Wait. Maybe this isn't an "us" problem or a "you" problem. Maybe this is a "me" problem. Thank you for allowing me the space to get super vulnerable in this episode as I share something that came up recently in a marriage counseling session.
I hope this episode feels like catching up with a friend where no topic is off the table. From the eye-opening moment when I recognized my resentment towards my husband's new hobbies was a reflection of my own unfulfilled ambitions, to the critical distinction between kindness and detrimental people-pleasing—every revelation is a step towards personal accountability. So, pour a glass of your favorite wine or kombucha, settle in, and let's navigate this topic together! Would love for you to share your thoughts with me on this episode as this would be so much more fun as a conversation. Just reached out to me on social! Link below.
Wait. Maybe this isn't an "us" problem or a "you" problem. Maybe this is a "me" problem. Thank you for allowing me the space to get super vulnerable in this episode as I share something that came up recently in a marriage counseling session.
I hope this episode feels like catching up with a friend where no topic is off the table. From the eye-opening moment when I recognized my resentment towards my husband's new hobbies was a reflection of my own unfulfilled ambitions, to the critical distinction between kindness and detrimental people-pleasing—every revelation is a step towards personal accountability. So, pour a glass of your favorite wine or kombucha, settle in, and let's navigate this topic together! Would love for you to share your thoughts with me on this episode as this would be so much more fun as a conversation. Just reached out to me on social! Link below.
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Speaker 1:
Hi, friends, and welcome back to another episode of Elevate with Erica. I'm looking forward to today's topic. It's something that came up in a recent couples counseling session. It's in something that I've kind of been working with on my own for the past three weeks and it is something that's kind of derived out of. I started attending church regularly last September. Basically, the pain I was in things I was dealing with led me to church and now I look forward to it every single week. And then I started couples counseling, I believe maybe last November. So these kinds of things have resulted in me really reflecting, self-reflecting more than I ever have my whole life. Now, I think that that's also something that I always kind of did, naturally, as it's why I'm in this space, it's why I created this podcast, it's why I love personal development and motivational speakers and positive podcasts and books and things like that. I love finding ways in which I can do better. I can grow as a human, and I always say, like I want to remain a student in my entire life. If I'm blessed to still be alive at 90, I want to still be looking for ways in which I can do better. So attending counseling now, though, and seeing a licensed counselor and going to church and listening to the pastor has really taken it up a notch, though, and one of the things that I brought up in our latest counseling session I want to share with you guys Now. This is requiring me to be very vulnerable and open and honest, so I appreciate you giving me the space to do that and to understand that I'm at a phase in my life where I am just learning and growing, and this is going to be a season that I look back on, I feel, as a pivotal moment in my life, and I'm excited about it.
Speaker 1:
So the topic today is on evaluating a problem in your life and recognizing if that problem is a you problem or, you know, me problem. I'm going to be using you and me interchangeably as I talk about us, as if we're sitting here having a conversation together, right? So for me, I was evaluating is this a me problem, is this an us problem? And you can apply this to it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but any relationship in your life. Is this an us problem or is this a them problem? And doing that allows us to take ownership of what we can control and allow us to understand the difference. So I want to talk to you about how this came up in therapy. Alright, and I have to take you back a little bit.
Speaker 1:
So my husband decided to get an electric piano with some Christmas money that he received, and so, that long story short, that came into the house. It's here. It's beautiful, by the way, it's white. It's pretty cool that you can have that experience. You know the vibe of a piano without having the big thing in your house, because we just didn't have the space for that, so that came in the home. Now he knows how to play the piano from doing it when he was much younger. I would say, you know, not a child, not a baby, but you know the idea. I don't know all the history, but he used to play it when he was younger, okay. And so he's been wanting to pick it back up and he has signed up for lessons Like I don't know if it's an app or a website. You guys know you can do everything online right now. You can learn like anything you want to online, and it has become something that he has been doing every day for minimum 30 minutes. And I have to be real with you guys, at first I was extremely frustrated. Now let me also tell you this my husband has committed to three things at the start of the new year, and that is learning the piano again. He's continuing to learn Spanish, but has kind of recommitted and is back doing it on a regular basis. And the last thing is we've both committed to doing the Read the Bible in a year plan.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so that's three pretty big things that are time consuming. He works in LEO schedule and so he works long hours on the days that he does work Four 10 hour days, right. And of course, I am building my business from home and probably working more hours than I was in my nine to five, but it's because I'm building several different avenues of my brand. And then also I have the commuting of my children back and forth. They go to school 40 minutes from where we actually live, and so my days are pretty busy, and one of the things the therapists brought up in our latest counseling session was you know, mom works from sun up to sundown and it very much feels like that.
Speaker 1:
I'm the primary chef in the home, right, I'm kind of responsible for even if I'm not cooking it like, even if my husband's packing his lunch, I'm responsible for having the food in the house for which he can pack his lunch, right, and I'm preparing the meals for the family. And so even at the close of my work day you know, and I know so many of you can probably relate to this even at the close of my work day, it's not the end, right. Then we I'm grabbing the kids from school. I'm my 13 year olds needs all the help he can get with homework right now. I'm then preparing dinner, making sure that they're getting their baths, after they complain a million times, and then, you know, cleaning up dinner and finally settling down and trying to squeeze in an hour of family time, right, like we can all kind of relate to that work, work week schedule, no matter what you do for a living, you know.
Speaker 1:
And so when my husband began these commitments and he would come home from work every day about 545, 6 o'clock normally be the time when he would pop in the kitchen and start washing the dishes, asking me if he could help with anything with dinner, setting the table, playing a game with the kids. And he started to come home and go right to playing the piano his at least 30 minutes a day, right. And I, by that point, have already stopped my work day early, have already left to go get the kids from school, have already sat down with an hour with my son, who is struggling with the eighth grade right now, and by the time he gets home I'm kicking off dinner. Right, I'm starting to prepare it and set the table and the dishes are mounting. I take you, I tell you all this because I want to get you in the headspace that I had gotten in. I want you to understand where I was at when that initial frustration bubbled up. And I will be very honest.
Speaker 1:
The first time that it happened, I brought it up the next day, as soon as the kids weren't around. I brought it up to my husband and like, look, because it had been a Sunday actually, and he bounced between all three things. We got home from church that Sunday and then he bounced between learning the piano, reading the Bible and learning Spanish, to learning the piano, to reading the Bible, to learning Spanish. It was like a Sunday of that, right, and I was so frustrated like we needed some balance in there. So the Monday, when the kids were around, I pull them aside and I'm like, look, this is not working. We need to create, I need you to create some kind of balance with this. I need you to be more mindful on Sundays of some family time and, you know, being present with the kids and things like that right, obvious things that need to be brought up. It was no argument. It was, yes, you're right, I do need to create some balance there. And so then things have proceeded.
Speaker 1:
That was probably the first Sunday in January that that happened, and let's fast forward to now. Here we are at the beginning of February, right, and now it has been every day when he gets home from work, he plays the piano, and I, in my mind in the kitchen, was just getting so frustrated while I was making dinner. I was getting in such a bad mood, I was so angry, but I didn't bring it up and I want to tell you why. I felt like I needed to really evaluate what's actually making me angry about this, because a part of me is pretty proud of you for being this committed to something you guys know. Like I said, I'm all about improving yourself and doing things that bring you joy and creating better habits, and I'm excited for him that that brings him joy and that he has time in his day, he has made time in his day to learn that and to do that and to learn his Spanish, and so I'm proud of you, but yet I'm also, like, really angry. You know, and there's two sides to this coin and we'll touch on both.
Speaker 1:
But, like I said, church and counseling has really made me stop and think more before I speak and lash out and talk in and out of anger, and so what I brought up in counseling was I'm battling whether it is a him problem, right, and everything that I just described makes it seem like it could be. You can maybe see how I was seeing it as a him problem at first, but because I took the time to really evaluate why, why am I really so angry about 30 minutes of the piano I realized that it was more of a me problem and I'm going to tell you why. Because for over two years now so this would be the third year right here I have said I was going to learn the guitar and I've even made posts on social media about it. It's like one of the things, one of the only things I've ever posted and said I was going to do and I didn't do. Normally, when I say something out loud and I tell other people I get it done, this one I didn't. So I have been saying I'm gonna learn the piano and then I never stayed consistent with the practice.
Speaker 1:
Why? Because when it got to the end of my work day, I went immediately into giving to everyone else mode, being mom, being wife, and it was pressure that I put on myself. I didn't say, like my husband is when he comes home, I didn't say, okay, I'm home from work, I'm gonna go upstairs and practice my guitar for 30 minutes Like y'all are gonna live, they're gonna be fine, right? They don't need a gourmet meal for dinner either. By the way which is something else I'm learning I didn't prioritize my joys and things that I wanted to learn to do for fun, things that weren't making me any money, weren't adding to the family financially, but things that I just wanted to do.
Speaker 1:
I didn't prioritize myself, I didn't advocate for myself, and so the frustration that I was feeling was actually because I was frustrated that in seeing him prioritize it and knowing that I didn't and you know what, that's not his fault Because, honestly, he can do the dishes when I get done making dinner, and he does. You know, I was actually more angry that he was just coming home and getting to play the piano. Oh, must be nice. Really, I see that I'm angry at myself that I don't do that for myself, and I hope that that makes sense. I hope that you guys are following me there through that thought process and why I'm so grateful that I didn't just lash out in anger at first, because it allowed me to uncover something that I can actually work on and, yes, I can speak up and say and this is what I did in counseling, you know, yes, I do need you to start helping with dishes, and he brought up maybe I can get back to you, know, helping with dinner as well. Like I can assign him to make dinner once a week, right? Like this kind of conversation is so much healthier to have than just if I would have lashed out in the beginning and said you don't have time to do that, you can't play the piano. Like that would have caused so much resentment in the relationship, right? If I had approached it that way and just kind of shamed him, made him out to be this horrible person because he plays the piano for 30 minutes a day, that would have led to so much resentment.
Speaker 1:
And the resentment that I'm sitting in is the resentment that I caused, right, because I didn't stand up for my own thing that I wanted to do, and that's something that I now know that I can work on. So by stepping back, I allowed myself the space to be able to come to that realization. And church and counseling really have me pointing the finger at myself and taking ownership of my life, and it takes time, which is not easy for me because I'm like I want to fix this now, but it's taking time to really replace some of the old habits, old ways I have had of dealing with things, replacing those things that were not serving me with better ways. And so, yes, we uncovered that my husband could adjust his new commitments to ensure that it's not eating too much into family time and help around the house in the evenings. But I've also recognized that some of that anger that I was placing on him was just frustration with myself.
Speaker 1:
Why do I constantly put others before myself, my dreams, my desires? That's not their fault and that's the real underlying issue that I need to work on, as it's been a pattern in my life because I'm so intensely self-reflecting and uncovering things like that, and now I can own that and improve that, and I realized that there is a difference between kindness and people pleasing, and I have not been differentiating the two at all, and that was such a light bulb moment for me, and maybe it is for some of you. I don't advocate for myself, so can I tell you something too, because I also read Origins of you last year and I know I've shared about that on this podcast before as well and it's an amazing book and it's not about bashing your parents or like your upbringing, or saying that you had some awful childhood. It's just really uncovering that the way you think, do and approach things is deeply correlated to experience that you had as a child, and then you can decide if you know those thoughts that you have about things are really true or not.
Speaker 1:
So I was constantly labeled as hardheaded and stubborn, and I think that maybe I learned to equate that to something bad, like, like, don't do that, don't be that. You know, because I'm always looking to be and do better. It's just who I am. So if I'm labeled as something that I'm perceiving as a bad thing, I'm painfully aware that I need to not be that. I need to work on that. I hope that makes sense. I hope this just feels like us just hanging out and splitting a bottle of wine, french chatting, because that's what I'm intending for this episode is. I just kind of wanted to be thought-provoking and I wish this was like you guys talking back to me too.
Speaker 1:
But so look, so I got into romantic relationships and I thought I needed to fix that part of me that was labeled as stubborn and hardheaded or else they won't love me. And then that cued the start of me losing my voice and what I thought made me kind, made me a people pleaser, and I feel like such a pushover sometimes and I've spent so much time in my life pointing the finger at everyone else for pushing me over. But it's me, I've allowed it, I haven't spoken up for myself and I'm not just bashing my spouse here, you guys. It's just that my history shows that I've mostly done this in romantic relationships. In other relationships, when I'm starting to feel pushed over, I just exit. But it's a little bit different for me. In romantic relationships I kind of start to crumble and go in.
Speaker 1:
So I realized that this problem that I was feeling with his piano lessons, it's not a Nuss problem, it was a me problem, and I want to point out that just because this is a me problem, it doesn't mean that it's not going to take a collaborative effort to fix it right, because you have to start communicating better and they have to be willing to receive your new way of communicating. They have to understand why that dynamic will be changing and they should want to see you happy in the relationship too. If they love you, then they will and they'll help you work on this. So what I want you to take from this is the ability to reflect on problems as they come up in your relationships, to take a moment before you point the finger and evaluate is this primarily a me problem, an Nuss problem or a them problem? And me problems can be things that you haven't dealt with from your past or things that are primarily in your control. Right, like if you were honest with yourself, you could take direct action and implement changes now and us problems are more likely communication or coordination, breakdowns in the relationship. Like you're just not on the same page and this is something that you need to collectively work on together. And then problems are beyond your immediate control. Like you either accept and adapt and cope or you exit, and if this isn't something that they're willing to work on or that can be worked on, you leave the building or you cope. Right. These aren't lengthy definitions there, but I just kind of want you guys to have an idea of how to evaluate problems in your mind moving forward.
Speaker 1:
So the biggest awakening for me lately has been asking myself what is in my circle of control and I won't go into the hectic hecticness of this past week, but my gosh, did I say that? Ask myself this many times what is in my circle of control. That's what I want you to start asking yourself too, because it's so easy to get caught up in the cycle of pointing the finger at everyone and everything else, and social media kind of helps you do that, doesn't it? My life is stressful because of this, because this is going on. I have no money because of this happening in the economy. I'm moody all the time because of that situation and we stop looking for what's in our circle of control.
Speaker 1:
So, going back to my example, I can control how I'm using my time during the day and I can remove things that don't really matter the busy work I have a tendency to do that and save that busy work, that clearing out the email, clearing out pictures on my phone that stuff doesn't need to be done during the workday. I can save that for my weekends or spare time and I can make sure that I'm using my workday on only work that is directly tied to my dreams, things that are actually moving the needle. Since I create my own hours, I can do a better job at turning work off earlier in the day. Right, I can create time there. Start cutting my workday off 30 minutes earlier. Go upstairs, do something that brings me joy practice my guitar or continue working on creating that journal for you guys that I'm so excited about. Those things bring me joy. I can go to bed a little earlier and I can be able to get up a little earlier in the morning.
Speaker 1:
When I'm more productive, I can allow myself to just cook up some frozen food every now and then Gosh, I need to get better at that. And I can say, okay, I'm going to go do this for 30 minutes, just like my husband does. Right, I'm going to go take this 30 minutes for me and go do something fun. Mom's going to go do something fun for herself. 30 minutes, guys. Erin, that's my oldest you're going to do the dishes while I'm practicing or while I'm creating this journal and I can tell my husband that dinner's on him once a week. Right, I can delegate, I can ask for help, I can find my voice. I just haven't been so.
Speaker 1:
Maybe you're complaining about how stressful your job is, but you're not planning to do anything about it. Maybe you complain how groceries are leaving you broke, but you're still buying a bunch of junk food or making elaborate dinners or find yourself throwing away food that's gone bad a little too much, and maybe you're moody all the time because your spouse doesn't help you with the kids, but you also haven't asked him to or her to. These are just examples, guys, but I just want you to really evaluate yourself. Get honest, because if you're not advocating for yourself, no one else will. And before you point the finger at someone else, are you sure, are you sure this isn't a me problem?
Speaker 1:
This episode was meant to just spark conversation and get you thinking, and I hope that you'll reach out to me on social media so that we can kind of keep this going.
Speaker 1:
Started as a conversation and let me know if you had any revelations as you think about some standout problems that you're dealing with right now, because, gosh, maybe you were dealing with something as a me problem but realized it's a them problem. But for me, there's usually something that I can work on, and more often than not, it's normally that I just need to do better at advocating for myself. So let's reflect on the powerful concept of pointing the finger back at ourselves. In a world where external factors often seem beyond our control, the ability to turn inward and take ownership becomes our greatest strength, and I don't want you to feel broken by becoming aware of things that you need to work on, but I want you to be more empowered by that, empowered by the ability that you have to improve your own life and by the control that actually means you have over the problem. That's kind of exciting I have full control over this problem.
Speaker 1:
How much more empowering is that? Choosing to own our actions, decisions and reactions empowers us to shape our future. And it's not about shouldering blame right, that's not what this is about but it's about recognizing our role in the narrative of our lives, and I want you to see the act of pointing the finger back at yourself not as an admission of faults, but a declaration of your power. It's the acknowledgement that within us lies the capacity to influence and adapt and overcome challenges in our life. And this is a commitment to continuous improvement, a dedication to understanding our emotions and a promise to remain in growth. And I thank you, guys, for hanging out with me today. Don't forget to reach out to me on social with your thoughts on this episode. Share with a friend, share on your social media. It's the greatest gift when you take the time to share this, and I love when you tag me. When you do it too. Stay empowered, stay resilient and own the extraordinary potential within you. Until next episode, friends E.
