Relieving the Mental Load of Sports Parenting + Teaching Athletes Responsibility w/ Sam Kelly

Can we really get our kids to help lessen our mental load at home? You bet!

Welcome to today's episode featuring special guest Sam Kelly, a therapist turned feminist coach for mothers. She will help us how we can exactly focus on lightening our mental load by empowering our athlete daughters.

In this episode, Bre and Sam engages us into these principles:

• What is the concept of the "mental load" and the unseen labor that sports moms carry daily?
• How could we empower our kids to build a sense of responsibility at home without nagging them?
• What is the “big three” and its impact in promoting independence and accountability at home?

Come hang out with Sam on social @‌samkelly_world and learn more about working with her below!

Free Guide to teach your kids how to "Notice and Do" at home

Waitlist for Little Cycle-Breakers audio course

For Guest Interview Email: heyheysamkelly@gmail.com

Episode Highlights: 

 [1:58:00] Is the mental load of being a sports mom weighing you down? Would you like to reduce this mental load? In this episode, therapist-turned-feminist Sam Kelly shows us how moms could also lighten our mental load while empowering our kids to be proactive contributors in the home. 

[03:39:00] What is the invisible labor that sports moms carry; and why is this happening? Listen in as Sam helps us understand what invisible labor is and how we can help empower our kids without nagging them to do the things that we know they're capable of doing.

[9:22:25] There’s a two-part approach to teaching our kids to be proactive contributors at home. In this episode, Sam teaches us her process of noticing what’s to be done and getting them to do it instead of just defaulting to “Mom’s got it!”

[10:07:07] The burning question that moms like us would ask is this: Can our kids really do this? Tune in to this episode as Sam discusses the principles of why our kids can be taught, why this skill is learnable for all kids, and what you can do to get them to practice these.

[12:04:95] Talking to our athlete daughters about the WHY of giving them the opportunity to age-appropriately contribute in the chores at home could be very powerful. This podcast introduces us to how we could get into that level of deeper conversation on discovering the WHY.

[16:26:00] Are there any simple and easy steps that our athlete kids can get started with when it comes to building up their sense of contributing to the tasks at home? In this episode, Sam breaks down these steps so that we could actually set our kids up for success.

[18:05:51] Did you know that giving your kids an opportunity to fail is also helping them to be responsible? But how do we do that without resorting to taking on the task ourselves? That’s what Sam talks about in this episode so make sure that you tune in.

[24:16:50] How do moms handle the possibility of nagging their kids? Tune in as Sam makes a clear distinction between nagging and neutralizing our reminders to help empower our athlete daughters. 

Next Steps:

• Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms - How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter's Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
• Visit our podcast website for more great episodes

Thank you in advance for joining us on our mission and leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm so excited that you're here Now. Whether you are a sports mom or sports dad, with a lot of seasons under your belt, maybe you're seasoned, you are the team parent or maybe you're just getting going on this whole sports parent journey. Wherever you are in the process, this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident, mentally strong girl athlete. Now I cannot wait for you to listen to today's episode. But before I get into who our guest is and what we're talking about, I want to give a shout out to an athlete in our community. So this athlete's name is Avery. She is currently going through the Elite Mental Game, which is our flagship mental training program for girl athletes and also their parents. Half is for the athlete to develop her mental game and the other half is for you, mom and dad, to help you know how to best support her through her sports journey. So Avery said this the other day. She said today had a volleyball tournament and I was able to use my snapback routine in a game After I shanked a pass. I was able to reset and get my mind back in the game At the start of the season. I would have thought about that one pass for the rest of the game, but not this time. Congratulations, avery, and nice job implementing that tool into your game. That is really what makes all the difference, because athletes are going to make mistakes. You see your daughter making a mistake. It happens. This is literally part of sports. But how your athlete responds makes all the difference, and that's what we teach athletes inside EMG is that the mistake doesn't matter, it's your response, and one of the responses that we give athletes as a tool is their snapback routine. So this is a failure recovery system that is custom to them that they do in the moment that they either make a mistake or just get out of flow. State as an athlete that can get them back in the present moment and not worrying about that mistake to let it impact the rest of the game. So congrats, avery, keep going. I see you All right.

Speaker 1: 1:50

Today's episode is with special guest Sam Kelly. Now, sam Kelly is a therapist turned feminist coach for mothers, who shows women how to lighten their mental load and empower their kid to be proactive contributors in the home. Now full disclosure. I recently took Sam Calvey's course Little Cycle Breakers because I wanted to teach my own kids in my household how to take responsibility for the household tasks and just this load that we carry as moms to make sure all of the things get done. And I really wanted to teach them and empower them to do some of these things for themselves, because they're fully capable. And it really has changed the game in how we function in our house and how my kids actually are noticing things around the house that need to be done and doing them, like I know, mind blown, and as I was going through the course, I could not help but think about our own community of sports.

Speaker 1: 2:43

Moms, not only are you also managing so much of the house, like the logistics, the day-to-day, the dishes, the schedules, the groceries, like all of the normal things that we do, but pile on top of that the sports and multiple kids and kids that are playing in multiple different leagues and teams and all of the things. It gets so gnarly, and what I hear from moms all the time is that they're tired, they're burnt out, they're exhausted from doing all this, and stress that comes from sports really could be alleviated in ways that are not just like, okay, well, you need to take more breaks or exercise more or take a bubble bath. No, we can actually transfer some of this responsibility to our kids, and so that's why I brought Sam onto the podcast to teach us exactly how to do that, and her approach is a little unconventional, I will say, which is why I'm excited for you to listen to the episode to find out what it is. So we're talking all things mental load. What is mental load? What's the invisible labor that moms carry, and specifically sports moms? Why is this happening? How can we help empower our kids without nagging them to do the things that we know they're capable of doing? But sometimes it's just easier for us to, like, pack the bags and think about the snacks and make sure everything is good. So Sam dives into all of that and then we get really practical like, actually, how do we get our kids to clean their rooms? Also, that seems to be a thing that continues to come up, so let's dive into it.

Speaker 1: 3:59

I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I enjoyed chatting with Sam. Hi, sam, welcome to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. Thank you so happy to be here. Yeah, well, I am thrilled to have you on as I was chatting with you beforehand. I am a member of your program, my kids are little flakel breakers and they're doing all the things, and I can't wait for our audience to hear your method and your approach to, when it comes down to it, really relieving the mental load that us, as moms, feel. So it's already made a difference in a shift in our own household and I can't wait to kind of peel back the curtain and have people see what your approach is, because it is a little unconventional, I will say, but it works. So will you introduce yourself a little bit, tell us what you do and all that great info.

Speaker 2: 4:41

Yes, of course, I call myself a therapist turned feminist coach for mothers, and basically what I'm doing is I'm helping mothers, parents, primary caregivers, flip the traditional chore chart on its head.

Speaker 2: 4:56

So, instead of the what's called mental load or invisible labor, of being the sole person in a family full of capable humans who has the responsibility to know what needs to be done, to track what needs to be done, to follow up whether or not it actually got done, make a list for other people, delegate tasks it's just this never-ending cycle, right, and it's so exhausting and that's when we become burnt out, that's when we become resentful, and the chore chart isn't even an effective approach anyway. So, instead of doing that whole song and dance, what we're doing is we're empowering our kids to notice what needs to be done in the home and then to actively do it on their own, and it's a whole process, but it's actually very simple and we've had so many families see massive changes in a relatively short amount of time and continuing to build upon those changes. So we're sharing the mental load with the whole family, we're breaking the cycle of motherhood burnout and we're empowering our family to work as a team instead of a one mom show.

Speaker 1: 6:03

I love that. Oh yeah, the one mom show. I think that really relates to our audience, that's me, I'm the one mom show. Okay. Well, I've become familiar with the term mental load, invisible labor. Can you clarify what that is?

Speaker 2: 6:15

Yeah, absolutely so.

Speaker 2: 6:17

A really good example is let's talk about like for the moms listening here, the mental load of having your kids in sports is not the fact that you are like driving your kids to and from practice, it's the fact that you, like know where the practice is to begin with.

Speaker 2: 6:36

You know what time it starts, you know what needs to happen before, like all the way before they leave to school. You know what needs to get packed in their bag, you know what needs to be totally ready go, because if it's not ready to go by the time they get home, it's going to be chaos because you don't, you're not gonna have enough time.

Speaker 2: 6:52

You have an understanding and awareness around whether or not their practice is going to go into a mealtime and do they need a snack, and what kind of snack that do they want to have? Or dinner, what kind of dinner is actually doable to prepare and so they can take with them and it's not going to get cold and yucky or whatever. The mental load is all of the unseen work, because all of this stuff is actual work, but it's everything that's going on behind the scenes. It's like the engine under the hood that keeps the whole car moving forward. It makes the fact that your kids are able to be in sports even possible, because you are doing all this stuff behind the scenes in order to make that a reality for them.

Speaker 1: 7:35

Yeah, yeah. That's a perfect example of that. Relates a lot with our families, for sure, and I know that what I hear from moms in our community is that they're tired, they're exhausted, and it's a cycle that just continues. And let alone the sports and the activities all of that. Even if that wasn't there, there's still this invisible load, this mental load, invisible labor, and so they might not even be recognizing that. This is why, or is contributing to that, because then we're just told well, you, you just need to like, you need to exercise more, and then you'll have more.

Speaker 1: 8:09

You know you need to like meditate more and then you'll have more energy. I heard that gosh. I was listening to another podcast recently, I think it was the untamed, the glenn and doyle podcast we can do hard things.

Speaker 1: 8:21

Yeah, we can do hard things and the analogy they gave, I was like, oh wow, oh wow, this is so great. It's like the recycling. I don't know if you listened to this one, but she was like we have there's like big, huge, enormous corporations who could change a lot when it comes to helping our environment and our climate change and they can make massive change and it would be so impactful. But no, we've got to to make sure my glass goes in the right spot and I'm doing my part. That's like. There's this whole like overarching thing that could probably relieve some of this mental load.

Speaker 1: 8:49

But no, we're just kind of like we need to exercise more, we need to meditate a little bit better, and that will help you with the fatigue and all of the things that you're experiencing. So, totally on board with. Let's kind of like flip the chore chart, flip the system, so that we can relieve some of this. For moms, but I do want you, before we get into the specifics of sports moms, can you talk about what your approach is to this? How do you help moms relieve some of this mental load?

Speaker 2: 9:15

Yeah, so it's basically a two part approach. One, it's teaching our kids how to notice what needs to be done whether we're talking about chores or whether we're talking about, like, how to anticipate needs in regards to getting themselves ready for their afterschool activities, instead of just defaulting to mom's got it. Oftentimes, because we're the ones that have been doing this for our family and our kids forever, probably we don't think about it. It just is, this is just part of how we operate now and that's part of the invisibility part of it. Right, it's not seen and sometimes, like you were saying, it's not even seen to us because it's just our default mode, because I don't want to say it's easy for us. It just becomes like second nature for us to do these things. It's not for our kids and understanding that this is a teachable, learnable skill for all kids, but they do have to be intentionally taught and so teaching them in really intentional age, appropriate ways how to notice what needs to happen and then to proactively do it. And then the second piece is having these bigger, wide conversations with them. So when you were talking about often the solution quote unquote that we hear for motherhood burnout, is you just need to do more, or if you just did it better or if you did less, which is a whole thing in and of itself.

Speaker 2: 10:37

Like that can feel so invalidating sometimes and dismissive. Exercise is great. Meditation is great. Meditation is great. Having really awesome like time management systems amazing. But all of like self-care, love it.

Speaker 2: 10:52

All of this stuff, though, is just, most of the time, a flimsy band-aid solution at best, because what's underneath all of that is this deeper thing, which is the societal and cultural messaging that mothers get. That's so loud and so pervasive. It's just the air that we all breathe, and that's that we need to do it all. And if we're not doing it all, we just need to do more, like you were saying, and it's our job to manage everything for everyone, always. And if we don't address that underneath stuff with our kids, it's going to not only continue in our own family, because we won't have those conversations about what's actually happening here and is this a healthy way for our family to function, and it will also continue in our kids' lives, which, as we know, like I don't want this experience for my daughters and I don't want it for my son either, because that's not a healthy way to be in a partnership. It's those two pieces. It's the teaching them how to notice and do those really concrete specific skills and then having the deeper why conversation.

Speaker 1: 12:02

Yeah, Love it and the whole notice and do that term, that phrase, is really a game changer when it comes to. I mean, that's what's been a game changer for my kids and in our household and I hope you never get tired of hearing that. But it's so simple and so concrete. Let's bring it home to our parents and let's talk about, like, their situation. You mentioned one of them and that is like getting them to practice, getting multiple kids to practices, and thinking through like what do they need for practice? What do they need to have prepared?

Speaker 1: 12:31

My daughter has soccer practice tonight and I'm like, okay, she needs we're her shin guards, we're you know, and I'm like I should have had her do all this- Packing the bag the night before, understanding that you have like only 30 minutes from the end of school to when your practice starts, so you likely need some sort of snack and then afterwards, what kind of fuel do we need then? Do we need dinner? Is it going over a dinner period? How would you recommend that parents, moms, start to have that conversation with their athletes around, like because right now the default is mom does everything, so how do we start to transfer some of that responsibility to the athlete?

Speaker 2: 13:02

Yeah, great question. So, in regards to your listenership, it sounds like most people were dealing with like teenage daughters, right, yeah, so we're kind of in the older kid age, which is really great, because you get to really dive deep into some of these conversations. When I say dive deep, I don't mean like I have to be this 30 minute long lecture, like especially with teenagers say less. Like as soon as you start like rambling on, then that's when their eyes are going to glaze over, but what's really fun is that we can kind of like link arms with them and be like hey, I want to talk to you about something sports. So, just so you know, there's a lot of stuff that I do behind the scenes to make the sport happen, and I'm so happy to do that, and I love that you're able to do this. What happens, though, is I start to feel overwhelmed and overloaded, and because it's like a basketball team where one person is doing all the playmaking, making all the baskets, doing all the passing, doing all the dribbling, like carrying the whole team, and we have a family team, and so when one person is doing all of the stuff on the family team in regards to this sports situation, then that person starts to feel burnt out, and I don't want to feel that way. I want to talk to you about how we can share the behind the scenes work, and you can even say the behind the scenes work is called the mental labor or the invisible labor, the mental load. Here are some examples of the behind the scenes work, and I want to just talk to you and figure out what you feel like you can take control of and manage, and what I can, so we can start working together as a whole team instead of just one person.

Speaker 2: 14:49

And you could keep it really simple. To begin with, you could be like why don't? For example, let's talk about having a bag pack. These are the things that need to happen in order for your bag to get packed, and this is when it has to be packed by, because if it's not, then we're late or it's chaotic. It just needs to get done. So what is your plan? What do you think?

Speaker 2: 15:09

Talk to me about this. What is your plan of when you think that we can fit in into your schedule being in charge of getting that backpack? What is going to be most supportive to you? Then you're approaching it with them as like an adult, which is how teenagers want to be treated, and you're collaborating with them. What do you think? Tell me your ideas. Let's like you, and it's also like really showing them that, like you are capable. You don't need, you don't need mommy to hold your hand on these things. You are so capable you can do this. So because you are capable and you have the capacity to manage this, here you go, I'm going to let you manage it.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Okay, that's great, and I assume it's going to take a little bit of time If athletes are used to their moms packing their bags, making sure all the snacks are like oh, my mom packed me for my snack today. So is there like a gradual, slow roll into this? Where do you just say, okay, it's your job, now this week you're packing your own bag, and then you stop reminding them?

Speaker 2: 16:06

I would break it down into really basic steps Every single step of the way, like we talked about. Just because you go on autopilot and you're just like packed back, you just know what to do automatically. They may not necessarily, so we're going to set them up for success as much as possible, and that can look differently depending on how much support you feel like your kid needs. But I think where we can struggle is thinking they're a teenager, they're old enough, they should know. Yeah, let's just help them, let's set them up for success, like I said, and we're going to go through like if it was my kid and my kid was going to like soccer practice, I'd be like, okay, so in the bag, and you could even write down on a piece of paper so it becomes like visual for different learners.

Speaker 2: 16:48

What do we have in the bag? We have cleats, we have shin guards, we have socks, we have a snack. Is there anything else? And no, ok, then that's great. So these are the things right here on this paper that need to be in your bag before you go to school.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Let's figure out during your morning routine when is going to be the best time for you to pack your bag, so they know exactly what needs to be in the bag exactly when during the day, not even just sometime during your morning routine, like at what point in the morning routine is it going to happen? Just sometime during your morning routine? Like, at what point in the morning routine is it going to happen? And then, from that point on, we allow it to be a process, because lots of these things are not just like quick magic fixes. It's still a learning process, but it's absolutely something that they can learn how to do. So, whether that's you're giving them a little reminder or maybe you say like hey, what are you noticing needs to happen before you head off to school, and then we give them an opportunity to fail. So if it doesn't happen, we're going to let that bag stay unpacked all day long, with the understanding that's going to be chaotic, but we're going to let them experience what happens when they're not carrying that mental load Like it's on them. We had that discussion and we're going to continue to just allow them to practice because, just like in sports, the concept of like I don't know, like, hate it and do it anyway Sometimes, like you don't always love practicing, you don't always love doing the drills, whatever it is running the lap, but you do it with the understanding that there's a bigger goal in mind. We're going to be proactive in the family with the understanding that the bigger goal is full family teamwork and a cycle breaking effort so they aren't also repeating the same pattern as they grow up and go on to their own lives and in their own relationship.

Speaker 1: 18:39

Yeah, I think it's important to pause too on. We talk a lot in our program about our own triggers and like kind of what comes up in us when we see our kids failing. And so can you talk through? I'm not sure, I'm just assuming that it could. Sometimes it's just easier and it relieves some of the I don't know judgment. Maybe that comes from other people being like oh well, that kid's like they didn't come with their jersey, like what was their mom thinking you know like, and how that maybe looks bad on us as parents. Like you talk us through, like how that might be okay and maybe how we just need to kind of realize the bigger picture here.

Speaker 2: 19:22

Yes, and isn't that so interesting that a kid not having their Jersey mom's fault, mom's fault love that for us, and so, I think, recognizing okay, oh, there it is again. That's about these insane, wildly unrealistic expectations that our culture puts on us to do it all, not possible to do it all. It's not possible to do it all. So instead of buying into that and continuing to like, unknowingly and unintentionally, perpetuate it by being like oh you're right, it is my fault, don't worry, I got it, I got it, Don't worry. Meanwhile, we're drowning, we're exhausted, we're completely burnt out, and we're shoving down that brewing resentment. It's making an active decision and saying no, not doing that anymore.

Speaker 2: 20:07

What I am doing, though, is I'm empowering my kids to be proactive, to take initiative for themselves and their own lives, and these kind of skills are going to translate into their adult life. If a kid is able to anticipate a need and see a need and then, of their own initiative, make it happen, that's like leadership stuff. There's so many different ways that's going to help them out in their community, out of school, in a job, let alone in their relationships at home. So it's saying this is what I'm teaching my kids, in the exact same way that I'm giving my kids the opportunity to do sports and learn all of the amazing things that come from that. I'm giving my kids an opportunity to learn this and there's going to be huge positive consequences for them and ramifications in our life right now as a family and in their future, and that's what I'm choosing Like. It's like I'm choosing my kid and they're learning over this insane cultural messaging.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Yeah, I think that's such an important reminder. I could totally see myself getting caught up in that trap too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have this vision of my daughter when she is in high school, like looking at, maybe, a family calendar. I feel like we talk about that. Parents have two main roles shaping the environment and providing opportunities. And part of shaping the environment I love just having things like on a big calendar, and what would be great is if my daughter could look at the calendar and know what's going on and then she can be like oh, I have practice, I'm going to pack, I'm going to create a snack, and then like knowing even what snack would be appropriate.

Speaker 2: 21:47

Like yeah, I mean in our program too.

Speaker 1: 21:49

For athletes we have recommendations and we have sports dietitians that talk about what appropriate snacks are, but it's not realistic.

Speaker 2: 21:57

Oh, I mean, I think for sure. Like I said, it's a learning process, but I think it's just a matter of you deciding as the parent, what is my child capable of? What is the most generous, like ideal scenario here. And if part of the bag packing situation for you as the parent, if part of that revolves around to looking at the calendar, figuring out the snack, like all of those pieces are all part of it. So when we talk about teaching our kid how to do that, we just bring that into the conversation.

Speaker 2: 22:31

It's like peeling back the curtain for our kid in our own brain, and not from a place of like martyrdom or like resentment or like you have no idea how much I do for you, like we're not doing that. We're just saying, hey, just FYI, this is part of the process. So when I'm going to pack your bag, these are the things that I'm thinking of. So again, you're just taking them by the hand and you're just patiently teaching them because they don't know what they don't know. If they don't know that part of what you do in order to pack that bag is to anticipate stuff on the calendar and to see when they have practice, they're not going to know that, but if you take time to explain that to them, now we have something to work with and now they can be like we talked about set up for success in knowing what actually goes into it and being able to meet those expectations.

Speaker 1: 23:21

Yeah, I love that, it totally is possible, I mean. But come on, you know, yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:27

People they manage so much like for school, like they keep track of when tests are. They keep track of all their different classes.

Speaker 1: 23:34

Yeah, absolutely Okay. I have a couple other like big topics that I want to hit on before I let you go, and one of them is nagging. I get a lot of questions from parents. This is related to sports, but probably other things around the house too. Parents are like she should be doing things outside of practice, like doing her extra training or her ball control or the things that her coach has assigned her, but she's not doing it and I feel like I just have to nag her, or even athletes in our program. Sometimes moms are like, yeah, sometimes you know, I'm feeling like I have to like push her along. Do you have any recommendations around, like when we continue to nag or do we just let it go? I know that's kind of broad, but that's a great question.

Speaker 2: 24:18

First, I just need to say I have a personal thing against the word nagging because there's a negative connotation to it and it's only used in regards to women. Like men don't nag, and so again, it's like this whole thing of like not only are you required to do everything, but when you try to elicit any kind of support, you're the problem because you're nagging. So instead of nagging we can do, we, we're reminding. But what's also interesting right is like the reminders, like it can feel so frustrating when we feel like we have to remind again and again and again and then we're going into territory of like oh, f it, I'll just do it all myself because it's easier. Quote, unquote in the short term do it all myself because it's easier, quote, unquote in the short term.

Speaker 2: 25:00

What's really important is to neutralize the reminder. So, as we are teaching our kids how to be proactive and to notice and do like we talked about, it's going to be a process, right, and that's okay, no-transcript. So reminding kids to do household tasks or to do stuff for their sports, there's a different level of like, it's emotionally charged for us, whereas, for example, if you're teaching our kids how to just tie their shoes, okay, that's like under the hood, peel back the screen. The reason why reminding our kids to do these other things versus tying their shoes is could you feel so upsetting to us is because it's actually not about the fact that we're having to remind them to do these household tasks. It's about the fact that underneath, we feel unappreciated, we feel unseen, we feel taken advantage of, forgotten, like all these things, and the reminder that we have to give is like poking at that sensitive part and that hurts. And it makes sense that it hurts when you feel unseen and you feel underappreciated, like of course, that's not going to feel good.

Speaker 2: 26:15

So just taking a minute to recognize, okay, this like feeling is not about the reminder. It's what the reminder is triggering inside of me and it makes sense I'm not a bad mom that I feel this way. This is like a normal, appropriate response to this burnout that I'm feeling. So, within that we can then remember that, okay, this is mine to hold. This is not my kid's responsibility to emotionally hold for me or manage or deal with, because I'm unintentionally dumping that onto them. Bring it back again and again to the fact that this is just the same as them learning how to tie their shoes. They're just learning how to tie their shoes. They're just learning how to tie their shoes. And if I, whenever I filter that like a struggle for a kid to be proactive in the home, if I just filter it through, what would I do? If I was just teaching them to tie their shoes, what would I do? And not only does it neutralize and it takes out that emotional, really aggravating charge to it, but it also helps me get curious.

Speaker 2: 27:22

It helps me go into problem solving, which then allows me to start collaborating with my kid instead of like so we just want to neutralize it and to help them learn a skill, in the exact same way that we would help them learn how to read, tie their shoes, make friends. This is just a skill and any feelings that we have about it and triggers is a normal response to these expectations that our culture places on us. But that's what we're doing. We're like taking the crappy situation we've been given and spinning it into gold for our kids.

Speaker 1: 27:53

Okay, I love that reframe. Okay, this is great. We've been kind of more focusing on the sports side of things and like the logistics of that. But just like, quite simply and realistically, how can we get our kids to make their beds and clean their rooms? Like, do we do the chore chart? Do we pay them? Like, what's the best practice here? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:17

So we're going to throw the torch out of the window. We're not going to pay them. Just coming back again to what we talked about, we're going to teach them how to notice what needs to be done and how to do it, and we're going to have those deeper why conversations. There's a whole system that I have which basically says that we're going to do three things every single day. I call them the big three. Some people have taken the course call in the dailies, which I really love, and those three things can be really simple, basic things that they are capable of doing every single day. So for my kids, for example, making their beds is one of those three things. Noticing whether or not the dishwasher needs to be unloaded is one of those three things.

Speaker 2: 28:54

Past that their daily responsibilities, then we are going to give them the opportunity to notice one thing in the home that needs to be done, and it can be anything that they want, and there's a whole system again for teaching them how to notice something. So, for example, something that, like one of my kids noticed the other day, was there's a lot of crap on the dining room table and they did a dining room reset. That's not something that I had to point out to them, notice for myself that it needed to be done, and then try to wrangle my kid. They do it when I mean it just doesn't work. They took it upon themselves to see that there was a need and they just did it. And that was their notice and do for the day. They make their bed in the morning, they notice when a dishwasher needs to be unloaded and then the third thing they do is checking to see if there's laundry, clean laundry needs to be folded. And that's not something that needs to be done every single day, because my kids don't generate that much laundry, but we really focus on the fact that the biggest almost more than actually doing it, the biggest piece of this is the noticing. So the work, the daily work that they're doing is going up and checking to see if there's laundry for them to fold and put away and if there's not, great. But they do that every single day because that's carrying the mental load.

Speaker 2: 30:10

I'm not the one that's keeping track of whether or not there's laundry needs to be done and then telling them they're doing that every single day on their own, so past that, it just starts building on itself. As you lift weight, you're growing those muscles more and more and it becomes easier and easier for them. But as far as their daily stuff, we really want to keep it simple, for their age specifically, so they can start to feel a sense of, oh, okay, this isn't that bad and, honestly, for my kids that's four things total right the three daily things and the one notice to do. My kids can bust out all four of them in 10 minutes Just because, yeah, this is so doable. I got this instead of like oh.

Speaker 2: 30:49

I want to do it only if you pay me and beg me and bribe me, you know. So that's the system that we use, and it's kind of freaky how well it works.

Speaker 1: 31:02

Yeah, I mean yes, that sounds good and I have seen it with and, although my kids are a little bit younger than the moms of athletes who are listening, I know you mentioned a little bit about approaching this with our athletes. You know, as, in terms of like, who got to see, like, what needs to be done, in terms of like your sport today, if they have it, if it's been a struggle because I do hear this, like you know, the room's always a mess and it's just constantly me having to like, tell them to clean their room, tell them to clean their room. We're going to make a shift.

Speaker 1: 31:29

We have that conversation that you mentioned before, that the load is becoming a lot and I feel like I'm the only one doing it, that type of thing. Yeah, just experience with the teens and tweens and how to shift to that.

Speaker 2: 31:41

Room cleaning in particular. This is my approach with room cleaning, especially with older kids and teenagers is I have the expectation and this could be different in anyone else's family. You get to decide what you want the expectation to be, but for me, I want my kids to grow up learning how to make a bed in the morning and how. Once you do that, if that's the tone for the day, it's really easy, and it's just one simple thing that they can do in their room. That's intentional every single day. Past that, I kind of let the rest go for their personal space. I give them the freedom and the autonomy to make their own decisions for their room as far as how to clean they want it to be. What's interesting, though, is when you start teaching your kids noticing skills and the cleaning skills to accompany it. Like, for example, like even breaking it down so much as to say, oh okay. Like, in order to do the laundry, you need to gather up all the dirty clothes that have been thrown all over the floor during the week. We're going to put them in a pile. Then we're going to go through, one by one, the clothes to see if it's dirty. This is how you know. If it's dirty, you hold it up, you kind of look at it. If there's any visual dirty marks okay dirty, you can give it a sniff in the armpit area out of the smell. If it's dirty, throw it in this pile. If it's clean, we're going to put it over here to put away in a second and we're just going to go through one by one and do that process. So that's like the piece of like, giving them the actual skills they need in order to actually do the thing.

Speaker 2: 33:09

And a lot of times my kids practice those skills out in, like the common areas, like I talked about, like in the dining room, for example. Then what happens is because they have the noticing skills paired with the doing skills, they start to have pride of ownership in their room. And it happens not because I'm like can you please just clean your room, it's a disaster. It happens because they are choosing to on their own, because they're like oh, actually feels a lot better, like out, like when the dining room table is cleared off, and I can see how easy it is to do that for my own room.

Speaker 2: 33:44

So, like my most mess, tolerant, neurodivergent kid, her room before this was always like a bomb went off now her room, like often she's like. Just yesterday I was like, okay, tell me what you just didn't know to do. Oh, I gathered up all the dirty clothes in my room and sorted them, put the ones clean ones away for the dirty ones in the laundry. Amazing, you know. Like just a hundred percent on her own did that. But that's what happens when we can teach both these skills and they have the deeper understanding and awareness of why we're doing all this to begin with.

Speaker 1: 34:18

Yeah, oh, that's great. Truly, are creating cycle breakers. Oh, sam, this has been great and so practical. Can you tell our listeners where they can find more about you and more about working with you?

Speaker 2: 34:32

Yes, absolutely so. I'm on Instagram at Sam Kelly underscore world. If you hop on my Instagram, if you go to the link in my bio, there's a free guide that you can get and it will get you started on how to teach your kids to notice. That's the number one question. I hear is okay, but how do I start? Tell me how my kids can actually start noticing. Grab my free guide. It'll get you going and yeah, awesome.

Speaker 1: 34:55

Well, thank you again, and Sam, I'm continuing to consume the course my kids are noticing and doing so. Thank you, and Sam, I'm continuing to consume the course my kids are noticing and doing so, thank you. Thank you from mom to mom as well.

Speaker 2: 35:06

Yeah, you're so welcome. Thanks for having me.