, but like people still spank their kids. They still discipline their kids in public, right, like I remember, specifically when I was younger, I it was very common to see like someone like grab their kid and spank their kid when their kid was acting up in public. And now this huge positive, this huge wave of positive psychology that I think is, you know, incredibly powerful for many reasons, has come and now it's like all right, well, you need to positively talk to your kid, right, like spanking them, being physically aggressive with them, is not good and I completely agree with that in most scenarios.

Speaker 2: 3:32

I think you know, when you listen to people like Dr Shefali or even Dr Alexandra Solomon, they talk a lot about parenting, but I think every child is different, right, and there are certain kids and I know I was one of them that if I wouldn't have got like spanked in certain parts of my life, I would have just kept fucking around, honestly and thankfully. You know, my thought on my grandfather was my father figure in life. You know, I never felt like he was spanking me out of anger. It was always out of discipline, like I knew I had done something wrong and the punishment always meant the crime, right. I wasn't getting spanked for like doing something silly or ridiculous. I was getting spanked for doing something that was like bad, right, malicious or, you know, like hurting someone or saying something that was like super inappropriate or something like that right. Or lying about something big or something like that, you know.

Speaker 2: 4:20

So I think it's really important to obviously scale your parenting based on what the kid is doing right. And so the reason I'm bringing this up is because so many times now I see with my generation, with the younger generation, it's always like oh, how are you feeling? Let's express your feelings, and I think that's all well and good, right, we need to teach people how to express their feelings. That's something that was actually in a deficit in my generation and the generations before me when we were children. I don't think that was very common.

Speaker 2: 4:48

However, now I think the pendulum has swung way too far to the other side, meaning that we're so focused on sort of the child's wants, needs their immediate attention, that we're not allowing them to sort of process their own emotions, to experience suffering, to experience struggle and to experience what it's like to not be okay as well too. We really shouldn't create an environment that is completely pristine and perfect for our kids. We shouldn't hide anger from our kids. We shouldn't hide sadness. Of course we have to regulate our own emotions. It can't be some unregulated emotion where they're getting dumped on or shit on, because that happens a lot as well too. But you can't hide that from your kids, because they need to understand what that looks like. They need to experience that in real time.

Speaker 2: 5:30

Also, I think there's this thing where just because you have a good, nice kid does not mean they don't need discipline or they don't need regimen or rules. One of the best things you can give your children is consistency, consistent love and affection, but also consistent discipline. For instance, if you're trying to teach a kid that they need to pick up after themselves and you only sort of get on them for this, like Monday, wednesday, friday, and let's say you're tired Tuesday and Thursday and you let it slide, well, they're going to learn, they can get away with that. Right, they're going to learn they can push that boundary, they can push that limit. That's what kids are supposed to do. They test your limits. They're supposed to figure out things on their own.

Speaker 2: 6:13

But if we don't hold ourselves accountable to being, I would say, committed to enforcing the same outcome every single time, of course we're going to slip up once in a while, but if we don't stay committed to that, we're literally not parenting. We're dropping the ball as parents. And so it's really important to stay consistent with your kids. It's just like being a coach in a sport, right? If I go out and coach a kid, let's say how to hit a baseball with a certain form, and I coach them how to hit with that form three days a week and then two days a week, I just throw the ball and I don't give a shit. Well, they're going to practice bad habits in that, if I'm not also dialed in and focused too, they're going to respect me being focused, because that's respectful, right. I'm valuing their energy and valuing them. So if this is your child, you have to have the energy.

Speaker 2: 6:53

I understand being a single parent and working three jobs and all sorts of stuff, but at the end of the day, you brought a kid, or you brought children into this world and it's your responsibility to raise them and to raise a good human being and to raise a contributing member of society. If you want your kid to be successful, raise them to be emotionally, socially intelligent, raise them to care about themselves, care about others, raise them to be kind, raise them to be respectful, raise them to be hardworking, raise them not to be complainers or whiners or entitled babies. That is not what we need more in society. We don't need more selfish, entitled kids walking around thinking that they are owed everything just because of how they were born or where they were born or who they were born to, right.

Speaker 2: 7:29

And so the reason I bring up consistency is because consistency is the biggest thing you can work on as a parent, right, I mean you can work on your own trauma, you can go into therapy, you can work on how you communicate your anger and feelings all well and good, but you want to be consistent, right. Because, if you like, are patient three days out of the week and you blow up and lose your shit, you know, two days out of the week. That really doesn't teach discipline, although I do think it's important to show your kids anger once in a while if it's warranted, and I mean anger in the sense of like it's calculated, like I'm expressing that I'm angry, right, this is making me upset, versus just screaming at them and cussing at them. That's what I experienced when I was a kid and that's definitely not how you get things through to most children, although, let's be honest, there are some times that, as human beings, we get pushed there and someone might do that to their child or in the vicinity of their child, but in that case, it's also important to apologize, to show your kids that you can admit that you were wrong. That's very important as a parent right Not to give them any power of like. Okay, this person, this kid, is now, you know, in charge of things, because I admitted I was wrong, right, but it's important to show your kids that you can admit you're wrong, that your ego and your pride isn't bigger than your logic and your emotional intelligence, saying that you know what. I was wrong to yell at you like that. I was wrong to say that, however, my anger was warranted. This is what I was really mad about. I need you to work on this right. I need you to change this behavior because it's really frustrating. I'm at my limit, it's exhausting. So can you work with me? Right, you have to. If you don't, we're going to have consequences.

Speaker 2: 8:52

And here's the third part of this is you have to give your kids legitimate consequences. So many people will reprimand their kid you know, like, say something like I'm disappointed or this and that, and let's say, you take away a Nintendo or you take away like something they like you know for a couple of days and you give it back to them and they keep doing the same thing because the consequences didn't fit the crime. Like if someone is doing something, that is, if a kid is doing something that is, like you know, ridiculously egregious and you know they're not controlling their emotions or their whatever. There's so many things kids to be doing. Right, you can pick a thing in your head, but you need to have consequences that are scaled based on what the kid's doing. If the kid is like a repeat offender doing the same thing, the consequence is not teaching the lesson right. And so you can also be. You can also practice positive psychology and ask them how they're feeling and why they're doing it, but sometimes that doesn't work. Sometimes you literally need a consequence.

Speaker 2: 9:40

If you think about how we operate in society, if the speed limit says 65 and you're kind of running late, you might be trying to go 70, 75, maybe 80, right, maybe there's not a cop around. Maybe you're checking left and right to see if there's a cop in one of the ways, right? Come on, don't joke with me. We all do something like that when we're stressed and we're late. And that's how kids respond to its natural human psyche to try to push the limits if we can, to either be more efficient or get what we need in a quicker fashion. That's how our brain works. It's how it's wired. If you look at sex, food, shelter, money, fame, that's how it's wired. This is how kids work a lot as well too. If the consequence you're giving them is not adequate to what they're doing, they're not going to take it seriously. They're not going to be disciplined. There's no incentive to be disciplined, because what they're losing does not equal what they're gaining, right, so they're still going to keep pushing that boundary because the consequence isn't that big, right, um, and so I think we really need to think about those consequences. You know also it's man.

Speaker 2: 10:41

It was interesting because I've been living in San Diego. For what is it? Two, almost two years now and I'm really glad to be back in Arizona, really glad to be back in Arizona. But the interesting thing is when I was in San Diego, especially in the North County sort of Del Mar area, there's so much entitlement there where so many of the kids or young adolescents they don't realize that they're living in multimillion dollar houses by the ocean. Right, I grew up in a house that's $100,000, $150,000. And my mom again single mom working her butt off. She had some help from my grandparents and even my grandparents' house was like $200,000, $300,000. Spent a lot of time there and I felt blessed because there was a lot of kids that I knew that I went to school with that were living in way less income housing than that and the projects and housing that is way cheaper and a lot more of a dangerous environment. But going back to this sort of North County in San Diego, right, but going back to this sort of North County and San Diego, right, there is a huge sense of entitlement there where a lot of these kids they don't have a fucking clue of the privilege that they're growing up in.

Speaker 2: 11:45

And this is another part of this is we need to teach our kids appreciation for the privilege that they're growing up in. Right, being appreciative. And so, if we don't like avidly explain it to them like, hey, look you're you have. You know, you're growing up in this area. That's super safe. You are living in a four or $5 million house, right, there's so many kids that are not even close to living in an income area like that. Right, you're surrounded by predominantly other white kids, right, upper-class white kids like.

Speaker 2: 12:14

Teach your kids about diversity. Teach your kids about culture, like. Get them involved in different culture and different areas. Take them to other places. Let them see how other people live too, so they can also understand their privilege. If you just keep them in the bubble that you're raising them in, you don't take them to the projects. You don't take them to the barrios, you don't take them to the ghetto. I mean, take them to go play baseball there or basketball there. Have them have friends from different income, from different socioeconomic backgrounds. That's what helps bridge the diversity gap, that's what helps sort of combat the gentrification we're experiencing all over the country, and really they're going to be more diverse thinkers and more compassionate, empathic human beings when they have friends from different income brackets too.

Speaker 2: 12:51

You know, when I was little again being in lower middle-class I had a lot of friends that I met through sports that were the daughters or sons of, like, a neurosurgeon or someone that had made a lot more money a business person, right. And these people would invite me over to play video games or to play ping pong or whatever to spend the night, right, and I would see how they were living and I'd be like, wow, I'm appreciative for what I have, but this is like I would never know what it's like to live in a house like this because my family doesn't have that much money. And vice versa, these same kids would come spend the night at my house. Then I think they would gain an appreciation because they I was their friend and they'd probably be at my house and be like, wow, I'm really appreciative for where I live. You know, hopefully, again, if you talk to your kids about it and help them build self-awareness that's another thing we need to work on is like if your kid's just experiencing life and you're not actively engaging them in deep discussion and thought, how are they going to build much self-awareness unless they do it on their own Right? And that's a lot of what I did is I was thankfully meeting teachers and friends that would like challenge my thoughts and I would have deep conversations with them and I was really blessed to do that, and I read a lot of books. But I think it's really important, as a parent is like have deep conversations with your kid, no matter what age they are like, like like prod at them and poke at them to think deeper and longer about a thing, whether it's like spirituality, whether it's like friendship, whether it's like emotions. You know whether it's like how their parent is feeling or how you know people are feeling around them. And again, it's not so they absorb the emotions of others. That's not good. You're teaching a kid how to be codependent, but it's so that they're aware, they're acutely aware of their surroundings. Right. It also teaches them a great skillset, which is literally just street smarts.

Speaker 2: 14:18

A lot of times when you grow up in these entitled, elitist areas, there's no reason to develop street smarts. You have these very unaware kids that never know when they're even in a dangerous situation, because they've always grown up where the white picket fence is out and they have nothing to worry about. So when I grew up, I had to watch my back all the time and obviously there's something to be argued with, like that's a very unstable environment or whatnot. But honestly, life isn't always safe. It isn't. It's not meant to be. We're human beings. Think about it. We've been through wars, we've been through suffering and strife and all those things and we're not meant to be safe all the time. That's just not how reality is meant to be.

Speaker 2: 14:53

Anyone that argues that is thinking of a utopia which, I'm sorry, will never exist within humankind. We can get better Absolutely. We can treat each other better Absolutely. Will we ever exist where there's like literally no fighting? No, I don't think so. I don't think that's realistic.

Speaker 2: 15:07

So it's important to understand, like, the situation you're in. It's important to have street smarts, it's important to be aware, right, that actually helps you have more empathy for people too, because you know what it's like to grow up in an area, let's say, even as Americans like we live a very privileged life, even in the most impoverished areas, even in the places that are, like, flooded with racism and flooded with bigotry and these other things, like, yes, we have to work to fix those things, we still have to worry about all those things in this country. But if you think about what's going on in the Middle East, what's going on in Palestine and people just losing their lives continuously, what happened in Israel, what's happened in all these other places where people don't know if they're going to wake up in the morning or not because there might be a bomb that drops on their house or there might be, you know, an infantry brigade that rolls in, like that's a completely different way of living an experienced life that, honestly, us as Americans haven't been involved in in in a very long time. Right, and so we need to understand that privilege and we need to teach our kids how it's privileged and really just coincidence and luck to be able to be born in this country, or any other country for that matter that lives in that safe kind of environment. And it's not to like teach, like American exceptionalism or anything like that, but it's to be appreciative of the privilege that we all have to be able to be somewhat safe when we wake up in the morning.

Speaker 2: 16:23

Now, that might be different if you live in a gang environment. So, again, there's gradients to this. I'm not trying to sound ignorant, by any means. I grew up in a gang area. I know what it's like to live in an unsafe area. But there's levels to this that's different than you know dropping bombs on you, right when the likelihood is much higher that you lose your life at any instant, whether you're an infant, a six-year-old or an 80-year-old right and so it's about raising them in that awareness and being appreciative of really what's going on and what's happening right.

Speaker 2: 16:53

Yeah, the other thing is how kids select their peers, right. Oftentimes, if your kid is raised in sort of an entitled elitist environment, they're going to have peers that are very similar to them and so, again, they're going to be in this sort of bubble society, bubble experience that most of the kids are around the same income, a little bit higher, a little bit lower. They're going from a $3 million house to a $4 million house or $1.5 million house, and they're all in this and they don't really realize that there's a difference of existence, there's a difference of income, and so, again, it's really important. I think it's always important for a kid to go to school with kids from varying incomes, have friends from various incomes and have your kids spend the night, and obviously you got to trust the kid and trust their parents. Know your income level is not indicative of how good of a parent you are. Let's just be honest about that. You could have a family that has making 30 grand a year. That are incredible parents working their ass off to supply everything for their kids, loving their kids. You could have a family that makes, you know, 6 million a year and they treat their kids like shit, non-existent, have a nanny, never emotionally involved with their kids, just pay for everything, right? So those are two different ideas. So, like, let's be honest about you know your ability to initiate and to encourage your kid to make friends from outside their socioeconomic stratum, and let them know and teach them that it is different right, there's a difference on that and also teach them about like privilege in general, about like race, about gender, about these other things you know. It's important to teach our kids that so that way they can change it when they get older too. They can be a part of the solutions and not part of the problems. Yeah, man, there's so much to talk about on this. It's interesting because I think the reason I wanted to speak about just parenting in general, because I've had so many thoughts on this for a while now from living in San Diego and honestly, just like seeing friends interact with their kids and how that works and how they parent, and you know thinking about how I would approach it with my own children, especially if I had children that you know didn't listen or you know didn't agree or you know were disagreeable in certain scenarios. But I don't think that really is a problem if you just start from the beginning with your kids and really like teach them healthy boundaries, like one.

Speaker 2: 19:00

I was at a coffee shop yesterday doing work here in Tucson and there was this young couple there with the girl was probably like two years old, maybe, maybe she was less than that two years old, maybe she was three, I don't know how old she was, but she was an infant, young, excuse me and the girl and her husband were probably in their mid-30s, around my age, mid or late 30s, and they were sitting there talking to each other and the the the girl that was like. She was like standing up she's standing already, but she was playing with like her sippy cup on the table in front of them, no-transcript right, and then go back and forth and then when the mom and dad were talking, the kid like swung her arm like kind of wildly, you know, like babies do and hit the bottle and the bottle knocked over on the floor. Now what I noticed is a lot of parents would immediately pick the bottle up and put it back on, right, the mom didn't do that. The mom said, oh, pick up your Wawa. She said you have to pick up your Wawa. You knocked it down. You need to pick it up and put it back right now. And so you know, maybe it was like her head was like moving around. She like picks it up, puts it down, and then the mom says good job, right, like that. It was that simple and I really like admired that short interaction because you could tell the mom does this over and over again, like she's ingraining into the kid. You have to pick up after yourself. It doesn't matter what age, you are right, you put something somewhere, you pick it back and put it back where it's supposed to. You knock something down, you pick it up. You're responsible for yourself, you're responsible.

Speaker 2: 20:33

One of the things I hear a lot from again, people in my generation are a little bit younger that have kids is that they consistently make excuses for their kids. Right, they're like oh well, they're really tired or they can't help me do this, because they have something like dude. They are contributing members of this family. They get to eat, benefit from shelter. You're taking them to school. You're paying for sports. They should be busting their ass and helping you, right? They should be cleaning dishes. They should be mopping the floors. They should be taking out the trash. They should be walking the dogs. They should be picking up the dog poop.

Speaker 2: 21:03

No excuses for your kids, man Like. Put them to work. Let them know what it's like to contribute, to be part of a family. And it's not because they're slaves, it's because they are members of a unit, of a team, of a family, and that involves love, and love should be working. Love is just not. You show up and be lackadaisical. This is a relationship you have to put in to the relationship. If your kids are above the age of six, seven, eight, nine, they should be putting into the relationship with the family. I don't mean you should have to ask your kid multiple times to do these things.

Speaker 2: 21:33

Again, this is about discipline. This is about, you know, staying on them, teaching them that these things are part of contributing and if they don't do it, then you have to have consequences If they do do it and you've noticed for a month, or they're doing it, they're doing their jobs Like they're they're you know, excuse me doing their chores, like they're really contributing. You see that effort. Then reward them like you know, reward them. Take them out for ice cream or like take them out for a movie, or buy them a new baseball bat or a soccer ball or a dress or whatever they want, right, like give them some sort of reward that teaches them like hey, like you're acknowledging their hard work and their effort, right, but only do that when it's warranted. Like do that when it's built up enough where they've contributed.

Speaker 2: 22:12

You know over and over again where you're like okay, don't just do it when they do one good thing, because literally, like that again, there's no incentive to continue to do it because you made it seem like the value was so low. Oh, you did one good thing. Oh, let me take you up for cookies. No, no, no, no, no. Let's, let's fucking, let's put in a couple of weeks worth of like continuous effort where I don't have to freaking, hassle you as your parent and you just keep showing up and I'm like all right, like I like take you to Toy Story, let's take you and your friends to the go-kart rink or whatever. I'm just throwing things out there, but do not give your children some sort of gift that isn't warranted.

Speaker 2: 22:49

Let the time sink in so they can actually understand what hard work and value is, for instance, just buying your kid a car. Let them put in some work to put, even if it's like 500, 600 bucks. Let them put in some work to put, even if it's like 500, 600 bucks, you know. Let them put in some skin in the game, right, that's what investors talk about. Um, as I'm working on my own sort of business plan right now for for for a thing I'm very passionate about, you know, a lot of investors I'm talking to. They're like all right, how much skin in the game are you bringing in, buddy, right?

Speaker 2: 23:16

Like let's talk about the money and I don't mean to like relate parenting to that, but again, we're talking about resources, right, and so when we're talking about being consistent with your child, we're talking about delegating resources, and so we have, like positive enforcement, a negative enforcement, like a disciplinary action. And I don't mean like negative, like screaming at your kid, but sometimes like honestly, I believe that spanking is still a legitimate way to discipline a kid in certain areas, right, like I don't ever believe in spanking a kid of anger to actually physically harm them. That's abuse. And let's be real, there's a stark difference I've said this on the show before between discipline and abuse, and if you can't tell the difference between those two, let me know. Abuse has a malicious intent, is taking out your anger, frustrations. Discipline meets the punishment, meets the crime, and it's sort of like a physical spanking of a kid depending on whatever age they are up until really is only sort of invoked in like a last effort when something is really really bad, right, when they're just not listening and something's going on, and so I still think that's completely appropriate. If you look at the animal kingdom, we are animals. Yes, we are sentient beings and we have consciousness, but every animal disciplines their cubs in that way on some level. So anyone that's sort of demonizing, spanking your kid in the butt or letting them know what's up. I think that's ridiculous. I think that's making our culture extremely soft. I don't think we should ever be promoting physical violence. But spanking is not physical violence. That's different. Like taking your fist or hand and smacking someone in the face is not spanking right, like spanking is a completely different thing and again, I think I appreciate that as a kid I think I was spanked maybe four or five times as a kid, so not very much, but those four or five times I did some egregious things.

Speaker 2: 25:01

I remember I was being a shithead and I wasn't listening and when I was asked to stop or when I had consequences, I undermined those consequences and I kept pushing and then I got a spanking and my father I remember he'd always take the belt off and like bend me over and like spank me and it would be like twice or three times and my ass would freaking hurt. It'd be bright red and I'd be crying. But as I got older I'm like I actually needed that then. I needed that to be like yo, this is a big thing you're doing. This is a big issue. You're fucking up kid. You need to straighten up, you need to have these appropriate boundaries. That's what happens in the military. I think the military is a great structure to raise your kid, but there are some kids that do need boundaries like that. I think a lot of kids do men and women and again, I'm not out here promoting to behave in this way to your kids, but I think we have to really be honest about the punishment needs to fit the crime.

Speaker 2: 25:51

With children, we need to create consistency. We need to make sure they're aware of their privilege and entitlement. We need to make sure they have a diverse group of friends where they're not just in the bubble with their same socioeconomic friendships all the time, specifically with the things they do. If you talk about investment-wise, your kids should be diversifying their investments. Don't just have them be in sports. Take them to a chess club, take them to card games. Take them to as many things as you can that you can afford, that are free, so they can have different experiences. They can meet people from different walks of life. They can literally enrich who they are as human beings, and that's going to help them develop into more well-rounded, emotionally available and intelligent adults, which is what we need in the world more that care about others, help them believe that they can both make money, be successful and achieve their dreams, but also do good in the world Like actually help others, not just take advantage of people.

Speaker 2: 26:40

There's a lot of models out there where people can just take advantage of others and create suffering and make a lot of profit. That's not what we should be teaching our kids anymore, right? I mean really like if you make a bunch of profit and your soul is empty and you've just hurt a lot of people, I mean, what good is at the end of the road? Really, congratulations, you have a lot of shit in your life, but you don't have a lot of love in your life. So teach your kids the currency of love. Teach your kids that, yes, they need money to survive and they need money to be successful financially, but money is a tool and a resource and that they should also use it to help others when they can. If you can teach them those values, you're going to be much better off as a parent. You're going to feel like much better, you know.

Speaker 2: 27:15

And also, we have to remember that our kids are not here to serve us, right? I think a lot of people they have kids and like, well, this kid's going to take care of me or they're going to do this, and I'm like look, you should not have kids to be your servants. Your kids are here to live their own damn lives. Let them live their own lives. They're not here to live your shadow or to be your servant.

Speaker 2: 27:33

So your whole goal is to help raise them in a way where they come out to be as well-rounded, as emotionally empathetic as possible, as self-aware as possible, that they believe in who they are, that they believe they can do anything they want to do and that they have to have the motivation and the backing to go for it. And they have to have that internal drive. That's the best gift you can give your kids is that self-belief. And I'm not talking about cockiness, I'm talking about confidence. Any kid can be a cocky little shit, but if you can give your kids confidence and humility, if they can be humble in their ability to do things, whether they're super athletic or super smart, they're going to go a long way and they're going to make a lot deeper friendships than someone that's just a cocky asshole. I'll tell you that much.

Speaker 2: 28:13

So, again, there's a lot of things I have, like a lot of ideas I have just about parenting in general, and this is going to be a huge chapter in the book that I'm currently working on. And you know, if you're one of those people that hey, you don't have kids, I'm like dude. Enough of that shit. Like I can talk about parenting all I want. I will continue to talk about parenting as a person that wants to have kids myself. You can bet your ass I'm going to be. You know the study. I'm already studying and learning as much as I can, and you know I I want to be the best parent possible.

Speaker 2: 28:41

I won't be perfect, none of us will be Um, but I want to be as healthy of a parent as as I can and I want my kids to always feel, um, you know, safe but also feel like, uh, you know their consequence to actions. Like they will be disciplined, um, that they aren't just allowed to do whatever the shit they want. They're not. They're allowed to pick when they help out or contribute. They are expected to. They will absolutely put in that work, put in that effort to be contributing members of the family. They will help out and there will be no excuses around that, right, um?

Speaker 2: 29:10

Because, honestly, like, if you teach, if you teach your kids that, like, whining is okay, I'm just complaining on that, I don't want to do it. I'm like, no, that's not okay, that's not okay. I need your help. You need to get up your ass and help me. Like, period, you know, when I was a kid, growing up with my single mom, like if she needed help, I would help her. She needed my help, I knew she needed my help, so I would help her out, you know, because I cared, because I loved her. And that's how we should raise our kids. And again, it's not to build some fleshed family relationship, it's just teach them the value of, like, the currency of energy, right, like, okay, I'm playing my video game, but like, my parent really needs their help. I'm pausing this and I'm going to get up and I'm helping them for an hour when they need help and I can come back and return because I did something. You know, I helped them out.

Speaker 2: 29:53

And that just goes across the board with how you're raising adults. If you think about that kid's going to be an adult eventually. How are they going to respond to being in a partnership? How are they going to contribute in a romantic relationship? Well, if you realize a lazy ass, entitled kid that thinks they deserve everything, they're going to be a pretty shitty partner, honestly, and there's a lot of that going around, a lot of that self-entitlement, selfishness in the dating world, and it's really just a result of shitty parenting honestly. Of course, we're all adults now, so we're responsible for changing it and being aware ourselves. But if we talk about the root cause of a lot of these behavioral issues, it comes from childhood, it comes from entitlement, it comes from selfishness, it comes from being raised in an environment that is literally saying those behaviors are okay, and in fact they're not only okay, they're the right behaviors, and that's just a ridiculous way to raise kids, kids. Um. So hopefully you find this episode helpful.

Speaker 2: 30:41

When I'm talking about kids, uh, and children and parenting, again, I have so many, so many ideas on the matter. Um, I want to keep this one short and sweet. Uh, I'll have some interviews coming out for you guys as soon as possible. Um, you know, I know I talked a lot about like discipline and consequences and I talked a little about spanking. So, again, please do not misconstrue my words about what I'm promoting or what I'm not promoting. Please think hard and deeply about the situations that I'm explaining Again, with, like the spanking thing, I think it's really only warranted in certain situations where, like, literally, it's like the consequence that needs to be met to really wake a kid up or let them know like hey, something is not right, you know.

Speaker 2: 31:20

Or grabbing a kid quickly if they're, like, you know, like acting extremely, like ridiculous. You know, in front of people or even in front of you, you know, like there's a lot of different things like that that I think to some people now would be considered abusive, and I don't think it is abusive. I think abuse is very evident, right? Abuse is, like, you know, you were literally beating your kids, you're locking them in a room, you're cursing at them, you're screaming at them, you're taking out your rage and your anger and your frustration at them over and over again. That is abuse Disciplining them, providing them with, you know, some walls and some context to navigate life and to navigate their reality and to learn that, like you cannot do certain things to people you cannot disrespect, you should not disrespect others, you should be able to process your emotions in a healthy way and you can't just scream them or just blurt out or just start like blowing up in public or in the middle of the kitchen for no reason.

Speaker 2: 32:09

You really have to teach your kids these things. You have to, because who else will they learn them from? Think about it. It's your responsibility to teach them these things. And if you don't know, because you weren't raised like that, read books, read books, ask people, become a better parent. Like no one is born knowing how to parent at all. It's a study, just like. Again, the thesis of this show is the most important subject you're ever going to study is yourself. That applies directly to parenting. You want to be a better parent.

Speaker 2: 32:36

Learn how you make excuses for yourself. Are you like, you know, like sheltering your kids and raising your kids in this bubble because your parents are so hard and so mean on you? You're doing the exact opposite. You're creating this, this immense amount of safety for your kids, so much so that they're like these little secure babies and they can never really, you know, fend for themselves or really help out or be individuals, right? Or were you raised in such a safe environment where, like, you're really lazy with your kids and you're not really giving them structure and they get to do whatever the frick they want because you have a ton of money or something like that, right? I mean, there's a lot of different scenarios, but just be aware of how you're showing up as a parent and, of course, you're a human being. You're going to slip up some days, right, all of us do. But the important thing is consistency, right? And if you slip up, own it, apologize.

Speaker 2: 33:19

Teach your kids that apologies make a strong person, not a weak person. Teach them that value. Teach your kids that owning up to their mistakes and their faults make a strong person, not a weak person. That that takes courage and is actually not a weakness to admit that we've done something wrong or we're acting out of our shadow or we're causing someone emotional turmoil or trauma right? Also, teach your kids that just because someone's feelings are hurt doesn't necessarily mean that they're responsible for that.

Speaker 2: 33:44

A lot of people think that just because their feelings are hurt these days, that someone should apologize to them, and that is not reality. Just because my feelings are hurt doesn't mean that someone else is in the wrong. I might be completely ridiculous. It doesn't invalidate my feelings right, I'm still feeling hurt but it doesn't necessarily mean that someone else is responsible for them just because I think they are right. We can always tell ourselves stories. We always process things in a biased way, so be aware of that. We have to teach our kids that too.

Speaker 2: 34:09

Okay, look at the situation entirely. Ask someone what they think you did to them and then assess it yourself. Right, if you're just apologizing without really understanding what you did wrong or really meaning the apology. It's just bullshit, right? Apology without change of behavior is just manipulation. Therefore, we shouldn't apologize for something we don't think we did wrong in, because that is just manipulative, because we don't intend on changing the behavior. So it doesn't necessarily mean we're wrong from the get-go. It just means we have our own boundaries and our own self-respect too. Now it's important to listen to people that think we've hurt them for sure, and in some cases you might be like yeah, you're totally right. I'm so sorry for saying that, I'm so sorry for hurting you, but we need to teach our kids enough self-awareness to be able to delineate love that word between those sort of scenarios. Right, and this can happen at a very young age.

Speaker 2: 34:58

I didn't even get into sex and kids but, based on my conversation with my friend, dr Tara, we need to start talking to our kids about sex way earlier than we are, about relating to others, about respect, about consent, way earlier than we are. Historically, we've just let sex ed in school teach it. In fact, my sex ed classes were shit, so shit. My family really never talked to me about sex. I really didn't learn about it until I talked to teachers or friends or through pornography or shit like that.

Speaker 2: 35:24

And it's so much healthier to talk to your kids in a safe environment to let them feel heard and understood, where sex isn't like taboo or weird, it's just open. You're meant to talk about it. You know, of course, they're going to be in school situations where kids are like or what you said that or you know kids are always going to do that shit, right, but at home they need to feel safe and open, that you can talk about that stuff together. And it's not about prying into their sexual lives or prying into what their privacy is. It's just about letting them know and giving them like guidelines before they get to a point where they are figuring out themselves. Right, like, be open about that stuff.

Speaker 2: 35:55

And if you're not, if you have insecurities around that, if you still have like hangups in that area, work on working through that so you can be better support for your kids. Really, like you have to work on your shadow in order to be a better parent, and that is part of it. If you have a bunch of insecurities and you have a bunch of pride and ego, still you got to work on that shit to be a better parent. You absolutely do. That's what being a parent should call you into the love for your kids should call you into just being a better human in general. And I don't mean being this like human that makes a bunch of excuses and makes this perfect environment for your kids. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being a more self-aware, more even keel parent.

Speaker 2: 36:30

Not that you're some like perfect Buddha. You just are able to process your emotions, explain them, but also expect real results from your kids too. Right, like expect things from them, expect them to show up, expect them to contribute to the family. Right, it's not about like being hard if they were to fail. If you expect them to be a straight A student and they get C's or B's, hey, as long as they're trying and putting in effort, that is the best you can hope from your kid. But if they're not trying and they're being lazy and they're not, you know, reaching their potential, then you need to assess that. You need to figure out how to get them to take things seriously or put more value in that. And that is all about explaining things.

Speaker 2: 37:04

Storytelling is huge with kids, showing them other successful people that are good human beings that put in work in school where it got them or put in work in sports and where it got them. A lot of kids that are really talented. They can kind of coast and get away with honestly not doing shit for a while because they're good at something. And so, you know, it really takes a dedicated parent to raise an individual like that, with a lot of talent in one area, because they can easily just coast through things and honestly waste a lot of their talent too, and always allow your kids to explore and find out what they love and try a lot of different things and create that space where, like you know, like don't judge anything they're into If they're into design, fashion, whatever. If they're into baseball, soccer, whatever let them try things. Let them try things. Let them fail, let them fall. Don't just immediately run over to them and pick them up. Let them triage their boo-boos, let them dust themselves off, let them experience what it's like to navigate the world, because in the real world we fall down.

Speaker 2: 37:59

We have to get back up. We have to keep walking. We have to walk towards success in whatever that is for you, whether it's that financially, emotionally, socially relationally right. We have to walk towards progress. We're not going to be around forever just to hold our kids' hands and wipe their asses. You have to allow them to figure out how to navigate that world and provide the support and the structure and the discipline in order to leave them with a really good chance and a really good shot at living a holistic, healthy life.

Speaker 2: 38:27

And even if you provide those things, sometimes shit happens and people get in trouble and people turn into other things than we expected. And that's a reality of parenting too that I've seen firsthand from friends of mine that are parents that are incredible parents. But you know the kids just got involved with the wrong people. One thing happened, honestly, it's just like sometimes you can't explain things like that, but being a good parent means we're trying the best we can to literally provide a situation that is consistent for our kids on love, on discipline, on empathy, on self-awareness, on these things right, on respect, on truth, on discipline, on empathy, on self-awareness, on these things right, on respect on truth, on trust, on safety, and there's just so much that goes into that. So thank you so much for indulging me and listening to a parent, a childless person, talk about parenting, but I hope that you walk away with some value, whether you're a parent or not a parent, whether you're considering having kids, even if you don't want kids. I think this applies to relationships. I think it applies to adults and individuals as well, too. So hopefully you found value in this episode, in this conversation.

Speaker 2: 39:31

I appreciate you guys being here so much. Please leave the show. A five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcast. Stop the episode right now. Just leave it. Just leave us a review. Guys, come on, help help me out. Help, start with the ego. Feed the soil. I appreciate you guys so much. And God, I was just rambling, I was rolling on that episode. It's just flying out of me. So, um, thank you for for again, for for sitting here through the whole thing and listening, and I hope you walk away, um, with something that connects with you. So until next week.

Speaker 1: 40:09

I wish people could realize all their dreams and wealth and fame, so that they could see that it's not where you're going to find your sense of completion.

Speaker 2: 40:16

Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart, in your heart, in your heart. Thank you so much for tuning in to Star of the Eagle, feed the Soul. Please leave us a five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcasts. It's a free way you can give back the show and show your support and, as always, if you want to work with me one-on-one, head over to wwwnicoborazacom.